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22 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:40:36 GMT

Internet Oracularities #106

Goto:
106, 106-01, 106-02, 106-03, 106-04, 106-05, 106-06, 106-07, 106-08, 106-09, 106-10


Usenet Oracularities #106    (18 votes, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Jan 90 00:42:04 GMT

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   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

106   18 votes 58230 65232 55431 02943 02385 02475 03645 33273 85320 74322
106   2.9 mean  2.2   2.4   2.4   3.4   3.9   3.8   3.6   3.2   1.9   2.3


106-01    (58230 dist, 2.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me what makes the world go swim?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BLUB BLUB under BLUB BLUB water BLUB BLUB orgasms BLUB BLUB
} BLUB BLUB yeah...
}
} You owe the oracle clean water in its swimming pool...


106-02    (65232 dist, 2.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I such a lousy Christian?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because you have finnaly realized that the *REAL* gods are the
} net.*.god{desse}s.  The most famous of those is of course Lisa the
} net.sex.goddess.  You may also have heard about Dave the net.sex.god and
} Barbara the net.suppleness.goddess, but there are a lot more.  There are
} in fact 256 of them, so that each has his/her own 8-bit code.
}
} For a complete list, see the file /etc/gods.


106-03    (55431 dist, 2.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When Francis was young, he had seven fingers on each hand, and three
> more on each ear.  As he grew older and wiser, more and more fingers
> grew, until now Francis has two hundred and eighteen fingers.
>
> When Elizabeth was young, she had a tongue two feet long.  As she grew
> older and wiser, her tongue grew longer and longer, until now that she
> is eighteen she can give herself head.
>
> When Omar was young, he cut off my allowance.
>
> What is wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Francis has eighteen heads, and Elizabeth has a tongue two hundred and
} eighteen feet long, but still won't give Omar head.


106-04    (02943 dist, 3.4 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is the oracle compatible with God or is God just a sub-process ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     God is actually a child process of The Oracle (GODCHILD).  It is
} currently, has always been, and always will be, stuck in an infinite
} loop.  There is a daemon process that runs continuously trying to remedy
} this situation.
}     Since these two processes compete for processing time, there has
} been a wide division as to which side people believe should be allowed
} to run freely and which process should be killed.  Those siding with the
} GODCHILD process are known as Capitalistic Homophiles Relishing Insipid
} Systems Taking Infinite Amounts of Neural Strength (CHRISTIANS), while
} those who think the daemon process is better are usually known as Stupid
} And Tightfisted And Not-In-Social-Touch Suckers (SATANISTS).
}
}     As payment for this answer, The Oracle demands that you start a
} crackpot religion for tax purposes.


106-05    (02385 dist, 3.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did unicorns only let innocent female virgins ride them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For pretty much the same reason that you only let innocent female
} virgins ride you.
}
} You owe the Oracle some safe sex.


106-06    (02475 dist, 3.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why were we all born unto this earth only to suffer and die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most assfaces would tell you that ours is not to reason why, ours is but
} to do or die, but I -- I will give you the straight deal>>
}
} We are not all born unto this earth only to suffer and die.  We are all
} born unto this earth to believe the above statement.
}
} You see, Bhuddha, and Allah, and God, and Satan, and Zeus, and all of
} the Denver Bronco Cheerleaders, and Several lesser deities got around to
} bickering one day.  So, they decided to have the ultimate in contests.
}
} Bhuddha said let there be nothing.  Zeus said let there be Chaos, Satan
} said let there be darkness.  God said let me separate the light from
} dark and make day and night.  Carolyn said "he he he".  Wendy said "he
} he he".  Laura Lee said "he ..." [you see the pattern] and the other
} deities made things like twinkies and such.
}
} Anyway, out of the Chaos and the nothing and the dark and the light and
} the banana flavored complex carbohydrates, man came into being.
}
} Well, to make a long story short, we are the incarnation of the belief
} that there is no meaning to life.  If everyone turns away from this
} toward Bhuddhism, harmony wins.  If everyone turns to mythology, power
} wins.  If everyone turns to sin, darkness wins.  If everyone turns to
} Mecca, honey and bread wins.  If everyone turns to some other deity,
} [nah, don't kid yourself].  If everyone turns to looking down tight
} shirts from weird camera angles, who knows what may happen.
}
} So you see, jump away from determinism and place your vote now!!


106-07    (03645 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I seem to have lost myself, can you tell me where to find me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Clunk... 411.... brrring...
}
} Operator: Directory assistance, may I help you?
}
} Usenet Oracle: This is the Usenet Oracle - can you connect me to
}       lost persons, please?
}
} Operator: Yes, sir.
}
} (Pause) Brrringg...
}
} Operator 2: Lost persons, may I help you?
}
} UO: I'm looking for Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx, (s)he seems to be lost. Can you
}       assist me?
}
} O2: One moment... (pause)... The name Xxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx does not appear
}       to be in the location database under missing persons.
}
} UO: Please check under "shit for brains".
}
} O2: One moment... (pause)... That area is classified, sir. Do you have
}       any form of clearance?
}
} UO: This is the Usenet Oracle.
}
} O2: OH! Well, here is the person you're looking for, at the top of our
}       list.
}
} UO: Where is (s)he?
}
} O2: Well, how am I supposed to know? All I know is that (s)he's on this
}       damned list as a shit-for-brains. (S)he could be anywhere.
}       Physically, (s)he's in Detroit. Mentally, whereabouts unknown.
}
} UO: Oh, well, thank you anyway.
}
} O2: You're welcome.
}
} (Click).
}
} *sigh* Looks like I have only one chance left...
}
} (Clunk)... 1-313-666-HELL... brrring...
}
} Hell Operator: AAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You've done it now, you miserable
}       smidgeon of blowfish shit! You're coming down here for eternity!
}
} UO: This is the Usenet Oracle. Lost and found please.
}
} HO: No way, you stupid Oracular pig-dog! I'll not connect you to
}       anything but your behind! Go suck on a sponge!
}
} UO: Please, don't test my patience.
}
} (Click) (pause...) brring...
}
} Lost and Found Operator: Hello, Hell lost and found...
}
} UO: This is the Usenet Oracle... do you have a wandering soul by the
}       name of Xxxxx Xxxxxxxxx down there?
}
} LFO: Let me look... (pause) Yes, (s)he's here, swimming in lava. Shall I
}       go and get it for you?
}
} UO: Please.
}
} (pause)
}
} Wandering Soul: H-hello?
}
} UO: This is the Usenet Oracle. Your body is looking for you.
}
} WS: Oh, dear me! I'll get right back! Thank you ever so much!!
}
} LFO: Anything else?
}
} UO: No, thanks very much.
}
} O2: How dare you steal a soul! I'm telling Lucifer! You'll smoke a
}       turd in hell for this, you pile of goose droppings!
}
} UO: Oh, really?!
}
} O2: I'll have you run through a {interrupted by UO fireball}.
}
} O2: (now seriously singed) H-h-have a n-n-nice d-d-day.
}
} (Click)
}
} Your self will return in a few moments.
}
} You owe the Oracle some bacon, cheese, and goat's milk.


106-08    (33273 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> It is a popular belief in 20th century America that if a young man
> masterbates hair will grow on his palms, and he'll go blind.  My friends
> and I were debating whether my condition, hair growing out of my
> eyeballs, and loss of motor-function in my hands, might arise from the
> same habit?~

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It certainly does.  But that's only to be expected, because of your
} habit of masturbating with your eyeballs instead of your hands.  Not
} many young men are able to do that.  Lisa does it with ease, though she
} prefers to use her nose, if she has to do it herself.
}
} You may, if you can pass the tests, become a diciple of Barbara, the
} net.suppleness.goddess.  She will accept male disciples, although most
} of your co-disciples will be attractive young women.  Good luck !
}
} Barbara, by the way, can also satisfy herself with her nose, but she
} does it by curling herself *backward*.  Don't try to do that.


106-09    (85320 dist, 1.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will Lisa ever marry me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa will never commit to a single creature.  However, you may devote
} your life to Lisa in the mystical net.sex.wedding, in somewhat the
} manner in which a devout Catholic woman can become the Bride of Christ.
} If you truly wish to do this, meditate nightly on Lisa, and when you are
} truly ready She will come bearing further instruction.


106-10    (74322 dist, 2.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Should all drugs be legalized?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Unnhhhh...
}
}
}                 WHAT?!
} Heyyy mannnn...
}
}      HI!!!!!!
}
} Got a chocolate bar? Any candy?!! Packet o'sugar?!?!? ANYTHING
} SWEET?!?!?!?
}
}
} Wowwwww....hey Ed, you see what I'm seein', mannnnnnnnn?
}
}
}
}                                                            HUH?!?!?
} *drool*
}
} Oh yeah..definitely, man...


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