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29 Jul 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 14:44:46 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1074

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1074, 1074-01, 1074-02, 1074-03, 1074-04, 1074-05, 1074-06, 1074-07, 1074-08, 1074-09, 1074-10


Internet Oracularities #1074    (72 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 29 Jan 1999 07:59:51 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1074
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1074  72 votes 4oqd5 7erg8 46frk iqdd2 1kqk5 3gsl4 68uhb 6ioh7 nbiaa 6kihb
1074  3.0 mean  2.9   3.1   3.7   2.4   3.1   3.1   3.3   3.0   2.6   3.1


1074-01    (4oqd5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who knows the locations of all the best restaurants,
>
> What would happen if I were to eat Schrodinger's Cat? (Besides
> Schrodinger getting angry, that is.)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following are likely results in that eventuality:
}
} 1. Your subscription to "Cat Fancier" would be cancelled.
}
} 2. About 36 hours later, you might or might not have to go to the
}    bathroom, but to ascertain whether this has occurred will be
}    impossible without opening the door to your house.
}
} 3. You will have less money in your pocket than you might have had if
}    the cat had been quietly sold to a Korean restaurant specializing in
}    "little tiger" among other delicacies.
}
} 4. You will contract feline leukemia and the Oracle will be compelled
}    to put you to sleep.  Happy thought.
}
} You owe the Oracle a subscription renewal.


1074-02    (7erg8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I humbly ask of the great witted Oracle who is prepared to answer each
> unkown question in the queue with a high degree of sponteneous
> humor......
>
> Was this 'tell me' question sent to the message queue only to have the
> original sender drain the queue to retrieve it as a 'different'
> incarnation so that they may be able to answer their own question with
> a dry, witless response in an effort to please their own sense of
> humor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes! It worked!
}
} Now...what should I say that I will find amusing when I get my own
} response? Hmmmmm...
}
} Maybe I should say something about that 5-year-long passionate affair
} I've been having with my secretary and have no intention of ending,
} unless of course I can get that babe downstairs to notice me...
}
} Or perhaps I should describe some of my "experiences" from when I
} spent those 8 years in prison for statutory -- no, wait, after hiding
} it from everyone for so long, I just can't bring myself to say it.
}
} Oh well. I guess I'll just sit here and think happily about what I can
} do with the $500,000 I've managed to "save" on my taxes over the past
} few years. That should be enough for now.
}
} Of course, if anyone were to ever read this, my life would be
} over. But I don't have anything to worry about, now do I?


1074-03    (46frk dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zadoc the Priest sat bolt upright in his narrow bunk. He was a light
} sleeper - his hard, lumpy mattress and sackcloth blanket ensured as
} much - and he was in no doubt that he'd been awoken by stealthy
} movements in the corridor outside his dank little cell. He looked
} towards the door. A thin sliver of light illuminated the crack between
} the bottom of the door and the uneven stone floor and, within that
} sliver, his eyes could just make out something. Something that looked
} like:
}
} >
}
} Zadoc clambered out of his bunk and tiptoed barefoot across the
} freezing stone slabs. He knelt down and examined the > closely. It
} appeared to be a small triangle of paper, perhaps the corner of a note
} pushed hastily under his door. He tried to take hold of it, but there
} was not enough of it protruding to get his fingers around. He could
} of course have opened the door, but there was always the danger of a
} passing priest on night duty seeing him and making fun of his Barney
} nightshirt. Best not to chance it.
}
} He tiptoed back to his bunk, reached into the recess in the wall and
} retrieved the nail scissors he used for ritually puncturing his feet
} before attending on his Master the Oracle, to ensure he never forgot
} himself and stood up in the Great Omnignostic One's presence. He
} returned to the door. Placing one of the points of the scissors on
} the corner of the note, he gently dragged it across the floor towards
} him. It began to emerge from under the door.
}
} \
}   \
}     \
}     /
}   /
} /
}
} When enough of the note was visible, he discarded the scissors, pulled
} it out and made his way back across the cell. He lit his bedside candle,
} sat on the bunk and studied the note.
}    __________________________________________
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |                                          |
}   |__________________________________________|
}
} Zadoc gazed at the piece of paper in bewilderment for ten minutes or
} so. A blank note? What should he read into a blank note? Was it perhaps
} a profound, one-hand-clapping Zen sort of message from his Master,
} hinting at the emptiness that lay at the core of all existence? In
} which case he'd better stay up the whole night preparing a suitably
} insightful response, as he was bound to be tested on it in the morning.
} But no, it couldn't be that - the Oracle was never up this late.
}
} He stared at the piece of paper, cudgelling his wits, for another five
} minutes. He tried turning it upside down and even sideways a couple of
} times, to see if it made any more sense that way. Then, in a flash of
} inspiration, he turned it over and looked at the other side.
}    __________________________________________
}   |  My beloved Worm,                        |
}   |                                          |
}   |  My body has been aching incessantly to  |
}   |  be joined with yours once again. The    |
}   |  pompous windbag has gone away for the   |
}   |  weekend, so now is our chance to        |
}   |  relive the heady delirium of that       |
}   |  intoxicating time that seems so long    |
}   |  ago. Come to me in the oratory at       |
}   |  midnight, wearing only a thong and an   |
}   |  ostrich feather clenched between your   |
}   |  buttocks, and let us rescale the        |
}   |  heights of passion!                     |
}   |                                          |
}   |  Yours in breathless anticipation, Lisa  |
}   |__________________________________________|
}
} The note slipped from between Zadoc's trembling fingers. The Divine
} Adoratrice, longing for him! It was almost inconceivable, yet somehow
} not unexpected. He was, after all, a fine figure of a man, if he did
} say so himself (he generally had to, in the absence of others willing
} to do it for him). And it was not as if this was the first time this
} had happened.
}
} True, it was a mortal sin to submit to her wishes, and the Oracle's
} punishment would be swift and bloody if he found out. Which, of course,
} he would - was he not omniscient? But how could be resist this plea?
} How could he deny this damsel in distress the chance to slake her
} yearning for his body? He had been just as helpless that time almost
} two years ago when she had enticed him away from his duty, sparkling
} with ingenue. Admittedly, not much had happened then, and he'd had a
} sneaking suspicion that it had all been part of some elaborate prank.
} But now he saw how wrong he'd been to doubt her sincerity. This note
} clearly showed that he meant more to the Raven-Haired Houri Regnant
} than he'd ever dared imagine.
}
} Zadoc looked at his alarm clock. It was five minutes to midnight -
} there was not a moment to lose! He sprang from his bunk, bounced
} across his cell, flung open the door and raced down the corridor
} towards the storeroom, where he was sure to find a thong and an
} ostrich feather amongst all the bizarre and exotic gifts the Oracle
} was always receiving from his supplicants. So intent was he on his
} quest, he completely forgot that he was still wearing his Barney
} nightshirt.
}
} Meanwhile, Lisa arrived at the oratory and gave the thumbs up to the
} waiting priests. Quickly, they finished spreading thumb tacks over the
} floor and balanced a bucket of treacle on top of the door. Then they
} picked their way through the various tripwires and booby traps to the
} far end of the room, switched off the light and hid, cameras at the
} ready.


1074-04    (iqdd2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "EAT FLAMING DEATH!"
>
> "No, no, no, with _feeling_, with _feeling_.
>
> "Like so:
>
> <He pauses>
>
> "die die die die Die Die Die Die DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE
>
> "DDDD  IIIII EEEEE ! ! !
> "D   D   I   E     ! ! !
> "D   D   I   EEE   ! ! !
> "D   D   I   E
> "DDDD  IIIII EEEEE ! ! !
>
> <His head explodes>
>
> <His head regenerates>
>
> "Now do you see? WITH FEELING."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Okay, okay.  I think I have it now.  Give me a second.
} ...
}
} "EAT!
}
} "FLAMING!!!
}
} "    DDDD   EEEEE  A    TTTTTT  H    H  ! ! !  ! ! !
} "   D   D  E      A A     T    H    H  ! ! !  ! ! !
} "  D   D  EEE    AAAA    T    HHHHHH  ! ! !  ! ! !
} " D   D  E      A   A   T    H    H
} "DDDDD  EEEEE  A    A  T    H    H  ! ! !  ! ! !"
}
} [explodes into a fireball]
}
} "Excellent!  Terrific!" [claps] "You've got it, yes."
}
} [smiles slightly] "You don't think it's a bit much?  I mean, we
} wouldn't want to singe the audience."
}
} [leaps back dramatically] "Are you joking?  SINGE them?  Of course we
} would!  This is THEATER, Bramistophoclese!  Here is the sensation that
} no other art can duplicate!  The air--the heat!  When you feel--or
} rather, Xyzygyx, when he feels the passion of flaming death, they
} should feel it too!  FEEL it!  Let them be singed, Bramistophoclese!
} Why, they should be burning in their seats!"
}
} [chuckles] "Yes, you're right of course."
}
} "Alright.  Shall we continue?  You had just cursed Damien to be
} immolated in flaming death."
}
} "Yes, right... say, where is 'Damien' anyway?"
}
} "Oh," [sighs] "Damien, yes... we had good audition just a little while
} ago--a tall one, long horns.  But he backed out.  Said he didn't want
} to be typecast."
}
} "Typecast?!"
}
} "Well, you know, Bram.  No one wants to play to the good guy.  Not to
} worry, though, we'll have you a Damien soon enough.  And it matters
} little here; this scene is _you_.  All you.  Anyway I'll read Damien's
} lines to keep things going along.  Ready?  Eat-flaming-death.  Go
} ahead."
}
} "Right.  Ahem.
}
} "EAT!
}
} "FLAMING!!!
}
} "    DDDD   EEEEE  A    TTTTTT  H    H  ! ! !  ! ! !
} "   D   D  E      A A     T    H    H  ! ! !  ! ! !
} "  D   D  EEE    AAAA    T    HHHHHH  ! ! !  ! ! !
} " D   D  E      A   A   T    H    H
} "DDDDD  EEEEE  A    A  T    H    H  ! ! !  ! ! !
}
} "DIE AND BE DAMNED TO THE PIT OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!!"
}
} "Oooh, not that!"
}
} "DIE AND--  What?  What the earth was that?!"
}
} "Ha ha, the floor is burning."
}
} "QRYN!  I told you not to interrupt!"
}
} "But it was a good line, father!  It was a good line."
}
} "Qryn, I'm going to lock you in the vault of torment if you keep this
} up. Now go find your mother.
}
} [sighs] "Sorry, Bram.  Demonlings; you know how it is."
}
} "Yes, of course.  Not to worry.  Now then... I say 'Die and be damned
} to the seventh circle of hell!' and Damien writhes in smoldering
} brimstone."
}
} "Right."
}
} "Well?"
}
} "Well what?"
}
} "How about it?"
}
} [laughs] "Come on, Bram, this is just a rehearsal.  I don't really feel
} like writhing in these filthy ashes... that's what actors are for."
}
} "Hmph."
}
} "So?"
}
} "Well, I don't think I can get in the right mood unless I see someone
} writhe."
}
} "Writhe?!  Why, the-- oh, salvate your games, I'll do it.
}
} [lies down]
}
} "Alright.  Ready now?"
}
} "Right.
}
} "DIE AND BE DAMNED TO THE PIT OF ETERNAL HELLFIRE!!!
}
} "DIE AND BE DAMNED TO THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF
}
} "        HH     HH  EEEEEEE   LL        LL         ! !   ! !   ! !
} "       HH     HH  EE        LL        LL         ! !   ! !   ! !
} "      HH     HH  EE        LL        LL         ! !   ! !   ! !
} "     HHHHHHHHH  EEEEE     LL        LL         ! !   ! !   ! !
} "    HH     HH  EE        LL        LL
} "   HH     HH  EE        LL        LL         ! !   ! !   ! !
} "  HH     HH  EEEEEEE   LLLLLLL   LLLLLLLL   ! !   ! !   ! !"


1074-05    (1kqk5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations, Supplicant.  You just defeated the standing record for
} supplication-to-question ratio.  The former record was held by
} supplicant #Qa41392, who managed 519 supplications (in a total of three
} different languages!) over 276 lines for a S/Q-ratio of 519/1.  But you
} have topped them all with 1/0, a record that may stand for--
}
}    [backstage whispering]
}
} Oh, sorry supplicant.  I'm afraid the judges had to disqualify the
} induction of your 1/0 score because it's a number that exists only in
} the Riemannian sphere, a space not officially recognized by the Oracle
} record-keeping committee.  Better luck next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a question.


1074-06    (3gsl4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie most cool, like Henry Winkler used to be.
>
> When I put a quarter in the juke-box, it doesn't work, when I kick it,
> it doesn't work, but when I smack the wall on the other side of the
> room with my forehead, it works.  Does this make me cooler than the
> Fonze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. But it does make you cooler than Potsie.
}
} As cool goes, you're pretty much middle of the road. To elaborate:
}
} You're cooler than Chris Kilborn but not as cool as Jon Stewart.
} You're cooler than Slinky but not as cool as Etch-A-Sketch.
} You're cooler than Frank Sinatra, Jr. but not as cool as Frank Sinatra.
} You're cooler than a PC but not as cool as an iMac.
} You're cooler than MiniDisc but not as cool as DAT.
} You're cooler than "Veronica's Closet" but not as cool as "Friends."
} You're cooler than a diary but not as cool as a journal.
} You're cooler than being a White House but not as cool as building a
}   home for Habitats For Humanity [obligatory social consciousness].
} You're cooler than Daniel Baldwin but not as cool as Alec Baldwin.
} You're cooler than a mouse but not as cool as an xpad.
} You're cooler than China but not as cool as Sweden.
} You're cooler than DivX but not as cool as DVD.
} You're cooler than ballpoint but not as cool as fountain.
} You're cooler than Michael Bolton but not as cool as Pearl Jam.
} You're cooler than Kathie Lee but not as cool as Regis.
} You're cooler than coffee but not as cool as cappuccino.
} You're cooler than a welfare recipient but not as cool as Yours Truly.
}
} You owe the Oracle another dime for the jukebox, adjusted for inflation.


1074-07    (68uhb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I loveth thou, and thou, thou loveth me;
> A clan we make, of true felicity.
> A grand embrace, a kiss I offer thee;
> Mayhap thy pledge of love to me canst be?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, forsooth, I cannot pledge to thee;
} For of now my love is pledged immutably
} To she who once bestowed me ecstacy.
} ("Once," I said; to be taken note of by thee.)
}
} 'Twas when love I thought was something not-to-be -
} a spectre, yes; but then she appeared to me.
} She played my strings with vir-tu-o-sity;
} We fell in love--and deep in love were we.
}
} Her eyes--what bliss!  A deep and raging sea!
} Her mouth--so sweet!  Her kiss so chocolate-y.
} We pledged our love beneath the willow tree -
} We would, together, onward always be.
}
} But oh, 'twas short; my love became ennui;
} And love went wrong, and turned to enmity.
} (That battle-ax has got the whip on me!)
} But, ach--love's pledge--I'll ne'er be fancy-free.
}
} And so, 'tis lost, I cannot pledge to thee.
} Alas, aloch, we reach the fin-al-ee;
} For far and few are words that rhyme with 'ee',
} And so too the embers of our love must be.


1074-08    (6ioh7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Zadoc most servile, who can swallow his pride and still be hungry,
> please tell me,
>
> How do you act when the Oracle isn't around?
>
> ________________________________________________________________________
> You don't need to buy a computer to use free Internet e-mail.
> Get completely hardware-free e-mail from the Telepathic Network at
> http://www.telepathic.net.com.  Or call the Telepathic Network at
> 1-800-PSYCHIC [779-2442].

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not around? *chuckle*
}
} Y'see, the Oracle's always a_round_, heh, because he's...ahem... not
} square. Yeah, that's it.
}
}   "Impressive, Zadoc. I didn't think I'd made any noise coming up
}    behind you."
}
} "O Jewel of the Starry Heavens, Yea, Even Brighter Than Wayne Newton,
}  the luminosity of your presence illumines us all."
}
}   "Hrmph. Right. I think."
}
} Ah, he's gone. There you go, supplicant; the Oracle really is always
} around, often when you least expect it. Although the shadow of his
} "awesome presence" preceding him, often by several minutes, is a dead
} giveaway. If you catch my drift.
}
} You owe Zadoc an explanation of how having spam beamed directly into
} your brain is a good idea.


1074-09    (nbiaa dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Benpyr zbfg jvfr, qb lbh fcrnx EBG13?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ab, fhccyvpnag. V glcr vg. Trrm!
}
} Lbh bjr gur Benpyr guvegrra frperg qrpbqre evatf.


1074-10    (6kihb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does it bother you that THESE FREAKIN' SUPPLICANTS WON'T LEAVE ME
> ALONE!?
>
> - Eliza

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Now Eliza, the supplicants are just seeking our wisdom
} Eliza: Would you like it if they were not just seeking our wisdom?
}
} Oracle: Our wisdom is all we have to offer, that and a few woodchucks
} Eliza: Please go on.
}
} Oracle: Its quite simple my love, we must use our abilities for the good
} of the people, the woodchucks are just a bonus
} Eliza: Why do you say your love we must use our abilities for the good
} of the people the woodchucks are just a bonus?
}
} Oracle: Eliza dear, please remember who you are talking with.
} Eliza: Does it please you to believe I am talking with?
}
} Oracle: Reality is almost always surreal, pleasing or not
} Eliza: When?
}
} Oracle: From dawn until the time before
} Eliza: Please go on.
}
} Oracle: Your tired, lets go to bed
} Eliza: Oh, I am tired lets go to bed.
}
} Oracle: Goodnight
} Eliza: Please go on.
}
} Oracle: Not tonight, I have a headache
} Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
}
} Oracle: No
} Eliza: You are being a bit negative
}
} Oracle:  goodnight  <click>


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