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Internet Oracularities #1079

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Internet Oracularities #1079    (69 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 26 Feb 1999 14:49:57 -0500 (EST)

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   1079
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1079  69 votes 3amjf 6nlh2 5brj7 2ppd4 8gnd9 3nne6 2nqf3 9uk73 2fve7 4nub1
1079  3.0 mean  3.5   2.8   3.2   2.9   3.0   3.0   2.9   2.5   3.1   2.7


1079-01    (3amjf dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 0h, wise Orac|3, wHo kn0wZ tHe s3crEt id3nt1tY of b1ff,
>
> iT s33Mz I'M stucK 1n |Am3r mOde. Iz ThEir any way I can correcT
> THE proBl3m?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From: Oracle Research Labs
} To: The Smithsonian Institution, Department of Loser Studies
} Re: Anthropological Evidence of Second-Generaton Loserhood
}
} Oracle Research Labs has uncovered the enclosed message:
}
} > 0h, wise Orac|3, wHo kn0wZ tHe s3crEt id3nt1tY of b1ff,
} >
} > iT s33Mz I'M stucK 1n |Am3r mOde. Iz ThEir any way I can correcT
} > THE proBl3m?
}
} In the wild, no "lameus poserus" (commonly known as B1FF) sighting
} has been reported since the timely death of BITNET.  There has been
} widespread destruction of B1FF's habitat, since IRC has been largely
} replaced by pornographic web sites, which offer easier access to
} B1FF's primary staple.
}
} Generally, B1FF has been replaced by the common surfer, a species with
} a similar lameness profile but far less aggressive.  The common surfer
} (especially subspecies AOLamer) is largely unaware of USENET.
}
} The above evidence would imply that B1FF has not yet become extinct.
} This would be exciting news, since it would enable the community to
} pin precise blame for the Y2K mess.
}
} Although this author's thesis that B1FF is responsible for Y2K has
} not been widely accepted, it is crucial to look at the facts.  First,
} B1FF's presence on early computer systems implies that he must have
} been a computer programmer.  Second, B1FF's conception of the Right
} Way clearly suggests that he was as incompetent at programming.
} Third, his observed tendency towards upper case points to an IBM,
} punched-card mentality.  Finally, and most damning, an idiotic acronym
} like Y2K could have been conceived only by B1FF.
}
} Although we wish to believe that the race of B1FF has not become
} extinct (he is widely believed to have become a middle manager at
} Computer Associates or Wang), this evidence is not what it appears
} to be.  Observe:
}
} * The proper use of the silent k and w in "knowz".
} * Punctuation.
} * A fully-formed grovel.
} * The message is first-order; it is not a response to any other message,
}   and it doesn't quote any other message.
}
} We therefore propose this bold thesis:
}
} We have uncovered not an actual intance if "lameus poserus", the
} lame poser, but an unrelated species "poserus lameus", the poser
} lamer poser!
}
} Although we believe this species to be rare, we believe that it
} should not be given protected status.  In fact, we propose that it be
} placed on the "endangered" list, with the intention of endangering
} it as quickly as possible.  Shooting is too good for this species,
} although it is an acceptable alternative.
}
} WARNING: Do not apply open flame!  When trapped in a flame war, it
} is expected that this species, using both its B1FF camouflage and
} its late-90's spamming software, will retaliate in force.
}
} Please publish this article in the Journal of Lameness Studies as
} quickly as possible.
}
} Signed,
} T.U. Oracle
}
} P.S. You owe the Oracle the poser's computer, which is undoubtedly nicer
} than B1FF's Atari 800.


1079-02    (6nlh2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wise;
>
> I ran across this bit of info the other day:
>
>    The `iron coffin of Lissa';
>
>    The prisoner was laid in the coffin, and saw the iron lid creep
>    slowly down with almost imperceptible movement - slowly, silently,
>    but surely; on, on it came with relentless march, till, after
>    lingering days and nights in suspense, the prisoner was at last as
>    slowly crushed by the iron lid pressing on him.
>
> Does this have anything to do with The Lady Of the Temple, -your- Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not quite. You see, our Lisa is famous for "The Iron Coffee of Lisa".
} Unlucky visitors to the palace (are there any other type) are slowly
} laid in a chair, and Lisa gives them a cup of coffee. The coffee, being
} thicker than anything other liquid known to mankind slowly makes its
} way down the visitor's oseophagus with almost imperceptible movement -
} slowly, silently, but surely; down, down, it goes with a relentless
} march, till, after lingering days and nights in constipation, the
} visitor is, at last, able to resume bodily functions as per normal.
}
} You owe The Oracle some coffee lightener. And, no, I don't mean a
} whitener, I mean lightener!


1079-03    (5brj7 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle, who smells better than goat cheese,
> how come there are fewer and fewer appearances of Zadoc
> in the Oracularities?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't mourn Zadoc, dear supplicant, he has simply ascended to a higher
} level. Instead of being an oracularity regular, he has achieved the
} status of Legend.  He has moved out of the palace, and has taken up
} residence at the Legends' Lodge.
}
} So he won't be around as much, but when he is, it will be a more elite
} appearance, a nostalgic, insider reference intended to give those who
} remember him a fond chuckle and make those who do not feel excluded and
} unworthy.
}
} Come to think of it, though, I miss the old guy myself, a bit.  Let me
} give him a call ...
}
} *ring*ring*
}
} <Zadoc> Legends' L--OW!-- Lodge ... Zadoc speaking ...
}
} <Orrie> Zadoc?  How's it going, old fella?  Did I catch you at a bad
} time?
}
} <Zadoc> Orrie!  My God am I--OW!  Stoppit!--glad to hear from you!
} You've got to get me out of here, I can't take it ...
}
} <Orrie> What on earth is going on over there?  What's that sound?
}
} <Zadoc> It's the lemurs, sir ... they won't leave the bright red
} Siamese fighting fish in the tank, they keep digging them out and --OW!
} Cutitout!!-- hurling them at each other!  The air is thick with them,
} sir! Between that and the --OW!!-- w**dchucks and their constant
} chucking, it's awful here, sir, and the stench! Let me come home ...
}
} <Orrie> Where's Joel Furr?  Aren't the lemurs his responsibility?
}
} <Zadoc> Oh HIM ... no one can get his attention away from Og-wa these
} days, it seems he's really found a--OW!-- soulmate.  But she at least
} used to --OW!-- tidy the place, and now ... please, sir, can't I come
} back to the--OW!-- palace?
}
} <Orrie> Og-wa!!  But that's not poss-- even Furr couldn't get away with
} that right under Og's nose ...
}
} <Zadoc> Og doesn't seem to care, sir, ever since Kendai and--OW!!
} Thatsenough!!-- my twin brother Zodoc introduced him to Zork, he spends
} all his --OW!-- time at the TRS-80!  That's what drove Og-wa to Furr in
} the first place, sir ... please, let me come back ... I don't like
} being a legend ...
}
} <Orrie> Good lord.  It's worse than I imagined.
}
} <Zadoc> It's --OW!-- horrible, sir ... and frankly, we're all a little
} bitter that Lisa gets to stay at the palace.
}
} <Orrie> Did it suddenly get quiet over there?
}
} <Zadoc> *whispering* Yes sir ... I said her name too loud, they're all
} staring and Kendai's coming ove--
}
} <Kendai> Orrie Bay-BEE!  Kendai here ... so what gives.  You put
} several adult males in a room with one UG-lee woman and several small,
} furry animals.  Meanwhile you get to chill at the palace with the TRUE
} legend of the oracularities.  *mutterings of agreement in the
} background*  We want Lisa, Orrie, give her up, man!
}
} <Orrie> Ahh ... so you've figured it out, Kendai ... clever of you.  By
} the way, you should have seen what Lisa came up with for Valentine's
} Day. Amazing what that woman can do with a paper doily and a can of
} silly string ...
}
} <Kendai> *tortured* Orrie, come ON! Are you saying that the Legends'
} Lodge is really a twisted, perverted scheme to torture w**dchucks?!
}
} <Orrie> No, no, of course not.  That's just a lucky side-effect. No,
} the Legends' Lodge is a scheme to keep you away from Lisa, plain and
} simple. But, tell you what ... I'll send you Desiree.
}
} <Kendai> Desiwho?
}
} <Orrie> *whispering* play along, dummy ... they'll buy it, and you'll
} get yourself a new legend! *speaking louder* Uh, Desiree, my original
} priestess, remember? From the, uh, leather thong question from digest
} twenty ... nine?
}
} <Kendai> Oh, DESiree ... yeah! <a small *pfft* in the background as
} Desiree comes into being> Oooooh, YEAH!
}
} <Orrie> *smiling* Bye, guys ...
}
} *click*
}
} So, there you have it, supplicant ... Zadoc's fine.  And if you want
} him to be even MORE fine, you might want to come up with a few more
} priestesses, and maybe a recurring janitor character.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few more paper doilies and another can of silly
} string.


1079-04    (2ppd4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty and most literate Oracle, who has read all books in every
> language, even those which are set on courses in English literature...
>
> Why was there never a sequel to Lord of the Flies?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lord of the Flies -was- the sequel to Prince Maggot, which of course
} was the second part of the Trilogy, the first part being Manure
} Nursery.
}
}         Three Flies of the uneven wings, under the sky
}           Seven near the dart boards, in their hallowed pubs
}           Nine near normal men, "do you what fries?"
}           and one for the Carcass Lord, on his rotting throne
}           in the land of Odor, where the vermin fly
}
}           One Fly to Buzz them all, One Fly to speck them
}           One Fly to bring them all, and in the filth deposit them
}           in the land of Odor, where the vermin fly
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest buzz.


1079-05    (8gnd9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me what can i do with my toothbrush?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not a great deal. Most people would use at least a 3 iron for this
} shot, even without the headwind.
}
} You owe The Oracle some tartan trousers and a matching cap.


1079-06    (3nne6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why can't the Kiwi fly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}              -=-=-= Internet Oracle Newswire Service =-=-=-
}                 "You'll get a charge out of IONS news!!"
}
} February 8, 1999
}
}                   WORLD PANICKED OVER FLIGHTLESS KIWIS
}                   ====================================
}
}     The scientific community was outraged Wednesday at the discovery
}     that Kiwis can not fly.  Ecological experts have been unable to
}     state exactly the repercussions of this crisis.  The Oracular
}     Priesthood has launched a massive investigation of the reason
}     for the Kiwi's grounded nature.  Research teams from all points
}     of the globe have been mobilized under the direction of a person
}     known only as I. O.
}
}     Rumors abound as researchers maim and slaughter countless Kiwis
}     in a desperate attempt to explain one of nature's oddest
}     creations.  Formal speculation is being withheld due to a near
}     total lack of information.  Filmore Cophens, President of the
}     Kiwi Investigation Organization, is projecting an answer as
}     early as February 16.
}
}     In other news, commercial e-mail giant Prono List Enterprises
}     has come under fire from the United States' Federal Trade
}     Commission and Federal Communications Commission for their
}     "Secrets of the Kiwi" book promotions.  The offer, which
}     involved an unknown number of e-mails offering the book US$59.95
}     (plus 4.95 S&H), has been linked to the recent run on the
}     world's banks.
}
} Update: February 11, 1999
}
}     Early this morning, a small yellow moving van filled with
}     explosives was detonated in front of the headquarters of the
}     Kiwi Investigation Organization.  The explosion did not damage
}     the building, but touched off fires that quickly swept the
}     complex, destroying everything.  Fortunately no one was in the
}     building at the time.  The Kiwi Liberation Front is claiming
}     responsibility.  A spokesman for the KLF said, "It is wrong to
}     decimate a species for the sake of saving humanity."  A press
}     release by the KIO stated that the bombing is not expected to
}     delay research.
}
} Update: February 17, 1999
}
}     At a press conference on Monday, President of the Kiwi
}     Investigation Organization, Filmore Cophens apologized for the
}     delay in research result.  "No one showed up for work Monday,"
}     Cophens explained, "everyone was attending a mass funeral for
}     the hundreds of Furbies that were destroy in the fire last
}     Thursday."
}
}     Later that day, TV and radio broadcasts the world over were
}     interrupted as a spokesman for the Oracular Priesthood came on
}     to announce the results of the research.  "Og feel big ree-leef.
}     Og find out kee-wee not bird.  Kee-wee is fruit."


1079-07    (2nqf3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I grovel before you deeper than anyone before, oh High omniscient
> Oracle. You are most wise and knowledge is something you have all of.
> The spirits of Kharnag'h and the souls of Stov'k are at your command
> to assist you in times of so many questions. Please assist a humble
> supplicant who has problems with the following question:
>
> It is said that time is divided into three parts. The past, the
> present and the future. It is also said that the future comes with an
> enormous speed, that the present is gone before it came and that the
> past stands still forever. So why, oh Oracle is the future feared, the
> present wanted and the past painful?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it depends on what you think time is shaped like.
}
} If you view time as a line with a definite ending and beginning,
}
} Time starts                    present                 Time ends
}     |-----------------------------+------------------------|
}
} Then your "present" is moving towards The End, the past
} gets bigger and the future gets shorter, that leads to the
} feelings you express...
}
} BUT if you view time as a line going forever each way,
}
} Time started back there     present        future goes off that way
} <------------------------------+--------------------------->
}
} Then you are just a speck moving on an uncaring, unending stream,
} which sometimes leads to feelings of insignificance and depression,
} major pharmaceuticals actively promote this view of time.
}
} On the other hand think of the unending line of time as part of
} a circle,
}
} [ Editor's note: we regret to announce that The Temple's
}   artists added nasty subliminal pictures to the next two
}   charts and we had to delete them. ]
}
} Now see if you're on a circle then, nothing ends & you are
} doomed to sooner or later have to re-live grade school.
}
} Actually time is a tightly wound series of spirals that all
} radiate out from one spot,
}
} [ see Editor's note above ]
}
} So time does have a beginning, but it is just a big old chaotic mess
} after that, kinda like an explosion on an airliner full of reptiles
} and fish, if you know what I mean.
}
} You owe the Oracle some new Temple Artists and a rosewood clock with
} a quartz mechanism.


1079-08    (9uk73 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's for dinner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, supplicant ! Not even a nice request ? Just a bare question ?
} As I'm in a good mood, I will answer it anyway.
}
} Thank you for remembering, by the way.
} As an Omniscient Being, I sometimes spend too much time
} answering questions, and I almost forget eating. Wait a minute.
}
} "Darling ?"
} "Yes, honey Orrie ?"
} "One of my supplicant just wants to know what's for dinner, tonight."
} "Oh no ! I bet he's going to invite himself ! The last time,
} it took me 3 days to clean the temple !"
} "No, I swear, he just asked what..."
} "You believe it's easy, hey ? All what you've to do is to sit down
} and answer the bloody w**dchuck questions while I do all the
} housework !"
} "Keep cool, darling, would you like to go out tonight ?
} The questions can work until tomorrow."
} "Yeah, and just in the middle of the movie, your cellular is
} going to ring again, and you'll have to go home because one of these
} fools will need to know how he can build an H-bomb in his garage ?
} No, enough of this, I'm going back to my mother.
} I should have listened to her when she told me not to marry
} you. With all these supplications, and not even a decent job ! Pff..."
} "But, Darling..."
} <BLAM !> (door banging)
}
} Ok, so tonight, it will be potatoes again. Yuck.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lunch, supplicant.


1079-09    (2fve7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most memorable, before they invented drawing boards, what did
> they go back to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They went back to past issues of the Internet Oracle Digest, where this
} question was answered.
}
} However, perhaps the repeated asking of this question means you want to
} go back even further.....
}
} [Scene: A number of amoeba have gathered together.]
}
} A1: Right you guys, we're going to design something new today, a
}     multicellular organism. Right. First we're going to need some sort
}     of a head. And this head will need some sort of a nose. Fred!
} A2: Yeah?
} A1: We're going to need some sort of record of what our design is going
}     to look for. Can you write this down on a piece of paper?
} A3: But, paper's made from trees, and trees are multicellular
}     organisms, which is what we're trying to design.
} A1: Right, but we do have something we can use. Martha!
} A3: Yeah?
} A1: Form yourself into this shape, and hold it.
} A3: Like this?
} A1: Yeah! Ok, now we need some sort of eye, mouth, and neck. Joey, Sam,
}     Abdullah, form yourself into shapes like this.
} A4,A5,A6: Sure thing Boss.
} A1: Right, this is going well. Now we need to make a neck.
} A7: I can do that.
} A1: Fred!
} A2: Yes?
} A1: You moved!
} A2: Sorry, I had this itch and just had to scratch it. You know how it
}     is.
} A1: Don't move a bit. Our nose has got a big hook in it now.
} A3: Hey everyone, it's the Spice Amoebas
} Sporty, Scary, Baby, and Posh Amoeba: Hey yahh!!!
} A1: Stop, all of you stop. What's with all those pseudopods? This is no
}     time for genetic material transfer, get back into shape!
} A6: Sorry boss.
} A1: Abdullah!!
} A5&A5': Yyeess bboossss??
} A1: I saw that. You divided didn't you?
} A5&A5': Wwhhaatt''ss tthhee pprroobbllemm??
} A1: This multicellular organism is meant to have one eye, now it's got
}     two of them. That's what's wrong.
} A4: Hey everyone, nutrients! Woooaaaahhhh, expand expand expand!!!
} A1: (puts pseudopod in pseudopods) My masterpiece, this was going to be
}     my masterpiece, and now.... this is going to be one ugly
}     multicellular organism.
}
} You owe The Oracle some more disciplined amoebas.


1079-10    (4nub1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle Most Wide;
>
> What is your opinion on Freudian Slips?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Freud's career as a dressmaker was blessedly fleeting, since
} the tableaux of childhood trauma hand-embroidered on each of his
} custom-made slips was prohibitively expensive, and didn't seem to
} help anyone get in touch with their subconcious.
}
}      They made /great/ sofa-covers, though, and rather than let
} his investment go to waste he began using them with patients...
}
}      You owe the Oracle an Oedipal complex without that nasty
} eye-gouging-out bit.


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