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Internet Oracularities #104

Goto:
104, 104-01, 104-02, 104-03, 104-04, 104-05, 104-06, 104-07, 104-08, 104-09, 104-10


Usenet Oracularities #104    (20 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 18 Jan 90 20:41:08 GMT

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are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

104   20 votes 25535 1324a 25931 64640 03575 48341 55442 22862 0217a 03773
104   3.2 mean  3.2   4.0   2.8   2.4   3.7   2.5   2.6   3.2   4.2   3.5


104-01    (25535 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> H   O   l   c   y   d   h       '   o   o   u
>  e   r c e   a   o   o t i ?   t s l t   f f n
>   y   a   ,   n   u       s   I       s       !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} F  a  y    m   e   s    m   p    h   c           l   a
}  i  l  !  o e n   a    o e u  w t     u e f r d s e i !
}   n  l   S   o   h    c        i   a   r   o   y   x


104-02    (1324a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think my rap song is hit material?
>
>       THE BRAIN-LOOSE RAP by Kid B.Z.
>
>       Now listen everybody, I'll tell you the tale,
>       About a funky girl name of Abigail.
>       I felt kinda blue about the ladies, you see,
>       I couldn't find a girl quite as bizarre as me.
>
>       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah
>
>               Loosen your brain
>               It ain't a strain
>               It's lotsa fun
>               Once it is done
>               Your thoughts held tight
>               Well, just ain't right
>               You drop control
>               And let 'em roll
>               'Round 'n 'round
>               Up 'n down
>               Shark cheese
>
>       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah
>
>       She looked real fine, on that ain't no doubt,
>       But still one thing I wondered about.
>       I had to know, can she supply my need,
>       To twist my sense of reality?
>
>       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah
>
>               Loosen your brain
>               It ain't a strain
>               It's lotsa fun
>               Once it is done
>               Your thoughts held tight
>               Well, just ain't right
>               You drop control
>               And let 'em roll
>               'Round 'n 'round
>               Up 'n down
>               Striptease
>
>       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah
>
>       She gave me a wink, whispered, "Come over here,
>       I have a request you might think rather queer,
>       Please clean my navel."  Well, that proved to me,
>       Her brain was as loose as her morality.  Yeah!
>
>       uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah
>
>       Ah, Mama, she's the girl for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahaw
} ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahaw      Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
} ziza huh ziza huh ziza hawahu ahaw    Oracle!
} ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahah
}
} I'm the USENET Oracle I'll have you unnerstand
} And it's a keyboard, not a microphone I'm holdin in my hand
} You can e-mail stale questions to me via network
} You can ask for my advice, I may be nice or be a jerk
} So today I gotta say I aughtta answer Kid BZ
} And give you my review of the lyrics mailed to me
} I seen worse kind of verse on a cereal box
} So lend an ear, you will hear how the Oracle rocks
}
} ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahaw
} ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahaw      Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
} ziza huh ziza hu ziza hawahu ahaw    Oracle!
} ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahah
}
} I got fresh crisp words, they're never lame or corny
} And the beat is sweet enough to get your girlfriend horny
} She's a cover girl, like other girls the Oracle has seen
} With a face like the cover on a Mad Magazine
} I ain't sayin that her dad got a whore for a daughter
} But her T-shirt says "four plays for a quarter"
} So don't rap the Oracle with these tales about your tail
} You better send your letter to Dear Abagail
} And dude, don't think I'm rude or some other kind of snob
} When I'm tellin ya fella not to quit your day job
} Cause the hoke that you spoke is enough to make me choke
} And the rappin you make happen proves you're no Tone Loc


104-03    (25931 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The U.S.  Government seems to think that 1) I have the money to pay them
> 90% of my gross income and that 2) I understand their tax forms.
> Somewhere along the way, someone encouraged them to think this way.  How
> do I tell them (politely) to go chew a rock when it comes to paying
> taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why do you seem to think that you should tell the government the truth
} when it comes to your taxes anyways?  They're never telling us the
} truth.  Consider Irangate, Bush's involvement in CIA drug smuggling, Dan
} Quayle's existence, etc.  No one understands the forms, and no one can
} afford what they want to take.  So the simple solution is...  don't give
} it to them!  Hell, in the L.A.  Times last week, it said the I.R.S.
} only has the resources to audit 1% of the incoming tax forms.  1%!!!
} You'll get caught once in a hundred years, and even then you can still
} weasel your way out.  Have your parents help you fill in your tax form;
} they've already figured out how to cheat.  They're an invaluable source
} of info.
}
} You owe the Oracle a $2500 deduction for contraceptives.


104-04    (64640 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am very interested in the rating system of responses by the oracle.
> Appearantly funny responses get a score of 5 and not so funny ones get a
> 1.  What will be the score of the answer to this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm...interesting, interesting.  You see, son, the whole problem here
} is one of determinism:  You're asking me to predict something that is
} dependent on the nature of the prediction!  Normally, we here at the
} Oracle's office, try to avoid these kinds of paradoxes, but what the
} hell!  The key element, of course, is the fact that predictions of any
} kind require a vision, and visions, don't come cheap, no sir!!!  Now are
} they easy:  the last time I induced a vision, I was in a trance for a
} good three billion years!!  (Or, to put it another way, I went under
} four advanced technological civilizations ago.) But I'm willing to do
} it, just for you son!  I just need to _sip_ this bottle here...Mmmm, '73
} Bordeaux...just another sip'll do it...OK!!  Talk to you in just a
} little bit!  This trance shouldn't be anywhere *near* as long as that
} last one though *heh* Seeya in a coupl'a thousand years!
}
} Nancy, hold all calls...


104-05    (03575 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>   can you please get me a big, smart, sexy guy to play with?  I was a
> good girl all last year, I mean I was REALLY good, and I asked Santa
> Claus but he didn't bring me one and I know you are better than Santa
> anyway, so can you find me one and send it to me?  Gosh, thanks, big O!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hold one moment...transferring your question to the gift giving
} department...
}
} *really sappy musak*
}
} Gift department...one moment please...transferring to sexy guy
} department.
}
} *To all the girls I've loved before....*
} ACK!!!!
}
} Gift Giving Department...sexy guy division:
}
} What's this?  You say that Santa wouldn't give you a sexy guy?
} Hmmm...that seems to be a typical complaint around here.  It seems that
} the SCC (Santa Clause Commision) has some regulations about what he can
} carry in that bag of his.  Plus, do you know how difficult it is to
} stuff the poor guy down a chimney?  I can see that you haven't thought
} of that, but that's where we come in.  We have the largest fleet of sexy
} guy delivery trucks in the world.  And now thanks to our new computer
} system we can usually get the orders sent out within 24 hours.
}
} We'd like you to simply fill out this questionaire and we will be happy
} to process your order:
}
} cut here:
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} 1) Height desired:
} 2) Eye & Hair Color desired:
} 3) Do you want:
}       a) a conversationalist?
}       b) a JOCK?
}       c) a gweeper?
}       d) a politician (though we hope not)?
}       e) Jim Bakker? (extra 24 hours on delivery if we have to clean
}                       Tammy's makeup off him)
}       f) Rob Lowe? (complimentary video camera: though you have to
}                     provide tape)
}
}  4) What is your desired activity with this guy? (we may have to provide
}       him with certain medical supplies to be active with you)
}  5) Please supply a permission slip signed by a legal adult. (or nearest
}       member of the moral majority...[good luck on that one])
}
} Sign here if all information is true to the best of your abilities:
}
}       X___________________________________________________________
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} We now transfer you to the Oracular Billing Department:
}
} *even worse sappy muzak*
}
} Billing Department:
}
}       Thank you for using the oracularity shopping service.
}       You owe the oracle two witty sayings, a small cat,
}       and your first born son. (of said sexy guy)
}
}       Have a nice day!


104-06    (48341 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does anyone know how I can get ispell to ignore TeX commands?  If there
> is no TeX flag for ispell, is there a way of loading a personalized
> dictionary?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'M SORRY YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP!  WE'RE HAVING A PARTY HERE RIGHT NOW.
} WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION?
}
} OH!  HOLD ON I'LL CHECK....
}
} HEY, DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW THIS GUY CAN GET ISPELL TO IGNORE TeX
} COMMANDS?
}
} No
} Nope.
} Uh uh!
} No idea.
} Ummmmm. No
}
} SORRY, LOOKS LIKE NOBODY HERE KNOWS.  I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE!
}
} HEY SHORTY, POUR ME ANOTHER DRINK WILL YA'?  THANKS.


104-07    (55442 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why should I never jump into a tub full of Pop Rocks (tm) when wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The same reason people like you should invest in minor cranial surgery.
}
} You owe the ORACLE:  A package of Pop Rocks (not sullied by your
} presence).


104-08    (22862 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ss, of course, I'm in a big X window or somethin I
> e the right.  And that doesn't make me feel ve g
> l                                            r . l
> n o                                          y   i
> U t                                              k
>                                              s T e
>   r                                          a h
> . o                ?lamron siht sI  .lla ta ef e i
> e /dna em woleb ecaps etihw fo stol eb d'ereht n t
> fas yrev leef em sekam tI  .segde eht dnuora ereh

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, i don't think it's very normal at all.  Although living on the edge
} was described by freud as beneficial to mental health (Occam's Razor and
} other sharp dreams, freud s., 1911, vienna bagel press, p.xxiiia), my
} xwindows manual (algebra made easy, thomas, podunk university press, p.
} x^2) says that
}
}         ...all text should be kept to the interior.  this facilitates
}         porting, window resizing, and real solutions to the quadratic
}         equation.
}
} sleep 2 and call me in the morning.


104-09    (0217a dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shit!  Someone left a bomb here...  Have about 3 minutes left...  There
> are three wires running from the clock -- a red one, a green one, and a
> yellow one...  Which do I cut to keep the thing from exploding?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From:  birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma J. Birnbaum)
} Subject:  The Oracle is responding to another question
}
} Dear Sir or Madam:
} The Oracle is currently busy responding to another question.  Please
} bear with us for about three minutes and He will reply.  Thank you.
}
} Sincerely,
} Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle
} (Secretary to the Oracle)
}
} ...
} ...
} ...
} ...
}
} O.K., I'm here, now what was it you wanted?  Oh, for crying out loud.
} You didn't need me to tell you how to defuse this thing.  Look,
} there are two batteries.  One runs the timer and the other sends
} current through the igniter.  The red wire connects the first battery
} to the timer; if you cut that, the clock will stop.  The other two
} wires connect the second battery to the igniter; if you cut one of
} those two, the igniter will fail to burn once the clock reaches twelve
} o'clock.  The answer is simple:  you can cut
}
}
}               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M
}               B    B        O   O        O   O     MM     MM
}               B     B      O     O      O     O    M M   M M
}               B    B      O       O    O       O   M  M M  M
}               BBBBB       O       O    O       O   M   M   M
}               B    B      O       O    O       O   M       M
}               B     B      O     O      O     O    M       M
}               B    B        O   O        O   O     M       M
}               BBBBB          OOO          OOO      M       M
}
}
} ...any of them...
}
} You owe the Oracle a er, um, hmm... say, being the fact that you're
} dead and all, it could get real ugly for me if you should happen to
} explain to the Man Upstairs how you got there.  Tell you what, let's
} cut a deal:  I can arrange for the U. of Indy to pay for your funeral;
} in exchange you say nothing about how I botched...
}
} [BEEP]
} >> Message from "god@gates.heavan.gov (The Almighty)" on QS17441 <<
}
} Shit!  Too late.
} oh, well...
}
} Yes, your Grace?
}
} > THERE'S THIS GUY AT THE PEARLY GATES WHO SAYS HE WAS KILLED WHEN A
} > BOMB WENT OFF IN HIS OFFICE.  HE SAYS YOU FAILED TO PROVIDE HIM
} > INSTRUCTIONS FOR DEFUSING IT IN A TIMELY FASHION.  IS THIS TRUE?
}
} ...yes, your Grace...
}
} > DO YOU REMEMBER THE PENALTY FOR GETTING SOMEONE KILLED BECAUSE OF
} > YOUR NEGLIGENCE?
}
} ...how could i forget?  i had to clean those stupid unicorn stalls
} last week just for telling this guy he could increase his calcium
} intake by drinking milk.  how was i supposed to know the cow would
} sit on him?
}
} > WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE INTERFACING.  GET TO IT!!
}
} ..but your Grace..
}
} > NOW!!!
}
} ...Yes, your Grace...
}
} > GOODBYE.
}
} ...goodbye, your Grace.
} ...
} Damn!
}
} > AND STOP YOUR SWEARING.
}
} ...yes, your Grace...


104-10    (03773 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     After much consternation and thought, I, the Great Oracle, have
> decided to seek outside wisdom from The Great Oracle in order to provide
> an answer to the question posed to it.
>
> > Oh Oracle most wise:
> >
> > Why can't I stop myself from eating at McDonalds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, damn did I forget my lithium again?
} This Society Of Mind stuff is interesting, but there's just entirely
} too many of us in here.
}
} At any rate, on to the central question...
}
} > ha!  You think you can stump the Great Oracle with such a transparent
} > conundrum? It's very simple.  McD's does not serve *food*.  Therefore,
} > your consumption of thier product can not be considered eating.  This
} > means you never have eaten at McDonald's.  So of course you can't
} > refrain from eating because you never have and never will be able to
} > eat at McDonald's.
} >
} > Unless, of course, you brown bag it.  But that will get you tossed out
} > of the "restaurant" and is another question all together.
} >
} > You owe the Oracle lunch.
}
} And *you* owe the Oracle an appointment calendar so we wont miss our
} next few psychotherapy sessions!


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