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Internet Oracularities #1039

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1039, 1039-01, 1039-02, 1039-03, 1039-04, 1039-05, 1039-06, 1039-07, 1039-08, 1039-09, 1039-10


Internet Oracularities #1039    (77 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 07:35:43 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   1039
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1039  77 votes 0dBn4 3bumb 8osg1 3hot4 awna2 nve63 9kqf7 cqrb1 2ats8 9okf9
1039  2.9 mean  3.2   3.4   2.7   3.2   2.5   2.2   2.9   2.5   3.4   2.9


1039-01    (0dBn4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most virtually discriminating Oracle:
>
> I just returned from a tasty and satisfying lunch, but was
> disturbed by the fact that my 'Peking Duck' was served with
> four drumsticks.  What have I really just eaten?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       A variant on Peking Duck, this recipe is influenced by a popular
} dish known as Chicken Kiev (a la Tchernobyl).  This delicate dish is
} notable for its long preparation time - at least two generations of
} ducks usually need to be exposed to high levels of radiation before the
} proper mutations begin to express themselves.  Cooking is relatively
} easy - just set the entire countryside on "Medium".  Beware of
} multi-limbed waterfowl grown in the U.S., as they may have been
} injected with mutagenic chemicals to speed up the process.  In any
} case, you don't need to worry about the safety of the food, but if you
} happen to develop superpowers, please use them for Good.
}
} You owe the Oracle an order of Twice-Chewed Chicken and a fortune
} cookie.


1039-02    (3bumb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you awakest us to delight in Knowledge; for you are Smart.
> Please know that my mind & heart will be restless, until I have had my
> question answered.
>
> Why do countries spend money developing rockets when the best and
> easiest way to get a nuclear bomb to someplace would be to send it by
> FedEx???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP 10 REASONS NOT TO USE FED-EX AD AS WEAPONS DELIVERY SYSTEM
} Prepared by I. Oracle for DOD review.
}
} 1. Sometimes "absolutely, positively has to be there overnight" just
}    isn't quite expedient enough in a global theater.
} 2. Suspected interference with those cute little tracking pads.
} 3. Obviously not redundant enough. Each truck/van would require
}    an additional engine, 4 additional tires, two drivers, and
}    a chase truck, for optimum delivery.
} 4. Cost is unreasonably low, unless we get rid of that stash of
}    hammers by sending a few with every package.
} 5. FedEx representatives have never sponsored a meeting at
}    a popular golf resort for the procurement staff.
} 6. Drivers in testing grew bald, toothless, and unstable after
}    a matter of weeks.
} 7. Not enough support crew needed to justify budgets.
} 8. They don't look as pretty as rockets, unless you get Arlene,
}    but I think she's getting married and quitting her route soon.
} 9. Tracking system is too acessible, enemies might return/reject
}    package prior to delivery.
} AND.....
} 10. It's more fun to strap w__dch__ks to rockets. (The FedEx people
}    were complaining about the teeth marks.)
}
} You owe the oracle a bigger club than the other guy's, preferrably
} several times bigger than his current club, as well as several
} thousand backup clubs in case he clubs me first.


1039-03    (8osg1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It's 9:00 on a Monday
> Regular staff shuffles in
> There's my old boss, standing over me
> Making noise about deadlines again
>
> He says "Son, you're just worthless and lazy,
> In life I can't say where you'll go,
> but by the end of the week, if this work ain't complete,
> I'm throwing you out on your nose!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   "I said 'Crack the ol'whip, you're the Boss Man
}   Crack that old whip today
}   My deadline is unacheivable
}   But I'll work on throughout the night"
}
}   Oooo La La La dee dee Da
}     O La La La dee dee Da, Da Dum
}
}   Now Betsy ol' girl, is a friend of mine,
}   She gets me my coffee or tea
}   Or she sits her chair, just doing her hair
}   Thanking her stars that she isn't me.
}
}   She says "Orrie, this will be the end of me"
}   As the smile went away from my face
}   "I think Lisa knows what we're up to, and
}   I've got to get out of this place!"
}
}   Oooo La La La dee dee Da
}     O La La La dee dee Da, Da Dum
}
}   Here's Ned, the company tech-noid
}   He complains, says I'm going to jail!
}   He seems to believe I've too much to read
}   and removes my Internet email.
}
}   Write answers now, you Oracle-dude!
}   Write all the answers you can!
}   You've used all of our server's time
}   From this office now you are banned!
}
} You owe the Oracle a job, preferably with Internet access.


1039-04    (3hot4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, whose large fleet of snazzy cars get 100 mpg in the
> city and 350 mpg on the highway, will you tell me why people with
> over-engineered trucks (such as Sport Utility Vehicles) will slow down
> to a crawl when going over a speedbump in a parking lot?  Do they
> think that their truck is unable to handle lumps in the road, even
> though they are designed to roll through fields and over pedestrians?
>
> Thank you in advance, O Mighty Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A worthy question!  If you consult the average sport utility vehicle
} manual, you will find under the heading speedbumps: "Gun it man,
} just fly over it and leave those dorky station wagons in the dust.
} This thing can take whatever you throw at it.  Yaaa!  Yaaaaaa!"
} However, if you consult your average human manual, under the section
} speedbumps, you will find: "sudden positive vertical accelerations
} followed by sharp blows on the cranium from roofs of sport utility
} vehicles will shorten the life of your new human".  I don't know what
} that's supposed to mean.  Just remember, the only reason they put in
} a brake pedal is for aesthetic symmetry.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mauve roll bar.


1039-05    (awna2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise, who can prove that sometimes a cigar is just a
> cigar.
>
> I had a dream that someone was struggling in the middle of an Olympic
> sized swimming pool. The lifeguards yelled for everyone to jump in and
> help.  The pool was suddenly wall to wall people.  After a few minutes
> the lifeguards yelled for everyone to get out again.  The guy that was
> about to drown had disappeared.
>
> What does this dream mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Jung proved that all people in a dream are aspects of oneself. Members
} of the opposite sex are the part of you that has traits of the opposite
} gender. Authority figures are your super-ego. Everyone else is just
} plain old you. Locations are your mind. Activities are your mind's
} dealings with realities.
}
} Sooooo, your dream means you feel overwhelmed by life and are worried
} about losing it altogether. But you have ample abilities just sitting
} there on the side lines, USE THEM!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pink tunnel, surrounded by bushes and filled
} with cream cheese.


1039-06    (nve63 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> I've been reading the oracularities for quite some time.
>
> since the 100's series. they were original, quick-witted,
> bright, and sometimes downright funny. So were questions,
> but then the questions donot mattter as the answerer is
> after all the oracle. The omnipotent, all-powerful, and
> of course the mighty.
>
> Now that if you notice the answers are neither funny or
> sagacious or wise. They are either so stupid that forrest
> gump would be like Einstein comparitively.
>
> If the answer in old days were not possible they would
> receive a quick witted or really sagacious one as reply.
> But now they are either really run-of-the-mill or plain
> **it.
>
> Possible. Because either the person who answers is dead
> and some moron is answering them. But this cannot be as
> he is immortal not immoral. Anyways, you cant say the
> questions are stupid. Because that's just the point.
> Even if the questions are stupid. They should get clever
> or atleast funny answer.
>
> So what's happening out there ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You've -never- heard of the sock fairy?!?!?


1039-07    (9kqf7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did the earth move for you too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the earth moves for me, and *only* for me.  When I walk,
} I am actually remaining stationary and am pushing the earth and the
} rest of the universe around me.  I am the center of everything in
} creation, probably because I am perhaps the most important person
} who has ever existed.  Hope that helps.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cigarette.


1039-08    (cqrb1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most well-read, owner of every text lost in the Alexandria
> Fire, master of all tongues and Sage of the Printed Page;
>
> What will the last book be about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An excellent question indeed, my good friend.  The last book ever
} written will be "Fatten Up Your Brain, Slim Down Those Thighs!" by
} Meriwether Twinkle.  It will detail psychological methods of
} weight-loss by creating negative food associations, such as by covering
} your refridgerator with big, scary tarantulas, watching someone
} brutally kill your mother with a chocolate eclair, and hiring people to
} surround you at meal-times and ask you annoying questions about
} woodchucks.


1039-09    (2ats8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No matter how shifting and unpredictable life may be the Oracle is
> always there for us, proud and true and good;
>
> Are there any gods currently working as gas station attendants in Los
> Angeles? I saw the oddest person at the Shell station. . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, No Gods are currently working as gas station attendants --
} they tend to have problems in that profession:
}
} Note, Gods in general have problems in team situations -- being
} omnipotent tends to mean you don't have to work together...
}
}   Aphrodite WAS briefly employed by Shell, but she kept violating the
}     dress code (i.e., that she STAY DRESSED)
}   Zues got upset at a customer, and toasted several city blocks when
}     his lightning bolt hit the underground tank
}   Apollo's chariot makes him a poor choice for working near flammable
}     chemicals
}   Mercury keeps mixing up people's change, generating a LOT of customer
}     complaints
}   Mars failed to get past the interview stage (MUCH too argumentative)
}     and the resulting slaughter of Human resources personnel makes it
}     really tough for him to get an appointment
}   Vulcan was briefly employed (got handicapped preference) as a
}     body-shop worker, but his tendancy to use a forge to fix all
}     problems and (worse yet) to handle customer complaints by using the
}     customer's lifeblood as a quench lead to a quick end to his career.
}     Management WAS impressed by the quality of his work, though.
}   Athena got fired when she advised the boss as to the best management
}     decision, he took another choice, and SHE WAS RIGHT
}
} I'm sure you see the trend.  The odd person you saw was probably some
} out-of-work temple worker...
}
} You owe the Oracle a fill-up, check the oil and REALLY clean the
} windows...


1039-10    (9okf9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most politically parabolical one, what exactly is the evidence on
> Monica's dress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Monica: I don't see why you keep asking me all these questions.
}    What does it matter whether I did or not?
}
} Kenneth Starr: It's *very* important. If you had sex with Chandler
}    Bing the night before Ross's wedding, that means that next season
}    the writers are going to try to distract us from that whole
}    stupid Ross-Rachel mess with one of the lamest pair-ups in
}    sitcom history: a whiny, scrawny, cleanliness fanatic (no offense
}    intended) --
}
} Monica: None taken.
}
} Starr: -- And a sarcasm freak whose major shtick is that he has less
}    success with women than the gay guy on _Veronica's Closet_.
}
} Monica: Okay, suppose I were willing to state that I did have
}    sex with Chandler. Could you guarantee me immunity?
}
} Starr: No, I couldn't do that -- it would look like a quid pro quo,
}    like I was trying to buy damaging testimony.
}
} Monica: Oh, cummon. Please?
}
} Starr: No.
}
} Monica: Pleeeeeeease?
}
} Starr: No.
}
} Monica: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
}
} Starr: Oh, all right. I hereby grant you full immunity from
}    prosecution.
}
} Monica: Okay -- then I did have sex with Chandler.
}
} Starr: Do you have any physical evidence I can bring to court?
}    I don't want it to be just your word against his.
}
} Monica: Well, we took some pictures. [She starts to open up a
}    manila envelope.]
}
} Starr [frantically]: For God's sake, put those away! There are
}    some images I just don't ever want to have in front of my
}    eyes . . .
}
} Monica: Oh. Well, how about my dress. [She pulls a dress out
}    of her purse.] I haven't washed it or anything, so it still
}    has physical evidence all over it. See -- over here, and
}    here, and here? Bodily fluids.
}
} Starr: Um, Ms. Geller? That's spit.
}
} Monica: Yup.
}
} Starr: I don't think spit is genetically traceable.
}
} Monica: Oh. Well, what about this one?
}
} Starr: Tears. Just what the hell were you two doing? No -- don't
}    take those pictures out!
}
} Monica [putting the envelope away again]: I think it was when I
}    told him we were going to be paired up all next season. He
}    did a spit take, and then started crying. See, and over there
}    where your hand is, that's where he had to blow his nose.
}
} Starr: I see. Well, thank you for your time, Ms. Geller.
}
} Monica: So you're going to serve him with a subpoena?
}
} Starr: We'll see -- I still have some other people I need
}    to talk to. [She leaves.] *Sigh*. [He buzzes his secretary:]
}    Could you send Ms. Seles in now? Thanks . . .
} --------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Could you *owe* the Oracle any more stuff?


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