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Internet Oracularities #1065

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Internet Oracularities #1065    (82 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1998 15:51:44 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1065
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1065  82 votes 2hsnc 34tvf 7lsh9 7eood 8fgqh kyj54 7blwb kxk72 bBq71 7kria
1065  3.0 mean  3.3   3.6   3.0   3.3   3.4   2.3   3.4   2.2   2.4   3.0


1065-01    (2hsnc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, thou who is so great that the very sounds of The Oracle
> mumbling in thy sleep would shoot straight to No 1 and stay there for
> years, should they ever be released on a CD.
>
> Oracle, My sister just emailed me to say that on the day that she
> was born "A Hard Day's Night" was No. 1. Apparantly, on the day
> that I was born, "Blue Hawaii" by Elvis Presley was No. 1. I was
> wondering, is there any sort of astrological-type relationship between
> the song/artist that was No. 1. when you were born, and your
> personality luck, etc? Can this be used to predict the future? Could we
> have Poptrology columns in the newspaper, labelled "Elvis", "The
> Beatles", "Cilla Black", "Beach Boys", giving people's fortunes for the
> next week/month? What would they look like, and would this be a more
> accurate way of predicting the future than astrology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How astute of you, supplicant.  There is indeed a relationship between
} the artist who was number one the day you were born and you.  Allow me
} to illustrate with some sample fortunes.
}
} Artist                            Advice
}
} Harry Belafonte                   The cravings to buy a Corvette will
}                                   pass.  Just remember, you're not
}                                   getting older, your getting better.
}                                   Just try to cut back on the fatty
}                                   foods, or your heart will explode.
}
} The Eagles                        It's time to think about moving out.
}                                   you've mooched off your parents about
}                                   as long as you can, and it's time to
}                                   go get a real job.  If you call your
}                                   one year of college as an undecided
}                                   major "college experience" you can
}                                   probably find a cushy office job.
}
} Miami Sound Machine               While your significant other probably
}                                   does feel strongly about you, they
}                                   will not in fact explode if they
}                                   don't get "it".  Your parents will
}                                   not believe you when you tell them
}                                   your new K-mart sneakers were stolen
}                                   "because they're such a great deal"
}                                   so you'll just have to ask for the
}                                   new Calvin Whatoozits for Christmas.
}
} Spice Girls                       Guess what, kids.  Barney is a demon
}                                   of indescribable evil from the ninth
}                                   hell, and teletubbies are his
}                                   minions. put down the video game, and
}                                   go play in the real world for a
}                                   while.  Trust me, you may hate it
}                                   now, but when the army of zombie
}                                   toddlers is defeated by Mr. Rogers,
}                                   you'll thank me.
}
} Johann Pachelbel's Canon in D     The sun will rise early this morning,
}                                   so be sure to stay indoors.  A lot of
}                                   the kids have been watching James
}                                   Woods kicking ass, so they're a
}                                   little overconfident.  Look out for
}                                   Sport Utility vehicles with winches,
}                                   but otherwise it will be a dull
}                                   century.
}
} And so on.
}
} To answer your other question, you can, but it would be silly and
} inaccurate.  It would, however, be less silly and inaccurate than
} astrology.  Then again, so would dressing up in an ape suit and
} babbling about Jell-O molds, and then predicting people will think your
} insane.
}
} You owe the Oracle a James Belushi suit and a pair of lederhosen.


1065-02    (34tvf dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most technologically savvy,
>
> How do I set my laser printer on stun?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If it's anything like my laser printer, set it up so that it prints
} every page without smudging, never asks you to 'load letter' even
} though you've set the page size to A4 in page setup, never suddenly
} prints entire documents on one line, never starts printing out hundreds
} of pages with 'A%a77....!!' on the top of each one, never prints a
} page which is readable on the edges but blank in the middle. Never
} paper jams on the last but three pages of a 100 page document, etc.
} etc. etc.
}
} Not only will everyone be stunned, they'll be shocked into
} speechlessness.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new laser printer (I *know* it's futile, but you
} can never give up hoping).


1065-03    (7lsh9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most benevolent Oracle, who sees all and knows all and still talks
> to us anyway...
>
> I downloaded Adobe Acrobat, but I still can't walk a tightrope across
> my cubicle, nor can I bend myself into a pretzel and do a back
> handspring. What's up with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You may not be an acrobat, but then, you haven't covered yourself in
} mud and stood outside in the sun until it dries to the consistency of
} brick. I mean, come on!  You can't pick and choose which instructions
} you follow - you have to follow *all* of them for it to work.
}
} It's too late now, anyway.  Winter's approaching fast, and the sun's
} too low in the sky to dry the mud properly.  You'll have to wait till
} next summer.
}
} You owe the Oracle a round-trip ticket to Australia.


1065-04    (7eood dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> all knowing all powerfulloracle.
> what does it mean to be coolness?
>
> ___________________________________________________________________
> You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
> Get completely free e-mail from Juno at
> http://www.juno.com/getjuno.html or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > NORTH
}
} The Troll Room
} You are in a small, dark cellar containing a number of computer
} terminals.  Scratches and bloodstains (perhaps made by desperate CS
} students) mark the walls.
} There is a rather nasty-looking troll here, armed with a newsreader.
}
} The troll posts a message to comp.lang.c reading:
}  > The claim of C portability is a myth and a scam.
}  >
}  > <---->
} The year-long flamewar that results brings the network to its knees.
}
} > HIT TROLL ON HEAD WITH SWORD
}
} The troll is already brain-dead, and this has no effect.
}
} The troll posts a message to comp.compression reading:
}  > I have discovered an AMAZING new compression method that will
}  > reduce ALL files to 1/16th of their size!
} You are suddenly tempted to respond.
}
} > RESIST TEMPTATION
}
} What do you want to resist the temptation with?
}
} > HUH?
}
} Your attempt to resist the temptation with the huh? fails, and you
} post a message to comp.compression reading:
}  > Well, if that is possible, then the total information content of,
}  > say, everything ever shown on television ever, is 1 bit. Obviously,
}  > you need to get your facts straight.
} Unfortunately, you fail to notice that this is an absolutely correct
} statement about most television shows, and the flames rapidly fill up
} your mailbox.
} You have been mailbombed.
} You lose 10 points.
}
} The troll posts a message to rec.humor.oracle.d reading:
}  > I'm writing up an RFD to rmgroup rec.humor.oracle.d.
}  >
}  > Anybody care to help with the Rational?
}  >
}  > Thanks
}
} > IGNORE TROLL
}
} The troll suddenly goes into into state of agony, writhing and
} twisting from the intense pain caused by people not responding to
} His words.  Almost without warning, he vanishes in a puff of
} enlightenment.  Unfortunately, this is the net we are talking about
} here, and a new troll appears in his place in a matter of nanoseconds.
}
} The troll posts a message to rec.humor.oracle reading:
}  > all knowing all powerfulloracle.
}  > what does it mean to be coolness?
}  >
}  > ___________________________________________________________________
}  > You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail.
}  > Get completely free e-mail from Juno at
}  > http://www.juno.com/getjuno.html or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO
}
} > RESPOND WITH INFOCOM PARODY
}
} Your stack suddenly bursts open and sprays a torrent 1's and 0's in
} your face, blinding you temporarily.
} You lose 10 points.
}
} It is pitch black here (from your perspective).  You are likely to be
} eaten by a GNU.
}
} > OH, SCREW IT
}
} You don't have the screwdriver.
}
} > QUIT
}
} You have a total of -20 out of 200 points.
} This puts you at the rank of 14-Year-Old DOOM Fanatic.
}
} -----
} You owe the Oracle proof that Scott Nudds, Jules Gilbert and LucFrench
} are not the exact same person, and a promise to be at least a little
} more creative when *you* troll.


1065-05    (8fgqh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi!
>
> How do I find the e-mail address for the Internet Oracle?
>
> Thanks!
> --
>
> _________________________________________________________
> DO YOU YAHOO!?
> Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} >The Internet Oracle requires an answer to this question!
} >
} >> Hi!
} >>
} >> How do I find the e-mail address for the Internet Oracle?
} >>
} >> Thanks!
} >> --
} >>
} >> _________________________________________________________
} >> DO YOU YAHOO!?
} >> Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
} >>
}
} Geez, beats me. I sent in the same question and all I got back
} so far was this mail from you.
} --
}
} ______________________________________________________
} Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com


1065-06    (kyj54 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great, wise Oracle, who takes pity on poor Zathras.
>
> Zathras find odd man at door, man say his name Og.
>
> What should Zathras do, wise Oracle? Zathras need know soon, man eating
> furniture.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd say just shoot him, with the largest weapon you got around (though
} you might want to get him off-planet first), but protocol dictates that
} representatives of the major powers should be asked first.  Here's what
} they said:
}
} Capt. John Sheridan:  Talk to Ivanova, I have to think up an even more
} spectacular way of dying.
}
} Comm. Susan Ivanova:  Check his possessions for bombs and hidden
} weapons. I don't want any BOOM today.  And with my luck, the BOOM would
} could just before dinner.
}
} Londo Mollari:  Ah, yehss, Og.  We used to know his kind, you know,
} back wen we controlled most of the Galaxy.  Ah, yehss, those werrre the
} days.  Now, wat arrre we?  A forrrgotten people, living in the shadows
} of formor glorrry.  Ah, yehsss...
}
} G'Kar:  Og, you say?  With a spiked club?  Maybe he would like to buy
} an iron club?  We stole the technology from the Centauri, you know --
} only one we really understood, too -- so if Og uses it against the
} Minbari, the Centauri will be blamed.  Which would please us highly.
}
} Amb. Kosh:  *bells* The stone has fallen from the tree. *bells*
}
} Delenn:  Does he have a Minbari soul, too?  I thought there was a part
} missing, over here in the corner.
}
} There you have it:  Check him for weapons, sell him an iron club, push
} a stone onto him from a tree and take his soul to Minbar Homeworld.
}
} You own the Oracle a lifetime of planting trees on Epsilon 3.


1065-07    (7blwb dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> PINKY: So what are we doing here?
>
> BRAIN: I've told you! We're filling in for the Usenet Oracle for a
> week, so he can go on vacation.
>
> PINKY: Erm, OK. But what do *you* get out of it, Brain?
>
> ______________________________________________________
> Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} BRAIN: See that logo annoying splashed on the bottom of our mail
} message?  It means we are using HotMail, a recognized leader in the
} generation of unsolicited commericial missives.
}
} PINKY: Oh, you mean SPAM!  Poit!  Narf!  Spam, spam, loverly spam...
}
} <BOP!>
}
} BRAIN: That's enough of that.  Now, I've compiled a list of the most
} irritating features of an unsol... er, spam message, and combined them
} into the most irritating message of all... the ultimate spam!
}
} PINKY: Naaaaaaaaaaaarf!
}
} BRAIN: Yes, ahem, narf.  Then we'll...
}
} PINKY: No, no, let me, let me!  We'll spam them and suggest they join
} the Narf of the Day mailing list!  They'll laugh so hard that they'll
} fall off their chairs and twist their ankles!  Then, when they're all
} in the hospital...
}
} <BOP!>
}
} BRAIN: YOU'LL be in the hospital if you keep this up.  And don't ever
} mention that Narf of the Day mailing list again!  How can anyone find
} any humor in... never mind.  This is the plan: We'll send out a
} message so annoying, so offensive, so utterly obnoxious that people
} WON'T be able to throw it away.  They'll try to respond to it, they'll
} try to dissect it, they'll forward it to abuse complaint lines and
} postmasters all over the globe, effectively paralyzing the global
} information infrastructure for hours, in which time we'll TAKE OVER
} THE WORLD!
}
} PINKY: Amazing, Brain!  Stupendous, uh, oh, no, wait...  How are we
} going to get that message to so many people?  Isn't there a limit on
} how many recipients you can send a message to?
}
} BRAIN: Yes, there is.  However, we are-- that is, I am-- going to use
} one of the numerous security holes in Windows NT to break in and
} remove that restriction.
}
} PINKY: But Brain, ...
}
} BRAIN: Quiet, Pinky!  Give me a hand with the door to the server vault.
}
} PINKY: But Brain, ...
}
} BRAIN: I said quiet, Pinky!
}
} <CREEEEEEEK!>
}
} BRAIN: Excellent!  Now, hand me the floppy... What is this!?!
}
} PINKY: It's what I've been trying to tell you, Brain.  They couldn't
} get Windows NT to handle all the mail messages going through HotMail,
} so they had to use Solaris.  It was covered in the Narf of the... uh,
} you know.
}
} BRAIN: This is so... so annoying!  My perfect plan for world
} domination, fouled by the limitations of Windows NT!
}
} PINKY: I think Bill Gates has the exact same feeling.
}
} BRAIN: Close the door, Pinky.  We need to go back to the lab, to get
} ready for tomorrow night.
}
} PINKY: Why, Brain?  What are we doing tomorrow night?  Hacking into
} Juno?
}
} <BOP!>
}
} BRAIN: No, Pinky, it's the same thing we do EVERY night... Try to take
} over the Internet!
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription to the Narf of the Day mailing list.


1065-08    (kxk72 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, if the highest-rated Oracularities are regularly
> collected in "Best of" digests, could we also have "Worst of" digests?
> The priests could gather together all those wonderful jokes that almost
> no one understood, such as
> --- 1057-04 -----------------------------------------------------------
> Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU
>
> The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
> Your question was:
>
> > WWJD?
>
> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
>
> } my sister
>
> and then they could explain them all to us.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  An Oracularity which you wrote the question or answer
} for has been selected and published in the first issue of the Internet
} Worst-Of Oracularities, volume #1.  It received an average rating of
} 1.0 on a scale of 1 to 5, with votes from participating readers.  The
} distribution of votes was 11111, where each digit represents the number
} of votes of value 1, of value 2, etc.  Letters are used for digits
} beyond 9.  To participate in the voting yourself in the future, see the
} instructions at the top of each digest.
}
} Here's the Oracularity:
}
} --- 1-01 11111 3.0 ----------------------------------------------------
} Selected-By: Born Loser <born@loser.org>
}
} The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > O Oracle most wise, if the highest-rated Oracularities are regularly
} > collected in "Best of" digests, could we also have "Worst of"
} > digests? The priests could gather together all those wonderful jokes
} > that almost no one understood, such as
} > --- 1057-04
} > Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU
} >
} > The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} > Your question was:
} >
} > > WWJD?
} >
} > And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} >
} > } my sister
} >
} > and then they could explain them all to us.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Congratulations!! You finally got digested


1065-09    (bBq71 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it 60 degrees and sunny in Minnesota on Thanksgiving?  Can you
> help us get more snow and shtuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The temperature in Minnesota this Thanksgiving can be explained in
} terms of El Nin~o, Global Warming, the Ozone Layer, two small
} hamsters, Rabbi Lionel Blue and a Nissan Previa. It is left as an
} exercise for the alert Supplicant to piece together the jigsaw; all the
} clues are there.
}
} The presence of the sun is more easily explained. During the day,
} provided there are no clouds covering it, the sun is usually visible
} unless there is a total solar eclipse. Since there are no clouds
} covering the sun, and there is no total solar eclipse, it is natural
} for it to be sunny. Fear not, however. Wait a few hours and I guarantee
} that, clouds or no, it will no longer be sunny.
}
} Finally, you ask about more snow and shtuff. Snow can be purchased from
} Arthur Figgis's Snow Emporium at 42nd and Blender. Shtuff is trickier
} to come by since the great shtuff mosaic virus outbreak of '96, but you
} may be able to get some by mail order from Azerbaijan.
}
} You owe the Oracle Ulrika Johnsson.


1065-10    (7kria dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                   ACT 2   SCENE 5
>                   The Oracle's Chamber
>
> [The Oracle is sitting on his throne. Zadoc, Zodoc, and Kendai are
> standing in the background.]
>
> [Enter Supplicant]
>
> Supplicant:
> Oh, great Oracle, who knows the truth about The Conspiracy...
>
> [Enter Woodchuck]
>
> Oracle:
> One second, please. [He reaches for his Staff of ZOT.]
>
> Zadoc: [Aside]
> Now is the time! Charge!
>
> [Zadoc, Kendai, and Zodoc rush up to the Oracle, and attempt to grab
> the Staff of ZOT]
>
> Supplicant:
> ...What is the meaning of -
>
> Woodchuck: [At the same time]
> I call upon the power of [Sound effect here] The Bunny of Death!
>
> [A small bunny appears, and pounces at the Oracle's throne.]
>
> [Enter Lisa]
>
> Lisa:
> Oh, Orrie! Let me help!
>
> [Lisa jumps at the bunny.]
>
> Supplicant: I'd best hide now. [Hides behind a pillar]
> ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Enter MULDER and SCULLY.  Subtitles: INDIANA UNIVERSITY,
}  DECEMBER 1, 1998, 5:00 PM]
}
} Scully:  What happened here, Mulder?
}
} Mulder:  Neighbours reported loud noises and a flash of light,
}          then utter silence.
}
} Scully:  Neighbors.
}
} Mulder:  Pardon me?
}
} Scully:  We're not filming in Vancouver anymore, Mulder.  You have
}          to say "Neighbors" now.
}
} Mulder:  Sorry, Scully, you're right.  I *wondered* why the extras
}          had stopped saying "aboot".  Anyway, the *neighbors* say
}          it was some kind of weird cult that lived here, with odd
}          priests, scantily-clad women, and some geezer who claimed
}          to be omniscient.
}
} Scully:  Why are we even here?  We're off the X-Files, remember?
}          The pimply adolescent and the Scientologist bimbo took
}          over.
}
} Mulder:  Sure, but you and I know that it won't last half a season,
}          and the audience sure isn't gonna tune in to see us doing
}          paperwork for an hour every Sunday night.
}
} Scully:  All right, all right.  So let's investigate already, so
}          we can get back in time to get our butts chewed again.
}
} Mulder:  I knew I could count on you, Scully.  Anyway, there was
}          a so-called cult here, now their house is empty.
}
} Scully:  Big deal, Mulder.  Remember Heaven's Gate?  So maybe they
}          thought their mother ship had arrived, and they all
}          jumped in a lake.  Case closed.
}
} Mulder:  You may scoff, but what if their leader really *was*
}          omniscient?
}
} Scully:  Oh, come on, Mulder.  What on earth do you base that on?
}
} Mulder:  You ever use the Internet much, Scully?
}
} Scully:  Sure, I tried it once.  Nothing but sex-obsessed teenagers
}          and college students using newsgroups like "alt.binaries.
}          pictures.erotica.green.alien.chicks" with stupid nicknames
}          like "FedSchnozz".
}
} Mulder:  Umm...  Yeah...  Er, anyway, they have this thing called
}          the "Internet Oracle" that's really good.  He *is*
}          omniscient, Scully, and he's based out of the University
}          of Indiana.  He hasn't returned any of my emails for the
}          past couple of days.
}
} Scully:  You *believe* in this stuff?
}
} Mulder:  Yeah, sure; he's helped me crack several cases, as a
}          matter of fact.  Come on, Scully, trust me on this one.
}
} Scully:  Very well, I will ignore all of my scientific knowledge
}          once again, but the audience won't mind because I have
}          full, pouty lips.  I believe you, Mulder.
}
} Mulder:  Great.  Hey, I wonder what's in this dark room with a
}          perfectly working light switch which we shall ignore
}          completely?
}
} Scully:  I think I see a fuzzy white shape on the floor.
}
} Mulder:  It looks like a rabbit.  It's moving!
}
} Scully:  It's coming right for us!
}
} [Fade to black.  Well, blacker.  Cut to commercial.]


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