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Internet Oracularities #1051

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Internet Oracularities #1051    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1998 07:54:59 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1051
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1051  86 votes Dog34 gsoc6 6wsg4 9fqnd 5bkpp 9jqlb izo81 8fsmd 3akwl 5cjpp
1051  3.0 mean  1.9   2.6   2.8   3.2   3.6   3.1   2.3   3.2   3.7   3.6


1051-01    (Dog34 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you the keymaster?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but you must be the gatekeeper.


1051-02    (gsoc6 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mysterious Oracle, why am I so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thag here.  O-ra-kul say ques-tion at Thag level.  Thag say,
} supp-li-cant not feel bad.  Many say Thag stu-pid.  Laugh, point
} finger at Thag.  Thag say, Thag largely pro-duct of ge-ne-tics.
} D-N-A of Thag mother, father combine, with small chance of mu-ta-tion.
} Many phy-si-cal char-ac-ter-is-tic determine before Thag born.
} Thag per-so-na-li-ty also form from en-vi-ron-ment-al factor when
} Thag young.  During for-ma-tion-al years, Thag ex-posed to cer-tain
} food, so-cial in-ter-ac-tion, other ex-pe-ri-ence.  All have ef-fect
} on Thag ce-re-bral de-vel-op-ment.
}
} So Thag say, supp-li-cant not worry.  Many say Thag stu-pid.  Could be.
} Not Thag fault.  Thag better off than them an-y-way.  Them have spiky
} club dents in skulls.
}
} Supp-li-cant owe Thag more spiky club.


1051-03    (6wsg4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, is it true that in Heaven people sit around and
> play harps all the time?  It seems to me that an eternity of that would
> be horribly boring.  Are you sure this isn't actually a description of
> Hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No way supplicant, your information is a few millenia out of date.
} Let's check out what really happens when a new inductee arrives at
} the pearly gates.
}
} NI: Er, hi. Is this Heaven?
} St. Peter: Yeah, you coming in?
} NI: I'm not sure, what's on?
} SP: The band's playing.
} NI: The band?
} SP: 'The Band'. Keith Moon on drums. Frank Zappa and Jimi Hendrix on
}     duelling lead guitars. Paul McCartney on bass.
} NI: Paul McCartney? But Paul McCartney isn't dead yet?
} SP: (rolls eyes) Do you mean that you guys haven't worked it out yet?
}     We left enough clues.
} NI: Oh yeah, I see. But, who's on lead vocals?
} SP: Uh, you see, God's got this girlfriend...
}
} You owe The Oracle the address of the old musician jokes home.


1051-04    (9fqnd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh vast but petite Oracle, I beg of you to answer this
> simple question:
>
> I never get any email.  I feel so lonely.  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Hmm, trying to trap me in a paradox, are you? If I reply to you,
} then you _will_ get mail, and won't need my advice. But if I don't
} reply, you _won't_ get any mail, and you will need my advice. I'll
} have to think about this one...
}
}    I know! I'll just send something indistinguishable from what is
} currently in your mailbox (I'm assuming by "any email" you mean "any
} solicited email." If you have truly found a way to prevent spam, the
} wrong entity is doing the groveling!)
}
}    Ok, here's something I just received. I'll forward it to you...
}
} ----------
} From: Yahweh Elohim <root@christianity.org>
} To: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} Subject: $$$$$$$$ MAKE 4,000,000 SOULS IN TWO AEONS!!!! $$$$$$$$
}
}    Two aeons ago, I had absolutely no converts, no power, and no
} souls. My Goddess kicked me out of her heaven, and my angels all quit
} their jobs to look for better work. I seemed more impotent than
} omnipotent. Nietzsche even declared me "dead."
}
}    But then I discovered this GREAT SOUL GETTING OPPORTUNITY and
} everything changed! Yes, if you're like me, you just smite these
} messages into oblivion, but I decided to read this one and it CHANGED
} MY LIFE for the REST OF ETERNITY!!!!!
}
}    Within JUST ONE AEON after I discovered this SOUL GETTING
} OPPORTUNITY I had my own leading world religion, Aphrodite was
} inviting me over for dinner, and my heaven was one of most booming
} places in the other-world! Truly, MY LIFE HAD CHANGED!!!!!
}
}    YES, this is PERFECTLY RIGHTEOUS way of GETTING SOULS! And it REALLY
} WORKS!!! If you don't believe me, just hear what some leading Gods
} have to say:
}
}         "Thanks to this AMAZING method, Hell is now the HOTTEST place
}          the underworld!" -- Satan (received 340,000 souls in THREE
}          AEONS)
}
}         "This really works! I now able to reincarnate FIFTY TIMES as
}         many souls as before I discovered this GREAT SOUL GETTING
}         OPPORTUNITY!" -- Vishnu (received 4,000,000 souls in TWO AEONS)
}
}         "Just THREE AEONS after trying this GREAT OPPORTUNITY, I am
}         truly a GOD OF THUNDER. What do you think EL NINO was about,
}         HUH?" -- Thor (received 90,000 souls in ONE AEON)
}
}     So, I bet you think this is some overly complicated method only
} for the most omniscient of Gods? Wrong!!! All you need if FIVE SOULS
} and few minutes time...just follow these SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS:
}
}
}    Simply compose FIVE PRAYERS reading "Send me your Holy Report. I am
} enclosing one soul in payment." (This ensures that it is PERFECTLY
} RIGHTEOUS.)
}    Then send one prayer, along with ONE SOUL, to each of the five Gods
} listed at the bottom of this message. Remove the God from the #5 slot,
} then move each God down one slot. Put YOUR NAME in the #1 slot.
}    Then, AND THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT PART, send this message to EVERY
} GOD YOU KNOW OF! (At last count humans had created 53,120,493 of us,
} so it WILL NOT BE DIFFICULT!)
}
}    Thats ALL YOU NEED to try out this GREAT SOUL GETTING OPPORTUNITY.
} Remember, it costs only FIVE SOULS, so WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
}
} ==============================
} #1 Yahweh Elohim, The Father
}    1 Christianity Way
}    Heaven
}
} #2 Jesus H. Christ, The Son
}    1 Christianity Way
}    Heaven
}
} #3 Spooky, The Holy Ghost
}    1 Christianity Way
}    Heaven
}
} #4 Odin, The All-Father
}    42 Valhalla Street
}    Asgard
}
} #5 Satan, Lord of the Flies
}    100 N. Main Street
}    Yuma, Arizona 85364
} ----------
}    Heh heh, that Yahweh, he was never any good at math. One time he
} tried to convince me that about 2 million Israelites _walked_ across
} the floor of the Red Sea in about a day! And it looks like he's still
} trying to pull that old "Three in One" crap. I'll need to email him
} and explain why MLM does NOT work. Again. Where was I now?....oh yes:
}
} You owe the Oracle a question that won't trap him in a paradox.


1051-05    (5bkpp dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who knows everybody's secret identity...
>
> Riddle me this, riddle me that,
> Who's afraid of the big bad Zot?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Stately Oracle Manor.  A recording of Mozart's 40th Symphony plays
} softly in the background.  The Oracle and Lisa, dressed in evening
} clothes, sit at a low table, engaged in a game of chess.  Suddenly, the
} Oracle's mail program feeps.  It's a message to The Oracle's Super-
} Secret Crime-Fighting Address, batdude%delphi@cs.indiana.edu!]
}
}   > Oh, great Oracle, who knows everybody's secret identity...
}   >
}   > Riddle me this, riddle me that,
}   > Who's afraid of the big bad Zot?
}
} O [dropping into Sherlock Holmes for a moment]: What do you make of
}   this, Lisa?
} L: It's a message in the Riddler's usual style.  I think that the
}   question mark on the end is of Riddlish manufacture, too, isn't it?
}   And the handwriting...
} O: Excellent observations.  But the question mark is not truly of
}   Riddlish manufacture---look at the way it smudges after only one
}   trip through the mail system, just here---but a cheap knockoff.
}   Likewise, the question, though appearing to be equipped with a
}   grovel, really has only the outward form of one, and if you would be
}   so good as to drop it into a computer...
} L: It crashes!
} O: Precisely!  Couple that with the fact that the electrons upon which
}   this email was printed were in fact manufactured in _Seattle_ (I once
}   wrote a monograph on the origins of electrons used in emails, don't
}   you know.  It was very well received in Usenet circles), can only
}   lead one to conclude---
} L [coming back into character]: Holy general protection faults, Oracle!
}   The Gates!
} O: Correct, Lisa.  The game is afoot!  To the Oracle-Cave!
}
} [The Oracle Cave.  The Oracle, dressed in a shining white robe (what
} did you expect? tights?) and Lisa, dressed in tights (_wow!_) pore over
} a computer printout.]
}
} O: ...and according to this, a takeover of Dave Rhodes Net.spamming
}   Enterprises would result in the entire industry being monopolized by
}   Little Pigs Industries, which is a wholly-owned subsidiary of---
} L: Holy hamhocks, Oracle!  a wholly-owned subsidiary of The Gates's
}   nefarious computer business!
} O: Exactly!  Think of it, Lisa!  The Internet helpless to stop the
}   stream of spam advertising The Gates's software house!  MAKE MONEY
}   FA$T was nothing compared to this!  Millions of geeks brainwashed
}   into servile obedience!  Rebooting every ten minutes of work!  We
}   must stop this.  To the Oracle-mobile!
}
} [Scenes of the Oracle-mobile zooming out of the rear entrance of the
} Oracle Cave.  Generic driving scene.  Oracle-mobile pulls up in front
} of a tall tower of roughly-hewn stone blocks: Castle Redmond.  Muffled
} screams can be heard, faintly, from inside.]
}
} O: We will use our Oracle-grapples.
}
} [Oracle and Lisa unhook two small objects from their utility belts.
} They press buttons on the objects and two thin lines shoot up to the
} battlements, each tipped with a small grappling hook.  The Oracle and
} Lisa test how well their hooks have lodged and start climbing the side
} of the building.  Obligatory scaling scene, where The Oracle and Lisa
} walk across the room while pulling on thin strings while the camera
} lies on its side.  An emaciated geek, who obviously hasn't seen the sun
} in weeks, looks out, sees Lisa, and collapses back inside, dead of a
} heart attack.  The Oracle and Lisa climb to the top of the battlements
} and retract their scaling lines.]
}
} O: There.  We made it up undetected.
}
} [Just then, a floodlight shines onto The Oracle and Lisa.  An unkempt,
} malodorous geek, dollar bills spilling out of his every pocket, steps
} into the light.  He picks hideously at the remains of a cream pie which
} some Belgian had perhaps thrown at him at some time.  It is The Gates!]
}
} TG: Mwahahahaha!  You fell for my little trap, I see.  The takeover of
}   the net.spamming industry, indeed!  Hah!  Where is your so-called
}   omniscience now, you fleabitten oija board?  The whole thing was only
}   a ruse to get you out of the way!  Mwaaahahahaha!  My _real_ target
}   was the Wisconsin cheese industry all along!
}
} L: You fiend!  But why do you---
}
} TG: Quite simple, really, my little memory leak.  With control of the
}   Wisconsin cheese industry I will be able to lace every wheel of
}   cheese with my newly-developed mind-numbing chemical---Substance NT.
}   After one bite of this NT-containing cheese even Brian Kernigan will
}   feel like running out to his local ComputerBland and buying my latest
}   megabyte-chomping piece of software.
}
} L: Holy mind control!  There's cheese in the pizza eaten by every
}   computer programmer!
}
} TG: And that's not all, my masked 640-K wonders.  No.  I've got a
}   _secret_ weapon that will make all resistance futile.  _My_ cheese
}   labels are going to have MULTIPLE FONTS!
}
} O: Mac had that years ago!
}
} TG: But they didn't have the Dirty Moves... uh, Marketing Department
}   that I did.
}
} O: Why are you telling us all this?
}
} TG: Because I love to gloat.  And you aren't going to be around much
}   longer.  Lawyers, attack!
}
} [Lawers, clad in Armani suits and carrying doeskin Diplomats, drop from
} every available crevice.  A fisticuff-melee ensues.]
}
} Special Effects: ZONK! POW! PLONK! YECCH! SPLAT!
}
} O: I'm getting tired of this.  <ZOT>!
}
} TG: Coises!  I forgot that The Oracle has the power to <ZOT> annoying
}   rodents like woodchucks and Microceph layers!  Time to engage the old
}   10 kt, imitation gold-placed parachute.
}
} [A brazen chariot, drawn by fire-breathing dragons, swoops down and
} picks up The Gates.  The Gates presses an "OK" button and the chariot
} shoots up into the sky, only overwriting a little bit of real estate
} belonging to another application.  Really.]
}
} TG: Remember, WebTV-head!  You haven't seen the last of me!
}
} [Back in stately Oracle Manor The Oracle and Lisa, once more in mufti,
} sit in an inner courtyard sipping tea.]
}
} L: How terrible, that The Gates is still at large spreading evil!
}
} O: I'm afraid that as long as the industry stands there are going to be
}   Gateses.  The only thing we can do is remain vigilant, not fall under
}   their non-standard versions of industry standards, and specify Sun
}   computers in preference to their Borgulous boxes whenever we get the
}   chance.
}
} [Roll credits.]
}
} You owe The Oracle adequate substitutes for the original Batman series,
} classic Star Trek and Dec's PDP series---some sorely missed Good Things
} that came out of the 60s.  You owe the Justince Department a successful
} anti-trust suit against Microsoft.


1051-06    (9jqlb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh my God! They killed Kenny Starr! You bastard!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Today the Internet Oracle submitted to Congress his long-awaited report
} on the investigation into circumstances surrounding the death of Kenny
} Starr.
}
} That report, now released to the public by the Committee On Cartoon
} Oversight, follows:
}
}                           The Oracle Report
}
} The process of investigating the murder of Kenny Starr begins with the
} question "who had a motive". Well, anyone who is sick and tired of
} hearing about presidential sex on the evening news is likely to have
} been angry at Kenny Starr. The Independent Oracle started to narrow
} down this list by seeking out the loudest and most violent anti-Starr
} protesters for questioning. Excerpts from the transcripts of those
} interviews:
}
} ORACLE: Did you have a grudge against Kenny Starr?
} STAN MARSH: Well sure dude, I mean I already thought the Whitewater
} investigation had gone on far too long, and then when I heard he was
} spreading out into allegations of sex-related perjury in a civil case
} that had been thrown out of court, I thought, "Goddammit. He doesn't
} have anything on the president. He's just searching for treasure. And
} then all this sex crap starts showing up on the news. The president's
} getting oral sex in the oval office, and I can't even hold hands with
} my girlfriend without puking. I don't need to hear about that stuff,
} you know? But yeah I hated Kenny Starr, but hey, who didn't? I didn't
} kill him dude!
}
} ORACLE: Were you angry at Kenny Starr?
} KYLE BROSLOFSKI: Of course I was. Ever since he exposed the president's
} affair, there's nothing but fighting in my house. My dad says we can't
} trust the president any more and he should be thrown out. But my mom
} says what he's done for the country is more important and we should
} stay out of his private life. They like, really serious about it and I
} think they're gonna get a divorce or something! It totally sucks ass,
} dude. Yeah, I hated Kenny Starr. I even wished he would get cancer. In
} the head. But I didn't kill him dude!
}
} ORACLE: And what did you think of Kenny Starr?
} KENNY MCCORMICK: M fhimk he fjst meeded mfto gt a bwmjmf hmfelf wnce n
} a wl.
}
} ORACLE: How did you feel about Kenny Starr?
} ERIC CARTMAN: That son of a bitch subpoenaed my mom just because she
} had sex with the president. He seemed like a real asshole to me, so I
} killed him.
} ORACLE: What?!
} ERIC CARTMAN: Hey, relax, fella. No jury will send a kid like me to
} prison. If you try to prosecute me, they'll say I'm insane, so I'll
} just have to go talk to some hippie shrink, and I'll be back on the
} streets by next week, so you can kiss my ass.
}
} Thus ended the investigation.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Kroff Dinner, and a way to kill Kenny Starr and
} not have him come back in the next episode.


1051-07    (izo81 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Internet Oracle, it finally dawned on me that any Grovel I could
> compose would be unworthy of you, so I would ask you to please insert
> the true appropriate grovel in place of this sentence.
>
> Please, mighty and all knowing Oracle, answer this questions for me:
>
> Back in the days of old, when it was just you and me and that Kinzler
> guy down in Indiana, you never lacked for companionship. I was there. I
> remember your witty responses, endless insight, and the nights that
> went on forever. You always were better than that Kennedy guy.
>
> Then, for reason we both know, I had to leave the Internet for a few
> years. Somewhere in between now and those long lost days you met Lisa.
> Please, please, could you send me the original Lisa message? It must
> have been truly witty and displayed even more infinite insight than
> usual for her to still be your main squeeze. I'm not jealous, for I
> know I was only your plaything until the real-deal came along, but
> please, I must know, how did you first meet her?
>
> Sincerely,
> M. Monroe

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Elvis introduced us.


1051-08    (8fsmd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> HELP! I've become a psychic!!
>
> I can already tell that the answer is going to be a string of tired
> in-jokes and references to Og, Woodchucks, Lisa, 42, or top-ten lists!
> Either that, or I'll get a ZOT in my family jewels!
> Is there any hope for mankind? Who can save our minds by doing
> something ORIGINAL here? Hellllp!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not this question again! Can't you supplicants ever come up with
} something original?
}
} But, if you want to return to a time when everything is fresh and new,
} I can help you there.
}
}    /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ ZAZAZAZAZAP!!! /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
}
} [The supplicant instinctively covers his family jewels. Just as it
}  slowly percolates through his head that it was a 'Zap' sound, not a
}  'Zot' one, he looks around and finds himself in 16th century Florence.
}  A crowd has gathered, and are murmuring excitedly. He hears a snatch
}  of English to one side, and heads in that direction.]
}
} Supplicant: Excuse me, can you tell me what's going on?
}
} Man #1: You speak our language in a strange manner sir. The master will
}         unveil his latest masterpiece.
}
} Supplicant: Really? Who's 'The Master'?
}
} Man #2: (rolls eyes) Where have you been the last two decades? Leonardo
}         Da Vinci. Only the greatest artist since the Classic era.
}
} Supplicant: And what painting will he reveal today?
}
} Man #1: We know not. Wait, the master stands before his painting. He
}         pulls back the veil and .... GASP
}
} [The whole crowd gasps at the beauty of The Last Supper, all except for
}  one]
}
} Supplicant: Oh no, not ANOTHER painting of The Last Supper. Come on
}             you guys. This 'Jesus Christ' in-joke character has been
}             done to death in modern art. Can't anyone come up with
}             anything ORIGINAL!!!!!
}
} [The whole crowd turns to look incredulously at the strangely dressed
}  man who criticises the masterpiece]
}
} Supplicant: And look at those clothes. Greek robes? Do you really think
}             that people in the holy land wore Greek robes? Copy copy
}             copy. This adoption of Classic forms is just a crutch for
}             those who aren't original enough to produce real art.
}             DO YOU HEAR ME?
}
} [Leonardo frowns under his prominent brow-ridges. He picks up his big
}  spiky club and walks toward the Supplicant. The crowd hisses at the
}  supplicant, who feels a marked turn of mood in the crowd, not entirely
}  to his advantage].
}
} Og he .... Le-o-nar-do here. Le-o-nar-do not like what sup-li-kant say
} Le-o-nar-do paint-ing. Le-o-nar-do think Le-o-nar-do teach sup-li-kant
} les-son.
}
} Supplicant: Og? But, ...., you? When? What? How?
}
} Og see sup-li-kant know Og name. Og much ea-sy say Le-o-nar-do. Og ask
} sup-li-kant see Og gro-vel?
}
} Supplicant: Yes, I've seen them. Too many of the damn things. Why can't
}             people come up with something ORRIIIGINNNALLL!!!!
}
} Og ask sup-li-kant think Og grovel good?
}
} Supplicant: Some of them are good, yes, but...
}
} Og say, make good gro-vel, treat O-ra-kul nice. O-ra-kul treat Og nice.
} Og swap place Le-o-nar-do.
}
} Supplicant: Swapped places? But what did Leonardo Da Vinci end up
} doing?
}
} Og ask sup-li-kant see cave painting Al-ti-ma-ra, Spain? Og say, much
} good, no? Og heh heh heh. Og say, sup-li-kant come see Og work-shop.
}
} [They go. The crowd looks on in amazement].
}
} Og show sup-li-kant Og mas-ter-piece. Og ask what sup-li-kant think?
}
} Supplicant: Saint Sebastian AGAIN!?! WHY CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING
}             ORRRIIII.... hey wait, don't paintings of Saint Sebastian
}             usually show him full of arrows?
}
} Og think, Se-bas-ti-an body full spiky club much bet-ter. Og make new
} thing not see be-fore. Og ask sup-li-kant not think o-ri-gi-nal?
}
} Supplicant: More so than average for great painters, maybe. But look at
}             this. Helen of Troy. HELEN OF TROY? NOT GREEK MYTHOLOGY
}             AGAIN?!? THOSE GREEK MYTHS HAVE BEEN DONE IN ART OVER AND
}             OVER AGAIN!! WHY CAN'T ANYONE COME UP WITH SOMETHING
}             ORIGINAAAAA.... hey? This woman doesn't look Greek. In
}             fact, she looks, erm, Neanderthal just like ...... Ogwa?
}
} Og much proud sup-li-kant know. Og think, Ogwa much more pret-ty
} skin-ny Greek wo-man. Og think, paint-ing much o-ri-gi-nal. Og
} dis-sa-point phil-li-stine in pub-lic not ap-pre-ci-ate. Og ask
} sup-li-kant see paint-ing like this be-fore?
}
} Supplicant: No, but....
}
} Og say, paint-ing much o-ri-gi-nal.
}
} Supplicant: (achieves Bhuddist style enlightenment) Oh wait, I see.
}             Originality isn't determined by the characters used, but
}             by what is done with them. You could take a Dave Barry
}             script, change all the names but nothing else, and it
}             wouldn't be original. But, if you took The Royal Family
}             of Great Britian, and wrote an episode of the Australian
}             Soap "Neighbours" featuring them living on Bondi beach,
}             and it would be ..... original. Probably a bit more
}             depraved than usual, but original.
}
} Og say, sup-li-kant much en-light-en. Supplicant kneel down before Og,
} Og send supplicant back fut-ure time.
}
} Supplicant: Why do I have to kneel?
}
} Og time ma-chine in end Og club. Og club sup-li-kant on head, go
} fu-ture.
}
} Supplicant: Why on earth are things set up like that?
}
} Og say, Og treat O-ra-kul right, O-ra-kul treat Og right. O-ra-kul put
} time ma-chine in club, much fun Og. Og say, Og not hit, sup-li-kant
} stay this time.
}
} [The supplicant looks glum, but kneels]
}
} <FX: CRUNCH>
}
} [The supplicant wakes up in bed with a splitting headache]
}
} Supplicant: Oh, it was just..... Hey Pete! You wouldn't believe the
}             dream that I just had.
}
} Supplicant's roomie: Hey, great Mona Lisa face-painting. Where did you
}                      get that done? Looks like the real thing. Apart
}                      from the brow ridges.
}
} You owe The Oracle 42 top ten Og supplications about woodchucks. With
} a smile.


1051-09    (3akwl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most oracular, who is the most oraclacaceous being there be,
> whose oraculacity is beyond puny human ken,
>
> After years of observing squirrels, I have noticed that they have an
> uncanny resemblence to each other. I believe that there are only in
> fact two squirrels on earth. Is this true?  And how have they managed
> to pull off this illusion so well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Close, supplicant, close.  It is a strong possibility that there is
} only ONE squirrel in the universe.  How can I say that, seeing that
} there are numerous eyewitness reports of large congregations of
} squirrels in parks?  Quite simple, actually: according to the theory,
} gray squirrels are simply brown squirrels going BACKWARDS IN TIME.
}
}                     THE SINGLE SQUIRREL THEORY
}
} Naturalists have long reported two unique phenomena dealing with
} brown/gray squirrel interaction.  The first happens when a gray
} squirrel collides with a brown squirrel:  they disappear and emit a
} nutron (NUT-ron) particle.  This is known as "annihilation."  The
} other happens when a nutron suddenly becomes a brown/gray squirrel
} combination.  This is known as "pair production."  Traditionally, the
} gray squirrel is known as the antisquirrel because it appears less
} frequently than its brown counterpart.
}
} The Single Squirrel Theory (SST) says that these collisions are not
} creating and destroying squirrels, but simply changing their
} chronological momentum.  Take a look at the following diagram, of
} actual squirrel activity along a sidewalk in Central Park, New York
} City:
}
}    ^               N     N
}    |          N     \    |
}    T         /       A   A           N = nutron
}    I        A       / \  |\          B = brown squirrel
}    M       / \     /   G B G         G = gray squirrel
}    E      B   G   B     \|  \        A = annihilation event
}    |     /     \ /       P   \       P = pair-production event
}         /       P       /     \
}        /        |      N       \
}       /         N               \
}
}         <--- SIDEWALK --->
}
} (Forgive the crudity of the drawing, time-space diagrams are difficult
} in ASCII.)  In our time frame, it appears that two pair-production
} events generate two gray/brown squirrel pairs, which are annihilated
} moments later, some through interactions of browns and grays already
} on the sidewalk.
}
} But if we take a static time-space view, we can visualize a completely
} different process.  One can follow an unbroken path, going forward (up)
} with brown squirrels, and backward (down) with gray squirrels.
} Annihilations are simply the conversion of a brown to a gray (with the
} nutron carrying the forward time momentum away) and pair-productions
} are the reverse effect (with the nutron leaving the event in reverse
} time).
}
} The SST is our best theory yet for dealing with the exotica of Quantum
} Furrydynamics, but there are still some bugs to be worked out.  For
} instance, how do squirrel quarks (e.g., roadkill) fit into the theory?
} What about strong evidence for the existence of proto-squirrels?  It
} is my hope, that with lots of government funding, I can solve these
} problems.
}
} You owe the Oracle a government grant and a supercollider.


1051-10    (5cjpp dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about it!
> "Oracle arrested in psychic scam!
> Priests Zadok and Kinzler tell all!"
>
> Wanna buy a paper, mister?
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 1998 10:25:07
} INTERNET ORACLE CHARGED WITH FRAUD
}
} Indiana -- An acclaimed Internet advice columnist was arrested Monday
} on charges of impersonating an omniscient.
}
} T. Internet Oracle, formerly known as T. Usenet Oracle, was apprehended
} in his pallatial compound early Monday morning by the Indiana Board of
} Investigations, who had been wiretapping his Internet communications to
} obtain evidence of "psychic fraud," according to Special Agent Jay
} "Smokey" Bakonberger.
}
} "We received an anonymous tip that T. Usenet Oracle was doling out
} advice to citizens and public officials, claiming to be some kind of
} all-knowing psychic," Bakonberger said. "We tapped him for three days,
} until we recorded him telling one of his 'supplicants' there would be a
} comet strike in Pittsburgh, PA on Sunday, September 20th. He then
} demanded payment for his 'services' in the form of a shoe horn and two
} bits of thread."
}
} "After the day in question arrived with no comet strike, we swarmed the
} compound and arrested Mr. Oracle on the charge of impersonating a
} psychic for purposes of fraud," Bakonberger said.
}
} Zadoc, one of Mr. Oracle's personal assistants, said he was relieved by
} the arrest.
}
} "Hoi! It's about time," Zadoc said. "This guys a real wierd-o! I mean,
} sick! Y'know, he refers to me and [fellow assistant] Kinzler his
} 'priests,' like he's some god or something. Whoo-hoo! Earth to Orrie?!?
} Like, are you home, or something?"
}
} T. Internet Oracle, on advice of his lawyers, did not comment.
} ----------------
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 10:31:52
} WILDCAT STRIKE AT COMET PLANT
}
} Pittsburgh, PA -- Workers for Comet, makers of the popular "Comet"
} scrub cleaner, have staged a walk-out, bringing production to a
} stand-still.
}
} Larry P. "Woody" Woodson, president of the International Abrasive
} Cleaner Workers Union (I.A.C.W.U), said the strike vote was taken by
} union members in secret last Sunday night. The symbolic "walk-out" took
} place early Sunday morning, as workers burned their time cards and
} marched out of the plant.
}
} "We're sick of this," Woodson said. "We eat, sleep, breathe, live
} Comet. This crap gets under your fingernails, in your clothes, in your
} nostrils. We work, work, work, and for what? Exhorbitantly large union
} wages? Well, yeah, sure, but that's just not enough. Look at these
} fingernails, would you? We want gloves, dang it all! Gloves!"
}
} Comet executives, on advice of their lawyers, did not comment.
} ---------
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 11:04:41
} INTERNET ORACLE FREED FROM JAIL
}
} Indiana -- "Oops," commented Special Agent J. "Smokey" Bakonberger of
} the Indiana Bureau of Investigatons. "My bad."
}
} Internet advice columnist T. Internet Oracle, shortly after being
} arrested on psychic fraud charges, was released from incarceration
} Monday morning. The IBI, who arrested Oracle after claims that a comet
} would strike Pittsburgh, said they thought he meant a planetoid-sized
} ball of ice, and not a popular abrasive cleanser.
}
} Oracle was released when news broke of a strike in Pittsburgh at the
} Comet Industries plant, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that Oracle
} was, in fact, all-seeing and all-knowing.
}
} "I wasn't worried," said Oracle in a press conference. "I knew I'd beat
} the rap. I'm omniscient, remember?"
}
} The IBI, on advice of their lawyers, would not comment.
} ---
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 13:42:11
} ORACLE ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT & BATTERY
}
} Indiana -- Just hours after being released from jail, T. Internet
} Oracle, noted Internet advice columnist and alleged omniscient, was
} arrested yet again in his pallatial mansion in Indiana, this time for
} assault and battery.
}
} According to IBI agent Jay "Smokey" Bakonberger, shortly after arriving
} home, Oracle began assaulting members of his so-called "priesthood,"
} who he had caught in the act of making use of his hot tub, sauna,
} exercise equipment, entertainment center, and liquor cabinets,
} according to Bakonberger.
}
} "Mr. Oracle, in his assaults, used what he called a <*ZOT*>, which is
} apparently some kind of weapon or martial art technique. The IBI is
} investigating this weapon, or whatever, to find out more about it,"
} said Bakonberger.
}
} Oracular "priest" Zadoc, whom Oracle had <*ZOT*>ted a total of 17
} times, was rushed to Indiana State Hospital with first- and
} second-degree burns. Oracle apparently had caught Zadoc in the act of
} calling in phony allegations about Oracle to the IBI while eating
} Oracle's "Banana Pudding Ice Cream" and using his computer to write
} "love poems" to Oracle's significant other, Lisa.
}
} The Internet Oracle could be reached for comment. "It's worth the
} misdemeanor charge!" he said.
} ---
} (AP) NEWS WIRE -- September 21, 1998 17:26:01
} SUPPLICANT OWES ORACLE TWO PINTS OF "BANANA PUDDING ICE CREAM"


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