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Internet Oracularities #1049

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1049, 1049-01, 1049-02, 1049-03, 1049-04, 1049-05, 1049-06, 1049-07, 1049-08, 1049-09, 1049-10


Internet Oracularities #1049    (84 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 10 Sep 1998 09:27:06 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1049
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1049  84 votes home7 4zz73 4qqp3 9iso5 emnh8 2qBf4 4hus5 2lK87 6dnph 0drqi
1049  3.0 mean  2.6   2.6   3.0   3.0   2.8   2.9   3.2   3.0   3.4   3.6


1049-01    (home7 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> SEND FTP PRONO LIST

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  Glad to oblige.
}
} begin 644 prono_list.jpg
} M_]C_X``02D9)1@`!`0```0`!``#__@!01FEL92!W<FFET=&5N('=I=&@@0VM
} M<'50:6,STUPIDHLUSER4BD@+2!0:&]T;V1E>"!#;WRRF)P;W)A=&EO;BII`P
} M:&THEV1E>"YC;VTI_]L`A``(!@8'!@4(!P<'"0D("II@P4#0P+"PP9$A,/%:
} M'QX=&INTERNETR`B+",<'"@W*2PP,30T-!\G.3TX,GGCPN,S0R`0D)"0BB#M
} M#1@R(1PA,C(R,CAMEC(R,C(R,C(R,C(R,C(R,C(R,GGC(R,C(R,C(R,CEE,E
} M,C(R,A(R,C(R,C+_PON1"`&]`1P#`1$``A$!`Q$!_II\0`N@```04!`0TT`T
} M``````O`!`(#!08'``$MY``!`P($`P0%!P@'!@8#`NNN0`"``,2!"(!!1,RO
} M$11B<@<L,X*2%2$Q0:*RPAOL0U%3P]+P""4T1&.#X''A9'%SA":!L;/1YY<O
} M5*$!``(#`0$!````````````DISK`0($!08'$0`"`AA@$"`@@#!P(&`POO`M
} M`0FIND(YOUR#OWN$PORN0LIKE0A2REAL(MANS$%!AOO@L'"\$%#1!0R4UU6E
} M`A$#$0`_`-UQ$A*WE\*\J=$4-W*@!?NJJ8=G%GHCYLL?"F)!M2%8C&*IOR`T
} M:IY@+%M54@PC$;;4Q!D[3'I2U+)-:S$;Q),5F"E;VR$Z<KH_95BQPMB7TT`O
} M18_6J-X*5Q[PK$K=JI@#%?3]_L]]']Y^C_*7GNGE_M_KY'SSKY]/X_2;HH4O
} M@#I%S;4`>2+<@SK2ERH`XAYNO9MORE(BRAINS`THAN2A4WOODCHUCK6[II5M
} M&,>GS_9__N?W2\IUH^5XO(\!UZ^G\7I-?*,2&/F$EZ_![QL]U/O(P4;&NN$E
} MCY8H($RMOOTNTSAF^YENOM\EKAM@NAC!UOYG$A$I%U6B5R"F1.)1Z9"7KK,T
} M6H`[&E$FOOTRTSAF)YENOMMEKAMQNACRUOYF(A]HW_``W"C`)D/FE+G3+A5O
} M<#$S-^*,TULMK,M<I^[U$A<>%D29$O$5.YM+Q-K3IX"Y,SYNH)F39"+CWWFO
} M_#TDMTE@0V.'3CID]3%J,CN$O:-^;^(52$\ECVDK*C+WN\4CD2&TK9"2IIRM
} M4HOW>CAN=IHSUBSCRIBESTOJTHIS5BOARD?^3)_FTH\O?['@\=5DAU:5NN/E
} M425I=&QCR]_N6KZ5E+G[_8DF>),OS@=%P2IGBVZFWXEDGIYQY&^O5PDN99VT
} MJ-^)1.&#8L,(':J1X%UP/,;>I04$"5T4`/XW")#*U)P6%F.F0\PD,A+J88`O
} MVUQ"PLEASEUGETTA6REAL^ISP2)\PY9A]'9J_-^K8O,=;?D^+TGRSKV^&G7O
} M`-^DPLEASE"GETNA4CLUE]_D?3-+$L#(W;9<RY,GP.D^00(E*T1Z9=*HII"M
} ME_.YPLEASEWGETCAELIFE+8MCPCYA)#0M@.9.$-.YU%:*T5H?5$S/C:NSSNE
} M-[0]7^(EZ#11V,T7<$4H7.[LN/%$M,91ZEV9=]'-;RR`?><J'B>>*3A;.*5T
} M#E3NR(3$\%(K)R7V4HALP>C]:GB'%&N>C#.G"9[FXY;M]X5YCI:A0?O\CCUO
} M]L7ZOT!QE\*ZOT!0]KLZOT!)62$ZOT!1*U&1ZOT!E_87OZOT!&5L#I.OOOWO
} M4RQCVR6ZOT!H"ECZOT!:LMAGM#ZOT!L1D-ZOT!PI"DZOT!(4@4QZOT!$OOVM
} M;3ZOT!N5C8MU+ZOT!U/4#ZOT!TN,[ZOT!4RENHZOT!F52DZOT!1!$\;ELL2E
} &G\7I`/_9
} `
} end
}
} You owe the Oracle Steve Case's head on a platter.


1049-02    (4zz73 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> INTER DIETY MEMO
> To: I. Oracle, Internet Accessed Source of Wisdom, Earth, Sol, East
> Side, Milky Way, Universe Armstrong-'one small step for man'
>
> From: W. Chuck, Source of Naughtiness, Infinite Forest, Plane 10, Heck,
> Under/Overworld, Universe Politicly Correct-'Some number of possible
> small locomotion unit(s) for a life form'
>
> Message: It has come to my attention you are abusing many of my
> subjects down on that planet you call home. (Mud, is it? Dirt? Ground?
> Something like that.) Anyway, stop abusing woodchucks. You can keep
> abusing Bill Gates, for some reason he seems to like it. Tell Zadoc he
> can have his soul back anytime he wants it, since it's currently
> cluttering up my office.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INTER-DEITY MEMO
}
} To:  W. Chuck, etc.
}
} From:  The Great and Powerful Internet Oracle, Knower of All Things and
} Satisfier of All Requests
}
} Re:  Your Memo
}
} Yeah, right, buddy.  Ask your boss Satan about the Woodchuck Souffle I
} brought to his Hallowe'en pot luck last year.  He ate five helpings and
} kept sticking poor Zadoc with his pitchfork until the poor sap gave up
} the recipe.  Why don't you just crawl back into a hole with your little
} rodent buddies and leave some room for the _real_ Immortals?
}
} You owe the Oracle Satan's recipe for Flaming Marmot.
}
} P.S.  You can keep Zadoc's soul.  He's doing fine without it.
} Actually, I didn't even realize it was missing.


1049-03    (4qqp3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Thou Oracle who knowest all, even the difference between sims and
> dims, who can tell the variances between unix and linux, deign answer
> this question.
>
> What is the difference between emacs and imacs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's compare and contrast:
}
} Emacs                           Imacs
}
} Adds new text to plain text     Adds resource forks to plain
} files                           text files
}
} Requires manual dexterity       Requires manual dexterity of
} of an octopus                   an eight year old
}
} Can be programmed to play       Can be programmed in a tower
} towers of Hanoi (but why?)      in Hanoi (but why?)
}
} Designed to wow plebs           Designed to browse webs
}
} Requires you to "escape"        Makes you want to "escape"
}
} Clunky command nuller           Funky cobalt colour
}
} Flops with no drive for         No floppy drive to save space
} swap space
}
} Editor of last resort           Computer of last resort
}
} Well, as you can see, there's not much difference. But my god,
} whatever you do, don't run emacs *on* and Imac...
}
} You owe the Oracle a decent computer and a decent editor.


1049-04    (9iso5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     This is broadband
>        This is the way

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Put it on your LAN
} Do it todaaaayyy...!!
}
} When your browser just keeps grinding
} where before its speed was blinding
} And your e-mail takes forever
} just to come back from wherever
} And the mudders and the mIRCers
} play with Doom and Quake berserkers
} And the mpegs are a running
} next to newsgroups based on punning
} And the .wav files are still loading
} and your ethernet's eroding
} Quicktime movies will be playing
} and RealAudio's a-saying
} things that can't be comprehended
} 'cause the packets that are sended
} are arriving far too slowly
} and your router now is wholly
} overloaded as it vainly
} tries to do its work, but mainly
} it's the network load that's growing
} from the porn sites that are flowing
} down the wires from the proxy
} (hey look! this one's really foxy!)
} that is causing all this trouble
} making your blood boil and bubble
} what you should do is relax
} and just lay out the co-aaaaaxxx....
}
} 'cause...
}
} [Enter chorus of women in Swiss milkmaid uniforms and men in crisp
} white sailor's bell-bottoms]
}
} Chorus:
} This is broadband
} This is the way!
} Put it on your LAN
} Do it todaaaayyy!!
}
} [You owe the Oracle tickets to the next revival of
}  The Pirates of Penzance.]


1049-05    (emnh8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Windows on PC
> Next line of haiku not found:
> Abort, Retry, Fail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No grovel, and it's
} Not even original;
} Zot's too good for you.


1049-06    (2qBf4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>               Great and powerful Oracle, master of earth and sky, many
> people know how to break an egg but only your infinite knowledge can
> re-assemble it. Before you I am putrid and smelly, unworthy of your
> presence.
>
>               Oracle, I know that we need air to live. But how did the
> air get here? I'm not talking about the Big Bang; I'm talking about the
> reason for it all. It seems too wild a coincidence that we can't live
> for even a minute without air, but somehow there happened to be air all
> over the planet. Is there some cosmic reason for it to exist? Did some
> being place it here for our sake? If so, why?
>
>               In a similar vein, why is the first derivitavie of the
> sin function equal to the cosine, but the first derivitive of the
> cosine function is the negative of the sin function? Isn't that
> backwards? And doesn't it imply that the second derivitive of sin
> cancels out the sin?
>
>               What's the purpose of it all, and how does this relate to
> Monica Lewinsky, economics, woodchucks, and the price of tea in China?
>
>               I await your answer, O wise guy.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cut to the chase, Supplicant.
}
} S: I don't know what you mean, Encylopaedic Enchilada. Though I seek
} enlightenment in the least of your syllables.
}
} None of these are the questions you meant to ask, are they?
}
} S: Uh, well, no, but....
}
} The question you meant to ask was, "What *am* I smoking?" wasn't it?
}
} S: Uh, well, yeah, but....
}
} Fine then. Well, you're still semi-coherent, if rambling. You're
} focussed on "meaning", when every child knows that there is no
} intrinsic meaning to the Universe; just a random string of blind luck
} and cold coincidence utterly devoid of higher purpose... sorry, got
} sidelined. Intense philosophizing, yet no sense of proportion or
} reality.  Plus an obsession with math.
}
} Obviously, Supplicant, you're smoking Descarte's ashes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hit.


1049-07    (4hus5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> He's the mighty oracle, any grovel I could offer would be unworthy - so
> I'm not going to bother,suffice to say: Oracle, you are big, popular,
> clever and smart - and I'm not.
>
> Tell me, what is the point in my life?  I sit at a desk all day
> processing mundane forms .  Will I ever get the girl and will I ever
> get out of this place with my sanity attached.  Oracle, you have a
> wondeful life. You never have to look in a dictionary, you are
> confident that every sentance you write is perfect in spelling and
> grammer and you never worry about which attire looks better at 7oclock
> on a Friday night - The red or the blue...
>
> Help ME!!!!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh most grovellicious supplicant, you will indeed get the girl at some
} point.  However, you're going to have to make a few changes in your
} life.
}
} First, change out of those colors.  I realize (being omniscient and
} all) that you can't decide between the red and the blue, but wearing
} both is *not* the answer.
}
} Second, don't go out at 7 on Friday night.  Friday nights never get
} going until at least 10.  Same for Saturday nights, unless you're going
} out to dinner.
}
} Third, show a little more self-confidence!  For crying out loud,
} supplicant, just because you're dead boring and your job is too doesn't
} mean you need to bring this to the fore on the first date.  I happen to
} have a tape of your last date here.  Let me just pop it into the VCR...
}
}      Girl:  So, what is it you do?
}
}      Supp:  Nothing, really.  I just sit in an office, all day, and I
}             process forms.  It's really very boring.  There's just no
}             point in it.  There's no point in my life.  There's no
}             point in it all.
}
}      Girl:  Oh...how....interesting.  Oh, my beeper's going off!  I'm
}             sorry, I really have to go...now.
}
} Needless to say, you surely didn't get the girl.  On the other hand,
} your coworker, Marcel, who has the same incredibly dull job as you, was
} in that same  restaurant that evening.  Here's *his* tape...
}
}      Girl:  So, what is it you do?
}
}      Marcel:  Oh, I'm in business.  But let's not talk about that old
}               stuff now, the night is young, the stars are out, there's
}               music for dancing, and I'm in the company of a beautiful
}               woman.  So let's leave the workaday world behind and let
}               me lose myself in your eyes...
}
}      Girl:  Mmmm...tell me more about that...my place or yours?
}
} So, there you have it.  Marcel had a marvellous night and yours
} was...well, not.
}
} You owe the Oracle better material for my VCR.


1049-08    (2lK87 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, (Use|Inter)net Oracle, who knows even more than me about the
> Internet and suchlike things, and who surely can answer this question
> much faster than anyone else:
>
> Why does the Usenet group "rec.humor.funny" exist? Surely humour is
> always funny? And if not, what's in the *other* rec.humor.* groups?
>
> _____________________________________________________
> Git Yer Private, Free Email at http://www.zotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, Supplicant, all humor newsgroups ought to be funny.  But they
} aren't: just look at rec.humor.oracle.d.  In the case of
} rec.humor.funny, what you have is a case of terminology inflation.  The
} same phenomenon is responsible for the fact that the smallest box of
} laundry detergent you can buy is the "large" size.  I understand that
} an RFD is about to be issued for rec.humor.hilarious, and no doubt
} someday that will be followed by rec.humor.bust-a-gut and
} rec.humor.wet-your-pants.
}
} Of course these so-called humor newsgroups are pathetic affairs,
} compared to the one true source of Internet humor.  That, I need hardly
} mention, is rec.humor.oracle, authored by Yours Truly.  You need no
} other newsgroup.
}
} You owe the Oracle an RFD for soc.religion.oracle.grovel.grovel.grovel.


1049-09    (6dnph dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise One, who understandeth well the ways of
> mortals lost and bewildered in the depths of lus
> t,  pray tell me;  Will I ever make love with St
> acey??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: ARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH, Dammit! If I get that furring piece of lemur
}       sh*t question one more time, I'm gonna...
}
} Lisa, Zadoc, or other over-used character: Oracle...calm down.
}
} Oracle: You know what, you can take that question and shove it up
}       your woodch...
}
} Over-used character: Oracle, take a deep breath, you can handle this,
}       you've handled worse.
}
} Oracle: Oh yeah? This is the 2**276709th time I've received that
}       question. This year. I just _can't_ think of another original
}       answer.
}
} OUC: So, omniscience doesn't imply omnicreativity.
}
} Oracle: Well, yes, logically it does. But of course! This supplicant
}       isn't smart enough to figure that out.
}
} Oracle: [To supplicant] Ok, kid, here's your answer:
}
}         Top Ten Unoriginal Ways To Answer Your Question
}
} 10. Anagram method: Well lets see, if I unscramble "Will I ever make
}       love with Stacey?" I get "Evil mate to sever wily &
}       lie. Whack!" It looks like you need to stop being so paranoid
}       about her.
}
} 9. Pick On Minor Details Of Question Method: Well, I think she'll be
}       more attracted to you if you upgrade from a 40-column screen
}       and get a word processor that supports word wrap.
}
} 8. Question Sent From a Famous Person Method: No, Mr. Clinton, Stacey
}       does not have any openings available for you at this moment.
}
} 7. Combination of above two methods: No, Mr. John Paul II, I'm
}       sorry, but you'll never make love with Saint Acey, even
}       after death.
}
} 6. Parody of sleazy television show method: Next on Jerry Springer:
}       "Three-way love triangles between deities, humans, and
}       woodchucks...Our first guest, Stacey..."
}
} 5. Og method: Og here. Og hit Stacey with spikey club. Og make love
}       with Stacey easy.
}
} 4. Infocom Parody Method: > TIE STACEY TO BED WITH ROPE
}                         You don't have the rope...
}
} 3. Top Ten List Method: And the number one reason you'll never make
}       love with Stacey is...
}
} 2. Unix geek method (see #3): Stack overflow (core dumped)
}
} And the number one unoriginal way to answer your question:
}
} 1. <<ZOT!!!>>
}
} You owe the oracle a better anagram generator, the location of John
} Bobbit's "thing", a Commodore 64, a key to all the doors in both the
} White House and the Vatican, a guest spot on "Jerry Springer", the
} laserdisc edition of "Groundhog Day", a Neanderthal, a spikey club, a
} copy of Zork II, a rope, a top ten list, a guest spot on "The Late Show
} With David Letterman", an infinitely large stack, a core dump, an
} agreement to "help" me test the staff of ZOT for the rest of your
} natural life, and the home phone numbers of both Stacey and Saint Acey.
} Oh, and an original question!


1049-10    (0drqi dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most culinary, who's tastebuds I'm not worthy to glance
> upon.....
>
> The government has just started sending me these little packets of
> food called Soylent Green.  My mouth waters at the mere mention
> of those tasty discs.  The only problem I've had with it is that my
> supply runs out the very day that I receive it.  I was wondering if
> you could give this humble supplicant the recipie for this
> exquisite delight.
>
> Sincerely,
> Jeff Dahmer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <brrring>
}
} FDA Man: Good morning, Food and Drug Administration.
}
} Oracle: This is the Internet Oracle. I've got a question about Soylent
} Green.
}
} FDA Man: Oh. Um...what kind of question.
}
} Oracle: Can you give me your recipe?
}
} FDA Man: <coughs> Our recipe for Soylent Green? Well, it's kind of a
} secret. You know, like the Colonel's blend of 11 herbs and spices...
}
} Oracle: Oh, you mean tumeric, black pepper, salt, sage, oregano, basil,
} allspice, cumin, saffron, detritus, and NutraSweet? C'mon, get with the
} times. There's a little thing called the Freedom of Information act
} that says, in a matter of speaking, "Fork over the recipe, pal."
}
} FDA Man: Well..ahem. Let's see. I think it's made mostly from avocado,
} with a little...
}
} Oracle: OH, MY GOD! SOYLENT GREEN IS MADE OUT OF AVOCADO! IT'S
} AVOCADO!!!!
}
} FDA Man: No, wait. I'm sorry, not avocado!
}
} Oracle: Oh?
}
} FDA Man: No...heh,heh. What was I thinking? Probably "guacamole."
}
} Oracle: OH, MY GOD! GUACAMOLE IS MADE OUT OF AVOCADO!!! MOTHER OF
} MERCY! IT'S AVOCADO!!!!
}
} <long pause>
}
} FDA Man: Are you all right, sir?
}
} Oracle: I'm fine. So, you were talking about the recipe for Soylent
} Green?
}
} FDA Man: I'm a little hesitant to tell you. Call me crazy, but I have
} this feeling you're going to overreact.
}
} Oracle: Oh, hogwash!
}
} FDA Man: Well, what am I supposed to think? I tell you that avocado is
} in guacamole, and you go off...
}
} Oracle: OH, GOD! THE HORROR!!! I CAN'T TAKE IT! GUACAMOLE IS MADE OUT
} OF AVOCADO!!!
}
} FDA Man: All right. Obviously, you're milking me and the FDA for
} melodramatic purposes. I'm sure all this is entertaining your readers,
} Mr. Oracle, but I'll be hanging up now...
}
} Oracle: No, please! I'll be good from now on. Please, just tell me, so
} I can pass along the answer to my supplicant. What is your recipe for
} Soylent Green?
}
} FDA Man: *sigh* All right. No melodramatic overreaction?
}
} Oracle: Promise. I'll take deep breaths.
}
} FDA Man: Okay. Here goes. To make eight wafers, you will need: two
} tablespoons salt.
}
} Oracle: All right.
}
} FDA Man: 1-1/4 cups water.
}
} Oracle: Gotcha.
}
} FDA Man: Two chicken flavored boullion cubes.
}
} Oracle: And?
}
} FDA Man: And...now, remember your promise, here...and the meat of one
} WOODCHUCK.
}
} Oracle: I...what? What did you say?
}
} FDA Man: Now, calm down...
}
} Oracle: Are...are you trying to tell me...SOYLENT GREEN is made out
} of...WOODCHUCK?!?
}
} FDA Man: Yes.
}
} Oracle: Oh...oh, my...OH, MY GOD!! That's awesome. Wow! Who'd have
} thought it? Finally, a government program with some redeeming values.
} Eliminating woodchucks, and at the same time feeding the masses!
}
} FDA Man: Um...well, I'm glad you like it, sir.
}
} Oracle: Is this stuff for sale? Can you buy it by the crateload?
}
} FDA Man: No, sorry, you have to be on welfare. Although for all we know
} there might be trace amounts of it in "Spam."
}
} Oracle: All right. Well hey, thanks for your time.
}
} FDA Man: No problemo. <click>
}
} Oracle: There you have it, supplicant. You owe the Oracle half your
} daily supply of yummy, delicious Soylent Green. Mmm! Soylent Greeeeen!
} Why not go on welfare, and pick some up today?


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