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Internet Oracularities #107

Goto:
107, 107-01, 107-02, 107-03, 107-04, 107-05, 107-06, 107-07, 107-08, 107-09, 107-10


Usenet Oracularities #107    (17 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Jan 90 00:42:17 GMT

&&& I won't be sending out any Usenet Oracularities postings next week
&&& (Jan 21-26) while I'm away at Usenix.  The week's Oracularities will
&&& be read and considered for posting the following week.

@@@ Thanks to all of you who are sending in your ratings.  At some
@@@ point I'll have some statistics from these to report back to y'all.

*** Those of you who keep copies of the Oracularities ftp archives may
*** wish to ftp a script now located in pub/oracle/uo that conveniently
*** extracts individual postings from the archive files.

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ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

107   17 votes 01574 34460 04850 55331 04247 31652 12284 04472 15371 32543
107   3.2 mean  3.8   2.8   3.1   2.4   3.8   3.1   3.7   3.4   3.1   3.1


107-01    (01574 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How is one supposed to address an oracle, and am I supposed to
> capitalize 'oracle' ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         There are no strict protocols for addressing the Oracle.  The
} main consideration is that the address be respectful and/or
} complimentary, evidencing humility and awe.  Originality will often
} bring you well into the Oracle's special favor, and may even get you a
} date with Lisa.  Some examples od appropriate Oracular address:
}
} Oracle, without whom I am lost:
} O Great One:
} Oracle, who is so big, we're really impressed down here...
} O Oracle, who screams like a gypsy when aroused!
} My noble Lady, to whom I come on bended keyboard
} Child of the Sun, may I be the neXt to receive a Sparc of your wisdom
} Beautiful and Bright Oracle, Lady of the Night
} Hail Oracle, full of grace
} My Lord and Master the Oracle:
} One-Without-Whom-Rec.Humor-Has-No-Reason-To-Exist
} O Oracle, child of Delphi, who remembers when Life was Good!
} O awe-inspiring one!
} I come to You in great humility, for although I am not worthy to suck
}       your Oracular toes, I come to seek your Wisdom.
}
} The Oracle loves capital letters, but only at the beginnings of Words.
} ORACLE just looks like you are yelling.
}
} Innappropriate forms of address to the Oracle are as follows:
}
} oracel
} Auricle
} O Oracle Most Vice
} Pigface, Squidfingers, Lemur-tush, or any other combination of
}       animal + body part
} Hey Ugly!
} Dear Oracle (even though I know you're really a computer geek, just
}       like me!  :-)  )
} Jim Bakker!
} O One-Balled Wonder!
}
} If you keep to these guidelines, your answers should be given in a
} timely and pleasant fashion.
}
} You owe the Oracle a short devotional prayer tonight at midnight.


107-02    (34460 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Abstracts detract from my concrete life.
>       Psychotropics cause me strife.
>       Mental welfare passed me by;
>       Oracle, Tell me:  why oh why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Intellectual life you see,
} Is fine if you're as smart as me;
} But for someone of the unwashed mob,
} I suggest a real job.
}
} You owe the Oracle the head of an intellectual who doesn't know what
} he's talking about.


107-03    (04850 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does "splunge" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Splunge" - /splunj/ 1.  n.  The official copyrighted name of the
} combination of cake and cream in a Twinkie@.  2a.  The plasma/mattre
} state of the universe instantaneously following the Big Bang.  2b.
} Anyone resembling the plasma/mattrestate of the Universe instantaneously
} following the Big Bang.  3.  The centre of gravity of any of a wide
} variety of fruit flies indigenous to Madagascar.  4.  adj.  To appear as
} splunge.  5.  green on the outside yet purple within.  6.  adv.  To act
} as if one were splunge.  7.  With a dorky smile on one's face.  ex.  Dan
} Quayle walks splunge.  8.  v.  To kiss one's own ass.  ex.  Dan Quayle
} splunges splunge.  9.  To suck the filling out of any cake-like plastic.


107-04    (55331 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you ever dance with the devil by the pale moonlight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, what a Joker!


107-05    (04247 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To quote a great confuser:
>
> Confucious say, "Up with fission.  Confusion."
>
> What did he mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  It is a little known fact that Confucious was more than a great
} pontificator, (perhaps without peer).  He was the horniest bugger eyed
} cobber to ever grace the planet.  I mean this guy was a naughty rake, a
} lascivious imp, a randy tart.  He would boink the odd Housefrau then
} stay out of trouble later by saying something deep.  Back then, (as
} today) people really ate that shit up.
}
}  Confucious had a dream that, one day, man would have a sexual
} experience that would totally bypass the need to stuff the salami with
} another married lady, and would not result in a crippling case of tennis
} elbow.  In short, Confucious believed in the possibility of human
} biological fission, (the ability of the parent organism to divide into
} two or more parts, each becoming an independent individual).  After a
} lifetime of study involving alchemy, the old boy did it.  One dark and
} stormy night, he split himself into two seperate beings.  The local
} peasants found them both, sitting on a pile of smoking violets, sharing
} a mentholated cigarette.  As it turned out, both of the new Confucious'
} were more tawdry than the original.  Many an evening one, or both, of
} the new fellows were seen performing cheap and sleazy acts to the
} consternation of the town's married men.  The story ended in a large
} amount of confusion, (just as Confucious predicted) when a local farmer
} pushed one of the Confucious' off of a second story ledge where he had
} been hiding after an interrupted session of "The Lonely Milkmaid and the
} Naughty Convict".  The peasant was arrested and later acquitted for
} making an obscene clone fall, (cough).
}
}  You owe the Oracle another shaggy dog.


107-06    (31652 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who's the leader of the Club that's made for you and me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} D-A-N
} 4-T-H
} Q-U-A-L-E
}
} Danforth Quayle..
}   (danforth quayle!)
} Danforth Quayle..
}   (danforth quayle!)
} Rah!
} Rah!
} Rah!
} rah..
} rah..
} rah
}
} oops.
}
} Why, it's Mickey Mouse, of course.
}
} You Owe the Oracle another embarassing moment.


107-07    (12284 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh wise and all knowing Oracle, whose wisdom ignites the seas,
> whose every thought is more wonderous and bright than the Fourth Of
> July, whose very breath can impart the knowledge of the stars into
> words, whose keyboard aches in lust to feel your fingertips rub its
> keys, your delicate yet manly typing sliding along its warm, soft
> curves, your lips pressing against...
> *ahem*
> ...whose sage advice moves mountains, thrusting them into the air in
> explosions of power, spurting over and over and OH GOD, YES!!  YES YES
> YESYESYES!!!!
>
> NO CARRIER

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The oracle has gazed into the fire and seen a vision which has formed
} in the clouds with your face in it.  You will begin your journey where
} the river flows into the sea.  You will start at this mouth.  Open,
} warm, inviting you do spend hours exploring its territory.  If you are
} athirst, you may lean over and dip your tongue into the beckoningly into
} the mouth.  You will continue your journey setting your sights towards
} the twin peaks.  Your hands reach out, achingly.  You close your eyes
} and continue sailing.  The mouth is warm on your rudder, you arch your
} back and reach again for the peaks.  Wave after wave come crashing over
} you and just when you think you can go no further, you wake on the
} beach.


107-08    (04472 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that I have to go and fall in love with a girl 150 miles away,
> and then go and crash my car on the way to see her so that I have to pay
> out vast amounts of money for repairs, and do you think this could be
> why I am just a mite pissed off ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't blame me - I had a nice girl picked out for you just across town.
} My inquiries indicate that Aphrodite has randomly selected you from a
} list of thousands for Her annual "Travails of Love" sweepstakes.  Enter
} now and you could win the grand prize:  a no-expenses-paid trip of
} aggravation and bitterness and a little joy through the rest of your
} life.
}
} PS:  If you don't enter, you are guaranteed the consolation prize, which
}      is exactly the same as the grand prize, without any joy.


107-09    (15371 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I really want to ask you a question, but I don't know what to
> ask.  What should I ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a meta-question.  I'll have to ask the meta-oracle.  Hang on a
} second.
}
} % cat > question
} What should I ask you?
} ^D
} % mail -s "tell me" meta-oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu < question
}
} Dum-te-dum-te-dum...
}
} waiting...
}
} still waiting.......
}
} I wonder if he had to refer that to the meta-meta-article?
}
} still waiting...
}
} !!!! NEW MAIL FOR oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu !!!!
}
} % mailx
}     1 meta-oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 19 16:50 infinite/infinit
} e The Meta-Oracle replies!
} ? q
}
} I'm terribly sorry, the response from the Meta-Oracle seems to be
} infinite in length.  While that is fine for local mail, I'm afraid the
} backbone would cut me off if I tried to send it to you.
}
} Sorry.
}
} You don't owe the Oracle anything...  including any stupid or inane
} questions.


107-10    (32543 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you think people using oracle have any idea that there are also
> BITNET users using oracle ?  Do you have any messages for us, IBM/VM
> users ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *warm smile* My child, to the Oracle, there is no "Bitnet" or "Telnet"
} or division according to technology!  All the children of God are One,
} in the Oracles eyes.  All are welcome to use the Oracle, even the
} unwashed heathen who use Wangs, Ataris, and non-Mac non-PC
} compatibles...now go, and debug no more.
} AND GET A REAL COMPUTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Commodore VIC-20


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