[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Aug 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 13:47:54 GMT

Internet Oracularities #1081

Goto:
1081, 1081-01, 1081-02, 1081-03, 1081-04, 1081-05, 1081-06, 1081-07, 1081-08, 1081-09, 1081-10


Internet Oracularities #1081    (74 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Mar 1999 09:04:00 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1081
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1081  74 votes 5bmjh 4eqo6 5dxm1 3diqe 4knl6 5kB93 5jph8 5jwg2 24nlo 4gvl2
1081  3.2 mean  3.4   3.2   3.0   3.5   3.1   2.8   3.1   2.9   3.8   3.0


1081-01    (5bmjh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise :
>
>   I just started reading Discworld books. I am disturbed by the number
> of names the author has stolen from the players on some muds I play on.
> Would they have any legal recourse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    The shadowy figures gathered silently in the back streets
} of Ankh-Morpork. Silently they crept through the alleyways,
} silently they clambered over the great trash piles and around
} the various bodies, sleeping and otherwise, that littered the
} thoroughfares of the great city.  Like great cloaked rats they
} stole through the night, until finally they congregated in a
} large cellar.  As one, they threw back their great hooded
} cloaks, revealing themselves in the flickering candlelight.
}
}    Garish white-painted faces, rosy-red cheeks and jet-black
} tears hovered over wide-striped shirts and gaudy suspenders.
} White-gloved hands described esoteric figures in the air.
} Bodies pressed against invisible barriers and fought for
} purchase against gusts of wind imperceptible to all but those
} who struggled mightily against them.
}
}    The Secret Society of Oppressed Mimes had called its meeting
} to order.
}
}    The Marcel[1] banged an unseen gavel against his invisible
} lectern, and the din of pantomime subsided.
}
}    _I hereby open the three hundred sixty-sixth emergency
} meeting of the Secret Society of Oppressed Mimes,_ he said by
} dint of much hand-waving and tugging on nonexistent ropes.
}
}    Suddenly the door burst open and the Watch flooded into
} the room like the Ankh overflowing its banks[2].  "Nobody
} move," thundered Commander Vimes.  "You have the right," he
} said in a grimly ironic voice, "to remain silent.  Corporal
} Detritus, tie up the prisoners and bring them back to the
} station."  With that, he swept out of the room, taking most
} of his men with him.
}
}   The troll removed his enormous helmet and scratched his
} flinty head ponderously.  "What's wrong?" asked Corporal Nobbs.
}
}    "Uh... I think I left the rope back at the station," his
} partner said ruefully.  "How're we gonna tie 'em up without
} any rope?"
}
}    The Marcel's eyes lit up.  Gesturing frantically at the
} two Watchmen, he picked up an invisible rope off the floor
} and began tying it into knots.  One of the other mimes took
} the cue and tried to snatch it out of his hands, and they
} struggled over possession of the rope as the puzzled Watchmen
} looked on.
}
}    "What do you suppose they're up to?" Nobbs asked out of the
} corner of his mouth.
}
}    "It looks like they're playin' tug-o-war, but I don't see
} no rope," his partner ventured.
}
}    "Maybe it's elvish rope," Nobbs concluded after a while.
} "Hey, you," he ordered, "gimme that."  The two men stopped
} fighting, and the Marcel placed the rope sheepishly into Nobbs'
} outstretched hand.  "Definitely elvish," he assured Detritus.
} "Lighter'n a feather, it is.  Lucky for us we found us some
} honest criminals with rope to spare.  All right, youse, tie
} yourselves up quick now!"
}
}    As the mimes got busy imprisoning themselves, Detritus said,
} "You're smart, Nobby.  I bet Commander Vimes gives us a medal
} for this."
}                              * * *
}
}    "I don't understand it, sir," Nobbs said.  "They were right
} behind us when we left."
}
}    Vimes sighed.  "Well, we have bigger problems to worry
} about right now.  Apparently, nearly half the population of
} Ankh-Morpork are being sued by some people called Mudders.
} They claim we've stolen their names."
}
}    Nobbs pulled out a blackjack.  "Well, where are they?  Let
} me at those Mudder-f--"
}
}    "Calm down, Nobbs, I think they're somewhere on the
} Counterweight Continent.  Leastwise, I never heard of them
} before the Patrician showed me this summons."  Vimes held out
} a roll of parchment, from which depended a ponderous seal.
} Nobbs shrank back from it like a rat from a snake, a metaphor
} which was greatly aided by Nobbs' rodent-like appearance.
}
}    Suddenly, the door burst open and strangely-dressed people
} flooded the room.  "Nobody move," one of them ordered.
}
}    "Who are you?" demanded Vimes.
}
}    "We're copyright attorneys.  We represent one Terry
} Pratchett, whose interests are being violated by this
} Oracularity.  You will cease and desist immediately, and we
} have here an ex parte seizure order to make sure it doesn't
} continue.  We also have an arrest warrant for 'The Internet
} Oracle', who has perpetrated this copyright violation."
}
} You owe the Oracle the name of a good lawyer.  Hurry!
}
} [1]  Or, in the secret gestural language of the mimes, _hand
}      pressed to head, then moving away in waves_.
}
} [2]  Which, given the generally non-liquid consistency of the
}      Ankh, meant that the Watch shambled in at the pace of
}      chilled treacle.


1081-02    (4eqo6 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I NEED INFORMATION ABOUT CARS.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} CARS? That could be anything! I suppose I could eliminate a few using
} logic...
}
} Commuter Armed Response Service - Just make one call and that guy who
} cut you off is history. Experience a warm glow as Highway Patrol
} Certified Operatives reduce your traffic problems through the
} strategic application of tactical munitions. Sign up now for our Gold
} Standard service, including one free Assault Chopper strike a month!
}
}   Can't be that - there's at least another three years to go before
}   it becomes legal.
}
} Cardiac Arrest Regenerative Stimulant - Repairs damaged heart muscle.
} Side effects include hair loss, hair growth, fetal death in pregnant
} men, dizziness, shortness of breath, spontaneous human combustion and
} in extreme cases, Organ Detonation Syndrome.
}
}   Nope - that won't be discovered for two decades.
}
} Collapsed Antimatter Resonance Speakers - the ultimate sound system
} for the ludicrously wealthy stereo buff. CAUTION: Not to be used in
} populated solar systems. May cause implosion in unstable stars. Not
} recommended for children under 3 years. Contains no user-serviceable
} parts. Product of more than one reality.
}
}   Over a thousand years away. I'm obviously going in the wrong
}   direction.
}
} Campaign Against Real Stuff - Do you, like us, find Primal Chaos to be
} perfectly adequate for all your needs? Do the current plans for a
} universe composed of matter and energy strike you as shortsighted and
} ill-conceived? Do you think this whole Big Bang idea will all end in
} tears? Then imprint your mental signature below!
}
}   Oops, too far back. Pretend you didn't see that.
}
}   *sigh* We'll be here all night at this rate. Wait a second - I've
}   got an idea...
}
} You owe the Oracle a more specific question.


1081-03    (5dxm1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Am I getting fat?
>
> O most adorable Oracle, please answer this question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Certainly not.  The universe is collapsing in upon itself, making you
} seem larger by comparison.
}
} On second reflection, I've just realized that the gravitational forces
} causing this collapse seem to be centered in your general area.
}
} On third reflection, "your general area" in my terms includes much of
} your spiral arm of the Milky Way, and so I don't think the facts
} require that you, personally, account for enough mass to cause
} universal catastrophe.
}
} On fourth reflection, get a load of those pants.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Tae Bo video.


1081-04    (3diqe dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@wehi.edu.au>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> They think I did it.  They think I killed her!
>
> I had blood on my hands.  But it wasn't me!
>
> What can I do?  What can I do???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O.J.'s search for The Real Killer. . . take three.
}
} [ Long shot of a fairway in Palm Springs, a golf cart is approaching.
}   Camera zooms in on O.J.'s face as he slows the cart to a halt. ]
}
} O.J.: Not a day goes by without me thinking, "Who the hell hacked
}       up that sorry, lanky, whiny bi. . .
}                              %-%-%-%
}
} O.J.'s search for The Real Killer. . . take four.
}
} [ Long shot of a fairway in Palm Springs, a golf cart is approaching.
}   Camera zooms in on O.J.'s face as he slows the cart to a halt. ]
}
} O.J.:  Not a day goes by without me thinking, "Who could have killed
}        the mother of my children? The woman I loved?"
}
} [ O.J. exits cart, reaches into golf bag in the back and pulls out a
}   bloody machete.]
}                              %-%-%-%
}
} O.J.'s search for The Real Killer. . . take five.
}
} [ Long shot of a fairway in Palm Springs, a golf cart is approaching.
}   Camera zooms in on O.J.'s face as he slows the cart to a halt. ]
}
} O.J.:  Not a day goes by without me thinking, "Who could have killed
}        the mother of my children? The woman I loved?"
}
} [ O.J. exits cart, reaches into bag in the back and pulls out a nine
} iron.]
}
} O.J.: Somewhere out there is a murderer. A murderer who robbed my life
}       of the one reason I had for living, Nicole.
}
} [ O.J. tees up a ball. Stares at it for a second, then lifts the club
}   over his head and brings it down on the ball hacking it neatly in
}   half.]
}                              %-%-%-%
}
} O.J.'s search for The Real Killer. . . take six.


1081-05    (4knl6 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> Name me a porn star?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Are you Sirius?  If a rose by any other name would smell as
} sweet, would BD +38'3238 by any other name sing more sweetly
} than Cassiopeia the "Queen"?  Or how about the Pleiades
} cluster, otherwise known as the "seven sisters", or Polaris,
} The "pole" star.  My favorite cluster has always been
} Gemini, "The Twins".
}
} You owe the Oracle a promise to use Orion's "shield"
} to prevent any seepage of the "Milky Way".


1081-06    (5kB93 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who never falls for pyramid schemes, no matter how
> convincing the salesmen are...
>
> I told my friend Tim about you, and how wise you are.  Do I get some
> kind of recruitment bonus?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That all depends supplicant on the quality of your recruit.
} As is standard we have a six month evaluation period after
} which we will look at the quantity and quality of Tim's
} askme's and tellme's ranked on a scale of 1 to 3 and you
} will receive your just rewards:
}
}   ==========================================================
}   |   | Get to see     | Get to see     | Invited to       |
}   | 3 | Tim digested   | Tim in "Best   | Tim's new Oracle |
} Q |   | before you     | of" before you | priest party     |
} u |=========================================================
} a |   | Tellme's no    | Queue always   | Request for      |
} l | 2 | longer         | drained for    | Oraculaties      |
} i |   | answered       | askme's        | "Lost"           |
} t |=========================================================
} y |   |                |  Beating by    |     *ZOT*        |
}   | 1 | OG waves club  |  OG (sympathy  |     *ZOT*        |
}   |   | at you         |  from Lisa)    |     *ZOT*        |
}   |=========================================================
}   |   |        1       |        2       |        3         |
}   ==========================================================
}                              Quantity
}
} As you can see your best bets are if Tim provides a few bad
} tellme's and then loses interest or he excels both in quality
} and quantity and you get to spend a weekend at the Playboy
} mansion... umm... I mean Oracle temple.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 3 x 3 ascii grid template and some new
} batteries for my Staff of ZOT (D'oh! That's the problem with
} being omniscient, I'm always ruining the surprise for others).


1081-07    (5jph8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm not aware of too many things,
> I know what I know,
> if you know what I mean.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look Descartes, you're dead. D-E-A-D, dead.
} You can think otherwise all you want, but you ain't no more.


1081-08    (5jwg2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind,
> obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent:  What kind of
> merit badges did you earn back in Oracle Scouts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there was the Clairvoyance merit badge.  I knew I was going to do
} well on that one.  The Telekinesis merit badge was a moving experience.
} I got a charge out of the Responsible Zotting merit badge.  I fulfilled
} most of the requirements for the Woodchucking merit badge, but I still
} had a few to go; I can't remember how much.  I had a good feeling about
} the Empathy merit badge, but the Oracle Scout Master didn't quite see
} things my way.  Of course, I turned in my best performance on the
} Answering Questions merit badge, but you knew I was going to say that.
} Sorry, but I don't want to talk about my experiences with the Telepathy
} merit badge.
}
} I even figured out how to get the Sleuthing merit badge.  In fact, I
} did so well on that, that they invented a new merit badge just for me:
} the Snoopy merit badge.  That is, of course, how I became a Beagle
} Scout.


1081-09    (24nlo dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who knows how to debug an INTERCAL program,
>
> Why is my compiler crashing while processing the following fragment?
>
> while (wood)
> {
>       woodchuck.chuck (wood);
> }

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Try patching it with this:
}
} # Got a question Monday and my heart stood still
}
} do (do woodchuck.chuck) do (do chuck.chuck);
}
} # A code programming question from a guy named Phil
}
} do (do woodchuck.chuck) do (do chuck.chuck);
}
} ;yeah(my.heart.stood.still)
} ;yeah(his.name.was.Phil)
} ;yeah(his.question.made.me.ill)
}
} do (do woodchuck.chuck) do (do chuck.chuck)
}
} # It was a woodchuck question in a thin disguise
}
} do (do woodchuck.chuck) do (do chuck.chuck)
}
} # The fact that I will <*ZOT*> him should be no surprise
}
} do (do woodchuck.chuck) do (do chuck.chuck)
}
} ;yeah(a.thin.disguise)
} ;yeah(a.<*ZOT*>'s.your.prize)
} ;yeah(better.shield.your.eyes)
}
} do (do woodchuck.chuck) do (do chuck.chuck)
} ----
} There. NOW try compiling it. Just be sure to wear a welder's shield and
} a lead apron.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "CP/M for Dummies."


1081-10    (4gvl2 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Forbes, Michael Scott (Scott)" <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    +----------------+
>    |                |
>    |                |
>    |                |
>    |                |
>    |                |
>    |                |
>    +----------------+
>
> [That's a picture of a muscular woodchuck holding an AK-47 in a
> Rambo-like posture and snarling.]
>
> [It's a shame that the Oracle doesn't support some sort of graphic-
> encoding format, because the comic material here is just explosive.]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you mean?  Of course the Oracle supports graphics!  You just
} need to put the right Secret Oracular Command(TM) in the subject line,
} that's all.  Here, I'll provide a list of some of the more useful ones:
}
} 1. MIME (Maniacal and Idiotic Munging of Everything)
}
} This command does exactly what you want, by turning on MIME support.
} However, if the recipient has not turned it on as well, this may
} result in a rather painful and well-deserved <ZOT>.  Speaking of
} <ZOT>, you may also find the next command useful:
}
} 2. MEME (Pronounced: Me! Me!)
}
} This will cause all in-jokes to be filtered out of both questions and
} answers, raising the overall humor level quite drastically.  Of
} course, this will also mean that *you* won't be able to <ZOT> idiots
} who come up with original, inspired questions such as "How can I f---
} Stacey?", but hopefully you will be creative enough that this won't be
} a problem.  Also, you will probably never get digested this way,
} unless you use the next command:
}
} 3. DIGEST (Drab, Inept, and Generally Endless Streams of Trash)
}
} This will cause the AI ex^H^H^H^H^Hpriests to select all of your funny
} answers, and discard the ones that aren't funny.  Unfortunately, this
} command has a few, uh, "features", and may not work as expected.  Use
} at your own risk.
}
} 4. LUSER (Like, Uh, So, Er, Really...)
}
} This is similar to MEME, but instead of filtering out the in-jokes, it
} will filter out questions and answers that, to put it bluntly, suck.
} Of course, this may mean that you will never actually get any answers
} at all, or receive any question to answer, but this one definitely
} *IS* worth the drawbacks.
}
} 5. CASCADE (Can Anyone Stop Clogging All the Disks with this
}             Excrement?!)
}
} Oops, sorry, wrong group.  Never mind.
}
} You owe the Oracle an actual implementation of these commands.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org