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Internet Oracularities #1036

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1036, 1036-01, 1036-02, 1036-03, 1036-04, 1036-05, 1036-06, 1036-07, 1036-08, 1036-09, 1036-10


Internet Oracularities #1036    (75 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 25 Jul 1998 00:10:29 -0500 (EST)

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1036  75 votes 2ftp4 5dxh7 4rsc4 hhgh8 5qof5 5kwf3 bjte2 hima8 5cBe7 3dqje
1036  2.9 mean  3.2   3.1   2.8   2.8   2.9   2.9   2.7   2.7   3.1   3.4


1036-01    (2ftp4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The sanity of The Oracle has never been questioned, his wit is only
> surpassed by his savoir faire. The Oracle understands all.
>
> Which European nation would I be wisest to invest in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Mr. Gates, I'm not a registered financial Oracle, so I
} can't really officially advise you on this.  But as I'm
} omnipotent, I'd like to see them stop me...
}
} If you want to buy European nations, here are a few you might
} want to look at:
}
} OK - well, Russia (NASDAQ, USSR) looks cheap right now.  There
} were a couple of corporate governance issues raised by the
} auditors in the annual report a few years back, but they've
} downsized quite a lot recently, shedding a few unnecessary
} divisions (and some of the others seem to be aiming for a
} floatation, though Chechnya's never looked like it'll provide a
} long-term return to me) and cutting back on middle management.
} The only real problem is the credibility of the board, but some
} work is going on there.  I think we're talking a target price of
} $50 (up from $30 1/8 now) for the next year if all goes well.
}
} France (LSE, FROG.L), by contrast, is looking overpriced.  Unlike
} Russia, who've refocussed on their core competences of Vodka and
} nuclear missiles, the french are still trying to work as a
} conglomerate, with large snail, wine, nuclear bombs, crappy
} little car and IT divisions leading.  I think there's a lot of
} value locked up there, and they could return it to shareholders
} through divestment, but I don't think we're going to see much of
} that over the next few years unless through a hostile takeover
} from a local competitor (most of which have been fought off,
} historically).  As a long-term bet it might be OK, though.
}
} Sweden (NYSE, BRK) is a nice pure play if you want to keep things
} simple.  Very little exposure outside the cellphone,
} reindeer-meat, and vodka markets, an admirably low headcount for
} productivity, and a reputation for (market) neutrality.  Good
} yields but maybe a little too dull for you.
}
} The UK (NASDAQ ADRs, LIMEY) is looking as if it's reach a
} mid-term plateau, with quite a bit of downside risk.  The
} Asian-designed-cars and fried fish divisions are growing, and the
} warm beer group is profitable for the first time in ten years,
} but the cool products area is being strangled by
} overadvertising.  A good punt would be a short here (or perhaps
} on the Cam), but otherwise stick well away.


1036-02    (5dxh7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> AAAANNNNNDDDDD in the left corner, at 500lbs, thrice World Wrestling
> Federation champion we have, The Incredible Sinew Snapper [WILD
> CHEERS]. AAANNNNNDDDD in the right corner we have the previously
> unknown challenger weighing in at, well actually he floated over the
> scales, we have The Internet Oracle [FEWER, HALF-HEARTED CHEERS].
>
> BOIIINNGG!!!!
>
> AAANNNNDDDD the fight is OOONNNNN!
>
> [Then what happened?]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle seems hesitant to come out of his corner, ladies and
} gentlemen... yes, it seems he is cowering! (boooooo) Enraged, The
} Incredible Sinew Snapper (TISS) charges in... he picks up the Oracle,
} and bodyslams him against the canvas! Wait... what's this? The Oracle
} seems to have grabbed onto TISS's neck so he couldn't throw him down! I
} can't believe this, this is cheating of an unprecedented scale!
}
} Now he's bouncing the Oracle off the ropes, and is running back for a
} clothesline... Oh no, the Oracle is cheating again! He's actually using
} common sense and stopping at the ropes instead of running back to get
} clobbered!
}
} TISS grabs the Oracle again, and he now has him in a headlock! Yes,
} ladies and gentlemen, there's no way he'll get out of this one... wait,
} what's that in the Oracle's hand? It's the Wand of Zot!
}
} *flash of light, TISS crumples to the canvas*
}
} The Oracle is now arguing with the referee - I can't believe this, he
} seems to have hidden the wand somewhere... What's that behind the
} referee? It seems to be the Oracle's tag-team partners, the Rhodites!
} They have snuck into the ring, and are now jumping up and down on the
} prone TISS! I can't believe this, why doesn't the referee see it? He's
} still arguing with the Oracle, who's showing first one empty hand and
} then the other, as the Rhodites are now loading TISS into a portable
} circus cannon and lighting the fuse...
}
} *fooooom*
}
} I can't believe this, the referee seems to have not heard the
} explosion! He's still arguing with the Oracle, who's now showing the
} referee his bare butt to prove the wand isn't in the back of his pants.
} I don't believe this, ladies and gentlemen. The Rhodites have left and
} taken their cannon with them, but where's TISS?
}
} *whistle of a 500-pound incoming, and then a THUDDDDD!* as he crashes
} into the ring*
}
} The referee seems to have heard that last one, and now he's letting the
} Oracle come over to place one hand on the unconscious TISS's chest...
} One! Two! Three! Yes, you saw it here... the new wrestling champion of
} the WWF, The Ooooorrrrrrracle!
}
} You owe the Oracle a believable "professional wrestling" match.


1036-03    (4rsc4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cat here!
> Meow rowl yowl radioactive isotope meow box, buttered toast
> *YOWL!* meow mrow yowl. Prr dead yolw meow oew, alive?
>
> Prr, prr, prrr <rubs side of head against Oracle's ankle>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hoi Cat!
}
} Yes, I thoroughly agree with you! They're being completely insensitive!
} They don't seem to care if it's dead or alive, they react about the
} same.  Personally I think they should whip out a frying pan and sautee
} it right there on the spot but they don't seem to appreciate your
} hard work.  Since they don't seem to comprehend what you're offering
} them, I would suggest just eating the things yourself. They'll never
} understand you or your culture, which is clear proof that they're
} vastly inferior to you, and that's exactly how you should treat them!
}
} Carry on!


1036-04    (hhgh8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
>
> (who's toenails are so crescent-shaped and in whose glorious dew-ness
> of your sweat I now grovel)
>
> Why is it that I perspire?
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Because you're using hotmail silly supplicant.


1036-05    (5qof5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most spiffy,
>
> Please solve this issue:
>
> I've had 6 shots of whiskey.  It's 9:15 am, and I want to remain drunk
> for the next 11.75 hours.  I have about 500 millilitres of whiskey
> left, and weight about 200 pounds.  How often should I take a shot to
> stay absolutely sloshed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (High school classroom; night.  Several adults of varying ages, all
} but one of whom are drunk, are sitting in the chairs, many of whom are
} squinting from the bring fluorescent lights in the ceiling.)
}
} Oracle: *taps yardstick on chalkboard* Okay, people, settle down.  Can
} I have your attention please?  Thank you.  This is Night School course
} 07-102, Public Drunkenness.  I see most of you have done your homework
} for this evening... except for *you*, Mr. Phelpps.  Did you read the
} directions on the assignment?
}
} Mr. Phelpps: Yep Sure YouBetcha I sure did Yep I read the instructions
} right down to the last letter In fact I read them several times they
} were so interesting I mean these things were fabulous I couldn't put
} them down They kept me up all night It was a real page-turner I tell
} ya It was great It kept me amused I had a great time doing this
} homework assignment Mr Oracle Sir.
}
} Oracle: Let me see that.  (Takes paper off Mr. Phelpps desk.)  Oh, I
} see.  You must have gotten the assignment from 07-201, Intermediate
} Uppers: Pills, Smoking, and Injecting.  All right, you're excused for
} this evening's class.  But make sure you get the correct assignment
} for next week's class.
}
} Mr. Phipps: Thank you Sir You're very kind I really appreciate your
} kindness I'll be sure to get the right assignment this time You Betcha
} I'll be right on the ball this time For sure I won't mess up again --
}
} Oracle: Right, thank you.
}
} (Mr. Phipps leaves.  Oracle closes the door behind him.)
}
} Oracle: Did anybody else do the wrong assignment tonight?  It doesn't
} look like it.  Good.  Okay, let's move on to what we've learned since
} last week.  Who wants to go first?
}
} (Supplicant raises his hand, slowly and unsteadily.)
}
} Oracle: Oh good.  Yes, what did you learn this week?
}
} Supplicant: I mannnageeedd to make sssshheven sssshots of whisshhhkky
} keep me dddrunk for shhheventeen hoursssh.  Wassh it shheventeen?  No,
} wait, maybe it wassh shhixteeenn hoursssh...
}
} Oracle: Well, in any case, that's very impressive.  What brand of
} whiskey were you drinking?
}
} Supplicant: (quietly) Shheventeen?  Let'ssh shheee... nine-o'clock PM,
} minusssh shheventeen hoursshh... ishhh...
}
} Oracle: Never mind, we'll come back to you later.
}
} (The classroom door opens.  Lisa enters, carrying a stack of
} mimeographed papers.)
}
} Lisa: Here's the homework for next week, Orrie.
}
} (One of the students lets out a wolf whistle at Lisa.  Another howls
} like a wolf.  Oracle spins quickly to look at the class, just as the
} noises stop.)
}
} Oracle: All right, WHO DID THAT?!
}
} Student: Ddddid wwwwhat?
}
} Oracle: I DISTINCTLY heard a wolf whistle!  Now WHO DID IT!?
}
} Student: Washhhn't me.  It washh him.  (Points to supplicant.)
}
} Supplicant: shhheventeen hourshhh...
}
} Oracle: If there's one thing I *can't stand*, it's liars.  Oh yes, and
} w**dch**k jokes.
}
} Student: You mean, "How muchhh wood could --"
}
} *** ZOT ***
}
} Oracle: Yes, that joke.  (Blows smoke off the tip of Staff of Zot.)
} Thanks for running these off for me, Lisa.
}
} Lisa: No problem, Orrie.  (She leaves.)
}
} Oracle: Okay, here's your homework for next week.  Remember, you don't
} have to purchase your alcohol through the University, but it's cheaper
} than going elsewhere and I can't guarantee the quality otherwise.  Are
} there any more questions before we end tonight's class?
}
} Another student: Yeah, whhere'd ya get that cute chhhickk you doessh
} your copiessh for ya?  I bet sssshhe'd love to --
}
} *** ZOT ***
}
} Oracle: And let that be a lesson to all of you.  Just because you're
} drunk, doesn't mean that women will like you better.  Okay, that does
} it for this week.  Have a good weekend.


1036-06    (5kwf3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most hustiful Oracle, who can grimozzle more sluption before
> breakfast than any culofillious niftom could in a year....
>
> ....why in the name of Gignup doesn't anyone understand me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite easy, my callufrious friend.  Your syllabic vermithion is
} all wrong.  If you want plain, ordinary, unforthiputious persons to
} understand you, you must stive muntulently to give them some idea of
} what in Crimposium you are trying to zabott.
}
} Oh, and never mention again what we do before breakfast!  Do you want
} Lisa to find out?
}
} You owe the oracle a frumpous kalimion and a juxtous falth.


1036-07    (bjte2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most chic, whose shoes always match his tie and whose rich,
> lustrous locks are always neatly combed (in a rugged, masculine sort of
> way), help me resolve my dilemma -
>
> Should I wear the blue one, or the brown one?  My wife thinks brown,
> but I'd rather go with blue.  Help?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if your wife wants you to wear the brown one, then the brown one
} it is.  That's rule #2.  Haven't you learned it yet?
}
} But don't worry.  You can save the blue one for your secretary at work
} tomorrow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tube of petroleum jelly.


1036-08    (hima8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most venerable and august Oracle;
>
> Where is Cain now-a-days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, I'm not Abel to answer that one.


1036-09    (5cBe7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who never gets tried of answering stupid questions:
>
> I've been reading the oracularities, just like you told me I should,
> and am confused about one thing.  Just what is a "Rhod?"  And how many
> must I walk down before I can call myself a man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A Rhod, at first glance, may appear to resemble the more common "road",
} or the classical Rhodes, or even Dave Rhodes (of "MAKE.MONEY.FA$T!"
} fame) However, there are certain key differences between them, as
} follows:
}
}       Rhod           Road           Rhodes             D. Rhodes
}      ------         ------         --------           -----------
}    Goes nowhere,   Goes from one   Going nowhere,     Going nowhere,
}    quickly         place to        classically        for fraud
}                    another
}
}    Stars Bright    No fish here    They ate fish      Fishy smell to
}    Red Siamese                                        his email.
}    Fighting Fish
}
}    Features the    No Oracle       Consulted the      Should have
}    Oracle                          Delphic Oracle.    asked Oracle
}
}    Paved with      Paved with      Largely unpaved.   People'd like to
}    in-jokes        asphalt                            pave with him.
}
}    Found on        Look outside.   Go to Greece.      Found on AOL.
}    Usenet
}
} So, as even you can see, lowly Supplicant, Rhod is unique (for which
} all the powers that be should be most heartily praised).
}
} As far as the second part of your question... The only road you need to
} walk down to call yourself a man is the one leading to the nearest
} cosmetic surgeon.  Some expensive surgery and hormone treatments will
} fix you up in no time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a yellow-bricked rhod.


1036-10    (3dqje dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You who are so Amazingly Brilliant about all matters scientific,
>
> Since light has momentum, why aren't lasers used as zero-mass-loss
> rockets on spacecraft?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Scully, I think we're on to something here."
}
} "No, Mulder, it's just another supplicant who watched that
} documentary about Area 51 on the Discovery channel the other day."
}
} "But don't you see, Scully, this whole flying saucer thing is just
} another government coverup for ..."
}
} "For what?"
}
} "For flying saucers."
}
} "Are you telling me that the government has created an elaborate
} system of security and has planted rumors about flying saucers
} since Roswell, New Mexico in 1947 and the whole purpose is to
} cover up ... flying saucers?  You've really gone off the deep end
} this time, Mulder."
}
} "No, Scully, think about it.  Where is the best place to hide?  IN
} PLAIN SIGHT.  Everybody thinks the government is using the flying
} saucer business to cover up something else.  Nobody would ever
} imagine they were covering up flying saucers.  The Kennedy
} assassinations, the abduction from Heber, Arizona, the Bermuda
} Triangle, Watergate.  Why do you think Kenneth "Starr" is
} investigating Linda "Tripp".  It's a coded message!  Is it a
} coincidence that the first Wright Brother's flight was on December
} 14, 1903 and a comet exploded over Tunguska on June 30, 1908?.  Is
} it a coincidence that the first atomic bomb was detonated in White
} Sands, New Mexico on July 16, 1945 and a "weather balloon" crashed
} in Roswell on July 4, 1947?  Is it a coincidence that two early
} flyers, Amelia Earhart and Charles Lindberg *both* disappeared
} under suspicious circumstances?"
}
} "That was Lindberg's baby, Mulder."
}
} "Whatever.  Nobody is covering up anything.  All these things are
} real.  The government leaked all this information, then denied it,
} to make it seem as if they were creating a coverup for something
} else.  But it is a coverup ... a coverup for itself.  Look at this
} story in the National Enquirer about ..."
}
} As Mulder talks, Scully reaches into her purse and removes a pair
} of dark glasses and a silver fountain pen.  She dons the glasses
} and holds the pen vertically in front of her.  After a bright red
} flash, she returns the pen to her pocket.  After a moment, Mulder
} looks at the newspaper he is holding.  Finally, he speaks.
}
} "Hey, Scully, there's a NBA game tonight between the Seattle
} Supersonics and the Houston rockets.  Wanna go?
}
} You owe the Oracle a 1964 Mercury Comet.  Or a new Chevy Astro.


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