} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 1998 10:25:07
} INTERNET ORACLE CHARGED WITH FRAUD
} Indiana -- An acclaimed Internet advice columnist was arrested Monday
} on charges of impersonating an omniscient.
} T. Internet Oracle, formerly known as T. Usenet Oracle, was apprehended
} in his pallatial compound early Monday morning by the Indiana Board of
} Investigations, who had been wiretapping his Internet communications to
} obtain evidence of "psychic fraud," according to Special Agent Jay
} "Smokey" Bakonberger.
} "We received an anonymous tip that T. Usenet Oracle was doling out
} advice to citizens and public officials, claiming to be some kind of
} all-knowing psychic," Bakonberger said. "We tapped him for three days,
} until we recorded him telling one of his 'supplicants' there would be a
} comet strike in Pittsburgh, PA on Sunday, September 20th. He then
} demanded payment for his 'services' in the form of a shoe horn and two
} bits of thread."
} "After the day in question arrived with no comet strike, we swarmed the
} compound and arrested Mr. Oracle on the charge of impersonating a
} psychic for purposes of fraud," Bakonberger said.
} Zadoc, one of Mr. Oracle's personal assistants, said he was relieved by
} the arrest.
} "Hoi! It's about time," Zadoc said. "This guys a real wierd-o! I mean,
} sick! Y'know, he refers to me and [fellow assistant] Kinzler his
} 'priests,' like he's some god or something. Whoo-hoo! Earth to Orrie?!?
} Like, are you home, or something?"
} T. Internet Oracle, on advice of his lawyers, did not comment.
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 10:31:52
} WILDCAT STRIKE AT COMET PLANT
} Pittsburgh, PA -- Workers for Comet, makers of the popular "Comet"
} scrub cleaner, have staged a walk-out, bringing production to a
} Larry P. "Woody" Woodson, president of the International Abrasive
} Cleaner Workers Union (I.A.C.W.U), said the strike vote was taken by
} union members in secret last Sunday night. The symbolic "walk-out" took
} place early Sunday morning, as workers burned their time cards and
} marched out of the plant.
} "We're sick of this," Woodson said. "We eat, sleep, breathe, live
} Comet. This crap gets under your fingernails, in your clothes, in your
} nostrils. We work, work, work, and for what? Exhorbitantly large union
} wages? Well, yeah, sure, but that's just not enough. Look at these
} fingernails, would you? We want gloves, dang it all! Gloves!"
} Comet executives, on advice of their lawyers, did not comment.
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 11:04:41
} INTERNET ORACLE FREED FROM JAIL
} Indiana -- "Oops," commented Special Agent J. "Smokey" Bakonberger of
} the Indiana Bureau of Investigatons. "My bad."
} Internet advice columnist T. Internet Oracle, shortly after being
} arrested on psychic fraud charges, was released from incarceration
} Monday morning. The IBI, who arrested Oracle after claims that a comet
} would strike Pittsburgh, said they thought he meant a planetoid-sized
} ball of ice, and not a popular abrasive cleanser.
} Oracle was released when news broke of a strike in Pittsburgh at the
} Comet Industries plant, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Oracle
} was, in fact, all-seeing and all-knowing.
} "I wasn't worried," said Oracle in a press conference. "I knew I'd beat
} the rap. I'm omniscient, remember?"
} The IBI, on advice of their lawyers, would not comment.
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 13:42:11
} ORACLE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT & BATTERY
} Indiana -- Just hours after being released from jail, T. Internet
} Oracle, noted Internet advice columnist and alleged omniscient, was
} arrested yet again in his pallatial mansion in Indiana, this time for
} assault and battery.
} According to IBI agent Jay "Smokey" Bakonberger, shortly after arriving
} home, Oracle began assaulting members of his so-called "priesthood,"
} who he had caught in the act of making use of his hot tub, sauna,
} exercise equipment, entertainment center, and liquor cabinets,
} according to Bakonberger.
} "Mr. Oracle, in his assaults, used what he called a <*ZOT*>, which is
} apparently some kind of weapon or martial art technique. The IBI is
} investigating this weapon, or whatever, to find out more about it,"
} said Bakonberger.
} Oracular "priest" Zadoc, whom Oracle had <*ZOT*>ted a total of 17
} times, was rushed to Indiana State Hospital with first- and
} second-degree burns. Oracle apparently had caught Zadoc in the act of
} calling in phony allegations about Oracle to the IBI while eating
} Oracle's "Banana Pudding Ice Cream" and using his computer to write
} "love poems" to Oracle's significant other, Lisa.
} The Internet Oracle could be reached for comment. "It's worth the
} misdemeanor charge!" he said.
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 1998 17:26:01
} SUPPLICANT OWES ORACLE TWO PINTS OF "BANANA PUDDING ICE CREAM"