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Internet Oracularities #1087

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Internet Oracularities #1087    (74 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 8 Apr 1999 08:12:16 -0500 (EST)

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   1087
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1087  74 votes 36gls 0cpu7 cuk84 Fga34 amhl4 kmfb6 6pof4 5oni4 1ivk4 8ijja
1087  2.9 mean  3.9   3.4   2.5   1.8   2.8   2.5   2.8   2.9   3.1   3.1


1087-01    (36gls dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Kirsten Chevalier <mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is dielectric materialism?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dielectric materialism is, as those of us in the know like to say, the
} bastard child of quantitative metathesis and corroborative nuclear
} scaling theory.  Ha ha ha!  Get it?
}
} <Pause.>
}
} I see.  Well, supplicant, perhaps I ought to explain it this way:
}
} Pretend you have an egg.  The egg represents Truth and Value.  Now,
} pretend you have a Teflon-coated frying pan.  The pan represents
} reality, the Teflon represents self-recognition, and the handle
} represents the possibility of God.  Admittedly, the handle is
} simultaneously extant and non-extant, which creates problems when
} flipping Truth out of Reality and frying Value, but we'll get to that
} when we do.
}
} Now we put Reality onto the Furnace of the Universe, and apply Truth to
} it. Separated by Self-recognition and Reality from the Universe, Truth
} bubbles only slightly, signifying an indirect and presently
} indeterminate change in its capacity to exist.  Now, using God we
} remove Reality briefly from the Universe, and flip Truth into Value,
} which will now begin bubbling more loudly.  As Self-recognition has
} probably worn away by this point (as Reality was quite cheap, having
} been bought at Wal-Mart for $4.85), Value is applied diectly to
} Reality, resulting in flames and loud spurts of Value and Truth out of
} Reality and directly onto the Universe, which loud fizzing begins,
} spurting flaming droplets of Truth and Reality onto God, and causing
} the Unmoved Mover wielding Reality (by way of God) to shriek in
} unbelieveable pain while the reast of Truth and Value burns into the
} Charcoal of Damnation in the middle of a Reality devoid of
} Self-recognition.
}
} Now the Unmoved Mover will probably lose his or her grip on God and
} drop Him on the floor, splattering Truth, etc., everywhere, coating the
} Kitchen of Redemption in Damnation, and restoring the Universe and its
} vicinity to its original state of Chaos.
}
} This process, which you can see demonstrated nearly daily in the rooms
} of Bachelors of Clumsiness everywhere in the world, is often referred
} to as dielectric materialism.
}
} You owe the Oracle some scrambled Truth, or perhaps some Value
} sunny-side up.


1087-02    (0cpu7 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mellifluous Oracle, who knows all the chords to all the songs.
> I heard this song the other day, but I can't quite understand
> what it meant.  Perhaps you can tell me... why do fuels fall in
> love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An interesting question o supplicant.  Lets take a look thought the
} archives, and see what we can come up with...  Ah ha, here we have the
} transcript of a phone conversation between two benzene molecules, the
} morning after the party...
}
} C6H6(1): So, you seemed to have a good time last night?
} C6H6(2): I dunno, can't remember a thing.  One moment I'm cracking a
} few bonds, and the next I wake up with all my carbons in a loop...  I
} feel terrible.
} C6H6(1): So you don't remember that paraffin molecule you were chatting
} up last night?
} C6H6(2): What paraffin molecule? [tones of deep foreboding]
} C6H6(1): You said, and I quote, she was the best thing that had ever
} happened to you.
} C6H6(2): Oh no, not again.  I must have been outa my ring!
}
} So there you have it.  Fuels fall in love due to excess alcohol, just
} like the rest of us.
}
} You owe the Oracle some decent questions about computer science that I
} can answer without resort to an encyclopaedia.


1087-03    (cuk84 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Orrie -
>
> your current group of incarnations is, to be blunt, hopelessly unfunny.
> It's getting to the point where you're no fun anymore, and sometimes it
> hurts so badly I must cry out loud.
>
> Judy

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You get what you pay for.
}
} Let's look at what you currently owe the Oracle for past advice
} rendered shall we?
}
} * Seven albino alligators missing their tails
} * A picture of your mother beating a carpet
} * Unopened six packets Ex-lax
} * 2 sacred ibis wearing fezs
} * 6 Eskimo cakes,extra large
} * Taxes and Texas or "23 taxi cabs" written in blood on a cherry pie
}
} You owe the Oracle a subliminal message.


1087-04    (Fga34 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The Internet Oracle wrote:
> >
> > The Internet Oracle is pondering your question.
> >
> > Expect an answer in a day or two.
>
> HAHA! I have succeeded!
>
> The Queue Drainer

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 907463521  011121442  190768050  718956337  560151743
} 378852621  871449817  327809594  109785165  995114584
} 318050756  537113114  841145926  764719416  712381823
} 424558372  400123399  981281675  132169613  369124764
} 514080304  124314001  353100714  468523425  702752811
} 554732398  662853490  842675404  154936089  064011858
} 252101348  204049061  473751962  034480978  850723809
}
} Knock knock, Drainer.


1087-05    (amhl4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most keen,
> Why are the neighbours always complaining about my sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thursday, April 1, 1999
} 11:31 P.M.
}
} "Rrrrrrrrring........ Rrrrrrrrring ........."
}
} George is startled from his slumber by the harsh ringing of the
} telephone by his bed.  As he answers, he notices the time on the clock
} and groans.
}
} "Hello, George Potter here."
}
} "Mr. Potter, is your refrigerator running?"
}
} George, still groggy from being wakened from his slumber is confused by
} the sounds of bleating in the background as much as by the question.
} "I'm not sure.  Who is this?"
}
} "Well, if it is, you'd better go catch it!  Bahhhh!  Bahhhh!  Bahhhh!"
} (CLICK!)  The harsh sound of the receiver slamming down on the other
} end of the line brought George out of his mental fog.
}
} "Those @#$%! sheep again!  I've got just the thing for them...."
}
} 11:52 P.M.
}
} "Ding-Dong"............"Ding-Dong"
}
} "I'm commin', I'm commin'!", Phil yells as he reaches for his
} spectacles and slowly climbs out of bed.  "Who could be coming by at
} this hour of the night?  I hope Mrs. Johnson hasn't been into her
} "medicine" again!"
}
} As he unlocks the door and opens it, he is shocked to find no one
} there.  In an instant he sees the all too familiar, flaming brown bag
} on the edge of the porch!  As quick as a cat, Phil grabs the fire
} extinguisher from behind the door, and douses the flames.
}
} "I'll catch you one of these days you little hellions!"
}
} That night, as he lay in bed, with the scent of CO2 and burning sheep
} dung still in the air, Phil began plotting his revenge....


1087-06    (kmfb6 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Monica Lewinsky.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is something that sucks as much as Windows98?
}
} I'll take "Non-grovelling Supplicants" for $300.


1087-07    (6pof4 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> And I still *ZOT* you, Like a Woodchuck Questioner

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yet ANOTHER question that means different things, depending on how you
} interpret it.  Gentle supplicants, PLEASE be more clear when wording
} your queries.  Here are some simple points of writing style that will
} improve your chances of getting meaningful replies:
}
} If you meant to say that you were "still", it would better to write
} "Motionlessly, I *ZOT* you like a woodchuck questioner."  Of course,
} everyone knows that a good *ZOT* requires at the very least a
} satisfyingly swift kick to the groin, so a "motionless *ZOT*" is
} absurd.
}
} If you meant to say the you *ZOT* me "like one who questions
} woodchucks", this is also vague.  For you see, interrogating woodchucks
} is both rewarding and satisfying, and so it's not a very menacing
} threat.  On the other hand, if your meaning is "I, like one who
} questions woodchucks, still *ZOT* you", well, I can tell you from
} personal experience that questioning woodchucks pretty much takes all
} the *ZOT* right out of you.
}
} Perhaps you are of the opinion that *ZOT* is a transitive verb, and you
} write like a 16 year old girl, making your meaning "I *ZOT* you, like,
} a Woodchuck Questioner".  This is a common grammatical error.  *ZOT* is
} clearly the imperative pluperfect subjunctive future tense of "to
} *ZOT*", and therefore clearly cannot be transitive.
}
} Now, another possibility is that you are having trouble with your spell
} checker.  I know from first hand experience that MY spell checker often
} tries to check "auctioneer" to "questioner", which would help your
} original question quite a lot.
}
} And, of course, if you meant to say "woodduck", well, that changes
} EVERYTHING.
}
} You owe the Oracle, like, a woodduck auctioneer.


1087-08    (5oni4 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow! How exciting is that? Did you think of that question all by
} yourself or did you have help? Tell you what - just for a wheeze, let's
} have a look at the All-Time Top 20 Questions Most Frequently Asked of
} the Internet Oracle, to see how you score:
}
}  1. The w**dchuck question, plus variants. (No surprise there, eh?)
}  2. Blanco questions.
}  3. Gratuitous attacks on Bill Gates & Microsoft.
}  4. Parodies on Star Trek & its various offspring.
}  5. Monty Python references.
}  6. Parodies on Infocom et al.
}  7. Cat questions (except #19, below).
}  8. How do I get a girlfriend? (What a bunch of sad little dweebs you
}     are, to be sure)
}  9. Gratuitous attacks on AOL/Juno/Hotmail.
} 10. Questions framed as Perl scripts.
} 11. References to The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Universe & the number
}     42.
} 12. Stephen Wright rip-offs.
} 13. Questions in Og-speak.
} 14. Haikus.
} 15. Serious questions from idiots who don't realise this service is
}     supposed to be for laughs.
} 16. How do I get a boyfriend? (And dweebettes)
} 17. References to Bill Clinton's sexual escapades.
} 18. References to Lisa's sexual escapades. (Actually, I don't mind
}     those)
} 19. The cat and buttered toast paradox.
} 20. Bogus spam mailings.
}
} So there you have it - you're in at #12 (along with shipment & cargo,
} kamikaze pilots' helmets, using a silencer to shoot mimes, another word
} for thesaurus, etc, etc, interminably etc). This makes you not the most
} boring supplicant it has ever been my misfortune to encounter, but you
} tried hard. Better luck next time.


1087-09    (1ivk4 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Ken McGlothlen <mcglk@serv.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What was actor John Waynes's real name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} John W. Anus. So you can see why he changed it, can't you?
}
} Even so, John Waynes never really made it to the top flight of
} Hollywood screen idols. Perhaps it was because of his severe speech
} impediment. Perhaps it was because of the confusing similarity between
} his chosen nom-de-theatre and that of another Western star, John Wayne.
} Or perhaps it was because of his choice of projects: "High
} Eleven-Thirty", "The Moderately Sized Country" and "The Man Who Shouted
} at Liberty Valance" are not titles forever etched in our collective
} consciousness.
}
} Whatever the reasons, John Waynes died in relative obscurity in October
} 1976, after a long illness. There is a small memorial in his home town
} of Spudburg, Wisconsin. Unfortunately, they misspelled his name "John
} Waynesworld". Sic transit gloria mundi.
}
} You owe the Oracle a video of "She Wore a Yellow Cat Suit".


1087-10    (8ijja dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wise Oracle, who knows the secret of immortality,
>
> How did Zadoc come to be in your service?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He was being obnoxious, so I shrunk him down to the size of a
} marshmallow and put him in the big silver teapot. When apologizes
} adequately, I'll let him out.
}
} You owe the Oracle two lumps of sugar.


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