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Internet Oracularities #1072

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Internet Oracularities #1072    (73 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1999 10:03:37 -0500 (EST)

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1072  73 votes 2awo5 2cDh3 4amlg 2juk2 19fjt 2inl9 4iA96 itda3 5nv95 6lrd6
1072  3.1 mean  3.3   3.1   3.5   3.0   3.9   3.2   2.9   2.3   2.8   2.9


1072-01    (2awo5 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, so great and mighty, whom's car is always glistening like wet
> pavement...
>   Why is it that whenever I wash my car, it rains out... but whenever
> I think about washing my car while stuck in the office, it's Sunny out?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What most Supplicants fail to realise is that humans share their world
} with all kinds of other cultures. Obviously, there is myself, up here
} in Olympus (near Shoeburyness); Tooth Faeries, who cause dental decay
} (and have also sewn up the market in tooth recycling, much to the
} amusement of the MMC [Monopolies and Myths Commission]); Gremlins,
} whose job it is to kill people in ever-more innovative and implausible
} fashions; and Arse Goblins, who are responsible for causing rectal
} itching.
}
} Perhaps less well-known are the Precipitative Pixies, who live behind
} the glass of cars' wing mirrors. Normally shy, quiet creatures, they
} are flushed out and (understandably) thoroughly peeved by people who
} wash their cars without first putting some form of protective covering
} over their wing mirrors. Once in the open, they respond to being
} disturbed by causing rain. Simple, innit?
}
} If you were to take a few precautions when washing your car -- such as
} putting a shower cap over the wing mirrors, and a sponge under the rear
} license plate, so that the Registration Elves have a soft landing
} (which makes them less inclined to trip the speed cameras as you drive
} past) -- you will find driving will become a cheaper, safer and drier
} occupation.
}
} You owe The Oracle some soft toilet paper.


1072-02    (2cDh3 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, for whom nothing is too much trouble, and who never
> has problems telling anyone anything please answer my simple request;
>
> How can I tell my parents my girlfriend is pregnant?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd suggest telling them some other horrifying stuff first, such as;
}
} 'Dad, I drove your brand new BMW into the lake, and the dog is still
} in it.'[1]
}
} 'I was out all night drinking the night before my PoliSci final, so
} I'm in need of another year's tuition.'[2]
}
} 'I was arrested for DUI after a 3 hour high speed chase, could you
} send bail money to the Sheriff's office in Bumfuct Arizona?'[3]
}
} 'I was shooting up heroin with my buddies and contracted a rare form
} of Albanian Flu, we'll have to remain quarantined here until we die to
} avoid causing a plague that'll wipe out half the world's
} population.'[4]
}
} Of course, none of that will make it go over any easier.  Besides, I'd
} be more worried about how you'll tell *her* parents.  I'd suggest
} international long distance phone call, preferably intercontinental.
}
} [1]:  Works best if Dad owns a brand new BMW.  For those Dads who
} don't, substitute a more appropriate car model.  Probably won't work
} at all if Dad drives a POSC.
}
} [2]:  Helps if you haven't already dropped out of school.  Also, try
} to get the money in cash.
}
} [3]:  Some advance planning can make this one your best bet.  Rent a
} PO box in Bumfuct Arizona, be sure you have them send cash or a check
} you can cash.
}
} [4]:  Sneeze.  At least twice.


1072-03    (4amlg dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... and the cop said, "So that's why I'm arresting your cat."
>
> Oh Oracle most wise, the preceding statement appeared in today's
> "Beetle Bailey" as the punchline of a joke.  Unfortunately, the rest of
> the joke was before the first panel, so all the readers are left in the
> dark, except one can infer that it isn't a particularly funny joke.
>
> So now I'm burning with curiosity.  How does the joke begin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A policeman was walking by the Physics department when he noticed the
} two great physicists, Schrodinger and Dirac, having a heated argument.
} Dirac is holding a newspaper, and sitting beside the Schrodinger on the
} ground is a large black box. Fearing the argument may be getting out of
} hand, the cop approaches them.
}
} "What seems to be the problem?"
}
} Schrodinger points to Dirac and says, "Herr Dokter Dirac ist talking
} nonsense!"
}
} "No, I was merely saying.."
}
} "Wait, wait," said the cop, "Start at the beginning."
}
} "Vell, about tventy billion years ago.."
}
} "No, no," said the cop, "The beginning of the argument!"
}
} "Vell you should be more specific. Ve vere reading today's Beetle
} Bailey.. hoo, zat Sarge cracks me up!.. und in ze first panel is ze
} punchline of a joke. '... und ze cop said, "So zat's why I'm arresting
} your cat."' Und I simply said zat I vundered vhat ze rest of ze joke
} vas. And zen zis dumbkopf.."
}
} Then Dirac interrupts, "I was just applying your own ideas about
} quantum mechanics, Erwin. You see officer, Erwin has designed this
} clever experiment to illustrate the ideas of quantum mechanics, about
} reality being dependent on the observer."
}
} "Oh yeah."
}
} Dirac points at the box. "Erwin put his cat Muffy inside this box with
} a vile of poison and a harmless radioactive sample. If the radioactive
} sample decays, a mechanism breaks the vile and the cat dies. "
}
} "You don't like your cat very much, do you Dr. Schrodinger?"
}
} "Is my vife's cat. Ugly zing, messes in my rose garden."
}
} Dirac continues, "The point is that the radioactive decay is a quantum
} process. Therefore according to quantum mechanics, unless we open the
} box and observe the results, the cat's state is undetermined. It's
} neither dead nor alive. Or both at the same time, if you will."
}
} "You physicists are just plain goofy. So what's that got to do with
} Beetle Bailey?"
}
} Schrodinger throws up his hands. "So Herr Dirac now is saying zat ze
} joke is also in ze undetermined state, since zere is no observer
} outside ze comic to see it, and zat it is zerefore impossible to know
} vhat ze joke is!"
}
} Dirac said, "Well obviously the rest of the joke took place before the
} first panel, so therefore no one could observe it. So the most we can
} say is that the joke exists as a probability density function.."
}
} The cop interrupts: "Okay, so let me get this straight - the cat in the
} box is both dead and alive at the same time, and the joke's impossible
} to know because it's just a probability, and it's all cause of this
} crazy quantum mechanics?"
}
} "Yes, that's right, officer," said Dirac
}
} "Okay, I'm putting you both under arrest for causing a public
} disturbance. And for general looniness."
}
} Schrodinger said, "But he's ze loony, not me!"
}
} "The cat's either alive, or it's dead. It can't be both."
}
} "But ze cat really IS both dead und alive!"
}
} ... and the cop said, "So that's why I'm arresting your cat."


1072-04    (2juk2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who has never had to sit waiting by the
> phone, or, in this day and age, the Inbox, please enlighten your humble
> supplicant:
>
> Is she ever going to write back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'd have to say both yes and no to this question, dear
} Supplicant.  For the 'yes' answer: you *will* recieve a response; her
} prose will be so uplifting, so elegant, so compelling that you'll be
} swept off your feet in a rush of unbridled emotion, and, in a moment
} of mad love, respond to her, asking to meet her in person.
}
} That brings us to the 'no' answer: technically, the answer is no,
} because, as you'll learn when you meet her in person, she isn't
} actually a she.
}
} This will, understandably, place a strain on the relationship.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape of The Crying Game.


1072-05    (19fjt dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who can beat Doom in Nightmare mode,
>
> What would "Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence" be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INTERNET ORACLE
} GAME REVIEW OF THE MONTH:
}
} Duke Nukem: A Critique of Pure Violence
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} Just how much mileage can a games manufacturer get out of a single
} product? If the product is DN3D, an almost unlimited amount,
} apparently. The Plutonium Pak, Atomic Edition, Nuclear Winter, Life's a
} Beach... the list of add-ons seems endless. The cry goes up: oh, for
} some new weapons, some new baddies, some new anything!
}
} Take heart, all you shoot-em-up slugfest-loving psychopaths out there:
} with "A Critique of Pure Violence", Dukey enters a whole new dimension!
} Gone are the tattered old Troopers and Pig Cops, to be replaced by
} kick-ass Stoics, Sophists and Neo-Pythagoreans. Hell, these guys will
} argue that pleasure is irrelevant to the attainment of happiness as
} soon as look at you, and stir-fry your nuts to prove it! And the human
} females are much more interactive than before! Go up to the go-go girls
} in the red light district bar, wave some money under their noses and
} they'll expound the empiricism of Francis Bacon to you till you cry
} "uncle".
}
} You have some really neat new weapons to try out too, such as the
} Phenomenological Cannon and the Concept of Dread Bomb. And there's
} a Boss Philosopher at the end of each level!
}
} Once again, the game is powered by the Quake engine, but now it has
} sound and graphics to die for (or from!) Okay, so the minimum spec is
} a P266 MicroCray with 1064 Mflops RAM and a liquid nitrogen-cooled 3D
} accelerator. But once you've got the hardware sorted, the AI of the
} baddies will impress the socks off you! If you thought Kierkegaard's
} satires of Hegelian Rationalism were biting, wait till these guys
} sink their fangs into your dialectics!
}
} To give too much away at this stage would spoil all the fun, so this
} review will restrict itself to describing the demo version only. This
} consists of four levels:
}
} 1. Pluralism - The Parmenideans come at you thick and fast from the
}    very start, claiming there are four material elements and two
}    forces, and that these can neither come into being nor pass away.
}    You counter with Zeno's Paradox which freezes them into immobility,
}    at which point you can blow them away with your shotgun. The Boss
}    Philosopher of this level is Anaxagoras of Clazomenae (looking
}    vaguely like the alien from the "Predator" series), who will try to
}    convince you that everything is contained within everything else as
}    a prelude to chopping you into infinitely small particles.
}
} 2. The Doctrine of God's Will - Blasting and debating your way through
}    a medieval dungeon, the pressure never lets up. No sooner have you
}    established the validity of Anselm's proof of the existence of God
}    than you are faced with a slavering, 12-foot, razon-wielding death-
}    merchant. Yes, it's William of Ockham, looking not a little like
}    Strife out of "Hercules: The Legendary Journeys". When this guy
}    says human reason alone is insufficient to reach the truth, you
}    believe him!
}
} 3. Logical Positivism - It may be true that there's nothing Nietzsche
}    couldn't teach you about breaking people's heads, but here it's
}    Wittgenstein that's the bolshy swine who radically denies the
}    meaningfulness of metaphysics by ripping out the intestines of
}    anyone who approaches him with unverifiable assertions about moral,
}    esthetic or religious values. Take your existentialism in your left
}    hand, your rocket launcher in your right, and proceed with extreme
}    caution.
}
} 4. Marxism - And what better way to round off a binge of blood and
}    brain cells than with the Bearded Behemoth of the Bourgeoisie
}    himself? If you can separate this sucker from his Kapital without
}    resorting to revolutionary action (or even cheat codes), you're
}    ready for the commercial game!
}
} Your reviewer unhesitatingly awards DN:ACOPV his coveted Gold Medal
} for sheer gut-wrenching, mind-bending, adrenaline-surging nihilism.
} But remember, you need skill as well as an unquenchable bloodlust to
} win. As Dukey himself says, "I think, therefore I aim."
}
} Like hell he does!


1072-06    (2inl9 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I bow down and lick the camel dung off your sandals as a
> minor gesture to your greatness. In offering to you I hug
> this porcupine, step on this rake and sit on this cactus.
> I hold onto this red hot poker and ignore the steaming pain,
> and I work as a slave for Zadoc. I worship and grovel to you.
> Please, if it pleases you to answer me one simple query..
> please I beg of thee oh might powerful one:
>    one or two?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh. That felt good. Really good.
}
} You know, I don't remember the last time someone came up with a really
} decent grovel for Me. Not like the old days. We had real groveling back
} then, with graven images and nubile virgins and pyramids and temples
} and coliseums built in My name. Sometimes a grovel would go on for so
} long that the supplicant would forget the original question -
} sometimes, in fact, grovels were passed on down through the
} generations, with child after child after child abasing themselves
} enthusiastically in the fervent hope that some day they would reach a
} point where they could actually ask Me something.
}
} But not any more. Your grovel, though, was refreshing enough that I'm
} going to give you the straight answer, without any vagueness or
} enigmatic riddles or evasions or twisted meanings:
}
} It doesn't matter which door you open. You're dead either way.
}
} You owe the Oracle a legacy.


1072-07    (4iA96 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle!
> Is Bill Gates year 2000 compatible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What a ridiculous question! Old Bill has been thoroughly checked out by
} a team of highly trained Microsoft Certified Technicians and guaranteed
} fully compliant. One was heard to comment that it was surprising
} really, as he's pretty uncompliant about everything else.
}
} And so, given the unprecedented reputation of MCTs in the computing
} industry, I'm sure you now have the answer to your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to Bill's New Years Eve party, so I can
} watch the meltdown firsthand.


1072-08    (itda3 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why *ZOT*?  Why can't you just smite people like a normal god?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, let's see you try it. Mortal ingrate. No soup for you! ZOT!
} for you!
}
} For your punishment, the Oracle instructs you to cover your naked body
} with mousse and run down Eisenhower Avenue shouting, "I'm cleaning
} my oven! I'm cleaning my oven!"


1072-09    (5nv95 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> How can I convince them to quit using homing rockets?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *hits forhead with palm of hand*
}
} Homing /rockets/?  Why would anyone want a homing rocket?
}
} Now, homing pigeons made sense. They come back to base.
} Do they really want to have the rockets do that?
}
} Well... ok. So they shall!
}
} You owe the Oracle a gathering of all the commanding
} officers at the base for the next rocket demonstration.


1072-10    (6lrd6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: <MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle most wise, who enjoys talking to Bud Abbot about mutual
> funds and Vlad Tempes about political theory...
>
> I recently heard that somebody is planning to make "Syd and Harry meet
> Cthulu". What would such a movie be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Greetings, supplicant.
}
} The Oracle is afraid that you've been mislead - the actual title of the
} film is "When Harry Met Cthulhu". I've got the trailer stored somewhere
} in my vast databanks... hold on a second...
}
} <Fade to black.>
} <A horrific image appears - Billy Crystal (BC) in a bright red
} tracksuit jogging around a park.>
}
} Voice-over by BC: It all started when I picked up the 'Necromancicon:
} How to Evoke The Old Ones and Pick up Chicks' by Agony Aunthazred.
} Admittedly, the results were a little different from what I expected...
}
} <cut to montages of BC messing about while cheesy theme music plays>
}
} Cheesy narrator: Walt Dagon pictures presents the comedy of the aeon.
} He's a comedian who's career is on the slide, She's a squid faced Old
} One from outside time.
}
} <Cut to interior of a restauant. BC and Cthulhu are sitting at a
} table.>
}
} BC: I can tell if an Old One's faking an orgasm.
} Cthulhu: G'th'fd fthag f'snhnagtal orgasm.
} BC: You can try, but I'll know you're faking it.
} Cthluhu: Phnaa'thn.... Phnaa'thn.... Phnaaaaaaaaaa'athn...
} Phnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa'thn
}
} <Cut to Shub-Niggurath>
}
} Shub-Nigurath: Graaakmat baaathrak
}
} <Sub title: I'll have what she's having>
}
} <Trailer ends, displaying the credits for about half a second:
}
} When Harry Met Cthlhu
}
} A Walt Dagon Production
}
} Starring: Billy Crystal, Cthulhu, Charlton Hastur, Peter O'Ghoul, Bud
} Abhoth.
}
} Directed by Charlie Shub
}
} Screenplay by Cecil B de Mi-Go
}
} Animals provided by: Yuggoth Animal Training School
}
} Sound track by Yig Jagger and The Rolling Dholes and Cthulhu's Starry
} Wisdom Band>
}
} You owe the oracle a kiss from Cthulhu.


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