[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:53:53 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1073

Goto:
1073, 1073-01, 1073-02, 1073-03, 1073-04, 1073-05, 1073-06, 1073-07, 1073-08, 1073-09, 1073-10


Internet Oracularities #1073    (75 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 25 Jan 1999 08:26:29 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1073
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1073  75 votes hvn22 3bwo5 3gtk7 cym52 5bllh 5gno7 3bukb 5gsec chub5 7lpca
1073  3.0 mean  2.2   3.2   3.2   2.3   3.5   3.2   3.3   3.2   2.7   3.0


1073-01    (hvn22 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle yadda yadda yadda, who is normally pretty studly but
> whose last response to this question I found unhelpful so I'm asking
> again,
>
> Should I stay in school and get my master's, or sell out and go work
> somewhere for not quite a zillion dollars but a heck of a lot more than
> a student typically makes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It may be a little work, but there's no reason you can't do both. And,
} in some cases, your employer may pay for a portion of the tuition if
} you're working in the same field you're studying.
}
} Of course, you'll have to give up a few things, like, well, anything
} fun. But, you'll be rolling in dough and be heading toward a master's
} degree.
}
} Helpful enough?
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Cliff's Notes on anything by Dave Barry.


1073-02    (3bwo5 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great and wonderous Oracle, for whom "Meeting Joe Black" is an
> unlikely experience,
>
> What experience have you had with death? Is it something to look
> forward to, or should I be afraid?
>
> Many thanks,
>
> The Confused Supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, friend, there's nothing to fear about Death as long as you follow
} these simple guidelines.
}
} 1) Offer Death some candy, or a drink, or some gum.  He has, after
} all, just completed the long trip across the cosmic void with the sole
} purpose of picking you up and making the long trip again.
}
} 2) Speaking of which, it IS a long trip.  If you have to go to the
} bathroom, go now.
}
} 3) If you decide to play Death at chess, do not attempt the Ruy Lopez.
} He is an expert at the Marshall Attack.
}
} 4) If you happen to die in a group accident -- which is, of course,
} another question altogether that you didn't ask -- do NOT try to get
} the passenger seat by calling "shotgun."  Death usually picks up his
} girlfriend Tracy along the way, and of course she rides shotgun.
} Asking for it can only lead to embarassment on both sides.
}
} 5) Remember that you're not allowed to take any earthly posessions
} with you.  Happily, this includes clothes, so if you can help it, plan
} to die with an attractive member of the opposite sex.  This can make
} the trip much more enjoyable.  (And don't worry about Death watching,
} laughing, and making necrophilia jokes for the umpteenth time.)
}
} Hope this helps!
}
} The Oracle
}
} PS. You owe me $75 worth of earthly posessions.  Don't sweat it.  You
} can't take 'em with you anyway.


1073-03    (3gtk7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, immune to procrastination, bless me with your infinite
> fountain of wisdom, a mere droplet of which would satisfy any man for
> many lifetimes..
>
> I have a temporary job which finishes tomorrow.  They have not really
> been watching me very closely, but tomorrow morning I have a meeting,
> where I will have to talk about what I have accomplished.  I haven't
> done so well. In fact, I have done less than a third of what I should
> have.  But since tomorrow is my last day, and since they left me alone,
> (even though I asked them to visit me) they can't really do much to me.
> Oh Oraculous one, should I scramble to finish by tomorrow, or just
> take it like a man, or do something entirely different to see that I
> survive tomorrow?
>
> Help me, wonderous Oracle, I am frightened!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Fear not, o quivering mass of supplicant! Salivation is at hand!
}
}       Come closer... what I'm about to tell you is limited to a
} precious few in Dilbert-Land. There's a top-secret agency that exists
} solely to help people like yourself out of situations exactly like
} this. This agency is called...
}
}       <insert creepy organ note> MESA. The Meeting Escapees Service
} Agency. They operate in deep-cover mode from a secret base miles
} beneath the Arizona desert, and it is believed that MESA has been
} responsible for the majority of black helicopter sightings across
} the country.
}
}       To enlist their aid, send your plea 24 hours in advance to
} postmaster@mouse-potato.com, with 'MESAMBIQUE' as the subject line
} (notice that the address, between its words, contains the letters
} MESA in proper sequence).
}
}       The following day, minutes before the meeting, something will
} happen that will cause it to be postponed or cancelled, and you may
} then quietly depart with no further worries. The exact details of the
} distraction can vary tremendously, and are not known outside of MESA
} until the actual event, but past exploits have included:
}
}       * Scott Adams storms in, armed with his sketchboard, and proceeds
} to draw parodies of all present into his 'Dilbert' strips as the
} meeting progresses.
}
}       * The local fire department (or what appears to be the local fire
} department) will crash the event and declare a safety hazard due
} to multiple incendiary personalities present. They will then force
} everyone to wear full-body heat protection suits.
}
}       * The building transformer will be blown up, resulting in
} a company-wide blackout.
}
}       * An impromptu parade, featuring all the characters from 'The
} Simpsons' as floats, will wind its way through the corridors of your
} employer (or along the street outside if it's a small building).
}
}       * A dozen skunks, not in the least descented, will be released
} into the room at the opportune moment (should this be the tactic
} chosen, you will be provided with a set of nose plugs prior to the
} meeting).
}
}       * (This one is used only in extreme cases with meetings of
} thirty or more people). Hidden devices in the meeting room will shower
} everyone present with what, at first sense, appears to be water.
} What it will actually be is a chemical suspension containing pure
} pheromone gathered from multiple female deer at the peak of their
} 'receptive' cycle.
}
}       Moments later, at least two dozen mature male elks, and five
} mature male mooses, all in rut, will be released into the area
} (should this be the tactic chosen, you will be provided in advance
} with a protective suit to wear under your clothes. This suit will
} be impregnated with anti-pheromones to counteract the spray and make
} the critters leave you alone).
}
}       MESA is very good at what they do, and I do not invoke them
} lightly.  However, it sounds like they will be the best way out of
} your current situation. No matter what tactic is used, they guarantee
} that you will be able to make your escape unscathed (although a shower
} is recommended ASAP).
}
}       You owe the Oracle a new black helicopter. A Hughes 500 series
} will do nicely.


1073-04    (cym52 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, I'm driving to work this morning, listening to Morning Edition (TM)
> on NPR, when they announce that you're a "Proud sponsor of National
> Public Radio."  When did this happen?  Did Carol finally pester you
> enough?  Don't get me wrong, NPR is a great institution, but I never
> really thought it was your style.
>
> Anyway, thanks for keeping NPR on the air.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, y'know, I had to clean things up a bit. They won't let you
} smoke those big stogies in the studio and cursing like a sailor is
} right out as well. They told me the two call girls that I promised
} could tag along had to stay outside the booth, but that's alright
} since it actually boosted their revenues.
}
} The gig came about when Cokie called me up on my cell phone last
} November and said, "Orrie, baby. My producers were wondering if you'd
} like to do a little stint on NPR. You'd just have to pop in once a week
} or so and tape a few segments for the week." I wasn't sure if that's
} what I wanted to do with my time, since I enjoy answering questions
} all day and night up on this hill. But when she mentioned the cash,
} I thought "what the heck...I can upgrade the server, get some of
} those Cuban stogies and still have enough left over for the girls.
} Carl had nothing to do with it. She just sits around on her fat ass
} all day watching Ricki Lake. Guess someone has to.
}
} Anyway, thanks for appreciating the segments. One day, I'll have
} to give 'em a listen myself. You know, for quality control and all.
} In the meantime, it's back to the daily grind of answering questions
} (and my fan mail).
}
} You owe the Oracle a bowl of M&M's, without the green ones.


1073-05    (5bllh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh everknowing oracle, knowing.. erm.. all,
>
> What happens if I send a slinky down an escalator going up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, one of five things will happen:
}
} 1. Someone will "accidently" trip over the Slinky and sue you for
}    causing Pain and Suffering, earning him/herself enough money to buy
}    1,000,000 Slinkies.  Some of these Slinkies will then get dropped
}    down escalators, causing more people to trip, and a highly
}    profitable pyramid scheme to be started.
}
} 2. The Slinky will block the traffic on the escalator, and someone
}    will have to wait until the next day to get the Furby he/she had
}    planned on buying.  This will cause him/her Mental Anguish, and
}    he/she will sue you for enough money to buy 10,000,000 Slinkies.
}    Some of these Slinkies will get dropped down escalators, causing
}    more people to either trip or become Anguished, and an even more
}    profitable pyramid scheme to be started.
}
} 3. A child will find the Slinky and attempt to swallow it.  In
}    addition to spending time in jail for having removed the "WARNING:
}    Not a food item.  Do not remove this tag under penalty of federal
}    law" label, you will be sued for Wrongful Esophagus Damage, and
}    the child's parents will earn enough money to purchase several of
}    the smaller Egyptian pyramids.
}
} 4. A member of the National Association of People Repressed by White
}    Anglo-Saxon Protestants will see the Slinky and become offended,
}    thinking that the Slinky/Escalator combination is an ancient Native
}    American symbol.  He/she and his/her Indian tribe will sue you for
}    Offending an Easily Offended Person, and will make enough money to
}    drain Pyramid Lake, Nevada, and turn the resulting land into a
}    500,000-room resort-casino complex.
}
} 5. The Slinky will remain on the escalator until in it evolves into a
}    sentient life form, at which point it will kill every human being
}    on the planet in a massive nuclear attack.  The law firm of
}    Zoogoth, Zoogoth, Slarwslartop, and Bzornok will sue your corpse
}    for the Harmful Release of Hazardous Radioactive Materials, and
}    will end up earning enough money to reshape the Milky Way Galaxy
}    into a large, ugly pyramid.
}
} You owe the Oracle an early end to the '90s.


1073-06    (5gno7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   "All wish to know, but none to pay the fee."
>                       -- Juvenal (60-140 AD)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I guess that explains why, in so many years of doing Oracularities,
} none of you cheap supplicants have ever sent me a single one of the
} things I requested as a gift.
}
} You owe the Oracle......  ahhhh, where's the point? You'll never give
} it to me.


1073-07    (3bukb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, chief criminal of the ages, what is the most evil and
> sinister way to earn $4.80?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Left handed gopher bashing... oh wait, that's the most
} weevil and sinister way.
}
} Organizing a bachelor auction of senior citizens... oh wait,
} that's the most evil and spinster way.
}
} Breaking open a vending machine with a ballista... oh wait,
} that's the most medievil and sinister way.
}
} Polishing stairwell railings with the bubonic plague... oh wait,
} that's the most evil and banister way.
}
} Equipping Serbian clowns with semi-automatic weapons for their
} Bosnian tour... oh wait, that's the most carnival and sinister
} way.
}
} Hmmm... I have no idea what you're talking about.
}
} You owe the Oracle $4.00 (plus a 20% surcharge).


1073-08    (5gsec dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, do you think it would be alright, if I just crashed here
> tonight?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} dear Perplexed Pilot
}
} I would suggest you check with the passengers first.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of 'What Color is Your Parachute?'


1073-09    (chub5 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, this has been troubling me for a while now:
>
> Every time I turn my head to the right, I hear a three note tune,
> similar to the one that you get when you call a number that has been
> disconnected.  I have been to several professionals, and they can't
> seem to figure it out. So please, oh Great One, tell me what is this
> all about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This means that you are doing what you know in your heart is right,
} and calling out to the LORD your savior, the almighty Jesus Christ!
} Only He can lead you through this world of sin and temptation, and
} provide the guiding light that we *all* need from time to time!  Only
} He can forgive your sins, and lead you away from Satan and on to the
} path to eternal happiness!
}
} Unfortunately, He has forgotten to pay His telephone bill, and you'll
} have to try again later.  Be careful not to die too soon.
}
} You owe the Oracle $3.95 for the first minute, and $2.95 for each
} minute thereafter.


1073-10    (7lpca dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant rant
> rant rant rant rant rant rant rant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Really, 623 questions?  You didn't even give a decent grovel --
} Really A Nice Tome?  What exactly do you think I am, a book of some
} kind?
}
} Because I really AM a nice omnipotent being, I have decided to answer
} a few of your questions:
}
} #63) No, I am not Royally Against NT.
} #147) Well, I am Rough And NaughTy, but that really isn't any of your
} business, now is it?
} #387) Red And Navy do not make Teal.
} #501) Yes it is Rude to Anger Native Tomcats -- it's also somewhat
} dangerous, but don't let that stop you either.
} #600) Richly deserving of Antiquated Northern Tissue? -- That's gonna
} be your call.  I ain't following you in there -- especially after
} #601 -- Ringworm Around Nether Tissues -- Try Anusol or Preparation H
} mixed with Tinactin -- but consult a physician first.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org