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Internet Oracularities #1083

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1083, 1083-01, 1083-02, 1083-03, 1083-04, 1083-05, 1083-06, 1083-07, 1083-08, 1083-09, 1083-10


Internet Oracularities #1083    (70 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 19 Mar 1999 16:22:43 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1083
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1083  70 votes 8lrb3 49or6 eom91 59rib 8irf2 4bemj 4gnk7 5fjid auo51 nhg68
1083  2.9 mean  2.7   3.3   2.4   3.3   2.8   3.6   3.1   3.3   2.4   2.4


1083-01    (8lrb3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't understand at best, cannot speak for all the rest.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At becomes more comprehensible when you understand that he suffers from
} a severe inferiority complex. Overshadowed by more powerful cousins
} like about and around, he can only dream of the ponderous sonority of a
} macho swaggerer whereupon or an approximately.
}
} It is insecurity, not ideology, that compels at to ethnocentric
} diatribe against a, his Hispanic counterpart, whom he accuses of racial
} inferiority. You have only to see him toady before a member of old
} Roman ad stock to understand his pathetic yearning for pedigree. He
} positively prostrated himself when an old Sanskrit adh came parading
} himself with his bell-chiming, chanting followers.
}
} At best? Contradiction in terms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a postposition.


1083-02    (49or6 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> > Oracle of wisdom, from whom knowledge and wisdom flows free and
> > smooth like melted butter on the head of a bald monkey, enlighten me.
> >
> >       If 15 men, 2 women, and 7 trained monkeys can dig a hole in two
> > days (working from 8:30 A.M. to 5:30 P.M., with two 11 minute breaks
> > and one 26 minute lunch on the first day, and working  from 8:00 A.M.
> > to 6:00 P.M. with three 6 minute breaks and one 31 minute lunch on the
> > second day), how long will I take 12 men and 13 W.O.O.D.C.H.U.C.K.S.
> > to dig half a hole?
>
>       For clarity, the group of 15 men are made up of 10 common,
> ordinary men, Michael Jordan, Dan Rather, Chris Rock, David Letterman,
> and Axel Rose. The two women are Monica Lewenski and Sporty Spice.  The
> monkeys are unknown circus stars.
>
>       The 12 men in the second group are all former politicians.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I find your grovel sufficiently grovelishimous, so with my incredible
} powers I shall conduct this experiment.
}
} ---------
} To: PSC Contractors <psc@psc.com>
} From: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} Re: Hole-digging project
}
} Got a little project for you guys, the details are attached. The usual
} fees, I assume. I'd appreciate a complete report from the site foreman
} on how things go.
}
} T.I. Oracle
}
} --------
} To: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} From: PSC Contractors <psc@psc.com>
} Re: Re: Hole-digging project
}
} Oh great and wise Oracle, whose very bones are like flawlessly
} engineered suspension bridges, and whose wisdom, if it were a building,
} could withstand any disaster with not so much as a broken window,
} you honour our lowly wormlike selves with your request.
}
} No problem Orrie, we'll get right on it. You'll have the report by
} the end of the week.
}
}
} One week later...
}
} --------
} To: The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
} From: PSC Contractors <psc@psc.com>
} Re: Hole-digging project completion report
}
} Oh great and wise Oracle, who could with only a crayon and a slide
} rule design such a great and majestic highway system that any who
} drove on it would be enthralled to drive on it forever, and before
} whom we are not even worthy of constructing a simple addition to a
} typical suburban bungalow, we have not failed you.
}
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
} FOREMAN'S REPORT
} Project number:      OR723-A
} Project description: Hole-digging
} Client:              T.I. Oracle
} Work crew:           *Supplied by client
} ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
}
} Tuesday, March 2, 1999
} 8:30AM: Crew A arrives at work site, work commences on hole #1.
}
} 8:31AM: News crew arrives and begins harassing Ms. Lewenski. Apparently
}         they have mistaken her for Monica Lewinsky.
}
} 8:33AM: Dan Rather takes the opportunity to quiz Michael Jordan about
}         his retirement. The two agree to produce an hour-long special
}         and depart for the studio.
}
} 8:38AM: Sporty Spice drives off the reporters with a brief solo
}         performance of "Wannabe". Sporty and Monica leave for a nearby
}         coffee shop to discuss the pressures of fame.
}
} 8:53AM: The 10 common, ordinary men are a little annoyed at the rapid
}         rate of celebrity departures, but Letterman creates a "Top 10
}         Reasons to Dig a Hole" list to maintain morale. The remaining
}         celebrities agree to stay and help - but actual physical labour
}         wasn't in their contracts.
}
} 9:20AM: One of the "ordinary" men was revealed as FBI Agent Fox Mulder
}         when a mysterious red-haired woman arrived and dragged him off
}         the site, muttering "...little green men....black project...and
}         now this!  Construction!"
}
} 9:56AM: The crew takes an 11 minute break.
}
} 10:07AM: Work resumes.
}
} 10:31AM: Without warning, the SPCA swoops down on the site and confis-
}          cates the trained monkeys for violation of the animal labour
}          codes.  Apparently the monkeys are guaranteed *three* bananas
}          each at coffee break, and they only received two bananas and a
}          stale donut.
}
} 12:00PM: Remarkably, work has progressed without incident to this point,
}          so the crew take a well-deserved lunch.
}
} 12:26PM: The crew return to work.
}
} 12:27PM: Ever alert for the workers' rights, government agents storm
}          the work site - apparently a 26 minute lunch is illegal under
}          recent legislation. One of the 9 common, ordinary men is
}          revealed as James Bond as the MI-5 arrives to fend off the
}          government offensive.
}
} 2:03PM: With the siege finally lifted, work resumes. Another 11 minute
}         break was taken during this period.
}
} 5:00PM: Work stops. Not long after the crew leaves for the night, evil
}         agents of W.O.O.D.C.H.U.C.K.S (Woodchucks Overdosed On Dubious
}         Chemical Hallucinogens Unsteadily Chucking Kamikaze Squirrels)
}         bomb the site with a fleet of kamikaze rodents, filling in
}         the hole!
}
} Wednesday, March 3, 1999
}
} The full report of the day's work has been censored, as it contains
} possibly offensive references to certain management procedures, illicit
} drugs, and woodchucks. Suffice it to say that the hole was completed.
}
} Thursday, March 4, 1999
}
} 9:00AM: Second crew arrives at the work site. The former politicians,
}         after conferring briefly, announce that they have claimed 50% of
}         the first crew's (already completed) hole in taxes, using small
}         wording loopholes in the tax code that they introduced during
}         their terms in office in anticipation of just this situation.
}
} 9:01AM: Second crew declares that they are finished.
}
} ----------------------------------------------------
} As you can see, supplicant, it will take approximately 1 minute for
} the second team you describe to dig half a hole.
}
} You owe the Oracle the other half of the hole.


1083-03    (eom91 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A is for awesome, which the Oracle definitely is
> B is for being so big that we all say "gee whiz!"
> C is for computers, which bring us to you
> D is for the dedication that is due
> E is for everything that you know
> F is for your followers neatly in tow
> G is for great - that's what you are!
> H is for holymoley, you're the best by far!
> I is for intelligent, for we admire your brain
> J is for judgement and always being sane
> K is for killing that big fat woodchuck
> L is for Lisa who knows how to...knit
> M is for making supplicants happy
> N is for not making the answers all crappy
> O is for the Oracle, obviously
> P is for the priests, whom we thank muchly
> Q is for quite impressive, Orrie, old chum
> R is for RHOD and those bunch of bums
> S is for being so smart and such
> T is for thoughtful in not zotting us much
> U is for Usenet, where you got started
> V is for very innocently asking who farted
> W is for willingness to tell us stuff
> X is for...um...'xcellent...good 'nuff
> Y is for You, Orrie, the Great, Wise, and Fair
> Z is for Zadoc who is stealing your chair!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That was great Children... now let's sing the Supplicant Alphabet!!
}
} A is for Answers of which we do seek
} B is for Bastards, cuz we're slow and weak
} C is for Coughing, we'll all get the plague
} D is for Dying it's really a drag
} E is for Everything, to which the Oracle we owe
} F is for Froups where we put on a show
} G is for Gutless, Spineless little punks
} H is for How can we all be such Chumps?
} I is for Injury we get when Og's Hot!
} J is for Jury, with the Oracle we get not.
} K is for Killing, which the Oracle doesn't refrain
} L is for Lust from Lisa driving us Insane!
} M is for Mutants of Oracle we are
} N is for Nitwits which out number supplicants by far
} O is for Opinions which are wrong to question
} P is for Peons walking around with no expression
} Q is for Questions, of which we do ask
} R is for Rowdy and lacking in class.
} S is for Sex, to which Lisa we beg for
} T is for Trouble which is in store
} U is for Uneventful, the human era is
} V is for Vasectomy, what every man should get done to his
} W is for Worthless, need I say more?
} X is for X-tinction, when man is gone forevermore.
} Y is for Yelling from the Oracle to our ear.
} Z is for Zotting, we cower in fear.
}
} You owe the Oracle the song again in C Minor.


1083-04    (59rib dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello, I'd like this to be Internet Oracularity number 1083-04, please.
> Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not asking a lot, are we? I mean, getting digested is no problem for
} a professional incarnation like me. I belong to that select band who
} has copies of the photos from the priesthood's annual retreat in Fiji,
} July 1997. All it requires is the casual insertion of a key phrase
} or two in my answer (eg, "Spandex", "nude bungy", "Black & Decker",
} "inflatable Gillian Anderson dolls"), and the priests know that, if
} they fail to select, my Website will soon be sporting some truly
} interesting JPEGs.
}
} However, the order of oracularities in the digests is entirely in the
} hands of Steve Kinzler, and it pains me to have to admit that even I
} don't have anything on him. The best I can suggest is you send him a
} letter along the following lines:
}
} "Dear Mr Kinzler,
} I am a patent attorney and part-time crusader for human rights. It has
} recently come to my attention that you are having a spot of bother
} vis-a-vis the copyright on your Internet Oracle <tm>. As this kind of
} victimization of the individual by amoral, faceless corporations is
} exactly the sort of thing I seek to stamp out, I hereby offer you my
} services absolutely free of charge and with no strings attached, should
} litigation become a necessity. In the meantime, there is one tiny favor
} you could do me if you were so inclined..."
}
} It's worth a try.


1083-05    (8irf2 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, Orrie, how are you doing in the tournament pool?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For those of you at home who don't know what the supplicant is talking
} about, March is the one month out of the year I temporarily turn off my
} omniscience and enter the Oracle office NCAA tournament bracket pool.
} I'm a big basketball fan, and so I like to show off every year by
} picking the winners without having to use my special powers of infinite
} knowledge.
}
} So far, here's how some of us are doing:
}
} Lisa: Every team I picked to win, she picked to lose, and vice versa.
} This method never works for her. I always end up taking her money,
} dancing a little victory dance in front of her when I beat her, and
} then I end up sleeping on the couch for three days. Which is what I
} think she wants in the first place...
}
} Zadoc: I basically strong-armed Zadoc into the pool just to up the
} money total. He really has no clue. Zadoc picked "Gonzaga" to go all
} the way and win the final. I asked him to explain why and he said
} "Because I like gazongas!!" I had to explain to him that the team name
} was "gon-ZA-gah," not "gah-ZON-gah." So he changed his bracket and had
} Temple going all the way. When I asked him why, he said because
} Temple's mascot was the owl, and "I like hooters!!!" I sent him to his
} room.
}
} Og: Had to disqualify him. I gave him the bracket, and for every blank
} he had to fill in, he would say "Og ask chick-en." Then, he'd go talk
} to his so-called "psychic chicken." This process took a total of three
} days from start to finish. When he finally got his tournament picks
} done, I grabbed his bracket and looked at the picks. Every blank was
} filled in with the words "cluk cluk bawk." I smacked him and sent him
} to his room.
}
} Ogwa: Who'd have guessed this one? She's picked all but five blanks
} correctly. I pressed her on how she did such a good job of picking even
} though she's never seen a basketball game in her life. She said "Ogwa
} have help from shiny head man Dick Vi-tale." Hoi. I guess it's who you
} know, not what.
}
} and finally, Me, the Oracle. How has the omniscient one fared?
} Horrible. My final winner is already out of the picture. Thanks a whole
} flippin' lot, Bobby Knight.
}
} You owe the Oracle a big Hoosier foam finger.


1083-06    (4bemj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me about your abilities.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Top 100 Abilities of The Internet Oracle
} ----------------------------------------
}
} 100 Pest Control, specialising in large rodents.
}
}  99 Not only knows when Alfred Hitchcock makes his cameos in all of his
} movies, but can track every molecule of air ever breathed by AH when
} they appear in other movies.
}  98 Not only able to best 'The Alien' in battle, but able to teach it
} to 'fetch'.
}  97 Able to encorage Robin Williams to make a movie that isn't soppy.
}  96 Able to dress up in drag much more convincingly than the cast of
} "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything" (including giving birth on
} screen).
}  95 Can not only dial home for E.T., but sell him a Mobile Phone
} contract at twice going rate.
}  94 Can cast Frankenstein, Dracula, The Mummy, Godzilla, and The Spice
} Girls in 'Hamlet', and get the critics to hail it as a masterpiece.
}  93 Can actually apply makeup to make Barbra Streisand look like a 17
} year old.
}  92 Can make a statement that Spock will agree is 'logical'.
}  91 Not only knows that Citizen Kane meant by 'Rosebud', but can list
} every meal eaten by him during his life solely by analysing his dying
} abdominal gurgles.
}  90 Can capture Blues Brothers without crashing a single car.
}
}  89 Able to write perlscript readable by people who don't know
} perlscript.
}  88 Not only able to make images change when you run the mouse over
} them on a web page, but have them stack their clothes neatly in the
} corner of the page.
}  87 Able to find out the serial numbers of PIII chips even if they're
} all of 'turned off in software', 'not connected to the internet', and
} 'not manufactured yet'.
}  86 Able to write html '<scripts>' in prolog, and have them work, even
} in lynx!
}  85 Has so many '+++'s in his 'geek code', that my .sig only just
} fits on a ZIP disk.
}  84 Can write Java code that runs faster than Native Applications. Even
} if it's being run by Java 1.0.2 being run by SoftWindows, on a Mac.
}  83 Can write an AI program that can not only pass the Turing Test, but
} design an even better test of intelligence that no human would have a
} chance at.
}  82 Can write sorting algorithm capable of sorting random real numbers
} in O(0) time.
}  81 Not only knows from whence a spam email was sent, but exactly what
} grime the sending spammer had on his fingers when s/he typed it out.
}  80 Knows whatever happened to Forth, COBOL, PL/I, and all those other
} languages that no-one ever mentions nowdays.
}
}  79 Ability to pat own head vertically while rubbing stomach
} circularly.
}  78 Can break world record for long-jump with all limbs tied behind
} my back.
}  77 Can throw javelin so that it loops the world once and then still
} lands 'ahead' of the competitors.
}  76 No, make that loop the world two or three times.
}  75 Can live off steroid drugs solely for three months and still pass
} the drug test.
}  74 Can clean and jerk cleaner and more jerkily than anyone.
}  73 Can manage the Arrows Formula One Team more effectively than
} Tom Walkinshaw.
}  72 OK, OK, can manage a Forumla One Team more effectively than a
} senile warthog, is that better?
}  71 Can not only encourage Michael Schumacher and Damon Hill to coexist
} on the same team, but race in the same car.
}  70 Able to manage English Soccer Team so well, even the tabloids will
} admit that I've done a good job.
}
}  69 Can cook an omlet in a Hangi.
}  68 Can make a sauce from flour with no lumps at all, even if the flour
} had already been baked as bread, and left in a pyramid for 3000 years.
}  67 Can mix up a cake mix that will rise even if Rosanne is sitting
} on it.
}  66 Can create an English breakfast which is 0% fat.
}  65 Can sprinkle parmesan randomly on a plate so that it produces a
} picture of Jesus Christ.
}  64 Can make a hotter chili than David Sewell.
}  63 Can then eat same chili.
}  62 Can cook vegetarian meat substitutes so that they come out looking
} and tasting vaguely like meat.
}  61 Knows the life history of every bacteria in a pot of yogurt.
}  60 Can teach all those bacteria to 'fetch'.
}
}  59 Can make Luc French post an off-topic post to rhod and *enjoy it*
}  58 Can make Kenneth Sorling post ON-topic.
}  57 Can phrase questions for Ross Clement's Oracle Search Engine
} Natural Language Interface so that it actually gets the answers right.
}  56 Able to best any number of Siamese Fighting Fish in combat, even
} when allowances is made for weight differences down to the milligram.
}  55 Can tell all the Tims on RHOD apart.
}  54 Able to spend all day incarnating, and still complete all my work
} to deadlines. Even if those deadlines are 'yesterday'.
}  53 Able to do 'Australian' Ian Davis impersonation that won't be
} faulted by other antipodeans reading RHOD.
}  52 Not only able to go to South America and assist in the creation of
} a Spanish Oracle Server, but can establish them in distant alien
} civilisations.
}  51 Can squeeze my shoulders together so that I have better breasts
} than [Female RHODite who will remain nameless]
}  50 Can make Richard Wilson admit that American spelling is more
} logical than English Spelling (even though it isn't).
}
}  49 Not only am I able to write a publishable first novel, but I could
} convince any publishing house on the planet to publish my zeroth one.
}  48 Able to do it much better than any butler.
}  47 Can come up with 1000 rhymes for 'orange', and craft superb puns
} out of each of them.
}  46 Not only knows all the ins and outs of legal rhetoric, but can sway
} a jury so convincingly that they all fall over.
}  45 Not only knows which Shakespeare plays were written by Bacon, but
} which by Sausages, which by Spare Ribs, and which by Sweet and Sour.
}  44 Not only able to transmit simple text by semaphore, but .GIFs,
} .MIDs, and fullscreen MPEG video.
}  43 Not only knows all axioms in group theory, but able to generalise
} them to include group sex theory.
}  42 Can write proof of Fermat's Last Theroem on the head of a pin.
}  41 Can then write Lord's prayer on the dot of one 'i' in proof.
}  40 Only being in world capable of writing three line limericks.
}
}  39 Able to search for web pages with the keywords 'tongue', 'finger',
} and 'Sex' without a single porn site coming up in the list. Even on
} Altavista.
}  38 Can get a used-car salesman to tell me exactly what I want to know,
} with no attempts to get me to look at 'this little beauty'.
}  37 Not only knows which cars on the lot are 'lemons', but which
} ones are limes, grapefruit, mandarines, and breadfruit.
}  36 Guys hanging around hotels in Morroco actually ask ME to
} show them around the markets.
}  35 Can talk Iranian Prime Minister to not only 'lighten up' a little,
} but get him to enter the world hula-hoop championships.
}  34 Can fly a baloon around the world in seconds, even if all the
} preparation was done by Richard Branson.
}  33 Is so popular that Pamela Anderson creates web-sites about ME.
}  32 Could talk Spamford Wallace into giving up antisocial behaviour
} (though I prefer to wait until he's built up so much bad Karma that
} I'll feel justified throwing him into the pit of torment for all
} eternity)
}  31 Can actually make $50,000 from a small initial $5 ''investment''
}  30 Knows how to get telemarketers never to phone him again (no, not
} that way, they stay alive).
}
}  29 Not only capable of motivating my subjects to build giant pyramids
} in my honour, but capable of getting my enemies to do the same.
}  28 Able to build a giant wall that will not only keep out the
} Mongols, but will not allow one of their soccer balls to bounce over
} into my kingdom.
}  27 Not only able to write a book far surpassing 'The Karma Sutra', but
} being justified in subtitling it 'My Autobiography'.
}  26 Capable of domesticating animals not only so that they accompany
} me on hunts, but so that they play fully orchestrated symphonies for
} me upon my return.
}  25 Able to get a cat to do as *I* please.
}  24 Not only capable of sailing off to discover America, but capable of
} towing it back to Europe behind me.
}  23 Able to rid any number of Monarchs of 'Accursed Priests'.
}  22 Not only capable of encouraging Monarchs to exchange their kingdoms
} for horses, but able to talk them into exchanging their kingdom for a
} diseased stoat.
}  21 Not just able to drag huge stones hundreds of miles to form
} Stonehenge, but able to play knucklebones with them.
}  20 Able to bang bigger than the big one.
}
}  19 Able to fly faster than a speeding bullet shot along the direction
} of travel on a train travelling at the speed of light.
}  18 Able to cause more and bloodier wars than the Babelfish.
}  17 Not only knows when the universe will stop expanding and shrink
} back down to a huge ball of matter, but has already successfully
} tendered for the contract to supply a worker to mop up the universe
} after it has all finished (An involuntary groan is heard from Zadoc).
}  16 Not only can I prove Fermat's last theorem, but I have rewritten
} the proof into a hit musical.
}  15 Not only do I know the square root of -1, I used to be its roomie
} back in '74.
}  14 Able not only to prove the four coloured map theorem, but able to
} colour any abstract map with one colour and still no two adjacent
} countries will be coloured the same.
}  13 Able to double my returns from my real estate investments by
} sculpting the land into a Mobius Strip and selling both sides.
}  12 Able to prove 1 + 1 = 2 by recursion.
}  11 Knows parameters for The Julia Set which will produce exact
} replicas of all of Leonardo Da Vinci's paintings.
}  10 Able to last so long in bed that my condoms are all millenium, and
} trillenium compatible.
}
}   9 Hands so skillful that not just 'she' has a climax, but the bed,
} and the other pieces of furniture in the room do so too.
}   8 Is so good at pickup lines that I can get the statue of The Venus
} Di Milo to skip out from the Lourve and come home with me.
}   7 Can give such a 'smoldering' look that bare rocks catch fire.
}   6 So funny that Queen Victoria would not just be 'amused', but would
} be in convulsions for a week.
}   5 So handsome that my features are not just 'chiseled', but have been
} gone over with fine emery paper.
}   4 So widely popular that I don't contact Inter[national]Flora on
} Valentines Day, but Inter[galactic]Flora.
}   3 Possessor of such good taste that I advise people to buy The
} Muttonbirds' latest album 'Rain, Steam, and Speed' whereever possible.
}   2 Able to write 'Top 100 Lists' in any order I please, so that I get
} to 2 and still have a gap of 10 to go back and do again.
}   1 Can easily write 100-line answers to supplications (only just).
}
} [Gasp gasp gasp]
}
} You owe The Oracle a list of your own abilities. Try to come up with
} at least three.


1083-07    (4gnk7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise oracle...
> would you please tell me what cations and anions i have in
> the substance, i have to analyze .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow!  I'm not sure I can even DIAGRAM that sentence, much less figure
} out what the heck you're talking about!  Let's see here:
}
}                                     cations
}                                  __________
}      |           \      |       / |
}  you | would tell \  me |      / a|
} _____|_____________\____|_____/  n|
}      |  \                 \   \  d|
}      |   \ please          \   \  | anions
}      |    \                 \   \_|________
}            \                 \
}                               \ (that)
}                                \      |
}                                 \  I  |  have
}                                  \____|_________
}                                       |\
}                                       | \ in
}                                          \  substance
}                                           \___________
}                                             \     \
}                                              \ the \ that
}                                               \     \      |
}                                                      \  I  | have to
}                                                       \    | analyze
}                                                        \___|________
}                                                            |
}                                                            |
}
} Ahh!  Now I see.  Well, you can expect to find the following CATions:
}
}  Fe-Li        Ca              C-H-Es+
}       x         \                    \
}                  Tb = Er+             S-H-I=Re
}
} Here you should detect these ONions:
}
} Sc-Al                     Li-As       S-H=Al-La-T
}      \                   /                       \
}       Li-O-N-S     V-I-Dy                         S
}
}   U - O - Th   = O - Ra - Cl    (a)   F - Re    Ra - Dy - C - Al
}             e-              e-              e-


1083-08    (5fjid dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@enteract.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Gimme a pun.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Muwahaha! No grovel was done
} with terse demand for a pun.
} So...a limerick and sonnet
} With a pun slapped upon it,
} -and verse- is yet to come.
}
} Oh my, I'll cast such a pall
} The priesthood will clamour and squall,
} "Have mercy, for pity sake!"
} "Give our lawyers a break!"
} - "Remember, you can't venom all!"
}
} I've not had my coffee today
} & forgiveness is not may way.
} I'll launch such a *ZOT*
} It'll weld your bald spot
} And then there'll be hell toupee.


1083-09    (auo51 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: R.P.Clement@westminster.ac.uk (Ross Clement)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does anybody use UUCP any more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...
}
} throughout the history of the Earth there have been various
} methods of data transfer...strangely they can be arranged
} in alphabetical order.
}
} AACP amoeba to amoeba copy
} BBCP bacteria to bacteria copy
} CCCP - disintegrated in 1991
} DDCP dinosaur to dinosaur copy
} EECP elephant shrew to elephant shrew copy
} FFCP frog to frog copy
} GGCP garpike to garpike copy
} HHCP hippopotamus to hippopotamus copy
} IICP iguana to iguana copy
} JJCP jellyfish to jellyfish copy
} KKCP kiwi to kiwi copy
} LLCP lemming to lemming copy
} MMCP mammoth to mammoth copy
} NNCP numbat to numbat copy
} OOCP oracle to oracle copy
} PPCP potto to potto copy
} QQCP quagga to quagga copy
} RRCP reel to reel copy
} SSCP slide rule to slide rule copy
} TTCP tape to tape copy
} UUCP unix to unix copy
} VVCP vax to vax copy
} WWCP windows to windows copy
} XXCP x-windows to x-windows copy
} YYCP yahoo to yahoo copy
} ZZCP Zadok to Zadok copy
}
} Over the past thousands of years we have worked our way
} through most of these.  Some have become extinct.  It
} looks like UUCP will be one of them because, I fear, as
} the millenium ends, we will reach the end of the
} alphabet.  Beware the Zadok bug!!!   It causes everything
} to crash whatever the date!


1083-10    (nhg68 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Top O' The Mornin' To Ye, O Oracle, who could drive all the snakes
> out of the Chicago City Council, where they came after St. Patty
> drove 'em outta Ireland.
>
> Sure'n I'm wonderin',
> How many lepers would a leprechaun con if a leprechaun could con
> lepers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O'zot!


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