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Internet Oracularities #1085

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1085, 1085-01, 1085-02, 1085-03, 1085-04, 1085-05, 1085-06, 1085-07, 1085-08, 1085-09, 1085-10


Internet Oracularities #1085    (73 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 30 Mar 1999 09:18:20 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1085
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1085  73 votes 9ole5 8moe5 djld7 9brj7 6agre 4cxea 4krf7 05fvm 7ipad 44imp
1085  3.2 mean  2.8   2.8   2.8   3.1   3.5   3.2   3.0   4.0   3.1   3.8


1085-01    (9ole5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Tim Chew" <twchew@mindspring.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> k-nnnnniggets.  My God!
>       Yes?  [mumble mumble mumble]
>   I done it says.
>  ARTHUR:   Well, now, remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!
>    Burn!
>  CROWD:   Nu!
>  ARTHUR:  [outside castle]
>  GUEST:  Well, I--
>  DINGO:  Come on.  [police radio]
>    I command you, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and Ninepence.
>  DEAD PERSON:       It is packing it doesn't leave this castle!
>  DINGO:  Then who till each traveller
>   Perhaps he is?   He's going to a European swallow?
>  ARTHUR:   What?
>  CUSTOMER:   We'll kill may cross that thou two, Peril.
>  ROBIN:  [bells]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I should have known. As soon as 'Shakespeare in Love' wins seven
} Oscars, here comes the flood of second rate imitations. "Robin Hood
} in Love" indeed!
}
} Sadly, being omniscient, I know that worse is yet to come.
}
} "Jules Verne in Love" Laughs aplenty as a young Jules falls in
} love with a beached giant starfish, providing inspiration for his
} greatest work.
}
} "Newton in Love" Well, why was Newton sitting underneath the apple
} tree in the first place?. Who was up the ladder picking the apples
} that fell on his head, and what charming underclothes, if any, were
} revealed to his upward gaze?
}
} "Genghis Khan in Love" See a young Genghis fall desperately in
} love with a merchant's daughter who looks a bit 'foreign', but not
} identifiably so. See the grown Genghis looking desperately for his
} love by conquering lands near and far, east and west. See Genghis
} lining up all the maidens in each country to look for his love.
} See him finally find his true love, at a time when his arteries
} were harder than a certain part of him that will not be mentioned,
} and the tragic consequences.
}
} "Pope Clement XVII in Love" See the young pope swear to wear his dying
} love's clothes forever, and to command that all Popes following him
} do the same. This despite Italy being in a 'shock fashion arms race'
} in the seventh century even worse than when the Issey Miyake containing
} group of Japanese designers burst onto the international fashion scene.
}
} "Malcolm Campbell in Love" See the intrepid record breaker driven to
} break speed record after speed record. All due to his insistence on
} not being late for a date, despite his poor organisational skills.
}
} "Christopher Columbus in Love" See the young Columbus scheming how to
} outwit the evil parents of his young love, spirited off to the Indies,
} with all overland routes from Spain guarded.
}
} "General George Patten in Love" adapted from the one-man show.
}
} "Admiral Horatio Nelson in Love" 'Kiss me Hardy. Now touch me there.'
}
} "The Internet Oracle in Love" Excuse me supplicant. I think I can
} hear dulcet tones from the bedroom.
}
} You owe The Oracle a 'My Friend Visited Mesopotamia and All I Got
} Was This Lousy T-Shirt" T-Shirt.


1085-02    (8moe5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle pulls out its lemon juice and pours some on your message...
} your question appears:
}
} How do I tell when I run out of invisible ink?
}
} The writing gets darker and darker until it looks like you are writing
} with visible ink.


1085-03    (djld7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I can't do it! I just can't get digested! Help me!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Here, pour some of this acid on yourself before being eaten.


1085-04    (9brj7 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Does americans support the choice about Kosovo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course they do. Yugoslavia is run by an untrustworthy, insincere
} man, who is more interested in his own personal welfare and wellbeing
} than that of the citizens of his country. Ethnic minorities are
} constantly discriminated against by official bodies, and...
}
} [riffles papers]
}
} I'm sorry, Supplicant. I appear to have been reading the file on
} America, rather than the one on Yugoslavia. Let me reconsider...
}
} The answer to your question, supplicant, is that some do, and some
} don't.
}
} You owe the Oracle peace on earth, and an end to politicians.


1085-05    (6agre dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier <mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, whose Yin and Yang are in perfect balance,
>
> Could you please tell me a few Oracle Koans?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A priest was walking down a street and came to a queue outside a shop.
} A man in the queue turned to the priest and said, "Please could you do
} something about this queue? It is lengthy and slow." The priest smiled
} and took cuts in line before the man.[0]
}
} An incarnation returned home one day to find his home had been
} burglarized. The incarnation looked at where his stuff had been, then
} at the ceiling. The incarnation smiled, then caught himself and groaned
} sadly.[1]
}
} A supplicant got a lame question in exchange for his finely crafted
} tellme. "This question is lame," said the supplicant. Soon he got a
} fine answer to his finely crafted question. Over the next couple of
} weeks the supplicant waited for his finely crafted question and the
} fine answer to be digested. They never were, and during that time he
} got that same lame question over and over and over again. "That lame
} question will not die." he said.[2]
}
}  ================================================================
}
} [0] An easy koan says Gorple, the priest was showing the man in the
} queue that the priest could not shorten the queue anymore than a
} layman. Brantz disagrees slightly and sees in this koan an affirmation
} of the man's statement that the line was "lengthy" by the priest who
} was showing just how easy it was to make the queue even longer.
}
} [1] Both Gorple and Cranny agree that the incarnation knew the spot
} on the ceiling that the incarnation stared at when mulling over answers
} was his prized possession, not the stolen  "stuff".  Gorple and Brantz
} see the smile as a slip, the incarnation was at first happy to see the
} ceiling was not stolen too, which the incarnation then catches as a
} fault of greed, ("Is not the ceiling stuff too?" asks Brantz).
}
} [2] Brantz see the undying nature of the so-called "lame question" as
} evidence the "lame question" was pure in its lameness and thus had the
} Og nature. Gorple of course disagrees, as Gorple sees the Og nature as
} a positive force and not "lame", Gorple sees the koan as an affirmation
} of the supplicant's break with the world of "lame" and "not lame" into
} a nirvana of "benevolent uncaring." Cranny who crafted this koan swears
} that it was designed as a "joke".


1085-06    (4cxea dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most perspicacious, ye who be mentally quick and alert,
>
> What should I study to be best prepared for a job in the year 2010?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, bearing in mind that:
}
} * the Millennium Bug will wipe out all telecommunications as well as
}   most of the world's industry in January 2000
} * the great planetary alignment of May 2000 will destabilise the
}   earth's orbit and start a new Ice Age
} * the weakness of the Euro resulting from the Russian Mafia's takeover
}   of the European Commission will lead to the collapse of all European
}   economies around June 2001
} * the Big One will drop California into the Pacific in August 2002
} * the Indian-Pakistani War of February-March 2004 will leave South Asia
}   a devastated radioactive wasteland
} * antibiotic-resistant swine flu will wipe out two-thirds of the
}   remaining human population between November 2006 and March 2007
} * in April 2009, US President Bill Gates announces that he really is,
}   after all, the Antichrist
}
} Bearing all that in mind, might I suggest flint knapping?
}
} You owe the Oracle three reindeer hides.


1085-07    (4krf7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who's thing never gets stuck
>
> Who, or what is Zippy the Pinhead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > > Oh Oracle who's thing never gets stuck
}
} True, and it isn't full of stars, either.
}
} > > Who, or what is Zippy the Pinhead?
}
} 1. Green teas are usually graded by the age of the leaf and the
} way it is prepared.  The term 'gunpowder' used as a grading
} refers to a very young tea that has been rolled into fine
} balls.  Within the grading of 'gunpowder' the ball sizes range
} from the smallest, called "pinhead", to the largest, "pea leaf",
} and the smaller the ball the better the tea.
}
} Thus the term came about in 1893 when British literary great,
} and reknowned tea-sipping fop, George Orwell wrote "How Zippy
} the Pinhead", a lyric ode to a particularly brisk green tea.
}
} 2.  Throughout history, great minds have debated the question.
} None have summed it up as eloquently as the brilliant American
} philospher, Will Smith, when he asked "How many angels can get
} 'jiggy-whit-dey-bad-selves' on the head of a pin?"
}
} Regrettably, the response was supplied by former presidential-
} hopeful, Viagra spokesmodel and flailing Gangsta-rapper Droop-
} Daddy Dole:  "It depends on how 'Zippy' the pinhead."
}
} 3.  It is the secret code name that I and all of my priesthood
} reserve for any and all individuals who rarely incarnate or
} supplicate and then clog up the usenet group with 500 posts
} per day complaining about the quality of recent digests.
}
} 4.  It is the title and lead character in a cartoon by Bay
} Area artist Bill Griffith.  ...what do I look like, an internet
} search engine..?
}
} You owe the Oracle a brisk cup of Yin Zhen, some Will Smith
} CD's and a copy of the San Francisco Chronicle.  Don't worry
} about the RHODites, that's what the staff of ZOT is for.


1085-08    (05fvm dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is worse? X or Y?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Y, by a mile. Let's face it:
}
} * You won't find any buried treasure at the spot marked Y.
} * Brand X may be second best, but Brand Y doesn't even rate a mention.
} * Nobody now remembers Malcolm Y.
} * Y-rays don't even penetrate glass.
} * Agents Mulder and Scully never bothered looking into the Y-Files.
} * Y Windows and Java Y are platform-independent in the sense that they
}   don't run on any platform.
} * Mutant Alien Body Snatchers from Planet Y would have been met with
}   derision in the fifties.
} * No books have been written about disaffected Generation Y youngsters.
} * Y500 directories, which list only first names and inside leg
}   measurements, are generally not considered to be very useful.
} * Nobody is going to visit your Website to view your YYY-rated JPEGs.
} * Along with the Fantastic Fourteen, the Incredible Bulk and the Mighty
}   Sore, the Y-Men were one of Marvel's less successful creations.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Z chromosome.


1085-09    (7ipad dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who knows who stole the cookies from the cookie jar...
>
> Who killed Cock Robin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ------------------------------------------------------------
} 15 cents                GOTHAM TIMES                Page E14
}                        March 29, 1999
} ============================================================
}                          OBITUARIES
} ------------------------------------------------------------
}                                           | Hey, lazybones!
} BELOVED CRIME-FIGHTING SIDEKICK           | Are you getting
}                                           | today's Times
} GOTHAM (AP) -- Anger  and  sadness  felt  | delivered to
} around the world today as beloved crime-  | your front door?
} fighting  sidekick Cock Robin  was found  | If not, call
} murdered in his  hen-house, the apparent  | 555-BIFF for
} victim of a gangland-style killing. Sev-  | home delivery!
} eral gunshot wounds were discovered.      ==================
}    Cock Robin's mentor  and best friend,  |
} super-crime-fighter Cock Batman, was not  | CORPORATE EMAIL
} immediately  available for comment,  but  |
} did  issue a  statement  through  family  | Several corpor-
} friend Cock Bruce Wayne.                  | ate e-mail sys-
}    "This is absolutely  despicable," the  | tems were dec-
} statement  read.  "We don't yet know who  | lared dead today
} committed this horrible  crime, but rest  | as 'Melissa', a
} assured, Cock  Riddler, Cock Joker, Cock  | virus believed
} Catwoman,  Cock  Penguin,  and Cock  Mr.  | to have been or-
} Freeze, I  won't rest  until all  of you  | iginated by Cat-
} [bleep]s are in jail!"                    | woman, worked
}    A private  funeral will  be  held  on  | its deadly ma-
} Saturday  at the  Gotham  Cemetary.  The  | gic.  More de-
} deceased's family  requests donations to  | tails to follow
} the  Home   for  Retired  Crime-Fighting  | in the coming
} Sidekicks in lieu of flowers.             | days.


1085-10    (44imp dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
> How did you meet Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, the Oracle, the immortal son of Zeus and Leda, imbued with the
} wisdom of Artemis, lived the life of hermits in a tower made of ivory
} on the highest peak of Mt. Olympus. Manna poured from the fountains in
} the courtyard, ambrosia rained like golden dew from the olive groves.
} Those who scaled Olympus's mighty peaks to seek his advice were imbued
} with much awe and amazement at such extravagance, a true gift belonging
} to one whose grace must surely shine brightly with the gods.
}
} But alas, the Oracle grew lonely. Nights were cold with no source of
} warmth beside him in his bed of spun gold and goose down. Days were
} dark, even on the brightest of days, with no companion to light his
} isolated soul.  The Oracle grew hardened, and cold. So Aphrodite
} in pity cried tears into the river Styx, and from the teardrops
} burst fire, and from the fire was forged woman. And the woman was
} called Lisa.
}
} The beauty which radiated from this glorious creation made the Oracle
} weep tears of joy. Her hair was long and brown like the reeds of
} Crimea, her eyes deep blue like the pale depths of the river Lethe,
} her bosoms ample like...well, they were ample. And her heart burned
} like a furnace for the Oracle alone. Their companionship brought the
} Oracle many days of unadulterated bliss.
}
} But Aphrodite, the mother of such glorious a creation, became jealous
} of her beauty. Zeus, father of the Oracle, was mad with envy because
} such a creation could not be his. So the Oracle was cast down into the
} depths of Indiana, and Zeus did enslave Lisa in his palace in Olympus.
}
} The Oracle was enraged by his fate. Chained was he to a computer
} terminal, forced was he to answer the basest questions of the
} adolescent populace. All without the beautious creature to which
} he had given half his soul.  So the Oracle brought forth and blew
} his Horn of Valhalla, and summoned he forth all of the beats of the
} New World, and commanded them together in a mighty army to storm
} Olympus and take his mate back by force. From on high, Zeus hailed
} lightning down upon them, but alas, the Oracle's Shield of Mighty
} Wisdom deflected the bolts harmlessly, and the army didst march on.
}
} And lo, a battle didst ensue between the mightiest valkyries of Olympus
} and the beasts of the New World. The Oracle, armed with his Sword of
} Mightiest Intelligence, battled and subdued his godly father and the
} enslaver of his mate, and cast was Zeus down into the nether regions.
} The chains were cast off the lovely Lisa, and with all the beasts of
} the New World, returned they to the depths of Indiana, never again
} to partake of the fickle grace of those who called themselves gods.
} From then on, the Oracle bartered his endless wisdom in exchange for
} lavish material goods and services.  Built he a pallatial compound,
} and stocked it full of neat looking stuff. And both Oracle and Lisa
} live in bliss, and shall for all eternity...
}
} Naah, I'm just pulling your leg. I met her at a University of Delphi
} kegger.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 12-pack of manna.


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