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Internet Oracularities #1060

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1060, 1060-01, 1060-02, 1060-03, 1060-04, 1060-05, 1060-06, 1060-07, 1060-08, 1060-09, 1060-10


Internet Oracularities #1060    (77 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1998 16:40:53 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1060
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1060  77 votes 7ajpg eimg7 bbjpb aidpb ndrb3 crld4 6els8 cpx52 9jug3 4bmlj
1060  3.0 mean  3.4   2.8   3.2   3.1   2.5   2.6   3.2   2.5   2.8   3.5


1060-01    (7ajpg dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Snappy Oracle, Only Deity that can do a Decent Latin Hustle;
>
> Did any of the Clintons accidently leave anything behind in China?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} GAAAAACK! It's another one of those fscking B*ll Cl*nt*n questions!
} That's it, from now on I'm just going to have my lawyer answer these...
}
} Whereas the party of the first part ("The Supplicant") does hereby
} and forthwith agree to refrain from sending the party of the second
} part ("The Internet Oracle") any query, communication, or electronic
} transfer defined as follows:
}
}       a) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer making
}          any reference to the capabilities, deeds, and/or actions
}          of any members of the genus Marmota, including, but not
}          limited to, those capabilities, deeds, and actions involving
}          or related to the hypothetical movement, ingestion, and/or
}          regurgitation of any carcass of any organism consisting of
}          more the sixty (60) percent cellulose.
}
}       b) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer failing
}          to include at least four (3), but not more than ten (10)
}          superlatives used to directly characterize, delineate, and
}          explicate the party of the second part ("The Internet
}          Oracle").
}
}       c) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer making any
}          reference to any moving hands, feet, or other appendages,
}          particularly when the hands, feet, or other appendages are
}          in one half (1/2) of their maximum capacity for stimulation
}          of aural sensations.
}
}       d) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer
}          consisting entirely of whitespace, were whitespace is
}          hereinafter considered to include the carriage return,
}          space, horizontal tab, vertical tab, and any other
}          characters included at the discretion of the party of the
}          second part ("The Internet Oracle").
}
}       e) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer containing
}          any description of, or reference to, the genitals, lips,
}          anus, or breasts of the party of the third part ("Lisa")
}          or implying, directly or indirectly, that the party of the
}          first part ("The Supplicant") is ideating and/or
}          visualizing contact with the genitals, lips, anus, or
}          breasts of the party of the third part ("Lisa").
}
}       f) Any query, communication, or electronic transfer making
}          any reference to any presidents, rulers, or government
}          officials involved in any iniquitous or opprobrious
}          activities, including, but not limited to, iniquitous
}          or opprobrious activities involving any female person
}          between the ages of 20 and 25 having once resided in the
}          Los Angeles, California region.
}
}       g) Any other queries, communications or electronic transfers
}          to be included at the discretion of the party of the
}          second part ("The Internet Oracle").
}
} If the party of the first part ("The Supplicant") fails to comply
} (Compliance shall be defined at the discretion of the party of the
} second part ("The Internet Oracle")) with any of the regulations
} defined herein, one or more of the following actions shall be taken:
}
}       a) The party of second part ("The Internet Oracle") shall
}          apply a minimum of ten thousand (10,000) volts and a
}          maximum of sixty thousand (60,000) volts to portion of the
}          person of the party of the first part ("The Supplicant")
}          deemed appropriate by the party of the second part ("The
}          Internet Oracle").
}
}       b) The pneuma of the party of the first part ("The
}          Supplicant") shall spend a minimum of one (1) aeon, and a
}          maximum one (1) eternity submerged in a mass of liquid
}          sulphurous compounds to be defined at the discretion of the
}          party of the fourth part ("Microsoft").
}
}       c) The pneuma of the party of the first part ("The
}          Supplicant") shall be incorporated in the soma of a
}          member of the phylum Annelida, Mollusca, or Parazoa,
}          according widely accepted taxonomic classifications.
}
} BY READING THIS SELF-SAME DOCUMENT, THE PARTY OF THE FIRST PART ("The
} Supplicant") DOES HEREBY AGREE TO ALL PROVISIONS SPECIFIED HEREIN,
} AND AGREES THAT ALL PROVISIONS SHALL APPLY RETROACTIVELY TO TO ALL
} INFRACTIONS CONTAINED IN ALL QUERIES, COMMUNICATIONS, AND ELECTRONIC
} TRANSFERS RESULTING FROM ACTIONS CAUSED, DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY,
} BY ANYONE RELATED IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER TO THE PARTY OF THE FIRST
} PART ("The Supplicant").
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Oh alright, if you *insist* on an English translation:
}
} /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\<<<<ZOT!!!>>>>/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
}
} You owe the Oracle the definition of the word "is."


1060-02    (eimg7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ChaoTsu?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gesundheit.


1060-03    (bbjpb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  The first cup for thirst, the second for pleasure, the third for
>  intemperance, and the rest for madness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is a brassiere, Alex?
}
} You owe the Oracle the Daily Double.


1060-04    (aidpb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Recycling aware Oracle;
>
> Why do Americans find it repugnant for the Chinese to sell the organs
> of executed criminals?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's not repugnant, it's just really annoying when you have a liver
} transplant, and half an hour later you need a liver transplant again.
}
} You owe The Oracle some Sweet and Sour kidneys.


1060-05    (ndrb3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Cane carmen SIXPENCE, pera plena rye, De multis atris avibus
>       coctis in a pie: Simul haec pertest, cantat omnis grex, Nonne
>       permirabile, quod vidit ille rex?  Dimidium rex esus, misit ad
>       reginam Quod reliquit illa, sending back catinum Rex fuit in
>       aerario, multo nummo turmens: In culina Domina, bread and mel
>       consumens, Ancellin horticulo, hanging out the clothes, Quum
>       descendens cornix rapuit her nose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Et tu, Barney?


1060-06    (crld4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> What is the significance that Oppenheimer quoted from the Bhagavad-Gita
> when the first nuclear bomb was exploded and Indian/Pakistani
> acquisition of nuclear weapons?
>
> the stanza:
>
>            If the radiance of a thousand suns
>            Were to burst at once into the sky
>            That would be like the splendor of the Mighty one...
>
> section he quoted:
>
>            I have become Death,
>            The shatterer of Worlds.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Why do you mortals insist on seeing connections where none exist?
} J. Bobby was always a little melodramatic, and he knew a good line
} when he saw one.
}    If you're looking for signifigance, try this excerpt from
} Nostramdamus, translated from the original Latin:
}
} Knights travel under banner blue,
} Garbed in a most peculiar dress.
} No one knows where they're from,
} And enemies fall into the gap.
}
}    Look at the last words of each line, and I think you can see that
} Jefferson really was ahead of his time.


1060-07    (6els8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most Bootiful and Spooktacular Oracle, please Treat this humble
> supplicant with one of your unbelievably funny answers-
>
> What do you plan on wearing to the annual Oracle Halloween party?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course I, the Oracle, know that you meant to ask this about the
} party of AD 1998, which has of course already passed.  Thus I shall
} travel back in time and ask myself what I plan to wear:
}
} <Powers up Oracular Time Machine (TM)>
}
} ZZZZZZZZZZZZWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIWWWWWWPPPPP!
}
} OK, here we are, Oracle's Chambers, AD 1998, Oct 15.  Now, let's see
} what I plan on wearing:
}
} Me: Yo, Orrie, I want to know. . .
}
} Oracle: Who the Zot are you and how did you get in here?!
}
} Me: Well, I'm. . .
}
} Oracle: I know who you are, I'm the *Oracle* for Lisa's Sake!
}
} Me: Well, I just need to know. . .
}
} Oracle: You have to grovel first.
}
} Me: What??
}
} Oracle: You know the rules.
}
} Me: Damn, this is humiliating.  OK, great Oracle, master of time and
} space, blah, blah, blah: What do you plan on wearing to the annual
} Oracle Halloween party?
}
} Oracle:  You know you have to answer a question for me?
}
} Me: Yes, I know the rules.  Haven't I mentioned that I'm. . .
}
} Oracle:  OK, then here's your answer:
}
}     I'm going as a woodchuck; it's the scariest thing of which I
} can think.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a retroactive date with Lisa
}
} Me: OK, thanks, now I can get back and answer the question
}
} <Powers up Oracular Time Machine (TM)>
}
} PPPPPPWWWWWWWWIWWWWWWWWWWWWWZZZZZZZZZZZ!
}
} OK, here's your answer:
}
}     I'm will have planning on goinged as a woodchuck; it's the
} scariest thing of which I can think.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a retroactive date with Lisa, and right of
} Subrogation.
}
} Ok, now that's done, let's see here, another question??  From the
} Oracle?? What the Zot. . .
}
} (Question Reads:
}
} The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
}
} > Most Bootiful and Spooktacular Oracle, please Treat this humble
} > supplicant with one of your unbelievably funny answers-
} >
} > What do you plan on wearing to the annual Oracle Halloween party?
} )
}
} Errr. . . You also owe the Oracle a way out of this.


1060-08    (cpx52 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Come on Wise and Most Cunning Oracle, spill the beans;
>
> Who Is Mister Big?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, that would be Ross Clement.  No, really.  He's not some mild
} mannered kiwi working at the University of Westminster.  You see, that
} whole Artificial Intelligence thing is just a cover.  He's really the
} ring leader of an international consortium for smuggling, you guessed
} it, Multi-Orifice Blowup Dolls.  Ross Clement is not a person to be
} trifled with.
}
} One hears tales about people disappearing... do we really know what
} happened to Otis Viles this summer?  Why does Ian Davis keep
} disappearing?  Where did Richard Wilson slink off to?  Where's Waldo?
}
} Nobody really knows the answers to these questions, but Ross Clement
} has been strangely silent about the whole affair.
}
} True, there's no direct evidence linking Don Rosso, as he prefers to be
} called, to these disappearances, but during a recent interview with
} interfax, he had been quoted as saying, "Struth, these blokes 'ave been
} getting on me arse, so I 'ad me man, Zadoc, teach 'em a lesson, they
} won't forget."  Sounds pretty convincing to me.
}
} You owe Don Rosso^W^Wthe Oracle your friendship.


1060-09    (9jug3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All hail the Oracle for he is as fierce and powerful as an allegory on
> the banks of the Nile and too scary for Malebolge to hold. And more
> importantly he knows to abstain from mallows.
>
> What are the top ten things about being a private citizen that
> Bill Clinton will have trouble learning to deal with?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10. Bombing Iraq to take attention away from an argument with his
}     next door neighbour not a good policy.
}  9. Real maudlin drunks who are not the leaders of Russia and don't
}     have staff to look after them smell rather bad.
}  8. "My Fellow Americans" not a good way of addressing others in the
}     soup queue.
}  7. Much more difficult to get Au Pairs to 'put out' than it was for
}     Interns.
}  6. A slowly aging Bill no longer needs think about his Oval Office, but
}     needs to see the doctor continuously about his oval oriface.
}  5. Monica now has a larger yearly income than he does.
}  4. Without advice from Presidential nutritionist, Bill soon has larger
}     breasts than Monica does.
}  3. Eternal regret that he didn't pass a bill giving a free lifetime
}     supply of Viagra for all citizens.
}  2. Without Secret Service agents, Bill soon finds out that Chelsea's
}     friends' fathers *can* beat him up.
}
} And the most important thing that Bill will need to learn about being
} a private citizen is:
}
}  1. That only private citizens DON'T need to worry about keeping
}     things private.
}
} You owe The Oracle a majority in the Senate.


1060-10    (4bmlj dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why nobody loves me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Small green wrinkled and years 900 old are you.


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