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Internet Oracularities #1078

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Internet Oracularities #1078    (77 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 16 Feb 1999 09:29:44 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1078
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1078  77 votes b7cmp drm87 9xm76 ktk62 cnt94 fpl97 8osa7 5guj7 6rpg3 2jul5
1078  2.8 mean  3.6   2.6   2.6   2.2   2.6   2.6   2.8   3.1   2.8   3.1


1078-01    (b7cmp dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, who art in Zot, hallowed be thy name... thy kingdom come,
> thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Zot, give me this day my
> daily answer, and forgive me for my woodchuck questions, as I forgive
> others for thier woodchuck questions, and lead me not into question,
> but deliver me from Zadoc, for thine is the wisdom, the knowledge,
> and the wittiness for ever and ever...  Amends!
>
> How ya doin'?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fine, thanks for asking!
}
} Y'know, that was possibly the nicest grovel I've seen in oh, say, 45
} minutes!
}  Why, here I was, idly answering supplications at a lazy rate of
} 64,000 per minute (I'm fast. Just ask Lisa), thinking to myself:
} "When am I gonna get a decent grovel from these impudent ingrates?".
} And *ding* goes the mailbox, and something like this pops up, and I
} think to myself 'Now that's more like it!'.
}
} I tellya, the quality of the average supplication today....
}
}    "ORACLE!"
}
} Huh? Who was that?
}
}   "THIS IS JEHOVAH SPEAKING!!"
}
} Oh. Hi, Pop! How's it hanging?
}
}   "TWO INCHES FROM A CROSS, JUST AS ALWAYS"
}
} Ha, ha. What can I do you for?
}
}   "WHAT'S THIS _PRAYING_ BULLS**T YOU'RE GETTING?"
}
} Oh, it's just a very nice supplication (although I must admit the
} actual *question* leaves something to be desi...
}
}   "DO YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO CONDONE THIS?"
}
} Well, it's a very nice grovel, don't you think?
}
}   "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? *ME*?"
}
} Well, I *am* a Deity, you know...
}
}   "YOU ARE NOT A GOD! YOU ARE VAIN AND FOOLISH!"
}
} Hey, be nice, okay, pal? You need to work on your people skills, you
} know? And what's more, you need to TOGGLE THAT DAMN CAPS-LOCK KEY!
} I'not deaf you know! And I am *TOO* a God!!!
}  See? I have a long beard! I have a long, flowing robe. I have cool
} power-tools! I can incinerate any human being, building or piece of
} legal evidence on a mere whim. Plus, I have a real crappy temper. And
} I'm immortal, too boot! God material, for sure!
} So there!
}
}    "YOU ARE BUT A MERE INK-BLOTCH IN THE GIANT BOOK OF LIFE!
}     YOU ARE BUT A CIGARETTE IN AN 'AA' MEETING!
}     YOU ARE BUT A FLY-SPECK ON THE WINDSHIELD OF TIME!
}     YOUR SIGNIFICANCE IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS IS THAT OF A
}     DAVID HASSELHOFF SONG ON THE TOP 40!
}     YOU ARE BUT A QUARTER OF SCOTCH IN TED KENNEDY'S CUPBOARD!
}
} Ouch! That hurt! What's your beef, anyway?
}
}    "MORTALS ARE SUPPOSED TO PRAY TO *ME*!
}     YOU'RE MUSCLEING IN ON MY TERRITORY!!"
}
} Oh yeah? So what? Whatcha gonna do about it, Big Boy?
}
}    "AHM GOAN MESS YOU UP!"
}
} (whipping up the staff of Zot with gunslinger speed)
} You coppin' a attitude, Boy? Wanna pick a fight, huh?
}
}    "COME GET IT, BUBBA! IT'S RIGHT HERE!"
}
} (Pregnant pause, during which The Oracle sneaks around the Oracular
} Halls, in a Miami Vice-style semi-crouch, holding his s.o.Z in front
} of him with both hands. Kinda like Will Smith in 'Bad Boys'. Except
} that he isn't black, OR funny, and looks pretty dorky in his white
} robe.)
}
} Where _are_ you, anyway? I can't see you!
}
}    "HAH! THAT'S WHAT ALL THE PHILOSOPHERS SAY!
}    KEEP'EM GUESSING, I ALWAYS SAY!"
}
} No fair! How'm Ah s'poseta ZOT yo ass if I cain't *seeya*?
}
}    "JUST LIKE YOU DO THAT CRAP EBONICS IMITATION:
}    TRIAL AND FAILURE. MOSTLY FAILURE. HEH, HEH!"
}
} C'mon out, you big chicken! Fight like a man!
}
} (GOD appears, in a flash of blinding light)
}
} Aaaagh! My eyes! I'm blind! Oh God, I'm blind!!!
}
}    "THIS IS EXCACTLY WHY I DON'T GET TO DATE MUCH."
}
} (The oracle fumbles blindly inside his long, flowing robe for a few
} seconds, eventually producing a pair of Ray-Bans. He puts them on,
} which makes him actually look pretty fly for a white guy.)
}
} Hah! I *knew* these would come in handy. I'm not omniscient for
} nothing, you know.
}
}    "WHAT DOES 'OMNISCIENT' MEAN?"
}
} It basically means that I'm very smart and knows how to spell tough
} words.
}
}    "ENOUGH PUSSYFOOTING! LET'S ROCK!
}    EAT FLAMING DEATH, HERETIC SCUM!
}    THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!"
}
} (An enormous bolt of immensely powerful lightning thunders down,
} incinerating  the roof, and hits the Oracle right in the head)
}
}    <ZZZZZZAAAAPPPPP!>
}
} (Fortunately the Oracle, who knows how to spell 'Omniscient', has
} anticipated this course of events, and has donned a
} lightning-repellent helmet which, not only averts the lightning bolt
} and saves his $200 hairdo, but also makes him look like a dork once
} again. Oh well, you can't have everything, can you?)
}
} Nice try, Jehovah! Now EAT THIS!
}
} <ZZZZZZOOOOOOOOOTTTTTT!>
}
} (GOD, who has tried to disguise himself as a piece of shrubbery, is
} hit dead center by the powerful Zot ray, and is immediately set on
} fire. So now you know where that 'burning bush' thing came from.)
}
}     "OUCH! I SHOULDA TRIED THE "ZOT REFLECTOR DISGUISE" INSTEAD.
}      BUMMER!"
}
} Stings, don't it? Muahaha! Ready to fold, Bush-Man?
}
} (GOD, calling down a torrent of rain, puts himself out quite nicely,
} and asssumes a more Zeus-like form. Complete with Marvel-style
} lightning-bolts ready to throw.)
}
}    "YOU WISH! TAKE THIS!!!"
}
}    <ZZZZAAAPPP!>
}
} <ZZZZOOOOTTTTT!>
}
}    <ZAAAAPPPP!>
}
} <ZZZZZZZZZOOOOTTTTTTT!>
}
} (A mighty battle ensues for eons, in which bolts of lightning and
} Zotting fly everywhere, incinerating millions of dollars' worth of
} property and looks pretty cool, to boot. Not enough exploding cars,
} sadly, but you gotta save something for the sequel.)
}
}    "Say, guys?"
}
} (The Oracle and God, in unison:)
}
} Huh? What? Who was that?"
} "HUH? WHAT? WHO WAS THAT?"
}
}    "It's me, Jesus. Remember me?
}    I'm the one who died for your sins, in order to save your
}    souls from eternal hellfire. Remember?"
}
} Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatcha want, Jesus?
} "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. WHATCHA WANT, JUNIOR?"
}
}    "Do you relly think that this kind of conduct is appropriate
}    for divine beings? Aren't you acting a bit childishly?"
}
} (The Oracle and GOD, sulkily:)
}
} Umm, no. Well, yeah, maybe, but...
} "UMM, NO. WELL, YEAH, MAYBE. BUT..."
}
}    "Furthermore, do you really think that this 'street-jive' talk
}     you're faking so badly sets a viable example for today's
}     impressionable youth? Is this the kind of attitude you wish to
}     inspire on thousands of Usenet readers (where the damage is sadly
}     done, already)?
}     Don't you have any sense of conduct and responsibility?"
}
} (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison, say nothing.)
}
}    "I'm frankly quite disappointed in the both of you.
}     You, Oracle, are supposed to be a 'Fountain of Wisdom', yet you
}     behave like a hubris-induced megalomaniac, requiring people to
}     grovel before you like a king, and tormenting and humiliating
}     your servants by requiring them to lick your boots.
}     A fine example to set for today's helpdesks, I'm sure.
}       And you, Father, are especially disappointing. I go to the
}     trouble of becoming mortal, living with and talking to and
}     preaching to common criminals and whores, just to promote your
}     image after those times you got drunk and mean and drowned the
}     earth, or destroyed a major city in the middle east, or boinked
}     some Jewish virgin. I go to extremes in non-violent, self-sacri-
}     ficing behavior to depict you as an entity of reason, kindness,
}     goodness and charity.
}       And you -- you blow it all by behaving like some street hoodlum
}     on crack with an inflated ego. I mean, *really*..."
}
} (The Oracle and GOD, in perfect unison:)
}
} <ZZZZAAAAPPP!!!!>
} <ZZZZOOOOTTT!!!!>
}
} Hey, Jehovah, that was a pretty fancy hip shot!
}
}    "WHY THANKS, ORRIE! YOU'RE PRETTY HANDY WITH THAT ZOT STAFF,
} YOURSELF."
}
} Who did that snot-nosed do-gooder think he was, anyway? He approached
} me without even trying to come up with a decent grovel, and then he
} prompts several *rhethorical* questions, and doesn't even let me
} answer. I mean, c'mon! I'm the Intenet Oracle, after all. He should
} *know* the rules.
}
}    "I KNOW. KIDS TODAY! NO RESPECT FOR THEIR ELDERS. YOU TRY TO RAISE
}     THEM, PAY THROUGH YOUR NOSE TO PUT THEM THROUGH SCHUL, AND THIS IS
}     THE THANKS YOU GET? I'M NOT EVEN SURE THE SANCTIMONIOUS LITTLE
}     BRAT WAS *MINE*..."
}
} You should have come to *me*. I would have told you. It would only
} have cost you thirty pieces of silver, too.
}
}    "NOW WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? OH WELL, WATER UNDER THE
}    BRIDGE...."
}
} Tell me something, Jehovah... you know that 'trinity' thing?
}
}    "YES?"
}
} ...where you, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are supposed to be *one*
} enity...?
}
}    "YES? WHAT ABOUT IT?"
}
} Well, I was wondering... Didn't you just *kill* him?
}
}    "OH CRAP!!"
}
} (God turns into a pile of smoldering ashes)
}
} Heh, heh! Don't mess with the Omniscient!
}
} (The oracle puts away his staff of Zot, and sits down at his terminal
} again, turning to the next supplication.)
}
} > Oh Oracle, who are far wiser than Zarathustra:
} >
} > My name is Friedrich, and I'm a big-shot German Philosopher.
} > Recently I've been trying to logically prove the existance of God,
} > but I've a hard time finding any evidence of his presence.
} > You who are Omniscient; where *is* he, anyway?
}
} And In response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} } Dear Friedrich,
} } I have a newsflash for you...


1078-02    (drm87 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle whose head is just big enough, so it's said, to contain all the
> knowing that could be known, read or unread...
>
> Why is it that when I go to the coffee bar to meet chicks all I end up
> meeting are other guys?  Are the chicks going there to meet other
> chicks or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me guess.  The place you're going is a triangular purple
} building named Drinky-Winky's, right?  Try hanging out at Po-bucks
} or Laa-Laa-Laate instead.
}
} You owe the Oracle something to put in Jerry Falwell's coffee.


1078-03    (9xm76 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                       MAKE ORACULARITIES FAST!!!
>
> This letter was first written by an Oracular incarnation in Greece in
> 438 B.C., and has traveled around the world at least 16 times.  At
> first I wouldn't believe that it would work, but after trying it, I am
> now a believer in its mystical and magical power!
>
> This letter was received by an incarnation in Newport News, R.I. in
> 1995 and within two weeks, he had completed a 17,000 line Oracularity
> and made the Oracularities digest for the first time!  A few years
> later, another incarnation received this letter and sent it to 5 of her
> friends, and she too completed a 3,100 line Oracularity which was so
> full of in-jokes and Oracular cliches that it has been digested 3 times
> so far!
>
> Simply write twenty lines of an Oracularity in response to the
> supplication for each incarnation on this list.  Than place your name
> in slot #1 and move everyone else's name down one space.  Send this
> letter with your next ten tellme's, and within a month, you too will
> have a digested Oracularity you can be proud of!
>
> 1.  Phillippe Montreaux, Montreal
>     Poorly disguised w**dchuck question
>
> 2.  William Gates, Redmond, WA
>     Geeky Unix man page parody
>
> 3.  Elaine Freenblender, Sydney, Australia
>     Clinton joke
>
> 4.  Zodoc, Bloomington, IN
>     Maze of twisty little passages all alike
>
> 5.  Al Gore, Washington, DC
>     Quayle joke
>
> The last person who received this letter and did not respond was
> tormented by having his own attempts at smart Oracularities rejected
> with no explanation for 3 years.  Today he works as a janitor in the
> Public Library of Blatt's Half Apple, Montana, trying to sneak enough
> time on a public terminal to submit an askme, making minimum wage, and
> just generally regretting his terrible decision not to perpetuate this
> letter.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'll have you know that chain omens are illegal in this state of being.
}
} I've forward this post to Your Provider and his Updream Connection.
}
} Get used to life without any foresight at all sucker as you're
} about lose it.


1078-04    (ktk62 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: <MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Damn hard drive crash, now I gotta write a new resume.  Have you got a
> decent Objective for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And to think, if we'd had Windows '95 back in 1939 World War II might
} never have happened.
}
} You can repay The Oracle by invading Serbia. They deserve it.


1078-05    (cnt94 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whooooooo whooooooooo whooooooooooo (rattle) whoooooooo whoooooo
> whooooooo Whoooooo whooooooooooo (door creaks) whoooooooooo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Phantom slowly, like gravy, silently approached. When it came,
} The Supplicant bent down upon his knee; for in the very air through
} which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter doom[0] and misery.
}
} It was shrouded in the manner of a priest of The Oracle, which is
} to say it looked like a dead-beat college student with a tendency
} to eat pizza as it typed, caring not where the food fell.
}
} "I am in the presence of the Ghost of Questions Yet To be Mailed?"
} said The Supplicant.
}
} The Spirit answered not, but made motions with it's hands as though
} typing.
}
} "You are about to show me shadows of the questions that have not been
} asked," The Supplicant pursued. "Is that so, Spirit?"
}
} The Sprit rolled it's eyes and mouthed the syllable 'D'oh".
}
} The Supplicant fell to his knees. ""Ghost of the Future Questions!" he
} exclaimed, "I fear you more than any spectre I have seen! But Sprit, I
} have learned. I saw the horror of questions past, the lame w..dch..k
} variations I sent in, the dirty jokes, the Steve Wright rip-offs. And
} I'll never forget seeing the horror of questions present, the endless
} string of rhod in-joke asides and Monica cigar quips. I have learned
} spare me the horrors of questions yet to be!"
}
} The Sprit placed his hands near his eyes and with thumbs on his lower
} lids and forefingers on upper lids The Sprit made his eyes wider than
} holes left in carcasses by 50 cal. rounds...
}
} "NO!" shouted the Supplicant. "Tell me the future will not belong
} to the followers of the lemur!"
}
} to be continued . . .
}
} [0] many thanks to id software for allowing us to use this word.


1078-06    (fpl97 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh master... with huge big "O", and little r-a-c-l-e
> i beg your wisdom on this matter...
>
> I'm increasingly worried by the definition of "sexual relations".
> By some explanations, it would appear that I had sexual relations with
> my mother 26 years ago, at birth. I'm worried... could this possibly be
> true? Incest is illegal here.
>
> yours
> El-Caro

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but don't worry about being arrested:
} you were decidedly under the age of legal
} responsibility at the time.


1078-07    (8osa7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: <MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, I humbly ask for clarification of a recent Answer.
>
> That helpful incarnation said:
>
> >} Supplicant, supplicant, supplicant. Find yourself a nice UNATTACHED
> >} girl. Frequent church socials, ask your friends if they known of
> >} anyone, go to cultured events like art shows or viola concerts.
>
> What do I do if:
>
> 1. I don't belong to a church.
> 2. My friends are not match makers or particularly helpful in this
>    area.
> 3. The only cultured events around here are associated with the local
>    university and as such most of the people there are far younger
>    than I.
>
> Also, how can you tell if someone is unattached?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > 1. I don't belong to a church.
}
}      Join one. Avoid operations that operate out of store-fronts,
}      work airports or chop off body parts for rules infractions.
}
} > 2. My friends are not match makers or particularly helpful in this
} > area.
}
}       Get new friends. You could meet new friends at church, or a
}       cultured event. Or you ask your friends if they know of any.
}
} > 3. The only cultured events around here are associated with the local
} >    university and as such most of the people there are far younger
} >    than I.
}
}      Supplicant! picky-picky-picky. You're the only male supplicant
}      in the last 14 years to complain about having to date a college
}      girl due to her age.
}
} > Also, how can you tell if someone is unattached?
}
}   Well, this site will show you what an attached female looks like.
}   You can figure it out from there.
}   http://www.skallas.chicagonet.net/twins.html
}
} You owe the Oracle two sailor caps.


1078-08    (5guj7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Witty and Kind, most Cool and Cruel, most Feared and
> Reververed;
>
> Did The Creator get a clean compile the first time? Or is that why it
> took seven days or what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, actually, it took almost seven thousand years for God to get it
} right.  That's why, in II Peter 3:8, He writes:
}
}   "But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day
}    is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as
}    one day",
}
} Thereby avoiding the wrath of His supervisor by simply redefining the
} word "day".  This also explains why a certain well-known software
} company has a habit of redefining words and phrases such as "useful"
} and "reliable" and "No, really, Your Honor, it is NOT an evil torture
} device from the Seventh Circle of Hell" -- God did, after all, create
} man in His image.
}
} You owe the Oracle one day of slavery.


1078-09    (6rpg3 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle of oracles, miracle of miracles, walker between
> worlds and expert for multi-culturalism please tell me:
>
> Why do so many people outside of Germany think that all
> Germans behave like Bavarians? Actually, what makes them
> think Bavaria is a part of Germany after all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Howdy, pardner! This hyar's the all-Amurkin, rootin' tootin' Innernet
} Oraycle speakin', jest a-rarin' tuh mount up an' lassoo me a few
} stray dogies out offen that thur question queue. Yeehaw!
}
} Whut's that yuh say? Shyoot, Ah cain't burley make out a ward.
} Y'all furrin or sumthang, boy?
}
} Bayvarians, yuh say? Now whut in tarnation is a dang Bayvarian? An'
} whah wud Ah thank a Germin wus a Bayvarian? A Germin's one of them
} thur furrin fellers whut wayrs leather shorts an' keeps his shavin'
} brush in his sombrero, durn silly place fer it. An' you coyotes dun
} start the last war, dintcher, yuh ornery li'l varmints? But we dun
} whup you good! That'll lern yuh tuh go a-puttin' prickly burrs under
} Uncle Sam's saddle blaynket, if yuh catch mah drift.
}
} Y'all owe the Oraycle (incarnated as Gabby Hayes, evidently) a multi-
} cultural perspective.


1078-10    (2jul5 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, antithesis of a katerfelto, cause of hours of rapturous
> applause. Like a Kerchief of Plesaunce to the Soul you are the Smartest
> being to have ever logged on anywhere.
>
> Please, Wisest One, comment on the following:
>
> It is said:  `If the bridegroom drinks therefrom before the bride, he
> will be master of his house; but if the bride gets the first draught,
> the mare will be the better horse.'
>
> Is this true? Is there a better, more modern way to determine this same
> fact?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, no.  That one won't work at all anymore.  Those "wedding
} planners" have the first sip of champagne scheduled like everything
} else on the little bridal checklist (item 127: Dance with bride's
} father.  145: Throw garter.  303: Have an affair.), so it's no good
} for prognostication.  Here's an updated version:
}
} "If the groom sends the first e-mail from the honeymoon, than he
} will be dominant in the marriage; if the bride does, her filesystem
} will rule.  (If they log on at the same time because they both
} brought computers on their honeymoon, the marriage will be a long
} and happy one.)"
}
} You owe the Oracle a set of wedding vows applicable to people who
} met and fell in love online.


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