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Internet Oracularities #1059

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Internet Oracularities #1059    (73 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 1 Nov 1998 08:35:30 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1059
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1059  73 votes 4ckkh 5fmla f9eel 6hqh7 dfgib goo63 erl83 6kuc5 fhkf6 8gsj2
1059  2.9 mean  3.5   3.2   3.2   3.0   3.0   2.4   2.4   2.9   2.7   2.9


1059-01    (4ckkh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> How can I tell if someone is lying to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}        The Internet Oracle's Top Ten Times When People Lie To You
}
} 10. You're female, the other person is male, and you haven't had sex
}     with him yet.
}  9. The other person is a salesperson.
}  8. You're male, the other person is female, and you're having sex with
}     her.
}  7. The other person is a lawyer.
}  6. You're male, the other person is male, and the topic is his sex
}     life.
}  5. The other person is a politician.
}  4. You're female, the other person is female, and the topic is her
}     lack of a sex life.
}  3. The other person is on Usenet claiming to be an expert.
}  2. The other person is yourself, and the topic is your satisfaction
}     with your sex life.
}
} And the number one time when people lie to you:
}
}  1. The other person is an Oracular supplicant and they say they have
}     never sent the Oracle The W**dchuck Question.
}
} The Oracle owes you a magic wish.  No, really.  Just grab the other end
} of this staff.  What are you talking about?  It won't hurt.


1059-02    (5fmla dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The grandeur & magnificence of the Oracle can not be over-stated;
>
> When did the Scotch first develop tape?
> What did they originally use it for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <SCOTS>
}
} Aye, weel, it all stems back to that wee eeejit King Edward of England.
} Nae doot ye will remember that King Edward always wanted tae crush the
} Scots an' enslave them. He went sae far as tae steal the Stone of
} Scone, the most ancient symbol o' Scotland.
}
} Noo, at that time (aboot 1310 or theraboots) the leader o' the Scots
} resistance wiz Robert the Bruce, a brave man who wiz, sad tae say, a
} leper. When he heard that the Stone wiz gone he yelled oot "Jings!
} Crivens! Help ma Boab! We cannae have this sort of thing! We must find
} some means o' stoppin' oor national treasures frae bein' stolen!"
}
} It sae happened that at that moment Morag, a wee witch frae the village
} o' Kirriemuir, came knockin' on Robert's door to tell him that, while
} she wiz stirrin' her cauldron, she had discovered a very strange goo
} stickin' tae her bat intestines. Stickin' wiz the word. This goo stuck
} tae everythin' it touched.
}
} "Minger!" screams oor Robert. "We can use that goo tae stick oor
} national treasures doon! Nae Sassenach eejit will get them then! Only,
} why don't we put the goo on some tape instead o' those intestines?"
}
} Sae they sent for a tailor and borrowed his tape measure and lo and
} behold, the world's first SCOTCH TAPE was created!
}
}     -But what did they use it for?
}
} Haud yer whist, supplicant, I wiz comin' tae that. See, when Robert saw
} this bonnie new tape, he reached oot tae Morag and shook her vigorously
} by the hand. Only, he wiz a leper, an'... the poor man's right hand
} came off!
}
} Sae Robert sighed, picked up his right hand in his left hand, and said:
} "Morag, pass me that tape..."
}
} </SCOTS>
}
} You owe the Oracle a wee dram. No, better make it a big dram. Any
} single malt whisky will do.


1059-03    (f9eel dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                          LISA IN WONDERLAND
}
}                    Chapter 1: The Search for Spot
}
}       It was a sunny day, and little Lisa was traipsing along the road,
} chasing her little cat, Ellwanger, who was called "Spot," because of
} his fine stripy coat.  She had wandered down this road many times
} before -- had explored the sunny meadow to one side often -- knew every
} hollow and hiding place in the woods on the other side.  She could not
} see Spot anywhere, and was very much annoyed by this turn of events,
} for what is the use of a cat which is out of eyeshot?
}       Lisa arrived at the point where the road met the main lane to
} London, and was much perplexed, as Spot had never run this far before.
} She scrunched her nose for a moment, and turned around.  But what was
} this?  Lisa had never seen the likes of this before, for there, by the
} side of the road just as it curved, was a large oaken door, with a
} handsome brass knocker.  Lisa had seen such doors many times before --
} why, there was even on her very front door at home -- yet never one
} quite so peculiar as this, for all the other doors she knew were
} attached to frames, with frames attached to houses.  But this was a
} large, lonely-looking door, unfettered by anything in the world, on the
} edge of the wood along the road.  She pondered the door for a moment,
} and stepped forward to open it, but it would not budge an inch, which
} vexed Lisa very sorely.  She walked around behind the door, and found
} the back of a large oaken door, without a handsome brass knocker, but
} with a little brass latch, which was latched.  Lisa unlatched the door,
} and walked through, whereupon she found herself beside the road, across
} from the sunny meadow which she knew so well.  Lisa was much nonplussed
} by this turn of events, and turned around to behold the door behind
} her.  It was closed -- her governess had trained Lisa well in the art
} of door-closing, which many Helpful Mnemonic Poems to help her, such as
} Lisa's favourite poem:
}
}               The fly which buzzes all the year
}               Is joy qua joy for all to hear.
}               But birds, which only sing in Spring
}               Are loathed; thus we have bird-hunting.
}
} which always helped Lisa to recall that she should close doors behind
} her -- but Lisa soon reopened the door and passed through from the
} meadow-side.
}       Lisa soon regretted her governess' fine job of training, as after
} she subconsciously closed the door behind her this time, she found
} herself in a very dark place indeed.
}
}                 Chapter 2: The Undiscovered Country
}
}       This turn of events perplexed Lisa greatly, particularly as she
} could not find the door-handle again when she turned to look for it.
} She had no match, nor candle nor Zippo, so she merely grappled in the
} dark for a while, becoming increasingly petulant as her search remained
} fruitless.  "Oh, dear, I'll never make it home for tea _now_," she
} sighed.
}       "So have some here," called a voice behind her.  Lisa whirled
} around to find a smartly outfitted table, illuminated by an elaborate
} candelabra of the best faux crystal, set with tea and biscuits.  Lisa
} was once more perplexed by these happenings, firstly as there was no
} one at the table by whom she could have been called, secondly as she
} was quite certain that the table and lit candelabra had not been there
} just a moment before, and thirdly because there were no biscuits, but
} instead a particularly (somewhat disgustingly so, Lisa thought, and
} rightly so) soft white bread.
}       Lisa decided to talk to her companion.  "Where are you, Mr --"
}       "Pack.  But you may call me Malcolm."  Just as these words were
} spoken, an enormous rat (who proved to be the speaker of them) emerged
} from the darkness around the table.  He was clothed in the finest
} fashions of the 1850's, and thus would have been singularly out of
} place at either the Congress of Vienna or that of Berlin, which Lisa
} immediately noticed. Her governess had, of course, taught her the
} famous couplet about aristocratic European fashions of the 1850's.
} "Please be seated."
}       Lisa obeyed -- she did not know how improper it was to take
} orders from rats like Malcolm -- and soon began to inquire after where
} she happened to be.  "Mr Rat Malcolm," she began, "where might I
} happen to be?"
}       The rat Pack seemed somewhat taken aback by this query; he
} narrowed his eyes and finished chewing his bread before responding,
} "Why, in Kinzleria, of course."
}       "I see," said Lisa, though of course she did not.  Her governess
} had not been very proficient at teaching Geography, and all Lisa could
} remember of Kinzleria was that it was somewhat near Deliria.  "Thank
} you for your hospitality; it was most kind, but my Governess has told
} me never to stay too long at tables frequented by unwashed
} plague-carrying vermin, or that I might someday find myself married to
} a Tory."  She grabbed a considerable quantity of the spongy-looking
} bread, stuffed in into her pockets, curtsied as prettily as she could,
} and walked back off into the darkness.
}
}                         Chapter 3: Degenerations
}
}       As she walked farther and farther from the table where she had
} tead with Malcolm, Lisa noticed that there was an increasing spring in
} her step.  At first she thought that was due to something in the tea or
} bread, but then she recalled that she had not consumed either, and that
} it therefore could not very likely have been something she ate.
} Nevertheless, she found herself (rather to her chagrin) bounding higher
} and farther with every step.
}       "This is a damned nuisance," she said, using a phrase she didn't
} understand but with which her Governess frequently used, mainly to
} describe her.
}       Shortly, though, she noted, high in the darkness above her, a
} doorway, and although the door was closed, the doorjamb was made with
} sufficient imperfectness that streams of light were visible.  In spite
} of all her jumping, she still could not reach even the very bottom of
} the door.
}       "Oh, dear," said Lisa.  "I'm not bounding nearly high enough.
} Whatever shall I do?"
}       She tried jumping from one leg, and two legs, and using her hands
} as well as feet to push off from the ground, and every trick she could
} think of to propel herself higher, but all was in vain.  Though she
} sometimes came quite close, she still could not reach the door.
}       Lisa thought a bit, and wondered if there might be, somewhere in
} the darkness around her, a tree like the one in the front garden of her
} home; for that tree was wonderful for climbing, and, Lisa thought,
} would be quite large enough to take her even as high as the door was.
} After a brief search, she indeed found a suitable tree, and began, with
} great delight, to climb.
}       She was not yet halfway to the door, however, when her foot
} landed upon a very strange feeling branch indeed.  The branch squealed
} agonizedly beneath her foot, and suddenly was revealed to have a large
} cat sitting on it, when the cat burst into a rage of phosphorescent
} grandeur.  "Why don't you look where you're going, young lady?" it
} snarled, in a surprisingly sultry voice.
}       The cat looked terribly ugly and frightening to Lisa; part of
} her revulsion was due to the sickly green pallor of the cat's glow, but
} the larger disgust was wrought by the horrible ugliness of the cat's
} face.  It reminded Lisa strongly of the face of the horrible fishmonger
} Mr Kelly, would lived down the road and who always made strange and
} lascivious noises and gestures whenever Lisa and her governess walked
} by.  The horrible effect was made the more strange by the head being
} squished sideways by Lisa's foot.
}       "I'm frightfully sorry, little cat," said Lisa rather
} perfunctorily, "but I'm trying to get up to the door, and --"
}       The cat smiled at this, and Lisa stopped at the hideousness
} before her.  For the cat's smile was odd: sharp and irregular, and
} strangely pointed.
}       "Don't let me hold you back, my dear girl," purred the cat.  "But
} perhaps I should point out that the way up is sometimes best reached by
} going forward."  With that, the cat's feet lost their luminosity, and
} the effect was spreading up its legs.
}       "Oh, dear, cat," quoth Lisa.  "You seem to be darkening."
}       "Indeed I am," said the cat, still smiling, "and I think I may
} take you down with me."  The disappearance was accelerating to an
} alarming pace, and the cat's body was all but invisible in the
} darkness.
}       "Good heavens, you are an opaque little feline!  Whatever do you
} mean by that?" said Lisa, rather alarmed.
}       "On the contrary, I am quite transparent," said the cat, and
} proved in by becoming entirely invisible but for that sickly, sideways
} smile, which hung as though suspended for a moment before disappearing
} altogether.
}       With it disappeared the tree to which Lisa had clinging, and she
} found herself falling to the ground below.
}
}                   Chapter 4: The Wrath of Khandai
}
}       She landed, much to her surprise, on some parquet -- she was
} surprised both because all the other realms beyond the door had been
} floored with the creamiest of linoleum, and because the parquet was
} under a blazingly bright light, which quite blinded her for a moment.
} Once she recovered her sight, she discovered that she was not alone in
} the Parquet Room;  rather, there were two men in varying states of
} inactivity with her.  One sat cringing in a corner, speaking constantly
} to himself in soft, fast, rhymed couplets; the other sat slouched in
} the middle of the room, who was sporting a Maxwell's Equations t-shirt,
} a loincloth, and elevator shoes and eating some pasty white bread, not
} three feet away from Lisa.
}       Lisa was rather perplexed by this odd pair of characters, and was
} going to ignore them completely -- a fate they clearly deserved -- when
} she realized that that would make this chapter awfully short and
} deviate from the precedent so foolishly created in past allusions to
} Doyle and Austen.  She turned to the one nearest her and said, "Excuse
} me, but could you tell me where I am?"
}       The figure sneered contemptuously and went back to its studious
} slouching.  Lisa, fearing she had made some sort of faux pas -- her
} governess had always warned her about something having to do with geeks
} wearing lifts -- and retreated toward the corner, to speak with the
} other fellow.  Once there, she decided not to make the same mistake,
} and so introduced herself by saying, "Hello.  My name is Lisa.  I live
} upstairs from here.  Haven't I seen you somewhere before?  Anyway, I
} was wondering if you could tell me precisely where I am." to which the
} little sniveller surprised her by responding,
}
}                 O maiden young and lithe and fair,
}                 You are approaching Orrie's lair.
}
} Lisa didn't exactly know what "lithe" meant, but it sounded like a good
} thing, so she continued the conversation.
}       "So, who is this Mr Orrie and how do I get to his lair?"
}
}                 Orrie's better than them all;
}                 To find him just go through this wall.
}
} He pointed to a nearby wall as he spoke, but his meaning was still
} cryptic.
}
}       "You know, I'd really think you'd be a more effective
} communicator if you'd quit talking like that."
}
}                 I know, miss, but I must slog or he'll
}                 *ZOT* me for not speaking doggerel.
}
}       "What?!? You're not making any sense!"
}
}                 Orrie said, "Zadoc, do not
}                 Quit rhyming or you'll get a *ZOT*."
}
}       Lisa rolled her eyes.  This fellow was clearly just as crazy as
} the other.  She turned to look for an exit.  While looking, she heard
} the mysterious Zadoc character mutter, "*You* try coming up with a
} coherent rhyme for 'doggerel,'" which was followed by the most
} horrendous noise Lisa had ever heard.  She whirled around to find a
} pile of ash being all that remained of Zadoc, while the slouching
} fellow seemed utterly nonplussed by the turn of events.  Lisa was
} sorely vexed by the whole situation, until she noticed a hole in the
} wall in front of which Zadoc had previously been cowering.   Two birds
} having been killed with one stone, she crawled through the hole.
}
}                    Chapter 5: The Final Frontier
}
}       Once she emerged in the other side, Lisa found herself in a
} tremendous chamber painted all in white, replete with a woman and man
} dressed all in white.  The woman was standing haughtily, and shouting,
} but just at what she was shouting was a mystery to Lisa, for it did not
} seem to be the man, who was cringing in a manner strangely reminiscent
} of how the Zadoc had.  Due to the size of the chamber and its poor
} acoustics, Lisa could not make out at all what was being said, so she
} approached them.
}       As she did so, however, the woman turned towards her, let out a
} shriek, and said, "A spy!  A spy!"
}       Lisa, not being the brightest bulb in the chandelier, turned and
} looked behind her.  Seeing no one, she turned back to the Woman in
} White and asked, "Where?"
}       The Woman's countenance grew even more sour at this question, and
} Lisa was rather afraid that the Woman might suffer an apoplectic
} stroke. But instead, she asked, "Who dares to approach and speak so
} casually to the Princess of the North?  Matthew!" The man leapt to
} attention at this.  "Find out who the spy is and who sent her."
}       Matthew turned to Lisa.  "Who are you, child?"
}       "I am Lisa, sir."
}       "And who sent --"
}       "MATTHEW!" interrupted the Princess of the North.  "Are you not
} going to tell me who she is?"
}       "B-but of course, your majesty.  She is Lisa."
}       The Princess of the North fumed at Matthew.  "You insubordinate
} little fool!  Don't you know I have excellent ears?  I heard her very
} well, and you needn't repeat everything she says!"
}       "Oh, but my dear, sweet Kimberley--"
}       "Quit your snivelling!  There is no excuse for such conduct!
} Keep it up and tonight you must once more face my Siberian huskies. .
} .and believe me, they're feeling quite husky today!"  The Snow Princess
} growled at Matthew, who blanched and shrank from her.
}       Lisa was utterly befuddled. "Whatever is going on?" she asked.
}       The Princess of the North's fury was turned back towards Lisa by
} this question.  "The Spy!  So you came back, eh?  And I see your
} pockets are loaded, no doubt with valuable treasures!  You shall regret
} that!  I find you guilty of espionage, theft, burglary, and treason!"
}       Lisa was taken aback.  "Do I not even get to be tried by a jury
} of my peers?"
}       "A jury of your peers?  But my dear child, we established clear
} back in the beginning of chapter two that you had no match," the shrew
} countered, "and how could one who has no match, and therefore no equal,
} have peers?  That is quite the lexical tautology.  I sentence you to
} ten aeons in The Machine."
}       Matthew gasped and fainted.
}
}                     Chapter 6: The Voyage Home
}
}       The Princess of the North stamped her foot, and a snow-white
} trapdoor opened.  Two ghouls dressed all in white emerged, bearing what
} appeared to be a large snow-white box, but it was rather hard to see
} what was going on with everything being so very white.
}       "Timm!  Choo!  Get back in your dungeon!" cried Princess
} Kimberley, and the two ghouls retreated to the nether regions from
} whence they came, thoughtfully closing the trapdoor behind them.  Lisa
} wondered for a moment whether her governess had also trained them,
} before her attention was diverted by the Princess telling her to enter
} the Machine.
}       Lisa protested, "But how am I supposed to do that?"
}       The Princess was furious at such insolence.  "By opening it up
} and walking inside, you addlebrained addlepate!"
}       Matthew was somewhat brought back to consciousness by the noise,
} and sat up partways.
}       "Oh.  Before I go, I'd like you to know that I think your accent
} is really annoying," said Lisa, and opened the Machine, preparing to
} face a near-eternity of anguish.  As soon as she had pulled open the
} latch which barred the Machine closed, however, the door popped open
} and out came a stately middle-aged gentleman wearing stylish purple
} robes emerged.
}       "Deus ex machina!" cried Matthew, before fainting once more. "The
}       Oracle came out!" cried The Princess of the North, before
} she was fried to a crisp.  Then, suddenly, there was a blaze of light,
} and Lisa found herself back on the road near her house, and little Spot
} rubbing against her leg.
}       Lisa was beside herself with joy.  "Oh, wonderful Mr Oracle!
} However can I repay you for saving me?"
}       The Oracle smiled.  "Just wait a year or two; you shall
} adequately be able to thank me then, once you are a little more grown
} up."  Lisa hugged him tenderly, and he disappeared as mysteriously as
} he came.
}       Lisa sighed after he left.  "Come along, Spot, I have some bread
} in my pock -- well, where did it go?  I know I had it a moment ago!"
} But the fluffy white bread had not teleported with her.  "Oh, well.  At
} least I shall be able to tell Governess what a good girl I am."


1059-04    (6hqh7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you that does not tolerate fools, you that taught
> Zeus, you that got Charon his job, I bow before you and ask;
>
> What is the Axiom of Choice?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" is off
} tonight. May I suggest the "You can't teach an old dog new tricks"?
}
} Excellent choice waiter. What philosophical biography would you
} recommend to accompany that?
}
} I would recommend a full bodied Socrates. The BC139 is especially good,
} but perhaps a little pricy.
}
} Do you have anything a little cheaper?
}
} Of course, the BC142 is always a popular choice. Now, would the
} children like to order?
}
} They're not big readers, what would you recommend?
}
} On the children's menu, we're doing a special on "A stitch in time
} saves nine" with Sophie's World for dessert.
}
} Excellent waiter.
}
} [Family reads noisily for about an hour and a half. As they prepare to
}  leave the waiter returns].
}
} *Ahem*
}
} Yes???
}
} *Ahem* My tip......?
}
} Oh sorry, I forgot. "Keep a very small fold-up umbrella in your
} briefcase. It may not be very effective, but will keep you reasonably
} dry in an unexpected shower".
}
} I *hate* this job.
}
} You owe The Oracle a tip. No no, the real $$$$$ one.


1059-05    (dfgib dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest oracle, who has a greener thumb than the jolly green giant
> (tm), who every year plants the "Great pumpkin" vine for Linus (tm) to
> see with snoopy (tm). Please tell me,
>
> Oracle oracle, quite contrary,
> how does your queue grow ?
> With questions from hotmail and juno
> all lined up FIFO?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       In Bloomington did Kinzler Steve,
}       A funny humor-group decree:
}       Where Rec, the hierarchy, ran
}       Such boredom measureless to man
}           And pointless jokes on C.
}       So thrice the CFV's went 'round,
}       Dot humor saw two groups newfound:
}       And there were new jokes bright with humorous skills,
}       Where blossomed many a pun of subtlety;
}       And here was humor that could end all evils,
}       Digestions much like 293-03!
}
}       But oh! that crappy online service which chanted
}       Of the ME TOO's did it over and over!
}       A cretin's place! so gawky and unwanted,
}       As its empty-headed lusers flaunted
}       Their pyramid schemes till they crashed the server!
}       And from this service, with morons yacking,
}       As if most of the head's O2 was lacking,
}       A massive cesspool momently was spewed:
}       Amid our cries of "Goddamit, we're screwed,"
}       Dumb questions deluged in impressive scale,
}       With even some about the frinked ringtail.
}       And 'mid these brainless saps at once and ever
}       It flung up momently the xylem thrower!
}       Five million Marmotas with a frenzied motion,
}       The queue of questions they quickly overran,
}       Then caused some zotting measureless to man,
}       And sank in tumult that hurts to even mention.
}       And 'mid this tumult Kinzler hear from far
}       The Rhoddite readers declaring flame war!
}           The reader with the name of Joel
}           Wanted us to be his slaves;
}           Of him we thought "disembowel"
}           And the askme's came in waves!
}       It was a miracle of rare device,
}       A funny humor-group...but no! not twice:
}           A Juno with a queue-drainer
}           In an answer once I saw:
}           It was a very twisted mind,
}           All of those replies one-lined,
}           Looking like YES NO HELL ZOT.
}           Could we revive within us
}           The spirit that once was,
}           And go do something callous,
}           Like spear his corneas,
}           Or set fire to his hair?
}           The queue-drainer! Dumb as most lice!
}           And all will see him do well ne'er,
}           And all will cry, Not fair! Not fair!
}           His tiny brain, his vacant stare!
}           So send your tellme's at least twice,
}           And view replies with holy dread,
}           For he on purple 'shrooms hath fed,
}           And drunk the Jolt till sunrise.


1059-06    (goo63 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> Why does a mirror flip an image right to left, but not
> up to down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy, because your eyes are split along the horizontal axis, but not
} along the vertical axis. This can easily be shown. If you send
} something towards the mirror along the vertical axis, let's see, ok
} urinate upwards towards the mirror while standing in front of it...
}
} [The supplicant does so and is splashed in the face]
}
} > I'm blind, I'm blind!!!
}
} You see. Oh, well, not exactly 'see'. I've not only solved your problem
} but made sure that it's never a problem for you again.
}
} You owe The Oracle a periscope.


1059-07    (erl83 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle wise, wierd and wonderful - sorry most wise, most wierd and most
> wonderful, please tell me:
>
> What is so new about New Age?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wierd is spelt wrong.  It's weird.  Remember, the word is weird, too,
} so its spelling has to be weird.
}
} The folks who invented it thought about calling it Old Age, but that
} term had already been used.  "New Age" was all that was left, Middle
} Age also having been taken.  It's the same old stuff that used to be
} called "The Age of Aquarius" but never quite caught on among the common
} folk because they thought it was "The Age of Aquariums" and were afraid
} the cat would mess it up if they got one.


1059-08    (6kuc5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Instruct us Grand Oracle, spew forth knowledge and we will learn more
>  from the crumbs that we could from years of exhaustive research.
>
>  How can we best understand wheat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} dear Supplicant
}
} As always, the question already contains the answer.
}
} (w)HEAT: Lots of energy. Burn it, let it ferment, let it decompose. All
} these natural processes give off lots of heat that could be harnessed.
} If you think splitting uranium atoms give a lot of energy, just wait
} until you try (w)heat.
}
} (wh)EAT: Lots of stuff to eat. You humans have this pretty much worked
} out, but not all of it - stick to the starch.
}
} (whe)AT: This gets more tricky, but that is why the pay-off is so great
} when you can crack it. Take AT(&T - added for camouflage) for instance.
}
} (whea)T: Explosive! Look at Mr. T. And all the T in China. And the
} importance of the T in golf.
}
} (wheat): If you understand this you will instantaneously attain the
} highest enlightenment.
}
} I happen to know these few crumbs will help you crack the next level of
} the Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe game.
}
} You owe the Oracle the secret of how to get through that damn door on
} the spaceship.


1059-09    (fhkf6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty and sweet-smelling Oracle, who truly knows
> "Where's the beef?" and all other things bovine and
> equine, enlighten this humblish supplicant who is
> probably fit to clean up after your cattle but not
> much else:
>
> What's this dead horse doing in my bathtub?
>
>                               -M.O.O. Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}           um...Trigger Treat?
}
}           you owe the Oracle a tape of Halloween sounds


1059-10    (8gsj2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, Master of Syncretism, Wizard of Teleology, True Designer of
> the Wheatstone Bridge;
>
> What will be the predominate Zeitgeist of the next millennium?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most people in the next millennium will be...
}
} As flexible as Aristotle
} As pleasant as Socrates
} As fun as Seneca
} As intelligent as Charlemagne
} As brave as Copernicus
} As idealistic as Machiavelli
} As straightforward as Descartes
} As altruistic as Marie-Antoinette
} As sensible as Dickens
} As open-minded as Freud
} As religious as Nietzsche
} And as magnanimous as Bill Gates
}
} You owe the Oracle a prize for not mentioning Bill Clinton.


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