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Internet Oracularities #1048

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Internet Oracularities #1048    (81 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 5 Sep 1998 00:10:32 -0500 (EST)

@@@                           EL ORACULO!
@@@
@@@ I'm pleased to announce here a new Oracle for the Spanish language.
@@@ Run by Carlos Yoder and Joaquin Perez using software by Germano
@@@ Caronni (of the German-language Oracle), this new Oracle is available
@@@ at <oraculo@delfos.canopus.com.ar>.  As usual, send a message to this
@@@ address with "help" in the subject to get started.  Please help spread
@@@ the word about this new service.

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1048
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1048  81 votes aemnc cilm8 dglid ekibi hwgb5 isk87 6ipei jrp82 aqjdd 6mxh3
1048  2.8 mean  3.2   3.0   3.0   3.0   2.4   2.5   3.2   2.3   2.9   2.9


1048-01    (aemnc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, Oracle, Far And High, Higher Than High And Wider Than
> Wide...
>
> I'm sorry, Where was I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You were about to go on telling me how wonderful I am.
}
} You were going to tell me that I am wiser than Solomon, stronger
} than Hercules, more virile than Clinton, faster than Carl Lewis,
} more powerful than a locomotive, more ubiquitous than "MAKE MONEY
} FAST," more flavorful than Folgers Crystals, smarter than Einstein,
} richer than Bill Gates, more user-friendly than the iMac, sexier
} than Fabio, a better seducer than Casanova, more knowledgable than
} the Oxford English Dictionary, wittier than Oscar Wilde, more ironic
} than ra-i-i-n on your wedding day, brighter than the Morning Star,
} sharper than a katana, more historic than the Battle of Waterloo,
} deadlier than the guillotine, happier than a clam at high tide,
} funkier than George Clinton, more prolific than Isaac Asimov, better
} built than Arnold Schwarzenegger, more literate than the entire
} English department at Harvard University, a better director than
} Alfred Hitchcock, more famous than Monica Lewinsky, higher-grossing
} than Titanic, more explosive than Little Boy, smoother than a baby's
} behind, hotter than hell, more devious than a team of feral lawyers,
} a better writer than Shakespeare, a bigger star than DiCaprio, a
} better programmer than Linus Torvalds, faster than a speeding bullet,
} tougher than an Organic Chemistry final, funnier than the green golf
} ball joke, more flexible than Nadia Comaneci, more useful than a
} whole set of Ginsu knives, a better comic than Seinfeld, higher than
} a kite, slipperier than an eel, studlier than the Tick, calmer than
} a Buddhist monk, bloodthirstier than Cthulu, more energetic than a
} hyperactive 3-year-old, more in control than the black helicopters,
} a better late-night choice than Jay Leno, more up-to-date than the New
} York Times, a higher seller than John Grisham, bigger than a breadbox,
} more charismatic than Jim Jones, and an all-around nice guy.
}
} But you didn't get around to all of it.  I understand.
}
} Better luck next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle some superlatives he didn't think of.


1048-02    (cilm8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <bill@flirble.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, the deus ex machina unsurpassed by all others,
> whether real, imaginary and complex,
>
> I have a small problem for which I need your help.
>
> --
>
> My acolyte and I entered the small, dark Temple at first
> light. We closed the door behind us and barricaded it.
>
> I sat down in the Approved cross-legged manner in the
> centre of the Pentagram, and my acolyte stood at the rear
> of the Temple.
>
> I waited until the first rays of the Sun that rises 45 days
> after the Solstice hit the Eye of the god Niffiwan that
> sits at the top of the Altar of Sacrifice.
>
> Then I pulled the Dagger of the Ritual out of the Scabbard
> of Concealment and waved it slowly three times over the
> Bowl of the Ritual as a sign to the Gods that the Dark
> Ritual had begun.
>
> My acolyte then placed a small quantity of the Herbs of
> Enlightenment in the large, shiny Bowl of the Sun God, and
> slowly raised the bowl to the rays of the rising sun, and
> my acolyte held the bowl there until the magic of the Sun
> God caused the herbs to burst into flame.
>
> My acolyte then lowered the Bowl of the Sun God to the
> centre of the pentagram.
>
> I added more of the Herbs of Enlightenment to the Bowl of
> the Sun God.
>
> I used the holy Flame of the Sun God to light each of the
> Candles of Illumination that were placed at each of the
> corners of the Pentagram.
>
> When the candles were lit, my acolyte led in the goat.
>
> I tied the goat to the Altar of Sacrifice.
>
> My acolyte removed the Box of Niffiwan from the Place of
> Hiding Things and brought it to me.
>
> I opened the Box of Niffiwan and placed a small quantity of
> the Ointment of Numbness on the tip of the Dagger of the
> Ritual.
>
> I smeared the Ointment of Numbness over the throat of the
> goat.
>
> I then closed the Box of Niffiwan, and my acolyte returned
> the Box of Niffiwan to the Place of Hiding Things.
>
> I brought the Bowl of the Ritual close to the throat of
> the goat.
>
> Then I cut the throat of the goat with the Dagger of the
> Ritual, making sure that all of the Blood of Sacrifice
> landed in the Bowl of the Ritual.
>
> My acolyte removed the body of the Goat of the Sacrifice
> and dropped it down the Well of Stench.
>
> We wiped the Dagger of the Ritual on the Cloth of Cleaning,
> and placed the Dagger of the Ritual back into the Scabbard
> of Concealment.
>
> My acolyte and I then extinguished all the Candles of
> Illumination, and extinguished the Flames of the Sun God.
> We left the temple and in front of the whole village took
> the first sips of the congealing Blood of Sacrifice in the
> Bowl of the Ritual. Then the Chief of the village drank
> deeply of the Blood of Sacrifice, followed by the Elders.
>
> We returned the Bowl of the Ritual to the temple.
>
> And the rains did not come.
>
> --
>
> O Oracle, can you tell us if there is anything wrong with
> our Ritual of Rain? We need to debug our Ritual, but cannot
> find computer software for a Pagan Ritual Debugger anywhere,
> so we turn to you for help instead.
>
> O Oracle, how can we make our Ritual work every time? Our
> Ritual works most of the time, but we do not know if there
> is some purification step that we are missing.
>
> - Shaman Kelsar of the Sepulchur
> - Acolyte Neewin of the Face of Pizza

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is indeed a problem.  Personally I believe it may be caused by
} incompatible worship methods.  There is a new ritual just been released
} into the religious arena by one of the dominating sects, MegaSect.
} This impressive ritual will provide you with not only plentiful rains,
} full dams and summer water, but also offers easy upgrade worship plans
} to encompass most rituals of the growing village.
}
} On the down side, it needs an ensemble of 50 priests, at least half
} your herd of cattle, plus a great deal of wealth on the part of those
} who wish to be protected.  Alternatively, if you are a little more
} devote, there are other minor sects out there willing to pass on their
} rituals for very low cost, if none at all.
}
} However, you seem to be convinced your ritual is correct and I will
} attempt to guide you through the correct procedure.
}
} In the beginning you entered the dark temple with your acolyte at first
} light.  Alas this should have been a light temple at dusk.  But this is
} a minor detail and will be fixed in the next release of the ritual.
}
} Next you sat, this is good, however we recommend an ergonomic chair
} instead of the cross-legged style.  This will enable you to hold your
} concentration for a longer period of time.  The pentagram is a nice
} touch, but since this is an old version of the ritual I would recommend
} upgrading to a hexagram for added benefit.  At this point of the ritual
} your acolyte is not needed and we recommend that they be banished
} outside in search of the mythical pizza and cola for this part of the
} exercise.
}
} Due to a typographical error in the original text, you should have
} waited for the moon to rise 45 days after the solstice, again out
} technical department apologise for this error.
}
} The next bit about waving the dagger is a little old fashioned really.
} I mean, lets face it, the gods know the ritual has begun.  And the
} scabbard of concealment has never worked either, it should have been
} removed in a previous release.
}
} Ok, including the Sun God was a mistake.  This was accidentally left in
} by previous misguided priests, but lets face it.  Sun and rain?  Sun is
} the natural enemy of the rain, I'd steer clear of him.  Instead our
} department recommends placing the Herb of Enlightenment onto the Pizza
} which hopefully your Acolyte has returned with.  This can be washed
} down with the Holier-than-thou cola of your choice.
}
} Yeap, so skip the stuff to the sun god.  Now onto the candles.  I like
} it, ok, so they don't play a part in the ritual, but candles in a
} temple.  They just sort of go.  IF it were up to me, I'd add in a few
} tapestries as well and perhaps a statue of a minor deity decapitating
} someone, as long as it was tastefully done.
}
} Again, we're not too sure about the goat thing.  Oracle 2 thinks that
} it is good.  It shows you are keeping up with tradition, but Oracle 3
} shares my view that it is just a little dated.  Perhaps you could use
} the Dagger of Sacrifice to disembowel the viscous (and highly
} religious) Cake of Chocolate?  We are sure it would have a similar
} effect and would please the Gods as much, if not more.
}
} Of course this means that no longer will the villages be able to feast
} on their congealed blood, however perhaps you may be able to sate their
} hunger with the golden brew which flows from The Holy Keg?
}
} Anyway, the advice from this department is to dice the goat.  Instead,
} be happy with the cake and the holy drop.  If this is done correctly,
} the morning after, the villages will not care if it rains or not.
}
} Of course, if the rains do not fall, we have several other more
} attracted packages which may be of service, but these require a large
} proportion of your wealth and the offer of a young virgins, which we
} believe may be hard to find in your area.
}
} Us here at the Oracle mountain top, sincerely hope that this will help
} to alleviate your problems.  In the case of dissatisfaction, we do have
} operators standing by on the holy uplink to listen to your prayers.


1048-03    (dglid dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og here.  Og scrape knees on ground, bow to Or-a-kul.  Og make
> many grovel sounds.  Og hope Or-a-kul like grovel.
>
> Og hear strange sound last night.  Sound come from local bar.
> Og go inside, see strange people jump up and down, beat drum,
> play gui-tar, scream at crowd.  Og ask what going on.  Og
> friend tell Og "grunge band".
>
> Og think Og can be grunge band.  Og have spiky club to beat drum.
> Og get friend Thag to pull strings on gui-tar to make noise.  Og
> get Og-wa to scream at crowd.  (Og-wa good at screaming at Og;
> Og-wa probably good at screaming in band.)
>
> Can Or-a-kul get Og band gig at bar? Can Or-a-kul get Og band
> re-kor-ding deal?  Or-a-kul want to be Og a-gent?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And Mr Oraclestein, this note was the first you heard of the band?
}
} Yes, of course in those days the boys were rather rough, but I put them
} in suits, cleaned them up, saw if they could pass unseen on the New
} York Subway, and the rest is pre-history.
}
} When did you first see the band? Is it true that you, a successful
} Liverpool shopowner, went to see them at The Cavern Club?
}
} Well, it was more sort of an actual cavern, but there were certainly a
} number of clubs lying around. They were rough, very rough, but they had
} a certain something.
}
} Obvious charm and talent?
}
} Obvious brow ridges and an ability to live of the land. They'd only
} just come back from Germany.
}
} Had they gone to Germany to seek fame and fortune?
}
} In actual fact, they'd been forced south by encroaching glaciers, it
} was the Ice Age remember.
}
} What about all the girls screaming?
}
} Oh yes, the screaming. Unless you've experienced it, it's like nothing
} you can imagine. A piercing sheet of sound. And not only did they
} scream, but as soon as the boys appeared, they'd all run. Out the
} exits, out the fire escapes, out the windows away as fast as they
} could. And the customs agents and security, they ran too. I've never
} passed through an airport faster in my life.
}
} It's said that practically all of their songs went to number one in
} both the English and American charts.
}
} Yes. Lucky really, as any chart placing higher than 3 had them totally
} confused.
}
} And then, they not only conquered the record charts, but the movie
} world as well.
}
} Yes, "A Hard Day's Club" was my idea. We had prominent anthropologist
} Richard Leakster direct. The "romps", where the boys were placed in
} the forest and filmed as they expressed their natural charm and
} subsistence lifestyle were a particular success. They was even an
} American version of that movie made as a television series.
}
} "The Monkeys"?
}
} Yes.
}
} And eventually they stopped touring. Why was that?
}
} Well, it was this and that. The big fuss in America after Og's "We are
} bigger than Darwin" comment. But mainly it was because they discovered
} agriculture and didn't need to follow a nomadic lifestyle endlessly
} pursuing their game any more.
}
} What was their greatest work?
}
} Undoubtedly "Sgt. Ochre's Lonely Hearts Band Club". They practically
} locked themselves in the studio for months.
}
} They were that dedicated to producing the perfect album?
}
} No, they noticed that there was a zebra crossing outside, and they
} were staking it out until a herd arrived.
}
} What was the last time that they played live?
}
} The rooftop concert from the "Let it Club" sessions. It was the last
} time they played really live, just the three of them.
}
} Did they play on the rooftop to reach a larger audience?
}
} No, they smelt to bad to be kept in a confined studio. Have you seen
} the movie? Seen no-one standing on the far side of the rooftop?
} Downwind.
}
} Do you think they'll ever reform?
}
} Not as long as Og remains Zotted, no never. Some have suggested that
} they could reform with Mick Jagger taking the role of Og, but it
} wouldn't be the same. Mick isn't nearly as advanced as Og, evolutionary
} speaking.
}
} Do you think they really changed the music scene forever?
}
} Of course. Before they came on the scene we had nice boys who wore
} short hair, suits, and had manners, like Jan and Dean. Nowdays we have
} Oasis and The Spice Girls. What do you think?
}
} I take your point. Thank you, Mr Brian Oraclestein.


1048-04    (ekibi dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Oracle, you rule.  I need your help, bad. You name it man and it's
> yours what-ever ya want!
>
> Like on the last shipment I stepped on the product a little heavier
> than I should of... like I cut it by 30%, okay maybe even 50%, instead
> of the 5% I was supposed to... The Family is *pissed*. They say I am
> dead. What can I do to keep alive??
>
> You gotta help me!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}
} I advise you to give up your job as a mohel immediately.
}
} You must remember this, a bris is just a bris.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bageleh with a schmear.


1048-05    (hwgb5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When will I have enough disk space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am so sorry that I have to tell you this:
} NEVER
}
} There is no way you will ever have enough diskspace.
}
} If in any case a company finds a way, then I can assure you will be an
} other company called Microsoft, which will enlarge all their products
} to anihilate all new diskspace.


1048-06    (isk87 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do "Keep off the Grass" signs get where they are?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 12 Step programme and a lot of gum...


1048-07    (6ipei dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear sir:
> You have been randomly chose to be a beta test evaluator for the latest
> Microsoft product, Microsoft Woodchuck 6.66 for Windows. Please test
> and send your comments it.
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whoo, boy, are you ever asking for a zotting. Microsoft *and*
} woodchucks *and* that annoying little hotmail tagline, too. Well, let
} me just get out my Wand O' Zottage and give you the frying you so
} richly deserve, you sick little masochist.
}
} But hang on a sec. This stuff might actually be useful. Why should I
} put up with all these sloppy human supplicants asking me the same
} stupid question over and over again when I can have a computer program
} ask me the same stupid question over and over again? After all,
} annoying me is the one thing Microsoft can do better than my usual gang
} of supplicants. If this software works as badly as I think it will, I
} can close down the whole e-mail Q&A operation and just turn on
} Microsoft Woodchuck anytime I feel like being pestered. Okay, I'll give
} it a try.
}
} Hmm... Installation instructions... requires Windows 98. Well, for
} obvious reasons, I don't *have* Windows 98, but, since I'm omnipotent I
} can just simulate the way Windows 98 *would* work if Windows 98 *did*
} work. (Here's a question for all you supplicants in the peanut gallery:
} How would the work of Windows work if Windows work would work?)
} Installing...
}
} [During the installation process, the screen shows ads for other
} Microsoft products: Microsoft Orifice 98... Internet Exploiter...
} Windows for Wonkgroups... ]
}
} ...Done! Right, let's see how it does...
}
} MS Woodchuck: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
} could chuck wood?
}
} The Internet Oracle: ZOT! Not bad. Again!
}
} MSW: How much would wood a wouldchuck chuck if a wouldchuck could chuck
} would?
}
} TIO: ZOT! There was something a bit odd about that one, though. Again!
}
} MSW: Howl mulch wooed wooden woodchat shuck ever workshop cold shock
} wed?
}
} TIO: ZOT! Funny, I didn't tell it to run in Allen Ginsberg mode. Again!
}
} MSW: If a groundhog were capable of throwing xylem, what quantity of
} xylem would a groundhog elect to throw?
}
} TIO: ZOT! Curiouser and curiouser. Again!
}
} MSW: Woodchuck could chuck wood a if chuck-chuck would a wood-wood much
} how? How much ground round would a hound dog hog if a hound dog hogged
} ground round? How now, brown cow? If a woodchuck chucked wood in the
} forest and nobody was there to zot it, would it still be a woodchuck
} chucking wood? Xylem and phloem were big-bellied men; they chucked more
} groundhogs than four-score and ten. If you were the woodchuck and I was
} the wood, would you send me yellow roses? Homage world--But the wood is
} tired, and the wood is old, though we'll make it fine if the woodchuck
} holds. To chuck or not to chuck, that is the question: whether 'tis
} nobler in the mind to suffer the zots and error in line 42 fatal error
} the application Microsoft Woodchuck has unexpectedly quit and erased
} your hard drive in the process hit any key to begin auto-destruct
} sequence!
}
} TIO: Is *this* what you want me to beta-test? Any one of my human
} supplicants could ask me the woodchuck question better than that with
} one frontal lobe tied behind their back! You can take your Microsoft
} Woodchuck 6.66 and shove it down a gopher hole!
}
}    ________     _____     _____________    ___
}    |____  /    / ___ \    |_____  ____|    | |
}       / /     | |   | |        |  |        | |
}      / /      | |   | |        |  |        | |
}     / /       | |   | |        |  |        |_|
}    / /___     \ \___/ /        |  |         _
}    |_____|     \_____/         |__|        |_|
}
} Your next of kin owe the Oracle a new hard drive.


1048-08    (jrp82 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise;
>
> Are there really times that a cigar is just a cigar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant most querisome;
}
} That depends entirely, my dear supplicant, on whether or not you smoke.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Cubans.


1048-09    (aqjdd dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, thou who knows the *real* dirt on Clinton.
>
> Orrie, sometimes people write Oracularities based on The Priesthood,
> mentioning real priests by name, puttting words in their mouths,
> revealing secret pasts, whatever. But, it seems that I (Ross Clement)
> always seem to be doing nothing in particular. In fact, my actions in
> these Oracularities are so completely normal that I would never be
> found doing such in real life.
>
> Orrie, could you please write an Oracularity showing the *real* weird,
> illegal, and depraved things I get up to in secret?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The R.H.O.D.Father, Part VII, First Blood: Return of the
} Revenge of the Son of the Mumbly Guy That Looks Like
}             He Has a Face Full of Marbles.
}
}                                  +++
}
} G-Man, Federal Bureau of Incarnations:  Ross Clement??
} ....Ross Clement...Clement ...! Oh!  Rosso Clementi!!
} That's right, we've done a laundry-job on his image, it's all
} coming back to me now.  He's a stoolie.  Connected to
} "The Big Guy."  We set him up as some sort of smart guy, a
} college lecturer, an honest law-abiding citizen, rides a
} bicycle and refuses to harm bunnies.
}
} Federal Prosecutor:  But what's he *really* like?
}
} G-Man, Federal Bureau of Incarnations:  ...a disgrace to his
} entire family:
}
}                                  +++
}
} Clementi:  What's on the agenda today?
}
} Clementi's Thug #1:  There are people here waiting to ask
} favours of you.
}
} Clementi:  Okay, bring them in one at a time and have them
} pay their respects.
}
} Juno:  Don Clementi, I kneel and kiss your ring...  and I
} grovel at your feet...
}
} Clementi:  Not bad!
}
} Juno:  And I lick your left shoe...
}
} Don Clemeni:  Better!  Well, so much for preliminaries...
} Now show some *respect.*
}
} Juno:  Oh, dear and illustrious Don Clementi, Manipulator
} of Intelligences,  Most Exalted of Personages,  Hallowed be
} Thy name,  For Thine is the Kingdom--and the Power-- and
} the Glory... Forever.  A---men!
}
} Clementi:  Beautiful, -Now what can I do for you on this
} holy occasion?
}
} Juno:  I want in --  Don Clementi, you can use your
} influence, get me into the digests.
}
} Clementi:  Done!!
}
} Juno:  Oh Don Clementi!  How can I ever thank you?
}
} Clementi:  Please don't try!  Only swear to me on your
} withered and drained-off queue that when I ask you for a
} favour, *you* will grant it!
}
} Juno:  My drained-off queue?!?  But, the queue hasn't
} been drained-off...
}
} Clemeni:  Just remember that when I ask you for a favour!
} Now slither outta here!  Others are waiting.
}
} Clementi's Thug #1:  Number 2, now serving number 2...
}
} Zadoc:  Oh Don Clementi,  So Fierce Even the Samurai
} Run From Him Like Embarrassed Geishas,   I want a really
} great question to answer but the Oracle won't give it to me.
} He says it's a waste of bandwidth.
}
} Clementi:  Okay boys, get the Oracle on the phone, tell 'im
} to give Mr. Zadocco a really great question.
}
} Zadoc:        Oh thank you, Don Clementi!
}
}                                  +++
}
} Clementi's Thug #2:  Mr. Zadocco says you promised him a
} really great question from the Oracle.
}
} Oracle:  He's lying, the little twerp.  It's my word against
} that of an invertibrate! So...what are you going to do about
} it?!
}
}                                  +++
}
} Lisa:  EEEEYYYYYYiiiiiiiiueeewwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!
} Orrie!!!!  What the @#$%^^* is this at the foot of this
} bed?!?
}
} Oracle:  Hrmmph.  I was expecting a horse's *head* but I
} suppose since it's Zadoc we're talking about, this end is
} more appropriate...  --Clementi's getting a little big for his
} britches...  I'd better have one of the boys leak word of that
} blink tag on his web page in r.h.o.d.
}
} You owe the Oracle one ton of Sainsbury's Chocolate-Covered Ginger
} Crunch Biscuits....  --and I'll be keeping those reward cards,
} thengkyou.


1048-10    (6mxh3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tremendous Oracle, you are too fun and look good in a swimsuit!
>
> How did the garage sell go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Terrific, Supplicant, and thanks ever so much for asking. It was a
} good, family-oriented event, and most importantly, helped us raise
} some money for A Good Cause.
}
} Lisa convinced me to redecorate the Hall of Contemplation - this
} being the '90s, we pulled out 300 of the lava lamps and all of the
} shag carpeting, and replaced them with brand new, more expensive
} lava lamps.  We weren't able to sell any of them, but the kids had
} fun dropping the lamps off of highway overpasses, and they rolled
} Newt Gingrich up in the carpeting.
}
} Zadoc's artwork didn't move as quickly as you might have expected
} it to, either. The "Sad Dog" and "Elvises playing poker" paintings
} we had to throw away at the end of the day, although the Louvre sent
} a representative to pick up "Velvet Golda Meir." The "Hang in there
} Baby" photograph was denounced as suggestive by the Coalition of Old
} People who Look at a Lot of Porn, but Not in That Way, which resulted
} in a large NEA grant.
}
} And the highlight of the day, Lisa's album of holiday snaps from
} Martinique, inspired a lively bidding war between Hugh Hefner, Bob
} Guccione, and the Catholic Church. In the end they were all outbid
} by the French government, which pawned Tahiti to Me in order to buy
} the album.
}
} Tell you what, Supplicant - you don't owe Me anything this time around
} - just as long as you ask Me about My grandchildren.


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