[IO]
Internet Oracle
22 Jul 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 11:22:13 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1056

Goto:
1056, 1056-01, 1056-02, 1056-03, 1056-04, 1056-05, 1056-06, 1056-07, 1056-08, 1056-09, 1056-10


Internet Oracularities #1056    (69 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 17 Oct 1998 19:57:41 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1056
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1056  69 votes 6knf5 3cpp4 4jrh2 brjb1 36iwa 29mr9 79xi2 57alq 3jrh3 43alv
1056  3.2 mean  2.9   3.2   2.9   2.5   3.6   3.5   3.0   3.8   3.0   4.0


1056-01    (6knf5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do so many people want to go to hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This requires investigation. I think I'll step outside.
}
} *I approach a man on the street
} Me: Sir, do you want to go to hell?
} MOTS: F*** off!
}
} Hmm, that wasn't very helpful; but this is New York, after all. Let's
} head out to the suburbs.
}
} *I approach a mother pushing a stroller
} Me: Ma'am, do you want to go to hell?
} MPAS: Jehovah's Witnesses? I'm not interested.
}
} Ah here... Adventure Travel Inc.
}
} *I enter and approach a yuppie looking at some brochures
} Me: Sir, do you want to go to hell?
} YLASB: I just did Arctic hiking this summer. A hot place sounds pretty
} good for Christmans vacations, but I'm really not planning that far
} ahead, thanks.
}
} That's the best result I've gotten so far, and it's not much. Where
} should I go next? I know! The basket-weaving fair.
}
} *I approach a pretty girl at a booth
} Me: Miss, would you like to go to hell?
} PGAAB: <with a dazzling smile> No, thanks, but if you're going there we
} have some excellent handbaskets...
}
} You owe the Oracle a good, long, deep, loud groan. And Phil's
} pitchspoon.


1056-02    (3cpp4 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who knows everything and has never had to deal with
> this particular problem;
>
> About two years ago I decided to major in physics. Having missed a
> couple of hundred early morning lectures, it seems that I don't
> actually understand any of it - I put everyone else's midterm marks way
> above average by writing 'I am a fish' on the paper - and will be
> switching to philosophy next year. My problem now is all about failing
> in style.
>
> I was considering just not turning up to the final, but that's not
> really enough fun.
> I downloaded a list of '50 fun things to do in exams', but the only one
> that looks any good is showing up completely drunk, and I've done that
> before anyway.
>
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go into the final exam, and wait until about halfway through, just when
} everybody's starting to wonder whether they'll get done in time.  Then
} stand up on your desk, put on a pair of cool shades, and start rapping:
}
} Yo, yo, yo!
} I'm MC Squared and I'm here to say
} That Force is equal to Mass times A.
} Went cruisin' with my homies near the speed of light
} Got back, it was next Saturday night.
} I ain't no O.G. but I'll have you know
} That pullin' down on me is One G, 'ro.
} (That's 9.8 meters per second squared...punk.)
} Told cool cats in my crowd 'bout the Schroedinger jive
} Now they ain't even sure if they really alive.
} Now thermodynamics force me to say
} That all o' this is gonna end someday.
}
} Then just do the "beep box" until someone hauls you off.
}
} You owe the Oracle Einstein's demo tape from when he had aspirations to
} be a singer.


1056-03    (4jrh2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Virtual, I must once again seek your wisdom as
> there seems to be no one else to whom I may turn.
>
> I must re-design and lay out our data center in preparation
> for mergers and acquisitions.  I've figured out the network
> and the power requirements, the hardware placement and the
> ergonomics for the staff, but can find no references for how
> to plan the feng shui in a computer room.
>
> What *is* the proper feng shui for a datacenter, anyway?
>                                                 <N>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Feng shui is very simple, and has an actual mechanical basis.  You must
} arrange things so that no harm comes to things (or people using them)
} from their placement.  For example, it is bad to place your house at
} the point across from where a street "T" connects into another street.
} The reason is that heavily laden lorries or speeding teenagers won't be
} able to stop at the end of the street, and will plough into the house.
}
} Here are instances of bad feng shui to be avoided:
}  - Placing a data switch where the air conditioner will leak water all
}    over it.
}  - Placing the magnetic-tape storage rack in the transformer room.
}  - Placing desks, tables and chairs where the users will trip and fall
}    onto the computers.  Gushing blood ruins logic.
}
} In general, and on a more esoteric level, you should seek to avoid
} single-point-of-failure disasters.  Strive to keep the electrical
} outlets for crucial equipment hidden so that the guy with the floor
} polisher won't unplug your stuff to run his machine.  Label your cables
} on both ends.  Try to keep fork-lift trucks away from your datacenter
} at all times, because the electric ones have noisy SCR circuits and the
} propane ones have bad spirits and will contaminate your air; besides,
} they'll punch holes in your data closet and rip out wires.
}
} See, it wasn't that hard.  Ni dong feng shui ma?


1056-04    (brjb1 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most culinarily competent Oracle:
>
> I read about "Escarole Fungaroli" in one of the Oracularities.
> Can you send me a recipe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why certainly, suplicant.
}
} - 10 Barbagalean Noli-Noli Snails
} - 4 button mushrooms (plucked from a jacket potato), diced
} - 2 onions, finely chopped
} - 5 Compuserve Disks
} - Half a can of ZOTted supplicant^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hfine ash
} - 1 Tbs oil
} - Seasoning to taste
} - Newts' eyes garnish
}
} Pluck the snails out of their shells.
} Crush the Compuserve disks along with the snail shells in a mixing
}   basin.
} Add the ashes; add water until smooth consistency is reached.
} Gently fry the onions, mushrooms and snails in the oil until browned.
}   Add to the mixture.
} Place mixture into baking dish, bake for an hour on 200C, season and
}   garnish.
}
} Finally, feed it to somebody you don't like, and make yourself some cup
} noodles instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle some penecillin


1056-05    (36iwa dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if yer so much smarter than me, wy cant yoo com up with a beter rply
> than this:
>
> << haha your so stupid you cant spell hahahahaha im much smarter then
>    you >>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome Supplicant!
}
}       Due to the recent decline in profit over the past fiscal year, we
} at the Internet Oracle would like to introduce our newest financial
} efficacy program, Vision 2000!  In order to deal with the demands of
} increasing operating costs while still meeting the needs of you, the
} supplicant, the Internet Oracle has subcontracted out their oracular
} duties to reputable disciples of the Oracle who have undergone a six
} week training course consisting of sensitivity training, rigorous study
} of the oracular tradition, and chocolate pudding wrestling.
}       But wait, you say, will these subcontracted disciples still be
} able to competently answer my queries?  Never fear, gentle supplicant!
} Vision 2000 has been developed to analyze your intellectual capacity
} through the means of high levels of radiation through your monitor, and
} Vision 2000 will match up your inquiry to a disciple who is more than
} adequately skilled to deal with the complexity and creativity of your
} problem!
}       Having gone through the records, it is evident that your previous
} query was routed to
}
} TIMMY:  AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY QUARANTINED AT HOME FOR HEAD LICE, WHO
} HAS A TENDENCY TO EAT HIS OWN EARWAX.
}
}       We at the Internet Oracle regret that his response was not to your
} satisfaction.  Rest assured that
}
} TIMMY:  AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD BOY QUARANTINED AT HOME FOR HEAD LICE,  WHO
} HAS A TENDENCY TO EAT HIS OWN EARWAX
}
}       will be given a stern talking-to, and will have to undergo
} three more weeks of sensivity training before going back on the job.
} Meanwhile, your query has been re-routed to another of our experts
} here at the Internet Oracle, and the response will be forthcoming.
} We hope that this response is to your satisfaction, as Vision 2000 has
} made a herculean effort to direct your query to the proper disciple.
} Your new oracle is
}
} BOBETTE:  A FEMALE DWARF SIBERIAN HAMSTER WITH A SERIOUS CASE OF MANGE.
}
} Bobette writes in response:
}
} zfddhbvyit797-oi;lk][p098765uygty5sd23a21     1iulkh,m>,
} [p=\
}
}                               Thank you for your feedback!
}
}                                       The Management


1056-06    (29mr9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracular Systems Management
> 2938 Ishpan Lane, Indiana                "OSM, When the solution, is the
> Phone: 555-123-111 Fax 555-123-1                   the only solution..."
> ------------------------------I-N-V-O-I-C-E-----------------------------
> |Date  | Work *Friendly reminder, your payment is now overdue* | Cost  |
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 3 BC     Manicure and finger realign.                        36 francs
> 12/0000  Abacus beed replacment.                             1 goat
>
> 01/1031  Crystal ball wax, pollish, and buff.                62 gold pcs
> 04/1252  Bones shine and re-enchant                          11p
> 13/1663  Slide Rule re-numbering.                            $47 HK
>
> 04/1823  Difference engine sprocket refit, and grease        2.3m Yen
> 08/1944  Valve re-suck.                                      55 cows
> 02/1969  Reem of psycedelic punched paper card s             $63 N.Z
> 12/1973  Crane hire for Harddisk Installation                62 marks
> 09/1988  Priest party clean up fee.                          81 lira
> 10/1990  Cray SP3 installation.                              $120 Aus
> 12/1990  Cray SP3 emergency shutdown and decontamination     34m rupels
> 06/1994  Neural net core realignment + node attenuator refit $42k US
> 02/1998  Virtual GasNet filtered, cleaned, and refilled      86m Pasos
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> *Please note, our terms are strictly 2000 years. Your payment is now
> overdue**

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} T.I. Oracle Enterprises
} 42 Delphi Crescent
} Suite 1200
} Zadoc, Indiana
} 90210
}
} Dear Sirs,
}
}       I have sent repeated letters to cancel my membership, but still, I
} receieve these annoying little subscription notices that tell me to fill
} it out and send it in so that I don't recieve the Item of the Month.
} Last month, your 'Recommended Oracular Pick' was a Motorola 66010
} Multi-Processor Upgrade for an Aviion DG/UX Midrange...
}
} What the hell am I going to do with that???
}
} Centuries ago, I filled out a form I found in the middle of "Supplicant
} Monthly" that said '11 Virgins for 1 Goat' and sent it in. Sure,
} I got my 9 Virgins, plus a note that read:
}
} 'We're sorry that we could not fulfill your order. Due to the
} popularity of this promotion, and high demand of virgins, we are
} temporarily out of stock.  Please accept these substitutions instead:'
}
} 1 - Disgruntled Male Nurse
} 1 - Sacrificial Lamb
} 3 - Chaste Cows
}
} While the lamb was delicious, and I sold the cows for a tidy profit,
} I have had nothing but headaches with the male nurse. I immediately
} cancelled my membership... but the cards kept coming.  I filled them
} out and sent them back as soon as they came in, but you kept sending
} me products.
}
} 1 - Univac Tune-Up Kit
} 1 - Euchre for Linux - 5 User License (Which I thought was odd for a
}     4-player game)
} 1 - C++ For Dummies Manual
} 1 - Matching Pair of His and Hers Gold Lamay Togas
} 1 - Hotmail Address
}
} I also started recieving junk mail like you wouldn't believe. It seems
} that I may already be a winner of $10,000,000, and I have more '10
} HOURS FREE on AOL' diskettes than I can handle.
}
} I have changed my address twice now, but it seems that your collection
} department is more persistant than my student loans officer, so...
} I give up... you win. Please accept this cheque for 18,450,000 Drachma,
} as full payment for all the products and services you have innundated
} me with, and please transfer my account to my new address:
}
} 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
} Washington, D.C.
} 04135
}
} Sincerely,
}
} T.I. Oracle.


1056-07    (79xi2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just WHO is Lisa? Is she merely a digital construct for RHODers?
> Or based on some voluptuous carbon unit that exist(s/ed) in the
> real world?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, she exists, just as much as I do. There have been days in which I
} was convinced she was nothing more than a figment of my imagination,
} but those were usually the days that involved one of several things:
}
}   * Lots of Tequila or Jack Daniels,
}
}   * Huge amounts of w__dch_ck questions,
}
}   * Lisa was in one of her bondage/sado-masichistic phases, and well,
}     hallucinations are quite common when subjected to that, as any
}     american POW in vietnam could tell you.
}
} In reality, she's really a very nice person. Really! And I'm not just
} saying that because she noticed what I'm typing and is holding my
} <ZOT> wand to my back. If she cud mve t to the eft typng wld be easer
} ahhh... much better.
}
} To tell you the truth, my life may have been much simpler without
} her, but not nearly as exciting and fun. And I know this because
} she told me so. Who needs oracular wisdom when your girlfriend can
} tell you everything you need to know?
}
} Anyway, I had best stop while I'm ahead. I don't want to say anything
} that she might make me regret.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ball-and-chain, and 3 pairs of leather shackles.


1056-08    (57alq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most insightful Oracle, thou who can see auras, energy fields, etc.,
> even though they don't exist.
>
> Oracle, Homeopathic Medicine is based around the postulate that water
> has a 'memory' and can 'remember' chemicals after massive dilution,
> and preserve their effects. Now, the human body is about 70% water.
> How is it then that I can never remember anything myself?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why are you asking the Oracle this? The Oracle is a source of _truth_,
} and truth plays about as big a part in "alternative" medicine as
} ethics, honesty, and integrity do in United States political campaigns.
} What you need to learn to do is make up scientific-sounding "theories,"
} then invent even more scientific-sounding reasons to explain why they
} are completely unconfirmed by the evidence.
}
} In any case, once you have written up some fancy-sounding heavily
} jargon-laden crap like "The homeopathic memory wave patterns are
} embedded according to the hydrostatic reactions between the fluctuating
} thermoluminescent Higg's bosons and the anti-piezoelectric
} photorefractive oscillators," you can use the following form to
} explain away any experiments which seem to contradict your ideas (just
} check whatever sounds best, and never let accuracy get the way of a
} good-sounding excuse):
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                      Form #156M69C3H2672-BS-6
}            (Standard pseudoscientific bullshit excuse form)
}
} The experiment ( ) failed to work as expected
}                ( ) failed to work as expected in the eyes of James Randi
}                ( ) failed to work as expected, but succeeded in spirit
}                ( ) annoyed James Randi
}                ( ) worked just fine
}
} because the ( ) pseudo- ( ) electrical         ( ) energy auras
}             ( ) quasi-  ( ) quantum mechanical ( ) wave patterns
}             ( ) meta-   ( ) chaotic            ( ) vibrations
}             ( ) sorta-  ( ) irrational         ( ) materializations
}             ( ) kinda-  ( ) psychosassic       ( ) Republicans
}
} clearly failed to ( ) harmonize with
}                   ( ) synchronize with
}                   ( ) transcendentalize to
}                   ( ) Important Sounding Buzzword(TM) in relation to
}                   ( ) have any desire to be in the same room with
}
} the ( ) misaligned   ( ) magnetic    ( ) tachyons.
}     ( ) radioactive  ( ) dielectric  ( ) muons.
}     ( ) unnatural    ( ) fluorescent ( ) morons.
}     ( ) holistic     ( ) spiritual   ( ) bogons.
}     ( ) unhappy      ( ) repressed   ( ) Vogons.
}
} Additionally, there was an unexpectedly high
} level of ( ) sonoluminescent           ( ) radio interference
}          ( ) Hamiltonian               ( ) cosmic ray variance
}          ( ) microspectrophotometrical ( ) energy
}          ( ) conspiratorial            ( ) Big Government(TM) influence
}          ( ) bad                       ( ) karma
}
} present in the lab, causing the experiment to give the results
} predicted by ( ) The Second Law of Thermodynamics.
}              ( ) Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle.
}              ( ) Goldschmidt's Mineralogical Phase Rule.
}              ( ) Murphy's Law.
}              ( ) today's horoscope column.
}
} Besides, the results should be completely disregarded,
} because ( ) the experimenter was kidnaped, wrongfully imprisoned,
}             shot, stabbed, and/or set on fire by a vicious
}             marauding band of the dreaded "THEY" people.
}         ( ) a skeptic may have been within a 500 mile radius of
}             the laboratory.
}         ( ) failure is proof of success in this case.
}         ( ) God told me my theories are absolutely correct.
}         ( ) I have incriminating photographs of you doing
}             inappropriate things with farm animals.
}
} In conclusion, ( ) this AMAZING product is clearly worth the $999.95 I
}                    am asking for it.
}                ( ) closed-minded bigots like you will never see
}                    anything positive about the world.
}                ( ) your skepticism is further proof of the massive
}                    worldwide conspiracy against me.
}                ( ) you should just believe me, it REALLY works!
}                ( ) you should repent now, for the day of judgement is
}                    at hand!!!
}
} References: ( ) Olson, G. and Royal, F. F. "Illness as a Delusion:
}                 Understanding the Meaning of Symptoms," Frontier
}                 Perspectives, Vol 3. No. 1 (1998), pp. 24-28.
}             ( ) Hubbard, L. R. "Dianetics: The Modern Science of
}                 Mental Health" (Los Angeles, CA: The American Saint
}                 Hill Organization, 1950.)
}             ( ) Jimison, S. "Top Scientists Baffled by Mysterious Alien
}                 Artifacts -- Invasion Imminent!" Weekly World News,
}                 July 27, 1982, pp. B-1, B-12.
}             ( ) Gently, D. "The Fundamental Interconnectedness of All
}                 Things," London Journal of Holistic Studies, Vol. 42,
}                 No. 42 (1987), pp. 42-52.
}             ( ) Elohim, Y. "Genesis" (Eden: Moses & Sons, 4004 B.C.)
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime subscription to _Skeptical Inquirer_.


1056-09    (3jrh3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, who I hope isn't going to charge me an outrageous
> fee for his services, therapists claim that the reason they charge
> such ooutrageous fees is that they want to be sure people who come to
> them are serious about wanting to get better.  I think it's because
> they know people with serious personal problems who are desparate to
> get rid of them will pay whatever they're told to pay.  Uet another
> person once said it's because listening to someone talk about nothing
> but themselves for an hour is deadly dull.  So which is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay, here's a test supplicant...
}
} 1) Would you rather be locked in a room with:
} a) A beautiful, wealthy speciman of humanity.
} b) Some psychotic street person with a shiv.
}
} 2) Would you rather listen to someone telling you about:
} a) How they no longer love their significant other and
}    only want to find some romance/love in their life.
} b) How everybody is out to get them including you.
}
} 3) Would you rather have an office with:
} a) A couch and clientelle of young, beautiful people.
} b) A bucket and recycling bin for empty liquor bottles.
}
} 4) Would you become a therapist to:
} a) make scads of money and meet the occassional client
}    for after therapy drinks.
} b) help humanity including people you wouldn't give
}    your home address to.
}
} If you answered B to any of these questions you might
} consider forking over a bit more money for your own
} therapy sessions.
}
} Actually the honest answer is...
}
} *RING*
}
} I'm sorry, our time is up for this session. You owe
} the Great Oracle a half dozen more superlatives in
} your next question (hey, we all need to feel appreciated
} once in a while).


1056-10    (43alv dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> What are the different fates in the afterlife that await those whose
> send mostly tellmes vs. those that send mostly askmes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are exactly nine different planes of existence that await all
} Oracularized mortals. Where you end up depends on your alignment
} (see chart below).
}
} +----GOOD----+----NEU-----+---BAD------+
} A            |            |            |
} S     1      |     2      |     3      |
} K            |            |            |
} +------------+------------+------------+
} N            |            |            |
} E     4      |     5      |     6      |
} U            |            |            |
} +------------+------------+------------+
} T            |            |            |
} E     7      |     8      |     9      |
} L            |            |            |
} L------------+------------+------------+
}
} 1. Land of Obsequious W_____hucks
}
} For those of Alignment: Incarnatic Good (Does askmes whenever told,
} gives sound advice, knows "dumb questions" don't exist)
}
} Description: In this lavish paradise, good Oracle incarnations are
} waited on hand and foot for all eternity by gracious w____hucks who
} want nothing more than to make you happy. Each w____huck has a tag
} on his/her ear clearly labeled with the amount of wood he or she
} could chuck (if indeed he/she is capable of chucking said wood).
} This is so that no one in this plane is tempted to ask the dreaded
} w____huck question, which causes the asker to be immediately be cast
} down to plane #9 (see below).
}
} 2. Bridge to the New Frontier
}
} Alignment: Incarnatic Neutral (does "askmes" whenever told, gives
} uninspired advice, sometimes gives null answers or sends MIME-encoded
} replies)
}
} Description: The Incarnatic Neutral soul is considered wise and
} sagacious...well, enough so to transport off to be an Oracle for
} an alien race somewhere out there in a distant galaxy. Yes, even
} burgeoning alien races need their wise men and women, and who better to
} handle the task than you, Mr. and Mrs. Adequate Incarnation? Downside
} of this "paradise": learning the new language, and fielding questions
} like "Who thought-engraved the quartzite recording crystal of Love?."
} Upside: you get a TV that shows "Baywatch" 24 hours a day. Hubba-bubba!
}
} 3. Spinal Jeopardy
}
} Alignment: Incarnatic Bad (does "askmes" because he/she enjoys
} *ZOT*ting people and telling them their questions suck, or to send
} replies advertising their amputee porno web site)
}
} Description: Oh, my, you were a bad little incarnation, weren't you?
} All those good questions you let go to waste because you weren't
} nice or smart enough to be good and to try to give a good answer?
} Well, eternity for you is going to be one bad question after another
} as you play Spinal Jeopardy every day for the rest of eternity.
} The stakes are high: if you win, you can skip your daily dose of
} horrible, gut-wrenchingly painful spine twisting.  But will you ever
} win a game? Say it with me, Mr. Trebek: "Noooo...sorry...."
}
} 4. Elysium of the Oracular Muse
}
} Alignment: Neutral Good (does both askmes and tellmes, gives good
} advice, never asks bad questions)
}
} Description: As a dearly departed brethren of the Oracular community,
} you live forever in a lovely cloud palace, nibbling ambrosia and
} chugging milk and honey. Your task for all eternity is to watch over
} the Oracle priests and help them determine what is funny. Often,
} you discuss Oracularities in question with your fellow muses.
}
} It's a little like rec.humor.oracle.d, except, since you're watching
} over the priests 24-7, you get to see what they do in their spare time.
} That can be a little yicky sometimes. Dr. Noe's "Body Fluids of the
} Stars" collection is definitely a hobby to look the other way from.
}
} 5. The End is the Beginning Is The End
}
} Alignment: True Neutral (never did an askme, never did a tellme,
} thinks "rec.humor.oracle" contains digests of database jokes).
}
} Description: Ah, you poor unenlightened milksop. Asked no questions,
} learned no answers. Upon death, your soul will be recycled into
} a newborn baby's mortal coil for another chance at enlightenment.
} Maybe this time, you'll transcend mundaneness.
}
} 6. Dread Guts of Kinzler
}
} Alignment: Neutral Bad (asked a lot of questions with the word
} "doodie" in it, *ZOT*ted a lot of supplicants who dared make your
} brain hurt) Description: You watched in jealousy as people who
} made fun of your juvenile questions made the digest. You watched
} in envy as your "clever" *ZOT*play and crude bathroom humor went
} unnoticed by the Oracle priests. Now, at long last, you're going to
} be digested...in the bowels of the Almighty K, He Who Eats Naughty
} People (And Occasionally Cheerios) For Breakfast! Your brief stint
} in the digestive tract of the Almighty K will seem like an eternity.
} But it won't be. And trust me, the end of your journey will make you
} nostalgic for the beginning of it.
}
} 7. Fifteen-Zero
}
} Alignment: Supplicantic Good (asks great questions, grovels like a
} true pro)
}
} Description: You spent a lifetime asking great questions and inspiring
} great answers. In the afterlife, you're entitled to all the glory.
} This plane of existence is a huge beach (complete with scantily-clad
} men and women, based on your preference). Every day, you participate
} in a two-person beach volleyball tournament with your partner being
} the dead person of your choosing. Your partner sets you up, and you
} spike--boom! A point every time.  Fifteen points later, you're the
} hero of the day. And man, are you going to score with the chicks/hunks
} at the clambake tonight!
}
} 8. The *ZOT* Switchboard
}
} Alignment: Supplicantic Neutral (asks so-so questions, gives bad
} grovels, leaves his e-mail .sig in his mail messages)
}
} Description: Your so-so performance as a supplicant has earned you
} administrative duty, although it's kind of fun. You're an attendant
} on the *ZOT* switchboard. Whenever an incarnation calls for a *ZOT*,
} read the destination, plug in the appropriate cables, and wait for
} the "yipe." The fun part is, the switchboard attendant managers tend
} to look the other way a lot, which means in your off-time, feel free
} to work your way down your list of past-life enemies...
}
} 9. Land of Not-So-Obsequious Rabid W____hucks
}
} Alignment: Supplicantic Bad (never grovels, asks w____huck questions)
}
} Description: You had to ask the question, didn't you? Well, I've
} got one for you, buck-o. How much leg can a rabid w____huck chew
} if a rabid w____huck could chew leg? Time them yourself; here's a
} stopwatch with a "millennium" hand on it.
}
} Personally, I think you should gun for #1. Trust me, Edgar V.
} W____huck gives an incredible shiatsu massage. Remember that next
} time the queue gets rather full.
}
} You owe the Oracle an AD&D "Deities & Demigods" first edition.


© Copyright 1989-2014 The Internet OracleTM Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org