[IO]
Internet Oracle
17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 17:28:20 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1042

Goto:
1042, 1042-01, 1042-02, 1042-03, 1042-04, 1042-05, 1042-06, 1042-07, 1042-08, 1042-09, 1042-10


Internet Oracularities #1042    (81 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1998 07:46:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1042
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1042  81 votes ciri6 37vtb ajrn2 8jwg6 avt83 9wr94 djve4 6fqp9 5gtkb imo98
1042  2.9 mean  2.9   3.5   2.9   2.9   2.5   2.6   2.7   3.2   3.2   2.6


1042-01    (ciri6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello? Erm, I think you're at the wrong address. There's no fancy
> dress party here.
>
> [Then what happened?]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I knew this would happen as soon as they released 'Fear and Loathing
} in Las Vegas'; but did they ask me? No. Look, Hunter S. Thompson is
} a _professional_; unless you've had the proper training, you should
} not try to mix LSD, amyl nitrate and ether. And then washing it
} down with a fifth of that cheap gin--well, it's no wonder you can't
} remember anything. Well, all right, I'll tell you what happened.
} What's the last thing you recall?
}
} > Hello? Erm, I think you're at the wrong address. There's no fancy
} > dress party here.
}
} Well, you then proceeded to protest loudly that there was indeed
} a fancy dress party, since you wouldn't very well be standing out
} there in a panda outfit if there wasn't a fancy dress party, would
} you? After ten minutes of this, you slipped the maitr'd a great
} deal of the money you got from the sale of the little bottle with
} the word 'laxative' crossed out and the word 'heroin' scribbled
} in, and he seated you at a quiet little table in the back with a
} blond prostitute.
}
} This kept you happy for quite a while, and as you were tipping
} generously, the waiters were perfectly willing to keep delivering
} plate after plate of steamed mussels (fourteen in all, by my count)
} Then, you reached the realization that the prostitute's left breast
} implant was actually a transmitter, broadcasting information on
} your whereabouts to her masters in Singapore. Escaping to the
} restroom, you managed (with the aid of two more amyl nitrate poppers)
} to escape out the window
}
} The next hour and the small bottle of Jack Daniels were spent in
} wandering the streets, looking for a suitable taxi stand; the first
} three you passed by, concerned that all the drivers were homosexuals.
} At the fourth, you found an acceptable cab and convinced the driver
} (who by the way, despite your complaints, spoke flawless Polish.
} You were speaking Russian.) that it was critically important you
} find a pack of Dunhills, the brightly colored kind. In the cab,
} you decided that you were losing the 'edge' and took two more tabs
} of the orange sunshine, plus the remaining poppers.
}
} The cabby helped you get your cigarettes and the seven bags of 'Cool
} Ranch' flavored Doritos up to your suite, where you occupied the next
} hour and a quarter lighting one, then swinging it around in the dark
} to watch the trails. During this time, you discovered the room's wet
} bar and television remote control. You found reruns of 'Gilligan's
} Island' to be much more intense when watched with an ether-soaked
} pillowcase wrapped around your head, and narrowly escaped setting the
} entire hotel on fire when you tried to light the last cigarette while
} re-soaking the pillowcase; fortunately, you had used up all the matches
} and room service would not send up any more after you accused her of
} being Socialist (she was, but the way you said it made it sound dirty).
}
} At about a quarter past six, you discovered you still had half a
} bottle of diet pills left and went out to watch the sunrise; the sun
} having been up for most of an hour did not deter you. You found a
} pleasant tree to sit in to watch, cheering loudly at the good parts.
} You got out of the tree, found an all-night store that would sell
} you two packs of Camels and a box of Trojans, walked back to your
} hotel and straight into the ladies' room off the first-floor lobby;
} locked and barricaded the door behind you (fortunately, no one else
} was in the ladies' room at the time), vomited profusely (missing the
} toilet by only the narrowest of margins), and passed out for about
} three-quarters of an hour.
}
} That about brings you up to the present time. The Oracle suggests
} locating your pants before opening the door, and that your American
} Express card is not yet maxed out; you may still bluff your way
} through checkout.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Neutrogena soap and a bushel of
} grapefruit.


1042-02    (37vtb dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle, who could use the Emerald City for a toothpick, we
> all know what gifts the Wizard of Oz gave.  But what would you and
> other famous and powerful personalities have given to the Scarecrow,
> the Tin Man, the Lion, and Dorothy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm glad you asked that, Supplicant.  Here is a rundown of the gifts
} that might have been given to those plucky adventurers:
}
} Sigmund Freud (yup, he's on the list) would have given the Scarecrow a
} Rorschach test and told him that his feelings of insecurity about his
} brain are an extension of his feelings for his penis.  He would have
} given the Tin Man a lecture on the dangers of intellectualization over
} emotionalization and pointed out the axe as a phallic symbol.  He would
} have told the Cowardly Lion that his fear was seated in his repressed
} desire for his mother, and he would have told Dorothy that her escapist
} tendencies were rooted in her subconscious desire for a penis (i.e.
} penis envy) and that she should be content with her life.
}
} Buddha would have given them all a cup of excellent tea and some rice
} cakes, then suggest they meditate on the nature of desire.
}
} Jehovah would have given the Scarecrow the Wisdom of Solomon, the Tin
} Man the Blessings of Job, the Cowardly Lion the Cloak of Elijah and
} Dorothy a ride on a chariot of fire.
}
} Zeus/Jupiter would have given the Scarecrow the robe of Socrates, the
} Tin Man a Golden Apple, the Cowardly Lion a crown of fig leaves and
} Dorothy a visit to his private chambers on Mount Olympus.  Hera would
} have then cursed Dorothy, and tried to kill her before the next godling
} bastard of Zeus could be born, but fail as usual.  Dorothy would
} instead be driven mad and Zeus would be left to do something with the
} baby girl, who would end up given to a nice Greek couple on a farm near
} Athens. Dorothy would roam the earth spouting nonsense and occasionally
} be mistaken for a follower of Dionysus or the current Incarnation of
} the Oracle of Delphi.
}
} Freya would have fed the Scarecrow to her horses, tricked the Tin Man
} into killing her husband (again), seduced the Cowardly Lion and given
} Dorothy a home and hearth to tend in her name.  Freya's not really a
} nice lady, but we love her just the same.
}
} Bill Clinton would have promised the Scarecrow an increase in the
} budget for national education, promised the Tin Man increased medical
} benefits, offered the Cowardly Lion enlistment in the National Guard
} where he won't have to fight, and an indecent proposal to Dorothy
} resulting in a messy and extended sexual harrassment lawsuit.
}
} The Genie from Disney's Alladin would have given the Scarecrow a
} supercomputer for a brain, a handkerchief to the Tin Man ("I can't make
} anybody fall in love with anybody else"), a Sherman tank to the
} Cowardly Lion ("let's see them challenge you in THIS!") and a ride on a
} flying carpet to Dorothy.
}
} Myself, I would have ZOT!ed the lot of 'em for not groveling enough.
}
} You owe the Oracle a horse of a different color.


1042-03    (ajrn2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a hot, dusty day in Dodge City as the Internet Oracle stepped
} out of the Sheriff's Office polishing his shiny badge.  He was forced
} to squint against the bright sun as he checked his pocketwatch.  Almost
} noon; Lisa would have his favorite lunch ready and waiting for him at
} home.  It should be safe to leave things with Deputies Zadoc and Og.
} He stepped down from the porch and strolled down the street toward his
} small but well-appointed home on the edge of town.
}
} As he passed Old Mary McGuckin and tipped his hat to her, he noticed a
} dark cloud pass overhead.  A cold tingle ran up his spine, and he
} recognized the tell-tale jingle of spurs as yet another belligerent
} Supplicant decided to draw him out.  He spun around to face his
} challenger.
}
} This Supplicant was tall and lean, looking like a hundred sandstorms
} had weathered away his face into a raw, craggy mass of hard edges and
} shining eyes.  He didn't say a word, but immediately slapped leather to
} start a vicious flame.
}
} Time slowed down as the Oracle went for his Wand of Zot.  A tumbleweed
} bounded between them in slow motion and the good townsfolk of Dodge
} scattered left and right to get out of the way.  Second-hand burns from
} flaming could keep them off their feet for days.  There was a moment of
} suspense and doubt, and the Supplicant opened his mouth to speak.
}
} ZOT!!!!!!!!
}
} The shot rang out through the dry, dusty air, and the Supplicant
} disintegrated into dust without a single word spoken.  The Oracle blew
} off the steam from his mighty Wand and holstered it with a flourish.
} The townspeople crowded 'round him to cheer him and wonder aloud at the
} audacity of the unknown Supplicant.
}
} "Who was that stupid luser?" was the most common refrain.
}
} "You'll never know," said the Oracle as he set off again for a good
} solid meal from Lisa and possibly a little nookie on the side.
} Zottings always made him...anxious.  "But he just learned the Law of
} the Oracle."
}
} You owe the Oracle any Western by Louie L'Amour.  They're all the same,
} anyway.


1042-04    (8jwg6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and sober Oracle, who would never go to A.A. and fall down all
> twelve steps, I've been forced to admit I have a drinking problem
> because I
>
>       *       Spend a great deal of time thinking about when I can have
>               my next drink
>       *       Give drinking priority over things that should get
>               priority, like work and relationships
>       *       Never seem to get some things done because I'm drinking
>       *       Get very upset when I can't drink on an occasion when I
>               was expecting to be able to
>
> So I was told I should go to A.A., and I went to A.A., and find a bunch
> of people who
>
>       *       Spend a great deal of time thinking about when they can
>               get to their next A.A. meeting
>       *       Give A.A. meetings priority over things that should get
>               priority, like work and relationships
>       *       Never seem to get some things done because they're always
>               running off to A.A. meetings
>       *       Get very upset when they can't go to an A.A. meeting on
>               an occasion when they were expecting to be able to
>
> So do you see why I don't think much of A.A.?  Do you think much
> of A.A.?  Can you suggest an alternative?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another _choice_ would be to replace both alternatives with a third
} possibility: rhodism.  In rec.humor.oracle.d, you get the following
} benefits:
}
} * Spend *all* your time thinking about what to post to r.h.o.d.
}   When all the articles have been read, start over just in case
}   you might have missed something the last time.
} * Give r.h.o.d postings priority over things that should get
}   priority, like ...  umm, now what was I trying to think of?
} * Never seem to get *any*thing done because you're always posting
}   to r.h.o.d and answering askmes; pre-writing answers and
}   stockpiling them in the hopes of being asked the right one.
} * Get very upset when you can't post to r.h.o.d on an occasion
}   when you were expecting to be able to because your newsfeed is
}   down, slow or missing posts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cure for his own addiction.


1042-05    (avt83 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most spectacular, oracular, vernacular, and
> large, I return once again with problems beyond my
> comprehension.
>
> Where did my life go, and where can I get another one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You need to find -your- life. Oh sure, you can get another life, but it
} would be one that left someone else and you'd have be pretty sick to
} want a life that left its flesh-puppet. Like yo... ANYWAY.
}
} Go find your life. The sooner the better before it wanders too far or
} falls in with some unsavory elements. First go check your old haunts,
} then widen your search to include local dance-halls and video-arcades.
} You'd be wise to check the local bus-depot and you might want to
} consider putting up flyers.
}
} The sad truth though is that if it doesn't return on its own fairly
} soon, tired and hungry, then it might be gone for good. At best it may
} have found a menial existence somewhere, at worse it could have been
} taken in by shady characters that will force it to do crude things to
} amuse jaded old men with bad-backs and big bank-rolls.
}
} Good Luck Supplicant.
}
} You owe the Oracle some lower lumbar support.


1042-06    (9wr94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> What's the difference between a teddy, being bare, a bear and a teddy
> bear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bear with me, but I barely know where to start.  You can bear
} witness to this explanation and then you can go off loaded for
} bear.  Theodore Roosevelt was a favorite subject for cartoonists
} with his bushy eyebrows, prominent teeth and glasses.  One of
} them drew him with a bear cub, and soon toymakers capitalized on
} the association to create "Teddy" bears.  Bear in mind that there
} is no association between Teddy and the bare bones garment called
} a "teddy" undoubtably worn by the Spice Girls when they perform
} nearly bare in that number that starts:
}
} Slam it to the left if you're not walking barefoot
} Bear to the right if you're having a hugging a big root
} Barehand it to the front, bear dow-ow-own...
}
} I really hate to be a bear about this, but I'm stopping now.
} It's even more than I can bear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise not to bear arms against him.


1042-07    (djve4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, wonderful Oracle, whose sage and hopeless brilliant advice I seek
> nearest to the full moon, please answer me this one question:
>
> I'm tired of fighting it all the time.  We run around like little rats
> in a maze, all of the best girls are married, the cost of living is
> high, nobody cares anymore, Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman is off the air
> and now they say that the Spice Girls are still going strong.  What's
> the point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Do not despair, supplicant.  While all these things are true, there are
} still many things in which you might find joy.  And here are the top
} ten.
}
}           THE TOP TEN REASONS TO GO ON LIVING:
}           ------------------------------------
}
} 10)  Top ten lists aren't as cool as they used to be.
}  9)  Everyone seems to be getting tired of them and the smug jokes that
}      infest them.
}  8)  Someday soon, if anyone even starts reading a top ten list, they
}      will be immediately pelted with rocks.
}  7)  It will be discovered that David Letterman has completely morphed
}      from a fun-loving, authority-tweaking comedian into a crabby jerk;
}      he will be burned in effigy across the nation, and finally, fearing
}      for his life, he will flee to Iceland.
}  6)  This will signal an end to the "Age of Sarcasm"; people will begin
}      expressing how they honestly feel about things; fans of disco music
}      will no longer have to couch their love for Sister Sledge by
}      claiming that they only listen to it for kitsch value.
}  5)  A new golden age will dawn, and love will fill the hearts of every
}      man, woman, and child.
}  4)  Meanwhile, David Letterman will be discovered in the cellar he was
}      hiding in and executed, which admittedly isn't very nice, but it
}      can't *all* very well be sweetness and light, can it?
}  3)  As birds sing and music plays, the concept of smarmy "top ten
}      lists" will become so much a thing of the past that people can
}      barely remember what life was like when they were around -- much
}      like the way people nowadays think of the days before television.
}
} And the number two reason to go on living:
}
}  2)  You don't even have to finish reading *this* damn top ten list.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete set of episodes of "The Ben Stiller Show"
} -- the heck with "Dr. Quinn", cancelling that show was a crime!


1042-08    (6fqp9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most erudite, whose musical taste is impeccable, who
> created the Spice Girls as a practical joke, please answer a question
> from a supplicant whose taste is to good taste as New Kids On The
> Block are to (early) U2:
>
>       Who will win the Grammy for Best Album in 2009?  Are there any
> other notable events from that year's ceremonies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, supplicant, in the early years of next century, there will
} be an underground musical movement which centres around a fusion
} of bagpipes and polka which will arise in the Pacific Northwest.
} The consensus amongst musical theorists will be that this unlikely
} combination is a direct result of an overabundance of bad taste being
} generated by a certain large software company located in the same
} area and overflowing into society at large.
}
} This so called "McPolka" will come into mainstream prominence in
} 2007 when the group "Bratwurst Sporran", led by the charismatic Hans
} McDougal, has a surprise hit with a version of "Stairway to Heaven"
} done in this new style but bridging the gap to traditional rock.
}
} This soon snowballs into a phenomenon as record companies pick up
} on the trend and the copycats and wannabees start producing their
} own albums. However the big break for the genre comes when the
} Rolling Stones declare McPolka to be the next big thing and jump on
} the bandwagon.
}
} Controversy rages around Hans McDougal briefly when it is alleged
} that he doesn't wear anything under his kilt, but this only leads
} to bigger crowds as fanatical screaming teenage girls desperately
} try to get a glimpse of their latest heart-throb's undergarments.
} Several conservative southern counties decry McPolka as (variously)
} lewd, lascivious, the work of the devil, and "icky"; and promptly
} outlaw it.  This leads to further popularity amongst rebellious
} teenagers, and in 2008, a series of lobudget movies whose plots revolve
} around a teenager, disowned by his parents because they can't stand
} him practicing with his bagpipes, who after some number of adventures
} and run-ins with the law is discovered by a record company agent,
} is catapulted into fame, and gets the girl.
}
} It is to this background that Bratwurst Sporran's third album,
} "I'm Talkin' Tae Yoo, Jimmie", is released to huge critical acclaim.
} Incorporating elements of central Asian nasal singing, the album is a
} shoe-in for the Grammy.  The ceremony itself is largely uneventful,
} except for an incident where McDougal tries unsuccessfully to smash
} his bagpipes on an amplifier at the end of their set and instead
} accidentally impales a security guard.
}
} Bratwurst Sporran's heady success does not last long however, as
} McDougal contracts a rare fungal lung infection from an improperly
} cleaned bagpipe, and dies, a wasted shadow of his former self, early
} in 2011.  Shortly after this the world recovers its collective senses
} until the next bandwagon rolls along.
}
} You owe the Oracle a soundproof room.


1042-09    (5gtkb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou who can win a triathelon in less time than it
> takes Carl Lewis to win the 100 metres....
>
> Oracle, I've just heard that some two million year old footprints were
> found in South Africa, quite near a previously discovered set of one
> million year old footprints. Oracle, who was it that was walking *that*
> slowly so long ago, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Think about this for a minute, supplicant:  There are footprints
} from two million years ago, and from one million years ago.  Notice a
} patten? Two million....  one million...  zero million...  Any day now
} a new set will appear.  I won't say what it is; it's making laps of
} the earth, and is currently deep in a nearby ocean.  But as a hint:
} Has anyone actually SEEN Dick Clark lately?  Hmm?


1042-10    (imo98 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Candy-gram.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CHOCOLATE BAR STOP


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org