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Internet Oracularities #1037

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Internet Oracularities #1037    (80 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 27 Jul 1998 09:31:10 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1037
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1037  80 votes 2hvs2 dblih 8avo7 17qth 7inp7 iokc6 3dhsj 5dlpg 4hioh 25lrp
1037  3.3 mean  3.1   3.2   3.1   3.7   3.1   2.5   3.6   3.4   3.4   3.9


1037-01    (2hvs2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This morning I caught my son in his bedroom doing something I almost
> don't want to talk about.  He was, he was being an Incarnation, and
> ANSWERING Oracular questions!  Isn't there something I can do, short of
> removing his computer, to keep him from this vile habit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, ma'am, you need to be aware that an invasion of privacy
} is a crime in this country, and is punishable by large fines and
} lengthy jail terms.  Just because he lives in your house, pays no
} rent, has no job, doesn't even pick up his dirty underwear from the
} bathroom floor, he *is* 28 years old, and is by all accounts, an
} adult.
}
} Second, ma'am, even if he decides to press no charges, you ought to be
} more careful about barging in on him when he's in the room, alone,
} making no audible noises.  He might be doing unspeakable things,
} things no mother wants to see her kids doing, like (gasp) checking the
} classified ads for jobs or applying for scholarships.  You don't want
} to have that kind of thing haunting you forever, do you?
}
} Anyhow, you need to remind him that that sort of thing can cause
} unsightly hair growth on his typing fingers, blindness (from the glare
} of the screen), impotency (those rays being emitted from the computer
} do some damage) and other side effects.  A good way to dissuade him
} from this disgusting and immoral behavior might be to take him down to
} the local chapter of the Dungeons and Dragons lodge and show him what
} a computer geek he'll turn into if he continues his dirty habit.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of his witty answers (as long as he doesn't
} use Juno or Hotmail).


1037-02    (dblih dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do some people feel compelled to look at dried mucus they pick out
> of their nose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To determine the best way to prepare it before consumption.
}
} The water content of mucus extracted from the nasal passageways can be
} represented as a one dimensional axis, and the most appropriate
} culinary preparation located at points on the axis. Due to ASCII
} limitations with your Oracular interface, I will represent the
} dimension as a table:
}
} % H2O   DESCRIPTION           RECOMMENDED PREPARATION
}
} 000     Rock hard and dry     Lightly sauteed in white wine
}
} 020     Solid but malleable   Deep fried and served with rice
}
} 040     Solid but connected   Grilled. Ensure the connecting tendril of
}         to the nostril via    060 is boiled.
}         a piece of 060
}
} 050     A balance between     Not recommended to be consumed, due to
}         000 and 100. Often    contamination with the particulate. It
}         looks like 060-090    MUST be prepared only by qualified chefs.
}         with particulate      If incorrectly prepared, may be fatal.
}         matter.               Drink a glass of water. Do not induce
}                               vomiting. Seek medical advice.
}
} 060     Elastic nature        Boiling. A pinch of salt, and add brussels
}         with a more slimy     sprouts after five minutes. Cook until
}         feel to it            sprouts ready, drain and serve
}                               immediately.
}
} 080     Thick water.          Baked in the oven. Some nuclear reactors
}                               now use type 080 mucus in place of heavy
}                               water, with good results.
}
} 100     Liquid                Squeezed out of the hanky into glass for
}                               drinking
}
} You owe the Oracle a recipe for cerumen.


1037-03    (8avo7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, In The Sky, In My Eye, Up The Spout And Round About....
>
> How much can a condom be streched?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Farther than you will _ever_ need to know.


1037-04    (17qth dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, most wonderous being,
>
> whose radiant face I am unworthy of gazing upon,
> whose footsteps I will never be able to follow in,
> whose intellect dwarfs that of my puny mortal mind,
>
> ... I've forgotten what I was going to ask ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No problem. I'll send you the FAQ.
}
} QUESTIONS FREQUENTLY ASKED OF THE ORACLE
}
} Section 1. Conundrums
}
} Q. What happens if you drop a cat from a window with buttered toast on
}    its back?
} A. You get reported to the ASPCA, and probably arrested. As to what
}    happens to the cat, that depends on the height of the window.
}
} Q. What happened to Schrodeinger's cat?
} A. What's with this feline obsession? The cat died, and Schrodeinger
}    got reported to the GSPCA. (Do you recognize a pattern here yet?)
}
} Q. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
} A. Why do you have so many car accidents?
}
} Section 2. Relationships
}
} Q. How can I get <insert name> to go out with me?
} A. Ask her.
}
} Q. But she turned me down.
} A. Ask her again.
}
} Q. But she turned me down again.
} A. Keep asking her.
}
} Q. I got arrested for harassment!
} A. Phew! Finally.
}
} Section 3. Science
}
} Q. What are the speed and position of the quantum particle in my
}    experiment? I can't measure both, you know.
} A. Integrate the particle.
}
} Q. Could you please explain the GUT?
} A: Barf.
}
} Q. How can I build a time machine?
} A. Tell a person the time, and they know the time. Buy them a watch,
}    and they won't have any excuse for trying to start a conversation
}    with you anymore.
}
} Section 4. The Future
}
} Q. What will be the most important event in the next 100 years?
} A. Your death.
}
} Q. Will we ever inhabit other planets?
} A. Vice-versa.
}
} Section 5. The Forbidden Question
}
} Q. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
}    wood?
} A. A woodchuck that could chuck wood would chuck as much wood as
}    a woodchuck could.
}
} Section 6. Life, the Universe, and Everything
}
} Q. What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything?
} A. The song of a raven, the laughter of a monkey, the bawling of a
}    child, the love of Clinton, the music of a car alaram, the idiocy of
}    the average person... and one's self.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better answer to Section 6.


1037-05    (7inp7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello Orrie, my old friend,
> I've come to walk this way again,
> Because a vision softly creeping,
> Came to me while I was sleeping,
> And the vision that was planted in my brain
> Still remains,
> And echos the sounds of woodchucks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In restless dreams I saw the past
} When woodchuck questions were a blast
} Till some mischevious miscreant
} Under the guise of just a supplicant
} Sent a tremendous tellme tonguetwister taunt
} On the subject of woodchucks
}
} And in the growing queue I saw
} Ten thousand questions, maybe more.
} So We answered without thinking
} Hoping that the queue would start shrinking
} We were sending replies that no one ever read
} To stem the tide of woodchucks.
}
} Fools said I, you do not know,
} Woodchucks like a cancer grow
} Don't reply, because I will not laugh
} No, I will smite you with the ZOT staff
} But the questions, like many marmots fell
} And reeked of the smell of woodchucks.
}
} And the priesthood bowed and prayed
} To the Oracle they made
} And the Oracle gave a hated name
} To others who would attempt the same
} And the Oracle said the words of the warnings are written in the rhod
}   cascades
} And echo in the graves of woodchucks
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of _Silence of the Woodchucks_


1037-06    (iokc6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and. . .whoa..., got a rush there. What was I ...
> Oh, yeah, Oracle you are most wise and cool!
>
> If we legalize pot, what about the second hand fumes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey man...................who cares!


1037-07    (3dhsj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most advanced Oracle, you that were prefect from the get-go;
>
> Does evolution have a goal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For those of you who have just joined us we're 80 minutes into the
} game here at Lyons in the Religious Cup finals.  The score is still
} tied at Creation 0, Evolution 0.
}
} Creation has the ball; lineman Falwell is dribbling up the field.
} He's rushed by Evolution forward Richard Dawkins!  Falwell makes a
} high pass upfield; it's caught on the chest by Creation forward
} Randall Terry!  Terry moves around Evolution rear guard Edmund
} Spenser! He takes a shot!
}
} What a great leaping save by Evolution goaltender Charlie Darwin! He
} dove to the far end of the net to catch Terry's shot.  The Evolution
} line is heading downfield and Darwin waits for the opening.  A big
} throw!  Reaches Evolution forward Stephen Jay Gould halfway up the
} field.  Gould dribbles; dodges Creation's Falwell and passes to
} Dawkins!  Dawkins shoots!  The shot gets past Creation goaltender
} Billy Graham!  It's good!  Evolution has a goal!


1037-08    (5dlpg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most mathematical, perfectly precise and ideally exquisite,
> whose utterly divineliness is surpassed only by His faultless and
> immense knowledge of everything that ever was, is, or ever will be,
> whose matchless and impeccable aura of being sends me into a trance of
> awe, until there is nothing I would rather do but indenture myself
> into the service of the wondrous Oracle.
>
> Oracle, this, Your most lowly yet devout of supplicants has but one
> simple question and I kneel here before You pleading for You to bless
> me with but one minute piece of information, an answer which is as
> simple to You as I must seem in Your whirlwind of greatness...
>
> I have a mathematical problem, oh fantabulous Oracle, keeper of my
> soul, that has been troubling me for sometime.  As I am not as adept
> as You, at anything, I beg that You will bestow upon me an answer.
>
> Is (time taken) + (thought put into a question) + (grovel) directly
> proportional to (time taken) + (thought put into an answer)? I mean
> all this in the Oracular sense, of course, oh stupendifying Oracle.
>
> ~ most humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.


1037-09    (4hioh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> Do they really count the ballots in elections in California, or
> does the government there come about the results numbers some
> other way and just -pretend- to have counted the ballots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a midnight dreary, while we pondered, weak and weary,
} With many a ballot filled with checks and crosses more
} While we counted, never caring, each ballot with its voter pairing
} Suddenly there came a wailing, right up to the chamber door.
} "'Tis the governer," I muttered, "wailing at the chamber door-"
} Only this, and nothing more.
}
} Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in a bleak November
} The people sought to unencumber from his seat the governor.
} Desperatly he sought to bargain, tried to fool the folks with jargon
} But the people saw a gorgon, a gorgon they could not endure
} A dishonest politician whom the folks would not endure
} Once the gov'nor, nevermore.
}
} As he heard us sitting, counting, and the votes against him mounting
} "Here's one more," he heard me cry, "the governor'll be out the door"
} Now beginning to fear the worst, angrily he yelled and cursed
} Then into the room he burst.  All we could do was ignore.
} As he tore around the room, the governor we did ignore
} Soon the governor no more.
}
} Presently my heart grew stronger, hesitating then no longer
} "Sir," said I, "sir guv'nor your forgivness I implore,
} But the fact is we are counting and we...please sir, stop your pouting,
} Though the votes 'gainst you are mounting, still your staying does
} ensure That we'll be accused of bias, something we'll all deplore
} I beg you, use the door.
}
} Now out of our chamber turning, his anger still within him burning,
} We returned to ballot counting, trying to ignore his roar.
} But now it was getting late, and I had earlier planned a date,
} Yet the ballots coud not wait.  It seemed we'd count forever more.
} The votes were opposition seven, for the current gov'nor, four.
} And other ballots, thousands more.
}
} I made sure noone could hear, as in my mind a plan appear'd
} Rather than the rules adhere, we could plan a little more.
} Instead of every vote numb'ring, we could just be peacefully
} slumb'rinWe'll just guess what results are coming and noone else will
} know the score There's no way for anyone to find the genuine score
} Secret here, forever more
}
} In the air we flipped a penny, knowing this would vote for many.
} Knowing that it was a felony, and wondering who'd be governor.
} Slowly to the ground it fell, spinning, spinning, just as well.
} Truly even, fair, pell-mell.  The waiting we could not endure.
} Only wondering as it fell, would he stay the governor.
} Said the penny: nevermore.


1037-10    (25lrp dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I asked the post office to forward my email after I moved, but they
> said they wouldn't.  It's outrageous!  What makes them think they can
> get away with this ridiculous behavior?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not that they *wouldn't*, it's that they *couldn't*, and it's all
} your fault.  You forgot to bring Form 113837591757-xd, Request to
} Forward Electronic Messages over USENET.
}
} Fortunately, I happen to have a stack here (just in case those pesky
} FBI agents are able to reconstruct the evidence).  Here you go...
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                        Form 113837591757-xd
}         Request to Forward Electronic Messages over USENET
}
} 1)  Name (Last, First, MI): ____________________________________________
} 2)  Current E-Mail address: ____________________________________________
} 3)  New E-mail address (All styles required for proper processing)
}     3a) Internet form: _________________________________________________
}     3b) UUCP form: _____________________________________________________
}     3c) BITnet form: ___________________________________________________
}     3d) DECnet form: ___________________________________________________
}     3e) FIDOnet form: __________________________________________________
}
} 4)  Are you directly connected to the Internet? Y/N
}     4a) If "No," why the hell not? _____________________________________
}
} 5)  Do you plan to read the forwarded mail on a machine running a
}     Microsoft operating system? Y/N
}     5a) If "Yes," are you willing to admit that to others? Y/N
}         5a1) If "Yes," are you actually *proud* of that fact? Y/N
}             5a1a) If "Yes," do not complete this form.  Call
}                   1-800-555-7726 and report yourself immediately.
}                   Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and
}                   administer a severe beating.
}     5b) If "No," are you willing to jump on the bandwagon and come to
}         Washington, D.C. to testify in front of the Senate that Bill
}         Gates sucks the bone marrow out of sacrificed infants?  Y/N
}
} 6)  Do you plan to send messages that use HTML in the body, knowing
}     full well that not everybody on the planet is stupid enough to use
}     Netscape as a mail reader? Y/N
}
} 7)  Do you plan to send "Virtual Greeting Cards," even though they
}     make you appear to be the Cheapest Bastard on Earth?
}
} 8)  Do you:
}     8a) send SPAM mail?
}     8b) naively reply to SPAM with "REMOVE" as the subject?
}     8c) send a complaint to the Postmaster on the machine mentioned in
}         the "From" line?
}     8d) spend your entire lunch hour analyzing the 'Received' header
}         lines, carefully backtracking until you are able to nail the
}         asshole to the wall?
}
} 9)  Do you automatically destroy mail from:
}     9a) Hotmail?
}     9b) Juno?
}     9c) Bigfoot?
}     9d) AOL?
}     9e) Netcom?
}     9f) anyone who sends mail with the subject "Make Money Fast"?
}     9g) the Usenet Oracle?
}     9h) the Internet Oracle?
}     9i) anyone sending an Oracle question mentioning "Zadoc"?
}
}     (SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS IF ANY OF THE ABOVE DESCRIBE YOU: Do not
}     complete this form.  Call 1-800-555-7726 and report yourself
}     immediately.  Special agents will arrive at your home quickly and
}     administer a severe beating.)
}
} 10) Do you use the Internet to download pornography? Y/Y
}     10a) Please list the sites here: ___________________________________
}          _______________________________________________________________
}          _______________________________________________________________
}          _______________________________________________________________
}
} 11) Have you ever as a system administrator at a large California
}     university become so infuriated with people playing XTrek that you
}     routed all the packets between your cluster and the server through a
}     machine in Sweden? Y/N
}     11a) Would you do it again in a heartbeat? Y/N
}     11b) Do you want to work for us? Y/N
}
} 12) Do you eat and drink at the keyboard, knowing full well that a
}     slip will make the keyboard so gooey that if you ever hit the
}     'zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz' key it will stick until you lift the keyboard a
}     foot off the table and drop it? Y/N
}
} 13) Have you ever been sexually assaulted by the President of the
}     United States? Y/N
}
} 14) After spending this amount of time filling out this form, do you
}     suddenly have a longing for the "good ol' days" when sending mail
}     meant sitting down at a desk and putting pen to paper?  Do you
}     long for the taste of mucilage?  Do you wistfully sigh when you
}     open your mailbox and only find ads from the drug store? Y/N
}
} I HEREBY STATE UNDER PENALTY OF PERJURY THAT ALL THE INFORMATION ON
} THIS DOCUMENT IS CORRECT.
}                                       Signed ___________________________
}                                         Date ___________________________


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