[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 0:51:19 GMT

Internet Oracularities #105

Goto:
105, 105-01, 105-02, 105-03, 105-04, 105-05, 105-06, 105-07, 105-08, 105-09, 105-10


Usenet Oracularities #105    (22 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 19 Jan 90 00:14:22 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

105   22 votes 6a330 25780 27562 12784 02398 16483 03559 15763 37660 04657
105   3.2 mean  2.1   3.0   3.0   3.5   4.0   3.3   3.9   3.2   2.7   3.7


105-01    (6a330 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when you look at a map of the United States, New England
> is up, but they call themselves' Downeast?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} no no, that's "Downy-est"
}
} have you ever seen a New Hampshire libertarian discussing politics with
} a Harvard Square liberal?  It's not a pretty sight.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pickup with a gun rack and "live free or die"
} plates.  Or maybe a biodynamic commune in Vermont and membership in the
} Cambridge food co-op.


105-02    (25780 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the difference between software and hard water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let me consult my OED (Oracles' English Dictionary).
}
} Software n:  the entire set of of programs, procedures, and related
} documentation associated with a system and esp.  a computer sytem;
} specif:  computer programs
}
} Hard water n:  a yellow or greenish viscid alkaline fluid secreted by
} the liver and passed into the duodenum where it aids esp.  in the
} digestion and absorption of fats.
}
} Well, I guess there's no difference.


105-03    (27562 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh greatest Oracle, all-knowing and all-powerful, please tell me...
>
> What the hell am I supposed to do about her? I can't stop thinking
> about her!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is going to have another cup of coffee and then the Oracle
} will be able to discuss your problem, the meaning of life, and where all
} the flowers went.  Just a sec...
}
} <gulp> Ahhh....
}
} What you are "supposed" to do with her is enjoy yourself.
}
} You have become obsessed, but you know that already.  The problem is not
} her, the problem is your obsession.  You've got this conflict between
} what you want and what you think you can get, so you have to either
} change your expectations so that they better match what you have, or
} change what you have so that it better satisfies your desires.  Or
} suffer.
}
} You see, you have to live in the present, this moment.  You can't live
} in the future.  So learn to take from each moment whatever you can.  And
} be wary of too much caution.
}
} But remember that this situation is only practice for What Comes Next,
} which will come along when you least expect it, drag you off to its
} cave, and make you wonder why you were ever worried before.
}
} Nothing is simple.  Nevertheless, the Oracle is feeling very generous
} today and will also give you a simple answer:  stock up on pretzels --
} the small, twisted kind -- and gummy bears, invite over everyone you
} know, and have a hell of a party.
}
} You owe the Oracle 10 pounds of gummy bears and 25 pretzels.


105-04    (12784 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, please tell me
>
>      Is it wrong to still sleep with a teddy bear when one is 22?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You zay you like zleepink vis ze teddy bear.  Zis is normal.
}       Many peoples like zleepink vis teddy bears.
}
} Vat does ze teddy bear zay about zis?  Does he like zleepink
}       vis you?  How old iz ze teddy bear?  How long haf
}       you been zleepink vis him?  Are you usink
}       contraceptifs?  Good!
}
} Perzonally, I like for zleepink vis someone less geshavetn,
}       but I understand ze appeal.  As Freud himzelf zaid,
}       "...you are big, you are tall, you are strong, you
}       are furry all over like ze teddy bear ... come to
}       daddy!"
}
} Zo, ja, i zay to you:  if ze teddy bear zays okay, zen zleep
}       vis him.  But try to get zum rest.


105-05    (02398 dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise and omnipotent, answer me this:
>
> If I ask a question, and you demand a payment, what is the mailing
> address?  I've tried stuffing things into my modem to send them, but all
> that happens is that the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches cause the
> modem to generate ugly garbage (closely resembling EBCDIC codes) to my
> CRT.  Is there a secret to this sending trick?  Or do modems not like
> peanut butter and jelly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now thanks to the miracles of modern technology, more specifically
} automated teller machines....you can make your payment to the Oracle at
} any one of thousands of convenient locations around the globe.  Just
} check your phone directory for the closest Automated Oracle Payment
} Machine and drive on over...There are slots for money and small items,
} intermediate sized slots for intermediate sized items such as peanut
} butter and jelly sandwiches and large slots for sheep and cows and what
} not...
}
} If your payment is in the form of a favor or action of some kind, there
} are special forms and instructions for you to fill out.
}
} You might think that all this convenience would cost alot...but, in
} fact, the Oracle's interest rates and yearly fees are much lower than
} most other supernatural being's fees...If you join our credit plan right
} now, you will receive two years of service with not annual fee, plus,
} the low interest rate of 12.9% That could save you up to 15 ounces of
} peanut butter and jelly this year alone.
}
} Ask yourself, can you, a consistent Oracle user, afford NOT to take this
} offer?  Wont you enjoy the security of knowing your Oracle account is in
} the hands of the Oracle itself?
}
} Act now and well send you a free copy of the ORACLE'S GUIDE to the
} UNIVERSE and a beautiful assortment of Ginsu knives...
}
} Think it over....


105-06    (16483 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Would you please sing me a song about roaches and toasters?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yesterday,
} All the toasters seemed to far away.
} Now I'm under one, and it will stay.
} Oh I beleive in yesterday.
}
} Suddently,
} I'm not half the roach I used to be.
} There's a toaster lying over me.
} Oh toaster gray came suddently.
}
} Why it had to fall
} I don't know, it couldn't say.
} I ate something wrong
} Now I long for yesterday
}
} Yesterday,
} Hiding was an easy game to play.
} Now I'm flat and will be thrown away.
} Oh I beleive in yesterday.


105-07    (03559 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the etymological origins of the term toe cheese?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The word 'toe cheese' comes from the Japanese 'tochi' meaning 'green
} fungus which is embedded between the first and second metatarsal which
} comes from wearing the same pair of socks for more than three days and
} smells real funny and is green and sticky and the only way you can get
} rid of it is to sit in the bathtub for hours and wash and wash and
} wash and scrub and scrub' (Japanese is a real compact language, you
} know).
}
} Actually, tochi first originated in Japan due to the ninjutsu warriors
} who insisted on wearing the same silly uniform day after day after day
} without washing it.  This went on for several tens of years, until
} adversaries of the ninjustu complained to the Japanese government that
} the ninja warriors weren't washing their feet before kicking someone
} in the head.  After much debate, the ninjutsu compromised by washing
} their uniforms every day.
}
} Today, most of the world's tochi comes from computer programmers who
} sit at terminals for days on end debugging programs, and from a
} certain kind of farmer called 'tochitsu', which means 'he who tends to
} green fungus which is embedded between the first and second metatarsal
} which comes from wearing the same pair of socks for more than three
} days and smells real funny and is green and sticky and the only way
} you can get rid of it is to sit in the bathtub for hours and wash and
} wash and wash and scrub and scrub'.   Tochi is harvested by the
} tochitsu and exported worldwide.  It is used in many things, such as
} insect repellent, ant and roach spray, Weight Watchers' spinach
} quiche, and Tammy Faye Bakker's make-up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Raid.  And Tammy Faye's address.


105-08    (15763 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I eat, and I eat, and I eat.  I go to movies.  I ruminate frequently and
> at great length on novel uses for packing twine.  I have established a
> peaceful and mutually beneficial relationship with my toaster, as well
> as my accountant and my driveway.  When I move, I move with grace, and I
> count the moments until the Millenium.  I know that I am a "child of the
> universe" and I "have a right to be here" even though my digital watch
> ignores me when I sleep.  My cat...  well, I won't go into it.  My
> question is this:
>
>         Can rice be served on raw toast at family gatherings?
>         As a joke, I mean...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... let me check with some associates of mine.
}
} > Operator?
} # Yes?
} > Please connect me with the heavenly caffeteria, good taste and
} > practical jokes division.
} # Yes, sir.
}
} @ Hello? (chop, scream)
} > Yes, Great and Mighty Oracle here.  Do you know if it is considered
} > in good taste to serve rice on raw toast, as a joke.
} @ Huh? (chop, chop, grind, scream)
} > Rice on raw toast.
} @ Twice on saw post? (tear, pop, scream)
} > RICE ON RAW TOAST!
} @ Oh, rice on raw toast. (grind, sobbing, begging, scream)
} > Yes.
} @ Yes. (silence)
} > Yes.
} @ Yes. (creak)
} > Is it OK?!?
} @ Good question. (loud creak)
} > Let's here a good answer.
} @ Let me get my book. (CRASH! scream, scream)  "Rice on raw toast:
} considered to be quite a delicacy in some tribes in southern Africa.
} Not normally (sobbing) eaten in polite (yell) company.  Hey!  Keep it
} down back there!  It's flavor is completely uninteresting and
} unfunny."  There you have it.
} > Thanks.  By the way, what are you guys doing there?
} @ Uhhhhh.... just a little experimental cooking. (click!)
}
} There you have it.  You owe the oracle a megaphone and a cookbook.


105-09    (37660 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was watching Gilligan's Island the other day and I'm convinced now
> that both Gilligan and the Skipper are homosexuals and I was wondering
> if this is true because if I happened to be stranded on a island I
> certainly would have made a play for Mrs.  Howell (what a babe).
> Whaddaya think?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really!
}
} And what if they were?  You must learn to be more accepting, and to stop
} projecting your gender identity crisis onto loveable fictional
} characters who also happen to be cultural icons.  Reducing everyone
} (male or female) to sexual objects is socially unacceptable:  go work
} off your frustration on a video/pinball machine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Nintendo Arcade and a sensitivity session with Act
} Up.


105-10    (04657 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fianally I think I have found a chess opponent worthy of me.
> The almighty omniscient oracle. Being all knowing I will take the
> advantage of bein white.
>
> 1 e2-e4
>
> How do you respond?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, even though you are not using proper chess notation (Your proper
} notation should have been P-Q4), I shall analyze the game anyway.
}
} Analyzing.............................
}
} The Oracle has determined that you have won in 58 moves.  There is no
} possible way for me to overcome you.  Oracle resigns.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org