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The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great Oracle, who always knows where the TV remote is, > > What would a Babylon 5 episode written by William Gibson or Stephen > King be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Stephen King: Sheridan would start seeing strange things which nobody } else could see, and his sanity would be questioned.  Only Delenn } would believe him -- though her belief would be tinged somewhat with } doubt -- but she would be killed early on in the episode, and return } in spectral form to blame him for her death.  The whole episode would } build up to a dramatic conclusion -- and bear a remarkable resemblance } to some classic horror novel or movie -- but end disappointingly when } they discover that it was all being caused by something lame, like a } giant psychic cockroach.  Or possibly a spider. } } William Gibson: Everyone would get cyber-interface implants, and the } episode would focus mainly on how the implants work.  Lots of eye candy } as the characters explore cyberspace, and lots of technical doubletalk, } but no real substance, plot or characterization -- the protagonists } would be turned into two-dimensional caricatures.  In other words, it } would be mistaken for an episode of Star Trek. } } You owe the Oracle a date with Lyta.  Preferably while her eyes are } solid black.  For some reason, I find that really sexy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hehe, let's see you finish this one, Mr. Smarty-Oracle! > > There once was an Oracle from Valhalla....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There once was an Oracle from Valhalla.... } Who's poetic syllables were incorrect } They neither did rhyme } Or make anyone impressed } Because he was just a fake

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Oracle omniscient, who's shoes I am not worthy to spit shine, >  please deign to answer this humble supplicant's insignificant >  question: > >  According to the cover article of the July, 1931 issue of Popular >  Science which I found in my attic this afternoon, we should have >  all been flying autogyros and speaking Esperanto by now. > >  What happened?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unfortunately, that issue of Popular Science was written well before } I came on staff with the magazine. Therefore, any predictions made in } it have no basis in actual Oracular foresight and instead are there } to create the impression that the writer had some special knowledge } which he was gracious enough to share, while really he was as clueless } as everyone else (except me of course) and was just spouting off. } After all, the writer of that article is probably dead now (figuring } about 25-30 years of age at the time of article and counting on the } three-score and ten principle) so what does he care that someone has } found that his prediction was a hoax sixty years after the fact. } Now, if I had written that article, I could have told you that at } this time in history you would be driving your exhaust-belching tank } of a car to a dismal office where you sit in microscopic cubicles } e-mailing questions to the Oracle while your boss dozes. Fortunately, } I don't die, so you can call me to account with my next prediction -- } I foresee that in the year 2060 we will all be flying autogyros and } speaking Esperanto.  How's that for going out on a limb? } } You owe the Oracle all your back-issues of Popular Science.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     To Orrie, on Going to Get Some Work Done > > Tell me not, Sweet, I am unkind >   That from the comedy > Of thy keen wit and brilliant mind, >   To work I now apply. > > To a new master I must sing: >   My boss (his name is Bob), > And do all my best groveling >   If I'm to keep this job. > > Yet this inconstancy is such >   You surely must desire. > I could not send thee mail so much > If I were to get fired.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     To a Supplicant, on His Return from the Rat Race } } Oh, where have ye been, young supplicant mine? }   Oh, where have ye been, my fellow so fine? } I have been at the office; Orrie, answer me soon, }   For I'm utterly knackered, and I fain would lie doon. } } Oh, what did ye do, young supplicant mine? }   And why are ye blue, my fellow so fine? } I wrote lots of code; Orrie, answer me soon, }   For my carpals are tunnelled, and I fain would lie doon. } } Oh, what did ye eat, young supplicant mine? }   Some nice healthy treat, my fellow so fine? } I had pizza and coffee; Orrie, answer me soon, }   For I've got indigestion, and I fain would lie doon. } } And what of your boss, young supplicant mine? }   Why was he so cross, my fellow so fine? } He found all my JPEGs; Orrie, answer me soon, }   For I'm oh so embarrassed, and I fain would lie doon. } } Oh, I fear he has sacked ye, young supplicant mine! }   Without even a thankye, my fellow so fine! } Yes, I got the big elbow; Orrie, answer me soon, }   For tomorrow I sign on, and I fain would lie doon.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, infinitely complex and intergrally undifferentiable Oracle who > knows no bounds, real or imaginary! > > My combinatorial theory textbook says the only prerequisite to studying > combinatorial theory is that one has reached a state of "mathematical > maturity." They suggest that this sort of maturity is attained by the > study of calculus and linear algebra. This smells to me more like the > journey to buddahood than the preparation for a math class, you know, e > is for enlightenment and all. What is mathematical maturity and do I > have it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       In fact, the two (mathematical maturity and buddahood) are one } and the same, although it is not yet commonly known.  Here is a brief } timeline of upcoming developments on this topic: } 2014: Dr. Bud Hah succesfully proves that 0=1 } 2019: Dr. E. Lightenment finds a mathematical description of buddahood } 2046: Dr. Nerf Vanna demonstrates that the limit of the enlightenment } of any person as their age approaches infinity is equal to buddahood. } 2047: Dr. Nerf Vanna announces (while floating over Stanford } University) that he has demonstrated that anyone who can understand the } mathematical description of buddahood achieves it.  He refuses to } explain why, insisting that anyone who understands the equation will } see why (and achieve buddahood.) } }       As for your having, asking the question denies your own } mathematical maturity.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ] > |> <grovel et al. snipped> > ] > |> > ] > |> > What is your favourite letter of the Cyrillic alphabet?  I > ] > |> > personally prefer zh, though shch will do in a pinch. > ] > |> > ] > |> And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > ] > |> > ] > |> } Since the Cyrillic alphabet originates in the greek alphabet I > ] > |> } would prefer the old alphabet used in greece. > ] > |> } > ] > |> } You owe the oracle a ticket to greece. > ] > |> } _________________________________________________________ > ] > |> } DO YOU YAHOO!? > ] > |> } Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com > ] > > ] > What I wouldn't *give* to send that incarnation to Greece, where > ] > s/he would presumably not have computer access. > ] > ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > ] > ] } P > > At least it was a relevant response; I suppose I should resist the > temptation to go on the trip to Greece with those incarnations and push > them off the plane somewhere over the Alps.  Or should I?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the Casebook of T.I. Oracle, P.I. } } It was a file I hadn't looked at in a long time.  The question } seemed simple enough.  "What is your favourite letter of the } Cyrillic alphabet?"  But one of my zany incarnations had seen fit } to answer with a serious response.  It was ugly.  The supplicant was } not satisfied with the answer, and wrote back expressing a desire to } rob the incarnation of his computer access by sending him to Greece. } The response had been even worse, a snide comment meant to belittle } the supplicant while at the same time mocking all other incarnations. } } It was horrible.  My partner was the supplicant that night.  He ended } up dead and I ended up with four shots in me.  One of them was lead, } the other three were whiskey. } } What had gone wrong?  There must have been something that we missed. } Something we weren't meant to see. But what was it? } } Suddely, my eyes scanned across the page and landed on the relevant } line.  Shaking, I reached for my yellow highlighter and slowly drew } a line of color across the words.... } } "DO YOU YAHOO!?" } } Of course!  The supplicant's answer had been another question! } The supplicant took that as a cue to reply.  But why the dead partner, } then? } } Because the supplicant's response was obviously a statement, not a } question.  And my partner, in all his glorious stupidity, had replied } with yet another question.  "Or should I?" A code!  The supplicant } was an agent, seeking confirmation. The Cyrillic alphabet, Yahoo, } constant references to Greece, they all started to tumble together } in my head.  Or should I?  What could have set someone off about it? } } Quickly I racked my brain, trying to figure out the code.  Greece. } Cyrillic.  The key had to be in there.  I photocopied the page and } held it up to the light.  Yes.  It was in there somewhere.  Greece. } Cyrillic.  Why not a simple conversion code? } } I took the first letter of every word and converted it to its Greek } phoenetic equivalent, then numbered them off by their place in the } Greek alphabet.  I then totaled the numbers, divided by Jon Bon Jovi's } underwear size, tripled the resulting number, translated it into base } 4 numbers, and then divided by twenty-six.  The answer was plain for } anybody to see. } } "Where should I drop the bird off, Mugsy?" } } And the reply from the first incarnation, a traitor in my own } organization! } } "Take the last train to Clarksville and I'll meet you at the station." } } So why the dead partner?  There had to be something more.  Perhaps my } partner had stumbled onto something?  Maybe his message had been in } the code by accident? } } Trembling, I quickly translated the final question.  There it was, } in all its horrible glory. } } "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck...." } } Poor Sam.  He brought it all down on himself. } } I closed the case of Call and Response, never to re-open it.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "The question is, gentlemen, can Linux Pauling find the cure for > Microsoftia Windosa?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sure.  Vitamin C++.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most kinetic king of the keyboard, have you ever made a typo and > smitten someone with something really wild, like the "Staff of Zit" or > the "Staff of Zog" or the "Starr of Xor"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Numerus times, actuially. } } Note the following examples: } } Staff of Zit: supplicant wound up with a severe case of acne.  Not } pretty. } } Staff of Zorg: Remember the ZF-1 from The Fifth Element?  that's it. } The replay button got jammed, and I'm still working on repairing that } wall I took out.  I know many things, but how I used that one I have no } idea - I must've been drunk at the time.  The supplicant, however, } never recovered from the holes. } } Staff of Zor - The supplicant I used this one on started talking like a } badly English-dubbed Japanese animated TV show. } } Staff of Aot - One of the semi-positive ones.  Supplicant learned how } to code a.out executables for Unix in C, however couldn't use the u or } period. } } Staff of Zort - one word: Pinky. } } Staff of Zpt - Three words: Bill The Cat. } } Staff of Zlt - Supplicant had asked a rather surreal question, and as a } result of this typo, he turned into a zymurgy lettuce and tomato } sandwich. } } I try avoiding using those staves, but sometimes they're rather } entertaining. } } You owe the Oracle 100% accuricy.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's all this fuss about the American President?  In Japan, they > knew he was "erected" for two terms.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Top Ten Reasons Why Asking M*n*c* L*w*nsk* Questions Should }   Replace Asking Woodchuck Questions as the Most Zottable Offense }   --------------------------------------------------------------- } } 10. You don't hear people blathering about woodchucks every f--king }     time you turn on the television. } } 9. Similarly, you don't hear everyone else who thinks they have a }    sense of humor telling endless strings of boring jokes where the }    punchline is always "woodchuck." } } 8. M*n*c* L*w*nsk* is much more unattractive than most woodchucks. } } 7. So much more unattractive, that Joel Furr might mistake her for a }    lemur and start using the Oracle again. } } 6. Most Oracle incarnations spend too much time in front of their }    computers to know enough to say anything funny involving sex. } } 5. While the woodchuck question involves a stupid pun a single word, }    it is impossible say _anything_ regarding the M*n*c* L*w*nsk* }    matter that doesn't allow for a mind-numbing variety of bad puns, }    I.E. "She really is open to him coming clean about this mess; you }    can see it on her face." } } 4. The National Marmot Preservation Society is threatening to sue }    and/or throw red paint at me, while nobody would actually care if the }    whole M*n*c* L*w*nsk* matter "mysteriously" vanished one day. } } [Unfortunately, I was forced to delete the remainder of this list, as }  recent scientific studies have shown that listening to eight or more }  consecutive statements involving American politics may increase one's }  risk of uncontrollable vomiting, seizure, and internal hemorrhaging }  by up to 165%. While you clearly deserve this for not groveling, I }  would like to spare the priest(ess) who has to read this from such a }  fate.] } } You owe the Oracle a version of V-Chip that censors out everything } involving Billygate (both the presidential scandal and the } Antichr^H^H^H^H^H^H^HMicrosoft chairman), and a better grovel.

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise, > > why is a captain in the navy a much higher rank than a captain in the > army?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's all about the toys.  A captain in the army has some men, a gun for } each man and maybe a radio.  A captain in the navy has about the same } number of men, a ship, usually some pretty big guns, and a complex } communications and threat detection suite.  The things he commands are } just of more importance. } } You owe the Oracle Super Soaker 2500CPS.  I need toys, too...