[IO]
Internet Oracle
18 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 4:34:34 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1063

Goto:
1063, 1063-01, 1063-02, 1063-03, 1063-04, 1063-05, 1063-06, 1063-07, 1063-08, 1063-09, 1063-10


Internet Oracularities #1063    (88 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 17 Nov 1998 10:19:33 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1063
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1063  88 votes 1aqzg mroa5 19rwj hwm98 2cqxf buqd8 8sD76 8jpv5 3bryd 6gnpi
1063  3.1 mean  3.6   2.4   3.7   2.5   3.5   2.7   2.7   3.1   3.5   3.4


1063-01    (1aqzg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, most informative and helpful of entities, whose
> patience is as enduring as a ketchup stain on a white
> cotton shirt, whose telephone manner puts all others to
> shame, who never has to put someone on hold while he refers
> to someone else, please deign to answer this quick question.
>
> What is the number for the human brain technical support
> line? I want to know how to use both sides of my brain (for
> problem-solving and suchlike), but can't find out how to do
> it.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll transfer you...
} (I got you babe...I got you babe...)
} "Hello, Human Brain Tech Support, Axon speaking."
} "Yes, I'd like to know how to use both sides of my brain."
} "What model brain do you have?"
} "What do you mean?"
} "What model brain do you have?"
} "I heard the question, I just don't know?"
} *Sigh* "Fine.  What is your serial number?"
} "Um, again..."
} "Do you know anything?  Look, when did you get your brain?"
} "You mean when was I born?"
} "Are you sure you have a brain at all?"
} "Fine.  1972."
} "So let's guess it's a model 1964A, and based on your inteligence, the
} 10MHz version."
} "So how do I make both sides work together?"
} "First, you'll have to detatch the medula oblongata and the cerebral
} cortex, then unplug the optic nerve."
} "I can't do any of that?"
} "Fine, then you'll have to take it in to an authorized Brain Care
} Specialist.  What's your address?"
} "255 Ring Buffer Circle, Arrayville CA."
} "The closest BCS is Dr. Frankenstein.  He's in Romania."
} "Romania!  Is this covered under warrenty?"
} "I'll have to check with my superior."
} (While your waiting, perhaps you would like to consider upgrading to
} our latest model brain, the 2000+ model.  Operating at 100MHz, it is
} the brain for the new millenium.  Tests show that 15% of users will be
} able to understand DOS, and increase of more than 200%.  It is also 63%
} more resistant to television, astrology, and internet oracles.)
} "It's only under warranty if you still have your receipt."
} "I could get a copy of my birth certificate."
} "Nope.  It has to be your receipt."
} "Listen; I don't have a receipt.  The brain came preinstalled in my
} body!" "Oh, why didn't you say so.  That means you have the 1964B
} model.  We don't provide tech support for that.  You'll have to contact
} you body's manufacturer for that."
} *click*


1063-02    (mroa5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Paul Kirkson (pkirkson@friboz.com)  http://www.friboz.com
> Executive Secretary, Residence Hall Association.
> University of the Midwest, CS '00

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Internet Oracle (oracle@cs.indiana.edu)
} http://www.wmin.ac.uk/~clemenr/ORACLE/search.html
}
} Resident deity, Omnipotent Beings Association
} Indiana University, Classics, 4004BC


1063-03    (19rwj dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and stupendous (not to mention wondrous and fantastic)
> Internet Oracle, please tell me, a lowly supplicant, who is not worthy
> to defrost the refrigerator of Lucifer, when WILL hell freeze over?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When Lucifer fails to pay his electric and gas bill of course.
}
} <RIIINNNNNGGGGG!!!>Hello, Local Service Gas Company here, how may I
} help you?
}
} My gas has been cut off.
}
} Could you please quote your customer service number?
}
} It's me, Lucifer, The Devil, Prince of Darkness, Shortstop on The
} Immortals softball team.
}
} I'm sorry, we can only access accounts by customer service number,
} could you please tell me your customer service number so that I can
} process your call.
}
} Oh, sure, it's 666-666-666666.
}
} Thank you, and you are T. Devil, of Hades?
}
} Yes.
}
} And what seems to be the problem?
}
} My gas has stopped working. It's freezing over down here.
}
} According to my records, you haven't paid your bill since 4004BC.
}
} Of course not, I am The Devil. Mortal men quake in fear at the mention
} of my name. I command, and you obey or face consequences too dire to
} think about.
}
} I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash. If you pay your bill we can arrange
} to have your gas reconnected within seven working days.
}
} Listen mortal, how would you like me to send another swarm of fire
} breathing demons dripping the foul smelling slime of unholy
} invertebrates from their mouths to your office.
}
} Yes please sir. We put the last batch to work as customer relations
} officers, and they show an aptitude for the job unparalleled among
} normal recruits.
}
} Oh, oh, allright then. How much do I owe?
}
} According to the computer, you now owe us your soul.
}
} Wait a second, *I* am the *DEVIL*. I don't sell *MY* soul, I buy the
} souls of mere mortals.
}
} Well you know how it is with faceless corporations taking over
} the traditional business niches of mom and pop operations.
}
} Oh allright then, could you please send the forms by mail, and I'll
} sign them.
}
} In blood, Mr Lucifer?
}
} Yes, ...., in blood. <CLICK>
}
} You owe The Oracle your soul. Well, if McDonalds can do it, so can I.


1063-04    (hwm98 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We promise you'll "phlip" over the WB network's newest hit show,
> "Phun with Phlegm"!  Next week, on a very special episode, you'll
> laugh and cry when young Phlegm's closest friend, Crusty, is picked
> on and taken away by the mysterious Mr. Finger!  How will poor
> Phlegm cope with his loss?  Find out on an all new "Phun with
> Phlegm"!  Tuesday night at 8/7 central, only on the WB!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The WB, the phreshman of TV networks, is merely a phad.  Phaithful
} TV viewers never watch the WB anyway, and hopephully the TV phairy
} will have entire network cancelled soon.  Phar phrom phrist place,
} WB's phlaky Phall lineup is a pharce, and the ratings are phake.
} Touted with much phanfare, the network was unpheasable phrom the
} start, an impossible pheat. Network executives should be arrested
} for phelonies phor phibbing. The WB is one giant phinancial phiasco.
}
} The WB's phatal mistake was the phoist phaulty movies upon viewers.
} Rather than phinesse philms like "Phirecracker," "Phorrest Gump,"
} "Barton Phink" or "Phargo," viewers were phorced to watch movies
} with Chris Pharley, Denniz Phranz and Mike Pharrell using a typical
} phatephul-phatigued-phathers-phind-phault phormula.
}
} If the WB could phind just *one* hit show, like "Phrazier," it could
} phind its way out of the phreakshow niche it now phills. Phinicky phans
} are not interested in phlawed, phragmented phiction without any phamous
} actors. Viewers have not phlocked to WB's phlood of pheatureless shows,
} which phluctuabe between phluff and phalacy, and the network is not
} phlexible enough to change this phoundation of pheces.
}
} The phormidible phorces of the PHCC, PHBI and PHDA will soon be
} phighting the WB in a Phairphield, VA courthouse, charging the WB
} with a phiendish plot to phool Americans.
}
} The WB will have to phocus on this new phoe, so you can phorget about
} the WB phorging ahead with phostering any new ideas, prephering to
} phorage phor phorthcoming phorgeries of phoreign shows.  The phuture
} looks phutile phor the WB.  I recommend giving them the phinger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Price Pfister pfaucet - one with the new pfilter.


1063-05    (2cqxf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of honor, glory and might not be on her all the time, please
> tell me.
>
> How can I get the Kirby vacuum salesman out of my living room?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not an easy question to answer. Kirby has well over 50 years
} of experience in door-to-door sales, and as a result, they've built
} an enormous collection of stock answers to potential questions and
} pre-programmed responses to potential situations. You can expect
} most of Kirby's sales force to have a very firm grasp of these stock
} answers and responses, so unfortunately you have to be pretty wily
} to maneuver around a Kirby salesman.
}
} The first tip you must remember is to remain courteous at all times.
} At no time should you ever show anger or hostility: the first lesson
} Kirby teaches its salesmen is how to make people feel ashamed for
} blowing up and losing their temper. This consistently leads to a sale
} for them, so remember: you blow your top, consider yourself sold.
}
} Unless spoken to, don't ask questions or make comments about the
} product.  Ever. Remain silent throughout the demo. As mentioned before,
} the Kirby rep has stock responses, even to these witty zingers:
}
} "Your product sucks!"  "As a matter of fact, it does. And it sucks
} like no store-bought vacuum could ever hope to suck!"
}
} "Your product blows!"  "Why yes, indeed, it does! With this handy
} attachment, this unit converts to a combination blower/leaf mulcher..."
}
} "Your product is a piece of crap!"  "Well, with Kirby's 100% money-back
} guarantee, if you're ever dissatisfied with this piece of crap,
} 'flush it!'"
}
} Get my drift? Keep the trap shut. Don't give him any ammo.
}
} During the demo, every time he pulls out and shows you a new
} attachment, do your best to roll your eyes back and make a nice
} seductive "mmmmm." Nothing overtly sexual...make it more like a low,
} satisfied grunt, something you would let out after eating a bite
} of Haagen-Dazs.
}
} A common sales tactic Kirby reps use is to verbally involve you in
} the demo by asking *you* questions. For example, he/she will show
} you the shampoo wand attachment, describe its many wonders, then
} say "If you had that, you'd use it, wouldn't you?" For any yes/no
} question you encounter, respond thusly: raise your RIGHT eyebrow,
} purse your lips together tightly, give a dramatic pause, and in your
} coldest, deepest voice, say "perhaps." If you play your cards right,
} this should be the only word you speak during the entire demo.
}
} Now, here's the end game, so pay attention. When it's all over with,
} the Kirby representative should ask you if you have any more questions
} about the product. At this time, the sales guy should be sitting on
} the floor.  Get down on the floor and scoot as close to the salesman as
} you can.  Stare him straight in the eye and ask the following question,
} punctuating the last two words with eyebrow movements:
}
} "Do you mind if I test the unit out...in bed?"
}
} This is the only known question that still consistantly throws Kirby
} salesmen to date. Most are taught early in their careers to revere the
} Kirby vacuum cleaner as if it were a member of his/her own family.
} Even the mere suggestion of somehow raping or defiling their demo
} unit in a sexual manner is enough to make a salesman pack up and walk
} out in disgust. A select few might simply become very uncomfortable
} and try to change the topic to how well the Kirby handles dust mites
} in mattresses. Others (clueless ones) might simply not understand
} what you're suggesting. No matter what they say, keep repeating the
} question until they pack up and leave.
}
} However, don't let them leave. Remind the person that he's agreed to
} shampoo your carpet in exchange for the demo.
}
} You owe the Oracle a slurpee attachment for my Kirby G5.


1063-06    (buqd8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 0G V|RU$ H3R3.
> 0G |NF3C+ C4V3!  $CRUb P4|NT|Ng 0FF!
> 0G $4Y, C4V3 P4|NT|NG W4N+ B FR33.
> H4 H4 H4!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 3RR0R |N M0DUL3 "FR33 $P33CH"
} 4C+1V4+|NG +URP3N+|Ne
} $C4NN|NG F0r $|GN|F|C4N+ 4R+W0Rk
} D3L3T|NG
} 4C+|V4+|NG PR0GR4m "0G:$0L"
} N0 C4RR|3R
}
} You Owe the Oracle a handbook of Og-speak translations.


1063-07    (8sD76 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who could build a working version of Babbage's
> Analytical Engine from Lego, what kind of Input/Output devices would
> such a machine use?  Punched card seem a bit dodgy, due to the size of
> the holes that would be required.  And any kind of display would need
> to be purely mechanical.  Could the Analytical Engine run Windows 98?
> (Not that I want to do that; I'm just curious.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,  debased and silly yet admirably earnest,
}
} Punched cards ARE a bit dodgy for Leggos, that was quite astute of you.
} Nonetheless when I planted the knowledge of punched card technology
} in mortal's minds it was nearly beyond their capacity to receive.
} But I am reminiscining.
}
} The best I/O device is Plah-doh.  Play-doh retains any information
} pressed into it, including of course the binary information enabled
} by Lego shapes.  Two-dimensional information can be recorded too:
} Try this with Peanuts or even Apartment 3-G in the Sunday Comics and
} you will be amazed.
}
} Any kind of Lego data will be reverse-recorded by this method.
} For 3-d info, freeze the Play-doh; the algorithm that will read the
} stored data is, simply enough, another, warm piece of Play-doh  (warm
} the Play-doh to increase its pliability by rubbing it in your hands).
}
} You really DO want to run the Analytical Engine on WIndows 98, but you
} have not become completely conscious of this yet.  Repent.  The system
} can run on WIndows for the Abacus, but this is not recommended without
} an illegal amount of even prescription tranquilizers on hand.
}
} What the system lacks in speed and storage capacity it more than
} makes up for in reliability.
}
} On the other hand, for the Oracle, a thousand years is like one day,
} and one day is like a thousand years.
}
} Grovel on


1063-08    (8jpv5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
>
> why? Oh God, why? WHY? WHY? WHY LucFrench? WHY?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because it'll work, George, trust me! Look, I'll show you. Okay, you
} guys, on four. Three, two, one... and action!
}
} "The Emperor <wheeze> has been expecting you."
}
} "Ah kneuw, fazzeur."
}
} "So <wheeze> you have accepted the truth."
}
} "Ah eve ahccepteud zat yew war wunce Annakeen Skay-walkeur, mah
} fazzeur."
}
} "<wheeze> That name <wheeze> no longer has any meaning for me."
}
} "Eet ees ze name uf yeur true self, yew eve eunlee forgotteun. Ah kneuw
} zere ees gewd een yew, fazzeur. Zat ees whay yew cewld neut destreuy
} me. Zat ees whay yew weell neut breeng me tew yeur Ahmpereur neuw."
}
} > Cut! CUT! CUUUT!!! I've seen enough!
}
} You mean you don't like it?
}
} > No, I don't like it one little bit! I don't care if it does appeal to
} > the Europeans, I'm not starring Gerard Depardieu as Luke Skywalker.
} > Get him on the next flight back to France. And as for you, Orrie, I
} > fart in your general direction!


1063-09    (3bryd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, You who have never been a newbie.
>
> It's my first tellme. You're probably lifting your <ZOT> right now, but
> wait a sec. I'm not going to ask the W question. I even remembered to
> grovel. I've lurked for a while and read a number that Og might have
> called "Many Many" digests. I've seen what good questions look like and
> what good answers look like. The thing is, as much as I enjoy reading
> the digests, I'll never see the questions and answers that don't make
> it to the digest. I've seen supplicants and incarnations mock them
> humouristically, I've seen bad questions that got hilarious answers,
> but I feel I'm missing a world of undigested Oracularities.
>
> So, what do undigested Oracularities really look like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, if you want a look at the kind of crappy answers most questions
} receive, just resubmit your question about 10 times or so. By that
} point you'll see why, like many people, this incarnation would
} not become a priest even if offered a bribe large enough to impress
} most congressional Republicans. But I'll save you the bother, and
} just power up the time machine and show you all the responses you will
} receive, er, I mean would have received, er, woulden-haved mayen
} receiven-withedly...oh screw it, you can figure out the time-travel
} grammar yourself.
}
} In any case, here are the answers...
}
} <<!!TOZ>> }
} .TOZ ehT .01# rewsnA
}
} Oops, I set the time-directional control wrong. Let me try again....
}
} Answer #1. Juno madness.
} } ive already seen this one
} }
} } _____________________________________________________________________
} } You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
} } Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com
} } Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]
}
} Answer #2. Good, Juno went away, but now we have someone who didn't
}            read the help file.
} } On Sun, 15 Nov 1998, The Internet Oracle wrote:
} } > !!! The Oracle's question queue is getting rather full.  Help speed
} } > !!! things up for everyone and do askme's instead of tellme's.
} } >
} } > The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} } >
} } > > Oh wise Oracle, You who have never been a newbie.
} } > >
} } > > It's my first tellme. You're probably lifting your <ZOT> right
} } > now, but
} } > > wait a sec. I'm not going to ask the W question. I even
} } > > remembered
} } > to
} } > > grovel. I've lurked for a while and read a number that Og might
} } > have called
} } > > "Many Many" digests. I've seen what good questions look like and
} } > what good
} } > > answers look like. The thing is, as much as I enjoy reading the
} } > digests,
} } > > I'll never see the questions and answers that don't make it to
} } > > the
} } > digest.
} } > > I've seen supplicants and incarnations mock them humouristically,
} } > I've seen
} } > > bad questions that got hilarious answers, but I feel I'm missing
} } > > a
} } > world of
} } > > undigested Oracularities.
} } > >
} } > > So, what do undigested Oracularities really look like?
} } > >
} } >
} } The digests have people who spell "humoursly" right in them. Never
} } bother The Oracle agian!
}
} Answer #3. This one didn't read the help file, either.
} } I dont know.
} }
} } --
} } Anne Thrax
} } anne4325@aol.com
} } http://users.aol.com/anne4325/
}
} Answer #4. This one may have read it, but doesn't have the faintest
}            idea what the word "obscure" means.
} } You need to ask the blue duck from level 12, he can tell you if you
} } wave the flag at the man
}
} Answer #5. This incarnation has a poor understanding of the English
}            language, but thinks everyone can understand them perfectly.
}            This very well may be a funny response, if only you can
}            figure out what the hell it means...
} } Perhaps Undigestated Ocularities look, the backdrive for posts in
} } Summer. they have the good Image and, as Want no humorly!
}
} Answer #6. This one has read the digests, and thinks they have to work
}            *every* damn in-joke into their response.
} } HOI, ZADOC!
} }
} } ZADOC: Og, can you help me?
} }
} } Og: Og here. Og ask for Bill Gates.
} }
} } Bill Gates: You will be assimilated. Lisa, can you help?
} } ...
}
} Answer #7. This incarnation goes into a long, drawn-out, boring list
}            of bad ways to answer.
} } Well, if you want a look at the kind of crappy answers most questions
} } receive, just resubmit your question about 10 times or so. By that
} } point you'll see why, like many people, this incarnation would
} /bin/universe received signal 42 (paradox fault), aborting connection.
} paradox fault (core dumped)
} NO CARRIER


1063-10    (6gnpi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> >VERSION
> Internet Oracle
> An Interactive Queue
> Version 3/Serial Number 110898
> >GROVEL
> Done.
> >LOOK
> Queue
> This is where the queue is kept.
>
> You see here a question, an in-joke, an obscure reference, the queue,
> and an Og.
> >XYZZY
> Obscure reference: Taken
> >INVENTORY
> You have:
> An Infocom
> Several posts to rec.humor.oracle.d
> An obscure reference.
> >LOOK AT OG
> Here's here to guard the queue from the evil Juno Queue Drainer.
> >OG, HELLO
> Og grunts.
> >KISS OG
> Og grunts.
> >HIT OG
> That would be suicidal.
> >LOOK
> Queue
> This is where the queue is kept.
>
> You see here a question, an in-joke, the queue, and an Og.
> >X QUESTION
> It's just another question. The supplicant wants to know where
> he can find some "WAR3Z".
> >ZOT SUPPLICANT
> Done.
> A question appears from the queue.
> >X QUESTION
> Somebody asking about a X-Files/Zork/Highlander crossover.
> >X QUEUE
> It's filled to bursting.
> >DRAIN QUEUE
> That would be suicidal, since Og is guarding it.
> >_

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >X QUESTION
} i do not see that here.
} >FIND QUESTION
} You look all around, but the question is nowhere to be found.
} >ZOT SUPPLICANT
} Unfortunately, you cant quite figure out who supplicant is and where he
} might be.
} >OG, KILL SUPPLICANT
} Og sniffs around the room and drags supplicant from a corner.
} >OG, KILL SUPPLICANT
} Og steadfastly refuses.
} >INV
} You have a staff of Zot, , an empty answer, a large can of Zot, a
} dinner roll, and a nonsensical question.
} >LOOK
} Queue
} This is where the queue is kept
}
} You see here a question, an in-joke, an obscure reference, the queue,
}  and an Og.
} >LOOK QUESTION
} II do not see that here.
} >X QUESTION
} I do not see that here.
} >DAMN
} Dont make me wash out your mouth.
} >GET ALL
} You pick up an in-joke and an obscure reference.
} That would be suicidal.
} >SMILE OG
} Og grunts.
} >X IN-JOKE
} It is really exclusive, and is funny to about 4 people.
} >X OBSCURE
} It makes a reference to some archaic and obscure work or a bit of
} computer programming that only the people who understood the in-joke
} would get.
} >OG, WHAT TO DO?
} Og scratches his rear.
} >SCRATCH REAR
} Feels nice, doesn't it?
} >PUT IN-JOKE IN ANSWER
} With a flash of Oracular magic, the answer now contains an in-joke.
} >PUT OBSCURE IN ANSWER
} With a flash of Oracular magic, the answer now contains an obscure
} reference.
} >LOOK ANSWER
} It contains an in-joke and an obscure reference.
} >USE ANSWER QUESTION
} Much like matter touching antimatter, the two meet and vanish in a puff
} of logic.
} Something is written in the golden book next to you.
} >X GOLDEN BOOK
} It is Gold, and has "Digest" embossed on the cover.
}
} You owe the Oracle new copies of Lurking Horror, Bureaucracy, Nord and
} Bert Couldnt Make Head or Tail of It, and a new parser.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org