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Internet Oracularities #1041

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Internet Oracularities #1041    (84 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 16 Aug 1998 17:50:27 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1041
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1041  84 votes cgkem flpj4 3ayra 38hwo drrd4 1cste cvnc6 7hul9 afsm9 7hrp8
1041  3.1 mean  3.2   2.7   3.4   3.8   2.6   3.5   2.6   3.1   3.1   3.1


1041-01    (cgkem dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oraclo most froovy and blueberry-flavored,
>
> What has it got in its packets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Token Ring, of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the Sendmaillion.


1041-02    (flpj4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does anybody really know what time it is?
> Does anybody really care?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I may answer your last question first, chronological indifference is
} a widely argued topic that scholars across many different fields of
} discipline still to this day struggle to address. Ever since the
} domestic post-war period of peace leading in to the uneasy cold-war
} paranoia, there emerged and flourished a staunch contingent of people,
} mostly children of surviving World-War libertines, whose psychological
} makeup simply did not meet with the mold of what was considered the
} "norm" at that time. Whether this was a result of the sheltered
} innocence of their upbringing (as compared to the prevailing
} shell-shocked post-war consciousness and the subsequent inequivalency
} of interpersonal communication therewith) or simply a natural tendency
} to shirk the mantle of middle-class complacency indirectly forced upon
} them by their parents, guardians, and figures of authority, is a
} question for psychologists. The undeniable result, however, was a
} sub-culture of people prone to socially dehabilitating, long-lasting
} periods of depression, often accompanied by lachrymation and fits of
} mild hysteria. It became evident to these people during their dolor
} that the subdividing of their periods of lachrymose into measurable
} chronological units was folly (perhaps because in their state of
} dementia such quantifications proved too difficult). Nevertheless,
} these people were in a state of chronological indifference, satisfied
} with the notion "We've got time enough to cry."
}
} By the time the Soviets began to realize their place as a Eurasian
} superpower and to dig their political tendrils into Western
} governments, a larger and more vocal subset of the American culture
} directed their social uneasiness to an entirely different emotional
} extreme: paranoia. Unlike the aforementioned "sad" group, these people
} were typically made up of the American bourgeois and were mostly
} positive, outgoing, and contributing members of society. In fact, one
} might say this crowd exhibited an unhealthy attraction to the "American
} way of life," as it existed in their own family units and as it was
} portrayed on the radio and TV. As Communism reared its head, many of
} this crowd buckled under the pressure of what surely after the Cuban
} Missile Crisis seemed like an inevitable rise to power of World
} Communism, and as a result, an intense fear of the USSR (and especially
} nuclear destruction) set in. This fear and paranoia was every bit as
} socially dehabilitating as the post-war ennui exhibited by the "sad"
} group, and had the curious effect of making its victims chronologically
} indifferent, although this quality often manifested itself in a more
} brusque fashion. A famous example of this was the often-told story of a
} woman who told a stranger "My diamond watch has stopped cold dead!" to
} which the angst-ridden stranger replied "Who cares? We've all got time
} enough to die!"
}
} As the millenium comes to a close, the Western world is now comprised
} of the children and grandchildren of the postwar era. Planes, trains,
} and other scheduled forms of transport are exhibiting exponentially
} increased amounts of chronological imbalance, while we as individuals
} are continuing to make excuses for being late to work, late for dinner,
} late to Johnny's ball practice, etc. at a rate far surpassing the
} development of devices such as cellular phones and microwaves that are
} supposed to act as "time-savers." Truly, the concept of "What time is
} it?" has never been in greater peril than in these modern times.
} Whether this is because of the society-altering sociopsychological
} developments of our predecessors or because of newer, more distracting
} bugaboos such as Travelgate or El Nino, it cannot be denied that the
} footprint of chronological indifference cast by our fathers in the wet
} concrete of the Third World still matches the outline of the feet of
} all of us today.
}
} If I may answer your first question last, it's 3:22 p.m. CST.
}
} You owe the Oracle some blood, sweat, and/or tears.


1041-03    (3ayra dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Prestigious Oracle, you are wise, your smallest idea is an acre across
> and twenty-three feet deep.
>
> What human should I model my life after?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear supplicant,
} There are no perfect humans on earth (although some incarnations get
} pretty close.) I would suggest that you model your life after a
} combination of these famous people, remembering to only take the best
} characteristics:
}
} The humor of Bill Cosby
} The athleticism of Dennis Rodman
} The sex appeal of Fabio
} The intelligence of Albert Einstein
} The business sense of Bill Gates
} The body of Arnold Schwarzenegger
} The voice of Billy Joel
}
} Beware, my humble friend, knowing that this is an imperfect world, you
} may end up as following:
}
} The humor of Dennis Rodman
} The athleticism of Bill Cosby
} The sex appeal of Bill Gates
} The intelligence of Fabio
} The business sense of Billy Joel
} The body of Albert Einstein
} The voice of Arnold Schwarzenegger
}
} You owe the Oracle a DNA-liquidizer.


1041-04    (38hwo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Hmmm...
>
>    I see what's happened, supplicant. That time machine you're working
> on in your spare time has malfunctioned, causing us to swap our
> positions in space and time.
>    There's nothing we can do about it, I'm afraid, except wait for the
> effect to undo itself. Don't touch anything while you're waiting.
>
>    You owe the Oracle a better grovel.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Oracle,
}
} I think you are pretty keen.
}
} Could you please help me out?  I have been working on this time machine
} and last night I switched the flux capicitor and the flange and then
} tried to turn it on.  I thought at first that nothing had happened, but
} when I woke up this morning there was a really cute girl in bed with
} me.  She had a tattoo that said "Lisa & Orrie" in a heart and seemed to
} be expecting someone else to besides me.  I am now hiding in the
} bathroom.
}
} What can I do?


1041-05    (drrd4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   And on the `net users come and go
>   and talk of viruses, like Michelangelo.
>
>   LET us go then, you and I,
>   When the Web is slowed out due to the cry
>   Like a drunk passed out upon a table;
>   Let us go, to certain half-deserted URLs,
>   The muttering retreats
>   Of restless nights, password only adult hells
>   And bad-designed pages that do everything but smell
>   Screens that follow like a tedious argument
>   Of insidious intent
>   To lead you to an overwhelming question...
>   Oh, do not ask, "What is it?"
>   Let us go and make our visit.
>
>   And on the `net users come and go
>   and talk of viruses, like Michelangelo.
>
>   The info-overload fog that rubs its back upon the Windows' bane,
>   The AK-47s' smoke that robs, its muzzle on the Windows' bane
>   Clicked its mouse into the corners of the icon,
>   Lingered upon the spools that strain in pain,
>   Let's fall upon it and hack! The stuff fouls the `web up, by jimmeny!
>   SLIP by the firewall, made a sudden leap,
>   But seeing that it was yet but another endless Sept. night,
>   Curled once about the mouse, and fell deep
>   into despair.
>
>   And on the `net users come and go
>   and talk of viruses, like Michelangelo.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are the hollow answers
} We are the stuffy men
} Learning together
} Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
} Our dry humour, when
} We ZOT together
} Are quiet and meaningless
} As supplicants in chucked wood
} In our drained queues
}
} You owe the Oarcle a penny for the Old Guy


1041-06    (1cste dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise and wonderful oracle, who's dog i am unworthy to wash, but
> will do so anyway just so you don't have to get yer hands dirty...
>
> is it just me, or does it seem like my dog is more in charge of this
> situation than I am?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry it's taken so long to get back to you, but in order to properly
} answer your letter, the Oracle had his minions follow you around for
} a few days, taking notes. Herewith, highlights from their report:
}
} DAY 1:
}
} 5:34 a.m. Subject emerges from home with canine companion, `Sadie,'
} a large tan-and-black German shepherd. Subject is heard to use the
} dog's name interchangably with terms of endearment such as `pookums.'
} Sadie digs in her paws when subject attempts to bring her back into
} the house. Subject and dog walk around the block three more times.
}
} 7:02 a.m. Subject emerges from home alone. Dog looks out window,
} whimpers.  Subject stops. Dog cries louder. Subject enters home.
}
} 7:10 a.m. Phone-tap records show subject calling in sick to work.
}
} 7:15 a.m. Subject and dog emerge from home, head for park.
}
} 4:30 p.m. Subject and dog return home.
}
} DAY 2:
}
} 7:06 a.m. Subject emerges from home. Dog looks out window, whimpers.
} Subject walks to train station.
}
} 7:30 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. Intermittent sounds of destruction from inside
} home.
}
} 6:00 p.m. Subject returns home.
}
} 6:02 p.m. Distinct "Oh no!" heard from within home. Also, "What have
} you done!" Also, "Bad girl!"
}
} 6:03 p.m. Much barking and growling heard from within home.
}
} 6:30 p.m. Subject and dog emerge from home. Sadie digs in her paws
} when subject attempts to bring her back into the house. Subject and
} dog walk around the block twice more. Subject is heard to call dog
} "little snuggler." Subject gives dog a cookie.
}
} DAY 3:
}
} 7:18 a.m. Subject calls in sick to work.
}
} 8:45 a.m. To operative's surprise, subject emerges alone from home,
} gets in car, drives away.
}
} 9:47 a.m. Subject returns home, emerges from car holding a large bone
} wrapped in a pink ribbon. Subject enters home.
}
} DAY 4:
}
} 7:03 a.m. Subject and dog emerge from home, walk to train station.
}
} 7:15 a.m. Subject attempts to take dog onto train, is stopped by
} conductor.
}
} 7:16 a.m. Much arguing between subject and conductor.
}
} 7:17 a.m. Dog bites conductor on leg.
}
} 7:18 a.m. Subject and dog run home.
}
} 7:35 a.m. Subject calls in sick to work.
}
} 9:30 a.m. Subject emerges from home, gets in car, drives away.
}
} 11:13 a.m. - 2:15 p.m. Sounds of destruction from within home
}
} 2:20 p.m. Subject returns bearing several packages.
}
} 2:22 p.m. "Oh no!" heard from within home. Also, "Bad girl!" Also,
} "Bad, bad girl!" Also, "Would snoogums like a cookie?"
}
} DAY 5:
}
} 7:03 a.m. Subject emerges from home with dog in a new, strange
} harness.  Subject is wearing dark sunglasses and is swinging a long,
} red-tipped stick. Subject and dog walk, with some difficulty, towards
} train station.
}
} 7:16 a.m. Subject takes dog on train, meets no resistance from
} conductors.
}
} I can continue, I suppose, but what would be the point? I'm looking
} over the various notes on your misadventures as a fake blind man with
} a willful non-seeing-eye dog, and I can't quite decide whether to
} laugh myself sick or simply slit my immortal wrists out of empathetic
} embarrassment.  (Here's a tip: Blind people rarely let go of their
} seeing-eye dog to buy a hot dog from a sidewalk vendor. And I have
} *never* heard of a seeing-eye dog forgoing her duties in order to
} engage in sexual congress.)
}
} I think it is safe to say, at this point, that YOUR DOG IS IN CONTROL
} OF THE SITUATION.
}
} You the Oracle a cookie.


1041-07    (cvnc6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who knows all illnesses ever seen or not seen in
> humans or otherwise, please answer my question.
>
> Let's see, I'm tired, headachy, bloodshot eyes, and I can't concentrate
> on my work.  Do you know what is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ebola.
}
} Soon you'll start gushing blood from every pore as your inside shred
} and. . . just kidding! Calm down. You're just worrying too much.
}
} I just wanted you see things could be worse. Hey, what do you care if
} you go down in History as the most lecherous and coke-addled President,
} dwell on all the good times you've had. It's been a long strange trip
} from the casinos of Hot Springs to the pantries of The White House. I
} for one will think of you every time I turn to a new month on my "Girls
} of Low-Self Esteem" Calendar.
}
} Besides, you're going to have a grand old time in Pacific Palisades,
} just up the road from Nixon's old home... how ironic! Just funnin' ya.
} Sheesh, you are touchy. Go find an intern an unwind will ya.
}
} You owe the Oracle an F-14.


1041-08    (7hul9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear penpal,
>
> Hi. how are you i am fine?!  How are you summer in your town?  Mine is
> o k and got too go at sumer school, it is icky.  Write to me soon OK!!
>
> - Eryn

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}        Rather than view summer school as "icky," why not consider it as
} opportunity for amusement?  You could always try one of the following:
}
} Sneak into the classroom early and turn off the air conditioner.  Then
} write on the board, "Due to school board restrictions on power use, a/c
} will not be available today.  Students and teachers are requested to
} remove everything except underwear to guard against heatstroke. The
} Principal." Then show back up right before class starts to see how many
} people believed it.
}
} Walk backwards everywhere you go one day.  If anyone asks, tell them
} you're observing a special holiday of your religion.
}
} To any test questions you don't know the answer to, write, "On the
} advice of attorney I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might
} incriminate me."
}
} Dummy up a photo of one of your teachers in computer class to make it
} look like a mug shot, then print twenty copies and post them in
} strategic spots around the school.
}
} Affix caps (of the capgun type) to the letters on the typewriters in
} the typing classes as a special observance of Independence Day, if
} you're in the US.
}
} Be sickeningly sweet to your least favorite teacher one day (candy,
} flowers, everything).  See how paranoid they get trying to figure out
} what you're really up to.
}
} After you take the first bite of "food" in the cafeteria, clutch your
} stomach and double over moaning in pain.  Hold your throat in one hand,
} and make weak pointing motions at your tray with the other.
}
} With any of the above, if you get caught just hold up your stick of
} Mentos and everyone will smile and understand, while the Mentos theme
} song starts playing in the background.
}
} Just follow any of these simple suggestions, and you will be well on
} your way to having much more fun of this type next summer. You owe the
} Oracle your principal's toupee and a copy of the answers to next week's
} English quiz.
}
} fidelis ero... fortasse in hac ultime inveniem fas


1041-09    (afsm9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most error free, user friendly and foolproof!
>
> Can you please give me a review of James Cameron's newest trilogy:
> "Zadoc I, Zotting day!", "Zadoc II, Revenge of the wurm!" and "Zadoc
> III, Fall of the Oracle!"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No you idiot, it's not James Cameron who is writing the triology, it's
} James *Clavell*.
}
} The plot goes basically like this:
}
} Zadoc disembarks from a boat in a foreign port. Very foreign. Read the
} newspapers and find the current troublespot, and that's it.
}
} Within five minutes he has a greater understanding of the local culture
} and a greater rapport with the locals than embassy staff who have lived
} there for twenty years.
}
} Within ten minutes he can pass as one of the natives undetected.
}
} Within fifteen minutes, a ravishing local girl with an unpronouncable
} name has fallen deeply in love with him, even though to do so risks
} death.
}
} Within sixteen minutes he has had sex with her.
}
} Within seventeen minutes, she is dead.
}
} Within nineteen minutes he has had sex with her again.
}
} Within twenty-one minutes he has realised that she is dead.
}
} Within twenty-three minutes he has formed a firm friendship with
} another foreigner from some perfectly normal other country (say,
} Switzerland) who displays all sorts of cultural quirks, traditions and
} hidden weapons that no-one from that country has ever heard of.
}
} Within twenty-five minutes, his friend is dead.
}
} Within twenty-eight minutes, there has been a revolution, and he is now
} the only foreigner in the land.
}
} Within thirty-one minutes, the new government asks him for extensive
} help in running everything from the justice system to the sewage works,
} even though their xenophobia means that they have thrown every other
} foreigner out of the country.
}
} Within thirty-five minutes, the country is a first-world country.
}
} Within thirty-eight minutes, another ravishing young girl with an even
} more unpronouncable name has fallen deeply in love with him even though
} (yadda yadda) to do so means that she risks death.
}
} Within thirty-nine minutes she is dead.
}
} Within forty-one minutes he has realised that if things are going to
} happen like this, he'd better make his moves faster in future.
}
} Within forty-five minutes a religious official has taken a liking to
} him and breaks him out of prison, even though he is in there for
} swearing to kill the country's religious leader.
}
} Within forty-eight minutes, he has stolen a tank and run it over the
} tent where the religious leader is resting.
}
} Within fifty-one minutes, the entire population of the country is
} en mass attacking his tank which is in the main square of the capital
} city.
}
} Within fifty-three minutes he has shaken off his attackers and
} is making for the border.
}
} Within fifty-five minutes he has reached the border.
}
} Within fifty-six minutes he is having tea with the border guard and
} discussing philosophy and art, even though the entire population of the
} previous country is about three yards behind him.
}
} Exactly fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine point nine nine seconds after
} arriving in the country, he passes across the border an into safety.
}
} Within sixty-five minutes he has a greater cultural understanding of
} the new country's culture and a greater rapport with the locals than
} embassy staff who have lived there for twenty years, and book II
} begins.
}
} You owe The Oracle a Linguaphone 'Learning the Pronounciation of
} Ravishing Foreign Women's Names Before They Die' cassette tape and
} computer software kit.


1041-10    (7hrp8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the posibility of me tracking, locating and
> killing Harlan Limajliew?
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I sucked in the last drag of my cheap cigarette and tried to focus my
} bloodshot eyes on the message that crawled up my screen like a hungry
} cockroach.
}
} "Damn, it's happened again," I said to no one.  The sig was as familiar
} as the trigger of my trusty Smith & Wesson:
}
} > Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
}
} I glanced wearily at the slogan on my own faded business card:
}
} > Get Your Free Private Eye Mail at http://www.zotmail.com
}
} Another day in the city, another Hotmail slacker.  My revenues from my
} own Internet service were down, way down, like a lump of scum down a
} sewer.  And yet these chumps kept managing to send stuff to me.
}
} I was about to flick the message away like an ugly puppy, when I saw
} the rest of it.  It stopped me as cold as a metermaid's shoulder.
}
} > what is the posibility of me tracking, locating and
} > killing Harlan Limajliew?
}
} I stared at the words for a long time.  And then I realized this could
} be it.  I realized that this could finally be the case I had been
} waiting for. I realized that it had all the elements:  A search.  A
} pursuit.  A violent death.  And a mysterious stranger.  I realized that
} I was interested.
}
} And then Lisa walked up behind me, her heels clicking like the
} insistent staccato of some ancient rhythm, and she began idly massaging
} my back. "Another loser without a grovel, Orrie?" she said.
}
} And then I realized I had better things to do.
}
} ****** !!! ZZZZZZOT !!! ******
}
} Sorry, kid, that's why I call it Zotmail.
}
} You owe the Oracle a search, a pursuit, and a mysterious stranger.


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