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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> H   O   l   c   y   d   h       '   o   o   u >  e   r c e   a   o   o t i ?   t s l t   f f n >   y   a   ,   n   u       s   I       s       !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} F  a  y    m   e   s    m   p    h   c           l   a }  i  l  !  o e n   a    o e u  w t     u e f r d s e i ! }   n  l   S   o   h    c        i   a   r   o   y   x

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think my rap song is hit material? > >       THE BRAIN-LOOSE RAP by Kid B.Z. > >       Now listen everybody, I'll tell you the tale, >       About a funky girl name of Abigail. >       I felt kinda blue about the ladies, you see, >       I couldn't find a girl quite as bizarre as me. > >       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > >               Loosen your brain >               It ain't a strain >               It's lotsa fun >               Once it is done >               Your thoughts held tight >               Well, just ain't right >               You drop control >               And let 'em roll >               'Round 'n 'round >               Up 'n down >               Shark cheese > >       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > >       She looked real fine, on that ain't no doubt, >       But still one thing I wondered about. >       I had to know, can she supply my need, >       To twist my sense of reality? > >       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > >               Loosen your brain >               It ain't a strain >               It's lotsa fun >               Once it is done >               Your thoughts held tight >               Well, just ain't right >               You drop control >               And let 'em roll >               'Round 'n 'round >               Up 'n down >               Striptease > >       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > >       She gave me a wink, whispered, "Come over here, >       I have a request you might think rather queer, >       Please clean my navel."  Well, that proved to me, >       Her brain was as loose as her morality.  Yeah! > >       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > >       Ah, Mama, she's the girl for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahaw } ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahaw      Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! } ziza huh ziza huh ziza hawahu ahaw    Oracle! } ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahah } } I'm the USENET Oracle I'll have you unnerstand } And it's a keyboard, not a microphone I'm holdin in my hand } You can e-mail stale questions to me via network } You can ask for my advice, I may be nice or be a jerk } So today I gotta say I aughtta answer Kid BZ } And give you my review of the lyrics mailed to me } I seen worse kind of verse on a cereal box } So lend an ear, you will hear how the Oracle rocks } } ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahaw } ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahaw      Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! } ziza huh ziza hu ziza hawahu ahaw    Oracle! } ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahah } } I got fresh crisp words, they're never lame or corny } And the beat is sweet enough to get your girlfriend horny } She's a cover girl, like other girls the Oracle has seen } With a face like the cover on a Mad Magazine } I ain't sayin that her dad got a whore for a daughter } But her T-shirt says "four plays for a quarter" } So don't rap the Oracle with these tales about your tail } You better send your letter to Dear Abagail } And dude, don't think I'm rude or some other kind of snob } When I'm tellin ya fella not to quit your day job } Cause the hoke that you spoke is enough to make me choke } And the rappin you make happen proves you're no Tone Loc

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The U.S.  Government seems to think that 1) I have the money to pay them > 90% of my gross income and that 2) I understand their tax forms. > Somewhere along the way, someone encouraged them to think this way.  How > do I tell them (politely) to go chew a rock when it comes to paying > taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you seem to think that you should tell the government the truth } when it comes to your taxes anyways?  They're never telling us the } truth.  Consider Irangate, Bush's involvement in CIA drug smuggling, Dan } Quayle's existence, etc.  No one understands the forms, and no one can } afford what they want to take.  So the simple solution is...  don't give } it to them!  Hell, in the L.A.  Times last week, it said the I.R.S. } only has the resources to audit 1% of the incoming tax forms.  1%!!! } You'll get caught once in a hundred years, and even then you can still } weasel your way out.  Have your parents help you fill in your tax form; } they've already figured out how to cheat.  They're an invaluable source } of info. } } You owe the Oracle a $2500 deduction for contraceptives.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am very interested in the rating system of responses by the oracle. > Appearantly funny responses get a score of 5 and not so funny ones get a > 1.  What will be the score of the answer to this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm...interesting, interesting.  You see, son, the whole problem here } is one of determinism:  You're asking me to predict something that is } dependent on the nature of the prediction!  Normally, we here at the } Oracle's office, try to avoid these kinds of paradoxes, but what the } hell!  The key element, of course, is the fact that predictions of any } kind require a vision, and visions, don't come cheap, no sir!!!  Now are } they easy:  the last time I induced a vision, I was in a trance for a } good three billion years!!  (Or, to put it another way, I went under } four advanced technological civilizations ago.) But I'm willing to do } it, just for you son!  I just need to _sip_ this bottle here...Mmmm, '73 } Bordeaux...just another sip'll do it...OK!!  Talk to you in just a } little bit!  This trance shouldn't be anywhere *near* as long as that } last one though *heh* Seeya in a coupl'a thousand years! } } Nancy, hold all calls...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > >   can you please get me a big, smart, sexy guy to play with?  I was a > good girl all last year, I mean I was REALLY good, and I asked Santa > Claus but he didn't bring me one and I know you are better than Santa > anyway, so can you find me one and send it to me?  Gosh, thanks, big O!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold one moment...transferring your question to the gift giving } department... } } *really sappy musak* } } Gift department...one moment please...transferring to sexy guy } department. } } *To all the girls I've loved before....* } ACK!!!! } } Gift Giving Department...sexy guy division: } } What's this?  You say that Santa wouldn't give you a sexy guy? } Hmmm...that seems to be a typical complaint around here.  It seems that } the SCC (Santa Clause Commision) has some regulations about what he can } carry in that bag of his.  Plus, do you know how difficult it is to } stuff the poor guy down a chimney?  I can see that you haven't thought } of that, but that's where we come in.  We have the largest fleet of sexy } guy delivery trucks in the world.  And now thanks to our new computer } system we can usually get the orders sent out within 24 hours. } } We'd like you to simply fill out this questionaire and we will be happy } to process your order: } } cut here: } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } 1) Height desired: } 2) Eye & Hair Color desired: } 3) Do you want: }       a) a conversationalist? }       b) a JOCK? }       c) a gweeper? }       d) a politician (though we hope not)? }       e) Jim Bakker? (extra 24 hours on delivery if we have to clean }                       Tammy's makeup off him) }       f) Rob Lowe? (complimentary video camera: though you have to }                     provide tape) } }  4) What is your desired activity with this guy? (we may have to provide }       him with certain medical supplies to be active with you) }  5) Please supply a permission slip signed by a legal adult. (or nearest }       member of the moral majority...[good luck on that one]) } } Sign here if all information is true to the best of your abilities: } }       X___________________________________________________________ } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } We now transfer you to the Oracular Billing Department: } } *even worse sappy muzak* } } Billing Department: } }       Thank you for using the oracularity shopping service. }       You owe the oracle two witty sayings, a small cat, }       and your first born son. (of said sexy guy) } }       Have a nice day!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does anyone know how I can get ispell to ignore TeX commands?  If there > is no TeX flag for ispell, is there a way of loading a personalized > dictionary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'M SORRY YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP!  WE'RE HAVING A PARTY HERE RIGHT NOW. } WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION? } } OH!  HOLD ON I'LL CHECK.... } } HEY, DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW THIS GUY CAN GET ISPELL TO IGNORE TeX } COMMANDS? } } No } Nope. } Uh uh! } No idea. } Ummmmm. No } } SORRY, LOOKS LIKE NOBODY HERE KNOWS.  I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE! } } HEY SHORTY, POUR ME ANOTHER DRINK WILL YA'?  THANKS.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why should I never jump into a tub full of Pop Rocks (tm) when wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same reason people like you should invest in minor cranial surgery. } } You owe the ORACLE:  A package of Pop Rocks (not sullied by your } presence).

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ss, of course, I'm in a big X window or somethin I > e the right.  And that doesn't make me feel ve g > l                                            r . l > n o                                          y   i > U t                                              k >                                              s T e >   r                                          a h > . o                ?lamron siht sI  .lla ta ef e i > e /dna em woleb ecaps etihw fo stol eb d'ereht n t > fas yrev leef em sekam tI  .segde eht dnuora ereh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, i don't think it's very normal at all.  Although living on the edge } was described by freud as beneficial to mental health (Occam's Razor and } other sharp dreams, freud s., 1911, vienna bagel press, p.xxiiia), my } xwindows manual (algebra made easy, thomas, podunk university press, p. } x^2) says that } }         ...all text should be kept to the interior.  this facilitates }         porting, window resizing, and real solutions to the quadratic }         equation. } } sleep 2 and call me in the morning.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shit!  Someone left a bomb here...  Have about 3 minutes left...  There > are three wires running from the clock -- a red one, a green one, and a > yellow one...  Which do I cut to keep the thing from exploding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:  birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma J. Birnbaum) } Subject:  The Oracle is responding to another question } } Dear Sir or Madam: } The Oracle is currently busy responding to another question.  Please } bear with us for about three minutes and He will reply.  Thank you. } } Sincerely, } Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle } (Secretary to the Oracle) } } ... } ... } ... } ... } } O.K., I'm here, now what was it you wanted?  Oh, for crying out loud. } You didn't need me to tell you how to defuse this thing.  Look, } there are two batteries.  One runs the timer and the other sends } current through the igniter.  The red wire connects the first battery } to the timer; if you cut that, the clock will stop.  The other two } wires connect the second battery to the igniter; if you cut one of } those two, the igniter will fail to burn once the clock reaches twelve } o'clock.  The answer is simple:  you can cut } } }               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M }               B    B        O   O        O   O     MM     MM }               B     B      O     O      O     O    M M   M M }               B    B      O       O    O       O   M  M M  M }               BBBBB       O       O    O       O   M   M   M }               B    B      O       O    O       O   M       M }               B     B      O     O      O     O    M       M }               B    B        O   O        O   O     M       M }               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M } } } ...any of them... } } You owe the Oracle a er, um, hmm... say, being the fact that you're } dead and all, it could get real ugly for me if you should happen to } explain to the Man Upstairs how you got there.  Tell you what, let's } cut a deal:  I can arrange for the U. of Indy to pay for your funeral; } in exchange you say nothing about how I botched... } } [BEEP] } >> Message from "god@gates.heavan.gov (The Almighty)" on QS17441 << } } Shit!  Too late. } oh, well... } } Yes, your Grace? } } > THERE'S THIS GUY AT THE PEARLY GATES WHO SAYS HE WAS KILLED WHEN A } > BOMB WENT OFF IN HIS OFFICE.  HE SAYS YOU FAILED TO PROVIDE HIM } > INSTRUCTIONS FOR DEFUSING IT IN A TIMELY FASHION.  IS THIS TRUE? } } ...yes, your Grace... } } > DO YOU REMEMBER THE PENALTY FOR GETTING SOMEONE KILLED BECAUSE OF } > YOUR NEGLIGENCE? } } ...how could i forget?  i had to clean those stupid unicorn stalls } last week just for telling this guy he could increase his calcium } intake by drinking milk.  how was i supposed to know the cow would } sit on him? } } > WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE INTERFACING.  GET TO IT!! } } ..but your Grace.. } } > NOW!!! } } ...Yes, your Grace... } } > GOODBYE. } } ...goodbye, your Grace. } ... } Damn! } } > AND STOP YOUR SWEARING. } } ...yes, your Grace...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     After much consternation and thought, I, the Great Oracle, have > decided to seek outside wisdom from The Great Oracle in order to provide > an answer to the question posed to it. > > > Oh Oracle most wise: > > > > Why can't I stop myself from eating at McDonalds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, damn did I forget my lithium again? } This Society Of Mind stuff is interesting, but there's just entirely } too many of us in here. } } At any rate, on to the central question... } } > ha!  You think you can stump the Great Oracle with such a transparent } > conundrum? It's very simple.  McD's does not serve *food*.  Therefore, } > your consumption of thier product can not be considered eating.  This } > means you never have eaten at McDonald's.  So of course you can't } > refrain from eating because you never have and never will be able to } > eat at McDonald's. } > } > Unless, of course, you brown bag it.  But that will get you tossed out } > of the "restaurant" and is another question all together. } > } > You owe the Oracle lunch. } } And *you* owe the Oracle an appointment calendar so we wont miss our } next few psychotherapy sessions!