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Internet Oracularities #1057

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Internet Oracularities #1057    (71 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 20 Oct 1998 08:19:35 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1057
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1057  71 votes 3jgkd 46gir 25xo7 Cm074 dild6 4jjib 17lse 38ul9 6bkmc 9ikea
1057  3.2 mean  3.3   3.8   3.4   1.8   2.7   3.2   3.7   3.4   3.3   3.0


1057-01    (3jgkd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Oracle most recondite, brighten my phosphors and my ignorance:
>      what is the difference between a zeugma and a syllepsis?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would not be moral for me to tell you, but I will show you
} the relevant section of the test you are frantically studying for:
}
}                          POETRY APPRECIATION 101
}                               Final Exam
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Section 1, Vocabulary:
}
}       Select the answer which corresponds to the _best_ definition of
} each word or phrase. Each correct answer is worth 5 points.
}
} 1. iambic pentameter
}       (A) A system, developed by William F. Iamb, of representing
}               five-dimensional objects
}       (B) The volume of wood a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck
}               could chuck wood.
}       (C) A traditional style of Greek architecture
}
} 2. zeugma
}       (A) An ancient Roman city, located on the river Euphrates
}       (B) Zeus' younger sister
}       (C) German slang for "testicle"
}
} 3. ellipsis
}       (A) An elongated circle
}       (B) A secret marriage
}       (C) A token indicating that a function takes a variable number of
}               arguments
}
} 4. prothalamium
}       (A) A yellowish-white element of the Lanthanide series
}       (B) A symmetrical 18-sided figure, commonly used a layout for
}               Buddhist temples
}       (C) A protrusion from the wall of the stomach
}
} 5. syllepsis
}       (A) A logical argument in which at least two premises are false
}       (B) The Syllepsis Vallis, landing site of the next Mars mission
}       (C) An infection of the brain which causes its victims to send
}               inane questions to The Internet Oracle.
}
} 6. oxymoron
}       (A) Microsoft Works(tm) version 8.0
}       (B) A typical Internet Oracle supplicant.
}       (C) A subatomic particle formed when a tachyon collides with a
}               gluon
}
} 7. sestina
}       (A) A highly poisonous snake of South America
}       (B) A traditional Italian sauce
}       (C) A festival commemorating the end of a 150-year cycle
}
} 8. amphibrach
}       (A) Latin word meaning "woodchuck"
}       (B) A formerly top-secret military vehicle
}       (C) A class of animal that is both tree-dwelling and aquatic
}
} 9. mimesis
}       (A) A person who hates mimes
}       (B) A plant bearing small, globular flowers
}       (C) A self-replicating idea, or "thought virus"
}
} 10. prosopopeia
}       (A) A photosynthetic, fresh-water protozoan
}       (B) A newly discovered species of lemur
}       (C) Ancient Greek goddess of fire.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle the answers to the exam.


1057-02    (46gir dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >NEW!!! SPILWINEX ALL PURPOSE SHOWER CLEANER!!!  Destroys all forms
> >of anything remotely dirty in your shower...   ....maybe even YOU!!!
>
> Dear Newsnet Oracle,
>
> Wishing to surprise Baroness Blackmoor (it is our anniversary on
> Tuesday), I purchased a sachet of the aforementioned cleaning product
> in the hope of restoring the master bathroom to some semblance of
> its original beauty and sophistication.
>
> Following the instructions on the packet, I donned a pair of diving
> gloves, and mixed the contents with two gallons of ammonia, before
> retiring to the billiards room leaving the mixture to bubble and
> fester.
>
> Imagine my surprise when returning from my brief sojourn to discover
> that several of the little baronettes had used the brew to fill their
> water pistols, and were cheerily re-enacting some of the more notable
> battles from the Boer war in the vegetable garden.
>
> By the time I had located a suitable walking cane with which to berate
> the little blighters, and exited the house via the back stairs and
> kitchens, the vegetable garden had been replaced by an enormous crater.
> Two of the little baronettes were clinging precariously to a corner of
> the potting shed on one edge, and a third had scrambled to the safety
> of the gazebo. The whereabouts of the remaining children, however,
> was indicated only by a rapidly receding wailing sound as the crater
> presumably continued its descent into the depths of the earth.
>
> Now, a couple of questions for you, if I may be so bold. I know your
> time is valuable, and I should be limited to only one question, but
> these two are interlinked, and one as omniscient as yourself should
> have no trouble in knocking them off before tiffin:
>
> Firstly, how on earth do I go about retrieving the lost ones from their
> unexpected subterrannean adventure? Personally I'm not too bothered
> about getting the children back, there's plenty more where they
> came from (Baroness Blackmoor is rather attached to them though,
> and even knows some of their names, so she's bound to be a little
> upset when she gets home). No, more to my interest, is regaining
> the prize marrows I was intending to display at next weeks show.
> Heaven knows what state they'll be in.
>
> Secondly, am I in any danger from this large pit, so worryingly close
> to the house? If this stuff keeps dissolving the dirt away, theh
> crater may become a volcano, and spit lumps of basilisk or gobs of
> molten vulva at me as I take my morning constitutional. What am I to
> do about it all? Any suggestions that can restore the status quo before
> the Baroness returns from her bridge club would be doubly welcome.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>       Horatio Blackmoor (Baron).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Your Grace,
}
} Baron, Baron, Baron, how many times do I have to tell you?
} The aristocracy is congenitally unsuited to doing household chores.
} You'll always end up with disasters of this kind. In future, leave
} it to Perkins.
}
} Oh, Perkins handed in his notice six months ago, did he? As a result
} of the little baronettes spiking his eggnog with Viagra? Yes, I can
} see how that could create something of an uncomfortable situation.
} The only thing one wants stiff in a butler is his upper lip.
}
} Look, I've got a lot on here just now, Baron, so I don't have time
} to pop over to the Old Country and clear up your little difficulty
} for you.  But don't worry, I've contacted a couple of excellent
} fellows who are experts at dealing with this kind of situation.
} They should be there any minute...  Ah, that sounds like them now.
}
}
} "Evenin', squire! My name's 'Arry, an' this 'ere's me partner Syd.
} Say 'ello ter 'is nibs, Syd."
}
} "Wotcher, yer 'onnerable worshipfulness."
}
} "That's right, Syd, lay it on wiv a trowel, why dontcher?"
}
} "I was just tuggin' the old forelock, 'Arry. Yer got to do that wiv
} nobs, dontcher?"
}
} "If yer says so. Nah lissen up, yer Baronetcy. I been 'earing from
} me old mucker the Hinternet Horicle that yer got yerself a bit of
} Barney Rubble wiv a big 'ole in yer allotment wot is - an' I quote -
} spoowin' up lumps of barsilisk an' gobs of molten vulver."
}
} "Can we say gobs of molten vulver in a fam'ly noosgroup, 'Arry?"
}
} "It's a jam jar, innit?"
}
} "Nah, that's a Volver. I fink a vulver is sumfink rude."
}
} "Well, we can edit it aht after. Anyway, yer dukedom, dontcher worry
} yer inbred little Uncle Ned abaht that there 'ole. It's 'ist'ry.
} It's already sorted."
}
} "Already sorted? We hain't even started fillin' it in yet, 'Arry!"
}
} "Oo said anyfink abaht fillin' it in? I sold it, dinni?"
}
} "Don't be doolally! Oo'd be daft enough ter buy an 'ole wot just
} keeps gettin' bigger?"
}
} "Sellerfield, that's oo."
}
} "Wot? That noocleyer power plant fing?"
}
} "The same. They dumps all their radieractive waste in our 'ole, then
} they fills it up wiv concrete. An' then they pays us! 'Ow's abaht
} that fer a bit of cushty, ey?"
}
} "That's brilliant, 'Arry!"
}
} "I hamaze meself, sumtimes."
}
} "Wait, it's not gonner work. Wot abaht them little barrernettes?
} They'll be stuck dahn the bottom of miles of radieractive gunk an'
} concrete."
}
} "I thort of that."
}
} "Yer thort of a way ter get the tiny toff tots aht?"
}
} "Nah, I thort of gettin' sum replacements. So I rahnded up sum of the
} hurchins 'angin' rahnd our street in East Cheapside. They're ahtside
} in the van."
}
} "Oi! Me little Albert's in the van. 'Er indoors'll kill me if I lets
} yer give away our little Albert!"
}
} "Oo said anyfink abaht givin' 'im away? 'Is lordship 'ere's 'andin'
} over a parcel of lolly fer 'im, aintcher guv? An' yer tells the
} trouble an' strife yer sent Albert away ter get a proper heducation.
} 'E'll prolly go ter 'Arrow or Heton, meet that Prince 'Arry wot they
} named after me, come back all snooty an' lardidar."
}
} "Them god-forbids in the van don't talk posh, 'Arry. The Barrerness'll
} suss 'em straight orff!"
}
} "I gave 'em all 50p not ter open their traps, ever. Seen an' not
} 'eard, see? Clean 'em up - not wiv that lefal shower stuff, mind!
} - she'll never know the diff. No bovver! Lumme, strike a light, Syd,
} but yer don't 'arf winge on at a feller sumtimes. It's a dead cert,
} I tells yer."
}
} "Yeah, just like them dead cert inside tips yer's always gettin'
} fer the 3:30 at 'Aydock."
}
} "Don't lissen ter 'im, yer 'ighness. 'E's 'avin' a male mennerporse,
} the silly J Arfer Ranker. Nah, it's all sorted, 'cept fer the Beecham's
} Pill of corse - that's the bill, case yer wond'rin'. Lessee nah -
} that's one 'ole fixed up, one dozen little nippers of dahtful origin,
} freedom from gobs of molten vulver..."
}
} "The marrers! Yer forgot the marrers, 'Arry!"
}
} "The marrers?"
}
} "See! See! I knew it wern't gonner work!"
}
} "Okay, so we got a bit of a prob vee-ar-vee next week's show. But,
} if yer can wait till next year, yer 'onner, I can get sum unemployed
} miners rahnd ter dig yer marrers up. Wiv all the radieractivity,
} they'll be height feet long an' glow in the dark. Yer'll win first
} prize right orff, long as yer don't let 'em eat the judges. An'
} the miners can dig aht the little barrernettes at the same time -
} yer missus can 'ave 'er little Albert back then, Syd."
}
} "But all that radieractivity'll 'ave made the little barrernettes
} height feet long too, wiv 'orrible red eyes an' big, long droolin'
} fangs an' fings!"
}
} "Just stick 'em in the 'Ouse of Lords. Oo's gonner notice in there?"
}
} "Yer a genius, 'Arry! Yer finks of everyfink!"
}
} "White man's burden, me old China. Right then, yer uppercrustitude.
} 'Ere's yer replacement barrernettes - don't get too close ter 'em,
} yer don't wanner catch nuffink. The blokes from Sellerfield'll start
} dumpin' their 'azzerdous waste this pee-emmer, so keep indoors if
} yer don't wants yer 'air ter fall out an' yer skin ter peel orff.
} Tell yer old lady yer layin' the fahndations fer a croquet pitch
} or sumfink. As fer wot yer owes us, I'll let the gaffer tell yer.
} Come on, Syd, time we was dahn the battle crooser."
}
} "It's yer rahnd, 'Arry."
}
} "Tommy Rollocks, it is!"
}
}
} You owe the Oracle and his subcontractors half of your winnings
} at next year's vegetable show, and all of your leftover Spilwinex.
} I want to see if it'll work on Bill Clinton's private life.


1057-03    (25xo7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which printer cable do I need, the cheap one or the expen$ive one?
> Why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You could buy the cheap one. Of course you could.
}
} The rumors that the cheap printer cables will cause tiny printing
} errors that will give your correspondents a vague feeling of unease and
} nausea are completely untrue. As is the statement that low-end printer
} cables occasionaly insert the word fnord into your documents for no
} reason.
}
} A cheap printer cable will almost certainly not short out, causing a
} massive fire that kills your loved ones. It will probably not emit
} radiation that will alternate your chromosomes and make your children
} come out looking like Englebert Humperdink. The pins on cheap cables
} are nearly as good as the pins on more expensive ones, and only fail at
} critical moments, when the balance of good and evil are at stake,
} slightly more often.
}
} And even if your neighbors, friends, family, and the Heavenly Host
} itself do laugh themselves silly when you buy it, even if the Scottish
} Parliment issues a declaration naming you "a cheap bastard", even if
} your daughter won't let you pay for her wedding because she's afraid
} you'll buy plastic altar flowers, why should you worry about that.
} You'll have saved your 3 bucks.
}
} You owe the Oracle the amount of your hourly rate that you spent
} writing the question.


1057-04    (Cm074 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WWJD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} my sister


1057-05    (dild6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tom Brueser...
> Pirsutra Consulting
> http://www.pirsutra.com/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It'd been a hard day, working for Dennis J. Buchovecky. The horrible
} hours, the tight cramped working conditions, and now this. It was the
} last straw, in a long line of straws.
}
} It all began in 1996 when Pirsutra Technologies, a company specialising
} in digital imaging acquired some shall we say ``compromising'' photos
} of Lisa and myself. Who could guess that someone with a Canon EOS with
} a 3200*3200 digital array and a high powered zoom (Tamrom AF 28-200mm)
} was taking photos of Lisa, myself and a couple of w__d___cks doing
} things that only consenting adults could do?
}
} The photos started to arrive in our private email, one by one, with
} threats to publish them on http://www.woodchuck-sex.com. We were
} terrified, imagine the consequences if these photos became public! The
} Priests would revolt, and they wouldn't be the last ones. The Empire
} would perish just when we were beginning to get a tight hold on the
} w__d___ck eradication market, with a small side business in selling
} them to subscribers of
} alt.binaries.pictures.hamsters.duct-tape.gag.gag.gag.
}
} We had to accede to their demands, how else could we walk around town
} with our heads high in the air, and not fear the name calling, and
} hatred of our friends and colleagues. At least their demands were
} reasonable: the total world domination of the digital imaging market.
}
} All was going according to plan, Dennis J. Buchovecky, President and
} Director of Pirsutra was happy with our progress. We'd designed what
} some would call one of the best sites on the Internet, and we'd finally
} squeezed everyone but Microsoft out of the digital imaging marketplace
} using a combination of daring corporate plots, corporate espionage, and
} tactical assassinations. All that was left was Bill Gates of famed
} Microsoft, and we'd finally got the goods on him; photos. Lots of them.
} Who would have guessed that ol' William Gates was not only a cross
} dresser, but also indulged in a little BDSM with none other than
} Michael Jackson, Hillary Rodham Clinton, and Michael Bolton.
}
} I'd left the colour laser printouts of the photos on Tom Brueser's
} desk so that they could be sent over to Seattle for little ol' Billy to
} look at them. A copy of the images was stored on a Jaz disk in the
} company safe, and another copy was stored at an undisclosed location
} that even David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson would have trouble
} finding. That was two days ago.
}
} Going into work today had been one of the happiest moments of my life.
} I'd promised myself that when Dennis released us from our vile bondage
} we'd go back to the Oracle business, we'd relax, and never, ever touch
} another w__d___ck.
}
} As I walked into the office, I immediately realised something was
} wrong. The receptionist (Jude) wasn't there, and neither was anyone
} else. I immediately ran up to Tom's office, but everything was gone.
} Everything, that is except the card, it was not a normal Pirsutra card,
} the number was wrong. The people at Pirsutra don't make mistakes with
} phone numbers.
}
} After ringing the number, I found out that the people from Pirsutra
} weren't going to make any more mistakes. In fact, they weren't going to
} ever do anything again. Microsoft had made an agressive merger with
} Pirsutra. So agressive that the only member of Pirsutra left walking was
} Smuffy, the company mascot, and he was walking with a limp.
}
} I had some hard decisions to make. Work for Microsoft so that Lisa and
} I could continue to live the lie we'd been trapped in for the past 3
} years, or do the unthinkable. That's right, it meant turning the Wand
} of ZOT on myself and Lisa, but at least we'd never work for Microsoft.
} The Wand had never been turned all the way upto *VAPORISE WITH EXTREME
} PREJUDICE* before, and the hum it made was truly ominous.
}
} Now, you too know the whole story. They are out there, and one day
} they'll have you in their grip. What will you do?
}
} You owe the Oracle a happy Afterlife, and whatever you do, don't
} upgrade to Windows 98. You only make the problem worse.


1057-06    (4jjib dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Monsieur Oracle, what are my chances of getting in Jennifer Love
> Hewitt's pants (or up her skirt)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} they will increase dramatically if you go to work for her dry cleaner


1057-07    (17lse dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most electrically eclectic one, could you explain resistance,
> capacitance, and inductance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Engineering Student's Guide to Electricity
} ------------------------------------------------------
} Resistance (R): Her lack of desire to be seen with an engineering
}   student. Measured in ohms, as in "Ohmy God, here come those engineers
}   again."
} Inductance (L): Your ability to induce her to drink. Not to be confused
}   with power.  Measured in Henrys, after Henry Winkler (he played the
}   Fonz, need I say more?)
} Capacitance (C): Her capacity for alcohol, measured in farads, as in
}   "Far-a-drink, I'll stay a bit longer."
} Current (I): Obviously a misspelling of currency.
} Alternating current (AC): Currency that rises and falls. Typically
}   produced by a job that pays at regular intervals.
} Direct current (DC): Currency at a constant rate. Typically produced
}   by wealthy parents giving you a credit card.
} Voltage (V): Electric potential. Cause of personal magnetism. Useful
}   for getting free drinks, and for overcoming resistance (see above.)
} Power (P): V*I. Your alcohol purchasing power.
} Permittivity (epsilon): A number representing her likelihood of
}   permitting you to touch her. Can be affected by the use of different
}   materials. Precious metals have a high permittivity.
} Dielectric breakdown: Occurs when her capacitance is overloaded. Tends
}   to be messy.
} Impedance (Z): A complex number, described by R + i(C - L), which
}   represents the odds against you ever getting laid.
}
} With these definitions, you can now solve a second-order differential
} equation involving terms of R, L, C, and varying signal input functions
} of I and V, which will tell you absolutely nothing about electricity,
} but will guarantee that you remain a virgin until you're 35.  Besides,
} the point of college is to have fun, not to worry about your grades.
} You'll never get work as an engineer anyway, so why not pick a sexy
} major like Business or Fine Arts? Trust me, you'll thank me later.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signal analysis of the electrical wiring of
} downtown Manhattan, done using a slide rule and drafting pencil,
} because that's how they did it in the old days. If you spill beer or
} coffee on it you have to start from scratch.


1057-08    (38ul9 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I bother mowing the damn lawn, when it just grows back the
> next week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, an interesting problem this one, because it is connected to a
} whole bunch of other questions which mortals often ask. These are:
}
} Why do I bother washing the dishes when they just get dirty again?
}
} Why do I bother cutting my toenails when they just grow back again?
}
} Why do I bother tidying the house when I'm just going to mess it up
} again?
}
} Why do I bother dry-cleaning my suits when I'll get stains over them
} again?
}
} And I'm sure you could think of a few more. But in fact, these various
} questions all have the same answer, specifically:
}
} My girlfriend makes me.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of PJ O'Rourke's Batchelor Home Companion.


1057-09    (6bkmc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "I'll make the world a better place,"
> Or so I thought inside.
> "I'll fight the cause of every race."
> How foolish was my pride!
>
> I thought to say a word in private,
> To turn a friend from sorrow.
> But now I find, though much too late,
> No friend I'll have tomorrow.
>
> My careful plans all went awry.
> My chosen course has crumbled.
> Oh, Oracle, please hear my cry:
> Why did I have to stumble?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "You are gauche, my young fellow," the wise man said,
}   "And as sensitive as a dead roach;
} Which is why all your friends pretend to be dead
}   When they so much as see you approach."
}
} "That's a lie!" cried the supplicant. "How dare you say
}   That I by my friends might be spurned?
} When they're blue I call round and I brighten their day
}   With the new tasteless jokes that I've learned."
}
} "You are gauche," said the sage, with an ominous scowl,
}   "A lobotomy's twice as much fun;
} So when cats and dogs see you, in terror they howl,
}   And from the vicinity run."
}
} "That's a lie!" cried the youth. "To spread jollity is
}   My one and my only desire;
} And to watch their gay frolics is absolute bliss
}   When I set their tails all on fire."
}
} "You are gauche," said the sage, "that's all you need know --
}   As caring as Hannibal Lector.
} Now I've told you your answer, so get up and go;
}   You owe me a looney detector."
}
} "That's a lie!" cried the youth. "It's not me that's to blame!
}   It's you! It's your answers -- they suck!
} Why, you don't even know -- how could you be so lame? --
}   How much wood a woodchuck could chuck!"
}
} "You are gauche," said the Oracle, feeling quite weak,
}   "And I'm tired of speaking in rhyme;
} You are totally clueless, you Juno Mail freak!
}   God, I wish you'd stop wasting my time."
}
} "You aren't omniscient, you senile old twit!"
}   Cried the youth. "Man, you're dumber than me!
} Why, I don't need Juno to get on the Net --
}   Not me, sir, I've got WebTV!"


1057-10    (9ikea dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most tropical, atypical, symmetrical and wise
> I know it's true I'm less than you but please tell me no lies!
>
> Something strange is going on...every time I get home, my
> freezer door is wide open and my computer is right next to it!
> Also, (and I'm not sure if this was a dream or not) I went
> downstairs in the middle of the night last night and saw
> a penguin with a beer and a man wearing a red felt fedora
> sitting at my kitchen table drinking and playing cards.  The
> lights went out as soon as they saw me, and when I turned
> them back on there was nothing unusual except that my freezer
> was open again!  Can you tell me what's going on, and how I
> can fix it before my utility bills go through the roof?
>
>                               -Eunice E. E. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is clear from your question, O humble supplicant, that you are one
} of two things:
}
} 1) a Linux user who has fantasies about Linus Torvalds late at night
} when nobody is around.
}
} 2) a hapless victim of Gates of Borg, whose foul OS is holding your
} computer hostage.
}
} I deduce from the fact that you do not recognise the penguin and the
} man in the red hat that you are most certainly not an adherent of the
} Church of Torvalds--else you would have recognised St. Linux of the
} Tuxedo and St. Linux of the Red Hat.  This means that you have been
} assimilated by the Gates.  Your computer is sending a message to
} you--Yea verily, you must cast out the demons of Winblows and install
} the One and True Operating System (which, coincidentally, I am using).
}
} REPENT! REPENT! AND RIGHT-CLICK NO MORE!


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