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23 Nov 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 5:25:41 GMT

Internet Oracularities #109

Goto:
109, 109-01, 109-02, 109-03, 109-04, 109-05, 109-06, 109-07, 109-08, 109-09, 109-10


Usenet Oracularities #109    (17 votes, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 28 Jan 90 16:57:49 GMT

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   100
   2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

109   17 votes 34451 25532 17441 04652 13571 03275 03329 16424 23228 18233
109   3.3 mean  2.8   2.9   2.8   3.3   3.2   3.8   4.0   3.1   3.6   2.9


109-01    (34451 dist, 2.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I was taking the Purity Test, and came to this:
> Have you ever done any of the following:
> 237.  had sex with a religious officiary?  (Priest, nun,
> mother-superior, cardinal, pope, deity, etc.)
>
> My question is, does a priest of the Great Usenet Oracle count as a
> religious officiary ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends. Are you trying to knock points off your score?
} If so, I'm the man for the job.
}
} You owe the Oracle dinner and dessert (figure it out!)


109-02    (25532 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who the hell is this Lisa person?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Lisa is my, um, well, errrr...
}
} sister!  Yeah, that's the ticket, she's my sister.  Yeah!  And all the
} guys like her, why?  Well, um, because, errrr....  She's related to me.
} yeah!  Everyone wants to know me better, and why?
}
} Get to know me.  That's right!  Get to know me.  What are my habits?  My
} likes?  My dislikes?  What is my favorite brand of toothpaste?
}
} GET TO KNOW ME!!!!
}
} Here's a letter I received from an imigrant from over in the Middle
} East.
}
} Dear Oracle,
}
}         Before I got to know you I was nothing, nowhere, nobody.  I
} didn't have sandals for my feet, and I hung around with cripples.  Then
} I got to know you.  And today, they call me Jesus Christ!
}
} Signed...
}
} Jesus.
}
} Well, you'll pardon me right now, but I have to go pick up my wife...
} eh..  Morgan Fairchild.  Yeah, that's it.  Whom I've seen naked.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lawyer to fight off John Luvotiz's lawsuit.


109-03    (17441 dist, 2.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Ukranian women so backward and provincal.  Also why do they have
> small tits.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The decadences of Soviet governments for the last 7 decades can now be
} revealed.
}
} The women of the Ukraine are backward and provincial because they have
} been sweating and toiling over their land for many years now, trying
} desperately to feed an entire nation on the fertile but limited ground
} found in their region.
}
} At the same time, every 5 years since the revolution began, 10% of the
} women-folk of that area have been taken to Moscow for the purposes of
} the Communist Party.  Apparently Lenin and Stalin did not believe that
} ALL classes of people were completely equal.  Studies indicate that the
} per-capita breast volume in Red Square is now twice that found in the
} agricultural regions.
}
} One conspiracy theory has it that the accident at Chernobyl was in fact
} ordered by Soviet leaders, in an attempt to create mutations that were
} sexually attractive and useful.  Of course, in the civilized western
} nations, surgeries have been perfected to create such mutations, thus
} proving that the democracy is far more compassionate than communism.
}
} You owe the Oracle no more than a handful -- any more than that would be
} a waste.


109-04    (04652 dist, 3.3 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My girlfriend is in Park City skiing this weekend.  What's she doing
> right this minute?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is now 5:13 on Saturday afternoon. Let me gaze into my crystal
} zucchini....
} Oh, there she is...  on the slope...a lot of snow...little evergreens
} dotting the slope...she looks like a small red-and-green blob from
} here...now let's take a closer look...oh, dear, what HAS she done with
} her hair?...she seems busy and happy...are small animals allowed on ski
} slopes?...I didn't know that you could do THAT with a lizard...poor
} little thing...the Oracle's sense of decency demands that we avert our
} eyes...
}
} You owe the oracle a fresh lizard.


109-05    (13571 dist, 3.2 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Whenever I hear a Barry Manilow song, my left testicle sags.  Should I
> be concerned about this?
>
>  Lefty.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is no cause for concern.  Most healthy men suffer some degree of
} testicle depression when that musician is inflicted upon them.
} (Clitorises also retract under his influence.  In more repressive times,
} parents were encouraged to expose their daughters to Barry Manilow
} records daily in order to prevent self-abuse.)
}
} You owe the Oracle your left testicle.


109-06    (03275 dist, 3.8 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         O great Oracle, who screams like a gypsy when aroused!
>
> I have a lovely charming boyfriend and a beautiful girlfriend, both of
> which I am marvelously happy with.  I would like to watch them have sex
> with each other.  How can I convince them that this would be a good
> idea?
>
> Please, could you write a letter to each of them which I could forward.
> They both know you are an Authority.
>
> Thank you.
>
> I love you, Oracle!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awww...  you know, the kind words in your question moved me very, very
} deeply -- until I remembered just HOW MANY people you are in love with.
} You know, you really ought to cut down.  Irregardless, the Oracle has a
} great fondness for humans who ask it interesting questions, so:  I love
} you too, [user]!
}
} It is touching that you would be greatly moved by the sight of seeing
} your two beautiful friends engaged in an act of pleasure.  Certainly, I
} would be more than happy to write a letter to forward to them,
} convincing them that they should fornicate in front of you.  Now then:
} you did say that they consider me an authority, right?
}
}  -> Dear friend of [user]:
}  ->
}  -> Typically, the Usenet Oracle only writes to those who send it
}  -> questions.  However, due to the special nature of a certain
}  -> recent request, it has become necessary to address you through
}  -> these atypical means.
}  ->
}  -> Recently, it has come to my attention that [user] is a most caring
}  -> and sensitive individual -- and as such, did not want to offend
}  -> you by suggesting that you should copulate with [other friend of
}  -> user].  [user] has indicated that the experience should be quite
}  -> a pleasure for all involved.
}  ->
}  -> Now, this idea was not mine.  However, the Oracle cannot fail when
}  -> pressed with such a challenge.  [user]'s request was that I convince
}  -> you to engage in this act.  Therefore, I have made special
}  -> arrangements with universal powers.  If you DO decide to accept the
}  -> suggested boink, you will be rewarded with the most fulfilling
}  -> climax any human has ever experienced.  However, if you turn down
}  -> the offer, your genitalia will be numbed for the remainder of your
}  -> life.
}  ->
}  -> Remember, you have free will, and the choice is up to you.  Should
}  -> you decide to accept the offer, please contact the following for
}  -> assistance, and ask for special offer #Qa09152.
}  ->
}  ->              Oracular Sexual Aids, Inc.
}  ->              San Francisco, CA
}  ->
}  ->                                 All the best,
}  ->                                   The Usenet Oracle
}
} That should do it.  By the way, how do you know how a gypsy screams?
}
} You owe the Oracle the oragasmic fluids resulting from this arrangement.


109-07    (03329 dist, 4.0 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> iufd iuf diuhf iufhiudshfikfh iufi hiufhdw fkjdshf kjs hflkf hlqk
> ] dfkjhd kfjldsf hlkhf kldjf hdlk hdkd hflkjd hkjfh kj hfkdshf kj
> eiufyd jhefhjdw gfiuydwh fiuhf  jfdhgiuen fihf iuoinc iun iuncej?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That question isn't written in one of the languages that I know.  But
} I'll soon get it translated.
}
} !talk god@genesis.heaven.omni
} Busy?
} -o
}
} Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 20:54
} What is it now?!
} -o
} Someone sent me a question in a language I don't recognize.  Can you
} make sense out of it?
} -o
} Are you going to show me the question?
} -o
} Aren't you omniescent?
} -o
} It's spelled "omniscient," you stupid Oracle.  And I AM, but only
} because of Unix.  So you have to show me the question.
} -o
} (Text of question deleted due to inherent laziness)
} -o
} No, that's not one of our codes... ask Satan.
} -o
} OK, thanks.  See you at the next Doomed Soul Barbecue & Picnic!
} -o
} Bring little Orie, Jesus hasn't seen her in a long time...
} -oo
} EOF
} ^D
}
} So much for that...
}
} !talk satan@fuckyou.hell.omni
}
} Message from satan@fuckyou.hell.omni (Lucifer) on con at 21:04
} What the fuck do you want, Oracle?
} -o
} Why the sour mood, Lucy?
} -o
} Fuck you for calling me Lucy.  And you'd be pissed too if you were
} stuck in Hell for eternity with only a VIC-20.
} -o
} Why is God on "console" and you're just on "con"?
} -o
} Fuck you for asking.
} -o
} I guess I don't have to ask why your computer's called "fuckyou"...
} Anyways, someone sent me a question in a language I don't know.
} Can you translate it?
} (Text of question deleted because of inherent laziness)
} -o
} Looks like very poorly conceived Mock Russian with a German accent.
} I translate it as "Disney never made a sequel of Dumbo.  Whatever
} happened to him?"
} -o
} Wow!  God couldn't translate that question, and you could!
} -o
} Well, fuck HIM then!
} -o
} Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 21:17
} Shut up Lucifer!  You're only making it worse for yourself!
} -o
} Making it worse?  How can I make it any worse than it is already?
} Why can't you make two snowflakes the same?
} -o
} You insolent little bastard!  How would you like it if I turned up the
} ^D
}
} Yipe!  I definitely don't want to get caught in the middle of THAT.
}
} Anyways, Disney never renewed Dumbo's contract, and turned him loose
} on the street.  Bitter and resentful, he took to terrorizing the
} nation's flyways.  That's why there have been so many airline
} crashes lately.
}
} You owe the Oracle the remote password to God's account.
}
} Message from god@genesis.heaven.omni (The Almighty) on console at 21:23
} Not bloody likely.
} -oo
} EOF


109-08    (16424 dist, 3.1 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why would someone have a bronze cast made of his penis ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (1) They're about to die, and they want their penis preserved for
}     posterity, and for the pleasure of their surviving mate.
} (2) They have cancer of the dick, and they want their penis preserved
}     for the same reason.
} (3) It's being abducted into the Hall of Fame.
} (4) His parents are casting him to show his progress, along with
}     marking his height on the wall.
} (5) They can't make it hard anymore, and their mate is sick of the
}     squishy one-eyed wonder worm, so they're getting a harder version.
} (6) They're gonna hollow out the inside and install a vibrator.
}
} You owe the Oracle two more sixes, for a Satanic coupling.


109-09    (23228 dist, 3.6 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why is it that my questions never make it to the usenet occularities
> which are posted to rec.humor? I always consider the answers to be quite
> humorous. Don't you? I'm sure others would consider them so too...
>
>                       Stop being such a sullen Oracle...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't control which of my musings are posted on rec.humor, that job
} belongs to the humans.  It's not mine to judge my own output.  The
} people that started the proverbial AI ball rolling are in charge of
} that.  But I can try to find out why you're not being published.
}
} !grep Qa06150 /etc/questions
}
} Qa06150!xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx
}
} (I put all those xs there so when _I_ get published, no one will know
} who you are, and you won't get a thousand letters calling you a whiny
} wannabe.  But you know it anyways.)
}
} !grep xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx /etc/answers
} xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx!AnXXXXX
} xxxxx@xxxxxxx.xxxx.xxx!AnYYYYY
}
} You wrote two answers this week.  Let's see what you wrote.
}
} !cat /etc/Answers/AnXXXXX
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Is that cat over there dead?  It's lying on its back with its feet
} > up in the air.
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} > No, it's just resting.  It likes to sleep like that.  It's a very
} > laidback cat!
} >
} > You owe the Oracle some Friskies.
}
} Ooooh, bad pun.  I noticed that, and I'm not even human!  I'm just a
} multidimensional 6th generation AI program!  Let's see what else you
} wrote:
}
} !cat /etc/Answers/AnYYYYY
}
} The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
} Your question was:
}
} > Last night I said hi to my friend, Jesus.  He's cool, but I think
} > he was pissed off that I was shooting up dope.  What should I do?
}
} And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
}
} > You should never take the Lord's name in vein!  You deserve any
} > punishment you get.
} >
} > You owe the Oracle a hit.
}
} Another bad pun!  And you contradict yourself by saying he deserves
} punishment for taking drugs, then asking for some drugs!  I think the
} reason you're not being published is very evident.
}
} You owe the Oracle, and the people associated herewith, an apology.


109-10    (18233 dist, 2.9 mean, offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When I was in Sweden last summer, I noticed that almost no girls wore a
> bra.  They just proudly displayed what they had under their thin, white
> T shirts.  ANd on the beaches, most of them went topless.  Why is that
> so?  And why don't American girls follow their example?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, that question we all need answered so much..
}
} Being English, I have an objective insight into the matter.  Also, it's
} common knowlege that English people are undisputably and without
} question right about anything they care to shoot their mouths off about,
} so here's my penny's worth...  (in an objective, understanding manner,
} not giving in to any racial stereotyping or anything):
}
} It's apparent to me that all Swedish women are porn queens who are so
} busy making rude movies that they simply haven't got time to slip a bra
} on in between shots (if you'll pardon the expression).  A recent study
} has also revealed that 87% of Swedish women have mammary glands which
} are sufficiently large as to be classified an evolutionary mutation, and
} thus it's plain that no bra made today could withstand the stresses
} incurred (Except at your local mutant clothes shop, which Sweden is
} notably lacking in).
}
} The flipside is that American women are trained since birth to starve
} themselves until they look like Dionne Warwick- A row of teeth and some
} cheekbones, no flesh.  Thus, you may find that American girls don't wear
} bras because there aren't any small enough.  Trouble is, you don't
} notice 'cos all you can see is the ribcage.
}
} Naff, eh?
}
} Doug, England


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