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Internet Oracularities #1084

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1084, 1084-01, 1084-02, 1084-03, 1084-04, 1084-05, 1084-06, 1084-07, 1084-08, 1084-09, 1084-10


Internet Oracularities #1084    (76 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 26 Mar 1999 08:11:20 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1084
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1084  76 votes hon84 bfjm9 8iqh7 lkke1 7jgnb 29pv9 5zke2 7hql5 etia5 afogb
1084  2.9 mean  2.4   3.0   3.0   2.4   3.2   3.5   2.6   3.0   2.5   3.0


1084-01    (hon84 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> <fart>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are the wind beneath my sheets.


1084-02    (bfjm9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> What are your favorite and least favorite letters of the alphabet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm.  An intriguing supplication, for which I thank you.
}
} My first thought would imply that most common of symbols, that which
} is found following D.  But it is not as common as you might think;
} anticipating how many words you can find in a dictionary, I could find
} a surprising amount which would not contain that symbol.
}
} Contrary to that position, said symbol is rapidly indicating that I
} should award this symbol with an award for most uncompromising symbol.
} Composing this short amount of paragraphs is proving most difficult,
} and I am starting to think that this bit of my most copious wisdom
} is, mayhap. not that which I ought to impart to you.
}
} So, to finish: my opinion on your supplication is: that fifth symbol
} of thirty minus four symbols is that for which I hold both a most
} high and most low opinion.
}
} You must pay into My bank vault a box containing millions of fifth
} symbols; this way I may simply obtain a fifth symbol at any point that
} I should want to do so.  And a big glass of H2O for all this hard work!


1084-03    (8iqh7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hm, I wonder what this button does?
>
> >PRESS<

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle shouts "NOOOOOooooo!"
}
} A curtain on a far wall moves back revealing hundreds of monitors
} showing hundreds of overweight white guys in their underwear sitting
} at terminals typing away like crazy... well, they were typing. Now
} they all stop as one and look towards you and yell, "Pay no attention
} to the men behind that curtain!" The Curtain shuts. The Oracle snaps
} his fingers and Temple Security whisks you away.
}
} You are tossed without ceremony out of The Temple to land on your
} butt in street. Half a second later a paper bag is tossed out from
} The Temple at you. Upon opening the bag you find what appears to
} be the heart of a large mammal, a macrame brain and a GED diploma.
} A second later a pair of red Nikes fly out form The Temple too.
} The shoes hit you in the head.
}
} It hurts.


1084-04    (lkke1 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ZADOC:
> There's an Oracle I've found
> Could bring us all joy!
> There's an Oracle I've found
> Could cure the boy!
>
> LISA:
> An Oracle you've found
> could cure the boy!
>
> There's an Oracle I've found
> could remove his sorrow
> He lives in this town
> Let's see him tomorrow!
>
> ZADOC and LISA:
> He lives in this town
> Let's see him tomorrow!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He got toe-jam football.
} He got monkey finger.
} One thing I can tell you is the Oracle ain't free.
} Come together
} Right now.
} You owe me.


1084-05    (7jgnb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and holy Oracle, full of power and might!
> Grant me an answer to my question, before Friday night!
>
> I've had enough of "Zippergate", the whole thing makes me sick,
> So why can't someone stab Lewinsky with a pointed stick?!
>
> PLEASE?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You humans do confuse me when you send questions like these
} But I'll fulfill your wishes; after all, I aim to please.
}
} We go to our reporter: we're now live by sattelite,
} to coorespondant Zadoc, with Lewinsky on his right.
}
} Zadoc:
} Thank you, Orrie.  Here's the girl who you claim makes you sick.
} And here's a tiny, forked, unpolished, pointy little stick.
}
} I'll poke and prod and scratch and scrape and touch and tap and toy
} And rap and jab and lunge and thrust and generally annoy.
}
} Monica:
} Hey!  Ouch!  That hurts!  Quit!  Knock it off!  You're taking this too
} far. At least, please have the dignity to tell me who you are.
}
} Zadoc:
} I'm Zadoc!  Here's my business card.  A High Priest, how's that grab
} you? In fact, TIO sent me here to take this stick and stab you.
}
} Monica:
} So you work with the Oracle?  I like a man with power.
} Come over here, and settle in, cause this might last an hour.
}
} I'll show you pleasure right away, first fast and then real slow.
} (And this time I'll make sure that lousy bitch Tripp doesn't know.)
}
} Zadoc:
} Oh, yeah, uh... me and Orrie, uh... yeah, we go back real far.
} I make him lots of coffee and... erm... sometimes park his car.
}
} Monica:
} You mean that you're his flunky?  That's not very cool...
} Well, heck, I guess that's close enough.  Come here, you silly fool!
}
} Zadoc:
} Wake up!  Attention, TIO!  I quit!  Right now!  Today!
} And baby, no more of this stick.  I'm throwing it away.
}
} Monica:
} Wait a second, Zadoc.  Don't throw that very far.
} It probably works better than the President's ---===ZOT===---
}
} THE PAIN!  YEEE-AGH!  THE AGONY!  MY GOODNESS!  MAKE IT STOP!
} YEEEEEE-OUGH!  YEEEEE-EEEE-EEEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EE! Sizzle, sizzle, pop.
}
} Zadoc:
} Aw, come on, boss, that wasn't nice, I was about to score!
} It would have been the first time since July of '84.
}
} You never let me have my fun.  Well, Orrie, you can rot.
} Uhhhh....
} I didn't mean to anger you!!! WAIT!!! Drop that staff of
}
} ----====****ZOT****====----
}
} PS:
} This is the part where, in return, I often ask for stuff,
} But sitting through this poem likely was torture enough.


1084-06    (29pv9 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ohoraclemostwisewhocanbreakanycodethensacanthrowathimmypunctuationwhites
> pacecharactersandcapitallettershavebeenstolencanyoupleasehelpme

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     YesI               can      help
}   youy  o    ung    suppli      can t.
}  Youseeth   ep rob      lem    is
}  not        t   hat      yo   ur
}   spa      ce    sgo      tst
}     olen   ,youmere      l  ymi
}       ssp  lacedthem   whe  nyou
}  were  th  in          k      ing
} a bout s   omet    h  i        nge l
}    se.T    rylookin g          unde
}              ryour
}               bed
}                .
}
} You owe the Oracle some glasses.


1084-07    (5zke2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do I spam thee?  Let me count the ways.
> I spam thee with an Karen Liddell chain.  It's not an MLM!
> I spam thee with a special offer that none can e'er refuse,
> For all the used golf balls needed for a lifetime.
> I spam thee with a laundry disk that doesn't really work.
> I spam thee with a curious "test"
> To verify your email really works.
> I spam thee with a penny stock.  It isn't really worthless,
> No matter what the Wall Street experts say.
> But most of all, I spam thee with a bold and blatant ad
> For a million clean addresses and my "Stealth Email Blast-O-Matic",
> So that you may spam as well.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello.
}
} I'm Craig Shergold. You may remember me as the plucky,
} 9-year-old English kid with a terminal brain tumor in 1989. A
} year later, not only did I get better, but I also made it into
} the Guiness Book of World Records for getting the most spam.
} Of course, back then, we called it "greeting cards," but it's
} basically the same thing. Oh, and the brain tumor? Well, as it
} turned out, it was all just a goofy misunderstanding.
}
} But the important thing is that I got all of these complete
} strangers to send me stuff without even having to ask for
} it. Can you imagine the joy and giddiness I felt opening
} 44,000 envelopes every day for a year? No one can...until
} now! Thanks to Al Gore's gift of the Internet, I can return
} the happiness that all of you sent me during my painful
} year-long near-death experience in a rancid British
} roach-infested hospital.
}
} Oh sure, I occasionally use aliases:  my 2nd grade music
} teacher, Mr. Rhodes, is singing his own blues these days.
} And I've learned to type with my nose since 16 million paper
} cuts haven't left me with much below the elbows.
}
} Still, it is my civic duty to see to it that everyone on
} this planet gets an opportunity to achieve the same world
} record status that was bestowed upon me. So when you
} receive an "electronic greeting card" from me, don't delete
} it...save it. Send it to a friend. Send it to yourself!
} Then send it to Guiness. But don't feel obligated to send
} it to me. I've already achieved my fifteen minutes of fame.


1084-08    (7hql5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <drnoe@primenet.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ORA 399 GENERAL OMNISCIENCE.  Credits: 1.00, Hours: Variable.
> Section 01.  Call No. 999999.  Limit: none.  Instructor: I ORACLE
>
>     Description: A multi-faceted survey covering general world
>     knowlege, cultural literacy, computer terminology, Zen Buddhism,
>     Life, the Universe, and Everything.  Not open to students who have
>     had "JUNO 142: Commercial Promotion Through Mass E-mail" or members
>     of the Woodchuck Faculty.  Instructor Permission required.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: No, you can't audit the class.
}
} Student #32: Like, will that be on the test?
}
} Oracle: NO.
}
} Student #43 : Ah dude, I got water-polo practice on Thursdays and I
}          like was wondering if I could like skip those classes and
}          like. . .
}
} Oracle: Since you're going to get hit by a car and die on the
}         first of next month it really doesn't matter.
}
} Student #43: Dude! Is like that a joke or are you being like
}         all knowing and stuff?
}
} Oracle: Jokes will be discussed in all classes as outlined in the
}         syllabus. Tests will . . .
}
} Student #13: Whoa. Tests? Can I take like credit/no fail on
}         those? I have a test anxiety disorder.
}
} Oracle: I checked the bookstore, all texts are in. Reading
}         the assignments BEFORE coming to class is urged.
}         Moreover. . .
}
} Student #06: How much wo...
}
} [ ZOT! ]
}
} Student #43: Righteous! Will we learn how to do that?


1084-09    (etia5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
>
> *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
>   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *   *
> This is my sig.  It doesn't tell you my name or anything
> else about me, but it is distinctive enough that you can
> recognize it if you have seen it before, allowing you to
> make reference to any questions and answers you have
> previously exchanged with me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Me Og. Me DJ at WORY, all orrie, all time radio. Me spin great Oracle
} hits. Og like best Orrie & Zadoc's Ms. Lisa:
}
} And here's to you, Ms. Lisa
} Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot)
} Zeus bless you please, Ms. Lisa,
} Orrie has left and gone away....
} (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
}
} We'd like to know a little bit about you for our killfiles
} We'd like to help you learn to help you give yourself
} Look around you, all you see are sex addicted guys
} Stalking you around the grounds until you groan
}
} And here's to you, Ms. Lisa
} Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot)
} Zeus be with you please, Ms. Lisa,
} Orrie has left and gone away....
} (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
}
} Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes
} Put on your pantry with your ZOTcakes
} It's a little secret, just a certain priest's affair...
} Most of all, you've got to hide it from from the supplicants
}
} Coo, coo, ca-choo, Ms Lisa
} And here's to you, Ms. Lisa
} Zadoc lusts after you more than you will know... (Zot, zot, zot)
} God bless you please, Ms. Lisa,
} Orrie has left and gone away....
} (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)
}
} Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon
} Going to the temple or Eros Orgy
} Laugh about it, shout about it
} When you've enjoyed being used
} Every way you look at you're loose
}
} Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio
} A nation turns its lonely eyes to you (Zot, zot, zot)
} What's that you say, Ms. Lisa
} Joltin' Joe has left and gone away
} (Hey, hey, hey...hey, hey, hey)


1084-10    (afogb dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, I love you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before this goes any further... Does your friend own any tape
} recorders?


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