} There are exactly nine different planes of existence that await all
} Oracularized mortals. Where you end up depends on your alignment
} (see chart below).
} A | | |
} S 1 | 2 | 3 |
} K | | |
} N | | |
} E 4 | 5 | 6 |
} U | | |
} T | | |
} E 7 | 8 | 9 |
} L | | |
} 1. Land of Obsequious W_____hucks
} For those of Alignment: Incarnatic Good (Does askmes whenever told,
} gives sound advice, knows "dumb questions" don't exist)
} Description: In this lavish paradise, good Oracle incarnations are
} waited on hand and foot for all eternity by gracious w____hucks who
} want nothing more than to make you happy. Each w____huck has a tag
} on his/her ear clearly labeled with the amount of wood he or she
} could chuck (if indeed he/she is capable of chucking said wood).
} This is so that no one in this plane is tempted to ask the dreaded
} w____huck question, which causes the asker to be immediately be cast
} down to plane #9 (see below).
} 2. Bridge to the New Frontier
} Alignment: Incarnatic Neutral (does "askmes" whenever told, gives
} uninspired advice, sometimes gives null answers or sends MIME-encoded
} Description: The Incarnatic Neutral soul is considered wise and
} sagacious...well, enough so to transport off to be an Oracle for
} an alien race somewhere out there in a distant galaxy. Yes, even
} burgeoning alien races need their wise men and women, and who better to
} handle the task than you, Mr. and Mrs. Adequate Incarnation? Downside
} of this "paradise": learning the new language, and fielding questions
} like "Who thought-engraved the quartzite recording crystal of Love?."
} Upside: you get a TV that shows "Baywatch" 24 hours a day. Hubba-bubba!
} 3. Spinal Jeopardy
} Alignment: Incarnatic Bad (does "askmes" because he/she enjoys
} *ZOT*ting people and telling them their questions suck, or to send
} replies advertising their amputee porno web site)
} Description: Oh, my, you were a bad little incarnation, weren't you?
} All those good questions you let go to waste because you weren't
} nice or smart enough to be good and to try to give a good answer?
} Well, eternity for you is going to be one bad question after another
} as you play Spinal Jeopardy every day for the rest of eternity.
} The stakes are high: if you win, you can skip your daily dose of
} horrible, gut-wrenchingly painful spine twisting. But will you ever
} win a game? Say it with me, Mr. Trebek: "Noooo...sorry...."
} 4. Elysium of the Oracular Muse
} Alignment: Neutral Good (does both askmes and tellmes, gives good
} advice, never asks bad questions)
} Description: As a dearly departed brethren of the Oracular community,
} you live forever in a lovely cloud palace, nibbling ambrosia and
} chugging milk and honey. Your task for all eternity is to watch over
} the Oracle priests and help them determine what is funny. Often,
} you discuss Oracularities in question with your fellow muses.
} It's a little like rec.humor.oracle.d, except, since you're watching
} over the priests 24-7, you get to see what they do in their spare time.
} That can be a little yicky sometimes. Dr. Noe's "Body Fluids of the
} Stars" collection is definitely a hobby to look the other way from.
} 5. The End is the Beginning Is The End
} Alignment: True Neutral (never did an askme, never did a tellme,
} thinks "rec.humor.oracle" contains digests of database jokes).
} Description: Ah, you poor unenlightened milksop. Asked no questions,
} learned no answers. Upon death, your soul will be recycled into
} a newborn baby's mortal coil for another chance at enlightenment.
} Maybe this time, you'll transcend mundaneness.
} 6. Dread Guts of Kinzler
} Alignment: Neutral Bad (asked a lot of questions with the word
} "doodie" in it, *ZOT*ted a lot of supplicants who dared make your
} brain hurt) Description: You watched in jealousy as people who
} made fun of your juvenile questions made the digest. You watched
} in envy as your "clever" *ZOT*play and crude bathroom humor went
} unnoticed by the Oracle priests. Now, at long last, you're going to
} be digested...in the bowels of the Almighty K, He Who Eats Naughty
} People (And Occasionally Cheerios) For Breakfast! Your brief stint
} in the digestive tract of the Almighty K will seem like an eternity.
} But it won't be. And trust me, the end of your journey will make you
} nostalgic for the beginning of it.
} 7. Fifteen-Zero
} Alignment: Supplicantic Good (asks great questions, grovels like a
} true pro)
} Description: You spent a lifetime asking great questions and inspiring
} great answers. In the afterlife, you're entitled to all the glory.
} This plane of existence is a huge beach (complete with scantily-clad
} men and women, based on your preference). Every day, you participate
} in a two-person beach volleyball tournament with your partner being
} the dead person of your choosing. Your partner sets you up, and you
} spike--boom! A point every time. Fifteen points later, you're the
} hero of the day. And man, are you going to score with the chicks/hunks
} at the clambake tonight!
} 8. The *ZOT* Switchboard
} Alignment: Supplicantic Neutral (asks so-so questions, gives bad
} grovels, leaves his e-mail .sig in his mail messages)
} Description: Your so-so performance as a supplicant has earned you
} administrative duty, although it's kind of fun. You're an attendant
} on the *ZOT* switchboard. Whenever an incarnation calls for a *ZOT*,
} read the destination, plug in the appropriate cables, and wait for
} the "yipe." The fun part is, the switchboard attendant managers tend
} to look the other way a lot, which means in your off-time, feel free
} to work your way down your list of past-life enemies...
} 9. Land of Not-So-Obsequious Rabid W____hucks
} Alignment: Supplicantic Bad (never grovels, asks w____huck questions)
} Description: You had to ask the question, didn't you? Well, I've
} got one for you, buck-o. How much leg can a rabid w____huck chew
} if a rabid w____huck could chew leg? Time them yourself; here's a
} stopwatch with a "millennium" hand on it.
} Personally, I think you should gun for #1. Trust me, Edgar V.
} W____huck gives an incredible shiatsu massage. Remember that next
} time the queue gets rather full.
} You owe the Oracle an AD&D "Deities & Demigods" first edition.