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Internet Oracularities #1050

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Internet Oracularities #1050    (78 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 20 Sep 1998 16:48:45 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1050
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1050  78 votes 8nncc bjlj8 7lami 4dqpa 1isq5 qmm62 8trb3 fto73 7gpjb bimha
1050  2.9 mean  3.0   2.9   3.3   3.3   3.2   2.2   2.6   2.4   3.1   3.0


1050-01    (8nncc dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, who could easily explain the infield fly rule,
>
> Babe Ruth hit 60 home runs in 154 games.
>
> Roger Maris hit 61 home runs, but it took him 162 games to do it.
>
> Mark McGwire hit 62 home runs in only 144 games, but he's been using a
> muscle-enhancing substance all season.
>
> So who's the best home run hitter of all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *sigh*
}
} Dear supplicant, I'm afraid this brings back bad memories from my
} misspent youth working as the Pony Express Oracle back in the 1800's.
} You see back then our filing system was a little more primitive and I
} managed to mix up the following two questions:
}
} > I say, Oracle old chum, how can we make the game of rounders more
} > interesting for the spectators?
} >
} > Your obedient servant,
} > Lt. John Spotherington, Rtd
} > Basingstoke, England
}
} and
}
} > Howdy Orrie, how can we make the game of rounders more interesting
} > for these here spectators?
} >
} > Yours sincerely,
} > Jefferson Smith, IV
} > New York, New York
}
} Now for the first supplicant, I devised a fast-paced game, with short
} innings, where the field could get wet without interrupting play, and
} which could be finished quickly.  Ideal for England with its summer
} rains and which would allow the rather straight-laced upper classes
} relax a little as they got into the action.
}
} For the second I devised a game ideal for the long, warm, dry summer
} days of North America, a slower game, more gentle, allowing the country
} folk to relax over a period of 5 days, and yet be entertained as subtle
} strategies played themselves out.
}
} The first I gave a fast, hard-hitting name: Baseball!
} Pow! Wham!  Exciting or what!
}
} The second I gave a name which evokes warm summer nights: Cricket.
} Doesn't it just make you want to sit out on the stoop and listen to
} the sounds of the night?
}
} And then I swapped the answers to the two supplicants.  Perfectly
} understandable mistake, I'm sure you'll agree, given the similarity
} of the questions.
}
} So the answer to your question was meant to be: Sir Donald Bradman,
} that young man who grew up in rural New South Wales in the 1920's
} and whose astounding ability with the bat led him to fame and fortune
} as leader of the upstart Australian baseball team in their titanic
} struggle for the Ashes of English baseball.  During the 1937 season
} he smashed an amazing 99 home runs in 125 games, falling just one short
} of the magic 100 before the Australians had to steam home.
}
} You owe the Oracle an analysis of who was the better batsman:
} Sir Donald Bradman, who scored 6996 runs at an average of 99.94 in 52
} matches, Allan Border, who scored 11174 runs at an average of 50.56 in
} 156 matches, or Bruce Reid, who scored 93 runs at an average of 4.65 in
} 23 matches.


1050-02    (bjlj8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Shhh!  Be vewwy vewwy qwiet.  I'm hunting woodchucks!  Hahahahaha!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Oracle appears with a rifle, slogging through
} the forest. A woodchuck jumps through the air,
} and the Oracle fires: BLAM BLAM BLAM!, but
} misses.]
}
} Oracle (V.O): Are you tired of hunting those elusive
}               woodchucks?
}
} [puts rifle down and does an exaggerated foot
} stomp for the camera]
}
}              Does the sound of chucking wood
}              irritate your bowels and set your
}              hair on end?
}
} [A pile of wood, with wood being chucked
} onto it. SFX of screaming, tormented souls
} and bad punk music]
}
}         Do you hate having to tally up the amount
}         of wood that has been chucked?
}
} [Oracle again, with a look of TV-sales despair
} and a piece of chucked wood in each hand]
}
}         Then you need the
}         <booming voice> WOODCHUCK BLASTER TWO THOUSAND!!
}         </booming voice>
}
} [WOODCHUCK BLASTER TWO THOUSAND appears magically
} in Oracle's hands, with the pieces of wood already
} on the ground. Woops. That one slipped past the
} film editor ...]
}
}         Yes! It slices! It dices! It does karaoke
}         impressions of Michael Jackson!
}
} [New scene; a studio with a spot-lit
} WOODCHUCK BLASTER TWO THOUSAND sitting
} on a rotating pedestal. It stops, and
} Lisa appears in a skimpy bunny suit,
} leans seductively on the WOODCHUCK
} BLASTER TWO THOUSAND, pouting her lips
} and running her hands over it]
}
} Oracle (V.O) Just one shot with the WOODCHUCK BLASTER
}              TWO THOUSAND and you'll never have problems
}              with woodchucks again!
}
} [Zadoc appears. He says his lines without
} any enthusiasm]
}
} Zadoc: Yeah, but howdisiwork.
}
} [ZOT!!!!]
}
} Zadoc: Yes, oh mighty Oracle, I am most humbly
}        awed with this almighty contraption
}        that you have blessed with the holy
}        name of WOODCHUCK BLASTER TWO THOUSAND,
}        but verily, how does this Oracular
}        masterpiece work?
}
} [A labyrinthine diagram appears. The Oracle is
} next to it in a white lab coat. "Dr Ora Cull -
} Woodchuck Blasting Expert" appears on the botto
} of the screen]
}
} Oracle: Well, as you can see, the WOODCHUCK
}         BLASTER TWO THOUSAND uses a cutting-
}         edge Kx propulsion system to fire it's
}         projectile-
}
} [Zadoc appears again and squints at the diagram]
}
} Zadoc:  Hey! It's a rubber band!
}
} [Oracle confused]
}
} Oracle: Hey! That's not in the script!!
}
} [Another ZOT. Zadoc slithers away]
}
} Oracle: Anyhow, it has one feature that its
}         competitors (such as B. Bunnyco's
}         CONFUSED FUDD MASTER or Slowco's
}         WOODCHUCK BAIT'N'WAIT'N'WAIT'N...)
}         do not have.
}
} [pregnant hush]
}
} Lisa:   It's sleek, sexy design?
}
} Oracle: No.
}
} Zadoc (gravelly): It's sheer zotistical power?
}
} Oracle: That too, but no.
}
} Og: Og!
}
} Oracle: er ... no ...
}
} Lisa: Then what is it?
}
} Oracle: It's the WOODCHUCK BLASTER TWO THOUSAND,
}         Lisa, and-
}
} Lisa (annoyed): I know that! What's this feature?
}
} Oracle: Oh, that.
}
} [Demonstrates on supplicant. Zadoc writes 'bravo'
} with his ashes, Og hits himself, and Lisa claps
} appreciatively]
}
} Oracle: It *zots* supplicants who say "Woodchuck",
}         automatically compensating for intertextual
}         references and geeky 'in' jokes.
}
} Lisa: Wow! I just *can't wait* to get one!
}
} Director: CUT!!!
}
} Oracle: Oh thank *god* for- er, thank *me* for- er...
}         oh, stuff it.
}
} Director: That was beeyootiful, Mr O. Everything
}           was just perfect. Can we do it again,
}           though, with just a few less peeks at
}           your lines, hmm?
}
} Oracle: Grrrrrrrr ...
}
} [ZOTs Director with WOODCHUCK BLASTER TWO
} THOUSAND]
}
} Oracle: I swear, this thing will BLOW the NEXT
}         PERSON who mentions 'woodchuck' TO HELL!
}
} Og: Uh ... Or-a-kul?
}
} Oracle: Yes, Og?
}
} Og: What is 'wood-chuk'?
}
} You owe the Oracle Elmer Fudd's gun and a rubber
} band for his WOODCHUCK BLASTER TWO THOUSAND. And
} something to aid his digestion would be nice, too.


1050-03    (7lami dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Oracle, Oracle, Oracle, Oracle,
> whose name slips so deliciously from the tongue that I could
> just repeat it over and over rather than eat fine chocolate,
> please answer this question which has your most humble
> supplicant so worried:
>
> How long before the escalation of office Nerf Warfare
> produces a major worldwide conflict?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It already has, supplicant. It already has.
}
} The date: Three weeks ago
} The time: 2:00 AM, local time.
} The place: War Strategy room, Military headquarters,
}            Moscow, Russia.
} The scene: Chaos. Twelve generals are vying for position,
}            each accompanied by an aid.
}
} Aid #1 [Looking at large monitor]: There it is again!
}
} General #7: It may have just been a bird, or something.
}             It doesn't have to...
}
} General #1 [Interrupting]: No, there it is again.
}
} General #4: But what does it mean?
}
} Aid #4: It could be American fighters, sir.
}
} General #1: Well, I don't know, really.
}
} General #4: I think that it could be American fighters.
}
} General #1: I never thought of that.  But what shall we do?
}
} Aid #6: Sir, we should try to contact the Americans.
}         See if they know anything.
}
} General #7: I still think it could be a bird, or something.
}
} Aid #7: We should try to find out.
}
} General #7: But I'm not sure, of course. We should try to find
}             out.
}
} General #6: We should try to contact the Americans. See if they
}             know anything.
}
} General #7: Perhaps.
}
} Aid #1: That sounds like an excellent suggestion, sir.
}
} General #1: Well, that sounds like an excellent suggestion.
}
} Aid #4: Then let's do it.
}
} General #4: Then let's do it.
}
} Aid #7: We really should do it.
}
} General #7: We really should do it.
}
} [Long pause, while nothing happens.]
}
} Aid #4: Let's send someone, right now.
}
} General #4: So, what are we waiting for? Let's send someone,
}             right now.
}
} Aid #6: Sir, you do it.
}
} General #6: I'll volunteer. [Leaves room]
}
} Aid #9: Well, we shouldn't do anything until General Yatcha
}         returns.
}
} General #9: Has General Yatcha returned yet?
}
} Aid #4: He just this second left the room! Give him a minute!
}
} General #9: Does anyone know? Has General Yatcha returned yet?
}
} General #4: He just this second left the room! Give him a
}             minute!
}
} [Long pause where nobody speaks]
}
} Aid #6: [whispering] Do they say EVERYTHING we tell them to say?
}
} Aid #7: I don't know. It sure seems like it.
}
} General #7: I don't know. It sure seems like it.
}
} Aid #6: Hey, this could be fun!
}
} Aid #1: Sir, I think you have to go to the bathroom.
}
} General #6: [smiling at monitor] This could actually be fun!
}
} General #1 [standing] If you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I think I
}            have to go to the bathroom.
}
} Aid #8: Sir, you should go with him.
}
} General #8 [standing] Michael! Wait up; I'll go with you!
}
} Aid #2: It looks like *all* of the Generals have to go!
}
} General #2 [standing] Let's all go!
}
} [They all leave]
}
} Aid #6: Now what?
}
} Aid #5: Now we do anything we want, until they come back!
}
} Aid #8: Maybe we could send them all to bed?
}
} Aid #3: Whatever we do, we have to do it quick. My general can
}         perform a strict military pee in 22 seconds.
}
} Aid #5: I know, I know! American Consumer Goods! Now's our
}         chance!
}
} Aid #7: Oh yes. I've been saving an American catalog since they
}         were all capatilist pigs!
}
} Aid #4: [Laughs at this]
}
} Aid #7: Here it is, the ultimate description of depravity and
}         consumerism: The Sears Mail-Order Catalog.
}
} Aid #1: Blue jeans! Blue jeans!
}
} Aid #4: [Still laughing]
}
} Aid #3: Digital Cameras!
}
} Aid #9: American women standing in their underwear!
}
} Aid #5: Sony Playstation!
}
} Aid #4: Hey, that isn't American, it's Japanese!
}
} Aid #5: Who cares? Every American family owns two, so I want one
}         too!
}
} Aid #9: Hey, what was that?
}
} Aid #5: What was what?
}
} Aid #9: It looked like a gun. But I thought you were in the toys.
}
} Aid #5: It's a toy gun. Wait a second. [Taking out
}         Russian-English dictionary]
}
} Aid #6: That will take too long. Give it to me. [Reading]
}         It's a gun, but the ammunition is made from FOAM!
}
} Aid #9: A foam gun?
}
} Aid #7: Well, not really. It doesn't actually squirt foam at you.
}         It shoots little missles made from foam. I have one.
}
} Aid #3: You liar!
}
} Aid #7: No, really. I have one. My cousin from America came to
}         visit three years ago. He brought the gun with him. It
}         is called "NERF" which is American contraction. My
}         cousin said it means "NERD FOAM".
}
} Aid #11: That doesn't sound right. The American word for Nerd
}         is "DWEEB" and the American word for Foam is
}         "STYROFOAM." If that's what it meant, they would call
}         it DWEEROFOAM instead of NERF.
}
} Aid #7: All I know is, that's what my cousin told me. Why would
}         he lie?
}
} Aid #3: I told you he was a liar.
}
} Aid #7: Oh, yeah?
}
} Aid #3: Go on, prove it, I dare you!
}
} Aid #7: Alright, I will! Wait right here! [Leaves]
}
} Aid #1: He really does have an American cousin. I was with him
}         when he visited.
}
} Aid #3: And did he tell you what NERF meant?
}
} [Generals return]
}
} Aid #1: I don't know. I wasn't there for that part.
}
} General #1: Gentlemen, I wasn't there for that part.
}
} Aid #6: Sir, what did you find out from the Americans?
}
} General #6: Well, now what did we find out from the Americans?
}
} Aid #6: You should tell them now.
}
} General #6: Oh, that's right, let me tell you. I contacted the
}             Americans. They said it was a Russian commuter
}             plane. Good thing we didn't shoot it down, huh?
}
} General #2: Is it too late to shoot it down?
}
} Aid #2: No, sir, you don't want to shoot it down. It's a false
}         alarm.
}
} Aid #6: It's late. We should all get some sleep.
}
} General #2: You know, I really don't think we *should* shoot
}             it down. It's probably a false lamp.
}
} Aid #2: Alarm.
}
} General #2: ALARM! ALARM! What's going on?
}
} Aid #2: False alarm, sir. It's just a false alarm.
}
} Aid #4: We should *ALL* get some sleep.
}
} General #2: Don't scare me like that! I think it was just
}             another false alarm. We've had a lot of those today!
}
} General #6: It's late. We should all get some sleep. What do you
}             think, Jakob?
}
} General #7: [Looks for his aid, can't find him] Think? Think?
}             Uh, think... Hmmm...
}
} Aid #7 [returning] A-HA! [Shoots NERF arrow into the room] I'll
}        blast you all into the sky!
}
} General #7: A-HA! Blast them all into the sky! [Presses button]
}
} So you see, supplicant, a little Nerf can be a dangerous thing.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Super-Soaker 5000.


1050-04    (4dqpa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, Whos brain is large enough to aquire all the
> knowlage of a 1119 page instruction manual and explain it to the meek
> who have great hopes with little substance, How can I convince windows
> 98 to network with an ancient windows 95 token ring ?? Or should I
> snake new cables through the whole building and start from scratch with
> an ethernet ??
>
> Desprate,
> Blafienemo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Supplicant, Your heart is in the right place, but I see you still
} have much to learn.
} The problem here, as I see it, is that you are approaching this task
} from the wrong angle.  Your end goal is "How do I make the users on
} this network happy".  If you've been paying attention to the article of
} Rhod, your goal should instead be "How do I make my position secure,
} with as little work as possible, while hopefully obtaining the largest
} amount of tribute, So that I may spend more time in service to the
} Oracle".
}
} Once we look at it from this point of view, the solution is, of course,
} Obvious:
}
} Step one:  Modify all computers so they use the "Please wait while
} Windows98 starts" instead of the "Please wait while Windows95 starts"
} splash screen. The users will never notice any other difference between
} the two, anyway.
}
} Step two:  Charge the company a nominal fee of 89 dollars per computer
} to purchase "Upgrade" licenses of Windows 98.  Send half of this to the
} Oracle, pocket the rest.
}
} Step three:  Climb up in the cielings, through the walls, and into wire
} closets.  Claim the company now runs on "Fast Ethernet", and that you
} have completed the rewiring yourself, since the old wiring was
} incompatible with Windows98, which is the new standard.  Charge the
} company for several hubs, switches, and a couple miles of Ethernet
} cable.  Send half of this to the Oracle, pocket the remainder.  (NOTE:
} A truly enterprising Rhodite would accomplish the "rewiring" in the
} evenings/weekends, thus obtaining overtime pay for time spent cruising
} the local bars.)
}
} Step four:  Secure your position.  Anytime anyone attempts to bring up
} a Win98 machine on the network, and fails, give several loud snorts,
} act annoyed, then "upgrade" the computer to your "Special" version of
} windows (See step one).  Mention that you can't belive that you are the
} only one able to fix anything on this network.
}
} Before too long, the users will hail you as a deity.  Problem solved,
} money made, and everyone is happy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cut of the profits, and a subscription to the
} "Bastard Operator from Hell (BOFH)" newsletter.


1050-05    (1isq5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      BEIJING (AP) -- China's struggling state-owned industries need
>      advanced computer systems to sort out their management woes and
>      compete in world markets, IBM Corp. Chairman and CEO Louis V.
>      Gerstner said today.
>
> How amazing that IBM's chairman thinks computers will solve all the
> world's woes! Woeless Oracle, who nonetheless knows woe like none
> other,
>
> What would *You* recommend to winnow away all wordly woes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What the world needs now is love sweet love. I kid you not
} supplicant. Here's my Oracular five-point program for increasing
} productivity with a more loving workplace:
}
} 1. Share your feelings. Letting co-workers know that you care
} and support them will boost their feelings of self worth,
} regardless of the thankless tasks that are hoisted down on
} them through the corporate food chain. Tell the person in the
} cubicle next to you that you feel their pain and can sympathize
} with their plight at least once a day.
}
} Ex:
} Greg: "Bob, I've been in the cubicle next to you for three years
} now, and I feel your pain and can sympathize with your plight."
} Bob: "Sniff, thanks Greg! I love you man!"
}
} 2. Management should use endearing terms when referring to
} subordinates. A nickname system should be put into place to
} individualize each employee, since using last names tends to
} leave employees feeling generalized.
}
} Ex:
} Boss: "Jennings, from now on I will no longer refer to you by
} your last name."
} Jennings: "Thanks boss."
} Boss: "From now on I will call you shnookems."
}
} 3. Delicate matters MUST be dealt with using a maximum amount
} of concern. Never, under any circumstances, should a boss
} appear emotionally detached from his underlings.
}
} Ex:
} Boss: "Honeypoo, you've been with this company for fourteen
} years and your performance has been ideal. That is why it
} hurts me so much to have to tell you that we have video
} footage of you stealing supplies and we're sending you to
} jail."
}
} 4. Business trips should be planned and coordinated to avoid
} stuffy, traditional accomodations. Travelling employees should
} not be placed in plain, ordinary hotels, no matter how good
} the amenities may be. Instead, the business traveller should
} rest his or her head in cozy motels with friendly names like
} the "Love Nest Inn," or the "Swank Room."
}
} Ex:
} "Honey, I've reached Chicago. If you need me, I'm in room 15
} at the China Doll Ranch."
}
} 5. Business attire must no longer be limited to drab solids
} or stripes. Bright, fanciful patterns should be the norm, with
} the majority of the business wardrobe featuring bright, pastel
} colors.
}
} Ex:
} Chuck: "Hey Rick, I love that pink tie. Are those paisleys?"
} Rick: "Actually, if you look closely, they're little monkeys
} in lingerie."
}
} So you see, supplicant, my fool-proof plan can only bring
} happiness and increased productivity to the workplace. We
} should all just come together.
}
} You owe me the newly revised Hewlett Packard Employee
} Conduct Handbook featuring my platform.


1050-06    (qmm62 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> mighty oracle,
>
> How can the knights of the parabolic table defeat FS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Their only chance is to confuse FS with hyperbole.


1050-07    (8trb3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to find the secret
> lair of the Internet Oracle Queue Drainer and eliminate him without
> being detected.  If you or any of your team is captured or killed,
> the government will disavow any knowledge of your actions.  Good
> Luck.   This message will self destruct in 5 seconds.....
>
> <suspenseful music plays>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The young acolyte looked at the message and trembled in her boots.
} This was her first assignment from the Oracle after she had stumbled
} upon the mysterious and solemn cult of r.h.o.d and finally decided to
} join their ranks.  Perhaps this was why some posters had stats so high
} and others posted once or twice, then vanished -- those who were
} regulars had survived mission like this one.  It was time to prove her
} worthiness to the harsh but fair Oracle.
}
} She wandered down to the temple where other, luckier, alcolytes dusted
} statues.  She passed through a line of supplicants having various body
} parts pierced in hopes of escaping the next area of the temple -- where
} priests prepared those less fortunate to be the guest of honor, not to
} mention the main course, at the sinister worship sessions for the least
} forgiving of deities.  After cleansing herself through rituals arcane
} and painful, she entered the darkest, scariest, and most holy area of
} the temple -- the computer room.
}
} Cold as death, gloomy, with the bones of victims past chained to the
} wall illuminated by the glow of many screens, and the slaves who had
} replaced them typing away, chains clacking; this was one room the
} acolyte had wished to avaoid for as long as possible.  She could almost
} feel the clammy fingers of the dreaded queue drainer about her throat,
} and moved her hand there instinctively.  Nothing.  It was just her
} imagination.  But then she heard a sound, above and beyond that of the
} unfortunate incarnations and above and beyond the rustling of her robe
} as she trembled.  A soft, hissing sound, that of something beyond evil
} sneaking around.
}
} A sudden yelp from one of the supplicants was followed by ominous
} silence as all stopped.  Quickly enough they resumed, before the priest
} with the whip appeared, but the typing was different now.  From one
} terminal came a repetitive clacking and beeping.  The legendary
} Midnight Queue Drainer was at work, doing its nefarious deeds in place
} of the poor deceased incarnation.  Recieve, type stupid reply, delete,
} went the pattern.  The acolyte began slowly and hopefully silently
} approaching the area from which the MQD was performing its awful task.
} She approached, and only at the last moment did she catch in her
} peripheral vision something sneaking up behind her, before everything
} went dark.
}
} Report received from Oracular Priest, on this the fnertlist frek of
} your most August rule: Another acolyte has yet again disappeared.  We
} have no idea why she did it, but there are several reports from
} eyewitnesses which place her as heading toward the computer room.  In
} other news, there appears to be yet another Midnight Queue Drainer at
} work.  We have no idea how they're reproducing so quickly.
}
} You owe the Oracle another acolyte.


1050-08    (fto73 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Interdepartmental Memo
>
> From:  Programming Department
> To:    Internet Oracle
> Date:  1998-09-15
>
> As you know, here at the programming department, we are moving towards
> upgrading all procedures and systems.  As a result of this, you may
> notice a few small changes in the operating environments.  This memo
> discusses a few of the more obvious ones.
>
> First, as a result of our new emphasis on object-oriented technology,
> Og is being replaced with OOg.  We believe that you will find OOg to
> have all of Og's sophistication and user-friendliness, but intensified.
>  Also as part of this, Zadoc is being upgraded to ZadoC++.
>
> Second, the user interface will be simplified.  A full GUI is being
> implemented, with the intention of letting supplicants enjoy the ease
> of use of a WYSIWIG (What You See Is What I'll Grovel) front end while
> you will be able to increase your throughput with point-and-ZOT
> technology.
>
> Finally, we've implemented a system we call Multi-Application Reliable
> Measurement Of Tasks (MARMOT).  MARMOT shows a great deal of promise in
> increasing efficiency.  We're alpha testing it right now with the
> LumberToss algorithm and are really excited about it.  We expect that
> with MARMOT, we'll know how much gets done (always a good thing at
> review time, I'm sure you'll agree).
>
> We estimate that these changes will require no more than a minimal
> system upgrade -- most users should be able to get by with no more than
> a Pentium II 400, 128MB RAM and only 4.5GB of free disk space.
>
> If you have any questions, please call our department.
>
> Chuck Wood, Head of Programming

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chuck,
}
} Wow! This is one impressive setup! I think you de^AT+++
}
} NO CARRIER


1050-09    (7gpjb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To: Mr. I. Oracle
> From: James Callahan, Atty.
> Re: Cease and Desist Order
> Grovel: None
>
> On behalf of my clients, the World Organization Out to Get Entirely Rid
> of *ZOT*s (WOOGERZ), this e-mail is to inform you of an official cease
> and desist order filed in the Indiana state courts this afternoon.
>
> As you are aware from the numerous protests that have been occuring
> outside of your mansion these past few years, the WOOGERZ strongly
> believe that *ZOT*ting is inhumane, particularly to the *ZOT*tee, who
> frequently suffers from singed hair, blurred vision, and PTZD
> (post-traumatic *ZOT* disorder). Also, several scientific studies have
> shown *ZOT*s have a deleterious effect on the ozone layer and may in
> some areas contribute to acid rain.
>
> You are hereby ordered to cease all *ZOT*ting altogether. Ideally, we
> would like you to stop all long-distance zapping, but we will settle
> for a less harmful alternative (such as <BORT!>)
>
> Sincerely,
> James "Smokey" Callahan
> Callahan, Callahan, Callahan, and McCallahan, Attorneys at Law

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Singed hair, blurred vision, and PTZD"? Is that all? HOI! ZADOC. TURN
} UP THE POWER OF THE ZOT RAY!
}
} > Excuse ME Mr Oracle. You were ordered to cease and desist, not turn
} > up the power. Are you going to respond to my request, or not. If you
} > don't stop ZOTTING people immediately....
}
} Would you like to try answering a few questions then? See how long you
} can go without Zotting anyone.
}
} > Sure, let me at them.
}
} OK, here's one:
}
} >> O wise Oracle, thou whose fingers can vibrate faster than the wings
} >> of a honeybee. Please tell me how I may best please a woman?
}
} And you don't want to ZOT him?
}
} > Of course not. Let's see. A gentle massage. If you don't know, she
} > wont mind if you practice on her, as long as you are gentle. Soft
} > kisses, alternating with harder, more passionate ones. Gently
} > nuzzling her all over. When you think you've given her enough
} > foreplay, give her some more. Hold her, squeeze her. Tell her you
} > love her. Take her mind off the trivialities of the day and take her
} > to cloud nine. And think only of her. True pleasure for a man is only
} > possible when his partner also experiences pleasure.
}
} OK, I've sent it. But you didn't want to ZOT him? You can use this
} button.
}
} > Why should I want to ZOT him? What twisted logic courses through your
} > brain. I feel happy that I've bought a little more joy to somewhere
} > in the world. ZOT? Why?
}
} Because he's your wife's lover.
}
} >  /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ ZOT ZOT ZOT ZOT \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
} > .....
} > oops!
}
} You see. I think a legal defence of provocation is appropriate.
}
} > How right you are. How right you are. Who could excuse a man for
} > ZOTTING in such circumstances as those
}
} Of course. Would you mind reading this piece of paper?
}
} > Paper? Hmmm. "How much wood would a woodch


1050-10    (bimha dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracel whose pocket change could feed all of Sally Struthers
> children
>
> My boyfriend mentioned to me that he liked a beer I had never heard
> of, Labatt's Blue.  Not knowing the great evil I was about to unleash
> I brought some home for him.  The odor that now fills the house and
> him is so vile I'm staying with my parents.  I love my boyfriend and
> don't want to lose him.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, lets see, all you need to do is...hmm, oops, that wasn't meant
} for me, although I've never heard of this "Oracel" character. You must
} mean the Oracell.
}
} [A small plastic figure arrives on scene. A copper-and-black colored
} battery protrudes from its back]
}
} ORACELL: Nothing powers your life like ORACELL!
}
} ORACLE: Well, yes, thats good, but I have a supplicant here with a
} question for you...
}
} ORACELL: You can't top the copper top!
}
} ORACLE: Cell, the question...
}
} ORACELL: Scientific studies show that the wand of ZAP outlasts the wand
}        of ZOT in nearly all applications!
}
} ORACLE: Watch it there now, would you like to test that?
}
} ORACELL: Oh, uhmm, okay what was the question?
}
} ORACLE: Some chick's boyfriend drinks Labatt's Blue, and she can't
}       stand the odor, but doesn't want to break up with him. She needs
}       your help.
}
} ORACELL: Oh, thats easy, just tell her to...
}
} [Suddenly, out of nowhere, there appears a mechanical woodchuck beating
} a drum]
}
} ORACLE: <ZOT!!>
}
} ORACELL: <ZAP!!>
}
} [The two bolts of energy collide, creating a horrendous explosion. Both
} Oracle and Oracell slink off in embarrassment]
}
} VOICEOVER: Nothing outlasts the Energizer Woodchuck. It just keeps
}          asking and asking and asking...


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