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Internet Oracularities #1064

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1064, 1064-01, 1064-02, 1064-03, 1064-04, 1064-05, 1064-06, 1064-07, 1064-08, 1064-09, 1064-10


Internet Oracularities #1064    (97 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 23 Nov 1998 09:34:47 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   1064
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1064  97 votes 4klyi 5sEm2 bhBo8 euzb7 6GDa0 qzmb3 8nzq5 9Doj6 gswk1 5fEu7
1064  2.8 mean  3.4   2.9   3.0   2.7   2.5   2.3   3.0   2.7   2.6   3.2


1064-01    (4klyi dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise and with the sexy legs yet,
>
> Is it worse in Your eyes to send out a null tellme or a fully
> filled-out askme?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To tell you the truth, Supplicant, I don't give a damn either way.
} It's all just ones and zeroes, that's what I say.  You know what really
} bugs me, though?  People who put their knife back in the butter without
} wiping it off first so that the butter gets crumbs of toast in it.
} Drives me nuts.  Oh, and people who wait until they've stopped at a
} stop light to put on their left turn signal, so that you're trapped
} there behind them pounding the steering wheel.  And those idiots
} who drive 10 miles below the speed limit, then coast through the
} yellow light so that *you* have to stop.  I could strangle them.
} And don't get me started about the people who bring a whole cart
} full of food into the express line at the grocery store and then
} when you glare at them they give you this sort of sheepish smile as
} if that somehow made it all right.  I hope their chicken breasts
} are swarming with salmonella.  And then there are the people who
} spend their entire Monday morning talking about professional football
} outside your office door.  I mean, who gives a damn about the Colts?
} Get a life! I think they're the same people who spend the rest of the
} week talking about their health problems outside your office door.
} Do I need to hear about other people's digestive systems?  Or other
} people's grandchildren? I'd like to send the lot of them off to work
} in a shoe factory.  At least it would stop them from screaming on
} airplanes and bouncing sugar packets off your head in restaurants.
} I don't know which is worse, the children or the parents.  And it's
} even worse when they're teenagers!  Why don't they pull up their pants?
} Criminy!  But you know what I hate the most, Supplicant?  People who
} complain, people who let trivialities keep them from seeing how great
} it is to be alive.  I can't stand a whiner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a perfect world.


1064-02    (5sEm2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> All knowing Oracle, who never uses mazes, opens the egg by himself,
> outwits the thief, and boldly went before there ever were any men
> to go there before:
>
> What would a crossover between Zork and Star Trek be like?  Could Worf
> take a grue?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll show you... come supplicant, let's cross the railway
} tracks... of reality.
}
} <ZAP>
}
} (Bart Simpson is sitting on the couch, laughing
} uncontrollably at the Television. Beavis is sitting beside
} him, telling Bart "Don't have a cow man!")
}
} Um... wrong tracks...
}
} <ZAP!>
}
} You are floating in a cloaked Romulan escape pod, watching
} the space around you.  Hundreds of thousands of Christmas
} Tree shaped ships march on your west, towards the planet
} Zen.  The Christmas Tree's are blocking the path to the west.
} Exits are North, South, East, Up and Down.
} > inv
}  You are wearing a red Uniform with an ensign's emblem, and
}    seem out of place... like you don't fit into the picture.
}  You are armed with a phaser, set to kill.
}  You are carrying nothing.
} * The Christmas Tree's begin singing, "We wish you a Hairy
} Christmas" *
} > w
}   The Christmas Tree's block your path.
} > n
}
} You slowly move forwards towards the planet.  It seems to be
} a red coloured, with puffy white clouds.
} Exits are Up and Down.
} > l d
}   You see a landing pod below you.
} > d
}
} You land on the pod.
} Exits are Up.
} > O Door
} > exits
} Exits are Up and West
} > w
}
} You find yourself standing outside, in a jungle of red plants
} and leaves.  You listen carefully, and hear a humming off in
} the distance.
} Exits are West, East and North.
} > w
}
} You find yourself standing outside, in a jungle of red plants
} and leaves.  You listen carefully, and hear a humming.  The
} humming seems closer.
} Exits are West and East.
} > w
}
} You are now in a clearing, a river is in the distance to the
} north.
} Exits are East and North.
} > n
}
} You are standing at the edge of a dam.
} Exits are South, East, and North.
} > l dam
} You are looking at Flood Gate #9, the pride of Zork!
} > n
}
} You are inside the Flood Gate #9, a man is standing here,
} sweating profusely, attempting to increase the flow of water.
} Exits are South.
} > l man
}   Scotty looks old.
}   "I dunno hav time for you to bea starr'n at me"
} > talk scotty
}   "I dunno think she can be taking anym're of this!"
} > kill scotty
} I don't think that is a good idea.
} > s
}
} You are standing at the edge of a dam.
} Exits are South, East, and North.
} > e
}
} You are standing beside a river.
} Exits are East and West.
}  ** You hear rustling and growling to the east **
} (Your phaser begins to glow brightly).
} > East
}
} **************************************************
} **  Just as you enter the area Worf fires his   **
} **  Staff of Zot.  The light itself instantly   **
} **  melts the hair on the top of your head.     **
} **  The Grue that Worf was attacking suddenly   **
} **  turns to you.  Before you can draw your     **
} **  phaser, the Grue bites off your arm.        **
} **  Stunned from the shock, you fall down       **
} **  helpless.  The Grue then turns to Worf and  **
} **  decapitates him with a single chomp!  The   **
} **  Grue then slowly moves towards you, just as **
} **  you pass out.                               **
} **************************************************
}
} Sorry Ensign Supplicant, you have died.
}
} Restart, Quit, Reload, or Payment?
} > Restart
} I'm sorry, you can't restart in this version until you register
} it, please make payment.
} > Payment
}
} You owe the Oracle the entire Zork Series on CD-ROM, a pet Grue,
} and Scotty's tool kit.


1064-03    (bhBo8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie is great, he has a great pate, he denigrates fate, he's
> faithfully late, he's lately had dates. Hail Orrie!
>
> What's the difference between a mouse and a rat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About three bites.
}
} You owe the Oracle a napkin.


1064-04    (euzb7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most introspective,
>
> I found this code in the Oracularities.  What does it mean?
>
> 2jgkc 46ghq 24xo6 Am074 cikd6 4iiib 17lqe 28tl9 6ajmc 9hjea

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is commands for the 'oi' (oracular infernal) editor that all my
} priests have to use when composing the oracularities.
}
} Seems like one of the priests mixed up command- and input-mode.
} Quite common mistake.
}
} Let's see what the commands would have done:
} 2j    Move 2 lines down.
} g     Grovel.
} k     Move one line up.
} 'c '  Replace current character and switch to input mode.
} (Assuming you hit ESC, or else you would just type the rest of the
} characters.)
} 46g   Grovel 46 times.
} h     Move one char back.
} q     Insert a quote from the Oracle.
} ' '   Move one char forward.
} 24x   Delete 24 chars
} o     Open a new line below cursor, switch to input mode.
} (Again, I assume you hit ESC.)
} '6 '  6 chars forward.
} A     Append at end of line
} (ESC)
} m0    That was supposed to be 'm<any lowercase letter>, Unfortunatly
}       oi handles unknown commands by beeping until the person sitting
}       next to you gets mad, and smashes your computer.
}       Moan, and start over again.
} '74 ' Move 74 chars forward
} ci    That was supposed to be cj or ck.  See m0.
}       Complain, and start over again.
} k     Move one line up.
} 'd6 ' Delete 6 chars.
} 4i    Switch to input mode 4 times, what ever the point of that
}       might be
} (Do I need to repeat that ESC thing again)
} i     Input mode again.  This is getting boring.
} (You know what to do.)
} b     Move one word backwards.
} ' '   Move one char forward.
} 17l   Move 17 chars forward.
} q     Grovel again.
} e     Move one word forward.
} ' '   Move one char forward.
} 28tl  Scan the remainder of the line for the letter 'l' 28 times.
} '9 '  Move 9 chars forward.
} 6a    Switch to append mode 6 times.  (See 4i)
} (ESC again!)
} j     Move one line down.
} mc    Mark the current position of the cursor.  (At least you learnt
}       something from the m0 incident.)
} ' '   Do I have to explain that again?
} 9h    9 chars backwards.
} j     One line down
} e     One word forward.
} a     Switch to append mode.
}
} Easy, isn't it?  I can't understand why the priests can't handle it.
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the code would do in 'The
} Editor Chosen by the Oracle', and that you write an answer good enough
}       Complain, and start over again.
} k     Move one line up.
} 'd6 ' Delete 6 chars.
} 4i    Switch to input mode 4 times, what ever the point of that
}       might be
} (Do I need to repeat that ESC thing again)
} i     Input mode again.  This is getting boring.
} (You know what to do.)
} b     Move one word backwards.
} ' '   Move one char forward.
} 17l   Move 17 chars forward.
} q     Grovel again.
} e     Move one word forward.
} ' '   Move one char forward.
} 28tl  Scan the remainder of the line for the letter 'l' 28 times.
} '9 '  Move 9 chars forward.
} 6a    Switch to append mode 6 times.  (See 4i)
} (ESC again!)
} j     Move one line down.
} mc    Mark the current position of the cursor.  (At least you learnt
}       something from the m0 incident.)
} ' '   Do I have to explain that again?
} 9h    9 chars backwards.
} j     One line down
} e     One word forward.
} a     Switch to append mode.
}
} Easy, isn't it?  I can't understand why the priests can't handle it.
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the code would do in 'The
} Editor Chosen by the Oracle', and that you write an answer good enough
} to be digested.  That should explain a few things.


1064-05    (6GDa0 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle who can at once be the bastion of all things British
> and yet simultaneously be hip to the latest American scene:
>
> I've noticed recently a lot of the Digested oracularities contain
> dialogues or monologues of characters with pronounced cockney accents.
> Why is this? For the humour value inherent in the odd speech mannerisms
> combined with working class habits, or some darker reason buried deep
> in the minds of the oracular priests?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, shucks, stranger.  What'cha going around asking me about that
} now?  Well, I'm guessun nearly everybody knows about it by now, so
} no harm in tellin' the likes of you.  Don'tcha know that them Cockney
} folks has been sendin' their little-missies-in-short-skirts up to the
} Priesthoods' rooms at night?  I bet you can guess what's goin' on up
} there, can't ya?  So of course you've been seeun more cockney accents.
} That's just to be expected, Pilgrim.
}
} Oh, and one more thing.  You owe that big Oracle Fellow a collection
} of Western Films for that VCR of his.


1064-06    (qzmb3 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nausea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Exit.
}
} And on your way out, drop the head of Sartre in the payment box.


1064-07    (8nzq5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gidday Orrie, you old bastard.  So here I wuz wonderin' wot Ross wuz
> all wrapped about buggerin' them Kiwi jumbucks.  How's a fella ta
> try a thing like that without the ankle-biters catchin' 'im wi' 'is
> apricots hangin' free.  Wouldn't want the old bag ta find out would
> ya!  Cause all sort of yacking and set the blue heelers on ya tail.
> Be worth a bickie ta know how ta pull it off, mate.  Oy!  Who cut the
> dog in half?
>
> Ian

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sadly, dear supplicant, you have had the misfortune to be directed to
} an incarnation who is both an Australian and a New Zealander, and hence
} can see through your pathetic attempt to impersonate a certain
} antipodean priest.  And you were doind _so_ well too, until you got to
} that last line:
}
} > Oy!  Who cut the dog in half?
}
} If you were _really_ Ian Davis, you would have spelt it "Oi!"
}
} However, supplicant, I can understand your reluctance to give your real
} identity instead of hiding behind such a transparent ruse, given the
} subject matter in question.  After all sodomising a sheep, is, as you
} point out so rightly, something which would cause a degree of gossip
} and set the local constabulary after you.
}
} However, your instincts are right.  If you want to pursue this course,
} you will need to go incognito - blend in with the locals.  To do this
} successfully, you will need:
}
} 1 Akubra hat - complete with corks
} 1 Drizabone raincoat
} 1 pair of Speedo cossies
} 1 pair Stubbies shorts
} 1 Slab of Fosters
} 1 Vegemite sandwich
} 1 Victa lawn mower
} 1 Hills Hoist rotary clothesline
} 1 Knife you'd be prepared to call a knife
} An assortment of DIDDLY SNIKES and SPIDAHS
}
} So outfitted, you will blend in completely with the local populace and
} you will become effectively incognito - invisible in the crowd, as it
} were.  Then you can perform whatever perverted acts you desire, without
} the shame and humiliation of discovery.
}
} Of course, you _will_ have to deal with the shame and humiliation of
} people thinking that you are an Australian...
}
} You owe the Oracle a 10 gallon hat, cowboy boots and a belt buckle the
} size of Texas.  Yeehaw!


1064-08    (9Doj6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, more luminous than all the colours in the visible
> spectrum...
>
> Rain is moving, so why is a rainbow still?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, someone has to stay behind and mind the bags.
}
} You owe The Oracle a pot of gold.


1064-09    (gswk1 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and cool Oracle, who cares not at all for Woodchucks...
>
> How much ground could a Groundhog hog, if a Groundhog could hog ground?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ORACLE: So, Woodchuck Pretender, we meet again.
}
} WOODCHUCK PRETENDER: Curses!  I had hoped I would fool you with my
} Anti-Woodchuck Grovel Generator!
}
} ORACLE: Please, I'm omniscent.  I knew that you'd do that.  I knew
} *why* you did it.  I knew what you had for breakfast four years ago.  I
} even knew why you have that blue dress in your hand.
}
} WP: Drat!  You've dispatched my ally, Monica Lewinsky Question Man, as
} well!
}
} ORACLE: Yes, and now meet the instruments of your downfall!  The
} ORACULARITY INCARNATE!
}
} WP: Oh, no!  Not those powerful Incarnations whose anwsers have been
} consistently chosen for placement in the Oracularities!
}
} ORACLE: Stop expositing.  But you're right!  It's STYLE SATIRIZING MAN!
} OBJECTIVE HUMOR LAD!  GOOD-AWNSER-TO-A-NULL-QUESTION
} PERSON-WITH-A-LONG-AND-VERY-HYPHENATED-NAME!  And KID SCRIPT-FORMAT!
} Incarnate, GO!
}
} You owe the Oracle the Crisis On Infinite Mailservers Trade Etherback.


1064-10    (5fEu7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most lighter than air Oracle, thou who has no trouble flying a
> balloon around the known universe in 80 days.
>
> Oracle, Richard Branson has yet another new balloon, and is taking
> a spare with him this time. What disasters will befall him this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top ten (base 11) disasters that will befall Richard Branson's next
} around-the-world balloon attempt:
}
} 10. Branson, Missouri, city council refuses to release Dolly Parton
}     from her CountryFest contract so that she can join the balloon's
}     crew.
}
} A.  Toto jumps out just before launch.
}
} 9.  Resignation of Newt Gingrich results in worldwide hot air shortage.
}
} 8.  Branson belatedly discovers he is afraid of heights.
}
} 7.  Balloon is hijacked by rogue seagulls from "James and the Giant
}     Peach."
}
} 6.  Balloon flies too close to the sun and all the feathers fall out.
}
} 5.  Balloon is rammed by unidentified flying object.  Branson can
}     describe only "some old geezer with a white beard and a red hat."
}
} 4.  Windows NT navigational system can't deal with International Date
}     Line, leaves balloon adrift over Pacific until Daylight Savings
}     Time arrives.
}
} 3.  Branson takes wrong turn over Yemen, ends up in Iraqi no-fly zone.
}
} 2.  Branson has a hallucination of a flying dragon.  Moments later,
}     balloon is pierced by a black arrow.
}
} 1.  The spare balloon is flat, too.
}
} You owe the Oracle an upgrade to First Class.


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