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Internet Oracularities #1062

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Internet Oracularities #1062    (89 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 14 Nov 1998 00:10:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1062
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1062  89 votes 7lxm6 agkvc avAa2 66Cqd 6ytaa 8isjg 9gslf bjllh 4hyq8 crqh7
1062  3.0 mean  3.0   3.2   2.6   3.4   2.8   3.2   3.2   3.2   3.2   2.8


1062-01    (7lxm6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderfully wise Oracle, who knows of all things great
> and small:
>
> I've been told that my cat brings the dead, beheaded carcasses of
> its prey to my doorstep as an offering and a sign of submission.
> I was wondering.... Would this technique work with my boss?  Do you
> think he would give me a raise if I left the decapitated body of one
> of my subordinates at his office door?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, does it work for your cat?
}
} You owe the Oracle someone to clean up the mess.


1062-02    (agkvc dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [theme music plays]
>
> Alex:  Welcome back to Jeopardy.  Let's meet our contestants.
>
> First, our reigning champion with a record of 192 weeks, the omniscient
> Internet Oracle!
>
> [applause and cheers; Oracle gives a dignified nod]
>
> Next, we have Juno Q. Drainer.  It says here, that you enjoy AOL,
> free email accounts, and generally annoying all those you come in
> contact with.  Is that correct?
>
> JQD:  YAH!  AOL RULZ DOOD!  [audience boos and hisses]  U PEEPEL
> SUCK!
>
> Alex:  Ok... and finally, we have Null Supplicant.  It seems that you
> and Mr. Drainer have a common interest in annoying people.  How did
> you come by this unusual hobby?
>
> NS:  >
>
> [audience is silent; crickets chirp in background]
>
> Alex:  Interesting... Let's begin shall we?  The categories are:  The
> Meaning of Life, Greek Definitions, Woodchucks, "RHOD" Island,
> Canadian Culture [audience laughs], The History of Belize, and
> finally, Famous Grovels.  Oracle, you have control of the board.
> Please select a category....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: I'll take Meaning of Life for $100.
}
} Alex: The Answer, of course, is 42.
}
} Oracle: The Ultimate Question cannot exist simultaneously in the same
}         universe as The Answer. If I respond, the entire Universe,
}         including everyone in this room, will be instantly replaced by
}         something even more bizarre and inexplicable...
}
} Alex: No, the correct response was "How many roads must a man walk
}       down?" Juno, you have control of the board.
}
} Juno: 1LL TAK3 W00DCHUCKS F0R $1,000,000,000,000, D00D!!!!!!!!!
}
} Alex: Sorry, the maximum on the board is $500.
}
} Juno: YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!
}
} Alex: For $500, we have the answer "50 cords."
}
} Juno: H0W MUCH W00D WO0LD A W00DCHUK CHUC 1F A W00DCHUC C0U1D CHUK
}       W00D?!?!?!???!?!?!?!!!!!!!
}
} Oracle: /\/\/\<<ZOT!!>>/\/\/\
}
} Alex: Oracle, no zotting of the other contestants is allowed! You are
}       now excluded from the rest of this round. Juno, you still have
}       control of the board.
}
} Juno: [Immediately recovers from the ZOT, like any _real_ queue
}        drainer] D00D, FAMUS GR0VEL$ F0R $500!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} Alex: This grovel is perhaps the most common among new supplicants of
}       the Oracle.
}
} Null Supplicant: >
}
} Alex: That wasn't phrased as a question, but we'll accept it. You now
}       have control of the bo-
}
}
} Wait! Wait! Wait a second! I see what you're doing. You're "fishing,"
} aren't you? You wanted an exchange just like the one above, didn't
} you? Well, you're just going to have to imagine the rest, because the
} Oracle is _not_ a fish.
}
} Would you like to guess what I do to people who treat me like a member
} of the class _Pisces_? Well, until recently, I simply threw them into
} the woodchuck pits. But as of today, there is a new punishment, a new
} _ULTIMATE_ punishment. No, I don't mean Hell. This will make spending
} eternity in pit of lava look like a walk in the park. And no, it's not
} the Spice Girls either. As hard as it is believe, this is even _worse_
} than listening to that godawful "music." You're going to have to listen
} to...
}
} [drum roll]
}
}                         MONICA LEWINKSY JOKES
}                         ---------------------
}
} Yes, it is the ULTIMATE form of torture. Far worse than anything known
} to man, it -- Wait, I'll stop sounding like a soundtrack from a bad
} horror movie, and just show you what happened to the last supplicant
} who received this treatment...
} -----
}
} [Scene: A large, nearly empty movie theater. In the front row there
}  sits a supplicant strapped into one of the seats, with his head
}  locked a position facing the screen. His eyelids are taped open, so
}  he has no choice but to watch the horror onscreen. (Picture that
}  scene from _A Clockwork Orange_, will you?)]
}
} [The picture and sound turn on. The supplicant does not yet know what
} is about to hit him. Onscreen, we see a stand-up comedian, in the middle
} of his routine.]
}
} "... say did you hear that a recent poll showed that only 58% of women
} like oral sex. You know, I have two words to say to the scientists who
} conducted this study: Monica Lewinsky."
}
} [The supplicant correctly fails to find any humor inherent in this
} statement, but so far is only slightly annoyed.]
}
} "Oh, and they also found a 70% Presidential approval rating among
} women. Are you surprised by that? I am, I mean, I thought he 'got
} around' more than that, didn't you?"
}
} [The supplicant begins to try to squirm in his seat, but he is firmly
} strapped down.]
}
} "Which reminds me, Monica Lewinsky finally got a good job. Kind of a
} reversal this time, wasn't it?"
}
} [The supplicant is starting to get frantic now. He begins making a faint
} moaning noise.]
}
} "I wonder what kind of job she got? Probably one for a vacuum cleaner
} company, if you know what I mean"
}
} SUPPLICANT: Aaaaaaaah! Let me outa here!
}
} "Oh, and did you notice that the President was a few minutes late to
}  that recent fundraising event. Must've been with an intern."
}
} SUPPLICANT: AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! PLEASE
}             MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE PLEASE I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!
}
} "Did you know cigar sales have doubled recently? In fact, there is a now
} a new brand on the market: The Monica Lewincigar"
}
} SUPPLICANT: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP!
}             HELP! HELP! NO! NO! NO! NO! I CAN'T TAKE IT! I CAN'T TAKE
}             IT! OH GOD PLEASE LEMMEOUTAHERE PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE
}             LEMMEOUTAHERE OH GOD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
}             AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
}
} [The Supplicant suddenly falls silent. The picture and sound turn
} off, and everyone else in the room removes their hearing
} protection. The straps are removed from the supplicant, but he
} makes no attempt to flee. Looking at him closely, it becomes clear
} that he undergone a spontaneous frontal lobotomy.]
} -----
}
} You know, on second thought, this is much too cruel a punishment for
} your crime. I'll use a kinder, gentler method of lobotomy. Such as
} a sharp spike.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vacant stare.


1062-03    (avAa2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most etemological,
>
> In some of the Oracularities I've noticed that you use the word HOI
> to summon Zadoc.  What exactly does that mean?  Is it an acronym?  If
> so, what does it stand for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Keen eye supplicant and you are correct HOI is an acronym for Hold
} Order of Ice since Zadoc would otherwise bring a large block ice
} with him. Zadoc's a bit strange that way, he travels with a large
} block of ice and a bag of popcorn. I don't mind the popcorn but
} the ice makes a mess of the place. But if I'm in a bad mood I'll
} do a *HOI* *HOP* Zadoc and just get the Zadoc without any side
} dishes.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of fresh popcorn since you got me
} thinking about food...


1062-04    (66Cqd dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh,greatandwiseOracle,whocandecodeanythingtheNSAcanthrowathim.Itseems
> somebodyisstealingmywhitespacecharacters.Canyoupleasehelp?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I' m   sorry.
} It   was actually me
}     t  h  a  t
}   was taking all of your whitespac            e
} c   h aracters.
}
} You see, I'm p r a c t i c i n g   on my free       verse
}                                                            poetry  ,
} and conse
} quently I
} need more
} white
}     space
} than I am allotted.
}
} so    I've taken       to stealing    it from my   supplica  n  t      s
}
}                  I  deeply, from the bottom of my omiscient
} heart,
}
} aplologize.
}
}
} you
} owe
} the
} ora
} cle
} not
} hin
} g--
} I've
} alre
} adyT
} aken
} From
} YouEv
} eryth
} ing I
} need.


1062-05    (6ytaa dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you know that if people were 100% graphite reinforced titanium
> steel, they'd be completely immune to gunfire, but they wouldn't be
> able to swim at all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, and if people were made out of bread and peanut butter, if you
} toasted them they'd make a nice snack!
}
} And if people were made out of lead, they'd sink when you dropped
} them in the water, and you could make bullets out of them!
}
} And if people were made out of electricity, they could travel over
} power lines, but it would be hard for them to pick anything up!
}
} And if people were made out of cat fur, then some people would be
} violently allergic to themselves, and everyone would shed all over
} the place!
}
} And if people were made out of silicone gel, they'd be kinda squishy!
}
} And if we had some pork, we could make pork 'n beans, if we had
} some beans.
}
} You owe the Oracle some pork 'n beans.


1062-06    (8isjg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who can save us now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nobody, you pathetic rebel scum. Nobody.
}
} My chandeliers are hung three feet from the ceiling. My air ducts are
} two inches square. My henchmen can shoot straight and wear open-face
} helmets.  My Doomsday Machine has no off switch, red digital timer
} or gimbal mounts to allow it to be aimed at me. I raised the Grorn
} Beast from a pup myself, and it would sooner die than attack me if
} released from its cage. I'd quite like to boink your girlfriend there,
} but I'm not dumb enough to try it. And every martini in the country
} is poisoned.
}
} Nothing can stop me now!
}
} Oh, bugger. I went and said "nothing can stop me now". That means
} any minute now some musclebound moron with a sword's going to-
}
} Ouch.


1062-07    (9gslf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most groovy Oracle, who is so far out that you're back where you
> started from,
>
> What is the derivation of "zoinks"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple.
}
} d
} -- (zoinks) = zoink
} ds
}
} You owe the Oracle a calculus textbook.


1062-08    (bjllh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me Will the Alliance and Labour put up taxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 04:07:43 EST
} From: zadoc@internet-oracle.org
} To: harold.sleestack@cockneyrebel.co.uk
} Subject: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to this
}        question.
}
} Dear Harry
}
} I just got forwarded the following question from an incarnation who is
} not well up on UK politics:
}
} > Tell me Will the Alliance and Labour put up taxes?
}
} As you have on occasions in the past been able to help our Supreme and
} Mindbogglingly Clever if at Times Somewhat Irascible Master out in
} European matters, perhaps you could supply the necessary information to
} form the basis of an answer?
}
} Thanks very much,
}
} Zadoc
} Oracular Priest and Worm
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 06:13:22 EST
} From: sydney.endochrine@cockneyrebel.co.uk
} To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org
} Subject: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to
}        this question.
}
} Mornin', yer worshipful 'oly, erm, wot the ding dong bell do they calls
} priests anyway? Blimey, wot time do they makes yer get up in the
} ah-emmer over there? Bleedin' liberty, if yer wants my lump of hice.
}
} 'Arry ain't 'ere ter 'elp yer at the mo. 'E was dahn the market first
} fing, movin' some dodgy videer games wot fell orff the back of a lorry.
} Fing is, Sunglarsses Jim wos a bit 'issed orff, bein' as it was 'is
} lorry an' all, so 'Arry's 'avin' a bit of an 'oliday on the National
} 'Ealth, inne?
}
} But I finks I can 'elp yer wiv yer querstion. That surpplicant of yers,
} 'e donno nuffink. It ain't "Alliernce an' Labour", it's "Alliernce an'
} Leicester", innit? An' they's a buildin' socierty, so they don't do
} taxes, they do mortgages, donney?
}
} Me, I'm wiv the Co-op, meself. 'Arry's wiv a fridge freezer name of
} Phil the Greek dahn the 'ousing hestate. Yer knows old 'Arry - never
} get nuffink dahn the 'Igh Street if yer can gets it dahn 'Ooky Street,
} that's 'Arry.
}
} 'T' (that stands fer 'Ope This 'Elps, dunnit?)
}
} Wotcher,
}
} Syd
}
} PS, any charnce of doggetsing a Lady Godiver orff yer?
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 06:28:17 EST
} From: zadoc@internet-oracle.org
} To: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk
} Subject: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer
}        to this question.
}
} Dave
}
} Help!
}
} I have to help an incarnation with a British culture answer before
} 08:57:58 EST. My UK contact has sent me the attached email, but I can't
} make head nor tail of it! Lumps of hice? Fridge freezers? What does it
} all mean? Please provide a English translation.
}
} "Doggetsing a Lady Godiver" isn't something obscene, is it?
}
} Miserably,
}
} Zadoc
} Oracular Priest and Worm
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 08:21:57 EST
} From: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk
} To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org
} Cc: oracle@internet-oracle.org
} Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an
}        answer to this question.
}
} Zadoc
}
} Can't help you, old son. As I recall, the Alliance and Leicester went
} public and floated on the stock market, so technically they're now a
} bank, not a building society. I think they also merged with the Halifax
} - or was it the Norwich? Anyway, banks aren't involved in taxation over
} here either. Are you sure you haven't garbled the original question?
}
} As for "doggetsing a Lady Godiver", Lady Godiva was famous for riding
} around in the nude, wasn't she? So it might well be obscene, and I'd
} advise you not to use it.
}
} Try Ross Clement. He lives in the capital - he might have a handle on
} this twisted argot.
}
} Dave Hemming
} Oracular Priest in Allyourclothes
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 08:21:59 EST
} From: oracle@internet-oracle.org
} To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org
} Subject: Re: Re: Fwd: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an
}        answer to this question.
}
} ZADOC, YOU BLITHERING MORON! THERE IS NO ALLIANCE PARTY IN UK POLITICS,
} SO IT'S NOT A BRITISH QUESTION, IS IT, YOU WRETCHED PISMIRE, PRODUCT OF
} AN ALMOST ENDLESS LINE OF WRETCHED PISMIRES? ANY MOLECULE BRAINED
} RETARD CAN SEE THAT!
}
} NOW GIVE THE INCARNATION AN ANSWER TO THE STUPID QUESTION BEFORE I COME
} OVER THERE, RAM THE STAFF OF ZOT <TM> UP YOUR BACKSIDE AND TWIZZLE IT
} AROUND VIGOROUSLY, DOING STRANGE AND INTERESTING THINGS TO YOUR
} INTERNAL ORGANS IN THE PROCESS!
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 08:25:03 EST
} From: zadoc@internet-oracle.org
} To: davis@wehi.edu.au
} Subject: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to this
}        question.
}
} Ian
}
} I recently got the following question from an incarnation who is not
} well up on Australian politics:
}
} > Tell me Will the Alliance and Labour put up taxes?
}
} Could you provide background information? Time is short, so please,
} please, please write in English.
}
} Panic-strickenly,
}
} Zadoc
} Oracular Priest and Worm
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} Date: Sat, 7 Nov 1998 10:12:46 EST
} From: DAVIS@wehi.edu.au
} To: zadoc@internet-oracle.org
} Subject: Re: Fwd: Answer #Qa22137, the Oracle requires an answer to
}        this question.
}
} Zadoc, ya old bastard! Strewf, the old ratbag givin' ya aggro again,
} izze? 'E's always throwin' wobblies at ya, ya know why? Ya're a couple
} of mystery bags short of a barbie, cobber, that's ya problem. Ya should
} get off them knees an' plant ya Doc Martens in 'is love spuds for a
} change! That should make 'im spit the dummy.
}
} As for ya question - what is this, Bush week? There's no "Alliance an'
} Labor" dahn 'ere in Godzone. Only silly party we got is that 'Anson
} sheila's One Nation mob. Bunch of Fascist wowsers - Jeez, they make me
} want ta chock a brown dog! But they're not for putting up taxes,
} they're for putting dahn Abos. Reckon somebody's bulldusting ya, ya raw
} prawn!
}
} Anyway, I gotta be off like a bride's nightie now. There's a slab
} waiting in the esky, an' my throat's drier than a dead dingo's donger.
}
} G'day, ya silly old drongo
}
} Darkmage
} Antipodean Oracular God Cove


1062-09    (4hyq8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who has more Theta waves that Mr. Van Winkle
> himself.
>
> At 2:30 pm EST I fall asleep at my desk.  Every day.  What can I do
> about this?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant,
}       The answer to your quandry is quite simple, really.  At exactly
} 2:29:30 PM EST (times may vary dependent on the supplicant's respective
} ability to perform the following tasks efficiently) each day please
} perform the following steps:
}
}  1}  Stand up.
}        1.A}  If already standing, skip to step 2.
}
}  2}  Move to your neighbor's desk.
}        2.A}  If working at home, move to the nearest table and skip
}              to step four (4).
}                2.A.i}  If you do not own a table, break into a
}                        neighbor's home and borrow theirs.
}                        (Don't forget to borrow a chair, as well.) **
}
}  3}  Remove your neighbor.
}        3.A}  If said neighbor does not move willingly, force may be
}              applied as necessary. **
}        3.B}  Where said neighbor is placed after removal is left
}              to supplicant's discretion.
}                3.B.i}  Oracle advises gentle placement of said
}                        neighbor for future, congenial interactions
}                        in the workplace.
}
}  4}  Sit at neighbor's desk.
}        4.A}  If working at home, sit at the table mentioned in
}              step two (2).
}
}  5}  Place head gently upon neighbor's desk.
}        5.A}  If working at home, place head gently on the table
}              mentioned in step two (2).
}        5.B}  A pillow or other comforting object may be used as
}              a mediating device.
}
} Solution:  At exactly 2:30:00 PM EST you will fall asleep.  At someone
} else's desk.  Problem solved.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Breathe-Easy(tm) strips to cure snoring,
} and a new mattress.
}
} ** The Oracle accepts no responsibility for any criminal charges filed
} in response to the performance of an Oracular emission.


1062-10    (crqh7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Supplicant Auto-Question Generator, v1.03 Beta
> Runtime Error #7347, Divide by Zero error in Void WoodChuck_Question()

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rodent orientated programs are always easy to fix. You just need to
} download the cabbage patch.
}
} You owe The Oracle a really reaaaaalllllyyyy big groan.


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