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Internet Oracularities #1067

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Internet Oracularities #1067    (76 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 17 Dec 1998 09:40:10 -0500 (EST)

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send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1067
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1067  76 votes 4upd4 4kyg2 cplc6 2mmn7 7qnj1 9kim7 cpob4 bdgjh 8vu52 ckmd9
1067  2.8 mean  2.8   2.9   2.7   3.1   2.8   3.0   2.6   3.2   2.5   2.8


1067-01    (4upd4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O your omniprecedence, wise Oracle, who takes pleasure in
>  trifling with mortals by intorducing imponderables such
>  as "dark matter" and "casual day;" I humbly ask that you
>  please tell me:
>
>  Is there any trademark or copyright on "Vlad the Impaler?"
>
>  My legal department can't seem to answer this one, and we're
>  really keen on a new line of Beanie Babies.
>
>  Sincerely,
>  Mr. Witherspoon, Doktor of Evil

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Mr. Witherspoon, Doktor of Evil, the members of my well-trained
} and enthusiastic crocodile-pond^Wurm, uh, legal department have
} researched your question deeply, and discovered that no, there is in
} fact no copyright on "Vlad the Impaler".  Rejoice, Mr. Witherspoon (or
} may I call you Doktor?), for the way is now open for your new line of
} cuddly, wuddly, and oh-so-saccharinely cute Evil Beanie Babies!
}
} Other names and themes you might consider:
}
}   Starrie the attack-lawyer
}   Billg the octopus
}   Gingrich the newt (retired)
}   Bluescreen the PC
}   B1FF the queue-drainer
}   Kinzler the priest
}
} There, that should be enough to get you started.
}
} You owe The Oracle a first-edition "Zog the troglodyte" beanie baby,
} from before they make his club look less disturbingly blood-stained.
} In mint condition, if you please, and in one of those little plastic
} case thingies.
}
} Hey, everybody needs a hobby!


1067-02    (4kyg2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you know that right now, there are about thirteen thousand
> non-producing hair follicles on you head?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All hair follicles produce, it is just that some of them don't produce
} hair.  In fact, these thousands of "non-producing" follicles actually
} produce a little known hormone known as nohairuene.  Nohairuene has
} many effects, and mainly affects a person's state of mind.  The most
} pronounced of these effects is a persistent feeling of oppression and
} desperation.  Fortunately, these unpleasant effects can be countered by
} he simple application of a red sports car which can go from zero to
} sixty in less time than it takes to ZOT a w**dch**k (although a
} spaceship which can reach warp factor 9 may prove sufficient, even if
} not painted red), or at least one beautiful blonde under the age of
} fourteen.
}
}         Another effect of nohairuene is to weaken a person's awareness
} of the objects immediately occupying the space immediately above one's
} head.  This leads to unexpected and frequent collisions between said
} head and said objects, and explains the frequent bruises spotted upon
} the pate of a certain incarnation's father.
}
}         Finally, nohairuene can cause a person to consistently
} underestimate the perceptiveness of people around the affected
} individual.  In particular, it create the belief that a toupee (not a
} wig, mind you), actually looks like real hair, and not a bit of shag
} carpeting which has been stapled to one's skull.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Starship Enterprise, painted mid-life-crisis
} red.


1067-03    (cplc6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Orc., known as the greatest literary agent to man:
>
> Can you tell me any themes you found prevalent in Joyce's "A Portrait
> of the Artist as a Young Man"?
>
>       Thank you,
>                      Astressedoutgirlwhohasapaperduetomorrow

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The most prevalent theme I found was:
}
} Cliff's Notes are your friends.


1067-04    (2mmn7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O must beautiful and vivacious Oracle. Whose wisdom knows not its own
> bounds.
>
> I know you get frustrated with all of the idiots who send the question
> "What am I thinking?" so I'll give you a change of pace.
>
> What am I not thinking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You forgot the comma after "What," and the answer is "Obviously
} not."
}
} You owe the Oracle the broomstick of the Wicked Witch of the West,
} but I can only give you a diploma...I can't give you a brain.


1067-05    (7qnj1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How!  Have I got a deal for you!  You'll get all these nice, shiny
> beads for that small, insignificant island over there!   You can't
> lose with a deal like that!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, I'm not sure I can let it go for that price.  Hang on JUST
} a minute, I've got to go talk to my manager about this.
}
} [twenty minutes of "Spanish Flea" on the Muzak system]
}
} Well, my manager says we don't have any of the base model left.
} But we've got plenty of models with the option packages here in
} our showroom.  Here, now, THIS one is for you!  It's got plenty
} of roads, a beautiful nighttime skyline, and tinted atmosphere.
} It's only $57,000,000,000 -- a real bargain no matter how you
} slice it -- but I can throw in a set of mudflaps and floor mats
} for free.  Tell you what, I'll even put on some undercoating and
} fabric protector at no extra cost.  No, don't go away -- how
} about I throw in these bridges too?  Plenty of historic value,
} those bridges, great investment potential, too.  Only been
} driven on by little old ladies goin' to church on Sundays.  And
} they're just loaded with modern art, painted by some of the
} freshest young talent in the business!
}
} Look, I want you to come away from this deal happy, so if you
} sign right now, you only need to put 5% down, and I'll give you
} an incredibly low 1.9% finance rate, compounded diurnally.  I
} can only give you this deal if you sign right now, though, 'cause
} this is one hot property and it could go any minute.
}
} There you go!  Splendid doing business with you.
}
} You owe the Oracle 2,850,000,000.  Preferably in cash.


1067-06    (9kim7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose jockstrap Vladimir Ward cannot even HOPE to
> hold....
>
> Who would win in a standup fight--a 3025 Rifleman with the 2/4/2 back
> armour, or a Goshawk?
> Please explain your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!!!  It's the ULTIMATE CAGE MATCH!
}
} Only on PAY-PER-VIEW, you can see a 3025 RIFLEMAN go HEAD-TO-HEAD
} with a GOSHAWK!
}
} *blip*
}
} BOB:  And here we are for the main event, the cage match between
}       a 3025 Rifleman and a Goshawk.  Two will enter, only one will
}       leave.  Here to provide me with color commentary is Minnesota
}       Governor-Elect Jesse "The Body" Ventura!  Jesse, I'm told
}       that you haven't allowed your new gubernatorial status to
}       interfere with your more well-known profession.
}
} JBV:  That's right, Bob, I was getting ready to take on Florida
}       Governor Lawton "He-Coon" Chiles, but he up and died on me.
}       I would've KICKED HIS ASS, and he knew it, so he took the
}       easy way out and keeled over in training!  But in three
}       weeks, I'm gonna open up a tall-boy can of whoop-ass on the
}       pencil-neck momma's boy who's gonna replace him for the next
}       four years.
}
} BOB:  That's great, Jesse, and I'm sure Jeb "JEB!" Bush is quaking
}       in his boots.  But today's match is something different
}       altogether.  We've got a battle mech from Robotech, the 3025
}       Rifleman, going up against a Goshawk.  Any thoughts on who'll
}       be the winner?
}
} JBV:  Well, as you know, the favorite in this match is the Rifleman,
}       with his 2/4/2 back armor, which will make him pretty much
}       invulnerable to attacks from the rear in case the Goshawk
}       manages to get around behind him.  The Goshawk has powerful
}       legs and claws, and is classified as "wary and difficult to
}       approach" -- but it's a small one, only about 17 inches long.
}
} BOB:  That's about average for a male Goshawk, I'm told; the females
}       often reach nearly two feet in length.
}
} JBV:  Maybe so, Bob, but even those extra seven inches wouldn't
}       help this rainforest-dwelling bird against a Mechanized
}       Deliverer of Death like the Rifleman here.
}
} BOB:  We'll see if you're right, Jesse.  Well, I can see past the
}       throng of protesting Greenpeace activists to the cage itself,
}       and it looks like the contestants are entering.  The cage
}       door has been locked shut, the ref has given them their
}       instructions, and... THERE'S THE BELL!
}
} JBV:  The Goshawk has taken off; it's circling, a common tactic
}       amongst _Accipiter novaehollandiae_.
}
} BOB:  The Rifleman has fired some kind of particle-beam weapon at
}       its opponent!  The Goshawk seems to have taken it in the wing!
}
} JBV:  HE'S DOWN!  HE'S DOWN!  The Goshawk is fluttering around on
}       the floor of the cage, trying to get back in the air, and...
}
} BOB:  OUCH, THAT'S *GOTTA* HURT!  The Rifleman has STOMPED on the
}       Goshawk!  There's feathers flying all over the place, but
}       no sign of the Goshawk itself!
}
} JBV:  No, I see it; it's stuck to the underside of the Rifleman's
}       foot!  He's scraping it off onto the bars, the ref is giving
}       the count, and...  IT'S OVER!  THE RIFLEMAN HAS WON!
}
} *blip*
}
} So there you have it, Supplicant.  The Rifleman would win, because
} it has the Goshawk severely outclassed.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why you would ask such a
} twisted question in the first place.


1067-07    (cpob4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Give my regards to Zadoc
> Remember me oh Orrie too
> Tell all the rhodites in their land of make-believe
> Your answers are always true!
>
> If groundhogs go lumber-throwing
> How much timber could they throw?
> Yes, give my regards to Oracle
> 'Cause now I've got to go

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Writenow Correspondence Course,
} 15 Hackney Road,
} Oxford.
}
} Dear Student,
}
} Thank you for your recent submission of coursework. We have passed your
} coursework to your personal writing tutor, Og, for comment. We attach
} his comments and hope that you find them helpful.
}
} Yours Sincerely,
}
} (squiggle)
}
} I. M. Charleton,
} President,
} Writenow Correspondence Ltd.
}
} (attached)
}
} Og here. Og read po-em. Og think po-em show prom-ise, but have few
} flaw! Og ex-plain, help stu-dent im-prove.
}
} Og say, first, stu-dent use many long word. Og think long word hard
} read. Og think, make ea-sy split long word small bit. Og show first
} re-write po-em.
}
} > Give my re-gards to Za-doc
} > Re-mem-ber me oh Or-rie too
} > Tell all the rhod-ites in their land of make be-lieve
} > Your an-swers are al-ways true!
} >
} > If ground-hogs go lum-ber-throw-ing
} > How much tim-ber could they throw?
} > Yes, give my re-gards to O-ra-cle
} > 'Cause now I've got to go
}
} Og say, stu-dent see im-prove al-ready. Og say, next, sen-tence hard
} un-der-stand mean-ing. Stu-dent not say who say what! Og say, put
} stu-dent start all sen-tence, read-er not get con-fuse.  Og show
} ex-ample.
}
} > Stu-dent Give re-gards to Za-doc
} > Or-rie Re-mem-ber oh stu-dent too
} > Stu-dent Tell all the rhod-ites in their land of make-be-lieve
} > Or-rie an-swers are al-ways true!
} >
} > Stu-dent ask If ground-hogs go lum-ber-throw-ing
} > Student won-der how much tim-ber could they throw?
} > Stu-dent give re-gards to O-ra-cle
} > Stu-dent now got to go
}
} Og say, last, sen-tence much too long. Stu-dent use too many word! Og
} say, get rid of not need word. Og say, many let-ter no mean! Og say,
} like 's' end of word. Og do last re-write.
}
} > Stu-dent Give re-gard Za-doc
} > Or-rie Re-mem-ber stu-dent too
} > Stu-dent Tell rhod-ites in land make be-lieve
} > Or-rie an-swers al-ways true!
} >
} > Stu-dent ask how much ground-hog lum-ber-throw?
} > Student won-der much tim-ber throw?
} > Stu-dent give re-gard O-ra-cle
} > Stu-dent now got go
}
} Og say, mean much more clear! Og think stu-dent see how po-em much
} im-prove. Og say, next month stu-dent write ass-i assii asign home-work
} Og. Og give to-pic.
}
} Stu-dent write ode to dead Mammoth found in tar pit.
} Stu-dent write sol-i solly sol po-em say no place like cave.
} Stu-dent write free verse won-der why wo-man have ba-by.
}
} Og say look for-ward next see stu-dent work.


1067-08    (bdgjh dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that women have thousands of different types of coat hanger
> when men would be happy if they were all just triangular metal ones?
>
> -- [a large, legalistic auto-sig chopped off here in transition -ed]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It was a rainy day in Metropolis, the kind that puts a chill through
} your bones and into your soul; a day fit for neither man nor beast.
} The streets were empty.  The crack dealers and winos had gone to
} seek shelter, but not me.  Even in this late fall icy downpour which
} should have been named "Hurricane Pneumonia," I had to keep pounding
} the beat.  Life's never easy for a junior reporter, but when you
} work for the Daily Planet, it's downright miserable sometimes.  Like
} Lois always said, "You've gotta love it."  She was my buddy Clark's
} girl; style, class, and legs that wouldn't quit all rolled up into a
} fireball that would roast you alive if you got in her way.  I missed
} her.  I missed them both, and for all I owed them, I had to find out
} what happened.
}
} Perry told me to forget about it, that reporting was a dangerous
} business and it was just the odds catching up to those two.  If it
} had been anybody else, I might have thought that he'd been paid off
} to keep people from investigating -- I knew the cops had been.  I
} knew better, though.  Perry looked as stricken as if he'd lost a son
} and daughter, and I knew he just couldn't bear to lose one more of
} his own.  I don't know why everyone just assumed they were dead.
} Lex Luthor was paroled last Monday, Lois and Clark were missing on
} Tuesday, and I suppose everybody just put two and two together.
}
} Finally, drenched to the bone and my last potential informant
} questioned, I returned to my office $5000 poorer and with no leads
} whatsoever.  It was as if they really had vanished.  If Luthor had
} had any part in it, he'd done it outside of his usual network of
} low-life scum, that was for sure.  I'd paid off every two-bit
} henchman and thug in the city, and all for nothing.  Dejected, I
} started reading my email, and there it was.  My first clue had been
} sitting in my computer waiting for me all this time.  Lex Vehicle
} Leasing -- LVL -- Lex V. Luthor, operating out of the UK!  But what
} could it mean?  Coat hangers...many kinds for women, but only small
} triangular ones for men?  That was easy enough; a reference to
} Lois's enormous wardrobe and the triangular shield on the Man of
} Steel's chest.  But what could that impossibly huge auto-sig have to
} do with it?  Well, I thought, I'll start with the phone number, and
} before I could worry about what Perry would say about an
} international call, I dialed it.  To my utter astonishment, I
} instantly recognized the pompous tones coming from the other end.
}
} "Orrie!  I'd almost given up and gone home.  I was expecting you
} hours ago!  How've you been?" crowed Lex Luthor.
}
} "Better," I replied, maintaining my cool.  "Are the kids still in
} one piece?  It will go very hard for you if they aren't," I added
} icily.
}
} "Oh, fret not, big guy.  Supe, or should I say Clark, has had a bit
} of a scare, but he's just fine, or at least he will be," the arch-
} villain cooed.
}
} "So you know?  How'd an idiot like you finally figure it out?"
}
} "I didn't, to be honest.  I was just playing a hunch on that foxbot
} Lane when I put the kryptonite condom in her purse.  I couldn't
} believe it when we broke in and found her gibbering over Kent.
} Would you believe that he still had his glasses on?  Only when they
} fell off while we were moving him did we realize it had worked!
} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
}
} "What do you want?"
}
} "Well, in my old age, I've gone a bit soft, if you know what I mean.
} I figure that on ten million dollars, and a lifetime supply of
} Viagra and Rogaine, not to mention the lovely Lois Lane, I could
} hide away quite happily for the rest of my days and never bother
} anyone again..."
}
} "So you want us to sell Lois into slavery to you?  And what about
} Clark, or is he history either way?"
}
} "Oh, you can have the SuperEunuch back, though I don't think he'll
} ever be the same again..."
}
} "You're mad!" I screamed, involuntarily venting my mounting
} frustration.
}
} "Yes, and isn't it grand!" he cackled in reply.  "You haven't asked
} about the alternative yet, though I know you'll never kowtow to my
} demands.  You types never do.  So, I'll just tell you.  If my
} demands are not met, not only shall both of them be killed in the
} most painful way I can think of, but my specialized .sig virus will
} attach itself to every email message and usenet posting on earth,
} crippling the net with the additional traffic and enabling me to
} TAKE OVER THE WORLD!"  I wondered who he'd been talking to in
} prison. He'd always been crazy before, but this time he really took
} the fruitcake.
}
} "Gee, Brain, where's Pinky?" I retorted.  "You realize, of course,
} that you're insane, and you're going back to..."
}
} "What did you say?" Luthor interrupted, his cool veneer of contempt
} shattered for just a moment.  I thought I detected something odd in
} his voice, almost like an electrical short.  A voice modulator?
} What for?
}
} I knew something was up, but I didn't want to give myself away just
} yet.  "It's a reference to a popular animated TV show.  I'm
} surprised that even someone who's been in prison wouldn't recognize
} it," I deadpanned.
}
} "Yes, I know, but why would you say that?  Does this sound like a
} time for joking to you?  Do you doubt my resolve???"  He was really
} hot about something, barking threats into the phone with vicious
} fury.  Then I heard it. It was almost inaudible over the mad
} ranting, but I heard it:  "Um, Brain, you're drooling all over the
} voice box, narf!"  Then, in mid-sentence, Luthor's voice fizzled,
} and was replaced by that of the Brain!  "...should kill them now,
} just to *pop fizzle*  Oh no!  The modulator!  Oh well, no matter,
} our plan is in motion and NOTHING CAN STOP US THIS TIME!"  He didn't
} hear me put him on hold while I got on the other line.  I thanked
} whatever gods there were that Perry hated cheesy hold music.
}
} Hanging up the other line, I knew I had him, but I wanted to savor
} the moment. "Are you sure about that?" I queried.  "Even if, say,
} LVL called in an exterminator for this afternoon to help them with
} their...rodent...problem?  Face it, Brain, your plans are always
} doomed to fail!"
}
} "Curses!" came the reply.  "Pinky, are you thinking what I'm
} thinking?"  "I think so, Brain, but kryptonite chafes me so."
} "Pinky, don't make me hurt you..." with that, the phone hit the
} floor, and I heard a slap and some scurrying before I hung up the
} phone.
}                               * * *
}
} The headlines flew fast and furious the next day, as the missing
} reporters Lois Lane and Clark Kent were discovered tied up
} underneath the IT desk of a small vehicle leasing company in the
} United Kingdom.  "At first I thought it was just some kinky sex
} game," quipped the exterminator who found them, "but when I got
} undressed and climbed down there with them, she kicked me in my
} bits an' pieces, so I figgered maybe she just wanted out.  I'm
} buggered if I know why I was called anyway; I didn't find a bloody
} mouse in the whole bloody building."  The network manager found tied
} in the closet was taken to the hospital for observation after raving
} about talking mice.
}
} The .sig virus flew fast and furious through the internet in the
} days that followed, but thankfully the experts had it contained
} almost as soon as it started.  The mutant hotmail and juno forms
} still exist, among others, but most netizens remain largely un-
} affected.
}
} The profanity flew fast and furious in Perry's office when he
} discovered the two international calls on the phone bill.  By now
} Lois and Clark were back home, safe and sound, and they both
} assured me that he was as good as new.  Perry never did figure
} the significance of the two calls, and I didn't bother telling him.
} My work there was done anyway, and I quit not long afterward to
} head back to Bloomington.  I still keep in touch with Clark and
} Lois; I send them a multicolored basket of condoms every year,
} and every year, they send me back all the green ones.


1067-09    (8vu52 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sir Oracle,
>
> Will I indeed be able to get reservations at that expensive, yet chic
> restaurant in the city that I wish to take the love of my love to on
> Christmas Eve Eve?
>                       Inquiring,
>                                    Nick's girl

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, Mrs. Claus, you've left it rather late to book you and Nick a
} table, especially if you want to be sure of having that all-important
} parking space for the sleigh.
}
} Rather than risk embarrassment, I suggest you tell Santa that, owing
} to Government policy on monopolies, he's now required to check the
} list *thrice*. That should keep him busy enough that the moment will
} pass, and you can be certain that after several million mince pies
} and glasses of sherry, there is no way he'll remember until after
} the New Year, at which point you can make your booking with impunity.
}
} You owe The Oracle a new byke.


1067-10    (ckmd9 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your Incredible Omniscence,
>
> Being, um... omniscent and all, you already know about Kelly.  What do
> you think I should do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Give yourself up. The police will find the body in a few days, and it
} will be much better for you if you surrender rather than get caught.
}
} You owe The Oracle a confession.


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