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Internet Oracularities #1058

Goto:
1058, 1058-01, 1058-02, 1058-03, 1058-04, 1058-05, 1058-06, 1058-07, 1058-08, 1058-09, 1058-10


Internet Oracularities #1058    (73 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 27 Oct 1998 14:52:52 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1058
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1058  73 votes 7pqf0 9eAa4 9bnl9 b7ohe 7iiic 4hug6 6roc4 airg2 6bpla htd86
1058  2.9 mean  2.7   2.8   3.1   3.2   3.1   3.0   2.7   2.8   3.2   2.4


1058-01    (7pqf0 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's right, supplicant. The Internet Oracle has no questions to ask:
} I know everything already.
}
} I suppose you think I'm now going to fall for your pathetic little ploy
} to make me ask you what your question was. Ha. I've got a good solid
} incarnation going here-- no priestly misinterpretations or
} embellishments this time, so you can kiss my omniscient butt.
}
} And I can't help but notice, supplicant, that you deliberately omitted
} the obligatory grovel.  And for that...
}
} No, supplicant, relax.  I'm not going to ZOT you this time.  I'm just
} going to make you read one of those tedious Juno taglines. Look out,
} here it comes....
}
} ___________________________________________________________________
} You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
} Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
} or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]


1058-02    (9eAa4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do the Oracularities Digests ask  us  to  use  a  rating
> system consisting of the numbers 1-5? First, considering the
> large software support that must be behind  such  a  massive
> undertaking,  one would suspect that the rating system would
> be 0-based.  And, considering the  inherent  superiority  of
> binary  notation,  one would expect a rating system of, say,
> 0-7 (or perhaps 0-F).   Why  would  such  a  technologically
> sophisticated  system  use  a  zeroless  rating scale with a
> cardinality of 5?
>
> Does it have anything to do with the religious symbolism  of
> the number 5? If so, how can I reassure my Christian, Moslem
> and Jewish friends that there is no Satanism involved?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay supplicant, let's go through this together.  To make the rating
} system simple for supplicants such as yourself, the Priests devised an
} ingeniously simple method.  Hold up your hand with your fingers
} outstretched.  Now... count the fingers.  And there you have it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Sesame Street counting song.


1058-03    (9bnl9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, Zadoc! Watch me pull an Oracle out of my hat!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, supplicant!  Watch me pull a crappy answer out of my brain!
}
} I have, as it says above, considered your question deeply.  I have
} considered it to be deeply silly, and unworthy of a serious answer.
} However, as is the tradition, I shall endeavour to give an imaginative
} reply, even though the seed you have provided may yet turn out to be
} sterile, the egg boiled, the field barren, the goose, as they say,
} already force-fed and prepared to be sliced open for foie gras.  But
} what the hell.
}
} In pondering this question, I consulted with the deepest minds on the
} planet (well, I read a 'Kafka for Beginners' book so I can at least
} look pseudo-intelligent.  In fact, I really recommend that you look
} into this series of books yourself, so as to improve the quality of
} your questions (and hence my answers) in future (if you're a Lisp
} programmer you might want to watch out for this next section because
} there are some pretty heavy bracket balancing bits coming up in a
} little while (Lisp, if you are not a Lisp programmer (and who is? (and
} who would want to be?)) is a programming language that involves
} processing lists, which essentially means lots of comma-separated words
} surrounded by brackets (so it says here in 'The Pseudo-Intellectual's
} Guide to Programming Languages' (subtitled 'How to look smart at your
} horribly middle-class dinner parties now that being a geek has finally
} (finally!) become fashionable') which I got for 14.95 from
} http://www.amazing-books.com, a bargain that even you (with your highly
} sepcialised job on the helpdesk at AOL (your title, if I am not
} mistaken, is "CAPS-LOCK EXPERT" to provide assistance to the thousands
} who still insist on shouting)) should be able to afford) which means
} that Lisp programs can be extremely difficult to debug (and therefore
} fun (for those who like that sort of thing (and I don't))))) and
} therefore make things a lot more pleasant for all concerned.  Enough of
} this crap, on with the answer.
}
} As I implied above, the answer is 100% prime, char-grilled,
} flavour-enhanced, chocolate-coated, sugar-fluffed, prepared by dwarfs,
} gland-extracted, transmutated, bounced around the court, down for the
} up stroke, ladies and gentlemen BRAIN OUTPUT that doesn't come at all
} cheap, especially when you're as hungover as I am.  To assist in your
} understanding of the incredible intellectual breadth that this answer
} covers I have translated it into several different languages (both
} human, non-human, humane and inhumane) below.
}
} Chinese:
} Xien-zai gei wo ni de lu tou ('lu tou' in this instance meaning
} 'nipples').
}
} Japanese:
} Anata-no zou ga suge kakkoii! ('zou' in this case meaning 'elephant').
}
} French:
} MangM-i la cacahuete de ma merde. ('cacahuete' in this case meaning
} 'peanut').
}
} Java:
} import java.util.*;
} class Answer {
} public static void main(String args[]) {
}     StringBuffer s = new StringBuffer();
}     for (int i = 0; i < 5; i++) {
}        if (i = (int)Math.PI) s.append(i, 'e');
}        if (i = 1 - 1 + 1 - 1 + 1) s.append(i, 'r');
}        if (i = 0) s.append('a');
}        if (i = 4 - 2) s.append('s');
}     }
}     s.append('!');
}     System.out.println(s);
} }
}
} ('public static void main(String args[])' in this case meaning 'void
} main(char** argc, int argv)').
}
} Befunge:
} 1^^^^43JHHJH
} QJ|--->>^>^>>>
} >^^--^vvabbba>
} ('>^^--^vvabbba>' in this case meaning '44983448348' in Befunge-98).
}
} Etruscan:
} No, I'm kidding, I don't really know Etruscan.
}
} German:
} Mit beiden handen ziehen! ('beiden' in this case meaning 'both').
}
} So I hope this clears things up for you, supplicant, and reminds you
} that the point of the Oracle is not to ask and receive the answers to
} meaningless questions that keep bored computer science students awake
} at night when they should be thinking of the Quine-McCluskey algorithm
} or Godel's theorem, but to further the knowledge that humankind has
} about their universe so that in the great future that opens up before
} us a new dawn can break and freedom can rain down from the heavens
} above and in the brotherhood that we all share as humans and space
} travellers we can forge new links and conquer new markets going
} forward.
}
} Something like that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new brain.


1058-04    (b7ohe dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise one,
>
> What is the quantity of herbaceous vegetative matter that would be
> hurled by a medium-sized woodland-dwelling rodent, if such a creature
> had in fact the capability of accomplishing this activity?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <Distinctive sound emitted by a high intensity beam of focused energy>!


1058-05    (7iiic dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> :-)
> :-(
> :-E
> :-P
> :-0
> :-D
> P-|
> b-|
> 0-|
> |-|
> :-(*)***
> :-Q
> B-\

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My, what a scary little bunch of monsters!  Orrie, come here and see
} the costumes!
}
} Lisa owes the Oracle a trick and a treat.


1058-06    (4hug6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most groovy,  I am but a humble level .5 gnomish footstool
> in your presence.
>
> Would you mind waving the wonderful wand of creativity and casting a
> level 12 originality spell on me?  I'll give you three potions of
> grovel if you do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would, but to be effective, you need at least an intelligence and
} wisdom score of 7 or greater. If you remember, you lost your scores a
} while back when you were cursed with the Chalice of Binge Drinking.
}
} >You owe the Oracle a new Player's Handbook


1058-07    (6roc4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
> Hi! there, its me again Nicole Franklin.  Sorry I have'nt written in so
> long but Ive had TONS of Homework.  Mrs Fischer (thats' my Teacher) is
> a real witch.  Anyway my brother said I should ask you this because you
> know so many things.  Theres this Beanie Baby I really really REALLY
> want that I can't find anywhere and maybe could you tell me where i can
> find one. Near Springfield if posible because my Mom won't want to
> drive all over Creation for a Beanie Baby.  Oh, its' Teeth the
> Woodchuck.  Thank you THANK YOU!! Mr Oracle!
>
> Your Friend,
>
> Nicole Franklin
> (4th Grade)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi Nicole,
}
} Sorry, you haven't had more time to write and I was
} wondering when you would figure out Mrs. Fischer was
} a real witch (was it before or after the foreign
} exchange student mysteriously disappeared?)
}
} Your in luck, there is a "Teeth the Woodchuck" Beanie
} Baby in Springfield he's just hidden away in a small
} store. Here's a map to the BEANIE BABY BARN:
}
}       Gas               Gas
}       Station   Station
} ========================================
} Main Street
} ========================================
}       Gas      | S |  Gas
}       Station  | i |  Station
}                | d |
}       Walmart  | e |  McDonalds
}                |   |
}                | S |
}       Boarded  | t |  BEANIE BABY
}       up store | r |  BARN
}                | e |
}                | e |
}       Boarded  | t |  McDonalds
}       up store |   |
}                |   |
}
} Once you get inside:
}
} ========================================
} Aisle 1: Vegetable Beanies
} ========================================
} Aisle 2: Celebrity Beanies
} ========================================
} Aisle 3: Animal Beanies I
} ========================================
} Aisle 4: Animal Beanies II
} ========================================
} Aisle 5: Mineral Beanies              X
} ========================================
}
} You've probably already been to the BEANIE
} BABY BARN and looked in the two Animal
} Beanies rows but one of the cashiers hid the
} "Teeth the Woodchuck" beanie baby in the
} mineral section (which unfortunately no one
} appreciates) until his next paycheque when
} he was going to buy it. His name is "Mark"
} and he usually works Monday, Wednesday and
} Saturday if you want to step on his toes.
}
} Hope this helps.
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of your bedroom with
} each beanie baby individually marked.


1058-08    (airg2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh delectably scrumptious Oracle,
>
> I found a bottle of stuff at the supermarket.  It's Hawaiian Mango
> Conditioner.  It's on the shelf right next to the shampoo.  This seemed
> very strange to me, since mangoes don't have hair.  But I figured
> perhaps the conditioner is meant for growing hair on mangoes, so I
> bought some, and I got a mango too, and I tried it out.  It didn't
> work, though.  The mango is still just as bald as it was when I bought
> it. Did I get a defective bottle of conditioner?
>
> Maybe it wasn't a Hawaiian mango.  But that wouldn't make a whole lot
> of difference really, would it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your bottle of conditioner was not defective.  Had your mango had hair,
} I'm sure that the conditioner would have left its tresses silky,
} managable and full of body and bounce.  As to why the makers would
} choose to create a hair product for something that has no hair: that I
} cannot answer.  I'm afraid that the minds of marketers are often too
} much even for the Oracle to comprehend.
}
} You owe the Oracle a package of rose soap and some turtle wax.


1058-09    (6bpla dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most obstreperous Oracle;
>
> How does noise differ from sound?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sound becomes noise when its source is the next generation younger than
} you.
}
} You owe the Oracle Pearl Jam on toast.


1058-10    (htd86 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> Why did Bill Gates chose to have the symbol of the Black Widow Spider
> show up so often when one runs Windoze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, so young and un-informed, the answer to you question is
} very very simple.
}
} Bill Gates' legged creature that sucks blood and disperses poison.
} And he is trying to lure you in, REPENT!  Switch to linux now!
}
} You Owe the Oracle Proof that you converted a widows user to linux.


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