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Internet Oracularities #1061

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1061, 1061-01, 1061-02, 1061-03, 1061-04, 1061-05, 1061-06, 1061-07, 1061-08, 1061-09, 1061-10


Internet Oracularities #1061    (82 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 12 Nov 1998 09:00:38 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1061
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1061  82 votes bttb2 ejqda nFe40 6gxi9 53pwh 4pvh5 0bmsl buu83 9oth3 47muj
1061  3.0 mean  2.6   2.8   2.0   3.1   3.6   2.9   3.7   2.5   2.8   3.6


1061-01    (bttb2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@platform.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cabbages or cauliflowers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a tough call, supplicant.  Let's check in with the sports desk,
} and see what they have to say.
}
} "Welcome back to Monday Night Salad, everybody.  John Madden has the
} Keys to Today's Dressing.  John, what do you have for us?"
}
} "Well, what we've got here is two good offensive teams facing off
} against each other.  The Cauliflower secondary is notoriously tender,
} and the Cabbages should be able to slice open the line and run the
} ball up the middle all day with no problem.  On the other hand, the
} Cauliflowers have a really strong front end, which should give their
} quarterback all the time in the world to find the open man.  The
} Cauliflowers' receivers should have an easy time shredding the Cabbage
} defense and getting open.  It's going to be a real shootout.
} Cauliflowers 45, Cabbages 42."
}
} Well, supplicant, there you have it.  Cauliflower wins by a field
} goal.


1061-02    (ejqda dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> TIME TO DIE, MR. ORACLE!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your watch is fast.


1061-03    (nFe40 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is queue-drainer bait.
>
> If you are not a queue drainer, just throw this question back where
> it came from.
>
> Thank you for your help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm sorry, but I'm not in season right at this very minute.
}
} You owe The Oracle some more tellmes.


1061-04    (6gxi9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> (No. And that's my final word.)
>
> Uh, Orrie, yeah. Hi. It's me, Thor.
>
> I know I agreed to allow Zadoc to stay here once a month, but, well,
> I'm second guessing myself right now. You see, Zadoc is more of a
> problem to deal with then I thought he would be.
>
> (Stop that! I'd like to be alive after Zeus comes over.)
>
> I knew about his incessant groveling; I figured I could handle that.
> I knew about the problems of putting him around women; I figured I
> would just lock him in the closet while Eris, or some mortal wench,
> was here.  But I didn't count on his stupidity. He just keeps on
> doing stuff that offends everybody.  For example, just now -
>
> (I SAID STOP THAT! OR I'LL BE FORCED TO USE MJOLLNIR ON YOU!)
>
> Ahem. As I was saying, he does stuff that offends everybody.
> For example, licking feet. Now, that might be all well and good at the
> Oracle temple, but among the more barbaric gods, as well as many of
> the civilized ones, it doesn't go over all that well. And the phone
> bills are getting rather large, as he keeps calling his brothers at
> all hours.
>
> Anyway, what I called to ask was, when are you going to be done
> defuming your temple? I'd like to get Zadoc off of my hands and out
> of my house soon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Now, now, just because little Zaddy puts his foot in his mouth once in
} a while, doesn't mean you have to characterise it so coarsely.  He's
} simply trying to recreate some of the sensations he experienced during
} his brief elopement with Lisa a while back.
}
} As to the other issues raised in your letter. . .well, it's nice to see
} that you're doing your part to preserve the Scandinavians' reputation
} for affable emptyheadedness.  I mean, really -- you *believed* him when
} he told you that he had nine brothers working at Mischa's House of Hot
} and Heavy Phone Phantasies?  (You also believed him, I noticed, when he
} said that he and Sif had just been playing Battleship when they were
} discovered naked together under Bifrost.  Can we say "living in
} denial"?) And more to the point, you *believed* me when I said that I'd
} take him back in a month?  Ha.
}
} Have fun with your new little pet.  Maybe you can get him in a myth or
} two someday.
}                                       Oracle
}
} P.S.  Could you babysit Kendai and Darkmage next month?  The plumbing
}       in one wing the Temple is going to be redone, and we don't really
}       have enough bathroom space for everybody.


1061-05    (53pwh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My respect for the Oracle's wisdom is exceeded only by my regard for
> her wit which is only eclipsed by the esteem I have for her knowledge;
> What are ten things every human living in the nineties should know
> how to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To get ahead in the nineties, you need to know how to:
}
} 1. Assign blame
}
} "When I placed the cup of coffee between my knees and drove
} rapidly away from the drive-through window, it was your fault that I
} scalded my thighs, because the coffee was too hot."
}
} 2. Be literal minded
}
} "The instructions for the microwave didn't say that I *shouldn't* dry
} my dog in it."
}
} 3. Self-heal
}
} "Those doctors with their fancy machines and complicated tests don't
} know what they are doing. Just a moment while I wave this crystal over
} my tumour."
}
} 4. Avoid responsibility
}
} "I'm sorry I raped you, but it was my father's fault for beating me."
}
} 5. Boast about personal stupidity
}
} "I can't even program the VCR!"
}
} 6. Seek reparations
}
} "I'm suing you for damages because when you restarted my heart after
} the car accident, you broke two of my ribs."
}
} 7. Say nothing with many words
}
} "Can we all agree on a strategy for moving forward in accordance with
} the Mission Statement?"
}
} 8. Assert personal freedom
}
} "I should be allowed to drink and drive if I want to. Hand me another
} beer, son."
}
} 9. Count
}
} "The supplicant wants ten things, you idiot."
}
} You owe the Oracle a Work Ethic, an elementary arithmetic book, and
} some Common Sense.


1061-06    (4pvh5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This is a test of the emergency screaming system. This is only a test.
>
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
> HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
> HHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>
> This was a test of the emergency screaming system. This was only a
> test. Had this been a real emergency, the screaming you just heard
> would have been followed by more like it. This concludes this test of
> the emergency screaming system.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle removed his headphones and set them gingerly on the counter.
} Everything was in place for THE PLAN. It was a maxim as old as Olympus:
} be careful what you ask for...you may get it.
} He hesitated a moment...his finger poised above the button...there was
} no going back once it was pressed. But there was a hope of a new
} tomorrow, a new internet, purged of the clueless and the inane.
} With a soft *click* the transmissions began. Each user recieving his
} just desserts: pictures of Monica and Bill, N00D GIFS of Martha
} Stewart, lengthy and hopelessly involved calculations involving wood
} density ratios and w**dc**ck muscle lifting capacity....the
} transmissons went on for hours. Then stopped. And the Oracle smiled a
} grim, weary smile of satisfaction as all across the net the screaming
} began....


1061-07    (0bmsl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> True blue Oracle, he is always there for us ready to help in a flash,
> proud and brave and good. The Oracle stands between us and chaos.
>
> What did policemen eat before the invention of the donut?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A profound and serious question for a change, worthy of in-depth
} research!  Supplicant, you restore my faith in humanity!
}
} Very well, let us turm the clock back 100 years and see what the
} policeman on the beat was ingesting...
}
}                         * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Holmes: My word, Inspector, but your fidgeting could try the patience of
}   the proverbial saint.
}
} Lestrade: Dash it all, Holmes! We have been sat here in the cramped
}   confines of this Hansom cab for well nigh hours at a stretch. What
}   makes you so confoundedly certain that the miscreants are even at
}   this moment ensconced in the Georgian terraced habitation opposite?
}
} Holmes: As I already have had occasion to explain to you, my excellent
}   fellow, the five red-haired gentlemen and the Prussian
}   Under-Secretary are most certainly still at their nefarious
}   business indoors.  Otherwise, the sound of the dog barking in the
}   night would indubitably have reached our ears. This is surely an
}   elementary deduction, even for London's Finest.
}
} Cabbie: 'Ow much longer do I 'ave to sit 'ere? It's flippin' freezin',
}   it is!
}
} Lestrade: Silence, you working-class scalawag, lest I be obliged to take
}   my riding-stock to your back!
}
} Holmes: The long hours of waiting appear to have had a deleterious
}   effect on your customary good humour as well as your ability to
}   remain immobile, if I may say so.
}
} Lestrade: I had scant opportunity to partake of any form of evening
}   victuals before you saw fit to take it upon yourself to drag me out
}   here.  I am now beginning to fall prey to the pangs of unrequited
}   hunger and, consequently, my temper is somewhat slightly out of
}   sorts. Hark! What is that sound?
}
} Holmes: The dog?
}
} Lestrade: No, it is the cry of the itinerant jellied eel and dough-nut
}   monger! I am saved! Would you care for some refreshment, Holmes?
}
} Holmes: Not I. And surely, Inspector, the matter at hand is of
}   sufficient gravity and national import to induce you to overlook the
}   occasional rumblings of a discontented stomach and remain at your
}   post.
}
} Lestrade: Holmes, get knotted.
}
} [Exit Lestrade]
}
}                         * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Hmm, evidently we didn't go back far enough. Let's try a tad earlier...
}
}                         * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Beregar: I hied me hither as soon as thy message reached me, Brother.
}   What transpires?
}
} Cadfael: 'Tis young Wulfhere, the inn-keeper's son. I have been apprized
}   that he is at this very hour in yon chapel, purloining the relics of
}   Saint Simeon the Sanctimonious.
}
} Beregar: The young varlet! Let us thence forthwith to apprehend him!
}
} Cadfael: Nay, Hugh, 'tis not his own doing that he is about this
}   business, I trow. Certes he has been forced unto it by the lord of the
}   demesne, Sir Gervase de Rottinger, who has threatened that, were he to
}   do otherwise, Sir Gervase would exercise his droit-de-seigneur on
}   Wulfhere's fiancee, the fair and innocent Ethelthryth.
}
} Beregar: By all the Saints, Brother, cozen ye me not? I'faith, not in
}   all my years as shire-reeve have I heard of such corsednesse withal.
}   So what must our path be?
}
} Cadfael: We await here, hidden in Much the Miller's cart, until Wulfhere
}   hands the relics over to Sir Gervase, at which juncture you emerge and
}   catch them in the act.
}
} Much: Prithee, fine gentles, but I must have the use of my cart!
}
} Cadfael: Gramercy, Miller, no other place avails where we can watch and
}   not be watched.
}
} Beregar: Much, stout yeoman, we will pay thee three groats for every
}   hour that we require the use of thy most sturdy and becoming cart.
}   And a rack of venison to recompense thee for thine upholding of
}   the law. Mayhap this dost meet thy needs?
}
} Much: Well, I wit not...
}
} Beregar: Fie, venal miller! Hold thy tongue and begone to thy mill,
}   there to grind some flour or whatever it is those that follow thy
}   calling do.  And whilst thou art about it, make me one of thine
}   excellent dough-nuttes.  Verily, I starve!
}
} [Exit Much the Miller]
}
} Cadfael: Canst think of eating at such a time like this, Hugh?
}
} Beregar: God's Truth, Brother, a shire-reeve's lot is not a happy one,
}   yet it should not neither be a hungry one, methinks.
}
}                         * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Rats, still not far enough. Okay, earlier still...
}
}                         * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} Thag: Hel-lo, Og. What Og do?
}
} Og: Name not Og. Name Ser-geant Og, sun-shine. Ser-geant Og look cave.
}   Bad man in cave. Bad man steal Og-wa furs. Ser-geant Og wait bad man
}   come out cave. Ser-geant Og catch bad man red han-ded.
}
} Thag: Why bad man red han-ded?
}
} Og: Ser-geant Og cover all cave mammoth blood. Bad man come out cave.
}   Bad man red han-ded, red foot-ed, red all over.
}
} Thag: Ser-geant Og more smart av-er-age Australopithecine.
}
} Og: Thag not whis-tle Dixie.
}
} Thag: How long Ser-geant Og look cave?
}
} Og: One, two, um, many hour. Og mur-der reindeer steak just now.
}
} Thag: Thag go hunt. Ser-geant Og want come?
}
} Og: Ser-geant Og want. Ser-geant Og come.
}
} Thag: What if bad man come out cave? Ser-geant Og not here, not catch
}   red han-ded.
}
} Og: Um...
}
} Thag: Ser-geant Og in cleft stick.
}
} Og: Ser-geant Og say what hell. Go hunt, go catch woolly rhi-no-cer...
}   um, rhi-no... um, thing with horn. Give Og-wa fur. Og-wa have new fur,
}   not cover mammoth blood. Bad man have wet sticky fur. Og-wa happy, bad
}   man wet sticky. Ser-geant Og say case close.
}
} Thag: What mean case close?
}
} Og: Ser-geant Og not know. Ser-geant Og say any-way. Sound good.
}
} [Exeunt]
}
}                         * * * * * * * * * * *
}
} So there you have it, Supplicant. Before donuts, policemen ate woolly
} rhinoceroses. And remember, you heard it here first.


1061-08    (buu83 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I convert GIF's, JPEG's, and similar bitmap-format graphics
> into a vector graphic format for typesetting?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You don't.
}
} Instead, come visit the Oracular Archives!
}
} Yes, that's right! Updated every hour, HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS, even
} MORE THAN THOUSANDS G, PG, PG-13, NC-17, R, X, XX, XXX, XXXX, XXXX^X
} PICS, free for the taking! COMPLETELY FREE*!
}
} What is it that you fancy? W**dch*ks doing unspeakable acts with
} humans? Zadoc doing unspeakable acts with W**dch*ks? (Eww.. not what
} tickles my fancy, but to each his own..) Maybe a calm serene landscape?
} How about some hard-core images of the Priests?!
}
} Come find it in our EXTENSIVE archive, where all images are repeated in
} all graphic formats, including GIF's, JPEG's, BMP's, PNG's, TIFF's,
} ICO's, PCX's, RAS's, among other similar bitmap-format graphics, and
} now introducing, Vector Graphic Formats made just for typesetting!
}
} Your file format problems are over! Visit us NOW! IT'S FREE*!!
}
} --
} *Void where prohibited by good taste. Usage fees apply where
}  applicable. Downloading files indicates acceptance of all terms,
}  even those not explicitly stated (hey, nothing in this world is
}  *completely* free..)
}
} You owe the Oracle your anonymous ftp password.


1061-09    (9oth3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have two questions about Oracle database.
> We user oracle -8
> 1) If I create a 100M datafile, I can not allocate 100M extent on it.
> What is the exact overhead in the datafile?
> Is there a formula to calculate overhead in the datafile?
>
> 2) I want to remove a datafile from tablespace.
> I did alter database datafile '/filename' offline drop;
> It says statement processed but does not drop the file from
> dba_data_files.
>
> How do I get rid of this file?
>
> Appreciate yr help

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, this one's too wierd for even the great Internet Oracle to believe.
}
} First, you are confusing the Internet Oracle with Oracle the Database
} company.  The mail you sent was to the wise and all knowing purveyor
} of knowledge, not the wise and all knowing storer of knowledge.
}
} Second, the human incarnation of the Internet Oracle that this message
} reached is in fact a soon-to-be employee of Oracle, proving once again
} the omnipotence of the Oracle software.  (Internet Oracle software,
} not.. oh never mind)
}
} Third, the question I sent out to get this one was about Oracle (the
} company), compounding the coincidence factor to roughly 4.5 x 10^45
}
} Fourth, you have to commit your changes to the database for the file
} change to be correct.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to resend your question to
} support@us.oracle.com


1061-10    (47muj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, who never follows a help-desk operator's advice to fix
> a computer that's running out of memory by pouring cough mixture into
> the floppy drive.
>
> Oracle, we've all heard of the BOFH (B**t*rd Operator from Hell), but
> what of the B**t*rd Oracle Priest from Hell? What's his or her daily
> routine like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 0800: Arrive at work.  Load enough applications to hide the email
}       window with a quick Alt-Tab when the boss is heard
}       approaching.
}
} 0820: Set the Oracle server to add "The Oracle's question queue is
}       getting rather full.  Help speed things up for everyone and do
}       askme's instead of tellme's" to every message.  Watch queue
}       drain until potential Incarnations are told that there are
}       no questions to ask, but still get the message that the queue
}       is full.
}
} 0930: Fill the queue with 100 null questions, 100 woodchuck
}       questions, 100 questions saying only "blah blah blah", and
}       500 specially crafted questions to which there is no funny
}       answer unless the Incarnation responds with a surreal
}       non-sequitur.
}
} 1000: Remove the full-queue message.
}
} 1100: Sort through the incoming answers and gather up all the lame
}       and unfunny ones.  Send them all to another Priest to wade
}       through.
}
} 1130: Look for an answer which, due to the use of a chemistry or
}       physics in-joke, will be appreciated by maybe four people.
}       Add it to the Digest.
}
} 1200: Break for lunch.
}
} 1330: Return from lunch.
}
} 1400: Find a really embarrassing question.  Append somebody's .sig
}       to it.
}
} 1405: Find another embarrassing question that's just been answered.
}       Use DejaNews to find the supplicant's most recent .sig file.
}       Add it on to their question so that they'll *think* they left
}       it on, and then send it to them.  Imagine them fervently
}       praying that it doesn't get Digested.  Laugh delightedly.
}
} 1430: Redirect all of the questions from HotMail to one Incarnation
}       chosen at random.
}
} 1500: Find a really well-written answer, full of classical
}       references and intellectual humor.  Reject it from the Digest.
}       Include the first answer found which involves the Spice Girls,
}       Bill Gates or Og.  Imagine the rejected Incarnation becoming
}       bitter when he reads the Digest.  Laugh delightedly.
}
} 1515: Reject all question/answer pairs from supplicants or
}       Incarnations who think they'll make the Digest if they
}       mention Priests.
}
} 1530: Coffee break.
}
} 1600: Randomly swap answers to questions.
}
} 1630: Hit Alt-Tab when boss is heard approaching.  Accept paycheck.
}       Gloat silently about how great it is to get paid for being
}       an Oracular Priest when no one's watching.
}
} 1645: Run across question from supplicant wanting to know schedule
}       of Bastard Priest from Hell.  Intercept question, write
}       truthful answer which will be dismissed by supplicant as
}       humor.  Relax, knowing it will never be Digested.
}
} 1700: Shut down computer, leave work.
}
} You owe the Bas^H^H^HOracle an Early Boss Warning System.


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