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Internet Oracularities #1038

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1038, 1038-01, 1038-02, 1038-03, 1038-04, 1038-05, 1038-06, 1038-07, 1038-08, 1038-09, 1038-10


Internet Oracularities #1038    (86 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 29 Jul 1998 11:00:54 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1038
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1038  86 votes 4disn fqph3 6qrcf 4eqtd 2gEp3 clxe6 5cyr8 7wre6 4fjtj 8rqi7
1038  3.1 mean  3.6   2.6   3.0   3.4   3.1   2.8   3.2   2.8   3.5   2.9


1038-01    (4disn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Splendiferous Oracle, please answer this query which isn't really
> worthy of your time:
>
> Today, for breakfast, I ate a strip of bacon in the form of a Moebius
> band. What sort of pig did that come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Surely you are familiar with the well-known children's rhyme?
}
}     This Klein piggy went to market,
}     This Klein piggy stayed at home,
}     This Klein piggy had two topological surfaces,
}     This Klein piggy had one,
}     And this Klein piggy was constructed in non-Euclidian space
}         by identifying two ends of a cylindrical surface in the
}         direction opposite that necessary to obtain a torus.
}
} Now you'll have to excuse the Oracle. I need to go wee wee.


1038-02    (fqph3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   9:08 am, 25 July 1998.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AND YOU WERE THERE....
}
} alt.walter.cronkite here, looking back at 9:08 am, 25 July 1998.
}
} Let's join the supplicant, shall we?
}
} Supplicant: Man, oh man. I just gotta get digested, I just gotta.
}             Question, question. I NEED A DAMN QUESTION. Oh fdisk it!
}
} [ supplicant types in the date, emails it, flips off the terminal and
}   the turns his computer off. ]
}
} Supplicant: I ain't ever going to read another digest again in my whole
}              life! Never! Never I say!
}
} AND YOU WERE THERE!


1038-03    (6qrcf dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O omniscient Oracle, who like Athena sprung fully formed from his
> father's head..
>
> Please tell me who is better: Harlan Ellison, or Larry Ellison?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh misguided supplicant..
}
} Do you call that a grovel?
} That is nothing more than an obscure description, I'm afraid I'm not
} going to give you a straight answer.. but I won't leave you hanging
} completely.
}
} I know the perfect punishment..
} I'll tack a good grovel on to your wimpy.. whatever-that-was and send
} it to some other incarnations. Then YOU can tell ME which ANSWER is
} better.. alright?
} Oh yes, the irony is beautiful..
} Pay attention now.. it's not every day you get to see the Oracle
} grovel. Note the unholy extent of self-bashing! I like 'em that way.
}
} -------to: oracle@cs.indiana.edu--------
} ----------------------------------------
} > Dear Oracle of orientation most supreme and enlightened..
} >
} > To me you are nothing less than the most fabulous and astounding
} > being, the likes of which mine eyes have never beheld! You are so
} > super-dooper and spiffy, so raz-ma-taz, boombastic and scrumptious!
} > Your presence is a grand blessing upon this pitiful universe, and
} > your vastness of excellence enbiggens even the smallest of minds..
} > such as my own. I am but a stench-ridden vermin, a vile contemptible
} > farce of a creature whose mind cannot comprehend even the simplest
} > of your holy thoughts!  Your wit is sharper than a samurai blade.
} > The explosive humour contained within your dullest utterances are more
} > than sufficient to rupture every blood vessel in my tiny useless head,
} > in a violent fit of laughter so absurdly loud and ridiculous that
} > my sides would split and my pewtrid innards would flow forth from
} > the wounds, thus doing the world a great favour in ridding it once
} > and for all of my repuslive, inhuman form. I am utterly worthless
} > and devoid of value. I wish I could purge myself from the face of
} > the earth in a huge rightous ball of terrific fire, but alas, I am
} > completely gutless and chicken. I am filth.  I am scum. I smell of
} > flatulation and am butt-ugly like a troll. I wallow daily in my own
} > feces and beg others to deficate in my pit of fecal matter so that
} > my life might have some variety. From my lower than lowly vista you
} > appear as the unreachable perfection for which I do not even dream
} > to strive. You are such a monument of infallible supendousness that
} > your eternal and infinitely brilliant light stretches out accross the
} > heavenly abyss like a trillion nuclear torches and touches us all,
} > deep down to our very hearts and souls!
} > YOU ARE SO MIGHTY AND FINE, YOU SHINE LIKE A DIVINE BEACON OF
} > HOPE IN MY OTHERWISE HATEFUL LIFE!!
} > I AM SO UNWORTHY OF YOUR ATTENTION, SEE HOW STUPID AND LOWLY IS MY
} > QUESTION..
} > I ASK IT IN THE HOPE THAT YOUR ANSWER, IF YOU GRANT ONE, WILL SHOCK
} > ME SO UTTERLY THAT I SHALL PERISH AND MAKE THE WORLD A CLEANER, MORE
} > INTELLIGENT PLACE FOR OTHERS!
} >
} > O omniscient Oracle, who like Athena sprung fully formed from his
} > father's head.. Please tell me who is better: Harlan Ellison, or Larry
} > Ellison?
}
} First Incarnation..
} ------------------------------------
} } Hmmm.. good grovel supplicant, I haven't seen one like that in a dog's
} } age! I could do better myself, of course, but then I AM the Oracle!
} } The last time I saw such a grovel was centuries ago while I was
} } travelling through the area that is now Germany. I came across this
} } fine young lad who had been rehearsing his grovel for weeks and weeks!
} } Oh yes.. those were the days, sauerkraut, beer, sausages. Now those
} } people know how to grovel, but I could never stand all the spitting.
} } The arabians were just as bad, if not worse. Funny how languages come
} } about, one would suspect that living in the desert would produce a
} } more moisture-conserving language than Arabic.
} } Anyways.. the answer is Harlan.
} } You owe the Oracle a spit-guard for my trips to Egypt.
}
} Well.. that was a bit of a weak connection there, let's try another..
}
} Second Incarnation..
} --------------------------------------
} } Hey! That grovel was too good for a mere mortal? What's going on here?
} } OH.. OH.. Oh-no!! Not again!
} } I smell a woodch*ck here!
} } TRY TO TRICK ME WITH FLATTERY WILL THEY?
} } I'LL KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL..
} } BLAST THEM ALL TO PIECES.. JUST LIKE.. LIKE.. STARSHIP TROOPERS!!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!!
} } This is for the Roughnecks!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!!
} } AAAAAHHHRRRRGGG!!!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!! And this is for Buenos Aires!!
} } ZOT!!
} } ZOT!!
} } TAKE THAT YOU LOUSY BUGS!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHRRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!!
}
} Well, kind of entertaining, but a bit disturbing huh? You see the
} kind of trouble I have to contend with!
} Next incarnation..
}
} Third Incarnation..
} --------------------------------------
} } What? You mean the Oracle is just other people answering my
} } questions!?
} } What a jip! I thought the Oracle was real!
} } Look buddy.. good grovel and all, but appearently there is
} } no 'Internet Oracle', we've all been had!! Don't make the same mistake
} } I made.
} } Man! When I get a hold of that Kinzler guy... I'm gonna sue his ass
} } for false advertizing!
} }
} } Oh.. and it's Larry Ellison, he's awsome!
}
} Bloody unbelievers! Kinzler's gonna eat him alive! (figuratively
} speaking) There must be some good clear connections out there
} somewhere..  let's try this again..
}
} Fourth Incarnation..
} ---------------------------------------
} } Sear Dupplicant..
} }
} } You seem to have made a mig bistake!
} } The correct Ellison names are Larlan and Harry.
} } And Harry is better because he won't freeze in winter :-)
} }
} } You owe the Oracle a harry chestwig.
}
} A little better. Now.. the last time..
}
} Fifth Incarnation..
} ---------------------------------------
} } ******
} } * 42 *
} } ******
}
} Aach!! I'm so tired of that one! Douglas Adams is funny the first
} couple hundred times, but it really starts to wear thin after a
} while!
}
} Well.. that's all you get. Choose wisely, and next time.. I wanna
} see a grovel, I mean a REAL grovel!
}
} You owe the Oracle one of those BIG green blasting guns from Quake II,
} in case I grow tired of the zot staff.


1038-04    (4eqtd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To ZOT or not to ZOT, that is the question;
} Whether 'tis nobler in Mine eye
} To suffer the nulls and woodchucks of outrageous supplicants,
} Or take staff against the mail of Juno,
} And by ZOTing, end them.
} To ZOT; to answer nulls no more;
} And by a Zot to say you end the thousand empty mails
} The Net is heir to - 'tis a conflagration devoutly to be wished.
} To answer, to ZOT;
} To ZOT, perchance to bore;
} Aye, there's the rub!
} For if I bore the priest, what chance have I
} when digests new arrive within my sight,
} to see my work? Where's the respect
} That makes blessing of such long answers;
} For who would bear the jeers and scorn of rhod -
} The cascades long, Tom "Tom"'s tomfoolery,
} The piercing of unmentionable bodyparts, the newbies eaten,
} The tardiness of the priests and the votes
} that answers merit in an unworthy digest
} when he himself might his scoring fake,
} with a "5" flood?
}
} You owe the Oracle the Complete Works of Shakespeare, with a grovel at
} the start and a question mark at the end.


1038-05    (2gEp3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Great one, Your omniprescence fills my every thought.
> I long to serve you.  I am willing to give up anything and everyting
> for you.
>
> How do I become a priest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are many talents which must be possessed by the priesthood,
} supplicant.
}
} You need patience, to be able to sift through thousands of questions
} about woodchucks and still spot the gems between them.
}
} You need knowledge of the cultures of countries around the world,
} so that you don't miss a subtle reference which is hilarious if only
} you know a bit about the Ukrainian national dish (lard).
}
} You need mastery of all languages, dead and alive. Latin, French and
} C++ are compulsory for even the basest of priests. English often helps.
}
} You must know the ins and outs of computing, so as to understand the
} many computing references which find their way into questions.
}
} You must know all television programs and films, English, American
} and Belgian. Knowing the scripts of Star Wars, Titanic and everything
} by the Marx brothers always helps.
}
} Finally comes the quality which is most required of potential priests,
} the hurdle at which many otherwise worthy entities fall and must
} abandon all hope of entering that select group of superhumans known
} as the Oracular Priesthood. You must have a huge bundle of cash and
} other interesting items with which to bribe the Oracle. I'm not in
} this out of the goodness of my heart, after all.
}
} You owe the Oracle $1,000,000 and the original VT100. Then we'll see
} how well you do on the entrance exam.


1038-06    (clxe6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What if it doesn't?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Then we're all doomed.  But we can all take some small comfort in the
} fact that it's all your fault.


1038-07    (5cyr8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I bow low before the Great Oracle who's thoughtful and often
>   provocative appraisals of the mortal world should be carved in stone
>   on every mountain, in every nation! Oracle, Most Wise answer me this;
>
>   The "Discovery Channel Online History" at the following URL:
>
>   http://izzy.online.discovery.com/area/history/messy2/messy2.html
>
>   Praises the Emperor Nero with this line:
>
>   "Still he deserves credit for one thing. He did banish all mimes from
>    Rome."
>
>   Why has one who hated mimes suffered from so much bad press?
>   Shouldn't he be hailed as a model for us all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       As usual, supplicant, the history books have it about half-right.
} The mimes that the short-sighted ruler did away with were actually
} part of a specialized courier service.  Unlike normal messangers who
} simply delivered a scroll or had the message (hopefully) memorized,
} mime-encoded messages could include actual re-enactments of the event
} described, dramatic characterizations of the message sender, hastily
} sketched pictures and other enhancements.  Alas, their very success led
} to their downfall as the dreaded and inevitable feature-creep appeared.
} The presentations grew so elaborate that one message describing a
} battle required twenty mimes to deliver, four of whom did not survive
} the presentation.  Frustrated at the time he spent waiting for the
} message to be delivered, the emperor decreed that all messages be sent
} in ASCII text and banished the mimes from the city.  He paid for this
} luddite atitude when a later text-only message failed to distinguish
} between "fire" and "horrible conflagration consuming the capital".
}
}       You owe the Oracle two Civilization advances.


1038-08    (7wre6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Knowledge fills a large brain (such as the Oracle's), but it merely
> inflates a small one (such our sad mortal minds). Thank goodness that
> the things we know best aren't the things we haven't been taught, for
> it means we can learn much from the Great Oracle!
>
> Are humans the only animals that laugh and weep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, that time when you slipped on the catfood bowl and fell with your
} face down in the milk, Tiddles was only choking on a furball.
}
} You owe The Oracle some hamster sized hankerchiefs.


1038-09    (4fjtj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mr. Oracle? Could you hold please? Mr. Yeltsin will be so happy
> to hear we got through to you. Oh here he is now. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Borrrry! Boar-boar! The Yeltsinator. What's happenin', hot
} stuff?
}
} Boris: You do not be calling me these things! I am important man. I am
} Russian leader. You will call me President Yeltsin!
}
} Oracle: Yeah, yeah, whatever mashes your borscht. So, have you agreed
} to my terms?
}
} Boris: Sigh. Regrettably, the Parliament has agreed to the deal, and I
} must agree it is best way to go. Embarrassing as it may be.
}
} Oracle: So you agree to accept my $60 billion dollar contribution to
} prop up your failing stock market?
}
} Boris: Yes. <annoyed sigh>
}
} Oracle: And you agree to utilize the $4 billion dollar trust fund I'm
} signing over to you to dismantle nuclear weapons and protect existing
} enriched uranium supplies?
}
} Boris: Yes, I said yes!
}
} Oracle: And what about the bulldozers, cranes, and other industrial
} equipment I'm shipping you from Asia for use in strengthening the
} Russian infrastructure?
}
} Boris: Are you deaf? I said we accept! Stop rubbing in.
}
} Oracle: All right, all right. I can see this is killing you. Do you
} want to go ahead and get your "end of the bargain" out of the way?
}
} Boris: Yes, yes, quickly. The sooner the better.
}
} Oracle: Okay, get real close to the receiver. Let me just turn this
} thing on... <click> Okay, it's running. Start talking...and talk loud,
} so the recorder picks it all up.
}
} Boris: <sigh...> Hello, this is Boris Yeltsin, leader of Russian
} republic. Oracle is not home right now...he's too busy rockin' and
} rollin' and stayin' cool! Man, that Oracle rules! He could drink me
} under the ta...under the table...any...day...of the...NO! I CANNOT DO
} IT! I AM PROUD RUSSIAN MAN!! You go to HELL wise Oracle! Russia can
} burn for what I care, but DAMMIT I can drink and drink and drink so
} much it make your omnipotent head spin!
}
} Oracle: <click> All right. Suit yourself. Nelson Mandela has agreed to
} pose for a digital picture so I can paste his head on a dancing
} Hawaiian hula girl on my web page. Gosh, I wonder if his country could
} use some empowerment?
}
} Boris: I can drink and drink and drink and dri<click>...
}
} Oracle: Oh well. Some people.
}
} You owe the Oracle 500 shares of Smirnoff, Inc.


1038-10    (8rqi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle!
> You have more answers than a game of Trivial Pursuit!
> You are more full of knowledge than a politician is of himself!
> You have more fans than a Japanese geisha convention!
>
> I read the Russians are planning to launch large low-orbiting mirrors,
> ostensibly to light up the long polar winter-night with reflected
> sunlight; in the future, they'll selectively cancel nighttime all over
> the globe.
>
> Frankly, I don't buy that explanation. I haven't yet figured out _what_
> those huge mirrors are for, though. Spying? Laser weapons? Melting the
> polar icecaps? There's got to be a better explanation. Please tell!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After enough mirrors are launched, their movements will be coordinated
} to form a giant game of Tetris in the sky.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good idea for a sacrifice.


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