[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 19:38:10 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1046

Goto:
1046, 1046-01, 1046-02, 1046-03, 1046-04, 1046-05, 1046-06, 1046-07, 1046-08, 1046-09, 1046-10


Internet Oracularities #1046    (93 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 1 Sep 1998 07:37:45 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1046
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1046  93 votes 27ixx 7coEa fmxg7 4gAod ozq62 clzi7 4aszg 4BBb4 77fww gixh9
1046  3.1 mean  3.9   3.4   2.8   3.3   2.2   2.9   3.5   2.7   3.8   2.8


1046-01    (27ixx dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, (all groveling has had to be suspended due to the lack of
> decent replies)
>
> Why do you keep giving me crap answers to good questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <sigh>
}
} My apologies, supplicant. It seems you weren't quite up to the level of
} subtle reference in my replies. Let's take a look at some of the
} highlights, shall we?
}
} For example, you asked the following question:
}
} } Almighty Oracle, who understands all the laws applicable to filing
} } patents in ninety-seven countries, who could have invented everything
} } that ever was invented had you not been too busy chilling out, tell
} } me this:
} }
} } I've recently invented a great perpetual motion device that *actually
} } works*. I'm sure you already know how it works, so I won't bore you
} } with the details. But it's the real McCoy.
} }
} } Problem is, the patent office refuse to let me register it, because
} } they believe it's not possible (they don't realise it's possible to
} } 'bend' the laws of thermodynamics a little).
} }
} } What can I do to protect my idea?
}
} And I replied:
}
} > you suck
}
} Now, while you may have thought this was merely the work of some
} hotmail-crazed queue-drainer, it was in fact a reference to that unsung
} genius of modern times, Mr Dyson, who invented an entirely new form of
} vacuum cleaner using techniques which many believed would not work.
}
} "A vacuum cleaner without a bag?" they cried. "It'll never work." But
} by sheer perseverance and force of personality he built a mighty
} industry on that new vacuum cleaner, and is a very rich man today.
} Persevere, be strong, and the patent office will accept your
} application.
}
} Then you asked:
}
} } Oracle most hoopy, who can interpret any language without the aid of
} } a babel fish, and who needs no guide, I have a question for you.
} }
} } What's the *real* answer to life, the universe, and everything?
}
} And I replied:
}
} >
}
} Again, a simpler querant might think they had been fobbed off with a
} null answer, but someone as incisive as yourself should have noticed
} that this was a reference to the teachings of Mikhail Lukin, the
} reclusive Russian seer and mystic. He holds that the true secret to
} life, the universe and everything can be perceived only through silence
} and stillness, since before the beginning of the universe there was
} only infinite peace and calm.
}
} In fact he's not entirely right, but this *is* the closest any human
} has ever got to the truth of these things, so I was expecting you to
} meet him and listen to his teachings and apply your mind to them so
} that you might make the necessary breakthrough and bring insight to the
} world.
}
} Unfortunately it's a bit late now, since he was run over trying to
} cross a busy Moscow street. Still, I'm sure another Russian mystic will
} be along in a millenium or so.
}
} Let's see, by the time your next question came you were clearly
} beginning to get irate, since your grovel was well below par. You
} wrote:
}
} } Coolish Oracle,
} }
} } Instruct me in the ways of knowledge, enlighten my path, tell me the
} } truth: who shot JFK?
}
} And I replied:
}
} > me. haha
}
} Witless? Unintelligible? As you put it, 'Crap'? I think not.
}
} Ho Ling Me, a Vietnamese agent working for the CIA was, in fact the
} second gunman that fateful day. And the irony that caused me to laugh
} bitterly? I would have thought it would be simple, even for someone as
} clearly obtuse as you. I refer you to the yearbook for Green Springs
} High School, in which Mr Me was jokingly described as 'Most likely to
} become a CIA assassin and gun down the president'. Truth, as they say,
} is stranger than fiction.
}
} So you see, supplicant, the problem is not that you have been given
} poor answers, but that you have been given the greatest answers of all,
} but have failed to comprehend them. From now on you will receive
} answers suited to more mediocre supplicants. Top 10 lists will fill
} your mailbox. You will receive answers in the form of a dialogue
} between Lisa and Og, written in the style of Quentin Tarantino. You
} will have your fill of in-jokes, recycled rec.humor.funny postings and
} pastiches of popular TV shows and films.
}
} And yet... you will always feel that by missing out on your chance to
} receive unexpurgated the full wisdom of the Oracle you have missed out
} on a fuller, richer life. You will evermore prowl the depths of
} rec.humor.oracle.d, hoping to rediscover what it was you lost, but in
} vain. I offered you wisdom, and you turned it away.
}
} You owe the Oracle.


1046-02    (7coEa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Clever & skillful with his mind is the Oracle, and I don't mind
> that he is so smart that mortals can't understand everything he says;
>
> What is the maxiumum speed the Universe can go in reverse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The speed of dark.


1046-03    (fmxg7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the usual ransom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At last count, Windows 98 cost UKP 80.
}
} You owe the Oracle Redhat Linux 5.1.


1046-04    (4gAod dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise & Noble Oracle!
>
> My husband has gone on a extended business trip. He left me here alone.
> I have never cheated on him. He has been a good provider, but...
> couldn't I just have a quick affair? He'd never know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately for you, your husband will notice if you've cheated on
} him, because he made a diagram of the board before he left so that he
} could study the position.  If you move or remove any piece, he'll know.
}
} You might try offering a draw, but at this point you should probably
} just resign.  Your king is pinned to your rook, and your pawn structure
} is terrible.
}
} Let this be a lesson to you: never sacrifice center control for
} material!
}
} You owe the Oracle a secret assignation.  You bring the board.


1046-05    (ozq62 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Send in the clowns!
>
> Oh, I see they're all in rec.humor.oracle.d already.  Never mind.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Oracle sits at the computer humming:>
}
} >Isn't it rich?<
} >Are we a pair, <
} >me here at last on the ground,<
} >you in midair?<
}
} "Orrie, what are you going on about?"
}
} "Sorry Lisa, just humming to myself while checking out the newsgroups"
}
} "So, what are you reading?"
}
} "Oh, several new ones...
}
} ...    rec.humor.bright.red.siamese.fighting.fish.bubble.bubble.bubble
} ...    alt.dinner
} ...    news.re:.re:.re:.re:.re:
} ...    alt.flame.lusers.&microsoft.&aol.&juno.&WebTV.&Hotmail.&tc
} ...    rec.humor.oracle.quote.alt.folklore.urban."
}
} "Oh, I can't stand that stuff."
}
} "Don't you love Farce?
} ...my fault, I fear...
} I thought that you'd want what I want,
} sorry, my Dear!"
}
} "If that's what you find funny, perhaps I should just send in the
} clowns." <pauses> "Zadoc!, Zodoc!, Kendai!"
}
} <almost immediately, in shuffles the trio>
}
} "Whoops, don't bother, they're here."


1046-06    (clzi7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O tell me greatest and wisest entity in all the 9 dimensions:
>
> Why puts my mother me always in the cellar when she receives strange
> men?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your incoherent sentence structures embarrass her.


1046-07    (4aszg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou who is so respected in the downs, that rabbits
> come to thou and lay themselves down prone, such is the honor of
> being eaten by The Oracle.
>
> Oracle, Sly Brown Fox here (you can call me SBF). Oracle, I used to be
> one of the fastest things on the downs, catching rabbits, hares, voles,
> eating berries, and whatever. But, I'm not as young as I used to be,
> and am getting a bit slow. Those ferkin' rabbits hardly ever run away
> any more. Now, not surprisingly, I'm getting just a little hungry.
>
> I've noticed that there are some other animals wandering around the
> downs, large ones, that walk on their hind legs, and wear brightly
> coloured fur with 'Valentino' and other things written on it. Pretty
> slow too.  If I could bag one of those a week. I'd live like a king.
> So, how do I hunt down, and kill those big bipedal animals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to catch one of those tasty bipeds is to place a personal
} ad in the paper:
}
}       SBF seeks a big, juicy man for light bondage and dinner.
}       I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed just thinking about you.
}       Call me -- I'm a real vixen!
}
} That just get you a flood of responses; plenty to keep you fed for
} quite a while.  Your job will be even easier if you can get them to
} tie themselves up before you even get there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rabbit's foot.


1046-08    (4BBb4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am looking to take some Oracle DB Admin on Windows NT instructror
> lead classes, does anyone have any recommendations as to a good
> training provider in the North East (specifically Connecticut)? Any
> help would be very much appreciated.
>
> Thank You

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Juno Incarnation Ltd. Presents... DB HELL: The FAQ
}
} Q. What is database normalization?
} A: It's making your tables more normal.
}
} Q: In what way?
} A: By reducing them to average quality.
}
} Q: What is a transitive dependency?
} A: A link between train cars.
}
} Q: What is a tablespace?
} A: That's another term for your desktop.
}
} Q: When should blobs be used?
} A: In Ed Wood movies.
}
} Q: How do I optimize a join?
} A: Ask Dr. Ruth.
}
} Q: What is SQL?
} A: Ask me later.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Starr schema.


1046-09    (77fww dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Allright, TUO, you think you're tough?  Try ME on for size!
> <pulls out a <ZOT> wand> I'm the AOL Oracle, and you're toast, buddy!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have my compliments.  You've dragged yourself out of the
} capslock mire and learned to speak complete sentences.  You have
} finally become a worthy adversary.
}
} > I know!  And now I shall take my rightful place as your
} > replacement!  Your staff of ZOT is across the room from
} > you, and you'll never reach it before I fire my wand!
}
} You have a formidable weapon indeed, my friend, but it cannot
} compete with *this*.
}
} > What is that?  A computer printout?
}
} It is a list of sites which make pornography available via
} anonymous FTP.
}
} > You fiend!  I know what... you're trying to do!  Must...
} > resist...
}
} You cannot resist.  Nature can be hidden but never truly overcome.
} Look closely.  You know you want it.
}
} > No!  No!  Arrrrrgh!
}
} Here it is, you need just ask for it and it's yours.
}
} > PLEASE SEND PRONO FTP LIST!
}
} Good boy.  Nature will out, as they say; philosophers have asserted
} this for centuries.  It is the reason procrastination is so hard to
} overcome; the reason recovering alcoholics fall off the wagon.  It
} is by no means solely a human failing, for the gods are prone to
} recidivism as well (look how many children Zeus kept fathering,
} even after promising to change).  Here, you have now heard me say
} words which humans might call "erudite"; what is your response?
}
} > } Good boy.  Nature will out, as they say; philosophers have asserted
} > } this for centuries.  It is the reason procrastination is so hard to
} > } overcome; the reason recovering alcoholics fall off the wagon.  It
} > } is by no means solely a human failing, for the gods are prone to
} > } recidivism as well (look how many children Zeus kept fathering,
} > } even after promising to change).  Here, you have now heard me say
} > } words which humans might call "erudite"; what is your response?
} >
} > ME TOO!
}
} Excellent.  Now give me that wand.  Very good.  Run along now.
}
} > ILL BE BACK!!!!!!
}
} Yes, I know.  And I'll be waiting.


1046-10    (gixh9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sehr Gut, danke.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Der Oracle nicht sprechen der deustche mitout der Supplikant grovellen.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org