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Internet Oracularities #1075

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Internet Oracularities #1075    (78 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 2 Feb 1999 10:08:45 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1075
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1075  78 votes 6brnb 4hCd6 6hEc3 5cDg6 9mhhd 9nmea 4pwc5 5eomd 6bsmb 447bQ
1075  3.2 mean  3.3   3.0   2.9   3.1   3.0   2.9   2.9   3.3   3.3   4.3


1075-01    (6brnb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most crazy (in the good sense), only you know the answer to
> this question.  How *do* you pronounce the unpronounceable new name of
> The Artist Formerly Known As Prince?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} `puh-blis-uh-tee stunt'


1075-02    (4hCd6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Look! Up in the sky!
>
> It's a bird! It's a plane! It's the Internet Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ... Off to Fiji to fetch the priests back from Winter Break. Every
} year it's the same story - the weather's nice, the more conscientious
} members of the priesthood have been given the slip, there's no pressure
} - they refuse to come back. So I have to zip down there and convince
} them of the error of their ways. A few days of sun, sand and exotic
} native girls - I mean, rounding up the rabble - and things will be
} back to normal. Honestly, I don't know why I keep letting them book
} this break.  It's almost as if I _want_ to go down there and spend my
} valuable time in a tropical paradise, coralling my deadbeat staff and
} lazing by the pool - I mean, hunting high and low for the workshy scum.
}
} Next year, though, I'm definitely flying commercial. Using the Staff
} of Zot in a broomstick fashion might be free, but frankly it gives
} a whole new and unpleasant meaning to flying by the seat of your pants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a seat upgrade, an inflight movie and some dead
} fly remover.


1075-03    (6hEc3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> soooooooooooooooooo
> oooooooooooooorie
> what up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Vowel usage in the state of Arkansas. Steve, do we have any other
} reports from other states.
}
} No, Jean, Arkansas is the first state reporting, so we have an early
} lead by vowels, but this election has a long way to go. Can we analyse
} the swing.
}
} According to the computer, this shows a 3.8% swing to vowels. This is
} completely unexpected given the recent controversy about the
} impeachment of 'i' after it lied about its relationship with 'o'. The
} consonants put all their eggs into the impeachment basket, and it seems
} to have backfired on them.
}
} [Later]
}
} Aand weee seeem tooo bee seeeiiing aaa treeen acrooooss thee
} entiiiireee naatiooon wheeereee voooweeellss aaareee sweeepiiing too
} pooweer iin aaaa laaandsliideee...
}
} [Much later]
}
} aaaaaa ooooooo eeeeeee eeeeee aaaaa oooooeeeee aaaaaaeeeeee aaaaeeeeee


1075-04    (5cDg6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle,
>
> Would you be offended if I said I loved you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not at all.
}
} I'd be offended if you told me the one about the priest who ****** *
} **** ** *** ****** ***** **********.  *** ****, ** **** **** ****: **
} *** ****- *** *** ***** ******* ***** *** ***** ***** ******** *** **
} *******, "***, * **** ******* ***!  *** ** **** **** *** **** * **** **
} ** **** * **** ** *** *** ***** ***!"  *** ** ****** **** *** ******
} *******, *'* ***** *** ****** **** *** ******-****** *** **** *** **
} *** ****.  **** ******* * ******** ******** **** ** ********** *******
} * ******** ********.  *** **** ***** "****!  ****!  ****!," ***** ***
} **** **!  **** **!" *** ** ****** *** **** **** **** ****************.
} ****** **** ** **** "**** **! *******, *********, ** ****** ** ***
} ** ****** ** **** ***** **** *** until the farmer told him to leave.
}
} [Editor's note -- the text replaced by asterisks above was so far
} out of the bounds of good taste, decency and sanity that I had no
} recourse but to move it onto a 3.5" floppy disk and burn the disk and
} throw the ashes into the river.  I hope I didn't kill too many fish.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a ****** ***** *** ****'* *****-****** ****
}
} [Editor's note -- Don't even ask.]


1075-05    (9mhhd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Fnord.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chez Vrolet.


1075-06    (9nmea dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> zodac sat in the diimly lit chamber at marmot headquarters.
> his minions had been defeated in the latest raid on the oracle
> compound. "curses"he spat.
> "we were so close!"
> a woodchuck slithered back at the tone in his voice.
> "maybe i am going about this all wrong....."
> "hmmmm...that slithering excuse for an older brother zadoc has refused
> to help me conquer the oracle.i need inside information.i need an
> underground to harrass and confuse that blasted oracle."
> zodac stared at the startrek rerun of the first episode of the new
> generation."q.if only i had the power of q....."
> "wait!thats's it!"
> rodents scurried out of his way as he dove for the cellar.
> "i knew this pickle production plant would be good for somthiing other
> than a frontfor my diabolical schemes against the oracle!!!"
> picking up a ppreprocessed pickle zodac laughed hidiously.
> "muhahahaha"
> quickly he dashed to the lab.
> "marmot #1 fire up my machiine o' schemes!"
> "yes your chuckfulness!"cried the creepy critter.
> (lots of beeping and hissiing as machine lurches to life)
> "with this preprocessed pickle i shall harrass and intimidate the
> oracle and minions by draining the queue!"zodac shouted and pressed the
> button. (zzzzzzzaaaaaaaappppppp)
> "behold!i zodac have created the queue-cumber!!!!"
> "with a small army of these i shall encumber the oracle's time with
> frivilous q&a's in the queue whilst i rebuild my army of woodchuck,and
> devise a way to destroy his cursed press release machiine!!!!"
> "queue-cumbers attack!!!!!"
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> i'm sorry your strtigic fo minede pracelfullnses,
> that is all i colud gte without benig cauhgt!
> what wlil we do oh graet one?
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> your move Orrie

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Internet Oracle:  The Next Generation
} Encounter at Noe Point
}
} Once upon a time, on a world far, far into the inky night there lived a
} happy couple. Okay, there weren't so happy 'cause he was an old, fat
} guy with a fading Hollywood career and she was a hot young babe
} possessing a really big set of garbanzos and the intellectual
} capabilities of broad-leaf ficus....oh, also their sun was dying on
} that planet so they were all about to die.
}
} Luckily he had more intelligence than a small grapefruit, -so they put
} their infant son, Roj'Er, in a chandelier with his teddy bear, a first
} aid kit and three months' supply of nappies and sailed his rash-covered
} little buttocks toward the far side of the galaxy, a little planet
} called "Earth" by it's natives.
}
} A short time later, Earl and Ethel Mae Ledbetter of Altoona, Iowa on
} the continent of North America on that same little planet, "Earth"
} looked up into the sky.
}
} "Look....up in the sky!  It's a bird! ...It's a plane!"
}
} "Nope, Paw.  I think it's a chandelier."
}
} Out popped little Roj'Er and after some discussion about whether or
} not he was some kind of "midget AY-raab with that there thing on his
} head" (later identified as a strategically misplaced nappy) Maw & Paw
} Ledbetter adopted the young lad and raised him as their own.
}
} In virtually no time at all young Roj'Er was lifting cars, plowing the
} fields single-handedly, outracing speeding trains and kicking field
} goals from the next county.
}
} "Oh, Spirit of my dead Father!  Why have you called me away from my
} adopted parents?!?"
}
} "To tell you, my Son that you have come of age now...and the time as
} come to make use of your great gifts for the benefit of mankind!"
}
} "I understand, Father!  How shall I *do* that?"
}
} "The secret is in the Oracularities I sent with you from planet
} Krapton! Remember, my Son!  All knowledge, all strength...all power is
} in the queue!!"
}
}      "Forget the queue my boy!  Go into plastics, -that's where the
}      money is!"
}
} "Who was that, Father?"
}
} "Your Uncle Manny.  Don't pay any attention to him."
}
} *****
} So in noe time our young hero was wending his way to the big city of
} Bloomington, Iowa, where the locals took one look at that "young feller
} in tights" and figured he must be "one of them odd sorts whut come to
} town fer the Oracle."
}
} Though omniscient, and therefore aware of the truth, The Internet
} Oracle accepted young Roj'Er into the priesthood immediately.  When
} asked, "Will you tell us his last name?" The Oracle replied "No," and
} some overzealous clerk supplied the misspelling which became his alias.
}
}      "What about the "Dr.?"  Is he a trained M.D.?"
}
} "Erm... No.  That's just his maiden-name." <wink>
}
} He quickly became revered amoung the priesthood when it was discovered
} that he was Krap-proof.  Krap bounced right off him.  It came to be
} known as the "Noe-effect."
}
} He had but one or two weaknesses.  Okay...maybe three or four, but
} we're not going to focus on those right now.  For the purpose of our
} story, we're focused on the substance "Kraptonite."
}
} As you well know, the Evil Juno incarnation has enlisted the talents of
} Zodac, the younger brother of Zadoc, and a whole buttload of woodchucks
} to encumber the queue by draining it and responding to the entire
} contents with crap tonight^W^W Kraptonite, leaving Roj'Er in a weakened
} state.  Unable to repel even the smallest amount of Krap, he is
} incapacitated.
}
} Thinking quickly, the other members of the priesthood quickly hoist him
} into the shower of the priesthood locker room where a voluptuous,
} bikini-clad maiden agrees to play doctor with him and makes him all
} better.
}
} Roj'Er then flies around the planet Earth in a leotard at six times
} the speed of light backward and turns time back just to the point where
} the queue is no longer drained and all the Krap is replaced with nice,
} funny answers.
}
} And they all live happily ever after.  Except the woodchucks.


1075-07    (4pwc5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most...uhhhh....shoot, it's on the tip of my
> tongue....hmmmm....
>
> How can I get rid of this accursed case of supplicant's block?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your best bet would be to #dip it in a fountain, until "The water glows
} for a moment", at which point the curse will be removed.
}
} Of course you could also #pray, but given how much fun you've been
} having polymorphing your pets into woodchucks, then zapping them with
} your Staff of ZOT, I wouldn't reccomend it.
}
} After the curse is removed, you'll be able to #open the case, revealing
} 12 potions of supplicant block. Now, be careful, because quaffing will
} cause you to Hallucinate, and you remember what happened *last* time...
} (Yes, I know you eventually managed to rebuild the reflecting pool, but
} it traumatized your staff.) No, instead you're going to want to apply
} it.
}
} That ought to keep those pesky supplicants away...
}
} Good luck with the Wizard!


1075-08    (5eomd dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, thou who can tap dance with real taps on thy feet.
>
> Orrie, I've been doing the Hokey Kokey for as long as I remember, and
> have always followed the golden rule, as we all do. But recently I've
> been thinking, what would happen if I reversed the sequence, and shook
> it all about before putting my left bit out etc?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant:
}
} It is clear to me that you've been doing way too much Kokey and not
} enough Hokey.
}
} Let's review the procedures for Hokey Pokey (IBM manual
} GC28-0043-1935):
}
} Syntax:
}                  v-------------------------+
}                  v        | SIDE=Left  |   ^
}                  v        | SIDE=Right |   ^ | TURNabout = No  |
} >--- HOKey pokey   NNN -- |            | --^ | TURNabout = Yes | --- >
}
} NNN represents one or more eligible body parts (see Appendix B.0 for a
} list of reserved keywords).
}
} HOK ELBOW SIDE=L
} results in
} ## You put your Left ELBOW in,
} you take your Left ELBOW out,
} you put your Left ELBOW in,
} and you shake it all about.
} You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around,
} That's what it's all about! ##
}
} In this example, TURN defaulted to Yes.
}
} Were you to try to reverse this, you could turn yourself around, then
} do the Hokey Pokey (self-defining term), but the term IT would not yet
} be defined.  There would be no IT for you to shake all about.  Even if
} you could determine what IT was you were to be shaking all about, that
} would be very dangerous.  You would most likely be damage that part and
} any surrounding parts by shaking it all about BEFORE putting it IN.
} Shaking all about of parts which are in their normal operating
} positions can be very hazardous.  Refer to the service manual for each
} individual part to determine the viability of this shaking-all-about
} process.
}
} At this point, you could follow the remaining instructions (put elbow
} in, take elbow out, put elbow in).  At the end of the reversed Hokey
} Pokey procedure, the specified part would still be IN.  Clearly this is
} not the desired position.  As the Hokey Pokey procedure is usually
} invoked iteratively (first ELBOW SIDE=L, then ELBOW SIDE=R, etc.),
} subsequent invokations of the Hokey Pokey procedure would be
} complicated by the presence of left-over parts from previous Hokey
} Pokeys (the Left ELBOW above).
}
} Summary: The reverse Hokey Pokey is clearly NOT what it's all about.
} Just say NO.  Say NO to reversed Hokey Pokey.
} And, of COURSE, say no to Kokey.
}
} The Oracle demands your entire stash of Kokey.  Now go turn yourself
} around.


1075-09    (6bsmb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   The girl I'm talking to over the phone just told me in a soft voice
> "I'm fingering myself".   Is she trying to send me a message?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes and No.
}
} She is checking her own .plan, if she was sending you a message
} she'd use talk.
}
} But she *is* interested in you. Ask yourself why is she fingering
} herself? It's a form of preening, she is checking to see that if
} you *did* finger her you'd see something alluring. It's the `Net
} equivalent of looking in the mirror.
}
} So next time you talk to her let her know that you fingered her
} and liked what you saw.
}
} You owe the Oracle .procmail for his TV.


1075-10    (447bQ dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, Orrie, what are your plans for February 2nd?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pretty much the same as usual. Here's my schedule for the day, if you
} must know:
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and
}        shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's
}        coooold out there today." Where's he escaped from, I wonder?
}        Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake.
} 08:00  Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast.
} 08:48  Fire up the question queue.
} 08:49  Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a
}        thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one (that's you,
}        in case you couldn't guess).
} 08:50  Answer the rest of the questions.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters and starts grovelling.
} 11:14  Zadoc finishes grovelling and asks if I want a cup of coffee.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously
}        expensive clothes but I put my foot down. Lisa sulks until I
}        promise to take her out to dinner.
} 20:15  We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards we
}        make love like sea otters.
} 23:06  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and
}        shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's
}        coooold out there today." Does this moron say the same thing
}        every day? Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake.
} 08:00  Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast. Start experiencing an
}        uncomfortable sense of deja vu.
} 08:48  Fire up the question queue.
} 08:49  Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a
}        thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one. Anyway, the
}        idiot's a day late - it's now the 3rd of February, for god's
}        sake!
} 08:50  Answer the rest of the questions, all of which look eerily
}        familiar.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters and starts grovelling. I tell him to shut up and he
}        slopes off, sobbing quietly. Now I have to get my own coffee.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Lisa wants to go shopping. I say I can't because something's
}        very wrong and I have to work it out. Lisa sulks until I promise
}        to take her out to dinner.
} 20:15  We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards I'm
}        too preoccupied to make love, and Lisa sulks again.
} 22:55  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's starts saying "Rise and
}        shine, campers..." but I switch him off. What the hell's going
}        on? Lisa doesn't stir.
} 07:58  Cut myself shaving and skip breakfast.
} 08:29  Fire up the question queue.
} 08:30  Zot the imbecile with the w**dchuck question.
} 08:31  Zot all the rest of the stupid supplicants for good measure.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters and I Zot him. I go out into the corridor and Zot
}        the coffee machine.
} 12:30  Skip lunch.
} 12:39  Lisa wants to go shopping. I explain that I can't because I keep
}        reliving the same day. Lisa says that's the feeblest excuse
}        she's ever heard in her life, and sulks until I promise to take
}        her out to dinner.
} 20:15  We go out, she eats lobster but I just drink endless pina
}        coladas.  They don't seem to work. "Can I have one of these with
}        some alcohol in it?" I ask the waiter sarcastically. He makes
}        some smartass retort so I Zot him. The police are called in.
} 21:43  I'm put in a police holding cell. Maybe if I stay awake, I can
}        break this cycle.
} 23:57  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Before the inane DJ can say a word I
}        Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up, so I Zot her.
} 07:54  Skip shaving and breakfast.
} 08:06  Fire up the question queue and Zot all the supplicants without
}        reading any of the questions. Zot the console. Zot every object
}        in the room.
} 08:28  Go out to the priests' quarters and Zot Zadoc as he emerges from
}        his cell. Find Kinzler and Zot him too, just because.
} 08:52  Go outside and Zot any passers-by I see.
} 09:03  Zot myself.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up,
}        and I explain I've worked it out. It's a fiendish plot by those
}        wretched rodents! The only way I can save myself is to destroy
}        the mastermind behind it - Punxsutawney Phil himself! Lisa
}        suggests I'm a few demigods short of a pantheon. I ignore her
}        and leap out of bed.
} 07:57  Skip shaving and breakfast.
} 08:13  Ransack the storeroom where I keep the gifts from supplicants.
}        There - I knew I had some! A phial of mixomatosis virus. Now
}        I'll get that smug little beggar!
} 09:11  Get in the car and head for Pennsylvania.
} 09:44  Hell and damnation! The police are turning people back, claiming
}        the roads are blocked by snow. I try to break through but only
}        succeed in crashing the car into some police vehicles.
} 12:25  I'm put in a police holding cell. I call Lisa to come and bail
}        me out, but she says I can stay there until I come to my senses.
}        I decide to try and stay awake again.
} 23:59  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his spiel, but
}        I restrain myself from attacking the radio. I must try and work
}        this out rationally. Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but
}        doesn't wake.
} 08:05  Shave and have breakfast, careful not to burn the toast.
} 09:17  Fire up the question queue. Is it something to do with the
}        questions, perhaps? If so, which one?
} 09:19  Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question. Maybe I
}        shouldn't Zot the supplicant out of hand. Ridiculous - I always
}        Zot infidels who ask the w**dchuck question! I Zot the little
}        swine, as he so richly deserves.
} 09:21  Start answering the rest of the questions, carefully. I can't
}        figure out what I could have done wrong with any of them.
} 09:26  Zadoc interrupts my concentration by entering and launching into
}        one of his long-winded bouts of grovelling. I tell him I haven't
}        got time, and just to get me a cup of coffee. He slopes out,
}        dejected. Should I have been nicer to him? Ridiculous - nobody's
}        nice to Zadoc! That really would disturb the balance of the
}        universe.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously
}        expensive clothes, so I agree. What the hell - she looks great in
}        them.  Lisa's so pleased she promises to make me dinner herself
}        tonight.
} 19:45  Lisa cooks up a magnificent feast of Parma ham and melon,
}        followed by chicken chausseur with Anna potatoes, baby
}        cauliflower ears and mangetouts, and profiteroles to round it all
}        off. We empty three bottles of Chateau Rothschild. Afterwards we
}        make love like sea otters.
} 23:33  Fall asleep.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his all too
}        familiar routine. Hell's bells! What have I got to do to escape
}        this nightmare? Lisa asks what's up, and I explain about being
}        forced to relive the same day over and over. She acts very
}        concerned but I can see she doesn't really believe me.
} 08:28  I shave while Lisa makes me breakfast. She probably doesn't
}        trust me near kitchen implements at the moment.
} 09:23  Fire up the question queue.
} 09:24  Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question again. Maybe
}        what matters is not what I do every day, but what I do on this
}        day.  Have I ever Zotted someone for asking the w**dchuck
}        question on Groundhog Day, the one day in the year sacred to the
}        God of All Marmots? I find I can't remember.
} 09:26  Zadoc enters. Before he can launch into his long-winded grovel,
}        I ask him for his opinion on the subject.
} 09:29  After Zadoc has picked himself up off the floor, where his
}        astonishment at my asking his opinion on anything had deposited
}        him, he confirms that, in as far as he's aware, I've never
}        Zotted a w**dchuck questioner on this day before. That must be
}        it! I thank Zadoc for his invaluable help. More time is lost as
}        Zadoc has to pick himself up off the floor again. He goes out to
}        lie down and recover from the shock, so I get no coffee. No
}        matter.
} 09:41  I give the question a long, finely-crafted, kindly answer. I
}        spend most of the morning on it, chuckling to myself as I imagine
}        how thrilled the supplicant will be when he gazes in awe at
}        probably the best answer he's ever received in his dreary little
}        life.
} 12:29  Answer the rest of the questions. I can do those in my sleep by
}        now.
} 12:30  Lunch.
} 13:48  Offer to go shopping with Lisa, but she thinks that it would
}        excite me too much. She makes me lie down and spends the
}        afternoon solicitously tending to my every need. If I'm doomed to
}        relive the same day for all eternity, I can think of worse ways
}        of doing it!
} 19:00  Lisa refuses to consider going out for dinner, and makes me a
}        light supper in bed. Animatedly, I explain to her that I've
}        solved the puzzle and I'm never going to be cruel to another
}        w**dchuck as long as I live, which is forever, so they ought
}        to be pretty grateful, right? In fact, I shall start calling
}        them by their proper name - woodchuck. There, I've said it.
}        Woodchuck! That's not so bad now, is it? Woooodchuck. One could
}        grow to like the word. Lisa is clearly very worried but tries
}        bravely not to show it.
} 22:18  Fall asleep while Lisa gently strokes my forehead.
}
} 07:52  Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's saying "Looks like
}        there's a break in the weather, and we can look forward to some
}        sunshine today, campers." I've cracked it! I shout with joy.
}        Lisa wakes and asks what's up, and I ask what day it is. "The
}        3rd, of course," says she, "and are you having another turn?" I
}        tell her I've never felt better, and plant a big fat smacker on
}        her lips. She feels kind of fuzzy.
} 08:01  I go into the bathroom to shave. A furry, bewhiskered face
}        stares back at me in the shaving mirror. My god! I look like a...
}        a...
} 08:02  The realisation dawns on me that the nightmare's only just
}        begun.
}
} You owe the Oracle, er... well, some wood, actually. Never you mind
} what I want it for.


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