[IO]
Internet Oracle
20 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:47:00 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1044

Goto:
1044, 1044-01, 1044-02, 1044-03, 1044-04, 1044-05, 1044-06, 1044-07, 1044-08, 1044-09, 1044-10


Internet Oracularities #1044    (80 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 24 Aug 1998 08:52:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1044
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1044  80 votes 38Co7 3gktc biye3 5bzk9 3kwh8 6eul9 2fmtc 3gxj9 hkr97 arkg7
1044  3.1 mean  3.3   3.4   2.8   3.2   3.1   3.2   3.4   3.2   2.6   2.8


1044-01    (38Co7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Venerated Oracle, may your words live as long as you do, Immortal One;
>
> What is a "good premise"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One which does what you want it to.  It's much like a good dog.
} The dog will sit, shake hands, fetch a stick, beg, roll over and play
} dead according to your wishes.  A good premise, in the same manner,
} can make other people believe patently absurd statements.
}
} Note that the goodness of a premise has nothing whatever to do with
} its truth or falsehood.  Allow me to demonstrate.
}
} Every argument has one or more premises.  For instance, in the
} statement:
}
}      "If pigs had wings, they could fly."
}
} The premise is "pigs have wings."
}
} This is an example of a bad premise.  While the argument is logically
} valid, nobody will believe for a second that pigs can fly.  The premise
} just doesn't cut the mustard.  But now let's look at another argument:
}
}      "If the Republicans would just quit browbeating President Clinton
}      and let him get on with his life, he'd stop his philandering."
}
} Here's an example of a good premise.  If you analyze this statement,
} you'll find that it is exactly equivalent to the "pigs have wings"
} argument.  But the beauty of it is there are people who will actually
} believe the argument's false conclusion despite everything - in fact,
} recent polls indicate that over 60% of the American public will.
} This is the power of a good premise.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good dinner.


1044-02    (3gktc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > look
>
> You are in a maze of twisted little questions, all alike.
>
> >

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > examine self
}
} You are a very twisted character, you feel confident that you can
} answer them.
}
} > queue drain
}
} You have drained 22 well-written questions, all different.
}
} > set $answer = "ZOT"
}
} You have set a shell variable to the value of "ZOT".
}
} > for (a=0;a<22;a++) mail $question(a) < $answer
}
} You are in a maze of passages being pursued by a number of Oracle
} Priests.
}
} > feign innocence
}
} You are in a maze of passages being pursued by a number of Oracle
} Priests who are not fools.
}
} > apologise.
}
} You are in a maze of passages with a number of bruises and abrasions.
}
} > ask if i can become a priest.
}
} You are stuck head down in a garbage bin outside the maze.
}
} > quit game.
}
} You have quit rec.humor.oracle.
}
} > open ancient joke book.
}
} You have opened a joke book from 1929.
}
} > submit joke to rec.humor.funny
}
} You owe The Oracle a mother-in-law joke and a +5 wand of hide
} unoriginality.


1044-03    (biye3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here.
>
> Og hunt for many moon, find sabre-tooth tiger. Hit tiger on head with
> spiky club until eyes go black. Hit tiger more. Hit tiger little bit
> more, feel better now.
>
> Og drag remains of tiger to throne of mighty Or-a-kul, lie with face
> in dirt. Og cower before Or-a-kul, offer much chocolate and mastodon
> meat. Og think, grovel good.
>
> Og say, many long time ago Og have an-ces-tor who discover first
> rock. Rock be copyrighted by him. Claim com-mis-sion for each
> rock used. Gain much mo-ney, many women.
>
> Two day ago, Og see road. Road paved with gra-vel. Big road. Many,
> many, rock. Many, many mo-ney?
>
> Og ask, who Og bo-ther for roy-al-ties?
>
> Og done.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi Og, 'O-ra-kul' here. I have some good news and some bad news.
}
} > Og big strong hun-ter. Og can take much bad new. Og ask bad new first.
}
} The bad news is, after examining the patent of your ancestor, Ogge, it
} appears that the only use he suggested for rocks was smashing open the
} skulls of his enemies, and inserting rocks in the cavity formed.  Sorry
} Og, but Ogge's patent says nothing about roads, rock gardens, skipping
} flat rocks on the surface of lakes, or photos of Mars. Nothing at all.
} Your chances of collecting royalties for all the gravel roads in the
} world is none, nilch, zilch, zero.
}
} > Og much sad, Og think Og get much mo-ney. Og say 'hey!'. Og ask, Ogge
} > not have good pa-tent, how Ogge get mo-ney e-ver-y time rock use, no
} > mat-ter how use?
}
} Looking through the patents filed, I've discovered that Ogge also filed
} patents on "bait and switch", "palming rocks to the bottom of the deck",
} "skimming profits", "inventing non-existent dependents to claim a bigger
} proportion of the kill", and a host of other shady practices. It does
} seem that, even for a barrel-chested Homo Neanderthalis, Ogge was a bit
} of a 'wide boy'. Did any of the people (or proto-people) who paid the
} royalities ask to see the wording of the patent?
}
} > Og say, no. Og time, write not in-vent yet.
}
} See. How about the good news then?
}
} > Og say yes. Og hope O-ra-kul tell good new.
}
} Fortunately Ogge *does* have the patent on "Rocks in the Head".
} My research has now turned up a huge list of people blatantly in
} breach of Ogge's patent because they all, undeniably, have "rocks in
} their heads".  Here's a list of people to start bothering for royalties
} immediately (fortunately many of them are also exceedingly rich).
}
} 1. Bill Clinton
} 2. Michael Jackson
} 3. The Spice Girls
} 4. The Japanese Finance Minister
} 5. Bill Gates
} 6. Oprah Winfry
} 7. That guy who turned down The Beatles because 'Guitar groups are on
}    the way out'.
} 8. Charles Windsor and in fact the entire British upper class.
} 9. .....
}
} [Continue with a list of the usual suspects]
}
} You owe The Oracle the full rights for the patent to "bait and switch".
} My answers frequently make use of that one.


1044-04    (5bzk9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> h, grt nd ws rcl, wh knws vrthng, ncldng hw t dnc wtht mkng fl f hmslf,
>
> t wld ppr tht 'v lst ll m vwls. Cn hlp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} N . 'v th sm prblm.
}
} "Zdc!"
} "Yyees, Maasteer?"
} "Zdc, hv sn m vwls?"
} "Noo, Ooh eenliighteeneed aand moost wiisee oonee."
} "r ll rght, Zdc? 'r tlkng... strgl, td."
} "Noo, noot aat aall - whaateeveer maadee yoouu thiink thaat?"
} "Wll, 'r sng t mn vwls... Zdc!  thvng bstrd! GV M M VWLS BCK!"
}
} ...ZT!...
}
} Ahem. Right, then, Supplicant - I've got mine back. Can't help you,
} though, you'll have to go and find someone else with a rather odd
} accent and beat them to a pulp. [Note: don't tell the police that the
} Oracle told you to do it. You'll get laughed at, and charged with GBH.]
} Oh, and I was always taught that Y isn't a vowel, as such. So, you can
} use that one. [try: "Y dn't ndrstnd, Yr Hnr!  ws ftr hs vwls!" to see
} what the judge at your trial says...]
}
} You owe the Oracle: aa spaaree seet oof vooweels, juust iin caasee.


1044-05    (3kwh8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the Oracle, the effectiveness and value of whom can not be
> questioned nor assailed;
>
> Whenever I look in the mirror I can't help but think that there are
> other women out there prettier than I. It angers me!  I want to kill
> them! I DO! How can I constructively deal with this rage?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now, Mr. Jackson.  I know things didn't work out between you
} and Lisa Marie, but there's no point in taking it out on others.
} Take deep, cleansing breaths.  Make another album.  Sign a contract
} with Disney.  Remember, success is the best revenge.
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of your plastic surgeon.  I could use a
} tummy tuck.


1044-06    (6eul9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is The USS Enterprise always encountering more dimensions and
> temporal anomalys?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I guess the show -could- go like this;
}
} Kirk: Spock! Report!
}
} Spock: Everything is in order sir.
}
} Kirk: Everything?
}
} Spock: Yes.
}
} Kirk: Engineering!
}
} Scotty: Aye?
}
} Kirk: Are the engines about to blow up?
}
} Scotty: No,no,no Sir. Everything is fine.
}
} Kirk: Kirk out. Sick Bay!
}
} Bones: Yes Jim?
}
} Kirk: Any alien life-forms inhabiting anyone down there?
}
} Bones: No. I'm eating my lunch.
}
} Kirk: Carry on!
}
} You owe the Oracle a hammock.


1044-07    (2fmtc dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> How does a "false alarm" differ from a "truth alarm" ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pre-twentieth century, the distinction was quite simple. "False alarms"
} were alarms that went off when there was no cause for alarm, and "truth
} alarms" were alarms that went off when there was cause for alarm.
} This was clear and cut and dried, so everyone was happy, excepting
} those who were standing directly underneath the alarms when they
} went off.
}
} Things became more complicated when Bohr, Pauli, and Dirac advanced
} the theory of quantum clockwork, in which any given alarm could
} be both a truth alarm and a false alarm at the same time, and
} that you could force it into a fixed state (which state being
} decided probabilistically) only at the expense of not being able to
} determine its position in space. This forms the basis of the Heisenberg
} Irritation Principle: "You can either know why the alarm is going off,
} or how to turn it off, but not both at once."
}
} Luckily, a new theory (called the Student Principle) is rapidly gaining
} acceptance. In this new model, the distinction between "truth" and
} "false" alarms are removed, and all alarms are now the same, to wit,
} an impediment to sleep, and should be hit repeatedly with a hammer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a proof of Goedel's Inconvenience Theorem.


1044-08    (3gxj9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most all-knowing entity wot doth knoweth whateth meanseth to knoweth
> alleth thereth iseth to knoweth.  What the hell just happened?!?!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't be alarmed, it can take hours for people returning from a
} Renaissance Faire to beginning speaking normally again.
}
} Try not to shout 'Huzzah' at work tomorrow, it'll freak out the boss.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pint of bitter.


1044-09    (hkr97 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much longer will this go on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At least until you learn to grovel.


1044-10    (arkg7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the final test before being raised to an Aes Sedai?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The final steps are as follows...
}
}    -Become a level 20 or greater
}    -Travel to Salidar and confront the gatekeeper
}    -Roll a 34 or greater in 4 attacks without losing hitpoints
}    -Change your name to Asmodious
}    -Quit your job
}    -Live on pretzels and chip-dip, alone in a dark, damp basement
}     with nothing but a big pile of RP books and your favorite
}     bucket of tarot cards, becoming so engrossed in this game that it
}     becomes your universe and reason for being, only to eventually
}     forget how to eat and drink, then die starving and wretched
}     with nothing left to show for your life but a score card which
}     claims that you are a 14th rank Wizard-Dwarf from the enchanted
}     villiage of Balthrek
}
} You owe the Oracle one divine spell of sarcastic enlightenment


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org