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Internet Oracularities #1053

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Internet Oracularities #1053    (84 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 2 Oct 1998 12:20:03 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1053
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1053  84 votes 5gpqc 7csv6 4iDk3 skia8 azta0 6fqpc dutb1 dcmlg 5gvjd 8pqk5
1053  2.9 mean  3.3   3.2   3.0   2.4   2.5   3.3   2.5   3.2   3.2   2.9


1053-01    (5gpqc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                         TEN LITTLE SUPPLICANTS
}
}       The ten of them were all glad they had been invited to the large
} manor in the scenic resort town (usually last resort, but that's
} neither here nor there) of Bloomington, although none were particularly
} well acquainted with their host.
}       Suddenly, as if from nowhere, a mysteriously pinched voice
} boomed, "You are all accused of submitting blank questions to the
} Internet (nee Usenet) Oracle:
}
}       "Aaron M. Ucko, you submitted a blank question on January 30,
} 1997,
}       "Lambchop, you, along with your accomplice Shari Lewis,
} submitted a blank question on April 15, 1998,
}       "Paul Kelly, you submitted a blank question on October 9, 1995,
}       "Zadoc Worm, you submitted a blank question on -- well, on dates
} too numerous to mention, but most recently on September 24, 1998,
}       "Frida Kahlo, you submitted a blank question (from beyond the
} grave, no less, incurring all sorts of terrible postage-due charges) on
} April 16, 1997,
}       "Richard Simmons, you submitted a blank question on June 6, 1996,
}       "Richard Wilson, you submitted a blank question on March 10, 1996,
}       "Og Gruntgrunt, you submitted a blank question on July 4, 1998
}       "Lars Clausen, you submitted a blank question on December 12,
} 1997.
}
}       "How do you plead?"
}
}       All ten stood and stammered -- well, only nine at any one time,
} really, because sometimes it was Shari and sometimes it was Lambchop --
} and the Oracle could tell they were all guilty.  Of course, he'd known
} all along, but he always liked to see guilt written so plainly upon the
} countenance.  What he liked even better, though, was to see terror, and
} so, upon the wall in front of them, appeared the catchy little poem:
}
}       Ten little supplicants, standing in a line,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were nine.
}       Nine little supplicants, standing there agape,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were eight.
}       Eight little supplicants, doing something that rhymed with
}         "seven",
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were seven.
}       Seven little supplicants, standing there transfixed,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were six.
}       Six little supplicants, glad to be alive,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were five.
}       Five little supplicants, bolting for the door,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were four.
}       Four little supplicants, begging for mercy,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were three.
}       Three little supplicants not knowing what to do,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there were two.
}       Two little supplicants still trying to run,
}       One got *ZOT*ted and then there was one.
}       One little supplicant (*Phew*!  I'm nearly done!),
}       He got *ZOT*ted and then there were none.
}
}       Lars finally worked up the eloquence to say something.  "But
} c'mon, Orrie, I'm one of your oldest friends!  Besides, you can't
} convict me wholesale with *this* lot.  I mean, a ghost, a hand puppet,
} a Neanderthal, a fictional priest, and an Englishman?  There are only
} five real people here, and I'm stretching the definition of 'people' to
} include Richard Simmons."
}       The Oracle's heart was softened by this plea. "Perhaps you are
} right."  All was silent for a moment, and it seemed as though all would
} be forgiven.
}       Then Aaron cleared his throat and spoke,  "Besides, that's some
} singularly awful poetry there.  The meter's off, the rhyme's off, and
} it doesn't even hold together as a narrative."
}       It soon became apparent that this was the wrong thing to say, as
} various of the inmates started spontaneously combusting.  First Paul
} Kelly, then Shari Lewis, then Og, then Frida, then everybody else at
} once, as Orrie's attention span was wearing through at this point, and
} besides, it was disconcerting to have Lambchop running around without
} Shari.
}                               *       *
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.  I mean, really, two blank queries in a
} row?  I can understand some mailserver problems, but when you test my
} patience like that -- and I thought I was as diligent as usual in
} answering the first -- you end up with results like the above.


1053-02    (7csv6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, master of his world and all others, please tell me this:
>
> Why do the most repressive countries and governments all have
> "Democratic People's Republic" or some such in their name?
>
> The "Democratic People Republic of North Korea" is hardly the epitome
> of the working people. The "People's Republic of China" isn't exactly
> ruled by the common people. The old East German "German Democratic
> Republic" wasn't exactly free.
>
> Please help me to understand this. I'm trying to think of a new name
> for my country and am having a hard time deciding.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Quite simply, this is because there is a fixed amount of
} self-congratulation in the Universe, and since those who have
} something good to offer are usually too modest to say so, the others
} have to make up for it with excessive amounts of self-congratulation.
} Thus ordinary countries have boring names like "Canada" and
} "Australia", while oppressive ones have names like those mentioned.
} This also explains why Americans are so obsessively patriotic; they
} are making up for all the countries actually worth living in.
}
}     Of course, this extends to other fields as well. Consider, in
} science, real studies have names like "Physics" and "Biology", while
} many non-sciences have the word "Science" in their name. Examples are
} Creation Science, Political Science, Computer Science, and
} Scientology. Or consider that first statement ever published
} regarding Special Relativity was "It is known that Maxwell's
} electrodynamics - as usually understood at the present time - when
} applied to moving bodies, leads to asymmetries which do not appear
} to be inherent in the phenomena," while the latest quack is likely to
} describe his/her "findings" as "This is the most AMAZING absolutely
} astounding discovery of the century, if not of all time!!!"
}
}     Or consider Usenet: We have rec.humor, containing no humor,
} rec.humor.funny, containing nothing that is actually funny, and
} rec.humor.oracle.d, containing no discussion about the Oracle. In
} fact, there is only one rec.humor subgroup containing _anything_ even
} resembling humor, and you are probably reading it right now. Indeed, I
} have yet to find _any_ newsgroup in which more than 2% of the posts
} have anything to do with what the name of the group implies. Related
} to this are the group names, such as comp.os.ms-windows, that are
} oxymorons in themselves, but I wont go into them here. Lets just hope
} that nobody forms a rec.music.spice-girls. (Unless, of course, it is
} actually named rec.music.spice-girls.die.die.die, or better yet,
} rec.music.spice-girls.aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.help.help.help)
}
}     In any case, regarding the name of your new country, I would have
} to say that "The People's Republic of Texas" sounds better than "The
} Texas Democratic Republic". In _no_ case should you use the currently
} planned name of "Dat Dere Big Ol' Countruh Dat Wahs Wuns A YooEss
} Stait", as it is likely to earn you even more disrespect than you
} already have.
}
} You owe the Oracle a position on your cabinet.


1053-03    (4iDk3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie, who knows everything,
>
> Should I become a Zen Buddhist?  What's Zen all about, anyway?
> I love you!  I love you!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} TOP TEN REASONS TO BECOME A ZEN BUDDHIST
}
} 10. You don't understand Zen Buddhism.
} 9. You understand Zen Buddhism.
} 8. The ringing in your ear is the sound of one hand clapping.
} 7. You want to join a cult but the Scientologists weird you out.
} 6. Bald, fat, smiling men turn you on.
} 5. People never understood your anecdotes until you called them "koans".
} 4. Your dog has Buddha-nature.
} 3. Hey, who wouldn't want to be just like Richard Gere?
} 2. You think you've already achieved enlightenment, and just want to
}    check.
}
} And the number one reason to become a Zen Buddhist:
}
} 1. MU
}
} The Oracle has decided that enthusiastic declarations of affection are
} even better than grovelling, so you don't owe the Oracle anything.


1053-04    (skia8 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please send me subject about Electronics.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bzzzzzzzz. Whiirrrrrrrr. Donk donk donk. Buddabuddabudda. Rrrrrrr.
} Swishswosh swishswosh. Tatatatatatatatatata. Hmmmmmmmm. Bdoing!


1053-05    (azta0 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I tried following your advise, but the plutonium
> sphere just won't fit.  Should I try pounding it with a hammer or
> something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, this is most distressing.  I told you your daughter wanted
} Pluto, AKA Pluto the dog.  Definitely not Plutonium.  However, if
} you've already invested in the Plutonium sphere, you might as well use
} it - all kids love dazzling fireworks.  You show much insight into
} physics by proposing to use M.C.Hammer, however, years of abuse have
} inured Plutonium to it.  I suggest you use the infamous Spice Girls.
} Place the Plutonium sphere in a lead hermetically sealed container and
} divide it in two. Upon hearing the dastardly bad music,  the Plutonium
} balls will scurry around in attempted escape, clash into each other
} forcibly and the rest is up to modern physics.
} This works marvellously well on human beings too, but the results are
} less spectacular.
}
} Happy Birthday!
}
} You owe the Oracle a rock band named 'The Plutonium Balls'.


1053-06    (6fqpc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who can solve Game's Magazine's Wild Cards while
> waiting for a webpage to load on a T3,
>
> What do the following have in common?
>
> Fnord
> Zork
> Linux
> Xena
> Narf
> Qwerty
> Bridgette
> Iomega
> Rhod
> SimCity

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Any one of them, when spoken aloud, will cause Windows NT to crash.
}
} You owe the Oracle a microkernel.


1053-07    (dutb1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I expect an answer*now*you 2bit grovel hungry piece of rhino dung!!!
> Ooops.
> NO!NO!I ONLY MEANT...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I resent this implication! The Perl script that implements my
} Incarnations is far larger than two bits! It took Steve Kinzler at
} least a whole hour to code it up!
}
} You owe the Oracle Perl 6.0


1053-08    (dcmlg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you, Pac Man's been looking for those dentures for quite some
} time.


1053-09    (5gvjd dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> : tellme
>   Oracle great you witty wise wonderful and and are.
>   I you before down bow.
>
>   I FORTH recently studying been have,
>     good it at getting am and.
>
>   Problem my
>     friends all my me anymore understand not can
>   is.
>   They
>     I Yoda like talk
>   that say.
>
>   Please me help!
>   I what do can?
> ;

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (have-spent (you (with postfix notation)) (time (too much)))
} (has-moved (world the) (to (notation prefix)))
}
} (if (learn you Lisp)
}     (will-understand (friends your) you)
}
} (owe you (Oracle great wise omnivorous)
}      (and (port Linux (to Machine Turing))
}           (grammar (in Lisp) (that works really))))


1053-10    (8pqk5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient oracle, whose objects are always oriented outrageously,
> I'm studying C++ and I just learned about friend classes.  I think it's
> so cool that they can be friends.  But can there be enemies too?  And
> what other kinds are there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, enemy classes were proposed too late to be added to the C++
} Standard. However, some compilers support them as a non-standard
} extension.
}
} For example, MS Visual C++ 6.0 will use the `enemy' keyword to mark a
} class written in Java, like so :
}
} typedef enemy class java.awt.Dialog JDialog;
}
} int main(int, char **) {
}   JDialog dlg = new JDialog();
}   dlg->add(new (enemy java.awt.Button("Test")));
}   dlg->execute();
} }
}
} The syntax is a little confusing, but this is C++ we're talking about,
} so that's no big suprise.
}
} In the latest development version of egcs (1.1), the `enemy' keyword is
} used to mark a class whose members are not allowed to access ANY of the
} enclosed declarations. Also implemented in egcs1.1 is the `lover'
} keyword. egcs changes the `friend' keyword so that friends no longer
} have access to a classes private parts, only the protected parts. The
} new `lover' keyword is the equivilant of the standard `friend' keyword.
}
} It is believed that Borland C++ Builder introduces several new
} protection keywords, specifically
}
}   `published' : published methods _can_ be exported from the United
}                 States even if they would be otherwise classed as
}                 munitions.
}
}   `parental-guidance' : protects methods of this category from being
}                 called directly by a class without an instance of it's
}                 ancestor class present.
}
}   `pretend' : These methods can be called. If they don't exist, it will
}               pretend they do. WARNING : it may not do what you intend
}               it to do.
}
} However, since almost no-one uses Borland C++ Builder, this is still an
} unconfirmed rumour.
}
} You owe the Oracle a source-code licence to egcs.


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