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Internet Oracularities #1077

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Internet Oracularities #1077    (73 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 14 Feb 1999 00:10:30 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1077
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1077  73 votes 5hui3 7oua2 5ewj3 39hrh 6kdoa 8rt45 7cmma 03wrb qvd30 5esfb
1077  3.0 mean  3.0   2.7   3.0   3.6   3.2   2.6   3.2   3.6   1.9   3.2


1077-01    (5hui3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, Dear Oracle,
>
> What would you prefer, an Infocom parody, or an Eliza parody?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I would of course prefer a Robert McElwaine parody, but nobody seems
} to do them any more....
}
} Have you ever heard of Parry, the Eliza clone that simulates paranoid
} behaviour? Now, can we imagine an Infocom game that did the same.
}
} > LOOK ROOM
}
} The room is empty.
}
} > WHY EMPTY?
}
} They've hidden the bugs so you can't see them.
}
} > SWEEP ROOM FOR BUGS
}
} I'm sorry, I don't understand 'SWEEP'
}
} > SEARCH ROOM FOR BUGS
}
} I didn't find any bugs. Perhaps the bug has been surgically implanted
} into your brain while you weren't looking.
}
} > GO DOCTOR
}
} You are in the doctor's surgery
}
} > ASK DOCTOR TO X-RAY HEAD
}
} The doctor asks why you want your head x-rayed
}
} > SAY TO FIND BUG
}
} The doctor asks if you have a moth in your ear
}
} > SAY NO, NOT THAT KIND OF BUG, AN ELECTRONIC BUG
}
} The doctor looks at you strangely and says that he's not prepared to
} x-ray your head for that reason.
}
} > INVENT REASON
}
} He is one of them, he was the one who put the bug in your head. Of
} course he doesn't want to x-ray your head, he doesn't want you to find
} it.
}
} > RUN SCREAMING FROM SURGERY
}
} As you, clothes akimbo, eyes bright red, run screaming from the
} surgery, everyone in the waiting room suddenly stops speaking.
}
} > INVENT REASON
}
} They're all government robots sent to spy on you, and went quiet so
} that anything you say will be transmitted straight to the secret
} police.
}
} You owe this incarnation a ticket to a consciousness raising clinic so
} that I won't make fun of the mentally ill in future.


1077-02    (7oua2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've just recently got to know two girls, they are sharing an apartment
> and I am in quite a dilemma. I like both, but only have serious
> intentions toward one of them.
>
> My question is thus: How do I date one of them without hurting the
> other ones feelings, or should I throw all considerations overboard and
> make my move, and hope not to crash and burn.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ignorant supplicant. Both of these girls are still living, and carbon
} dating is only effective once the organism has been dead for about
} 50,000 years. And if you date, one, you'll hurt the one you take the
} sample from, not the other one. Remember to use a really sharp scapel
} and use a local anasthetic.
}
} You owe The Oracle a tribolite fossil, but it must be Aries.


1077-03    (5ewj3 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> MOMMY! MOMMY!
>
> I want the Oracle to answer my woodchuck question!
>
> MOMMY! And I want Og, Zadoc, and Lisa in the answer!
>
> MOMMMMMMMY!  MOMMMMMY!
>
> WAAAH!  WAAAH!!   WAAAAAAH!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hush little Supplicant, don't you cry
} Orrie's gonna ZOT! you by and by
} If you ask the W**dch*ck question
} And keep giving Zadoc indigestion
} And if poor Zadoc's stomach's OK
} Lisa will take aim and blow you away
} And if by some chance Lisa doesn't hit
} Og take club pound you to #$&*((Q*&@#!((*!&@#&(~NO CARRIER


1077-04    (39hrh dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many types would a typeface face, if a typeface would face types?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The sun beat down on the deserted Main Street of Alphabet city. A lone
} dustbunny came rolling by, and in the distance the shrill whistle of a
} train could be heard, as if it was already mourning those who would
} surely die here in the next couple of minutes. The big clock in the
} church tower indicated 11.58. Suddenly the eerie silence (the train had
} shut up by now) was broken by the thunder of hooves. Leading a big
} dustcloud, in rode four mean-looking outlaws. They pulled their horses
} to an abrupt stop in front of the saloon, tied them to a post and put
} some silver dollars in the parking meters. They walked to the middle of
} Main street and lined up alongside each other. A gust of wind made
} their long coats flare up while scared eyes watched the notorious
} TrueType Gang from behind closed curtains. At the far right was Eerie
} Arial, skinny and wearing simple clothes. Next to him stood Tough Times
} New Roman, who wore big spurs on his boots, and a wide brimmed hat. He
} was flanked by Crazy 'Italic' Courrier, who definately looked skewed.
} The last font was the meanest of them all: Warped Wingdings. Not much
} was known about this character, except that he was one tough son of a
} pitch.
}
} The bell in the clocktower started chiming its twelve o'clock
} countdown.
}
} Inside the saloon, Miss Lucida C. was trying to convince our intrepid
} Hero "Type Face" (Face for short) not to rise to the challenge. "Don't
} go out there Face, you'll get deleted! I don't want to lose you, I love
} you!". Face took her chin between his sturdy fingers, looked deep into
} her eyes and said "You know we were never meant to be, babe, we're from
} differen words. I have to go out there and finish those bastards. When
} I'm done with them, they'll be deader than PostScript.". "Oh all right
} then, if you must!" cried Lucida. "But before you go out there, give me
} one last kiss!". Face kissed her long and deep. Emboldened, he went
} outside, checking his holstered mousepointer one last time. He calmly
} walked into the center of Main Street and faced the four outlaws while
} the bell rang for the 12th time.
}
} The entire world seemed to hold its breath.
}
} Suddenly, WingDing drew his pointer and selected Face with one deft
} double click. Just when he was about to delete him, Face minimized
} himself, causing the selection to default to Courrier, who never knew
} what hit him as WingDing pressed delete. Meanwhile, Times was trying to
} close Face's window, but he quickly fired up a porn site in his browser
} that opened 382 sponsor windows that all popped up in front of him,
} forcing Times to close them all one at a time. The porn distracted
} Arial so much that Face was able to delete his sourcefile, causing
} Arial to disappear when his window was refreshed. Times was still busy
} closing Explorer windows, but unfortunately he was using the latest
} beta, which proved to be unstable. It blew up after the 128th window (8
} bit signed int overflow probably) and took the unfortunate font with
} it. Wingdings, being the sole survivor of the once so proud TrueType
} Gang, made a last desperate attempt to kill Face by going straight to
} the Task Manager and terminating his process. Just when he was about to
} click the "Kill Process" button, Lucida came up behind him and shot him
} with a Powertoy. All that remained of the WingDing font was the
} pointing finger, which limped away slowly, no longer a threat to
} anyone.
}
} Lucida looked at Face, her own face a big (26pts) question mark. Face
} shook his head. "I'm sorry dollface, but there are other types out
} there that need facing.". And with a tear in his eye, he mounted his
} horse and rode off into the sunset.
}
} You owe the Oracle some new fonts. Windows ate mine.


1077-05    (6kdoa dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Usenet oracle, most patient and wise of all, who can take
> 100 tech support calls in the blink of an eye, and who has the power
> to ZOT! annoying callers faster than blaring dialtone....
>
> Why are some of the callers on my tech support line so dang annoying???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your call has been routed to the Usenet Oracle's Question Support Line.
}
} If you have a question that only the Oracle can answer, press 1, <hold
} 1><submenu 1>
} If you have a question that someone besides the Oracle could answer,
} press 2, then hang up, <hold 1><submenu 2>
} If you have a question that the Oracle has answered a million times
} before press 3 27 times, <hold 1><submenu 3>
} If you don't have a question but just feel like hanging with the Oracle,
} press 4, then hang up, then get a life, <hold 1><submenu 4>
} If you have reached the Oracle by accident, press 5 <hold 1><submenu 5>
} If you do not believe that you have reached the Oracle, despite all
} evidence to the contrary, go away
}
} <hold 1>
} Hi there. You are in communication with the Usenet Oracle.  The Oracle
} is all-powerful and all-seing, so -obviously- it knows you are holding.
} Your question is important to us, so please stay on the line.  Okay,
} to be honest, your question is not that important to us, but it must
} be important to you or you'd hang up and go away instead of wracking
} up long-distance charges waiting for the Oracle who, quite frankly,
} is busy and may be a while <cue music: anything on Windham Hill>
}
} <submenu 1>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line.  Your question is
} obviously a conundrum of the highest order to require the Oracle's
} special attention.
} If your question pertains to space/time/dimensional paradoxes, press 1,
} <hold 2><sub-submenu 1>
} If your question involves relationships/and/or/sexual entanglements,
} press 2, <hold 2><sub-submenu 2>
} If your question is one the Oracle has answered a million times before
} press 3 27 times, <hold 2><submenu 3>
} If your question has anything to do with politics, press 4 <hold
} 2><sub-submenu 4>
}
} <submenu 2>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line.  Your question
} is too mundane to be handled by the Oracle and we must request you
} to take your business elsewhere.  Also, you can't follow simple
} directions, since you were supposed to hang up.  You might start by
} answering a question yourself: am I stupid or what?  See if you can
} successfully hang up this time.
}
} <submenu 3>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line.  The Oracle is
} tired of this question. Figure it out yourself, or read the Oracle's
} archives at: http://www.pcnet.com/~stenor/oracle/archive.html.
} If your question has anything to do with woodchucks, please destroy
} yourself immediately.
}
} <submenu 4>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line. No one hangs with
} the Oracle, got that?  No one!  And you were supposed to hang up, moron.
} Like the Oracle would be seen with you....
}
} <submenu 5>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line by accident.  So
} scram already.
}
} <hold 2>
} Hi there, you are still in contact with the remarkably astute and
} well-rounded Oracle.  While your question gnaws feverishly in your
} brain the Oracle is busy with many other things of excruciating import,
} all of which are in line in front of you, unfortunately. Rest assured,
} the Oracle will eventually get to you at some point, hopefully, maybe.
} <cue music: Yanni at the Acropolis>
}
} <sub-submenu 1>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line for
} space/time/dimensional paradoxes.  Please continue to hold/held/will
} hold depending upon temporal dislocality.  The Oracle will be/has
} been/is being with you soon/now/previously.
}
} <sub-submenu 2>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line for
} relationships/and/or/sexual entanglements.  The Oracle will be with
} you in a while, but if you've reached the point where you're asking the
} Oracle for advice on your love-life, you're probably already screwed.
} Or not screwed as the case may be.  The Oracle just thought you should
} know that.
}
} <sub-submenu 4>
} Hi, you've reached the Oracle's Question Support Line for politics.  The
} Oracle is knowledgable in this as well as all other arenas.
} If you're an ultra-conservative, press 1 <hold 3><sub-sub-submenu 1>
} If you're a conservative, press 2 <hold 3><sub-sub-submenu 2>
} If you're moderate, press 3 <hold 3><sub-sub-submenu 3>
} If you're liberal, press 4 <hold 3><sub-sub-submenu 4>
} If you're a socialist, press 5 <hold 3><sub-sub-submenu 5>
} If you're a libertarian, figure it out for yourself.
}
} <hold 3>
} The Oracle understands that you have serious concerns about the
} nature of politics, and the disgusting excesses that run riot when
} lesser beings than the Oracle feebly attempt to govern themselves.
} Hold for quite some time and the Oracle will deign to grace you with
} --if not an understanding of the scabrous nature of politics-- then
} at least an appreciation for the sordidity of the whole affair.
}
} <sub-sub-submenu 1>
} Everything is the fault of the left-wing.  Please hold.
}
} <sub-sub-submenu 2>
} It mostly the Democrat's fault.  Please hold.
}
} <sub-sub-submenu 3>
} Extremeism is the root of all evil.  Please hold.
}
} <sub-sub-submenu 4>
} It's the damn Republicans causing all of the trouble.  Please hold.
}
} <sub-sub-submenu 5>
} Off the bourgeoisie, man!  Hold please.
}
} If you ever get through to the Oracle, you will owe the Oracle bigtime.


1077-06    (8rt45 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <fungaroc@gusun.georgetown.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I acknowledge you, Most Wise Oracle, as the first rudiment of being,
> You are that which we lowly mortals need to listen to closely;
>
> Once we humans master DNA manipulation what will be the first ten
> things well change about the bodies of future generations?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The TOP TEN THINGS WE'LL CHANGE ABOUT THE BODIES OF FUTURE GENERATIONS:
}
} No. 10: Fuller lips.
}
} No. 9: Smaller hips.
}
} No. 8: No Linda Tripps.
}
} No. 7: The bellybuttons of the future will attract no lint.
}
} No. 6: Flatulence won't be eliminated, but it will be in a variety of
} pleasing fragrances.
}
} No. 5: Men will have a retractable shell that will virtually eliminate
} athletic cups.
}
} No. 4: Unfortunately, so will women.
}
} No. 3: A freak accident will leave the entire population of Newark
} looking like Abe Vigoda.
}
} No. 2: Over-eaters will be able to have their fingers replaced with
} eating utensils.
}
} No. 1: The bodies of the future will have their own moon.
}
} You owe the Oracle about $300 worth of repairs to the Oraclemobile's
} frame.


1077-07    (7cmma dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [This question is reserved for incarnations who are willing to write at
> least ten lines for it.
>
> THIS MEANS YOU!]
>
> Oh, great Oracle, who knows the secret to life eternal,
>
> How will Zadoc die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The following is an excerpt from _Zadoc:  An Unauthorized
} Biography_, by Suntee O'Clare, to be published in A.D. 2068.]
}
} Chapter XLII
} The End of the Road
}
} It was a sunny day when Zadoc had been finally cast out of the
} Oracular temple. Trudging resignedly (actually rolling pathetically)
} down the stairs, he snickered joylessly to himself at the irony.
} He, the great priest Zadoc, had been cast out -- not for his
} multiple torrid affairs with the Oracle's girlfriend, Lisa, but
} because his trademark sycophantic adulation had finally gotten to be
} more than even the Oracle could stand.  The single thing that had
} gotten him so far in the priesthood was also his undoing.
}
} Now, he was little more than a senile old man in priestly robes
} which, thanks to Lisa's keen fashion sense, made him stick out like
} a hooker in a convent.  Zadoc considered giving up at that point.
} Actually, in all honesty, he threw himself in front of the first
} passing tractor-trailer out of despair.  The desired effect was not
} achieved, however, for though the truck slammed into his frail old
} body at nearly sixty-five miles per hour, Zadoc was utterly unhurt.
} The truck driver gaped in awe as Zadoc stood, dusted himself off,
} and wandered off, mumbling to himself.
}
} Zadoc spent most of the rest of the day trying to kill himself, with
} absolutely no success whatsoever.  Guns, poison, slit wrists, tall
} buildings...nothing seemed to do the trick.  A thought crept from
} the recesses of Zadoc's mind.  "What if..." he thought, "Yes...that
} would explain EVERYTHING."  In the days that followed, Zadoc
} discovered all sorts of physical powers he had never had before.  He
} seemed nearly infinitely strong and fast.  He was even somehow
} suddenly able to fly.  Almost without thinking about it, plans for
} revenge against the Oracle began to crystallize in his head.  One
} day, he was ready, and he flew back to the Oracular temple for the
} first time since his forced departure.
}
} Zadoc effortlessly ripped the twenty foot high oaken front doors
} cleanly off the hinges, and advanced menacingly toward the Oracle,
} who was worryingly calm.  Zadoc stopped just in front of the
} Oracular throne, and cut off the Oracle when he attempted to speak.
} "SILENCE!" thundered Zadoc, "I've figured it all out now.  The
} abuse, the subjugation, all so I wouldn't discover my true
} birthright, my DESTINY!  Today, you PAY for your subversion!!!"
} Zadoc felt flushed and weak suddenly, but he mentally wrote it
} off to the excitement.  Nothing would stop him this time.  With
} that, Zadoc produced a katana from within his robes. "There can BE
} only ONE!" he roared, and lunged awkwardly to attack.  The sword
} seemed awfully heavy.  Halfway to the throne, he collapsed, gasping,
} every part of his body suddenly on fire with pain.
}
} The Oracle, who had not moved through all of this, looked upon Zadoc
} with pity.  "So close," he said, "but you got the wrong movie.
} Honestly, I'd have thought the flying was a clue.  All of the
} above-ground walls in this temple, as well as the throne here, are
} laced quite heavily with kryptonite as a safety measure, a sort of
} contingency plan.  Being all-knowing has its perks.  Keeping you
} crawling and slaving in the underground computer labs wasn't just to
} keep your skin pasty white, you know.  I doubt you even noticed
} any effect this throne had on you before you got out in the sun,
} especially considering your predilection for falling immmediately
} to your knees anyway.  There was simply no power in you for it to
} sap.  It was in my best interests to keep you out of the yellow
} sunshine, you see, or at least it WAS until that jerk Kent refused
} to send me my cut of his endorsement deals.  The comic book, the
} movies, the action figures...we'd agreed on twenty percent for me in
} exchange for keeping you out of the picture.  I don't know why he
} decided to stiff me after all this time.  I tried to get him to the
} temple to discuss our arrangement man-to-man, but he's apparently a
} lot smarter than you are.  I have to admit that keeping the second
} son of Krypton as my personal, snivelling, boot-licking slave had
} its own appeal, but business is business.  Did you really believe
} that *I* had gotten tired of being sucked up to?  Unfortunately, you
} got it all wrong, as usual, and the chickens have indeed come home
} to roost.  You were right about one thing, though.  There CAN be
} only one..."  The Oracle calmly turned the dial on his staff of
} <ZOT> past "char-broil" and set it to "extra crispy."  Then, shaking
} his head sadly, he raised the staff, and the great Zadoc's ashes
} scattered through the drafty hall.
}
} You owe the Oracle twenty percent of the Superman royalties from
} "Seinfeld" alone.  Oh, and a grovel.  THIS MEANS YOU.  They'll be
} hard to come by when Zadoc's gone.


1077-08    (03wrb dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most ept and ebriated Oracle:
>
> I'm standing on top of a snow covered mountain.  Both feet are firmly
> strapped to a board, the underside of which is as frictionless as human
> science can make it.  The signs in front of me have black diamonds,
> which my friends told me means "reasonably easy."
>
> What do I do now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well.  That depends on who you are.
}
} If you are:                            You should:
} ------------------- -----------------------------------------------
} An experienced      Lay off the drugs, because you're forgetting
} snowboarder         that double black diamonds really mean the
}                     trail is "extremely difficult".
}
} An Olympic          Take some more drugs, because for you, that
} snowboarder         trail really is "easy", so you might as well go
}                     for it and earn some more "licensing fees".
}                     Just don't take so many that you forget who to
}                     send the "money" to.
}
} A new snowboarder   Get some new "friends".
}
} A skier             Get some new insurance.
}
} Someone having a    Take off your clothes and wait till Janet Reno
} dream               passes by driving a giant carrot.  Then leap
}                     off the cliff.  You'll fly briefly, then emerge
}                     from a large pizza as a new topping.  When you
}                     wake up, you might want to see an experienced
}                     snowboarder about some drugs.
}
} Sonny Bono          Think back!  Recall anything vaguely familiar?
}
} Bill Gates          Go for it, dude!
}
} You owe the Oracle that cool little palm computer you used to do
} email from a mountaintop.  It's not like you'll be needing it any more.


1077-09    (qvd30 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a small blue rubber ball and a rosewood
> clock with a quartz mechanism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HA! I've heard that one before, nice try, but you're not going to get
} me to say that...my mother could read it!
}
} You owe the Oracle a small blue rubber ball and a rosewood clock with a
} quartz mechanism.


1077-10    (5esfb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, what miseries and mockeries did I experience, when as a boy,
> I had not yet heard of you, now I am on the path to truth and order in
> this world and I hope I might prosper, and excel in tongue-science.
>
> Will TV ever become a mature technology?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't fret, o Supplicant.
}
} Remember that any young technology has a rocky childhood, and is apt to
} have some teething problems.
} Consider, for example, the ballistic techology:
}
} * A million years ago, humans were confined to throwing rocks at each
} other's heads.
}
} * Then, during the Roman empire, inventions such as the ballista and
} the catapult allowed humans to hurdle large blunt objects as far as
} half a mile, and miss with a higher degree of precision.
}
} * In the middle ages, the chinese invention called 'powder' was applied
} to the ballistic technology, producing 'muskets' which allowed you to
} hurdle *small* blunt objects against each other, and miss with an even
} higher degree of precision. It also went 'BANG' wether or not you
} actually  *hit* something, an effect which was described by esteemed
} scientist and inventor Leonardo Da Vinci as 'Pretty Cool!'
}
} * Five hundred years of further development (Cannons, Rifles,
} Machine-guns, Rockets, Surface-to-air missiles, Air-to-air missiles,
} ICBMs) later, we can now, from the safety and comfort of our own homes,
} press a button and launch a massive array of highly destructive
} ballistic weapons at nasty bandits like Saddam Hussein, Muammar Khadafi
} and Mike Levy, and *still* see them appearing on television the next
} day, going 'neener neener!'
}
} Which is just to say that any technology will mature with the demands
} of its users. As the user demands for reliability, stability,
} accountability and usefulness grow, so will the technology advance to
} meet those demands. Naturally, this should apply to TV as well.
}
} Let's see what's on right now, shall we?
}
}  <click>
}
}     "...Do you hear me, Hogan? The glove has been dropped, you big
} momma's boy! Pick it up, or suffer eternal shame! Get up here in the
} ring with me, and I'm gonna WIPE YOU OUT! I'm gonna make you CRY LIKE A
} BABY! I'm gonna TIE YOU UP and MAIL YOU TO ABU DHABI! I'm gonna wring
} you like a towel and use you to WIPE MY TOILET! I'm gonna...."
}
} Hmm. Political debates. Boring!
}
} <click>
}
}     "...And THUS spake THE LORD unto me: Thou shalt tell them to SELL
} their WORLDLY POSSESSIONS, for they are EVIL and the TOOLS of the
} DEVIL! And thou shalt tell them to SEND YOU THE PROCEEDS, so that thou
} may coninue your HOLY QUEST for MORE FLASHY LIMOUSINES. And thou shalt
} USE those proceedings as YOU SEE FIT. For I am THE LORD, and..."
}
} What's this? Oh, the IRS channel. Oh, goody!
}
} <click>
}
}    "BANG! BOOM! KER-SPLASH! KA-ZAAM! EKI-EKI-EKI-EKI-TA-PANG!!"
}
} CNN is getting pretty grimey lately...
}
} <click>
}
}    "Today on Ricki Lake: "I MARRIED A PSYCHO SERIAL KILLER, *AND* I'M
} DATING MY FATHER. WHO SHALL I CHOOSE?"
}
} Yuck!
}
} <click>
}
}   "Tonight on Letterman: MIDGET JUGGLING, THROWING STUFF OFF OF
} BUILDINGS, AND HUMILIATING PEDESTRIANS!!"
}
} <click>
}
}   "Oh, Ridge! You have to make up your mind. It's either me or Taylor!"
}   "Oh, Logan! How can I choose? I'm a devilishly handsome fashion
} designer without so much as a hint of testosterone.
}    I must let my mother decide this, while I'm busying myself with
} designing pink underwear and looking vulnerable..."
}
} <click>
}
}   "Oh Bill! You have to make up your mind. It's either me or Monica!"
}   "Oh, Rodham! How can I choose? I'm a big fat bob of political
} shrewdness, without so much as a hint of credibility. I must let my
} staff work on a statement, while I'm busying myself with evading
} questions and chasing tails.. er.. votes..."
}
} Never though I'd see *them* on 'Jerry Springer'. Oh well...
}
} <click>
}
} Well, Supplicant, you get the point. Television will be a mature medium
} once the taste of its viewers has matured enough to alter the demands
} for more culture, intellect and good taste.
}
} Specifically, this will happen once the entire human race has been
} obliterated, and Earth is dominated by evolved Chihuahuas.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good book.... Oh, look! 'Baywatch' is on! You owe
} the Oracle a VCR. With a Zoom function.


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