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Internet Oracularities #1068

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Internet Oracularities #1068    (74 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 22 Dec 1998 09:09:43 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1068
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1068  74 votes 06otf hddla 1cqs7 3dknf 6fpk8 hnmb1 9hud5 iom82 0avp8 7nx74
1068  3.0 mean  3.7   2.9   3.4   3.5   3.1   2.4   2.8   2.4   3.4   2.7


1068-01    (06otf dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'll have a double latte cinnamon mocha extra special swirl with
> whipped cream - Whoops!  Sorry, I guess I dozed off.  It's been that
> kind of a week.  That was weird - I was dreaming of Starbucks.  Go
> figure.
>
> Oh Oracle most wise, I've got a project which has to be finished by
> 5:00 pm on Friday.  I estimate it's going to require 100 hours of work
> to complete, and it's now noon on Tuesday.  I believe you can see the
> little problem I've got.  What are my options here?  And what on earth
> ever posessed me to go for a Computer Science degree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm. Know any mysterious Doctors with no apparent last name?
} Any wacky scientist types with strangely souped-up Deloreans?
} Two guys called Bill and Ted?
}
} No? okay... different approach...
}
} By applying your knowledge of HTML, CGI and Java applets that you've
} picked up simply because it's fun writing wacky web pages, when you
} should actually have been learning OS architecture, manually
} generating LALR parser tables, and coding expert systems for Windows98,
} we can generate a solution to your problem.
}
} Create a "CS Problem of the Day" web page. Index it in Yahoo and
} other search sites, so that geeks can find it. Mention it on
} comp.programming.contests. Make much of the fact that a fabulous
} prize is on offer. (Doesn't matter what. Cash. Hardware. A date
} with Pamela Anderson is a good drawcard for most decent programmers.)
}
} Now, break up your project into small pieces that can be attacked
} individually. Give a different piece to every visitor to your page.
} Remind them of the contest closing date. Get them to code their
} answers right into an applet that relays the code back to your
} machine for local compilation and run-time testing.
}
} Sit back and relax until about 2pm Friday, then go through all the
} answers and pick the best ones for each part of your project.
} Not only will you have completed your project on time, but you will
} have produced an end result with the quality of about 1000
} man-hours of work behind it.
}
} Remove the web page, so that any of the suckers who come back looking
} to see if they've won a prize get a "404 Not Found" error.
}
} Realise that that web programming contest you entered yourself back
} when you were an eager beaver just starting your degree was
} actually part of a final year coding project for some guy who now has
} a $200k job with Microsoft, and that *you* are the person responsible
} for Internet Explorer not supporting JavaScript properly.
}
} As for your second question: You chose a Computer Science degree
} so you could learn about a wonderful thing called recursion....
}
} You owe the Oracle your first 3 IBM paycheques.


1068-02    (hddla dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Or'kle big have much Zot.
>
> Og here. See Og? Good.
> Og on strike.
>
> Og no answer question till Og get casual day.
>
> Or'kle agree?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Agree? Og, you're fired. You have five minutes to clear your cave and
} all Internet Oracle equipment must be returned, right down to the pens,
} pencils, and ASCII line art printouts of pterydactyls.
}
} Og ask why? Og ask O-ra-kul not like Og?
}
} Og, you've been a faithful worker for all these millenia, but your time
} is numbered. Look at this spam email I've just received.
}
} > From: nobody@nowhere.don't-even-try-to-get-yourself-deleted.com
} > To: The Internet Oracle (oracle@cs.indiana.edu)
} > Subject: ProTemp - The Proto-Human Temping Agency
} >
} > Dear Friend,
} >
} > DO YOU WANT TO SAVE BIG $$$$$$$$?????????????
}
} See, look how friendly they are. And they want us to save big money.
}
} > We've noticed your postings in sci.anthropology.paleo and thought you
} > would be interested in our new Proto-Human Temping Service.
} > Inexpensive, reliable, and you only have to pay for their services
} > when YOU NEED to hire a subhuman. Yes, no more subhumans hunting and
} > gathering in your office and leaving chips of flint all over the
} > place when you have no call for them. Hire our cave-temps, and save
} > big $$$$ today!!!!!!!!
}
} Orrie, you can't! You can't fire Og and replace him with part-time
} short term staff. It's not fair.
}
} Lisa, Lisa, I have to think about the future of our company. This isn't
} the 70s anymore, it's a tough world out there and we need to adapt to
} compete.
}
} Most knowledgable master, thou for whom the first seventeen million
} digits of PI are as easy to recall as is it for a puny human to
} remember his own age, we may have a problem.
}
} What is it Zadoc?
}
} Master, a sabre-tooth tiger is loose in the palace. It's eaten three
} supplicants, and has cornered Kendai.
}
} Orrie, see! You fired Og and now we need him. What are we going to do?
}
} You forget, I'm omniscient. I had already contacted the temping agency
} and a temp Homo Habilis is arriving right ..... now!
}
} GROK HERE! GROK BIG STRONG HUN-TER, EAT SABRE-TOOTH TIGER FOR
} BREAK-FAST GROK NOT USE ONE BIG SPIKY CLUB, GROK JUG-GLE MANY BIG SPIKY
} CLUB WITH HEAD WHILE HIT TI-GER BIG SPIKY CLUB EACH HAND.
}
} [Grok makes mincemeat of the tiger, although everyone notices that The
}  Oracle holds him back until the tiger has bitten Kendai a few more
}  times]
}
} GROK THINK MUCH FUN! GROK HAVE MUCH JOB SAT-IS-FAC-TION.
}
} Grok, you're a credit to, erm, your species. Great to have you around.
} Much better than ... what was the other guy's name again? *laugh*
}
} [Lisa glares at The Oracle]
}
} GROK ASK, O-RA-KUL WANT SIGN MANY YEAR CONTRACT SER-VICE MUCH
} DIS-COUNT?
}
} Sure, where do I .... sign .... done!
}
} GROK SAY SOR-RY, GROK GO NEXT JOB.
}
} Your next job?
}
} GROK PLAY BASS CON-CERT ROL-LING STONE. GROK GO SEE MICK. GROK BYE!
}
} You look happy with yourself Orrie *darling* [grown men wilt at the
} sarcasm], but I don't like it.
}
} Hey, you saw that Grok guy. What could be better than that?
}
} O most finely matured Oracle, thou to whom an ordinary mortal is a
} stream of bat's urine compared to a 1895 Chateau d' Rouge.
}
} Yes Zadoc?
}
} A herd of mammoths has made their way into the compound. What shall I
} do master?
}
} Don't worry, that's all. I've ordered another proto-human, and, erm, it
} should be arriving right about .... now.
}
} [A small test-tube comes through the mail-box]
}
} What the? what ..... this tube .... an AMOEBA????!!!!!!??????!!!??? Why
} the, where's that temping agency's phone number?
}
} > We're sorry you don't find our choice of proto-human satisfactory,
} > but we wish to point out to you that our contract clearly states that
} > we will provide a species in the human lineage less evolved than Homo
} > Sapiens. An amoeba clearly fits the described specification, and as
} > such we have fulfilled our contract. This is a recording. CLICK.
}
} The dirty rotten.....
}
} See, you fire Og, thinking you can cut corners, and look what happens!
} Og would have cleared out those Mammoths in a trice, but now they're
} still stamping around down there. My carpet is ruined! WAIL!
}
} Og here.
}
} [Pause for huge applause and cheers across nation, nay, world]
}
} Og! Og! All is forgiven. Og, clean out those mammoths will you?
}
} Og say, O-ra-kul give Og Og job back?
}
} Done!
}
} Og say, O-ra-kul let Og have cas-ual day?
}
} Done! Done!
}
} Og say, Og get rid of mammoth. Og say wait right here.
}
} [Huge crashing, trumpeting, and smashing from downstairs. Eventually
}  silence falls]
}
} Og fin-ish. Og say, Og go change cas-ual clothe.
}
} [In a few minutes Og and Ogwa return, dressed to the nines].
}
} Og! But, that, that's a pinstripe suit. Is that Yves Saint Laurent?
} But, that's hardly casual wear. I mean, the white shirt, and the tie.
}
} Og say, suit Chris-tian Di-or. Og say, Og work wear an-i-mal skin. Og
} say, suit not an-i-mal skin. Og think not work clothe, must be
} cas-ual.
}
} Ogwa dress Ar-ma-ni. Ogwa ask, O-ra-kul think suit Ogwa?
}
} Erm, ah, yes. But Og, how did you af-ford to buy these clothes?
}
} Og say much sim-ple. Og ga-ther Og friend, make Temp A-gen-cy. Og pull
} good trick, make mark sign big con-tract, send a-moe-ba. Og find much
} stu-pid per-son pay big $$$$$ get a-moe-ba sent round. Og set for Og
} life!
}
} You owe The Oracle an extremely satisfying way of extracting revenge on
} Og. And it must be long-lasting, and extremely painful.


1068-03    (1cqs7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who is never a square,
>
> What was the slang among teenagers in the U.S. in the A.D. 1950s really
> like?  I mean, do _Grease_ and _Bye Bye Birdie_ give an accurate
> portrayal of how adolescents talked back then?  Having not been around
> at that time, I must defer to your knowledge.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, supplicant, in the 1950's everyone - teenagers included -
} spoke in Shakespearean iambic pentameter; or occasionally blank verse.
} The sadly skewed view that we see in such shows as you mention comes
} solely from the fact that the actors in these dramas consisted entirely
} of failed Shakespearean actors.  As such they were completely unable
} to master the speech patterns of a mere 20 years earlier and so the
} writers needed to invent slang, which while alien and incomprehensible
} to the contemporary audience, was able to be mastered by the actors.
}
} For example, the line:
}
}     Greetings, most esteemed and wise elders!
}
} became:
}
}     Hey, daddy-o!
}
} Similarly, the surly and rebellious attitude portrayed by the actors in
} these movies and plays was a reflection of the _actors'_ failed dreams
} and smashed hopes - whereas in fact the teenagers of the 1950's were
} unfailingly polite and deferential towards their parents and other
} community leaders.
}
} Sadly, the truth of this remarkable era was removed from the public
} conciousness by the House Unamerican Activities Commission and
} Senator McCarthy, after said Senator pointed out that the Bard was,
} in fact, not American, and anyone who spoke the way that people had in
} England in the 1600's was clearly a pinko communist sympathiser and
} probably smelled bad too.  This led to a stampede in public opinion,
} and resulted in the abrupt adoption of the flat, nasal, and utterly
} unmelliflous tones emitted by US citizens to this very day, as well
} as the complete expunging of the culture of the day from the record.
}
} You owe the Oracle an original recordings of Elvis Presley's "You,
} sir, are naught but a base cur" and "Shoes which are bluer than a
} midsummer sky, yet made of the finest, softest suede".


1068-04    (3dknf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle:
>
>     My name is Sandy.  I am 8 years old and my little friends tell me
> there is no Virginia.  I thought that Virginia was between North
> Carolina and Maryland.  But no, my friends tell me that since there is
> a West Virginia, then the other state must be East Virginia.  I guess
> they must be right since there's a North and South Dakota and a North
> and South Carolina.  I asked my Daddy about it and he didn't know what
> to say.  He told me "If you see it in the Oracularity Digests, it MUST
> be true."  So please, Mr. Oracle could you please answer and digest
> this so I can know if there really is a Virginia?
>
>                                             Sincerely, S. Claus

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I take pleasure in answering thus prominently the supplication above,
} expressing at the same time my great gratification that its faithful
} author is numbered among the friends of The Oracle.
}
} Sandy, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the
} skepticism of a skeptical age, not to mention the fact that they all
} watch TV when they should be doing their geography homework. They do
} not believe except they see it on South Park. They think that nothing
} can be which is not the home of an animated cretin.  All minds, Sandy,
} whether they be men's or children's, are little, and the minds of
} non-supplicants are even littler than the minds of supplicants, if you
} can believe that.
}
} Yes, Sandy, there is a Virginia. It exists as certainly as lovers
} exist, you know, like on the bumper stickers, except that Lisa and I
} prefer warmer climates, where we can do things on the beach that I
} can't tell you about for years.  Alas! how dreary would be the world if
} there were no Virginia! It would be as dreary as if there were no Sandy
} Clauses.  Well, perhaps not quite that dreary, seeing as how Virginia
} is pretty darn close to Washington, D.C., which we all know we could
} live without pretty readily. But still, on the whole, Virginia is a
} good thing, because it keeps the Midwestern states from sliding off
} into the ocean.
}
} Not believe in Virginia! You might as well not believe in fairies. Just
} as San Francisco exists on the west coast, so Virginia exists on the
} east! Nobody admits that they live in Virginia, but that is no sign
} that there is no Virginia. The most real things in the world are those
} that neither children nor men can see.  Take me, for example.  Did you
} ever see The Oracle plunking down his $6.50 for the dinner buffet at
} KFC?  Of course not, but that's no proof that I don't like my chicken
} extra crispy.
}
} You tear apart your CD-ROM drive and see what makes the noise inside (I
} think it's a chip out of that Windows 95 CD your Daddy sailed into the
} wall last year), but there is a veil covering the unseen world which
} not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the
} strongest men that ever lived could tear apart, although of course I
} could have a fair shot at it.  Only faith, poetry, love, romance, can
} push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and
} glory beyond, at least without getting arrested for it.  Is it all
} real?  Ah, Sandy, in all this world there is nothing else real and
} abiding.
}
} No Virginia!  Thank God!  it will exist forever.  A thousand years from
} now, Sandy, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, assuming Saddam Hussein
} doesn't wig out and actually use all those hidden warheads, Virginia
} will continue to make glad the heart of tourists looking for a decent
} neighborhood to sleep in when they visit Washington.
}
} You owe the Oracle a heartwarming history of this little story, or at
} least a warm beach.


1068-05    (6fpk8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most graphic, whose Cthugha generates mind-stimulating 100fps
> 64 bit color baffling images, whose spamfilter is hopefully off-line
> for the moment, please spare me a tiny picosecond of your unlimited yet
> very valuable time, and answer this lowly coding supplicant's inferior
> question:
>
> I've created a Windows 95 port of the popular Linux based sound-imaging
> application. You can find it at
>
>   http://yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au/~pfh/synaesthesia.html
>
> (although the site appears to be down at the moment, but keep trying,
> I'm sure it will be back up in two shakes of a woodchuck's dingaling)
>
> It's only really in beta stage, but I can pretty much claim it will
> work on any machine with a 16-bit soundcard and a CD-Rom. Owning more
> than one soundcard and/or more than one CD-Rom player could cause
> problems, since I haven't been able to test that.
>
> Anyway, what I wanted to ask you: Could you please post a *really*
> funny reply, so this gets digested and I get a lot of free advertisment
> for my port? Thanks man!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Come on, lad, think big!  Haven't you noticed that the max number of
} votes on recent Oracularities is 89?  That's all well and good for
} omniscient beings who don't care a fig for what people think, but boy,
} you're going to need a higher response rate than that!
}
} So, thinking ahead as always, I've taken the liberty of submitting nude
} pictures of you with that w**dchuck dingaling to every major and minor
} porn site in the world, along with your name, email address, home
} address, phone number, shoe size, and a note in very small print about
} your hallucinogenic waveform wanker.  Soon you'll see the tremendous
} benefits of free advertising!
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing.  That look on the w**dchuck's face is
} thanks enough.


1068-06    (hnmb1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey, kids!!  Now get a free Shuggoth in every box of Sugar Coated
> Chthuloops!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And send in your proof-of-purchase to get a REAL LIVE Child of
} Shub-Niggurath for only $3.99!


1068-07    (9hud5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Er, Oh great Oracle, who can read... no, that's not right. Oh, wise
> Oracle, who knows why... No, everybody knows that. Oh, wise Oracle, who
> knows what... No, that would be considered rude... Oracle, most wise,
> who can... er ...understand... um ...episodes of the X-Files... er, no
> that not right ...Oh, great Oracle, who will forgive me if I don't
> grovel properly,
>
> I seem to have trouble, well, with my grovels. Can you give me any
> suggestions to improve my groveling technique?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Live with Lisa for a week.  She'll whip you into shape.
}
} You owe the Oracle a thesaurus and a pair of fur-lined handcuffs.


1068-08    (iom82 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Who are you?"
> "I'm the enchanting wizard of rhythm."
> "Why did you come here?"
> "I came here to teach you about the rhythms of the universe."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Is this included in the Beginner package?"
} "Yes, all of Arthur Murray's courses begin with basic rhythms.  Later
}  we'll work on the waltz and the foxtrot."


1068-09    (0avp8 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who knows everything,
>
> Recently, I received the following in a fortune cookie:
>
> "Dr. Forester, please consult your pineal gland."
>
> I am neither a doctor, nor am I named Forester. Did I receive the wrong
> fortune cookie, and if so, then what did mine say, and did Dr. Forester
> get it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, you did get the wrong fortune. Unfortunately, the magnitude of the
} error was much greater than you suspect. Dr. Forester did not receive
} your fortune; he received Michael Sentis' fortune, which read 'Hide the
} body underneath the leaves.' Mike, who is a Playboy photography, was
} trying to find a creative new layout for his 'Autumn' shoot. This
} advice had a very different meaning for Dr. Forester, whose wife had
} passed away in her sleep the night before.
}
} Your fortune was 'Turn out the light before you leave.' It has been
} sent to Julianne Montgomery, a lighthouse keeper in Maine. It is
} expected that this will have disasterous consequences, so I suggest you
} give her a telephone call right now to prevent any major catastrophes.
}
} Oh, and don't forget to turn the light out before you leave.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of 'I Ching for Dummies'.


1068-10    (7nx74 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise:
>
> What are the key phrases I need to learn if I want to understand The
> Fonz?  I've never seen _Happy Days_, as my skills in 50s slang are
> minimal.  I'm hoping if you deign to teach me, I shall understand this
> key portion of cultural heritage in the colonies -- er, the US.
>
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Supplicant:
}
} The subtleties and nuances of Americana circa 1950s are quite
} interesting. Equally as interesting is it to note that while _Happy
} Days_ was set in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA, the *Fonz* had a distinctly
} Brooklyn, New York accent.  And unlike his cheesehead brethren around
} him, he seemed to possess a certain worldliness about him that no doubt
} came from his early formative years (most likely in the Catskills or
} Off Off Off Broadway.  [Oracle aside: GAD i hope he didn't do any porn
} films or magazine shoots.]).  Still, the Fonz was but a simple
} mechanic, so there are only a few phrases that he could muster up.
} Here then is a fairly complete list (like I said, the man was no
} genius):
}
} AAAAY(yyyyyyyy)
} This word became a phrase in and of itself when extended beyond
} reasonable length.  It was used to denote all manner of things and in
} fact was usually used to entice the listener to beg for an explanation.
}
} OUT OF SIGHT
} This phrase was used to denote something that was good (not to mention
} the year which the Fonz would be able to legally hit on Joanie).
}
} CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'
} This referred to someone acting tough and out of line.  This may seem
} rare today as most folks are stuck to their terminals instead of
} actually being out and about, but....
}
} And there my dear British supplicant is the short and basic list of
} Arthur Fonzarelli memorable quotes.  Then again, one never expected an
} auto mechanic to expound upon the deeper sensibilities in life now did
} we?
}
} You owe the Oracle his tea and crumpets


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