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Internet Oracularities #1088

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Internet Oracularities #1088    (80 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 13 Apr 1999 09:40:23 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle (TM), including how to
participate, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help"
in the subject line.  ("Internet Oracle" is a trademark of Stephen
B Kinzler.)

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   1088
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

1088  80 votes 24hur 27Bt5 ailhe 19vrc cst92 4btt7 bvx41 5dxl8 725oG 6hCg3
1088  3.2 mean  4.0   3.4   3.1   3.5   2.5   3.3   2.4   3.2   4.2   2.9


1088-01    (24hur dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When is Super Model Heidi Klum going to ask me to marry her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Heh heh heh... that'll be the day.
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+
} |  TOP STORIES  |         ###   ##  #####  ## ## ##  #######           |
} |  --- -------  |         ####  ##  ##     ## ## ##  ##                |
} |               |         ## ## ##  ####   ## ## ##  #######           |
} | POPE REPORTS: |         ##  ####  ##     ########       ##           |
} |    HELL IS    |         ##   ###  #####   ######   #######           |
} | COOLING DOWN! |------------------------------------------------------|
} |   Story, A1   |                                                      |
} |               |    MASS FLYING PIG SIGHTING IN WASHINGTON, D.C.      |
} |   DAN QUAYLE  |                                                      |
} | WINS LANDSLIDE| Thousands of people claim to have a seen a pig       |
} |  PRESIDENTIAL | soaring over Washington D.C. on Monday.              |
} |    ELECTION   |                                                      |
} |   Story, A2   | "We estimate that the pig flew between 500 and 800   |
} |               | feet above the ground," said Lionel Dean of the D.C. |
} | O.J. SIMPSON  | Park Service.  "It flew over Washington for a period |
} |   CONFESSES   | of about 15 minutes before heading out over the At-  |
} |   Story, A4   | lantic Ocean.  We believe it was a boar, and it ap-  |
} |               | parently had wings.  Other than that no one was able |
} |  KLUM: WILL   | to make a positive I.D. on the pig.  It could be my  |
} |  SHE MARRY?   | pig, it could be anybody's pig."                     |
} |  Story, A1    |                                                      |
} |---------------+ "Unbelievable.  [Expletive] unbelievable."  This was |
} | the reaction of Darren Lytefoot, 26, a Washington resident.  "I was  |
} | just chilling out on the mall, you know, and I looked up and there   |
} | was this pig up there in the sky.  So of course I thought I was      |
} | having, like, an acid flashback... but when it didn't mutate into a  |
} | giant lizard or anything then I knew it had to be real."             |
} |                                                                      |
} | Skeptics have long dismissed reports of flying-pig sightings as the  |
} | work of cranks and crackpots.  But Monday's event was witnessed by   |
} | about 10,000 people in D.C., according to a Park Service estimate.   |
} | In fact, one of those spectators was president-elect J. Danforth     |
} | Quayle.                                                              |
} |                                                                      |
} | "It was incredible," said Quayle to a bustling crowd of reporters at |
} | a press conference held the day after the event.  "Most incredible of|
} | all because it happened here, right here, in our capital's nation,   |
} | and I was able to see it all from the White House lawn.  When our    |
} | children look back at tomorrow, uh, back from tomorrow, I only hope  |
} | that they will see this flying-pig event as it occured today, or     |
} | yesterday, and remember that it happened right here, on my lawn."    |
} |                                                                      |
} | Some have spectulated that this new trend could spell doom for the   |
} | ham industry, however.                                               |
} |                                                                      |
} |               POPE REPORTS: HELL IS COOLING OFF                      |
} |                                                                      |
} | Pope John Paul III shocked the Catholic world when he announced on   |
} | Monday that hell is, in fact, cooling off.  The Pope's report con-   |
} | cluded that hell's temperature, estimated at a torturous 1100 degrees|
} | during biblical times, has since decreased to a nearly-tolerable 215 |
} | degrees.                                                             |
} |                                                                      |
} | "I'm as surprised as anyone," remarked Richard Boyer, a pastor at    |
} | Third Presbyterian Church in Norfolk, Virginia.  "I couldn't believe |
} | it when I first heard.  No more fire and brimstone?  No more flaming |
} | torment?  If people start to think of eternal damnation like an      |
} | extended vacation in Barbados, we're all in for trouble."            |
} |                                                                      |
} | The Pope held a conference on Wednesday to try to quell the public   |
} | uncertainty that followed his announcement.                          |
} |                                                                      |
} | "There are processes at work here that we're only just beginning to  |
} | understand," he explained.  "To present a layman's example: most     |
} | people know that when a lot of people enter a cool room, the room    |
} | heats up.  Well, the reverse happens when a lot of people enter an   |
} | area where the temperature is well above body temperature, as in the |
} | passage of the sinful into the underworld.  Of course, a single      |
} | damned soul hardly makes a difference, but when you're talking about |
} | billions upon billions of banished humans over six millenia or so,   |
} | even the searing flames of hellfire begin to fade.  This is one of   |
} | the many factors contributing to what we have dubbed the Netherworld |
} | Cooling Effect."                                                     |
} |                                                                      |
} | Regular church attendee Joyce Johnson, a retired supermarket worker, |
} | expressed disappointment in reaction to the news.  "215 degrees?     |
} | That's not enough to cook a steak!  I've been going to church every  |
} | week for the last 76 years just to avoid a mild sunburn in the after-|
} | life?  What a crock!"                                                |
} |                                                                      |
} | In other news, _Playboy_ recently reported the highest sales in      |
} | company history.  (See Story, A6)                                    |
} |                                                                      |
} |         SUPERMODEL HEIDI KLUM ANNOUNCES MARRIAGE DECISION            |
} |                                                                      |
} | In a public announcement Tuesday, supermodel Heidi Klum reaffirmed   |
} | that, despite rumors to the contrary, she definitely will not marry  |
} | supplicant J. R. Quentin.                                            |
} |                                                                      |
} | Some of those present at the announcement said they were disappoint- |
} | ed.  Even though Klum has previously declined Quentin's long-standing|
} | proposal of marriage, there was speculation that she might have      |
} | changed her mind. "I thought, 'Heidi and J.R.?'" said one spectator, |
} | "hey, weirder things have happened."  He paused.  "On second thought,|
} | maybe they haven't."                                                 |
} |                                                                      |
} | The crowd was hushed as Klum solemnly explained that she has "does   |
} | not intend to marry J. R. Quentin, ever."                            |
} |                                                                      |
} | "Now, I don't want people to start to think that I'm either frigid or|
} | that I can't settle down," she continued.  "I'm not opposed to       |
} | marriage.  I just don't want to marry this one particular guy."      |
} |                                                                      |
} | "I've gotten letters from fans, most of them college-age males, I    |
} | think, who say, Heidi, why won't you marry him, he deserves a shot,  |
} | you have to look past physical appearance, don't be so shallow, and  |
} | so on and so on.  Look, guys, I have nothing against short, balding  |
} | computer-science majors.  But he's acne-ridden, he's overweight, he  |
} | drools, and he's addicted to some humor service on the Internet.  I  |
} | mean, I don't want to have to compete with a computer for the atten- |
} | tion of my husband, you know?"                                       |
} |                                                                      |
} | "And, added to that, he's just not very nice.  Did you know--he never|
} | even asked me IF we were going to get married, he just asked WHEN.   |
} | That's a little presumptuous, don't you think?  And he happens to be |
} | really bad at giving compliments.  Well, actually, scratch that, he  |
} | COULD be really good at giving compliments, but I wouldn't know,     |
} | because he never gives any."                                         |
} |                                                                      |
} | "So, I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the support and all  |
} | the advice my fans have given me, but I have no plans to marry him,  |
} | now or any time in the future."                                      |
} |                                                                      |
} | After leaving the room for a few minutes, Klum returned for one final|
} | comment.                                                             |
} |                                                                      |
} | "Oh, and I know I said it would be a cold day in hell when I would   |
} | marry J.R., but I was speaking figuratively."                        |
} +----------------------------------------------------------------------+


1088-02    (27Bt5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU Thu Apr 8 00:34:16 1999

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle for whom no grovel is truly sufficient, so I'll just cut to
> the chase:
>
> Will Daylight Savings Time affect the Y2K problem (or vice versa)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE
}
} Microsoft Corporation
} 1 Microsoft Way
} Redmond, WA
}
} REDMOND - In a daring move to combat the pernicious effects of the
} "Y2K" problem, Microsoft announces a new patch to its popular Windows
} 98 and Windows NT operating system products.  This service pack applies
} a fix to the internal clock of the system, which will in October when
} daylight savings time ends, automatically set the time back 867241
} hours instead of the usual 1 hour.
}
} "By cleverly tricking the system to think that it is October 1900,"
} said Microsoft Chairman, Bill Gates, "we buy ourselves another 99 years
} to fix any problems which might occur with the new millenium.  And once
} the problems have been identified and fixed, we can set the clocks
} forward and no one will even notice the difference."
}
} He went on to point out that this was nearly 3 times as long as the
} Unix and Linux operating systems internal clocks could deal with before
} the end of the so-called "Unix Epoch" in 2038.  "This service patch is
} truly the end of the 'Unix Epoch'," joked Mr. Gates.
}
} Leading industry analyst, Bob Lickspittle says "This patch is truly a
} masterstroke by the geniuses at Microsoft.  There may be some compat-
} ibility problems with other, inferior, operating systems.  However I
} expect that they will come to their senses shortly after the release
} date and wholeheartedly accept the great wisdom and vast expertise
} inherent in the change."
}
} Mr. Lickspittle adds "This innovative new technology demonstrates in
} a concrete way the logic of Microsoft's brilliant strategy of 'Embrac-
} ing and Extending' public standards to superior private Microsoft
} standards.  What could be more public than time standards?  But look
} at how Microsoft's new standard avoids the serious problems caused
} by the haphazard construction of the public standard."
}
} "Expect to see Microsoft building on their success here.  I hope to
} see Redmond Mean Time be adopted as a universal standard in the near
} future, along with Windows Weights and Measures (based on the popular
} furlong/firkin/fortnight system), ActiveSpectrum Colors and MSDNA."
}
} Y2K expert, Andy Toady comments "I've been working on Y2K for 5 years
} now, and no-one in the industry thought of such a devestatingly simple
} and elegant solution as this.  Quite frankly the entire Y2K community
} has had it's breath taken away by this announcement."
}
} "However," cautions Mr. Toady, "we still have a lot of work to do to
} solve the Y2K problem.  While this has bought us a little breathing
} room, it may not be enough."  He adds that he expects a boom in Y2K
} services for the next 90 years or more.
}
} "Myself and other industry leaders have thoroughly examined this new
} software," said Mr. Toady. According to Mr. Toady, they are unanimous
} in agreement, that in addition to the great social benefits of avert-
} ing the Y2K problem, it will assist in education in the future and
} help build the nation's transport infrastructure.  "We all expect to
} buy new Mercedes and put our children through college thanks to this
} new patch."
}
} The service pack will be available for the entirely reasonable price
} of $57.95 from all major software retailers, as well as by download
} from www.microsoft.com using the Internet Explorer browser only.
}
} The release is scheduled for November 2nd, 1900.
}
} - Public Relations, Marketing and Assimilation Department
}   Microsoft
}   1 Microsoft Way
}   Redmond, WA
}
}     PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE - PRESS RELEASE


1088-03    (ailhe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: surfbaud@waverider.co.uk (Dave Hemming)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> *yawn* Wow, am I tired!  I think it's bedtime for me... Maybe I
> should read a story before bed.  Let's see, what've we got...?
> Ah, here we are... "Little Red Rapping-in-the-'Hood", one of my
> very favourite stories!
>
> Once upon a time...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yo, once upon a time, back in th' day yo dere was dis hottie right?
} Called Red Riding, dat beyotch sure liked t' ride th' ponies.  Anyhow
} her man Tyrone got hisself in trouble, you know parole violation, three
} strikes yo a habitual criminal.  So he was like hittin' the weight pile
} up in Chino tryin' to see just who has the power, the whites, the
} blacks, or just the gun towers.
}
} So Red was feeling sorry since it was her shit he got sent up for, and
} she calls him out the yard and says, "Oh baby I'm so hot for you."  And
} he is like, "Damn beyotch, you got to hook me up in here, I got to have
} the motts yo."  So Red scores some of the good shit and packs it up
} mule-style and gets the f*** outta dodge.
}
} Well at some point she's down the hood, chillin' sipping cold 40s,
} waiting till she can meet her man and hand over the shit and like up
} comes this youngblood dressed like one o' them 70s pimps.  And he steps
} up and says, "Damn beyotch, you gotta quarter I gotta call my momma and
} tell her I done met the woman o' my dreams."  And Red is like not
} having it and some of the bloods playin' pool is like looking up.  "Who
} the f*** are you to be talkin' to me like 'at?" she says.
}
} "Yo baby don't you even recognize you man, Tyrone?"
}
} "Oh yeah, you Tyrone allright.  And I'm Vanna-f***in'-White."
}
} "Baby it ain't no thing, shoot you remember las' Summer when we was
} kickin' it down at Long Beach, you know with Latetia and Jamal, and you
} were all like pissed cuz Jamal snorted all your blow on the first day?"
}
} Red ran to him, "Tyrone!"  But she was still a little suspicious.
}
} "Tyrone, yo what big eyes you have and shit."
}
} "Yo baby, the better to see how damn fine you is."
}
} "Tyrone, them is some knappy headed damn big cauliflower ears you got."
}
} "Yo baby, the better hear all your sweet sexy talk."
}
} "Tyrone.  What about them scraggly ass teeth.  Ain't you never seen a
} dentist.  What up with that?"
}
} Tyrone licked his lips, and dropped his eyes bashfully, "Yo baby ain't
} nothing wrong with the tongue.  All the better to eat you with, lover."
}
} But then Red knew it couldn't be Tyrone and she screamed.  "Ah!  You
} ain't Tyrone!  You ain't my man!  Help!"
}
} Jus' then this big guy in a red cap leaps out and he is like all Paul
} Bunyan and shit with an axe and gets George Washinton on that imposter
} ass.  And Red is so grateful she leaps up and hugs him, "Damn boy you
} is my hero and shit."  But Bunyan is not having it and he leaves and
} says, "Talk to the hand beyotch."
}
} So Red is out in the street yelling after him, "You dumb cracker
} motherf**er!  You dis me?  You gay?  I know you must be gay if you give
} up on my fine black ass!  Yo get out of here you dumb gay
} motherf**er!..."
}
} And everyone lived happily ever after, especially Agent Delaine of the
} special anti-crime taskforce who'd been tailing Red and got her on one
} count of accessory to murder, one count of transporting illegal
} substances across state lines, and two counts of drug trafficking.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new mule.


1088-04    (19vrc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This afternoon I woke up from one of my "spells" and I was lying naked
> on the floor of my cubicle with shaving cream all over my body, a
> pencil up my left nostril, Hi-Liter yellow eyeshadow, and a coffee mug
> on my right foot. All my co-workers were gathered around staring at me.
>
> Like, what's up with that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Apparently, cheese danish has a rather intoxicating effect on you. The
} spell you describe in your account lasted for approximately 5.78 hours
} and happened in pretty much this order:
}
} 9:45am: You ate a cheese danish. Your first ever, in fact. You make a
} comment to the effect of "this is pretty tasty...wonder why I've never
} eaten one before."
}
} 9:46am: The hallucinations begin. The ghost of River Phoenix urges you
} to have another danish. You comply.
}
} 9:48am: Alice, the office gossip, suggests that perhaps you should have
} something to drink, that you don't look so hot. In retrospect, perhaps
} a cheese danish soda wasn't the best choice.
}
} 9:56am: You run around the third floor with your head wrapped in toilet
} paper shouting "I am quilted...I am quilted!!!"
}
} 10:15am: Stationary cabinet makeover. Dot offers to give you a tattoo
} using a Sharpie and a few highlighters. You apply the Hi-Liter to your
} eyelids and another part of your body that, for concerns of
} tastefullness, shall remain private.
}
} 10:20am: You feel pretty.
}
} 11:12am: You get an urge to smear tuna fish all over yourself.
}
} 11:20am: You buy a case of Star-Kist.
}
} 11:30am: Back at the office, you smear the tuna all over your body and
} walk up to Denise's desk on the fifth floor. You ask her if she'd like
} to join you for dinner tonight. She responds with a smirk and says she
} hopes you aren't planning on seafood. She says she's allergic to
} seafood.
}
} 11:35am: Men's room. You strip off your tuna-covered suit and cover
} yourself instead with whipped cream.
}
} 11:45am: Men's room again. Apparently, she can't have dairy either.
} Think, Gruberman, think.
}
} 12:30pm: The cheese danish lunch you just had apparently isn't sitting
} well.  You feel nauseous.
}
} 12:32pm: Denise walks into your cubicle and apologizes for being so
} rude. Before she can finish her apology, though, you throw up an
} amalgam of cheese danish, cheese danish soda, and cheese danish
} sandwich all over her new blouse, a part of the Cheryl Tiegs
} Collection. Irate, she storms out of your cubicle.
}
} 12:33pm: You stick a #3 pencil up your nose.
}
} 12:45pm: Too hard, you replace the #3 with a #1 pencil.
}
} 12:55pm: Too soft, you find that the #2 feels just right.
}
} 1:00pm: Bob has filled a small, plastic wading pool with shaving cream.
} He tapes a note on the edge that requests that no one jump in the
} wading pool full of shaving cream.
}
} 1:30pm: Hiding under your desk, you discover a coffee mug you lost over
} a year ago. Cool, you think, it fits pefectly on my right foot. You set
} out in search of a mug for your left foot.
}
} 2:00pm: Wandering from cubicle to cubicle in search of a mug for your
} left foot, you end up in Denise's cubicle. She's still pretty pissed,
} so you turn to run, catching you shirt and pants on a small metal
} protrusion on the edge of her cubicle wall. As you're running away your
} clothing begins to unravel. What a lousy day to go commando, you think.
}
} 2:05pm: Back on the third floor, naked, an angry co-worker ten feet
} behind you, you slip on some of that tuna fish juice and end up face
} first in Bob's wading pool.
}
} 3:00pm: When you wake up, everyone is standing around you. Giggling.
}
} Advice: When you eventually find a new job, and it may take a while,
} avoid cheese danish.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cheese danish; I mean, if you aren't eating yours,
} that is.


1088-05    (cst92 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Leo L. Schwab" <ewhac@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When they told me I'd get a company car, I was excited.  But the
> company car turns out to be a 1990 Yugo with 200,000 miles on it.  What
> have I got myself into?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You lucky stiff!
}
} Yugos are sky-rocketing in price by the second. A Yugo ten years
} from now will be worth its weight in RAM.
}
} No more Yugos will ever be made, NATO saw to that. Bombed the
} living snot outta the last remaining Yugo factory, which is
} good. What if NATO *hadn't* bombed that factory? Can you imagine
} what would have happened? Serb troops in Yugos would have over-
} run America and Europe in days, not a pretty picture. But
} you're safe now. Gosh those NATO leaders are clever.
}
} You owe the Oracle a photo of your carburetor.


1088-06    (4btt7 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Julianna Avedon" <SOteric2@email.msn.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If this is seen by the latest queue-draining slimeball, here's a new
> hobby: go to ftp://ftp.cs.indiana.edu/pub/oracle, and download and
> decompress every file there. Pay special attention to the filenames
> that begin with 'best'. Don't come back until you've read *every* line.
> Perhaps by then you'll have developed a sense of humor. Either that,
> or you'll be so sick and tired of the Oracle you'll never send another
> askme again.  Either way, I'll be happy.
>
> If you're not the latest queue-draining slimeball, I apologise for
> wasting your time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [SCENE: Three police cars and six policemen are stationed in an
} otherwise empty parking lot next to a highway.  A fourth police car
} pulls up; the door opens, and Lieutenant Alfred Stone emerges.]
}
} Stone: "Alright, men.  We've just received word that the infamous
} queue-drainer has struck again!  And this time we were able to tail
} him back to where he lives.  In about ten minutes we're gonna ambush
} him and put him away for good."
}
} Stone: "Now, I don't know how much you've been told, but we got
} a history with this guy.  Real bad seed; rap sheet a mile long.
} He started with hacking into the county's voice-mail and erasing all
} the messages.  Pretty soon he was stealing mail from the post office.
} The bastard liked to write sick jokes at the bottom of letters and
} send them back!  We finally apprehended him after he toppled a line
} of shoppers at a supermarket checkout.  But he got away.  'Cause the
} county jail has a wait-list, y'see.  And once Mr. Q. D. got on it,
} every prisoner on that list escaped, including him."
}
} "We're not gonna let him slip through our fingers again.  Now let's
} move in.  But I warn you: this man can drain queue with the best
} of them.  He is capable of a level of annoyance, obnoxiousness
} and tediousness that you may never have encountered before.
} Prepare yourselves."
}
} [SCENE: Outside of a one-story house.  Four policecars pull up,
} surrounding the house.]
}
} [The policemen get out of their cars.]
}
} Stone: "Alright, are we ready?  Gimmee that bullhorn."
}
}   > Queue-drainer, we have you surrounded!
}
}   }
}
} Argory: "Nothing.  A null answer!"
}
} Stone: "He's in there.  Don't you worry."
}
}   > Queue-drainer, we know you're in there.  Come out with your hands
}   > up!
}
} [Pause.]
}
}   } I don't have any your-hands-up on me, maybe you should try next
}   } door.
}
} Harold: <grips stomach> "Ohhhh... god, that was awful."
}
} Stone: "Easy, Harold!  Don't let him get to you!"
}
}   > There's no way out, queue-drainer.
}
}   } wax elephants hahahahahah
}
} Argory: "Wax elephants?  What does that mean?"
}
} Stone: "Forget it!  Don't be distracted!"
}
}   > Listen up, queue-drainer!  We're gonna take you, dead or alive!
}
}   } Well, gee, that's not much of a choice, is it?
}
} Richards: "Awwgghh....." [falls over]
}
} Stone: "Get up, Richards!  Argory, here, you talk to him; I'm going
} around the side."
}
} Argory: "Uh... what should I say?"
}
} Stone: "Haven't you ever negotiated before?  Just say something."
}
}   > Uh... do you have armanents in there, queue-drainer??
}
}   } why the hell would anyone want to know that.  YOU SUCK
}
} [Argory drops the bullhorn and bursts into tears.]
}
} [Stone looks around.  All the men are cowering or doubled-over and
} groaning with nausea.]
}
} Stone: "Aw hell.  I'm going in.  Cover me."
}
} [Stone kicks down the door and steps into the house, holding his gun in
} front of him with both hands.]
}
} [Silence.]
}
} [Suddenly there are two gunshots and what sounds like a crash of
} lightning.  Another gunshot.]
}
} [Stone emerges thirty seconds later with a smoldering black streak on
} the side of his head.]
}
} Stone: "He hit me with his ZOT wand, the bastard!  I nearly bought
} it back there... but I got him in the end.  Third shot, right between
} the eyes."
}
} [Most of the men remain writhing on the ground; Argory staggers to
} his feet.]
}
} Argory: "That was incredibly brave, lieutenant."
}
} [Stone nods, opens his car door.]
}
} Stone: "Call the coroner.  Tell him it's his lucky day."
}
} [drives away]


1088-07    (bvx41 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wily,
> What are some good ways to get out of a lease?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [ Cue theme ]
} (Voice Over): All over America people are just waiting to watch...
}               America's Greatest Escapes!
}
}               See comedians rush off stage when the two drink minimum
}               is raised to five!
}
}               See children running from the fires they set while we
}               film all the exciting action, not lifting a finger to
}               help!
}
}               See the US Marine Corps escape combat, Unharmed!
}
}               All this and much more in the upcoming hour of America's
}               Greatest Escapes!
}
} [ Cue commercial ]
}
} William Shatner: Hello, I'm William Shatner.  First up on this week's
}                edition of America's Greatest Escapes! we have a story
}                from Kansas.  We have a case of a farmer not wanting to
}                pay the lease on his land anymore.  Let's take a look.
}
} [ Roll footage ]
}
} WS: As you can see, they skies have gotten awfully gray!  In fact,
}     we're just moments away from a tornado strike.  Let's just fast
}     forward a few seconds.  Ah.  There, as you can see, the tornado has
}     struck the house.  It is being lifted up in the air, along with
}     several other surrounding items, and what appears to be a witch.  I
}     assure you that this is only an optical illusion.  Beam me up
}     indeed!  Once the storm has passed, as you can see, the house is no
}     longer present. As you can see, our poor subject is grinning from
}     ear to ear, because he won't have his lease to worry about anymore;
}     and he'll get disaster relief to boot.
} ...
}
} So there you have it, supplicant.  A good way to get out of your lease
} would be to have the building blown away in a tornado.
}
} You owe the Oracle return air fare to the Emerald City.


1088-08    (5dxl8 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: MCHEVALIER@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most jocular Oracle, gallant are you. You are a king of Wisdom that
> rules in relative peace and some form of quietness due to your wit and
> wisdom, over USENET a realm of dullards, kinless loons and thieves;
>
> Is there a plan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course there is, and it's disturbingly easy to find out what it is.
} Just log into your favorite UNIX computer and finger "jehovah", and
} you'll see the following output:
}
} % finger jehovah
} Login name: jehovah                  In real life: I Am Who Am
} Directory: /root                     Shell: /bin/csh
} On since Jan 1 10:00:19 4,600,000,000 B.C. on pts/0
}     from paradise.heaven.afterlife.net
} Plan:
} %$!!*&d& %*$G( $DD*)#@) D(*FDJ$ (%HD(@K  $%*$HHeKFDS "burning bush"
} hs9383#@sD "Jesus" $* $kD9 DJ*#SD( "plague" J#)Df* DJ099Ff J09&hf
} 8sjhfsa "Furby" asdf7 a2D#! fj (Das ()D$% d5783# FUD(^ "Charlies's
} Angels: The Movie" %YH$DF(S sdf8( FHD(, s09F jg30 D)F(j "cryogenic"
} a234 F&# hsd0)f "cockroaches".
}
} Of course, the "plan" itself is written in a font that may not be
} supported on your machine, so you might just see some garbage.
}
} You owe the Oracle, and don't you forget it.


1088-09    (725oG dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,
} Over many an illiterate tellme, as my mailbox overran --
} While I nodded, nearing slumber, suddenly came something dumber,
} As of email sent from someone with a short attention span.
} "'Tis some supplicant," I muttered, "who hit 'send' without a plan --
} It belongs in my trash can."
}
} Ah, distinctly then I wondered if perhaps I might have blundered,
} When I eloquently thundered thoughts on my life's master plan.
} "Lisa, honey, I must answer!  I've no time to be a dancer!
} What would happen to the world without me?  Ponder if you can!"
} Then she tearily departed, leaving me a lonely man,
} Lonely with my warm beer can.
}
} So I stared at this small email, thinking of my ticked-off female,
} Wondering if there was true meaning or some hidden secret plan.
} "True," said I, "my work is vital, but this little oversight'll
} Not be missed if I just pitch it like a note from Ed McMahon!
} Pitch it! Yes, then dance with Lisa to the waltzes of Chopin!
} Pitch it! Yes, I surely can!"
}
} Presently my soul grew queasy, possibly from all the greasy
} Pizza I had ordered from the place with the delivery van,
} Possibly from realizing that in fact, despite its sizing,
} This was in fact a question sent to me by some adoring fan.
} Duty called.  I double-clicked, then took a quick and cursive scan --
} Nothing there but "Greater than".
}
} Quickly to the keyboard turning, foreboding (or pizza) burning,
} I began to beat my head against the screen of cool cyan.
} "Surely," said I, "surely this sucks worse than Stephen Wright or
} woodchucks!
} What I wouldn't give to have a question from a fake caveman!
} Fighting fish or Infocom or lyrics from Duran Duran --
} Anything but 'Greater than'!"
}
} But the tellme, blinking dumbly, offered nothing to my numbly
} Churning brain; I sat there stewing like "The Thinker" by Rodin.
} "Cursed pointy little symbol!" I cried, with leap both lithe and
} nimble, "I will wrest your message from you!" Then the match of wits
} began; Staring at the screen until my eyeballs felt like raisin bran --
} Quoth the tellme, "Greater than."
}
} So I sat engaged in guessing what this character's depressing
} pixels meant, all robed in white -- perhaps a binary Ku Klux Klan?
} A flock of geese? A smiley's beard? A pointer to an object weird?
} A fairy sidekick playing Tinkerbell to someone's Peter Pan?
} Alas! My muse was at the level of a punk with a spray can.
} Quoth the tellme, "Greater than."
}
} "Symbol," said I, "of pure evil! Like some cranial boll weevil,
} You will sap my brain and make me late by an enormous span!
} Lisa will refuse romancing if I miss our date for dancing
} (Even now I'll have to call for flowers on installment plan)!
} Yield, you scum, or she'll come at me with a heavy frying pan!"
} Quoth the tellme, "Greater than."
}
} Suddenly a thought most novel came to me -- there was no grovel!
} How could I forget my right to zot this clown to Kazakhstan?
} But as I raised my staff in fury, a vision came of Arthur Murray
} And Lisa learning waltzes there with some carnationed ladies' man.
} "I'll be back," I told the tellme, "to reveal my battle plan.
} Then we'll see who's 'Greater than'!"
}
} So the tellme, dumb, unthinking, still is blinking, still is blinking,
} Waiting for the time when that proverbial stuff will hit the fan.
} And with luck that same null question soon will lead to my digestion
} When I tell the tale of victory wrapped up tighter than Saran --
} But not before some dancing, sex, and zotting -- proving no one can
} Be greater than the Oracle, man.


1088-10    (6hCg3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  ,
> /|  | o     ,           _  __|_ o  _ |
>  |--| |    / \_|  |  |_|/ |/ |  | |/ |
>  |  |)|/o   \/  \/ \/  |_/|_/|_/|/|_/o
>         /
>
> (|  |  |_/_,       _|_   _|_  _             _  __|_            _
>  |  |  | / |  /|/|  |     |  / \_  /|/|/|  |/ |/ |    /|/|/|  |/
>   \/ \/  \/|_/ | |_/|_/   |_/\_/    | | |_/|_/|_/|_/   | | |_/|_/
>
>  _, _|_   _|_ |)    _          ,         _,  |\        |\  _,   _   _
> / |  |     |  |/\  |/   |  |  / \_|  |  / |  |/    |/\_|/ / |  /   |/
> \/|_/|_/   |_/|  |/|_/   \/|_/ \/  \/|_/\/|_/|_/   |_/ |_/\/|_/\__/|_/
>                                                   (|
>                            __
> _|_  _        o  _, |)  _|_  )
>  |  / \_/|/|  | / | |/\  |  |
>  |_/\_/  | |_/|/\/|/|  |/|_/o
>                  (|
>  , _
> /|/_) ,_  o        _,         ,_   _ _|_  _  _ _|_ o  _        |
>  |  \/  | | /|/|  / |    |/\_/  | / \_|  |/ /   |  | / \_/|/|  |
>  |(_/   |/|/ | |_/\/|/   |_/    |/\_/ |_/|_/\__/|_/|/\_/  | |_/o
>                    (|   (|
>         __
> (\  /  /\_\/
>   ><  |    |
> _/  \_/\__/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Flashing red and blue lights brought some illumination to the dank
} alley. The tall, darkly handsome detective strode onto the scene,
} brushing past officers with shaken looks on their faces.  The
} detective, one Tobias Flint, had a brooding expression on his face.  He
} had seen a lot of bad things in his time, but nothing that would rattle
} a cop this easily.
}     "Any news?" he asked.  His partner, already on the scene, stepped
} away from a shapeless mass on the floor and turned to face him.  She was
} in her early thirties, with thick red hair and bright blue eyes.  Her
} name was Cathy Thorbjornsen.
}     "Unidentified victim, badly mangled."  She closed her eyes for a
} moment.  Tobias frowned.  It looked like she was holding back nausea.
} She had seen every bit as much as he had, in her time.  If it made her
} ill....
}     "No ID on the corpse, then?"
}     She shook her head.  "We can't even tell if this was a man or a
} woman." She flicked her hand in a gesture which indicated the blood-
} soaked blanket behind her without having to look at it.  "All forensics
} could find was this."  And she held out a piece of paper, neatly placed
} in a clear plastic baggie to prevent fingerprints.
}     Tobias took the evidence baggie.  The paper had escaped most of the
} blood, but was still red and beginning to get crispy as the blood dried.
} Someone had scrawled a note in very bad handwriting:
}
}         Hi, Sweetie!
}
}         Want to meet me at
}         the usual place tonight?
}
}         Bring protection!
}
}         XO
}
} Tobias felt his heart grow cold.  XO.  The dreaded mark of the X-ternet
} Oracle, who knew nothing and took everything.  The victim was
} undoubtedly an XOR, a follower of the X-ternet Oracle.  Was this a
} coded message, subtly hinting at a protection racket?  Where was the
} other XOR, the writer of this letter, and why was he not at the
} rendez-vous?  Was this a border skirmish between the Internet Oracle
} and the X-ternet Oracle?  Between valiant vigilante and conniving
} coward?  Would anyone be able to tell which was the coward?
}     Tobias shivered.  Very likely, this case would remain permanently
} unsolved.  One thing was for sure, though.  Whoever killed this
} follower of the X-ternet Oracle was certainly on the trail of the XOR
} with the bad handwriting.  And if it was the Internet Oracle, it
} wouldn't be long before he caught up with the writer.
}     "Get ready, Orrie," he whispered.  "Because I'm comin' after you."
} -------------------------------
}
} And that's just the teaser at the beginning of the episode.  I'm glad
} to see you found the promotional material for my new show, "IO Cop."
} It's gonna be one hell of a pilot, introducing the basic conflict which
} will take the show through its first season.  I don't want to spoil
} anything, but just wait for the episode where Tobias Flint hunts down
} the evil supernatural entity known as "Figlet."
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed photograph of Elizabeth Gracen.


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