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Internet Oracularities #1040

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Internet Oracularities #1040    (83 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 11 Aug 1998 10:19:25 -0500 (EST)

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   1040
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1040  83 votes bgnlc 38vtc jhlj7 7lwh6 6kzg6 edEc4 8lrk7 37rrj 5ahul 2fmya
1040  3.2 mean  3.1   3.5   2.7   2.9   3.0   2.7   3.0   3.6   3.6   3.4


1040-01    (bgnlc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who has access to libraries past, present, and future,
> who knows the printer's art backwards...
>
> What are the best books that were never written?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best books that were never written were James Joyce's planned
} sequels to _Finnegan's Wake_, _Finnegan Gets the Shaft_ (a foray into
} the hard-boiled detective genre) and _Finnegan in Wonderland_ (a
} light-hearted children's tale).  It's a tragedy of indescribably
} proportions that the world of literature was robbed of these gems when
} James Joyce sobered up and decided not to write them.  However, a brief
} snippet of each -- scrawled drunkenly on bar napkins -- survived,
} thankfully, and I've reprinted them here for you.
}
}                           FINNEGAN GETS THE SHAFT
}
} lugergun, past Spade and Archer's, from screech of street to barf of
} beer, picked up by a fedoratopped flatfoot of discernification back to
} Smoky Office and Environs.  Mike Finnegan, private d'etective, fr'over
} the laundromat downthestairs, had powder-dust contrived from Precinct
} Serpentine on this side the crummy megapol down Canal Street to
} pinkyprint his evidentiary gat...[runs out of room on napkin]
}
}                            FINNEGAN IN WONDERLAND
}
} The fall
} (whopwhopthunkwhopwhopclinkmeowkersmashbiffbangboomdinaharrrgh!) down a
} once rabbitwide holecave is rapidstopped thumping to ground and spying
} on stopperbottle request to ingest all respondez silverplate. The great
} roll of the harehole enthirsted at such short notice the pftjthroat of
} Finnegan, erse solid man, that the parchedpersona of humself prumptly
} chugs a refrushing glug and wells up the walls away from his
} tumptytumtoes: and his headheightheftandsize are all the high rise in
} the sky where orioles have been flew from coops until a cake...[beer
} spill renders remainder of text unreadable]
}
} You owe the Oracle a portrait of himself as a young soothsayer.


1040-02    (38vtc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Fair and Well-Balanced and Yellow Padded Oracle, please do your
> white powdered wig and answer the following for me please:
>
> Which of these maxims do you think is better to base a legal system on?
>
> a) Better that a hundred criminals go free than one innocent man be
>    jailed.
>
> b) An eye for an eye, a tooth for  a tooth.
>
> c) Kill them all, let God sort them out.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None of the above.  There is an ancient (and therefore obviously wise)
} system, which has fallen into disuse in recent centuries, but which is
} ripe for revival.  I refer, of course, to trial by combat.  Of course,
} things have changed a little since trial by combat was last in vogue:
} the days of two opponents meeting alone on the sward before the castle
} are over, and nowadays every litigant needs his team of lawyers - the
} more the merrier, I say.  Of course, televised court proceedings would
} become much more marketable, and we could probably afford to get the
} broadcasters to pay the lawyers fees, thus bringing justice equally to
} all.  In the future, news reports will look something like:
}
} David: At the Old Bailey today, the Smith trial continues.
}        Tom Sawyer has the details.
} Tom:   Well, David, the action has moved back into open court now,
}        following a dispute over rules of evidence earlier in the
}        day, which had to be resolved in chambers.  It is rumoured
}        that his Honour Referee Braithwaite finally had to invoke
}        the House of Lord's ruling on the matter last year, and
}        had the problem resolved based on the outcome of a nude
}        mud-wrestling match between defence and prosecution teams.
} David: So what's happening now?
} Tom:   Well, it would seem that the defence won the argument, and
}        Sir Anthony Crossling QC has been allowed to introduce his
}        non-standard extra-long katana.
} David: That'll cause some problems for the prosecution, then?
} Tom:   Well, yes.  Sir Anthony is a past master at the katana,
}        while Ms Rachel Atkins, acting for the Crown, has almost
}        no experience with edged weapons.  However .... Oh, just
}        a minute ... Yes, I've just heard that they're about to
}        resume, and that Ms Atkins has obtained the referee's
}        permission to swap her usual choice of quarterstaff for an
}        8-foot pikel.  Well, that evens up the chances a bit for
}        the prosecution.
}            And they're back in action.  Sir Anthony opting for a
}        very conservative position, and concentrating mainly on
}        putting forward a solid and unbreakable defence.  Ms
}        Atkins seems to be going all out for a win, but ... OH!
}        What a blow!  She reversed her pikel in mid-swing and used
}        the blunt end in a scathing attack on Sir Anthony's
}        ankles, and he's down.  Well, a completely novel piece of
}        legal manouevring there, and the referee isn't sure ....
}        yes, he's given it to Ms Atkins.  And the defence solicitor
}        has launched an objection ... looks like they're all going
}        back into chambers again.  It'll take a round of Indian
}        King-of-the-Ring to sort this one out.
} David: So, what's the next step, Tom?
} Tom:   Well, assuming that the prosecution victory in this round is
}        confirmed, the case should move into the assault course stage.
}        This will be particularly interesting, since it is rumoured
}        that falling TV ratings have led the Lord Chancellor to make
}        sweeping changes in the procedure here.  There are stories of
}        rotating knives and tar pits, but nothing can be confirmed
}        at this stage.
} David: Tom Sawyer at the Old Bailey.  And we go over to another
}        part of the Old Bailey now, where the defendant John Smith is
}        giving a news conference.
} [Switch to news conference]
} Reporter: Mr Smith, you've already lost 3 of your legal team to
}        Rachel Atkins, do you think it's time to give up?
} Smith: Well, of course it's never nice to see your lawyer defeated,
}        but it's a trial of 2 halves, and Sir Anthony gave 110
}        percent.  His injury, apparently, is not life-threatening
}        like the others, and he'll soon be back on the team.
}        Remember, the trial's not over until the final judgement.
}        I can reveal, however, that in the next stage, the assault
}        course, I shall be playing my Joker.
} [Switch back to studio]
} David: Political news: and the launched a new offensive at Prime
}        Ministers penalty shoot-out today.  Alan Hansard has the
}        details .......
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of "Barristers of Lincoln's Inn"
} stickers.


1040-03    (jhlj7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Noble Oracle, you are the quoin upon which all knowledge rests!
>
> Which make better pets, gold fish or silver fish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               ______
}              |      |
}  ______      | \\// |
} |      |     | /  \ |      ______
} | \\// |     |(    )|     |      |
} | /  \ |     | \__/ |     | \\// |
} |(    )|     |______|     | /  \ |
} | \__/ |                  |(    )|
} |______|                  | \__/ |
}                           |______|
}            gold
}            fish
}   silver  _______
}    fish  |       |
}   _______|       | bronze
}  |       |       |  fish
}  |       |       |_______
}  |       |       |       |
}  |       |       |       |


1040-04    (7lwh6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most well-read, owner of every text lost in the Alexandria
> Fire, master of all tongues and Sage of the Printed Page;
>
> What will the last book be about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About eight pages, with color-by-numbers pictures of US Government
} military installations and a fold-out fallout umbrella.
}
}       You owe the Oracle an advance copy of My Dan Quayle 2000
} Presidential Election Victory Celebration Great Big Coloring Book, and
} a potatoe.


1040-05    (6kzg6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most adroit and versatile Oracle who knows the middle names of
> all the world's cats;
>
> What happened to the 170kg of weapons-grade uranium that vanished
> from the Dounreay nuclear power plant in Scotland?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If you consider the fact that Viagra is on the market at the same time
} the disappearance occurred, I think the question isn't as difficult as
} it appears. Uranium- it ain't just for missiles anymore ... well,
} ground to air anyway.
} ----------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the oracle a snap, crackle or a pop.


1040-06    (edEc4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to be president of the USA when I grow up. What should I be
> doing to prepare me for my goal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Castration is an excellent first step, in order to prevent certain
} sociopolitical blunders.
}
} You owe the Oracle some salted nuts.


1040-07    (8lrk7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 !         |
>                         \ _ /
>               \\|//   __ /*\ __    ,-------------.
>              //===\\     \*/       | ORACLE!!!!! |
>               |\ /|     / | \      /-------------'
>               | o |       |       /
>     (=)       |/-\|      (=)     /
>      \\       || ||      //
>       \\__/\__|\-/|__/\_//|
>        \------|   |-----/ |
>               |   |       |
>               |   |       |
>               |   |
>              ///|\\\
>               // \\
>              //   \\
>             ||     ||
>             ||     ||
>            <__>   <__>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISA:   How ever did he get like this in the first place?
}
} ZADOC:  He was playing with the new scanner and someone pushed him in.
}
} LISA:   Someone???
}
} ZADOC:  He was like this when I found him.  Honest.
}
} LISA:   And what exactly were you doing with the paper shredder?
}
} ZADOC:  Er.  Um.  Just cleaning it?
}
} LISA:   I see.  <<goes over and whispers something in Orries flat ear>>
}
} ORACLE: <<turns red>>
}
} ZADOC:  Uh oh.
}
} ORACLE: <<starts to expand>>
}
} ZADOC:  <<starts to run>>
}
} ORACLE: <<POP>>  ZOT!!!
}
} ZADOC:  <<Sizzle>>
}
} LISA:   I knew that would help you fill out.
}
} ORACLE: Thanks baby.  You always knew how to help me out when I was
} feeling flat.
}
} You owe the Oracle a transcript of what Lisa whispered.


1040-08    (37rrj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Abundant Mind of The Oracle encompasses all truths and
> errors alike, though he heeds not the latter;
>
> Of all the civilizations you have watched rise and fall which
> one to do remember as being most similar to contemporary USA?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Geez!
} Is this another one of those ridiculous grade-12, Ancient History,
} essay-style, artsy-fartsy, fancy pants questions? Man, aren't they just
} the WORST! Don't sweat it, kid. I know, it sounds like they really
} expect you to go out and research dozens of civilizations, and compose
} a long list of facts that support your choice. But no. There is ONE
} eternal secret to getting through ALL highschool essay questions:
}
} BS!
}
} Yes, BS. And don't look at me like I got jet engines stickin outta
} my ears! You know bloody well that BS can get you high marks every
} time.
}
} Now, let's begin here. I want you to put down that contemporary
} Americans most resemble... oh... say, the ancient Egyptians. Yes,
} that's right, the ancient Egyptians! The fact that this is ridiculous
} is not the point here. If you can make up some reasons to back up your
} statement, you're homefree. I'll get you started:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Ancient Egyptians                         Contemporary USA
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Giant pyramids for which thousands
} of people were enslaved to contruct       Amway
}
} Mummification involving removal of        Country & Western, Heavy
} brain through nose with a hook            Metal, and Rap music
}
} Cryptic, and confusing Hieroglyphics      Tax forms
}
} Plagues of Locusts                        Microsoft
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Take that there baton, and run with it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Stargate


1040-09    (5ahul dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle!  Oh, Oracle who's praises are sung on high by
> anybody who truely knows what's what.  Please, ram your othopozitor
> down my skull and pump my brain full of wisdom.
>
> If the winners write the history books, then how come we're learning
> that the settlers were complete jerks to the Native people and scammed
> them out of everything with a few glass beeds?  Sounds to me that
> the loosers wrote the history books.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Native American people got the best out of the deal.
}
} That discovery of the properties of European glass was the final key
} that let them understand and exploit the ancient technologies left
} behind by their starfaring forebears.
}
} Form that point things progressed fast.  Admittedly, the first
} generation Sioux Orbiter was a rather ramshackle affair, fuelled
} using a mixture of black power and firewater.  Those smoke signals
} were really exhaust trails.
}
} By 1550 they had ion thrusters.  Come the Proclamation of 1763 they
} had mastered Warp technology and each tribe had established their
} own colony worlds.
}
} Little Big-Horn was a pay-to-view service providing real-time feed
} from a Tainhos surveillance satellite.  The infra-red channel showed
} just how hot Custer got under the collar.
}
} Nowadays, most UFO abductions are Cherokee Braves counting high-tech
} Coup.
}
} Earth will finally learn the truth in 2292 when three small and
} battered colonisation ships trying to escape a despoiled planet (The
} "Last" the "Best" and the "Hope") will be intercepted on their way
} to Proxima by the heavy cruiser "Wounded Knee".  The Chieftain in
} Command will receive the three captains, present each with a string
} of commemorative beads and escort them back to the borders of what
} his charts show as the "Earthman Reservation".
}
} You owe the Oracle a trip to the Cherokee Nation's Dyson Sphere,
} where the buffalo roam and passenger pigeon flies free, and where
} the term "paleface" refers to the dutiful little service 'bots that
} clean the latrines.


1040-10    (2fmya dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Without defect or omission is the Oracle's wisdom, The Oracle's
> flawless nature is the awe of the known universe;
>
> The nation of China, is there any doubt that they will run the world by
> the end of the next century?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, seeing as how the USA can't seem to get it's
} political mind out of the gutter and this is a trend that shows no sign
} of changing, it's pretty much a given that it won't be the US who'll be
} running the world in 100 years time.
}
} You might think that perhaps one of the European countries might step
} up to fill it's shoes, but the French already think that they run the
} world; the British have decided in their genteel way that running the
} world is beneath them, and besides they've done it before and it wasn't
} much fun.  The Germans would have a go at it, but no one is prepared to
} let them after what happened last time they tried.  The Italians
} couldn't organise themselves well enough, and the Russians are too
} poor.
}
} The Japanese might look like a promising candidate, but since the Yen
} has started heading in the direction of the Marianas trench, I think
} we can probably discount them.  The Canadians would probably be able
} to do it, but they're much too polite to try.  Australia might be able
} to, but they are going to start having serious problems in the "Dolly
} Uprisings" where genetically engineered sheep go feral, with
} disasterous consequences.
}
} And so on supplicant.  I'm sure that you can eliminate all the other
} candidates yourself.  Which leaves just China and Denmark.
}
} China has over 1 billion people.  Denmark has lutefisk.  Who would you
} back?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Great Lye: the Role of Pickled Fish
} as a Strategic Weapon in the Rise of the Pax Danica" by Sven Svensson,
} PhD thesis at Smorgasbord University, Shanghai.


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