} Fear not, o quivering mass of supplicant! Salivation is at hand!
} Come closer... what I'm about to tell you is limited to a
} precious few in Dilbert-Land. There's a top-secret agency that exists
} solely to help people like yourself out of situations exactly like
} this. This agency is called...
} <insert creepy organ note> MESA. The Meeting Escapees Service
} Agency. They operate in deep-cover mode from a secret base miles
} beneath the Arizona desert, and it is believed that MESA has been
} responsible for the majority of black helicopter sightings across
} the country.
} To enlist their aid, send your plea 24 hours in advance to
} email@example.com, with 'MESAMBIQUE' as the subject line
} (notice that the address, between its words, contains the letters
} MESA in proper sequence).
} The following day, minutes before the meeting, something will
} happen that will cause it to be postponed or cancelled, and you may
} then quietly depart with no further worries. The exact details of the
} distraction can vary tremendously, and are not known outside of MESA
} until the actual event, but past exploits have included:
} * Scott Adams storms in, armed with his sketchboard, and proceeds
} to draw parodies of all present into his 'Dilbert' strips as the
} meeting progresses.
} * The local fire department (or what appears to be the local fire
} department) will crash the event and declare a safety hazard due
} to multiple incendiary personalities present. They will then force
} everyone to wear full-body heat protection suits.
} * The building transformer will be blown up, resulting in
} a company-wide blackout.
} * An impromptu parade, featuring all the characters from 'The
} Simpsons' as floats, will wind its way through the corridors of your
} employer (or along the street outside if it's a small building).
} * A dozen skunks, not in the least descented, will be released
} into the room at the opportune moment (should this be the tactic
} chosen, you will be provided with a set of nose plugs prior to the
} * (This one is used only in extreme cases with meetings of
} thirty or more people). Hidden devices in the meeting room will shower
} everyone present with what, at first sense, appears to be water.
} What it will actually be is a chemical suspension containing pure
} pheromone gathered from multiple female deer at the peak of their
} 'receptive' cycle.
} Moments later, at least two dozen mature male elks, and five
} mature male mooses, all in rut, will be released into the area
} (should this be the tactic chosen, you will be provided in advance
} with a protective suit to wear under your clothes. This suit will
} be impregnated with anti-pheromones to counteract the spray and make
} the critters leave you alone).
} MESA is very good at what they do, and I do not invoke them
} lightly. However, it sounds like they will be the best way out of
} your current situation. No matter what tactic is used, they guarantee
} that you will be able to make your escape unscathed (although a shower
} is recommended ASAP).
} You owe the Oracle a new black helicopter. A Hughes 500 series
} will do nicely.