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Internet Oracularities #1035

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1035, 1035-01, 1035-02, 1035-03, 1035-04, 1035-05, 1035-06, 1035-07, 1035-08, 1035-09, 1035-10


Internet Oracularities #1035    (77 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 23 Jul 1998 00:10:34 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1035
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1035  77 votes 8nqh3 4ioo7 dioe8 gls93 5kvh4 7gvi5 fqnc1 9qy71 8hpp2 9lli8
1035  2.8 mean  2.8   3.2   2.8   2.5   2.9   3.0   2.5   2.5   2.9   2.9


1035-01    (8nqh3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>             This is a test of the Emergency Internet Service.
>
>         Had this been an actual World-wide Emergency you would have
>         received an email outlining your duties during the crisis.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a test of the Emergency Oracle Response Service.
}
} Had this been a real manifestation, you would have received a witty
} response outlining your place in the universe.


1035-02    (4ioo7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise, who has a farm, e-i-e-i-o;
>
> Have any baby goats ever been childnapped?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, they're always looked after well by their nannies.
}
} Of course, many other young animals tend to run into problems :
}
} Young horses are often the victims of foal play, and sometimes are
} even killed in colt blood. Those unlucky enough to live in France
} often get turned into filly steak. Many baby pigeons spend far too
} much time squabbling, whilst young eels are always being scolded
} for not respecting their elvers. Young deer learn all too soon the
} dangers of excessive fawn-ication, and poor baby seals are all too
} often cubbed to death. Young Turkeys sometimes fall victim to vicious
} poult-ergeists, and other fowl often chick out long before their time
} is due. Whilst young cattle are busily calfing their way through life,
} baby sheep in Bosnia are often caught unawares by rogue lamb-mines.
} Meanwhile, young rabbits continue to thrive and survive.  As they
} often remark to each other, 'It's a bunny old life'.


1035-03    (dioe8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       O Erudite and Polyglottical Oracle:
>
> Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
>       possit materiari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <zotum>


1035-04    (gls93 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> begin 640 grovel.txt
> M3T@@1U)%050@3U)!0TQ%+"!72%D@25,@5$A%($5.0T]$140@3U544%54($]&
> =(%1(25,@3$%21T52(%1(04X@5$A%($E.4%54/PI.
>
> end

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} begin 666 zot.txt
} ir--@@@@@@@@--@@@@@@@@--@@@@@@@-dhaN
} fe-------@@!--@@!--@@@----@@!---Eono
} yA------!@!---!@!--@!@----!@!---aSSe
} OD-----@!!----@!@--!@!----@!!---TEWF
} Ut----!!!-----!@!--!!!----!!!---HtEf
} Ch---!!!------!!!--!!!----!!!---tHRo
} ai--!!!-------!!!--!!!----!!!---oAWR
} NS-!!!!!!!!---!!!!!!!!----!!!---ttit
} end


1035-05    (5kvh4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle you are an authority on all topics whose influences are part
> of every humans each waking moment;
>
> Are there any mammals on Earth that we humans have yet to discover?  If
> so where are they? I'd like to study them for my doctorate. I'll name
> the creature after you if you would like. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I find it interesting that you limit your question to mammals,
} supplicant. I understand why.  Anyone who has gone through that
} situation with a pregnant mare, a dolphin and a field mouse would have
} a special feeling for warm-bodied animals that give milk to their
} young.
}
} But that's another question.
}
} Where were we...Oh yes...undiscovered mammals.  Yes, there are many
} mammals that modern biology has not yet classified into kingdom, phylum
} and class. There could be volumes written about what homo-sapiens
} don't know about their own planet.  I still get a kick out of reading
} about your beliefs that Atlantis sunk into the sea.  <chuckle>  Wait
} until you find the "Lost Atlantis Scrolls".  Boy, will your faces be
} red.
}
} But, I digress.  OK, supplicant since I'm in a magnanimous mood
} tonight, I'll give you a teaser.  Here are three mammals that you (the
} whole bloody race, not just *you*, worm) haven't stumbled upon.
}
} 1.  A subspecies of the African Pachyderm that wanders around telling
}     the other elephants what to do, even though they really have no
}     idea themselves.  This elephant is distinguishable by it's lack of
}     a trunk.  Instead it keeps it's important papers in a briefcase.
}
} 2.  A tree dwelling marsupial that lives in Western Australia.  It looks
}     so much like another "tree dwelling marsupial" in the area, that you
}     (obviously) have overlooked it so far.  The only remarkable trait
}     of this animal is that, when eaten, it *doesn't* taste like chicken.
}
} 3.  A very, very small mammal that lives along the edge of the Chao
}     Phraya River.  It is (astonishingly) milligram for milligram,
}     the fiercest creature on the planet.  For lunch it eats bright red
}     Siamese Fighting Fish.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "Crash go the Chariots".


1035-06    (7gvi5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ohmigod!  They killed Zadoc!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cut!
}
} Ok, That should be enough footage to convince the IRS that Zadoc's
} dead. Only 200,000 priests to go, and there'll be no more of that
} Employee Tax to pay.
}
} You owe the Internet Oracle a better way to revive decapitated priests.


1035-07    (fqnc1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most footish Oracle, who can head in a across the field while
> playing goalie, and who never has a red or yellow card, please answer
> the poor supplicant who couldn't defend a corner versus the Paraplegic
> Society.
>
> Why France?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pourquoi La France? Pourquoi pas? Vous personne idiote vous nous pensez
} les que frangais ne peuvent pas jouer au football? Aucune merveille que
} vous envoyez ainsi beaucoup de questions ` l'oracle, vous jtes trop
} idiot de comprendre n'importe quoi!
}
} Vous devez ` l'oracle un traducteur frangais-anglais.


1035-08    (9qy71 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Epicurean of the Deities is the Oracle, and he is a master
> chef too. . .
>
> Mark Twain said, "When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the
> angels eat."  Is that true? What do devils eat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A particularly insightful comment by the second-greatest North American
} writer -- Sequoyah being the first, what with coming up with an entire
} written language and all -- particularly considering that Twain passed
} away well before the development of the seedless variety.
}
} As to what the devils eat, they have little choice in the matter. Hell
} hath only McDonalds and fine French restaurants.
}
} You owe the Oracle an order of McSweetbreads for the dog.


1035-09    (8hpp2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the Oracle who is unfailingly  cheerful, optimistic, and
> possessed by courageous spirits:
>
> I read that there are really people out there that wear edible
> panties!! Wouldn't that attract ants?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not any of *my* aunts.
}
} On a related note, as a child I remember getting a pair of Oedipal
} underwear as a Christmas gift. I thought they were a little
} uncomfortable, but my Mom said "you look really, *really* good in
} those..."
}
} Hmph. Well. All of a sudden, I feel kind of creepy.
}
} You owe the Oracle...um...well, just forget I said anything and we'll
} call it even.


1035-10    (9lli8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hey oracle, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey oracle
>
> where have all the flowers gone?
>
> --
> To email me, delete the appropriate crap in my email address (and if it
> isn't obvious to you, you probably shouldn't be using a computer anyway)
>
> Too much friggin spam...
>
> --
> Legal Warning: Anyone sending me unsolicited/commercial/junk/spam
> e-mail
>
> WILL be charged a US $500 proof reading fee.  DO NOT send unsolicited
> advertisements and do NOT add my e-mail address to your list(s):
>
> "By US Code Title 47 Sec.227(a)(2)(B) a computer/modem/printer meets
> the definition of a telephone fax machine.  By Sec.227(b)(1)(C), it is
> unlawful to send any unsolicited advertisements to such equipment.  By
> Sec.227(b)(3)(C), a violation of the aforementioned Section is
> punishable by action to recover actual monetary loss, or $500,
> whichever is greater, for each violation."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd be happy to answer you...
}
} First a Legal Warning: Anyone sending the Oracle w..dch..k/crossover
} questions WILL be charged a US $500 zot recharging fee.  DO NOT send
} w..dch..k questions and do NOT add Og to any in-joke(s):
}
} "By ORRIE Code TITle 42 Sec.666(l)(S)(D) a queue meets the definition
} of a queue.  By Sec.666(b)(S)(D), it is unlawful to send any
} w..dch..k/crossover questions to such queues.  By Sex.69(Y)(E)(s), a
} violation of the aforementioned Section is punishable by action to zot
} the snot outta ya, or $500, whichever the Oracle feels like or both
} even, maybe even nine to fourty times, who knows, for each violation."
}
} The flowers were eaten by the #$^*&#@ing w..dch..ks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 9mm .sig-Sauer.


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