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Internet Oracularities #1076

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Internet Oracularities #1076    (70 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 12 Feb 1999 08:41:31 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1076
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1076  70 votes 5gnga 26ooe 8ffhf 5isg3 4emjb abmed 6gqg6 58jpd 2chng 4ekp7
1076  3.3 mean  3.1   3.6   3.2   2.9   3.3   3.1   3.0   3.5   3.6   3.2


1076-01    (5gnga dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there a magic elixir that will cause the women to knock down my door
> and scream for my hot manlove?  If so, where can I find it?  If not,
> would alcohol be an acceptable substitute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I find that a dash of Worcestershire sauce into the mixture
} before - Oh, sorry, you said hot _manlove_. My bad.
}
} There _is_, allegedly, an unguent said to be mighty in attracting
} the fair ones. Given my usual correspondents (the Geeks'N'Freaks,
} as I like to call them) I know little of this fabled substance.
} Rumour has it that this mystic talisman is so powerful that to
} access its properties one has merely to smear it over ones naked
} body AND THEN RINSE IT OFF AGAIN!!! Imagine! Alas, I must be
} content with mere hearsay at this time, as the location where it
} can be found is shrouded in mystery. Maybe one day, long after
} college is done, I shall learn more...
}
} I advise against smearing alcohol over your body. It'll attract
} only winos, and may cause a nasty rash.
}
} You owe the Oracle more hard facts about the legendary SOAP.


1076-02    (26ooe dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Arbitrarily wise and considerate Oracle, who told Newton and Leibniz
> about the calculus just so science and engineering could advance to the
> point where many, many supplicants could ask the Oracle questions like
> this one via email instead of trudging thousands of miles to a remote
> mountaintop, whose integrals I am unworthy to compute and whose
> differentials are, despite being infinitesimal like all other
> differentials, much, much larger than I could ever hope to imagine,
>
> my physics teacher promised me he'd tell me a funny math joke, but I'd
> have to wait until I turned 18.  Unfortunately, he died first.  Well,
> I'm 19, and I still haven't got my joke.  Could you tell it to me
> please?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That was a decent grovel, kid, so not only will I tell you the joke,
} I'll tell you three new things you should learn from it.
}
} A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
} The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
} beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
} The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair.  Every
} five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
} current location and the woman on the bed."
}
} The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not
} going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he
} gets up and storms out.
}
} The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist
} in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he
} starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.  "Don't you
} realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied,
} "Of course!  But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
}
} That was the joke.  Now here are the three new things you should have
} learned from it:
}
} 1. Never believe a science or math teacher when they say something is
} funny.
} 2. Some things aren't worth waiting for.
} 3. Give up science and math as career options, or you'll die drooling,
} just like your physics teacher.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice quiet room with <drool> Lisa naked on a bed.
} See?  It's too late for me.
} Oh well.


1076-03    (8ffhf dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise.  What will the priesthood be like in 20 years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So, you want to be a priest in 20 years?
}
} Well, among other things, the Oracle subscribes to the "Vatican Watch"
} news service.  Let's just look at a sampling of events over the next 20
} years that will shape the priesthood:
}
} I'm, sure you've seen this one...
} 2/13/1999:  National Tattler magazine reports that the Catholic Church
} and Microsoft to merge... Bill Gates will assume title of Vice-Pope and
} CEO... church's artwork to be strictly licensed for use in the
} MS-Classics Screensaver (tm)... new Microsoft Church products...
} minimum system requirements Pentium II/450, 256 MB ram, 9 GB free disk
} space.
}
} ... but, you know how rumors are...
}
} 6/17/1999: (AP) Archbishop of the New York diocese announced a
} controversial new stand on birth control today.  His "Life begins at
} Deception" statement states that once a woman (or man) lies to their
} partner about being on birth control, any subsequent act preventing
} birth is sinful.  "We need the converts." He said after cameras were
} turned off.
}
} 8/31/2001:  (Reuters) White Smoke over the Vatican.  "We have a new
} pope."  Following the technical, societal and economic upheaval of the
} Y2K crisis, the Church has elected its 7th Pope in the last 20 months.
} In his first statement to the world, Pope John-Paul-George-Ringo I, has
} decided that all Masses shall be held in ancient Latin.  "Since most of
} the Third World has reverted to the Dark Ages, we should reflect the
} trends of the majority of our congregation."
}
} 12/7/2006: (Variety)  Today, entertainer Michael Jackson announced his
} intent to become a priest. "After all, I have all of the
} qualifications, I love children, and I've been technically celibate for
} years!  I'd love to follow in the footsteps of the founder of Boys
} Town, and establish the same kind of loving, caring place for young
} boys."
}
} 12/31/2009: (CNN)  On the eve of the 10th anniversary of the Y2K Crash,
} Ted Turner announced today that he is buying the *entire* collection of
} artworks belonging to the Vatican in a joint venture with the Disney
} Company.  Citing financial woes, a Church spokesman confirmed the
} report that all of the famous works, including the Sistine Chapel will
} be transferred to a new theme park being built outside Atlanta.
} Turner/Disney's "Vatican World" will feature exhibits, and thrill rides
} such as the "Pirates of the Seven Deadly Sins" indoor ride, and a high
} speed roller coaster tentatively named the "Hail Mary."  Park
} attendants will be dressed in cassocks and habits depicting 2000 years
} monastery and convent fashion.  "Of course, some of the artworks will
} need restoring a colorizing before we can put them on display," Turner
} commented.
}
} 8/19/2014: (VatNewsNet)  The Vatican III reformation conference is
} still going strong.  On this weeks agenda: "Are clones subject to
} Original Sin?"  One side of the debate declares that a clone would only
} carry the half the burden of original sin... The clone of a clone -
} only one quarter...   Next weeks topic will be whether the traditional
} title of "Father" should be changed to "Surrogate Parental Figure of No
} Familial Attachment who Functions in a Caregiver Role."
}
} 4/12/2015: (Science Channel, transponder 312)  Following last year's
} Vatican III declaration that clones are not subject to Original Sin,
} the Catholic church has decided that all Priests, monks and nuns should
} be clones.  "We have the potential to engineer a race of gender neutral
} spiritual guides exempt from the <ahem> scandals of years past," stated
} Pope Elroy.  "This will vastly improve the quality of the Church and
} streamline the selection process for higher level Church offices." The
} term "Priest" will subsequently be discontinued and replace with the
} title "Mediator."  The clones will be addressed as "Parent" instead of
} "Father," and the Brotherhoods (Monks) and Sisterhoods (Nuns) will be
} merged into the "Siblinghood of  Assistants."
}
} 10/1/2018:  (Washington Post) Today the Vatican announced the selection
} of a new Pope in a record time.  Pope John CXXIV succeeded Pope Elroy
} 10 minutes after the passing of the last non-clone Leader of the
} Religious World.  "There was no trouble making the decision since we're
} all alike. We just drew straws and I was the lucky one,"  stated the
} new Pope. Regarding his selection of accession name, the Pope replied:
} "I know the tradition was to select a name and number in keeping with
} your predecessor.  Still, it's a brave new world!  It's much more
} accurate to use my cloning tank label."
}
} 2/5/2019:  (MSNBABCBSFOX.COM)  Today the Catholic Church announced that
} it would purchase the troubled MicroSoft Corporation.  The
} software/communications giant  has been on the brink of bankruptcy
} since the death of founder Bill Gates last year in a duel with Steve
} Jobs. For more details, press or say "1" now
} Sidebars:
} ...Click here...  President DiCaprio denounces increase in dueling to
} settle lawsuits.
} ...Click here... Vatican says dueling is not suicide.
} ...Click here...  Catholic Church buys Disney, regains treasured
} artwork
} ...Click here...  Turner "decolorizing" technology to be applied to
} defaced art
} ...Click here...  Interview with HighMediator John MCMXCIX of
} LosFransciso.  Do clones fall in love?
}
} **** Well, there you have it. that's what will shape the
} Priesthood^WMediatorhood 20 years from now. ****
}
} You owe the Oracle a sexless artificial life form that speaks
} incomprehensibly, Oh, sorry, I already have Zadoc and Og.  Oh well,
} just tell the Lisa's that I'll be waiting for them in the hot-tub.


1076-04    (5isg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, thou who truly knows how long it has been since Ian
> Davis changed his socks.
>
> Orrie, exactly what is the best way to write an oracularity that will
> annoy, amuse, or impress a priest enough so that they'll mail it to
> each other and start a big argument about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are many ways to impress them. For instance:
}  1) You don't need to write much, if only you attach a photo of a naked
} famous sex-symbol like Brad Pitt or Carmen Opausia to it. For sure, the
} pic won't reach to the supplicant who made the question, but the priest
} who reads the oracularity will see the error message, and search into
} the Oracle's computer system to look for it. You can bet that, as after
} they find it, they'll start forwarding it to a mean of 5 mean fellow
} priests. I don't like it, but i understand it, after all the stupid,
} boring and wild-rodent-related answers they have to read each day.
}   2) You can make a witty and intriguing remark, much in the way Karl
} Schlampich replied to Boris Hall (before their tragical accident).
}
}   But you asked for the BEST way to do it, and it is to write something
} not clearly humorous, but suggesting it is, something misterious enough
} to make the priests doubt if they are missing a part of a good joke. Of
} course, if you write something that IS actually funny, risk is that
} some priest understand the whole point of it. The trick is not to write
} an actual funny oracularity, but to make it look like it, so the
} priests send it to some other to ask about what does it refer to.
}    An easy way to do it is to mention somebody or some event you've
} just made up, as if they had to be universally known. For example,
} things like "as much wood as Jerry G. Milhouse had to remove to make his
} way to Scarlett's house", "a famous sex-symbol like (better to add a
} really famous name somewhere) or Carmen Opausia" or "in the way Karl
} Schlampich replied to Boris Hall (before their tragical accident)" will
} make them doubt enough. Remember that most of my priests have been
} brought up in the USA, where the educational system does not pay much
} attention to the outside world, so they can't be confident about
} whether something is really an "obscure reference" or a very good joke
} for anybody with a better culture.
}
}       And now that you know the way...
} you'll understand I can't let you escape alive and start writing this
} type of junk-mail to annoy my priests and make them waste their time,
} instead of doing useful work with normal oracularities, so...
}
} \/\/\/\/\/\/--->  Zap!!
}   You're fried, like Camshron Dieguez de Haro after being chosen by Ho
} Ling Me to test his new riffle.


1076-05    (4emjb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How would YOU model the impact of a 1km diameter asteroid striking the
> south pole?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a bikini-brief speedo swimsuit (for the massive tidal wave)
} and a warm coat (for the "nuclear winter" that would follow).


1076-06    (abmed dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And he was Bad, Bad, Zadoc Brown
> Baddest priest in the whole damn town,
> Badder then ol' Og Kong,
> Meaner then a Junkyard Zot...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, a-down in Indiana,
} In the baddest part of town,
} If you go down there, you just better beware
} Of a priest named Zadoc Brown.
}
} Now Zadoc's more than trouble,
} Though he's short and stout in form.
} All the priestesses call him Zadoc Brown
} And the rest just call him Worm.
}
} And it's bad, bad, Zadoc Brown
} Baddest priest in the whole damn town,
} Badder than ol' Og Kong,
} Meaner than a junkyard zot.
}
} Well Friday 'bout a week ago,
} She walked by his door twice-
} An alt.sex.goddess by the name of Lisa
} And oh, that girl looked nice.
}
} Well, he cast his eyes upon her,
} But he should have turned and run.
} 'Cause then he learned a lesson 'bout a-messin' with the girl
} Of the Om-ni-po-tent One.
}
} Well Orrie took to zottin',
} And when his zottin' was done,
} Zadoc looked like a Texas steak:
} Deep-fried and well-done.
}
} And it's bad, bad, Zadoc Brown
} Baddest priest in the whole damn town,
} Badder than ol' Og Kong,
} Meaner than a junkyard zot.
}
}   LET ME HEAR IT NOW!
}
} He was bad - bad - Zadoc Brown
} Baddest priest in the whole damn town!  (whooo!)
} Badder than-a 'ol Og Ko-o-ong
} Meaner than a junkyard zot!


1076-07    (6gqg6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your attention please.  This is Special Agent Bryn K. Gadjusek of the
> FBI. It has come to our attention that Mr. I. Oracle, a civilian,
> possesses an amount of knowledge of secret government operations that
> violates all 17 sections of the Covert Information Code.  He is
> therefore required to provide us immediately with his whereabouts and
> the name of his attorney so that we may confine him before any further
> damage is done.
>
> Any attempt to evade or otherwise interfere with this arrest will be
> prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
>
> Thank you for your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION STUDIOS
}
}                    TOP SECRET
}
} Working script for "The X-Files", Episode 6X26
}
} Working titles:  "The Oracle and Daniel Webster"
}                  "askme" ("tellme?")
}                  "Overacting Omniscience"
}
} (OPENING:  Darkness)
}
} SCULLY:  Where are we, Mulder?
}
} MULDER:  We're in a large Midwestern university, looking for the
} Oracle.
}
} SCULLY:  No, I mean WHERE are we standing?  I can't see a thing.
}
} MULDER:  Hmmm...  Turn on your flashlight.
}
} (Scully and Mulder turn on their flashlights, producing two white beams
} through the fog that apparently fills the Computer Science building.)
}
} SCULLY:  Hell, I still can't see anything.  (She gratuitously shines
} her light into the camera to produce a glare.)
}
} MULDER:  Yeah, put now we both have light sabers!  Whoosh!  Swoosh!
}
} SCULLY:  Stop that!  Now, why did you drag me all the way here?
}
} MULDER:  We're looking for the Internet Oracle.  I believe that it is
} an emergent life form, arising from the vast complexity of Cyberspace.
}
} SCULLY:  Um... I think we've done this before.  About two years ago.
} (See Episode 5X11 "Kill Switch").
}
} MULDER:  Hmm... You're right...  Or maybe that's just want THEY want us
} to think.
}
} SCULLY:  That's it.  I'm outta here.  (She turns off her flashlight.
} Darkness.)
}
} MULDER:  Scully?  Scully!  Where are you!  (Dials cellular phone.)
} Skinner? Scully's been abducted!  She's gone!  I'm pretty sure it's by
} same people who took my sister!
}
} SCULLY:  (Turning her flashlight back on.)  Mulder, I'm right here.
} Criminy, you're paranoid.  I haven't been abducted for over a week.
}
} (Notes from Carter:  Okay, this plot needs a little work.  I like the
} darkness, though, it works, run with it.  We still have to add the
} mandatory murders for the segues into the :20 and :30 minute commercial
} breaks. (Note, may be necessary to add two more characters...unless...)
}  Like use of cell phone (good prop, already paid for).  "Oracle" is new
} angle, like it lots.  Maybe work in something about Chupa Cabras, or
} ghosts.  Ghosts are good.  Easy to do the special effects.  Still with
} darkness to reduce special effect budget.  Gotta run...developing two
} new series for FOX today...  C.C.)
}
} You owe the Oracle something better to watch on Sunday nights.


1076-08    (58jpd dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, versed in Euclidean and non-Euclidean geometry, who can drink
> out of a klein bottle and find the other side of a Mobius strip...
>
> Is the universe flat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No. It is, in fact, carbonated.
}
} You owe the Oracle a diet soda.


1076-09    (2chng dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> OH GREAT ONE;
>  WHAT CAN I DO TO BE HOLY LIKE YOU?
>
> A

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Young A, I applaud your most worthy and becoming desire to achieve
} sanctity! So many of today's youth are interested only in sex, drugs
} and sneakers, but I detect in you a deeper spirituality that sets you
} apart from the soulless bulk of contemporary humankind.
}
} But - be warned! - the road you are embarking on is long and arduous.
} Along the way, you will have to cast off all the chains that bind
} you to the material plane by fasting, self-denial and - above all -
} meditation. But you can do it, I know you can. And the rewards will
} be beyond your wildest imaginings!
}
} To get you started, let's try some meditation. Clear your mind and
} focus your attention on some inanimate object in the room, it doesn't
} matter what. I know! As you're seated at your computer anyway, let's
} take the keyboard. Observe its rectangular form, its rounded corners,
} its beigy colour, its slightly rough texture, its little green lights,
} some on, some off. Observe its manifold keys of differing shapes and
} sizes. Don't touch them!
}
} Let your mind become one with the keyboard. This may take some hours,
} if not days, as this is your first attempt, but persevere. Just relax
} and let it happen. Then, before you know it, you are no longer merely
} observing the keyboard; you _are_ the keyboard! Hold that feeling!
} Across your forehead stretch a row of function keys. Your right hand
} is a numeric keypad. Your legs are short, plastic stubs which flip
} up and down. Just beneath your skin, clusters of pressure-sensitive
} pads pass information to a network of printed circuits. From your
} navel, your umbilicus snakes out. It is plugged into the cosmic
} motherboard!
}
} Try and hold this trance state for at least eight hours. You've
} probably missed a few meals by now and are feeling the pangs of
} hunger; just imagine they're really fingers clattering over the keys
} covering your abdomen.
}
} Now, having mentally become one with the keyboard, you must physically
} join with it as well. Take your left hand and slowly lower it. With
} great care - but without looking! - touch your left index finger to
} the fourth key from the top on the extreme left hand side of the
} keyboard. Depress this key and then break contact immediately! Now
} allow your mind to drift back into your own body. Breathe deeply and
} become yourself again. Thus endeth the first lesson.
}
} Well, young A, I won't promise that you'll have attained enlightenment
} after just this one session, but at least you'll have disengaged your
} bloody Caps Lock key and done us all a favour. In our next lesson,
} we'll cover the Zen qualities of a really good grovel.


1076-10    (4ekp7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle? Where am I? It's dark and this computer is the only thing I can
> find. I can only hope you get this message before I starve...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh good, I love a challenge. Let's see - I guess I need to start with
} the headers:
}
} > Received: (from jungledrum.fly.to)
} >     by oracle.cs.indiana.edu (8.8.7/8.8.7/IUCS_2.21) id OAA29759;
} >     Sun, 8 Feb 1998 14:27:07 -0500 (EST)
}
} So far so good. All right, it's been in the queue for a while, but I'm
} a busy Being, you know. I can tell that the message came from one of
} those 'vanity' domains, although the unschooled might assume that it
} came from (hah!) The Republic of Tonga.
}
} Let's see... who administrates .to? Ah yes, H.R.H. Crown Prince
} Tupouto'a, on the host tonic.to. Let's see who's responsible for
} fly.to...
}
} Aha. The primary nameserver is in fact jungledrum. Let's do a whois on
} jungledrum...
}
} Got it. AEFlygrrl@tol.to. Tonga Online, I guess. So she must have been
} the one who sent the message. One last step - Check her TOL Personal
} Profile:
}
} Name: Amelia
} Location: 3rd atoll to the left, near where the sharks gather.
} Age: "after 100, a grrl doesn't have to tell any more!"
} Likes: Cats, unicorns, single-prop aircraft
} Dislikes: The patriarchy, being stranded in the middle of the Pacific
} Favorite Quote: "I'm running out of food! Someone get me off of here!"
}
} AEFlygrrl last logged on Tues, 10 Feb 1998.
}
} Oh.
}
} Someone call National Geographic - tell them we have good news and bad
} news...


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