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Internet Oracularities #1045

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Internet Oracularities #1045    (90 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 26 Aug 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1045
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1045  90 votes 5bCt7 18qyl 5oxgc usga6 7iBl7 dplhe durg4 7lCj5 5ixmc cemph
1045  3.0 mean  3.2   3.7   3.1   2.3   3.0   2.9   2.6   2.9   3.2   3.2


1045-01    (5bCt7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh perfect source of knowledge, how can I get that dumb secretary I sit
> next to at work to stop babbling on about her boring family and their
> embarrassing diseases?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Compassion young supplicant, you need to develop compassion.
}
} Listening to her woes costs you little and can help her much, besides
} after she has bent your ear for an hour it is only fair that you get to
} return in kind. Tell her how sadden you were to find out your brother's
} AIDS medicine never got a chance to work because he got hepatitis C
} from one of your mom's needles and your doctor won't let you visit him
} anymore because it looks like you contracted TB while you were in the
} Congo on that Monkey Eating Tour that you and your Neo-Vampire pals
} organized.
}
} She'll ask to be moved to another cubicle before the day is out, trust
} me.
}
} You owe the Oracle stock in a latex-glove company.


1045-02    (18qyl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pal of Neptune, "uncle" of numerous mermaids, Wise Oracle, answer
> this for me please;
>
> Will DNA research ever develop gill-breathing humans that can live
> in the sea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aw, geez. Another "tell me the future" question. You know, channeling
} the future always gives me nosebleeds. It's not easy, you know...so
} much stuff is going on all the time that's changing what's going to
} happen in the future, it gets to a point where your third eye is just
} rattling around in your head like a ball bearing in a spray paint can.
}
} *Sigh.* Well, here goes. *Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.....BORT!*
}
} June 11, 2001 - Mapping of the human genome is finally completed.
}
} August 7, 2001 - Exclusive rights to alter individual genes in the
} human chromosome is auctioned by the U.S. Government to the highest
} bidders. Due to an unexpected epilleptic seizure during the auction,
} the gene that determines development of respiratory systems and oxygen
} processing is mistakenly acquired for $785 million dollars by Nestle
} Foods, Inc.
}
} February 7, 2007 - Nestle Laboratories engineers a race of prototype
} superfrogs that breathe nothing but Ensure(R) chocolate beverage.
} Work begins on an additive to tap water that would cause the same
} mutation in humans.
}
} February 9, 2007 - Work on tap water additive scrapped after Microsoft
} Laboratories corners and shuts down all water utility markets, forcing
} all world citizens to rely on bottled "Water '07" for food-grade water.
}
} April 21, 2017 - A woman in Niota, Tennessee, falls head-first into
} her toilet and drowns. Since cancer, aging, heart disease, and other
} genetic-related diseases have been wiped out, and since cars have been
} long since replaced by computer-piloted hovermobiles, the woman was
} the first person to die a non-homicide related death in seven years.
} In the subsequent Geraldo Rivera special that followed, the public
} was outraged with Nestle for not coming up with a way to protect them
} from drowning in toilets.  Nestle stock plunges 15 points.
}
} December 11, 2017 - Nestle applies gill mutation to a batch of 750
} prototype monkeys. In four months, the monkeys develop gill-like
} appendages that process oxygen from water. Nestle announces that the
} human mutation will be available by July 4 of next year. The prototype
} monkeys are trained to clean pools and are sold to Club Mediterranee
} S.A.
}
} July 2, 2018 - Syringes containing the human gill mutation are sold
} to general public as the "free prize" inside boxes of Cocoa Pebbles.
} 2.1 billion receive the treatment within the first two months. By the
} third month, treatment is given as a charity donation to needy people
} in Third World coastal nations. Nestle stock soars 151 points.
}
} October 1, 2018 - Mutation begins taking effect. Larnyxes begin
} swelling themselves shut, and the corresponding gills that developed
} were not processing water. Nestle checks the administered formula,
} and realizes their administrative error. The "frog" formula was
} administered instead of the "monkey" formula. Four billion people
} worldwide now required Ensure(R) in order to breathe. Emergency
} shipments of the beverage were rushed to locations throughout
} the world, but not before a mass die-off of 3.5 billion people.
} Nestle stock soars 57 points.
}
} December 19, 2018 - As Ensure(R) stockpiles dwindle, Nestle executives,
} in a last-ditch attempt to save humanity, engineer a plot to build huge
} mobile waterborne factories that will turn the oceans into Ensure,
} thus allowing mankind to live forever under the sea. Unfortunately,
} before all factories can be completed, gigantic chocolatey tropical
} storms begin to ravage the land, wiping out...
}
} *BORT!!!!*
}
} That's it...<*snort*> I lost the <*snort*> signal. Ow, geez, that
} hurts!  <*snort*> Zadoc, hand me a tissue, would you? The whole box?
}
} Well, there you have it. Some say the world will end in fire, some
} say in ice. Looks to me like it's going to end in an enormous ocean
} of geriatric energy beverage.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of ice and a cracker.


1045-03    (5oxgc dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Grand Oracle, please accept this well-preserved cask of whiskey
> highly approved by his Excellency the Duke of Richmond who marked it
> with the initials L.L.
>
> I am confused. "To give some one a licking" is negative, yet you
> can improve a person by "licking them into shape."
>
> Could you clarify this for me please, Wise Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That depends what shape they are licked into......
}
} [Scene: A Television appears suspended in space, it turns on, the
}  picture clears.]
}
} Are you fat? Too thin? Too tall? Too short? Not enough muscles? Are you
} just the wrong shape or do you possess the wrong number of limbs?
}
} Then you should try the new medical breakthrough ---- LICKOSUCTION!
}
} [Fanfare. Animated demonstration starts.]
}
} See how the hundreds of tongues take body tissue from one place and
} move it to another. See the tongues performing the patented Linda
} Lovelace twirl, the secret to the effectiveness of ---- LICKOSUCTION!
}
} [Polka music starts.]
}
} Just listen to these satisfied testimonials. Listen to Carol Jones of
} Oaklahoma city.
}
} [Supermodel style woman with 48DD, um, somethings, appears on the
} screen.]
}
} Look at my before picture and look at me now. Lickosuction reworked my
} life by licking all the excess weight from around my hips and putting
} it (smile) well you know where. I had less dates than a paleolithic
} calendar, but now I have the DNA stains of five major world leaders on
} my dress. Thank you, Lickosuction.
}
} Thanks Carol, now let's speak to Eddie Irvine of Dublin, Ireland.
}
} Hi. I had raced in Formula One for five years without a single win.
} Lickosuction changed my whole body shape into one that a much lower
} profile, and therefore less draggy, Formula One car could be built
} around. As soon as the designers saw my new low-profile, sloping body
} shape with my elliptical skull, I was on the top of everyone's list for
} a drive, and won the championship the next year. Thank you,
} Lickosuction.
}
} Thanks Eddie. Now let's hear a subtitled testimonial from Daisy, of
} New Zealand.
}
} Moo. Moo moo moo moo. Moo moo. Moo moo moo moo moo. Moo moo moo. Moo
} moo moo moo. Moo.
}
} [Subtitles: I was a cow with a problem common to cows. I was going to
}  have my throat slit and be butchered. Fortunately a friend told me
}  about Lickosuction, and in three sessions I was transformed into an
}  exact replica of Sylvester Stallone. At the slaughterhouse, it was
}  assumed that a mistake had been made and by a 17 - 15 vote, my life
}  was spared. Thank you, Lickosuction.]
}
} And thank you Daisy. Yes, LICKOSUCTION, the new way to change your
} body, your profile, your species, and your life. Don't delay, be shaped
} up today.
}
} [Television morphs into a space rocket, and flies up into space.]
}
} You owe The Oracle a carton of kleenix tissues big enough to wipe
} saliva off an entire body.


1045-04    (usga6 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great one, more oracular that the Digests,
>
> what happens if the condom breaks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't know?!
}
} What are you doing with a condom if you don't already know???
}      ___
}    /(,  )            /)
}   /    / __  _   _  //  _
}  /    / / (_(_(_(__(/__(/_
} (___ /


1045-05    (7iBl7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most spiffy Oracle, whose ears are as wax candles that never burn
> down, answer me this:
> Why did she say that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You never know, but chances are it can be explained by at least one and
} probably several of the following:
}
} She didn't want to hurt your feelings. She wanted to hurt your
} feelings. She'd held an imaginary conversation with you entirely in her
} head, and what she said was a completely logical thing to say under the
} circumstances; it's not _her_ fault that you were unaware of the
} conversation. She didn't really mean it. She meant it emphatically, but
} now realizes it's best to act as though she didn't. Pre-Menstrual
} Syndrome. Post-Menstrual Syndrome. A Syndrome to be Named Later. She's
} going insane. She's going sane. She needed to be 'validated'. She's
} tired. She got too much sleep. She's hungry. She ate too much. These
} affected her mood. You're not communicating with her enough. You're
} communicating with her too much. You're communicating with her
} just_right, but not about the right things. What she said had nothing
} to do with what she wants, but she expects you to discern the
} connection between what she said and what she wants, even though,
} objectively, there ain't none.
}
} In other words: NOBODY KNOWS. This includes her.
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise that you'll remember Bart the Carpenter's
} Dictum: They're all insane, so you might as well fall in love with a
} pretty one.


1045-06    (dplhe dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hot Oracle, you warm our hearts with your cool insights;
>
> The Washington Monument, they say they are just cleaning it up under
> those 1.3 acres of blue net, but I hear they are redoing the whole
> thing... what is going on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    It's already in the proper shape.  What they're doing now is carving
} it, and soon it'll be unveiled as the Clinton Monument...
}
} You owe the Oracle a milleniums supply of Viagra.


1045-07    (durg4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, why, oh why, can't I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insurance reasons.
}
} You owe the Oracle 3 points.


1045-08    (7lCj5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Blib, bli lib. Ilb lbib bibl bibbil ilb.
>       Bili blibllbi bliblliil blibl liblb Oracle lbliblbi bliblil
>       lliblbi blib
> blibllib, lib bli bli libl bilb ilblbi. Ilb i  blib blib blibli blillib
> lillibb lbiblbil lii i liblbi  llllbibllib  blilbliib. Lib ib lbbil.
> blibil blblibl lilli lbbi biblib lbillbillbiilbill bliil bibiiiibi
> lbllb blibliilb blibllilblib b, ilbll blibli i l i l   lilbiilbiblib
> Oracle!  Ibl blibl il  l ib bilbi   b libli blilbiiibliiblibblil
> lbliblibilbbi l lbilbiibl blbiblbib bbliblib biib biblbib biblbi
> biblkib bib. Bliblllib?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To Blib, of the planet Bli Lib,
}
} Yes, Earthlings are fascinated and mystified by your crop circles. For
} other design ideas, I suggest some higher mathematical functions, such
} as the "Mandelbrot set" and "Julia sets", or other fractal forms (see
} attached technical documentation for mathematical definitions). For
} more interesting variations, may I suggest a few "tree circles" in the
} Steppes in Russia, or perhaps you could even try a "building circle" in
} downtown Los Angeles. Don't worry too much about the humans that live
} there. If they're stupid enough to build a city on a major fault line,
} then they must consider themselves to be temporary.
}
} The residents of this planet are not yet ready for the initiation of
} formal contact procedures. Wait until we replace all our "politicians"
} with automated machinery that does the same task. My omniscient self
} predicts that this will take place thin about 90 years. Until then,
} wear a hat and dark glasses in public, as your large, almond-shaped
} eyes tend to give you away. Also, if you wear a "suit" (see attached
} image), people will tend to ignore you. Just be careful with your
} choice of fabrics. Our technology does not yet extend to that
} shimmering, self-cleaning metal-plastic cloth with the shade of silver
} that is the latest fashion in the city of Bliblil. Fabric made from
} "wool" and "polyester" is best for this (see enclosed samples). The
} white accessory known as a "shirt" is best made from "cotton". You may
} exercise more freedom of choice for the redundant strip of cloth known
} as a "tie". You could put a picture of your leader on this "tie" and
} nobody would notice.
}
} I would be careful about where you park your ships, because some humans
} have a tendency to steal anything that's not nailed down.
}
} Your representative on Earth, the Oracle.


1045-09    (5ixmc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will I have enough disk space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We are sorry to inform you that your recent query to the Internet
} Oracle, question #Qa27107, cannot be answered, as it was deleted from
} the Oracle's question queue on 24 Aug 98 in order to save disk space.
}
} If the question is very important to you, please feel free to resubmit
} it to the oracle at <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>.
}
} Sincerely yours,
}
} the Oracle staff


1045-10    (cemph dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle moist wipe,
>
> Eye thing they're as something rung wit by voice wrecked ignitions
> off there.
>
> Peas, can ewe hell me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Internet Oracle sud jests ewe sea as peach there a pest.


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