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Internet Oracularities #1052

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Internet Oracularities #1052    (81 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 25 Sep 1998 07:52:34 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1052
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1052  81 votes 9ksh7 dppc6 7myd5 6onm6 2dtne 2ouk5 59eto 1kyi8 4ebjx 5jkmf
1052  3.2 mean  2.9   2.7   2.8   3.0   3.4   3.0   3.7   3.1   3.8   3.3


1052-01    (9ksh7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> create table chuck (
>        type              character(9) not null default 'woodchuck',
>        wood_chucked      integer not null,
>        could_chuck_wood  boolean
> )
> primary key (type);
>
> insert into chuck
> values           ('woodchuck', int(rnd(date**5)), true);
>
> select sum(wood_chucked) as much
> where  could_chuck_wood  is true
> and    type              = 'woodchuck';

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah yes...  I love programming questions.  Now let's see, where shall I
} start...
}
} struct SoftwareProfessional {
}      double salary;
}      long lunches;
}      float jobs;
}      char unstable;
}      void work;
}                             };
}
} Wait a minute.  I see what's going on.  You can't fool me.
} Take this:
}
} 10     FOR I = 1 TO 2
} 20     PRINT "ZOT"
} 30     I = I - 1
} 40     NEXT I
}
} RUN
}
} You owe the oracle a Unix operating system source code written in
} QBASIC.


1052-02    (dppc6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle whose niftiness outshines all others:
>
> Why do the people who select and vote for Oraculaties like the stupid,
> repetitive, drawn-out, boring answers involving "zot", "lisa", and the
> other rejects, instead of sharp, crisp, short but telling answers?  Are
> they smoking crack?  I mean, what kind of self-respecting incarnation
> refers to itself as "Orrie" anyway?
>
> kick out the jams.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kick out the jams?  Sure thing.
}
} ZADOC [shouting]:  Are you ready to testify? Are you ready to testify? I
} give you a testimonial--THE INTERNET ORACLE!
}
} ORACLE:
}
} And right now, right now, right now it's time to
} ZOT OUT THE JAMS, WOOD CHUCKERS!
} Yea!
} I, I, I, I, I'm gonna
} I'M GONNA ZOT 'EM ALL!
} Yea!
}
} The Oracle's my name
} And you know I can't complain--
}       I'm omniscient
} You come to me with Q's--
} I can tell you what to do,
}       You are wishin'.
} You can call me Orrie, if that's what you wish
} But you better grovel or you'll fight with my fish!
}
} Do you see who I am?
} Then let me ZOT out the jams, yes!
} ZOT out the jams.
} I WANNA ZOT 'EM ALL!
}
} Og gets his spiky club
} Then the supplicants come
}       And he busts em.
} Lowly Zadoc kowtows,
} He scrapes and he bows,
}       As per custom.
} Here I come now, with my big Zot Staff
} I'm gonna separate the wheat from the chaff!
}
} Put that staff in my hand
} And let me ZOT out the jams, yes!
} ZOT out the jams.
} I WANNA ZOT 'EM ALL!
}
} alright, alright, alright, alright,
} come on, come on, come on.
}
} Well, I give the fear of God
} To those jokers on rhod,
}       They're such lamers.
} And Lisa and I
} From our place in the sky
}       ZOT queue drainers.
} You'll get your answer, but you'll have to wait--
} You'll cool your heels with a joke about Gates!
}
} So let me be who I am.
} And let me ZOT out the jams, yes!
} ZOT out the jams.
} I'M GONNA ZOT YOU ALL!
}
} You owe the Oracle the "Motherf***ers" version, on vinyl.


1052-03    (7myd5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you that does not tolerate fools, you that taught
> Zeus, you that got Charon his job, I bow before you and ask;
>
> What is the Axiom of Choice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Axiom:  A universally accepted principle or rule.
}
} Choice: (in the grading of beef) rated between prime and good.
}
} (Random House College Dictionary, 1973)
}
} Therefore, the Axiom of Choice is a universally accepted principle
} about good prime beef:
} "For all beef, beef has no divisors besides one and itself.  But it
} sure is tasty."
}
} You owe the Oracle a sandwich.


1052-04    (6onm6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > > > > > > > > How many times must I resubmit?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...
} Before you get what you please?
} How many times must the queue drainer drain
} before he loses his lease?
} How many chucks must the priests reject
} before we can all have some peace?
} The answer my friend, is rhodin' in the morn,
} The answer is rhodin' in the morn.
}
} How many free mail accounts will it take
} before we give up on the fight?
} How many times can you use Lisa
} And Zadoc and Og?  It's so trite.
} How many years must you hone your own skill
} 'Till your answers no longer will bite?
} The answer, my friend, is rhodin' all the day
} The answer is rhodin' all the day.
}
} How many years will old Orrie exist
} Before he's all dried up like yeast?
} How many puns can a punster have punned
} Before he's considered a priest?
} How many rules could they have anyway?
} It's like the mysterious east.
} The answer, my friend, is rhodin' 'till you sleep
} The answer is rhodin' 'till you sleep.
}
} You owe the Oracle good answers in exchange
} for all your submissions.


1052-05    (2dtne dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who knows when the world will end, can you
> tell me exactly how it is that the neutron bomb kills people
> without destroying infrastructure and buildings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure, no problem.  Rather than giving all the technical details,
} though, it might be more interesting to watch a neutron bomb in action.
}  [NOTE: This is a simulation only.  No animals or vegetables were
} harmed in the making of this simulation.]
}
} Neutron bomb: Boo!
}
} Person with fake English accent walking down street: I say, what?
}
} NB: I said, `Boo!'
}
} PWFEAWDS: Yes, quite.  Ah ... well then, I'll just be nipping on down
}   to the cricket match, and then off to the pub for a pint of ...
}
} NB [interrupting]: Know what I can do?
}
} PWFEAWDS: Er ... no, that is to say, not as such.  No.
}
} NB: I'm a neutron bomb.  I can change the arrangement of the
}   fundamental particles in your constituent atoms.  Watch this.  I'm
}   going to blow up, thereby changing Sotheby's into a somewhat gaudy
}   McDonald's.
}
} PWFEAWDS [hair standing on end]: Er ... now, don't be hasty, old chap.
}   Let's be reasonable.  You neutron bombs types are not supposed to
}   destroy infrastructure or buildings, don't you know.
}
} Passing rabbit who has an accent that sounds like a cross between
}   Manhattan and Bronx: Yeah, doc, and I'm infrastructure, and don't you
}   forget it.
}
} NB: Look, who cares if I rearrange a few buildings whilst destroying
}   all life (except for the cockroaches, of course)?  You'll be dead
}   anyway. Why should you care?  Watch.  In addition to doing Sotheby's,
}   I'm going to change the Tower of London into a Pizza Hut.
}
} PWFEAWDS [turning red in the face]: P..p..p..p..pizza Hut??!?
}   McD...D..D..Donalds??!?!  You American heretic!  You absolute...
}
} [*THUD*]
}
} NB [chuckling]: Gets 'em every time.  Oh, good evening constable.  This
}   chap seems to have gotten a bit overexcited.
}
} Constable: I say, 'e don't look too good.
}
} NB: Yes, well, I can't understand it.  All I did was tell him about my
}   ability to alter atomic structures...
}
} You owe the Oracle a smart aleck bomb.


1052-06    (2ouk5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Pray enlighten me, O' He who is the quintessence of perfection;  His
> name an antonym to stupidity and His cerebral cortex a potential
> dwelling place for huge megaplexes,
>
> What would the world of music look like if Prozac were invented back in
> the 18th century?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, obviously the world would have been a different place, wouldn't
} it?
}
} Politics:  "Give me liberty, or give me ... a nice walk by the
} seaside!"
}
} Science:  "Laws of motion?  No, let us make them *suggestions* of
} motion."
}
} Art:  "M. Van Gogh has cut off a piece of his toenail!"
}
} But you asked about music.  Unfortunately, the entire scene is too
} gruesome for even the Oracle to contemplate.  Suffice it to say that
} Ludwig Van Manilow's 10th Symphony would have gone unfinished for a
} reason.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Renaissance on Ritalin.


1052-07    (59eto dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, I offer unto you a Toblerone bar, a Starbucks double
> latte with just a dash of almond syrup, and a pair of warm fuzzy
> slippers, none of which could ever hope to match the comfort you
> bring to the universe thru your very existence.
>
> Why is it that when I kneel on the floor and cover my head with my
> arms, my dog goes nuts?  Hasn't he figured out after three years
> of this that my head has NOT vanished? It's not that he's stupid;
> he knows exactly where all the food is, how to distinguish the sound
> of his leash from three rooms away, and that the manifestation of a
> suitcase means Something Terrible is about to happen. But the head
> thing is totally beyond him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The answer is right there before you, in your own life and in the
} world around you. Once you examine certain aspects of _human_
} behavior, you will realize that your dog does this for the same
} reason that:
}
} * One can pass the bar exam and even get elected Vice President of the
}   United States, but (among other things) not be able to spell
}   "potato."
}
} * Similarly, one can get elected President of the United States but
}   still mindlessly follow orders from two small round objects located
}   in his groin area.
}
} * Many people can find the "ON" switch on their computer but think that
}   if somebody emails them telling them they can MAKE MONEY FAST that
}   they _must_ be telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but
}   the truth.
}
} * People can form coherent sentences and don't, say, jump in front of
}   buses moving at 65 MPH, but believe that:
}
}         * The earth was created in precisely 4004 B.C., by some guy who
}           will toss you into a pool of liquid sulphur if you don't
}           happen to agree with him.
}
}         * Saucer-shaped spacecraft routinely cross massive
}           interstellar distances for the sole purpose of abducting a
}           species of sentient ape that lives on a small blue-green
}           planet and having the leaders of these apes hide the fact of
}           the abductions from the other apes.
}
}         * The above-mentioned spacecraft are piloted by beings that
}           just happen to look almost exactly like us.
}
}         * "Organic" foods are better for you; that is, it is
}           better to eat something that came from a big smelly farm
}           full of slightly aged pigshit than something that once came
}           in contact with something that was once inside a big smelly
}           chemical plant.
}
}         * The above even applies to bottles of pure water.
}
}         * You can can cure all ailments by:
}
}                 * Having someone wave their hands over you.
}
}                 * Sticking needles in various parts of your body.
}
}                 * Twisting your spine around in strange ways.
}
}                 * Swallowing a placebo pill that had some pure water
}                   dripped onto it thereby causing it to "remember"
}                   something the water came in contact with once.
}
}                 * Having some guy with a funny accent say "If yuh
}                   b'lieve in duh Lawd, BE SA-HAAAIIIVED!!" and knock
}                   you on your ass in front of a lot of people.
}
}         * All people born between the days of June 21 and July 22
}           behave in exactly the fashion that someone who writes for
}           the local newspaper thinks they will, according to the
}           positions of large spherical rocks millions of miles out
}           into space.
}
}         * Microsoft is a True American Company that only wants to make
}           Finest Software available for everyone to use.
}
}         * Windows 98 doesn't disprove the above.
}
}         * Most of the world's problems are caused by drug use.
}
}         * Most of the world's problems can be solved by drug use.
}
}         * President Clinton is doing a fine job running the country.
}
}         * The Spice Girls actually play good music.
}
} * Most, if not all, of your otherwise intelligent family members use
}   Windows or MacOS and have AOL accounts.
}
} * One can comprehend the entire Unix operating system, but not figure
}   out how to behave in public without making a complete fool of
}   themselves.
}
} * One can behave in an intelligent, witty fashion in rec.humor.oracle
}   but completely fail to do so in rec.humor.oracle.d.
}
}     As you can see, this type of behavior is ingrained in humans as
} much as it is in any other animal, and there is not much that can be
} done about it. You are likely to have as much luck convincing your dog
} that your head _really_ is there as you are convincing Pat Robertson
} of the fact that he and his creationist buddies are in fact descended
} from mindless heaps of primordial slime. Wait a second, Pat Robertson
} and his buddies _are_ mindless heaps of primordial slime. Oh well, you
} get the idea.
}
} You owe the Oracle a way to convince the Spice Girls to jump in front
} of a bus moving at 65 MPH.


1052-08    (1kyi8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell this lowly worm of a supplicant...
>
> When will Celine Dion's heart STOP?  Hasn't it been going on and on
> long enough by now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} IPNA Report 10/23/98 14:24pm
} PHYSICISTS DISCOVER PERPETUAL MOTION MACHINE IN CELINE DION
} -----------------------------------------------------------
}
} Indiana, USA. Scientists have reported that a perpetual motion machine
} has been discovered in the chest of singer Celine Dion. Physicist Dr
} Steve Kinzler said "We measured the energy being produced by the
} beating of her heart, and measured the energy consumed by the organ. We
} found that the energy produced exceeded the energy consumed by a ratio
} of 1.15. Clearly, perpetual motion has been achieved."
}
} Perpetual heart beating is said to be linked to a lukewarm fusion
} reaction in the aorta. Fusion in the organs of popular entertainers has
} been a 'holy grail' for scientists since the early 60s when the idea
} was first mooted. Previous attempts required such high pressures and
} temperatures that the energy consumed was far in excess of the energy
} produced. As an example, in 1974 the spleen of Jimmy Page was heated to
} 3200 degrees centigrade, and subjected to pressures 100 times higher
} than the water pressure at the bottom of the deepest ocean trench.
} Scientists observed the telltale signs of organic fusion. But, the
} experiment on Celine Dion's heart was conducted at her normal body
} temperature, and could result in a cheap renewable energy source that
} could supply humanity's energy needs in the next millenium. "Even with
} the results that we have, the kidneys and livers of The Spice Girls
} alone could power a fridge for a week." said Dr Kinzler.
}
} Dr Kinzler reported that the next aim for his research group was to
} investigate 'cold fusion' by experimenting on the appendix of Bjork,
} the 'Ice Maiden'. "Either that or we'll invite her around the lab and
} make whoopie".
}
} You owe The Oracle Ringo Starr's lungs, a power cable, and an electric
} toothbrush.


1052-09    (4ebjx dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle you are almost as wonderful as me.  I *may* rub up against your
> leg.
>
> Yesterday, in between breakfast and my third early/mid morning nap, it
> occured to me that if I was in a box I wouldn't know if the world
> outside continued to exist or not.  It occurred to me that I could only
> describe the condition of the world in terms of a probability that it
> still existed. Though, of course, how could it exist if I was in a box
> and didn't need the world to provide me with food or with a lap to
> snooze on.  Anyway, what I wanted to ask is you seem to spend a lot of
> time sitting down and you've got lots of people dedicated just to
> pampering you so would you like a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no kitty, not after what happened last time.....
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 09:41am
} UNIDENTIFIED GAS CLOUD SEEN IN INDIANA
} --------------------------------------
}
} Reports are coming in from Indiana that a gas cloud of unidentified
} material has been sighted in the city. No victims have yet been
} identified. Indiana Civil Defense and Emergency Services, as well
} as the Army are on full code red report.
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 11:22am
} ALIEN INVADER CLAIM FOR INDIANA 'GAS CLOUD'
} -------------------------------------------
}
} Eyewitness reports of the 'Indiana Gas Cloud' have claimed that at
} its center, a strange and everchanging creature can be seen, with
} teeth, eyes, wings, skeletons, exoskeletons, changing hues of red,
} grey, brown, piebald, plaid and tartan. Many city residents believe
} that the city is under attack from an alien life form, and are fleeing
} in a massive column of cars. Indiana authorities report that they
} believe the gas cloud to be hallucinogenic, and released on the city by
} unknown terrorists.
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 12:48pm
} PROBABILITY DENSITY FUNCTION TERRORISES CITY OF INDIANA
} -------------------------------------------------------
}
} The 'Indiana Gas Cloud' has now been positively identified as the
} escaped pet of Mr Internet Oracle, of Indiana University. Says Mr
} Oracle, "The pet is a recent gift from my girlfriend Lisa, who gave
} it to me this morning. Until I opened the box it did not exist as
} a particular animal, but merely as a probability density function
} covering all feasible animals. Unfortunately, when I went to open
} the box it was in, I found that it had escaped in its unresolved
} state. It will remain unresolved until I observe it. Until that time,
} the city may be in extreme danger. Or, it may not be."
}
} NATIONAL RADIO CENTRE SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN
} -------------------------------------------
}
} Hello, this is Dan Dandan, and I'm reporting from Indiana, where the
} first victims of the rampaging probability density function have been
} identified. I'm next to a doctor who is treating the victim. Doctor, is
} he dead?
}
} Possibly. Why don't you ask him?
}
} Excuse me, are you prepared to talk on radio? What was it like being
} attacked by the creature?
}
} Horrible. I felt these teeth close around my neck, and my ankles,
} something was sucking my blood, and I felt blows of varying intensities
} all over my body.
}
} But, you're still alive. You're talking to me.
}
} Possibly... That's the worst part of it. The waiting. I mean, if the
} animal turns out to be a large one, when The Internet Oracle finally
} observes it, something with big teeth like a dinosaur, then I could be
} ripped from limb to limb. Or, if it was a poisionous snake, then I
} could be dead from that. Or, it might be a chipmunk, and I might just
} have a small bite on my finger.
}
} Doctor, I notice that the blur surrounding the victim has a distinct
} red colour. Does this mean that he's lost a lot of blood?
}
} It means that it's highly probable that he has.
}
} But, his big toe is quite clear. Does that mean something?
}
} Yes, whatever animal it was that attacked him definitely did not eat
} his big toe. This is the only clue we have to the identity of the
} animal so far.
}
} OBN NEWS SERVICE SPECIAL INTERVIEW GENERAL A. LEADBEATER
} --------------------------------------------------------
}
} General Leadbeater. Are there any further clues as to the identity of
} the creature.
}
} As of yet, none. It could be a Godzilla. It could be anything.
}
} Surely Ms Lisa wouldn't have given The Oracle a Godzilla for his
} birthday?
}
} Why not, that's what he asked for.
}
} How do you plan to defeat the creature, and save the city, if not the
} world?
}
} The probabilistic nature of that animal is what stops us. Bullets
} probably can't stop it. Rockets probably can't stop it. We probably may
} even have to use nuclear force!
}
} Why can't the army simply ask Lisa what she gave him for his birthday?
}
} Unfortunately Lisa has gone to the bathroom and is not expected out for
} several weeks. By that time, the city, or even the world, could be in
} ruins.
}
} Do you plan to entrap the creature?
}
} Yes, the creature is being lured to the city square by a trail of
} favourite foods of all known living things. In the square The Internet
} Oracle will observe the creature. Massed armies of The US, UK, Japan,
} and Russia will then attack the creature, whatever it turns out to be.
}
} Russian forces? Russian forces on US soil?
}
} Those guys had to fight some pretty far-out creatures in the Cherynobal
} region over the last few years. We need their experience.
}
} Thank you General Leadbeater.
}
} EYEWITNESS NEWS BULLETIN - INDIANA, USA
} ---------------------------------------
}
} I'm standing here in the main square of Indiana, where the probability
} density function has been reported to ... MY GOD, THE DENSITY FUNCTION
} HAS ENTERED THE SQUARE. PLANES FLY OVERHEAD, ROCKETS ARE POINTED.
} ARMIES AIM THEIR WEAPONS. THE CREATURE APPROACHES. AND .... THE
} INTERNET ORACLE IS REMOVING HIS BLINDFOLD!!!!!!! HE HAS REMO....
}
} [A small grey round object with plastic eyes and a big painted grin
}  falls to the ground in the center of the square. Everything is silent
}  and still for over ten minutes. Suddenly there is a slight movement.
}  General Leadbeater walks slowly to The Oracle].
}
} Orrie, most wise and everything, old chum. I think I need your help
} here.
}
} You owe The Oracle a very, VERY, good excuse for mobilising the entire
} defense and emergency services of the Industrialised World to combat a
} pet rock. To be sent to: General A. Leadbeater, The Pentagon,
} Washington DC, USA.


1052-10    (5jkmf dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> hoi orrie!
> zodac is in leage with the woodchucks and tonight they are planning a
> take over of the compound!
> of course you already knew this but lisa thought i should give you the
> message as right now she is eating bannana ice cream in the hot tub
> filled with red siamise fighting fish.
> what would you have us do oh omniepotent one?
> oh.... oh.....oh no.....they have discovered me !
> arrrrgh!!!!
> (viscious sounds of squeaking and chucking)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "This note was in his pocket?"  The voice of the dark figure intoned.
}
} "Yes, my liege," answered the little man.  He was barely restraining
} himself from beginning to pace again.  A bead of sweat appeared on his
} brow and traced its way down into his sackcloth robe.  The silence
} seemed interminably long.  The only sounds were the fluttering of the
} wings of a small moth around the single bare light bulb, and the quiet
} rustle of the note being folded and unfolded by the dark figure's
} fingers.
}
} "Any other identification?" at last came the measured tones of the dark
} figure's voice.
}
} "N-no, your worshipful ... -ness!" the little man replied, swallowing.
}
} Again the room settled into the terrible silence.  The man in the
} wooden chair shifted slightly, trying to restore circulation to his
} hands.  The expertly tied knots would not give, however, and he winced
} in pain.  It gave his eyes momentary but unsatisfactory relief from the
} glare of the light bulb.  For a brief moment, he thought he caught the
} eye of the little man, but then the little man quickly looked away and
} swallowed again.
}
} For the first time, the dark figure addressed the man in the chair.
} "Why did you write this note?"
}
} The man cried out in a strange, high-pitched voice, "it was jsut a
} warning i was tryign to helpyou o grate adn powerufl oracl --"
}
} His reply was choked off by the sound of a deep, disdainful snort from
} the dark figure.  "It's a bit late for a grovel *now*, don't you
} think?"  Though he could not see, the man in the chair sensed that the
} dark figure had moved silently closer.  "I'll ask you again:  Why did
} you write this note?"
}
} Squirming as if an escape were possible, the man in the chair began
} breathing heavily.  "i'm tellng you the truht!  the woodchukcs --"
}
} "Silence!" the dark figure bellowed, rising from his place.  The little
} man somehow made himself even smaller and faded into the shadow in a
} corner as the dark figure moved ever closer.  "You're a newbie!"
}
} "no!"
}
} "You're a stinking newbie!  You read the FAQ and a couple of old
} digests and now you think you can jump right in with our beloved
} in-jokes!"
}
} "no! i swear im' tellign the truht --"
}
} "Just look at this!" roared the dark figure, thrusting the note into
} the man's face.  "Zadoc!  W**dchucks!  Lisa!  Even bright red Siamese
} fighting fish!  Zadoc, how long has it been since we've had bright red
} Siamese fighting fish in a digest?"
}
} Flipping through a worn notebook maniacally, the little man at last
} screeched, "1036-09, oh miraculously melodious one, a delightful little
} study of in-jokes in itself, with --"
}
} "Enough!  Over 15 digests ago.  Any true follower would know that
} bright red Siamese fighting fish are old hat!  (Although, of course,
} they're sure to make it back after *this* sparkling Oracularity gets
} digested!)"
}
} "Of course!" cried the little man.
}
} "of course!" cried the man in the chair.
}
} "Quiet!" cried the dark figure.  "And what is this 'Hoi, Orrie'?
} Everyone knows 'Hoi' is addressed to Zadoc, not me!  You're a newbie!
} You're one of those nasty little CS students who comes back every fall
} and drains the queue and has no clue about how to give a funny reply
} and drives all my priests and incarnations insane!  You're a newbie,
} newbie, newbie! "
}
} The man in the chair began to sob and wail.  "alright, alright, i am a
} newibie i admit it!  i just wantd to belong! i just wanted to be
} coool." Great tears of anguish rolled down his cheeks.
}
} "Oh, for Pete's sake," muttered the dark figure.  "Zadoc, get the poor
} slob a Kleenex and untie him."  As the little man scrambled for a
} tissue, the dark figure flipped on some pleasant fluorescent lights,
} revealing the kind, fatherly face of the Oracle.  As the man in the
} chair alternately rubbed his wrists and wiped his nose, the Oracle
} spoke to him gently.  "Look, kid, we were all newbies at one time or
} another.  (Well, except for me, of course.) There's nothing wrong with
} it.  But you have to work up to using the in-jokes.  You can't just
} jump in with both feet like that.  Do you understand?"
}
} The man sniffed.  "sure, o grate and poewerful oracel, i undersnatd."
}
} "So you'll go and practice with some original questions until you're
} sure you know all the characters by heart?"
}
} "i promise."
}
} "And you won't go leaving me notes like this anymore?"
}
} "well ... about the note, i wsa reallly tyring to hepl you out wiht the
} wooodchukcs ..."
}
} "Oh, come on.  Do you expect me to believe this stuff about Zadoc being
} in league with them?"
}
} "no, see, it was'nt zadoc, it was zodac."
}
} "Zodac?"
}
} "yeah, see, z-o-d-a-c."
}
} "Ha ha!  Your own rotten spelling has tricked you, kid!  There is no
} such person as Zodac!  It's Zadoc, Z-a-d-o-c."
}
} "are you sure?"
}
} "Am I the Oracle?"
}
} "oh, yeah, rihgt.  sorry."
}
} "Well, all right, no big deal.  Now let's just forget this whole thing.
} You run along and stick to material you actually know about, you
} hear?"
}
} "yes sir mr. oracle, i wont' forgot."
}
} "And see that you capitalize my name from now on."
}
} "yes sir, Mr. Oracle."
}
} "And grovel."
}
} "Yes, Mr. Oracle, oh most mangificeint master."
}
} "All right.  Run along before I change my mind."
}
} The door slammed behind the frightened young man as he ran for his life
} away from Oracle HQ.
}
} "I love happy endings," said Zadoc.  Then, recognizing the gathering
} stormclouds of fury in the Oracle's face, he hid under the desk.
}
} "Worm!  It's not enough that the world already knows about your twin
} brother Zodoc (remember 1001-09, everybody?)!  Now they know about your
} evil little brother Zodac too!"
}
} "I'm sorry, master!  I must have been talking as I slept at my desk
} again! Please, master, spare me!  I live only to serve you, and --"
}
} "Enough, worm.  I'll zot you later.  There's plenty of planning to be
} done to squelch this uprising with Zodac and the w**dchucks.  Gather
} all the priests in the war room at once."
}
} "And you'll be there to lead us, oh great one?"
}
} "No, you idiot, I'll be with Lisa in the hot tub.  Those bright red
} Siamese fighting fish should be finishing off the banana ice cream
} about now, so I'll be just in time to save her and earn her eternal
} gratitude.  I'll come and lead you in about an hour."
}
} You owe the Oracle a happy ending to the Great W**dchuck War.  I'm
} pretty happy already with the ending of this scene.


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